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SIR GEORGE AIRY
SIR FRANCIS GRIPE

SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK
CHARLES

MARPLOT

WHISPER

MIRANDA

ISABINDA

PATCH

ACT I.

SCENE I.-The Park.

Enter Sir GEORGE AIRY, meeting Charles. Charles. Ha! Sir George Airy, a birding thus early! What forbidden game roused you so soon? for no lawful occasion could invite a person of your figure abroad at such unfashionable hours.

Sir G. There are some men, Charles, whom fortune has left free from inquietudes, who are diligently studious to find out ways and means to make themselves.uneasy.

Charles. Is it possible that anything in nature can ruffle the temper of a man whom the four seasons of the year compliment with as many thousand pounds; nay, and a father at rest with his ancestors.

Sir G. Why, there it is now! a man that wants money thinks none can be unhappy that has it; but any affairs are in such a whimsical posture, that it will require a calculation of my nativity to find if my gold will relieve me or not.

Charles. Ha, ha, ha! never consult the stars about that; gold has a power beyond them. Then what can by business be that gold won't serve thee in.

Sir G. Why I'm in love.

Charles. In love! Ha, ha, ha! in love! Ha, ha, ha, ha! with what, pr'ythee? a cherubin ? Sir G. No; with a woman.

Charles. A woman! good. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! and gold not help thee?

Sir G. But suppose I'm in love with two? Charles. Ay, if thou'rt in love with two hundred, gold will fetch them, I warrant thee, boy. But who are they? who are they? come.

Sir G. One is a lady whose face I never saw, but witty to a miracle; the other beautiful as Venus— Charles. And a fool.

Sir G. For ought I know, for I never spoke to her; but you can inform me. I am charmed by the wit of the one, and die for the beauty of the other.

Charles. And pray which are you in quest of now? Sir G. I prefer the sensual pleasure; I'm for her I've seen, who is thy father's ward, Miranda.

Charles. Nay, then I pity you; for the Jew, my father, will no more part with her and thirty thousand pounds than he would with a guinea to keep me from starving.

Sir G. Now you see gold can't do every thing, Charles.

Charles. Yes; for it is her gold that bars my father's gate against you.

Sir G. Why, if he be this avaricious wretch, how cam'st thou by such a liberal education?

Charles. Not a sous out of his pocket, I assure you: I had an uncle who defrayed that charge; but for some little wildness of youth, though he made me his heir, left dad my guardian till I came to years of discretion, which I presume the old gentleman will never think I am; and now he has got the estate into his clutches, it does me no more good than if it lay in Prester John's dominions.

Sir G. What, canst thou find no stratagem to redeem it?

Charles. I have made many essays to no purpose; though want, the mistress of invention, still tempts me on, yet still the old fox is too cunning for me. I

am upon my last project, which if it fails, then for out. Now the deel a ma saul, sir, giu ye touch ver my last refuge, a brown musket. steel I' se whip mine through yer wem.'

Sir G. What is't? can I assist thee? Charles. Not yet; when you can, I have confidence enough in you to ask it.

Sir G. I am always ready. But what does he intend to do with Miranda? Is she to be sold in private, or will he put her up by way of auction, at who bids most? If so, 'egad I'm for him; my gold, as you say, shall be subservient to my pleasure.

Charles. To deal ingenuously with you, Sir George, I know very little of her or home; for since my uncle's death, and my return from travel, I have never been well with my father; he thinks my expenses too great, and I his allowance too little; he never sees me but he quarrels, and to avoid that I shun his house as much as possible. The report is, he intends to marry her himself.

Sir G. Can she consent to it?

Charles. Yes faith, so they say; but I tell you I am wholly ignorant of the matter. I fancy she plays the mother-in-law already, and sets the old gentleman on to do mischief.

Sir G. Then I have your free consent to get her? Charles. Ay, and my helping hand, if occasion be. Sir G. Poh! yonder's a fool coming this way; let's avoid him.

Charles. What, Marplot? No, no, he's my instrument; there's a thousand conveniences in him; he'll lend ine his money, when he has any, run of my errands and be proud on it; in short, he'll pimp for me, lie for me, drink for me, do anything but fight for me, and that I trust to my own arm for.

