there be either wit or sense in what they are about to say; and, whether it be adapted to the time when, the place where, and the person to whom, it is spoken. For the utter extirpation of these orators and story-tellers, which I look upon as very great pests of society, I have invented a watch which divides the minute into twelve parts, after the same manner that the ordinary watches are divided into hours: and will endeavour to get a patent, which shall oblige every club or company to provide themselves with one of these watches, that shall lie upon the table, as an hour-glass is often placed near the pulpit, to measure out the length of a discourse. I shall be willing to allow a man one round of my watch, that is, a whole minute, to speak in; but if he exceeds that time, it shall be lawful for any of the company to look upon the watch, or to call him down to order. stick; and that every touch of it, with any thing made in the fashion of a cane, was to be interpreted as a wound in that part, and a violation of the person's honour who received it. Mr. Heedless replied, "that what he had done was out of kindness to the prosecutor, as not thinking it proper for him to appear at the head of the trained-bands with a feather upon his shoulder;' and further added, that the stick he had made use of on this occasion was so very small, that the prosecutor could not have felt it had he broken it on his shoulders.' The censor hereupon directed the jury to examine into the nature of the staff, for that a great deal would depend upon that particular. Upon which he explained to them the different degrees of offence that might be given by the touch of crab-tree from that of cane, and by the touch of cane from that of a plain hazel stick. The jury, after a short perusal of the staff, declared their opinion by the mouth of their foreman, that the substance of the staff was British oak.' The censor then observ. ing that there was some dust on the skirts of the criminal's coat, ordered the prosecutor to beat it off with the aforesaid oaken plant; and thus,' said the censor, I shall decide this cause by the law of retaliation. If Mr. Heedless did the colonel a good office, the colonel will by this means return it in kind; but if Mr. Heedless should at any time boast that he had cudgelled the colonel, or laid his staff over his shoulders, the colonel might boast, in his turn, that he had brushed Mr. Heedless's jacket, or, to use the phrase of an ingenious author, that he has rubbed 6 Provided, however, that if any one can make it appear he is turned of threescore, he may take two, or, if he pleases, three rounds of the watch without giving offence. Provided, also, that this rule be not construed to extend to the fair sex, who shall be at liberty to talk by the ordinary watch that is now in use. I would likewise earnestly recommend this little automaton, which may be easily carried in the pocket without any incumbrance, to all such as are troubled with this infirmity of speech-that upon pulling out their watches, they may have frequent occasion to consider what they are doing, and by that means cut the thread of the story short, and hurry to a conclusion. I shall only add, that this watch,him down with an oaken towel.' with a paper of directions how to use it, is sold at Charles Lillie's. I am afraid a Tatler will be thought a very improper paper to censure this humour of being talkative; but I would have my readers know, that there is a great difference between tattle and loquacity, as I shall show at large in a following lucubration; it being my design to throw away a candle upon that subject, in order to explain the whole art of tattling in all its branches and subdivisions. Benjamin Busy, of London, merchant, was indicted by Jasper Tattle, esquire, for having pulled out his watch, and looked upon it thrice while the said esquire Tattle was giving him an account of the funeral of the said esquire Tattle's first wife. The prisoner alleged in his defence, that he was going to buy stocks at the time when he met the prosecutor; and that, during the story of the prosecutor, the said stocks rose above two per cent. to the great detriment of the prisoner. The prisoner further brought several witnesses to prove that the said Jasper Tattle, es No. 265.] TUESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 1710. quire, was a most notorious story-teller; that, before Arbiter hic igitur factus de lite jocosâ. Ovid. Met. iii. 331. Him therefore they create The sov❜reign umpire of their droll debate. Continuation of the Journal of the Court of Honour, &c. As soon as the court was sat, the ladies of the bench presented, according to order, a table of all the laws now in force relating to visits and visiting days, methodically digested under their respective heads, which the Censor ordered to be laid upon the table, and afterwards proceeded upon the business of the day. he met the prisoner, he had hindered one of the prisoner's acquaintance from the pursuit of his lawful business, with the account of his second marriage; and that he had detained another by the button of his coat