Hel. Let the candidate be placed on a ftool. What's the doctor's name? Sec. Emanuel Laft, Mr. Prefident. Hel. Dr. Laft, you have petitioned the College, to obtain a licence for the practice of phyfic; and though we have no doubt of your great fkill and abilities, yet our duty compels us previously to ask a few questions: What academy had the honour to form you? Laft. Anan! Hel. We want to know the name of the place, where you have studied the science of phyfic. Laft. Dunftable. Hel. That's fome German univerfity; fo he can never belong to the College. ...All. Never; oh, no. Hel. Now, Sir, with regard to your phyfiological knowledge. By what means, Dr. Laft, do you discover that a man is not well? Laft. By his complaint that he is ill. Hel. Well replied! no furer prognostic. 1 Hel. Then, as to recovering a fubject that is ill-Can you venture to undertake the cure of an ague? Laft. With arra a man in the country. Hel. By what means? Laft. By a charm. Hel. And pray of what materials may that charm be compofed? Laft. I won't tell; 'tis a fecret. Hel. Well replied! the College has no right to pry into fecrets. All. Oh, no; by no means. Hel. But now, Dr. Laft, to proceed in due form; are you qualified to adminifter remedies to fuch diseases as belong to the head? Laf Laft. I believe I may.. Hel. Name fome to the College. Laft. The tooth-ache,. Hel. What do you hold the best method to treat it? wo Laft. I pulls em up by the roots. 211 Hel. Well replied, brothers! that, without doubt, is a radical cure. All. Without doubt. Hel. Thus far as to the head: Proceed we next to the middle! When, Dr. Last, you are called in to a patient with a pain in his bowels, what then is your method of practice? 9. Lat. I claps, a trencher hot to the part. Hel. Embrocation; very well! But if this application fhould fail, what is the next step that you take fungia dar ?wo Laft, I gi's a vomit and a purge. C Hel. Well replied for it is plain there is a difagreeable gueft in the house; he has opened both doors, if he will go out at neither, it is none of his fault. 21 All Oh, no; by no means. 2. noda to Hel. We have now dispatched the middle and head: Come we finally to the other extremity, the feet! Are you equally fkilful in the diforders incidental to them? 42211 Laft. I believe I may. Laft. I have a great curing of corns, vogue all our way for Hel What are the means that you use? Hel. Well replied! extirpation: No better method of curing, can be. Well, brethren, I think we may now, after phis ftrict and impar <fernti vili os grubed en estolib tial tial enquiry, fafely certify, that Dr. Laft, from top to toe, is an able phyfician. All. Very able, very able, indeed. Hel. And every way qualified to proceed in his practice. All. Every way qualified. Hel. You may defcend, Dr. Lat. [Laft takes bis feat among them.] Secretary, firft read, and then give the doctor his licence. Sec. [Reads.] "To all whom these presents may come greeting. Know, ye, that, after a most ftrict and fevere inquifition, not only into the great skill and erudition, but the morals of Dr. Emanual Laft, We are authorized to grant unto the faid doctor full power, permiffion, and licence, to pill, bolus, lotion, potion, draught, dofe, drench, purge, bleed, blifter, clifter, cup, fcarify, fyringe, falivate, couch, flux, fweat, diet, dilute, tap, plaifter, and poultice, all perfons, in all difcafes, of all ages, conditions, and fexes. And we do ftrictly command and enjoin all furgeons, apothecaries, with their apprentices, all midwives, male, female, and nurses, at all times, to be aiding and affifting to the faid Dr. Emanuel Laft. And we do further charge all mayors, juftices, aldermen, fheriffs, bailiffs, headboroughs, conftables, and coroners, not to moleft or intermeddle with the faid doctor, if any party whom he fhall fo pill, bolus, lotion, potion, draught, dofe, drench, purge, bleed, blister, clifter, cup, fcarify, fyringe, falivate, couch, flux, fweat, diet, dilute, tap, plaifter, and poultice, fhould happen to die, but to deem that the faid party died a natural death, any thing appearing to the contrary notwithstanding. Given D under under our hands, &c. Hercules Hellebore, Cornelius Calomel, Chriftopher Camphire. Laft. Then, if a patient die, they must not fay that I kill'd him? Hel. They fay! Why, how fhould they know, when it is not one time in twenty that we know it ourselves?-Proceed we now to the lecture! [They all rife and come forward to the table.] Brethren, and ftudents, I am going to open to you fome notable difcoveries that I have made, refpecting the fource, or primary caufe, of all diftempers incidental to the human machine: And thefe, brethren, I attribute to certain animalculæ, or pifcatory entities, that infinuate themselves thro' the pores into the blood, and in that fluid fport, tofs, and tumble about, like mackrel or cod fish in the great deep: And to convince you that this is not a mere gratis dictum, an hypothefis only, I will give you demonstrative proof. Bring hither the microfcope! Enter a Servant with a microscope. Doctor Laft, regard this receiver. Take a peep. Laft. Where? Hel. There. Those two yellow drops there were drawn from a fubject afflicted with the jaundice. Well, what d'ye fee? Lap. Some little creatures like yellow flies, that are hopping and skipping about. Hel. Right. Thofe yellow flies give the tinge to the fkin, and undoubtedly caufe the difeafe: And, now, for the cure! I adminifter to every patient the two-and-fiftieth part of a fcruple of the ovaria or eggs of the fpider; these are thrown by the digeftive powers into the fecretory, there separated separated from the alimentory, and then precipitated into the circulatory; where finding a proper nidus, or neft, they quit their torpid state, and vivify, and, upon vivification, difcerning the flies, their natural food, they immediately fall foul of them, extirpate the race out of the blood, and restore the patient to health. Laft. And what becomes of the spiders? Hel. Oh, they die, you know, for want of nutrition. Then I fend the patient down to Brighthelmftone; and a couple of dips in the falt-water washes the cobwebs entirely out of the blood. Now, gentlemen, with refpect to the Enter Servant. Serv. Sir, Mr. Forceps, from the Hospital. Enter Forceps. Well, Forceps, what's your will? For. To know, Sir, what you would have done with the Hofpital patients to-day? Hel. To-day! why, what was done yesterday? For. Sir, we bled the Weft ward, and jalloped the North. Hel. Did ye? why then, bleed the North ward, and jallop the West to-day. [Exit For. Now, I fay, brethren |