Sir G. Nay, then he's to be endured; I never knew his qualifications before. [Retires.

Enter MARPLOT, with a patch across his face. Mar. Dear Charles, your's. Ha! Sir George Airy! the man in the world I have an ambition to be known to. [Aside.] Give me thy hand, dear boy. [To Charles, Charles. A good assurance! But harkye, how came your beautiful countenance clouded in the wrong place?

Mar. I must confess 'tis a little mal-a-propos; but no matter for that. A word with you, Charles. Pr'ythee introduce me to Sir George, he is a man of wit, and I'd give ten guineas to

Charles. When you have them, you mean. Mar. Ay, when I have them; poh, plague! you cut the thread of my discourse. I will give ten gui neas, I say, to be ranked in his acquaintance. But, pr'ythee, introduce me.

Charles. Well, on condition you'll give us a true account how you came by that mourning nose, I will. Mar. I'll do it.

Charles. Sir George, here's a gentleman has a passionate desire to kiss your hand.

Sir G. [advancing.] Oh! 1 honour men of the sword; and I presume this gentleman is lately come from Spain or Portugal, by his scars.

Mar. No, really, Sir George, mine sprung from civil fury. Happening last night to step into the groom-porter's, I had a strong inclination to go ten guineas with a sort of a, sort of a-kind of a milksop, as I thought. A plague of the dice! he flung out, and my pockets being empty, as Charles knows they often are, he proved a surly North Briton, and broke my face for my deficiency.

Su G. Ha, ha! and did not you draw? Mar. Draw, sir! why I did but lay my hand upon my sword to make a swift retreat, and he roared NO 16.

Sir G. Ha, ha, ha!

Charles. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Safe was the word. So you walked off, I suppose.

Mar. Yes, for I avoid fighting, purely to be serviceable to my friends, you know.

Sir G. Your friends are much obliged to you, sir, I hope you will rank me in that number. Mar. Sir George, a bow from the side-box, or to be seen in your chariot, binds me ever yours. Sir G. Trifles; you may command them when you please.

Sir

Charles. Provided he may command you. Mar. Me! why I live for no other purpose. George, I have the honour to be caressed by most of the reigning toasts of the town: I'll tell them you are the finest gentleman

Sir G. No, no, pr'ythee let me alone to tell the ladies my parts. Can you convey a letter upon occasion, or deliver a message with an air of business, ha?

Mar. With the assurance of a page and the gravity of a statesman.

Sir G. You know Miranda?

Mar. What my sister ward! why, her guardian is mine; we are fellow sufferers. Ah! he is a covetous, cheating, sanctified, curmudgeon: that Sir Francis Gripe is a d-'d old-hypocritical

Charles. Hold, hold; I suppose, friend, you forget that he is my father.

Mar. I ask your pardon, Charles, but it is for your sake I hate him. Well, I say, the world is mistaken in him; his outside piety makes him every man's executor, and his inside cunning makes him every heir's gaoler. 'Egad, Charles, I'm half persuaded that thou art some ward too, and never of his getting; for never were two things so unlike as you and your father; he scrapes up everything, and thou spendest every thing; everybody is indebted to him, and thou art indebted to everybody.

Charles. You are very free, Mr. Marplot.

Mar. Ay, I give and take, Charles; you may be as free with me, you know.

Sir G. A pleasant fellow.

Charles. The dog is diverting sometimes, or there would be no enduring his impertinence. He is pressing to be employed, and willing to execute; but some ill fate generally attends all he undertakes, and he oftener spoils an intrigue than helps it.

Mar. I have always your good word; but if I miscarry, 'tis none of my fault; I follow my instruc

tions.

Charles. Yes, witness the merchant's wife.
Mur. Pish, poh! that was an accident.
Sir G. What was it, pr'ythee?

Mar. Nay, Charles, now don't expose your friend. Charles. Why, you must know I had lent a certain merchant my hunting horses, and was to have met his wife in his absence. Sending him along with my groom to make the compliment, and to deliver a letter to the lady at the same time, what does he do but gives the husband the letter and offers her the horses!

Mar. Why to be sure I did offer her the horses, and I remember you was even with me, for you denied the letter to be yours, and swore I had a design upon her, which my bones paid for.

