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Mer. Justice! Make that out, and my conscience will be easy.

Mer. O she'll run away with you most certainly

Wil. Did not her father's uncle, who was a good lawyer, and cheated my father of threefourths of his fortune, leave her near thirty thousand pounds? Now, this is my reasoning-Sir Mer. And I'll go and take mine, to help you Toby's uncle ran away with some thousands to carry off the venison-This is very like poachfrom my father, I shall run away with Siring, Will-But how will you get admittance Toby's daughter; this will bring the said thou- into Drury-Lane Theatre ? sands back to me again, with which I'll pay off old scores, and strike a balance in my favour, and get a good wife into the bargain. There's justice for you!

Wil. I must not lose time then. [Looking at his watch.] I must go and take my stand, that | the deer may not escape me.

Mer. Aye, justice with a vengeance! But why must Sir Toby be punished for the sins of his uncle?

Wil. I'll ease your conscience there, too. My mother, at my father's death, took me, a boy, to Sir Toby and my lady, to solicit their kindness for me-He gave me half-a-crown to buy gingerbread; and her ladyship, who was combing a fat lap-dog, muttered, There was no end of maintaining poor relations.'

Mer. I have not a qualm left-But did you really pass for a strolling player last summer, to have a pretence of being near her father's house?

Wil. Yes, I did; and, as Polonius says, was accounted a good actor.

Mer. What could put that unaccountable frolic in your head?

Wil. To gain the favour of Sir Toby's family, as a strolling player, which I could not as a poor relation. They are fond of acting to madness, and my plan succeeded; I was so altered they did not know me; they liked me much, came to a benefit which I pretended to have, invited me to their house, and Miss met me privately, after I had played Ranger and Lothario.

Mer. Aye, aye, when a young lady's head is crammed with combustible scraps of plays, she is always ready primed, and will go off (if you will allow me a pun) the very first opportunity.

Wil. I discovered myself to the young lady, and her generosity was so great, that she resolved to marry me to make me amends; there are refined feelings for you!

Mer. Aye, double refined!--she is more romantic than you, Will-But did not you run a great risque of losing her, when she knew you was only a gentleman, and not a player?

Wil. Read that letter, and tell me if my castles are built in the air? [Gives a letter.

Mer. [Reads.] I shall be with my papa and mamma to see a rehearsal at Drury-Lane Playhouse on Tuesday morning; if my present inclinations hold, and my heart does not fail me, I may convince honest Ranger, what confidence I have in his honour.-Postcript.-If I don't see you then, I don't know when I shall see you, for we return into the country next week.'

Wil. Well, what think you?

Wil. I was very near being disappointed there; for unluckily the acting manager, who scarce reached to my third button, cocked up his head in my face, and said I was much too tall for a hero-however, I got the liberty of the scenes, by desiring to rehearse Hamlet next week-But I hope to cross the Tweed with the fair Ophelia before that time, and finish my stage adventures by appearing the first time in the character of a good husband.

Mer. Success attend you!

Wil. This is the day,

Makes me, or mars, for ever and for aye!'If I succeed, I shall be restored to my father's estate, drink claret, and live like a gentleman with the wife of my heart; and, egad, for aught I know, stand for the county.

Mer. If not, you must be confined to your little one hundred and twenty pounds a year farm, make your own cheese, marry the curate's daughter, have a dozen children, and brew the best October in the parish.

Wil. Which ever way fortune will dispose of me, I shall be always happy to see my friends, and never shall forget my obligations to thee, my dear Jack. [Shakes him by the hand. Mer. Well, well; let us away-we have too much business to mind compliments.

[Exeunt severally. SCENE II.-The Play-house. Two Women sweeping the Stage.

1st Wom. Come, Betty; dust away, dust away, girl; the managers will be here presently; there's no lying in bed for them now, we are up early and iate; all hurry and bustle from morning to night; I wonder what the deuce they have got into their heads?

2d Wom. Why, to get money, Mrs. Besom, to be sure; the folks say about us, that the other house will make them stir their stumps, and they'll make us stir ours: If they are in motion, we must not stand still, Mrs. Besom.

1st Wom. Ay, ay, girl, they have met with their match, and we shall all suffer for it; for my part, I can't go through the work, if they are always in this plaguy hurry; I have not drank a comfortable dish of tea, since the house opened.

2d Wom. One had better die than be scolded and hurried about as we are by the housekeeper; he takes us all for a parcel of negers, I believe: pray, give us a pinch of your snuff, Mrs. Besom.

[They lean upon their brooms, and take ṣnuff.

1st Wom. Between you and I Betty, and our two brooms, the house-keeper is grown a little purse-proud; he thinks himself a great actor forsooth, since he played the Scotch fellow, and the fat cook in Queen Mab.