that very morning, until he had heard several witty sayings and contrivances of the prosecutor's eldest son, who was a boy about five years of age. Upon the whole matter, Mr. Bickerstaff dismissed the accusation as frivolous, and sentenced the prosecutor to pay damages to the prisoner, for what the prisoner had lost by giving him so long and patient a hearing.' He further reprimanded the prosecutor very severely, and told him that if he proceeded in his usual manner to interrupt the business of mankind, he would set a fine upon him for every quarter of an hour's impertinence, and regulate the said fine according as the time of the person so injured should appear more or less precious.' Henry Heedless, esquire, was indicted by colonel Touchy, of her majesty's trained-bands, upon an action of assault and battery; for that he, the said Mr. Heedless, having espied a feather upon the shoulder of the said colonel, struck it off gently with the end of a walking-staff, value three-pence. It appeared, Sir Paul Swash, knight, was indicted by Peter that the prosecutor did not think himself injured un- Double, gentleman, for not returning the bow which til a few days after the aforesaid blow was given him; he received of the said Peter Double, on Wednesday but that having ruminated with himself for several the sixth instant, at the playhouse in the Hay-mardays, and conferred upon it with other officers of the ket. The prisoner denied the receipt of any such militia, he concluded that he had in effect been cud-bow, and alleged in his defence, that, the prosecutor gelled by Mr. Heedless, and that he ought to resent it accordingly. The counsel for the prosecutor alleged, that the shoulder was the tenderest part in a man of honour; that it had a natural antipathy to a would oftentimes look full in his face, but that when he bowed to the said prosecutor, he would take no notice of it, or bow to somebody else that sat quite on the other side of him. He likewise alleged that seve able, nor does she appear so amiable, as she would in full bloom. [There is a great deal left out before he concludes,] "Mr. Spectator, your humble Servant, "BOB HARMLESS." lighted with battles on the stage. I give you this trouble to complain to you, that Nicolini refused to gratify me in that part of the opera for which I have most taste. I observe it is become a custom, that whenever any gentlemen are particularly pleased with a song, at their crying out, Encore, If this gentleman be really no more than eighteen, or Altro Volto, the performer is so obliging as to I must do him the justice to say, he is the most sing it over again. I was at the opera the last time Knowing infant I have yet met with. He does not, Hydaspes was performed. At that part of it where I fear, yet understand, that all he thinks of is an- the hero engages with the lion, the graceful manner other woman; therefore, until he has given a fur-with which he put that terrible monster to death ther account of himself, the young lady is hereby directed to keep close to her mother. THE SPECTATOR. I cannot comply with the request in Mr. Trot's letter: but let it go just as it came to my hands for being so familiar with the old gentleman, as rough as he is to him. Since Mr. Trot has an ambition to make him his father-in-law, he ought to treat him with more respect; besides, his style to me might have been more distant than he has thought fit to afford me: moreover, his mistress shall continue in her confinement, until he has found out which word in his letter is not rightly spelt. "MR. SPECTATOR, "I shall ever own myself your obliged humble servant, for the advice you gave me concerning my dancing; which, unluckily, came too late for as I said, I would not leave off capering until I had your opinion of the matter. I was at our famous assembly the day before I received your papers, and there was observed by an old gentleman, who was informed I had a respect for his daughter. He told me I was an insignificant little fellow, and said, that for the future he would take care of his child; so that he did not doubt but to cross my amorous inclinations. The lady is confined to her chamber, and for my part, I am ready to hang myself with the thoughts that I have danced myself out of favour with her father. I hope you will pardon the trouble I give; but shall take it for a mighty favour, if you will give me a little more of your advice to put me in a right way to cheat the old dragon and obtain my mistress. I am once more, Sir, "Your obliged humble Servant, "JOHN TROT. "MR. SPECTATOR, THE SPECTATOR. gave me so great a pleasure, and at the same time so just a sense of that gentleman's intrepidity and conduct, that I could not forbear desiring a repetition of it, by crying out Altro Volto,' in a very audible voice; and my friends flatter me that I pronounced those words with a tolerable good accent, considering that was but the third opera I had ever seen in my life. Yet, notwithstanding all this, there was so little regard had to me, that the lion was carried off, and went to bed, without being killed any more that night. Now, Sir, pray