Charles. Come, Sir George, let us walk round, if you are not engaged, for I have sent my man upon a little earnest business, and I have ordered him to bring me the answer into the park. 3 F

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to know the hour.

Mar. What did Whisper say now? I shall go stark mad if I'm not let into the secret. Aside.] Charles. Curst misfortune!

Mar. Curst! what's curst, Charles?

Charles. Come along with me; my heart feels pleasure at her name. Sir George, yours; we'll meet at the old place, the usual hour.

Sir G. Agreed, I think I see Sir Francis yonder.

[Erit. I am enMar. Engaged! Egad, I'll engage my know what your engagement is.

Charles. Marplot, you must excuse me; gaged.

Enter MIRANDA.

[Exit. life fill [Erit.

Patch. Ay, and he expects him by the next fleet, which drives his daughter to melancholy and despair. But, madam, I find you retain the same gay, cheerful spirit you had when I waited on your ladyship. My lady is mighty good-humoured too, and I have found a way to make Sir Jealous believe I am wholly in his interest, when my real design is to serve her he makes me her gaoler. and I set her at liberty.

Mir. I knew thy prolific brain would be of singular service to her, or I had not parted with thee to her father.

Patch. But, madam, the report is that you are going to marry your guardian.

Mir. It is necessary such a report should be, Patch.
Patch. But is it true, madam?

Mir. That's not absolutely necessary.

Patch. I thought it was only the old strain, craxing him still for your own, and railing at all the young fellows about town: in my mind now, you are as ill plagued with your guardian, madam, as my lady is with her father.

what would she give now to be in this dishabille in
Mir. No, I have liberty, wench; that she wants:
low she likes? for that's my case, I assure you.
open air; nay more, in pursuit of the young fel-

the

Patch. As for that, madam, she's even with you; for though she cannot come abroad, we have a way to bring him home in spite of old Argus. here he comes. Mir. Now, Patch, your opinion of my choice, for Ha! my guardian with him! what can't know me in this dress. Let's observe them. can be the meaning of this? I'm sure Sir Francis [They withdraw.]

Enter SIR FRANCIS GRIPE and SIR GEORGE AIRY.

Sir. F. Verily, Sir George, thou wilt repent throwing away thy money so, for I tell thee sincerely, Miranda, my charge, does not like a young fellow; they are all vicious, and seldom make good husbands. In

Mir. Let the chair wait. My servant, that dog - sober sadness she cannot abide them. ged Sir George, said he was in the park.

Enter PATCH.

Ha! Miss Patch alone! did not you tell me you had contrived a way to bring Isabinda to the park?

Mir. [Peeping.] In sober sadness, you are mis taken. What can this mean?

Sir G. Lookye, Sir Francis, whether she can er cannot abide young fellows is not the business - will you take the fifty guineas?

Patch. Oh, madam, your ladyship cannot imagine what a wretched disappointment we have met with! Sir F. In good troth I will not; for I knew thy Just as I had fetched a suit of my clothes for a dis-father, he was a hearty wary man, and I cannot conguise, comes my old master into his closet, which is sent that his son should squander away what he right against her chamber door: this struck us into saved to no purpose. a terrible fright; at length I put on a grave face, and asked him if he was at leisure for his chocolate? in hopes to draw him out of his hole; but he snapp'd my nose off: "No, I shall be busy here these two hours." At which my poor mistress, seeing no way of escape, ordered me to wait on your ladyship with the sad relation.

Mir. Unhappy Isabinda! was ever any thing so unaccountable as the humour of Sir Jealous Traffick? Patch. Oh, madam, it's his living so long in Spain; he vows he'll spend half his estate but he'll be a parliament man, on purpose to bring in a bill for women to wear veils, and other odious Spanish customs. He swears it is the height of impudence to have a woman seen barefaced even at church, and scarce believes there's a true begotten child in the city.

Mir. Ha, ha, ha! how the old fool torments himself! Suppose he could introduce his rigid rules, does he think we could not match them in contrivance? No, no! let the tyrant man make what laws he will, if there's a woman under the government, I warrant she finds a way to break them. Is his mind upon the Spaniard for a son-in-law, still?