2d Wom. The quality spoils him too: why, woman, he talks to them for all the world as if he was a lord!

1st Wom. I shall certainly resign, as the great folks call it in the newspaper, if they won't promise to give me the first dresser's place that falls, and make our little Tommy a page; what, woman! though we are well paid for our work, we ought to make sure of something when our brooms are taken from us-'tis the fashion, Betty.

2d Wom. Right, right, Mrs, Besom; service is no inheritance, and to be always doing dirty work, and to have no prospect to rest, and clean ourselves, is the curse only of us poor folks.

1st Wom. You and I will drink a dish of tea together in comfort this afternoon, and talk over these and other matters-but mum-here's the prompter. [They sing, and sweep again.

Enter HOPKINS.

Hop. Come, come, away with your brooms, and clear the stage; the managers will be here directly. [The Sweepers hurry off.] Where are the carpenters?-Carpenters!

A Carpenter above.

Car. What do you want, Mr. Hopkins? Hop. What do I want? Come down, and set the scenes for the new Burletta of Orpheus. Car. We an't ready for it; the beasts are now in hand-they an't finished.

Hop. Not finished the beasts! here's fine work! the managers and author will be here directly, and nothing ready-fie, fie, fie!Saunders!- -Saunders ![Calls out.

Enter SAUNDers.

Saun. Here! here!-Zooks, what a bawling you make! do keep your breath for your prompting, Master Hopkins, and send it not after me

at this rate-I'm not deaf!

Hop. But your men are, and asleep too, I believe; I can't get a soul of them near me; 'tis ten o'clock, [Looking at his watch.] and not a scene prepared for the rehearsal; 'tis I shall be blamed, and not you.

Saun, Blamed for what! Tis but a rehearsal, and of one act only--would you have us to finish our work, before the poet has done his? Don't you know, that carpenters are always the last in the house? and yet you want us to get out of it, before the author has covered in!

Hop. You may be as witty as you please; but the managers will do as they please, and they have promised the author to rehearse the first act of his Burletta of Orpheus this morning,

as he pleases, with all the proper scenes dresses, machinery, and music; so, what signifies all our prating?

Saun. Very little, as you say-but damn all these new vagaries, that put us all upon our heads topsy versy!-my men have sat up all night, and I have finished every thing but the Dancing Cows.

Hop. Bless my heart, man, the author depends most upon his cows!

Saun. His cows! how came they to be his? they are my cows;-these poets are pretty fellows, faith! they say, I'll have a flying devil, or a dancing bear, or any such conundrum; why, 'tis easily said, but who is to make them fly, and dance? ha, Master Prompter? Why, poor Pill Garlic-the audience applauds, the author is conceited; but the capenter is never thought of. Hop. These are bold truths, Mr. Saunders.

Saun. Why, then, out with them, I say-great men spin the brains of the little ones, and take the credit of them. Do you know how I was served in our dramatic romance of Cymon?

Hop. You did your business well there, particularly in the last scene.

Saun. And what was the consequence? One fine gentleman in the boxes said, my master brought it from Italy-No, damn it, (says another, taking snuff) I saw the very same thing at Paris;' when you all know here, behind the scenes, that the whole design came from this head; and the execution from these hands-but nothing can be done by an Englishman now a days; and so your servant, Mr. Hopkins.

[Going.

ordered me to discharge the man at the lightnHop. Hark'ye, Saunders? the managers have ing; he was so drunk the last time he flashed, that he has singed all the clouds on that side the stage. [Pointing to the clouds. burnt a hole in the new cascade, and set fire to Saun. Yes, yes, I see it; and, harkye? he has

the shower of rain-but mum

Hop. The deuce! he must be discharged directly. [Exit SAUNDERS. Pat. [Without.] Where's the prompter? Hop. Here I sir. am,

Enter PATENT.

Pat. Make haste with your scenes, Saunders; so, clear the stage, Mr. Hopkins, and let us go to business. Is the extraordinary author of this very extraordinary performance come yet!

Hop. Not yet, sir, but we shall be soon ready for him. 'Tis a very extraordinary thing indeed, to rehearse only one act of a performance, and with dresses and decorations, as if it were really before an audience.

Pat. It is a novelty, indeed, and a little expensive too, but we could not withstand the solicitations, that were made to us; we shan't often repeat the same experiment.

Hop. I hope not, sir; 'tis a very troublesome one, and the performers murmur greatly at it.

[graphic]

Glib. Be quiet a little. You know, I suppose, that Cerberus is a dog, and has three heads? Put. I have heard as much.

Glib. Then you shall see some sport-He shall be a comical dog, too, I warrant you, ha, ha, ha!

Pat. What, is Cerberus a character in your performance?