consider that I did not understand a word of what Mr. Nicolini said to this cruel creature; besides, I have no ear for music; so that, during the long dispute between them, the whole entertainment I had was from my eyes. Why then have not I as much right to have a graceful action repeated as another has a pleasing sound, since he only hears, as I only see, and we neither of us know that there is any rea sonable thing a-doing? Pray, Sir, settle the business of this claim in the audience, and let us know when we may cry Altro Volto,' Anglicé, * Again, ・ Again,' for the future. I am an Englishman and expect some reason or other to be given me, and perhaps an ordinary one may serve; but I expect your answer. I am, Sir, your most humble Servant, "MR. SPECTATOR, "You must give me leave, amongst the rest of your female correspondents, to address you about an affair which has already given you many a speculation; and which, I know, I need not tell you bas had a very happy influence over the adult part of our sex; but as many of us are either too old to learn, or too obstinate in the pursuit of the vanities which have been bred up with us from our infancy, and all of us quitting the stage whilst you are prompting us to act our part well; you ought, methinks, rather to turn your instructions for the benefit of that part of our sex who are yet in their native innocence, and ignorant of the vices and that variety of unhappiness that reign amongst us. "I must tell you, Mr. Spectator, that it is as much a part of your office to oversee the education of the female part of the nation, as well as of the male; and to convince the world you are not partial, pray proceed to detect the mal-administration of governesses as successfully as you have exposed that of pedagogues; and rescue our sex from the prejudice and tyranny of education as well as that of your own, who, without your seasonable interposition, are like to improve upon the vices that are now in vogue. "I who know the dignity of your post, as Spec"You are to know that I am naturally brave, and tator, and the authority a skilful eye ought to bear love fighting as well as any man in England. This in the female world, could not forbear consulting gallant temper of mine makes me extremely de-you, and beg your advice in so critical a point, as In the original publication in folio, it is printed "wrightly," is that of the education of young gentlewomen. the mis-spelt word probably, in Mr. Trot's letter. Having already provided myself with a very con uals of several orders in the Romish church to shut themselves up at a certain time of the year, not only from the world in general, but from the members of their own fraternity; and to pass away several days by themselves in settling accounts between their crimes, and renewing their contracts of obedience. for the future. Such stated times for particular acts of devotion, or the exercise of certain religious duties, have been enjoined in all civil governments, whatever deity they worshipped, or whatever religion they professed. That which may be done at all times, is often totally neglected and forgotten, unless fixed and determined to some time more than another; and therefore, though several duties may be suitable to every day of our lives, they are most likely to be performed, if some days are more particularly set apart for the practice of them. Our church has accordingly instituted several seasons of devotion, when time, custom, prescription, and, if I may so say, the fashion itself, call upon a man to be serious, and attentive to the great end of his being. I have hinted in some former papers, that the greatest and wisest of men in all ages and countries, particularly in Rome and Greece, were renowned for their piety and virtue. It is now my intention to show, how those in our own nation that have been unquestionably the most eminent for learning and knowledge were likewise the most eminent for their adherence to the religion of their country. four of the most mischievous animals that can ever infest a family; an old shock dog with one eye, a monkey chained to one side of the chimney, a great grey squirrel to the other, and a parrot waddling in the middle of the room. However, for a while, all was in a profound tranquillity. Upon the mantle-Maker and their own souls, in cancelling unrepented tree, for I am a pretty curious observer, stood a pot of lambetive electuary, with a stick of liquorice, and near it a phial of rose water, and powder of tutty. Upon the table lay a pipe filled with betony and colt's foot, a roll of wax-candle, a silver spitting-pot, and a Seville orange. The lady was placed in a large wicker chair, and her feet wrapped up in flannel, supported by cushions; and in this attitude, would you believe it, Isaac, was she reading a romance with spectacles on. The first compliments over, as she was industriously endeavouring to enter upon conversation, a violent fit of coughing seized her. This awaked Shock, and in a trice the whole room was in an uproar; for the dog barked, the squirrel squealed, the monkey chattered, the parrot screamed, and