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Mir. Peeping. Now, in the name of wonder, what bargain can he be driving about me for fifty guineas?

Sir G. Well, Sir Francis, since you are so enscientious for my father's sake, then permit me the favour gratis.

Sir F. No, verily; if thou dost not buy thr experience thou wilt never be wise; therefore give me a hundred and try thy fortune.

Sir G. The scruples arose, I find, from the scanty sum. Let me see a hundred guineas. Takes the money out of a purse and chinks it.] Ha! they have a very pretty sound, and a very pleasing look. B then, Miranda; but if she should be cruelt Sir F. Ay, do consider on't. He, be, he!

Sir. G. No, I'll do it. Come, to the point: bere is the gold; sum up the conditions. [Sir Fran pulls out a paper.]

Mir. [Peeping.] Ay, for heaven's sake do, for y expectation is on the rack.

Sir F. Well, at your peril be it.

Sir G. Ay, ay, go on.

Sir F. Imprimis, you are to be admitted into my house in order to move your suit to Miranda, for the

space of ten minutes, without let or molestation, provided I remain in the same room.

Sir G. But out of ear-shot.

Sir F. Well, well, I don't desire to hear what you say; ha, ha, ha! In consideration I am to have that purse and a hundred guineas.

Sir G. Take it. [Gives him the purse.] agreement is to be performed to-day?

And this Sir F. Ay, ay; the sooner the better. Poor fool! how Miranda and I shall laugh at him: [Aside.] Well, Sir George, ha, ha, ha! take the last sound of your guineas, ha, ha, ha! [Chinks them. Erit.] Mir. [Peeping.] Sure he does not know that I am Miranda.

Sir G. A very extraordinary bargain I have made, truly; if she should be really in love with this old cuff now? Psha! that's morally impossible. But then, what hopes have I to succeed? I never spoke to her.

Mir. [Peeping. Say you so? then I am safe. Sir G. What, though my tongue never spoke, my eyes said a thousand things, and my hopes flattered me her's answered them. If I am lucky—if not, it | is but a hundred guineas thrown away. [Miranda comes forward.].

Mir. Upon what, Sir George?

SirG. Ha! my incognita! upon a woman, madam. Mir. They are the worst things you can deal in, and damage the soonest; your very breath destroys them, and I fear you'll never see your return, Sir George, ha, ha!

Sir G. Were they more brittle than china, and dropped to pieces with a touch, every atom of her I have ventured at, if she is but mistress of thy wit, balances ten times the sum. Pr'ythee, let me see thy face.

Mir. By no means; that may spoil your opinion of my sense.

Patch. Suppose, sir, the lady should be in love with you?

Sir C. Oh! I'll return the obligation in a moment. Patch. And marry her?

Sir G. Ha, ha, ha! that's not the way to love her, child.

Mir. If he discovers me I shall die. Which way shall I escape? let me see. [Pauses.] Sir G. Well, madam.

Mir. I have it. Sir George, 'tis fit you should allow something; if you'll excuse my face, and turn your back (if you look upon me I shall sink, even masked as I am,) I will confess why I have engaged you so often, who I am, and where I live.

Sir G. Well, to shew you I am a man of honour, I accept the conditions: let me but once know those, and the face won't be long a secret to me,

Patch. What do you mean, madam? [Aside to Miranda.]

Mir. To get off. [Aside to Patch.]

Sir G. 'Tis something indecent to turn one's back. upon a lady; but you command, and I obey. [Turns his back.] Come, madam, begin.

Mir. First, then it was my unhappy lot to see you at Paris [Draws back a little way, and speaks], at a ball upon a birth-day; your shape and air charmed my eyes, your wit and complaisance my soul, and from that fatal night I loved you. [Drawing back. And when you left the place, grief seiz'd me so, Nor rest my heart, nor sleep my eyes could know, Last, I resolv'd a hazardous point to try, And quit the place in search of liberty,

[Exit, followed by Patch.

Sir G. Excellent! I hope she's handsome. Well, now, madam, to the two other things, your name, and where you live. I am a gentleman, and this confession will not be lost upon me. Nay, pr'ythee, don't Sir G. Rather confirm it, madam. but weep, go on, for I find my heart melts in Patch. So rob the lady of your gallantry, sir. thy behalf. Speak quickly, or I shall turn about. Sir G. No child, a dish of chocolate, in the morn-Not yet; poor lady! she expects I should comfort ing never spoils my dinner; the other lady I design for a set meal; so there's no danger.