Glib. Capital, capital! I have thrown all my fancy and invention into his mouth, or rather mouths-there are three of them, you know.

Pat. Most certainly, if there are three heads. Glib. Poh, that's nothing to what I have in petto for you-Observe me now-when Orpheus comes to the gates of hell, Cerberus stops himbut how, how-now for it-guess——

Pat. Upon my soul, I can't gues.

Glib. I make his three heads sing a trio.
Pat. A trio?

Glib. A trio! I knew I should hit you-a trio, treble, tenor, and bass--and what shall they sing? nothing in the world but, Bow, wow, wow! Orpheus begins

O bark not, Cerberus, nor grin-
A stranger, sure, to pass within,
Your goodness will allow !
Bow, wow, wow!

Treble, tenor, and bass-Then Orpheus shall tickle his lyre, and treble, tenor, and bass, shall fall asleep by degrees, and one after another, fainter and fainter-Bow, wow, wow-fast, you understand me!

Pat. Very ingenious, and very new-I hope the critics will understand it.

Glib. I will make every body understand it, or my name is not Derry-down Glib-When I write, the whole town shall understand me-You understand me?

Pat. I will prepare some tea and chocolate in the green-room for the ladies, while the prompter prepares matters for the rehearsal.

Lady Fuz. I never breakfast but once a day, Mr. Manager; Sir Toby, indeed, never refuses any thing at any time; he's at it from morning till night.

Sir Toby. I love to be social, my dear; besides, trifling with tea, chocolate, macaroons, bisquets, and such things, is never reckoned eating, you know.

Glib. You are indefatigably obliging, Mr. Patent. [Exit PATENT. Miss Fuz. Bless me, papa, what a strange place this is! I am sure I should not have known it again I wonder where he is! I wish I could get a peep at him; and yet I am frighted out of my wits. [Aside, and looking about. Sir Toby. Now the manager is gone, one may venture to say, that the play-house is no moruing beauty; paint and candle-light are as great friends to the theatres, as to the ladies; they hide many wrinkles-don't they, Mr. Glib? ha, ha, ha!

Glib. You have hit it, Sir Toby, and this is the old house, too, ha, ha, ha!

[SIR TOBY shews his daughter the scenes. Lady Fuz. [Looking about with a glass.] My dear Sir Toby, you, you may be as sarcastical as you please; but I protest, a play-house is a prodigious odd sort of a thing, now there is nobody in it-is it not, Sir Macaroni?

Sir Mac. O yes, and a prodigious odd sort of a thing, when 'tis full too-I abominate a playhouse; my ingenious countrymen have no taste now for the high seasoned comedies; and I am sure that I have none for the pap and loplolly of our present writers.

Glib. Bravo, Sir Macaroni! I would not give a pin for a play, no more than a partridge, that

Pat. Not very clearly, sir; but it is no matter has not the fumet. -Here's your company.

Enter SIR TOBY, LADY FUZ, SIR MACARONI VIRTU, and MISS Fuz.

Glib. Ladies and gentlemen, you do me honour; Mr. Patent, Sir Toby, and Miss Fuz, and this, Sir Macaroni Virtu. [All bow and curtsey.] Sir l'oby, one of the managers.

[Introducing PATENT. Sir Toby. I am one of the manager's most humble and obedient.

Glib. I take it as a most particular compliment, Sir Macaroni, that you would attend my trifle at so early an hour.

Sir Mac. Why, faith, Glib, without a compliment, I had much rather be in bed than here, or any where else. [Yawns. Lady Fuz. I have a prodigious curiosity to see your play-house by day-light, Mr. Manager: Iave not you, Sir Macaroni?

Sir Mac. Ono, my lady, I never have any curiosity to see it at all. [Half asleep.

4

Sir Mac. Not amiss, faith! ha, ha, ha! Lady Fuz. Don't let us lose time, Mr. Glib; if they are not ready for the rehearsal, suppose the manager entertains us with thunder and lightning, and let us see his traps, and his whims, and harlequin pantomimes.

Sir Toby. And a shower of rain, or an eclipse; and I must beg one peep at the Patagonians. Miss Fuz. Pray, Mr. Glib, let us have some thunder and lightning.

Glib. Your commands shall be obeyed, Miss; I'll whip up to the clouds, and be your Jupiter Tonans in a crack. [Exit.

Sir Mac. A play-house in England is to me as dull as a church, and fit only to sleep in. Lady Fuz. Sir Toby thinks so, too--I'll tell you what happened the last time we were there.

Miss Fuz. Ay, do, my dear lady, tell what happened to papa; 'twas very droll.

Sir Toby. Fie, fie, Fanny!--my lady, you should not tell tales out of school. Twas an accident,

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