Sir Phi. Impossible, you should wish to be an Englishman! Pardon me, sir, this island could not produce a person of such alertness. Col. As this mirror shews you, sir. [Puts up a pocket glass to SIR PHILIP's face. Wom. Coxcombs! I'm sick to hear them praise one another. One seldom gets any thing by such animals; not even a dinner, unless one can dine upon soup and celery. Col. The ladies, and the laws. Sir Phi. The laws, indeed, do claim a preference of other nations---but, by my soul, there are fine women every where.--I must own I have felt their power in all countries. Col. There are some finished beauties, I confess, in France, Italy, Germany, nay, even in Holland, mais elles sont bien rare: but les belles Angloises! Oh, sir Philip, where find we such women! such symmetry of shape! such ele[Exit Woman.gance of dress! such regularity of features! such sweetness of temper! such commanding eyes! and such bewitching smiles! Sir Phi. O Gad, sir? Will you leave us, madam? Ha, ha, ha! Col. She fears 'twill be only losing time to stay here, ha, ha, ha! I know not how to distinguish you, sir; but your mien and address speak you right honourable. Sir Phi. Thus, great souls judge of others by themselves-I am only adorned with knighthood, that's all, I assure you, sir; my name is sir Philip Modelove. Col. Of French extraction? Sir Phi. My father was French. Col. One may plainly perceive it-There is a certain gaiety peculiar to my nation (for I will own myself a Frenchman) which distinguishes us every where-A person of your figure would be a vast addition to a coronet. Sir Phi. I must own I had the offer of a barony about five years ago; but I abhorred the fatigue which must have attended it. I could never yet bring myself to join with either party. Col. You are perfectly in the right, Sir Philip ---a fine person should not embark himself in the slovenly concern of politics: dress and pleasure are objects proper for the soul of a fine gentle man. Sir Phi. And love-- Col. Oh! that's included under the article of pleasure. Sir Phi. Parbleu il est un homme d'esprit! I. must embrace you--[Rise and embrace.]---Your sentiments are so agreeable to mine, that we appear to have but one soul, for our ideas and conceptions are the same. Col. I should be sorry for that. [Aside.]---You do me too much honour, sir Philip. Sir Phi. Your vivacity and jantee mien assured me, at first sight, there was nothing of this foggy island in your composition. May I crave your name, sir? Col. My name is La Fainwell, sir, at your service. Sir Phi. Ah! parbleu vous etes attrapé. Col. Non, je vous assure, Chevalier.--But I declare there is no amusement so agreeable to my goût as the conversation of a fine woman-I could never be prevailed upon to enter into what the vulgar call the pleasure of the bottle. Sir Phi. My own taste, positivement.-A ball, or a masquerade, is certainly preferable to all the productions of the vineyard." Col. Infinitely! I hope the people of quality in England will support that branch of pleasure which was imported with the peace, and since naturalized by the ingenious Mr. Heidegger. Sir Phi. The ladies assure me it will become part of the constitution-upon which I subscribed a hundred guineas-It will be of great service to the public, at least to the company of surgeons; and the city in general. Col. Ha, ha! it may help to ennoble the blood. of the city. Are you married, sir Philip? Sir Phi. No; nor do I believe I ever shall enter into that honourable state: I have an ab 'solute tendre for the whole sex. Col. That's more than they have for you, I dare swear. [Aside. Sir Phi. And I have the honour to be very well with the ladies, I can assure you, sir; and I won't affront a million of fine women to make one happy. Col. Nay, marriage is reducing a man's taste to a kind of half pleasure: but then it carries the blessings of peace along with it; one goes to sleep without fear, and wakes without pain. Sir Phi. There's something of that in't; a wife is a very good dish for an English stomach, -but gross feeding for nicer palates, ha, ha, ha! Col. I find I was very much mistaken-I imagined you had been married to that young lady, whom I saw in the chariot with you this morn Sir Phi. The La Fainwells are French, I know; though the name is become very numer-ing in Grace-church-Street. ous in Great-Britain of late years-I was sure you was French the moment I laid my eyes upon you; I could not come into the supposition of your being an Englishman: this island produces few such ornaments. Col. Pardon me, sir Philip; this island has two things superior to all nations under the sun. Sir Phi. Ah! what are they? Sir Phi. Who, Nancy Lovely? I am a piece of a guardian to that lady: you must know, her father, I thank him, joined me with three of the most preposterous old fellows---that, upon my soul, I am in pain for the poor girl:--she must certainly lead apes, as the saying is; ha, ha! Col. That's pity, sir Philip, If the lady would give me leave, I would endeavour to avert that curse. Sir Phi. As to the lady, she'd gladly be rid of us at any rate, I believe; but here's the mischief! he who marries Miss Lovely, must have the consent of us all four--or not a penny of her portion.