Mir. Matrimony! ha, ha, ha! what crimes have you committed against the god of love, that he should revenge them so severely, as to stamp husband on your forehead?

Sir G. For my folly, in having so often met you here without pursuing the laws of nature and exer. cising her commands: but I resolve ere we part now to know who you are, where you live, what kind of flesh and blood your face is; therefore unmask, and don't put me to the trouble of doing it for you.

Mir My face is the same flesh and blood with my hand, Sir George; which if you will be so rude to provoke

Sir G. You'll apply to my cheek; the ladies' favours are always welcome, but I must have that cloud withdrawn. [Taking hold of her.] Remember you are in the park, child; and what a terrible thing would it be to lose this pretty white hand!

Mir. And how it will sound in a chocolate-house, that Sir George Airy rudely pulled off a lady's mask, when he had given her his honour that he never would, directly or indirectly, endeavour to know her till she gave him leave?

Sir G. But if that lady thinks fit to pursue and meet me at every turn, like some troubled spirit, shall I be blamed if I inquire into the reality? I would have nothing dissatisfied in a female shape. Mir. What shall I do? [Pauses.]

Sir G. Ay, pr'ythee, consider, for thou shalt find me very much at thy service.

her, and, to do her justice, she has said enough to encourage me. [Turns about.] Ha! gone! the devil! jilted! Why, what a tale she has invented, of Paris, balls, and birth-days! 'Egad, I'd give ten guineas to know who the gipsy is. A curse of my folly; I deserve to lose her. What woman can forgive a man that turns his back?

The bold and resolute in love and war
To conquer take the right and swiftest way:
The boldest lover soonest gains the fair,
As courage makes the rudest force obey:
Take no denial, and the dames adore ye;
Closely pursue them, and they fall before ye.
[Exit.

ACT II.

SCENE I-A Room in Sir Francis Gripe's house.
Enter SIR FRANCIS GRIPE and MIRANDA.
Sir F. Ha, ha, ha!

Mir. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh! I shall die with laughing: the most romantic adventure. Ha, ha, ha! what does the odious young fop mean? A hundred pieces to talk ten minutes with me! ha, ha, ha, ha!

Si F. And I am to be by too, there's the rest, adad, if it had been in private, I should not hava cared to trust the young dog.

3 F 2

Mir. Indeed and indeed but you might, gardy. Now methinks there's nobody handsomer than you: so neat, so clean, so good-humoured, and so loving. Sir F. Pretty rogue, pretty rogue! and so thou shalt find me, if thou dost prefer thy gardy before these caperers of the age: thou shalt outshine the queen's box on an opera night; thou shalt be the envy of the ring (for I will carry thee to Hydepark,) and thy equipage shall surpass the-what d'ye call 'em ambassador's?

Mir. Nay, I am sure the discreet part of my sex will envy me more for the inside furniture, when you are in it, than my outside equipage.

Sir F. A cunning baggage, 'ifaith thou art, and a wise one too! and to shew thee that thou hast not chosen amiss, I'll this moment disinherit my son and settle my whole estate upon thee.

Mir. There's an old rogue now. Aside.] No, gardy, I would not have your name be so black in the world. You know my father's will runs that I am not to possess my estate, without your consent, till I am five-and-twenty; you shall only abate the odd seven years, and make me mistress of my estate to-day, and I'll make you master of my person to

morrow.

Sir F. Humph! that may not be safe. No, chargy, I'll settle it upon thee for pin money, and that will be every bit as well, thou knowest. Mir. Unconscionable old wretch' bribe me with my own money! Which way shall I get out of his hands? [Aside. Sir F. Well, what art thou thinking on, my girl, ha! how to banter Sir George?

Mir. I must not pretend to banter; he knows my tongue too well. Aside.] No, gardy, I have thought of a way will confound him more than all I could say, if I could talk to him seven years.

Sir F. How's that? oh! I'm transported, I'm ravished, I'm mad.