Ursula, to appease them, was more clamorous than all the rest. You, Isaac, who know how any harsh noise affects my head, may guess what I suffered from the hideous din of these discordant sounds. At length all was appeased, and quiet restored: a chair was drawn for me; where I was no sooner seated, but the parrot fixed his horny beak, as sharp as a pair of sheers, in one of my heels, just above the shoe. I sprung from the place with an unusual agility, and so, being within the monkey's reach, he snatches off my new bob-wig, and throws it upon two apples that were roasting by a sullen sea-coal fire. I was nimble enough to save it from any further damage than singing the fore-top. I put it on; and composing myself as well as I could, I drew my chair towards the other side of the chimney. The good lady, as soon as she had recovered breath, employed it in making a thousand apologies, and, with great eloquence, and a numerous train of words, lamented I shall, in this paper, only instance sir Francis my misfortune. In the middle of her harangue, I Bacon, a man who, for greatness of genius, and felt something scratching near my knee, and feeling compass of knowledge, did honour to his age and what it should be, found the squirrel had got into my country; I could almost say to human nature itself. coat pocket. As I endeavoured to remove him from He possessed at once all those extraordinary talents, his burrow, he made his teeth meet through the which were divided amongst the greatest authors of fleshy part of my fore-finger. This gave me inex-antiquity. He had the sound, distinct, comprehenpressible pain. The Hungary water was immediately brought to bathe it, and gold-beater's skin applied to stop the blood. The lady renewed her excuses; but being now out of all patience, I abruptly took my leave, and hobbling down with needless haste, I set my foot full in a pail of water, and down we came to the bottom together.' Here my friend concluded his narrative, and, with a composed countenance, began to make him compliments of condolence; but he started from his chair, and said, 'Isaac, you may spare your speeches, I expect no reply. When I told you this, I knew you would laugh at me; but the next woman that makes me ridiculous shall be a young one.' No. 267.] SATURDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1710. Lucr. iii. 1056 I might produce very shining examples from among the clergy; but because priestcraft is the common cry of every cavilling, empty scribbler, I shall show that all the laymen who have exerted a more tha ordinary genius in their writings, and were the glory of their times, were men whose hopes were filled with immortality and the prospect of future rewards, and men who lived in a dutiful submission to all the doctrines of revealed religion. sive knowledge of Aristotle, with all the beautiful lights, graces, and embellishments of Cicero. One does not know which to admire most in his writings; the strength of reason, force of style, or brightness of imagination. This author has remarked in several parts of his works, that a thorough insight into philosophy makes a good believer, and that a smattering in it naturally produces such a race of despicable infidels as the little profligate writers of the present age, whom, I must confess, I have always accused to myself, not so much for their want of faith, as their want of learning. I was infinitely pleased to find, among the works of this extraordinary man, a prayer of his own composing, which, for the elevation of thought and greatness of expression, seems rather the devotion of an angel than a man. His principal fault seems to have been the excess of that virtue which covers a multitude of faults. This betrayed him to Iso great an indulgence towards his servants, who made a corrupt use of it, that it stripped him of all those riches and honours which a long series of me. rits had heaped upon him. But in this prayer, at From my own Apartment, December 22. the same time that we find him prostrating himself I HAVE heard that it is a rule among the convent-before the great mercy-seat, and humbled under af His genius quite obscur'd the brightest ray R. Wynne. fictions, which at that time lay heavy upon him, we A Prayer, or Psalm, made by my Lord Bacon, From my own Apartment, December 25. table the following petition or project, sent me from Ar my coming home last night, I found upon my Lloyd's coffee-house in the city, with a present of port wine, which had been bought at a late auction 'Most gracicus Lord God, my merciful Father; from my youth up my Creator, my Redeemer, my Comforter. Thou, O Lord, soundest and searchest the depths and secrets of all hearts; thou acknowledgest the upright of heart; thou judgest the hy-held in that place. pocrite; thou ponderest men's thoughts and doings as in a balance; thou measurest their intentions as with a line; vanity and crooked ways cannot be hid from thee. To Isaac Bickerstaff, Esquire, Censor of Great Britain. Lloyd's Coffee-house, Lombard-street, Dec. 23. 