Mir. It would make you mad if you knew all. [Aside.] I'll not answer him a word, but be dumb to all he says.

Sir F. Dumb! good; ha, ha, ha! Excellent! ha, ha, ha, ha! I think I have you now, Sir George. Dumb! he'll go distracted; well, she is the wittiest rogue. Ha, ha! dumb! I can't but laugh, ha, ha! to think how d-d mad he'll be when he finds he has given his money away for a dumb shew! ha, ha, ha! Mir. Nay, gardy, if he did but know my thoughts of him it would make him ten times madder; ha, ha, ha, ha!

Sir F. Ay, so it would, chargy, to hold him in such derision, to scorn to answer him, to be dumb; ha, ha, ha

Enter CHARLES.

How now, sirrah! who let you in?

Charles. My necessities, sir.

Sir F. Your necessities are very impertinent, and ought to have sent before they entered.

Charles. Sir, I knew it was a word would gain admittance nowhere.

Sir F. Then, sirrah, how durst you rudely thrust that upon your father which nobody else would admit? Charles. Sure the name of a son is a sufficient plea! I ask this lady's pardon, if I have intruded Sir F. Ay, ay, ask her pardon and her blessing too, if you expect anything from me.

Mir. I believe your's, Sir Francis, and a purse of guineas, would be more material. Your son may have business with you; I'll retire,

Sir F. I guess his business, but I'll dispatch him;

I expect the knight every minute: you'll be readiness?

Mir. Certainly. My expectation is more upon the wing than yours, old gentleman. [Axide, and exit. Sir F. Well, sir.

Charles. Nay, it is very ill, sir; my circumstances are, I'm sure.

Sir F. And what's that to me, sir? your management should have made them better.

Charles. If you please to entrust me with the management of my estate, I shall endeavour it, sir.

Sir F. What, to set upon a card, and buy a lady's favour at the price of a thousand pieces-to rig out an equipage for a wench-or by your carelessness to enrich your steward to fine for sheriff, or put up for a parliament man.

Charles. I hope I should not spend it this way: however, I ask only for what my uncle left me; yours you may dispose of as you please, sir.

Sir F. That I shall, out of your reach, I assure you, sir. Adad, these young fellows think old men get estates for nothing but for them to squander away in dicing, wenching, drinking, dressing, and so forth. Charles. I think I was born a gentleman, sir; I am sure my uncle bred me like one.

Sir F. From which you would infer, sir, that gambling and wenching are requisites for a gentleman.

Charles. Monstrous! when I would ask him only for a support, he falls into these unmannerly reproaches. I must, though against my will, employ invention, and by stratagem relieve myself. [Ande. Sir F. Sirrah, what is it you mutter, sirrah, ha? [Holds up his cane.] I say you sha'n't have a great out of my hands till I please, and may be I'll never please; and what's that to you?

Charles. Nay, to be robbed or have one's throat cut is not much.

Sir F. What's that, sirrah! would you rob me or cut my throat, you rogue?

Charles. Heaven forbid, sir! I said no such thing. Sir F. Mercy on me! what a plague it is to have a son of one-and-twenty, who wants to elbow one out of one's life to edge himself into the estate! Enter MARPLOT.

Mar. 'Egad he's here. I was afraid I had lost him: his secret could not be with his father; his wants are public there. Guardian, your servant. O Charles, are you there? I know by that sorrowfuł countenance of thine, the old man's fist is as close as his strong box. But I'll help thee. Aside.

Sir F. So here's another extravagant coxcomb, that will spend his fortune before he comes to it! but he shall pay swinging interest, and so let the fool go on. Well, what, does necessity bring you too, sir? Mar. You have hit it, guardian. I want a hundred pounds.

Sir F. For what?

Mar. Poh! for a hundred things; I can't for my life tell you for what.

Charles. Sir, I suppose I have received all the answer I am like to have?

Mar. O, the devil! if he gets out before me I shall lose him again. [Aside. Sir F. Ay, sir, and you may be marching as soon as you please. I must see a change in your temper, ere you find one in mine.

Mar. Pray, sir, despatch me; the money, sir; I'm in mighty haste.

Sir F. Fool, take this and go to the cashier. I shall not be long plagued with thee,

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