'Remember, O Lord! how thy servant hath walked We, the customers of this coffee-house, observing before thee; remember what I have first sought, and that you have taken into consideration the great what have been principal in my intentions. I have mischiefs daily done in this city by coffee-house oraloved thy assemblies, I have mourned for the divi-tors, do humbly beg leave to represent to you, that sions of thy church, I have delighted in the brightness of thy sanctuary. This vine, which thy right hand hath planted in this nation, I have ever prayed unto thee that it might have the first and the latter rain, and that it might stretch her branches to the seas, and to the floods. The state and bread of the poor and oppressed have been precious in mine eyes; I have hated all cruelty and hardness of heart; I have, though in a despised weed, procured the good of all men. If any have been my enemies, I thought not of them, neither hath the sun almost set upon my displeasure; but I have been, as a dove, free from superfluity of maliciousness. Thy creatures have been my books, but thy scriptures much more. I have sought thee in the courts, fields, and gardens; but I have found thee in thy temples. "Thousands have been my sins, and ten thousands my transgressions, but thy sanctifications have remained with me, and my heart, through thy grace, hath been an unquenched coal upon thine altar. this coffee-house being provided with a pulpit for the benefit of such auctions as are frequently made in this place, it is our custom, upon the first coming in of the news, to order a youth, who officiates as the Kidney of the coffee-house, to get into the pulpit, and read every paper with a loud and distinct voice, while the whole audience are sipping their respective liquors. We do therefore, sir, humbly propose, that there be a pulpit erected within every coffee-house of this city and the adjacent parts; that one of the waiters of the coffee-house be nominated as reader to the said pulpit; that after the news of the day has been published by the said lecturer, some politician of good note do ascend into the said pulpit; and, after having chosen for his text any article of the said news, that he do establish the authority of such article, clear the doubts that may arise thereupon, compare it with parallel texts in other papers, advance upon it wholesome points of doctrine, and draw from it salutary conclusions for the benefit and 'O Lord, my strength! I have since my youth edification of all that hear him. We do likewise met with thee in all thy ways, by thy fatherly com- humbly propose, that upon any such politician's passions, by thy comfortable chastisements, and by quitting the pulpit, he shall be succeeded by any thy most visible providence. As thy favours have other orator that finds himself moved by the same increased upon me, so have thy corrections; so as public spirit, who shall be at full liberty either to enthou hast been always near me, O Lord! and ever force or overthrow what the other has said before as my worldly blessings were exalted, so secret darts him, and may, in the same manner, be succeeded from thee have pierced me; and when I have as- by any other politician, who shall, with the same cended before men, I have descended in humiliation liberty, confirm or impugn his reasons, strengthen before thee. And now, when I thought most of or invalidate his conjectures, enlarge upon his peace and honour, thy band is heavy upon me, and schemes, or erect new ones of his own. We do hath humbled me according to thy former loving- likewise further propose, that if any person, of what kindness, keeping me still in thy fatherly school, age or rank soever, do presume to cavil at any paper not as a bastard, but as a child. Just are thy judg-that has been read, or to hold forth upon it longer ments upon me for my sins, which are more in num- than the space of one minute, that he be immediately her than the sands of the sea, but have no propor-ordered up into the pulpit, there to make good any tion to thy mercies; for what are the sands of the thing that he has suggested upon the floor. We do sea? Earth, heavens, and all these, are nothing to likewise further propose, that if any one plays the thy mercies. Besides my innumerable sins, I con- orator in the ordinary coffee-house conversation, fess before thee, that I am debtor to thee for the whether it be upon peace or war, on plays or ser gracious talent of thy gifts and graces, which I have mons, business or poetry, that he be forthwith deneither put into a napkin, nor put it, as I ought, to sired to take his place in the pulpit. This, sir, we exchangers, where it might have made best profit, humbly presume, may in a great measure put a stop but misspent it in things for which I was least fit; so to those superficial statesmen, who would not dare I may truly say, my soul hath been a stranger in the to stand up in this manner before a whole congrecourse of my pilgrimage. Be merciful unto me, Olgation of politicians, notwithstanding the long and 1 tedious harangues and dissertations which they daily utter in private circles, to the breaking of many honest tradesmen, the seducing of several eminent citizens, the making of numberless malecontents, and to the great detriment and disquiet of her majesty's subjects.' It has been often observed by witty essay writers, that the deepest waters are always the most silent; that empty vessels make the greatest sound; and tinkling cymbals the worst music. The marquis of Halifax, in his admirable Advice to a Daughter,' tells her, that good-sense has always something I do heartily concur with my ingenious friends of sullen in it: but as sullenness does not imply si the above-mentioned coffee-house in these their pro-lence, but an ill-natured silence, I wish his lordship posals: and, because I apprehend there may be reasons to put an immediate stop to the grievance complained of, it is my intention, that, until such time as the aforesaid pulpits can be erected, every orator do place himself within the bar, and from thence dictate whatsoever he shall think necessary for the public good. had given a softer name to it. Since I am engaged unawares in quotations, I must not omit the satire which Horace has written against this impertinent talkative companion; and which, I think, is fuller of humour than any other satire he has written. This great author, who had the nicest taste of conversation, and was himself a most agreeable compa:" And further, because I am very desirous that nion, had so strong an antipathy to a great talker, proper ways and means should be found out for the that he was afraid some time or other it would be suppressing of story-tellers and fine talkers in all or-mortal to him; as he has very humorously described dinary conversations whatsoever, I do insist, that in every private club, company, or meeting over a bottle, there be always an elbow-chair placed at the table; and that as soon as any one begins a long story, or extends his discourse beyond the space of one minute, he be forthwith thrust into the said elbowchair, unless upon any of the company's calling out, 'to the chair,' he breaks off abruptly, and holds his tongue. There are two species of men, notwithstanding any thing that has been here said, whom I would exempt from the disgrace of the elbow-chair. The first are those buffoons that have a talent of mimicking the speech and behaviour of other persons, and turning all their patrons, friends, and acquaintance, into ridicule. I look upon your pantomime as a legion in a man, or at least to be, like Virgil's monster,' with a hundred mouths and as many tongues.' Linguæ centum sunt, oràque centum. And, therefore, would give him as much time to talk in, as would be allowed to the whole body of persons he represents, were they actually in the company which they divert by proxy. Provided, however, that the said pantomime do not, upon any pretence whatsoever, utter any thing in his own particular opinion, language, or character. I would likewise, in the second place, grant an exemption from the elbow-chair to any person who treats the company, and by that means be supposed to pay for his audience. A guest cannot take it ill, if he be not allowed to talk in his turn by a person who puts his mouth to a better employment, and stops it with good beef and mutton. In this case the guest is very agreeably silenced, and seems to hold it in his conversation with an impertinent fellow, who had like to have been the death of him. Interpellandi locus hic erat! Est tibi mater, Omnes composui. Felices! nunc ego resto; Have you no mother, sister, friends, Francis. his tongue under that kind of bribery which the an- No. 269.] THURSDAY, DECEMBER, 28, 1710. cients called bos in lingua. If I can once extirpate the race of solid and substantial humdrums, I hope, by my wholesome and repeated advices, quickly to reduce the insignificant tittle-tattles, and matter-of-fact-men, that abound in every quarter of this great city. Epictetus, in his little system of morality, prescribes the following rule with that beautiful simplicity which shines through all his precepts: Beware that thou never tell thy dreams in company; for, notwithstanding thou mayest take a pleasure in telling thy dreams, the company will take no plea. sure in hearing them.' This rule is conformable to a maxim which I have laid down in a late paper, and must always inculcate into those of my readers who find in themselves an inclination to be very talkative and impertinent, that they should not speak to please themselves, but those that hear them.' Hæ nugæ seria ducunt Francis. Hor. Ars. Poet. 451. -Trifles such as these To serious mischiefs lead. From my own Apartment, December 27. I FIND my correspondents are universally offended at me for taking notice so seldom of their letters, and I fear people have taken the advantage of my silence to go on in their errors; for which reason I shall hereafter be more careful to answer all lawful questions and just complaints, as soon as they come to my hands. The two following epistles relate to very great mischiefs in the most important articles of life-love, and friendship: 'MR. BICKERSTAFF, Dorsetshire, Dec. 20. It is my misfortune to be enamoured of a lady, tha is neither very beautiful, very witty, nor at all |