--For my part, I shall never approve of any but a man of figure,--and the rest are not only averse to cleanliness, but have each a peculiar taste to gratify.---For my part, I declare I would prefer you to all the men I ever saw. Col. And I her to all women Sir Phi. I assure you, Mr Fainwell, I am for marrying her; for I hate the trouble of a guardian, especially among such wretches; but resolve never to agree to the choice of any one of them, ---and I fancy they'll be even with me, for they never came into any proposal of mine yet. Col. I wish I had your leave to try them, sir Philip. Sir Phi. With all my soul, sir; I can refuse a person of your appearance nothing. Col. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to you. Sir Phi. The only point in which we differ--But you are master of so many qualifications, that I can excuse one fault; for I must think it a fault in a fine gentleman; and that you are such, I'll give it under my hand. Col. I wish you'd give me your consent to marry Mrs Lovely under your hand, sir Philip. Sir Phi. I'll do't, if you'll step into St James's Coffee-house, where we may have pen and inkthough I can't foresee what advantage my consent will be to you, without you could find a way to get the rest of the guardians. But I'll introduce you, however: she is now at a Quaker's, where I carried her this morning, when you saw us in Gracechurch-Street.-I assure you she has an odd ragout of guardians, as you will find when you hear the characters, which I'll endeavour to give you as we go along.-Hey! Pierre, Jaque, Renno-where are you all, scoundrels?- -Order the chariots to St James's Coffee-house. Col. Le Noir, là Brun, la Blanc.—Morbleu, ou sont ces coquins la? Allons, Monsieur le Chevalier. Sir Phi. Ah! Pardonnez moi, monsieur. Col. Not one step, upon my soul, sir Philip. Sir Phi. The best bred man in Europe, positively! [Exeunt. SCENE II.-Changes to OBADIAH PRIM'S house. Enter MRS LOVELY, followed by MRS PRIM. Mrs Prim. Then, thou wilt not obey me? and thou dost really think those fallals become thee? Mrs Love. I do, indeed. Mrs Prim. Now will I be judged by all sober people, if I don't look more like a modest woman than thou dost, Anne. Mrs Love. More like a hypocrite you mean, Mrs Prim. Mrs Prim. Ah! Anne, Anne, that wicked Philip Modelove will undo thee-Satan so fills thy heart with pride, during the three months of his guardianship, that thou becomest a stumbling block to the upright. Mrs Love. Pray, who are they? Are the pinched cap and formal hood the emblems of sanctity? Does your virtue consist in your dress, Mrs Prim? Mrs Prim. It doth not consist in cut hair, spotted face, and a bare neck.-Oh the wickedness of the generation! The primitive women knew not the abomination of hooped petticoats. Mrs Love. No; nor the abomination of cant neither. Don't tell me, Mrs Prim, don't. I know you have as much pride, vanity, self-conceit, and ambition among you, couched under that formal habit, and sanctified countenance, as the proudest of us all; but the world begins to see your prudery. Mrs Prim. Prudery! What! do they invent new words as well as new fashions? Ah! poor fantastic age, I pity thee-Poor deluded Anne, which dost thou think most resembles the saint, and which the sinner, thy dress or mine? Thy naked bosom allureth the eye of the by-stander, -encourageth the frailty of human-nature-and corrupteth the soul with evil longings. Mrs Love. And, pray, who corrupted your son Tobias with evil longings? Your maid Tabitha wore a handkerchief, and yet he made the saint a sinner. Mrs Prim. Well, well, spit thy malice. I confess Satan did buffet my son Tobias, and my servant Tabitha: the evil spirit was at that time too strong, and they both became subject to its workings, not from any outward provocation, but from an inward call; he was not tainted with the rottenness of the fashions, nor did his eyes take in the drunkenness of beauty. Mrs Love. No! that's plainly to be seen. Mrs Prim. Tabitha is one of the faithful; he fell not with a stranger. Mrs Love. So! Then you hold wenching no crime, provided it be within the pale of your own tribe.- You are an excellent casuist, truly! Enter OBADIAH PRIM. Oba. Prim. Not stripped of thy vanity yet, Anne! Why dost thou not make her put it off, Sarah? Mrs Prim. She will not do it. Oba. Prim. Verily, thy naked breast troubleth my outward man; I pray thee hide them, Anne: put on an handkerchief, Anne Lovely. Mrs Love. I hate handkerchiefs when 'tis not cold weather, Mr Prim. Mrs Prim. I have seen thee wear a handker chief, nay, and a mask to boot, in the middle of | have reached the ears of the wicked ones :---verily, it troubleth me. July. Mrs Love. Ay; to keep the sun from scorching me. Oba. Prim. If thou couldst not bear the sunbeams, how dost thou think man can bear thy beams? Those breasts inflame desire; let them be hid, I say. Mrs Love. Let me be quiet, I say. Must I be tormented thus for ever? Sure no woman's condition ever equalled mine! Foppery, folly, avarice, and hypocrisy, are, by turns, my constant companions and I must vary shapes as often as a player-I cannot think my father meant this tyranny! No, you usurp an authority which he never intended you should take. Oba. Prim. Hark thee; dost thou call good counsel tyranny? Do I, or my wife, tyrannize, when we desire thee, in all love, to put off thy tempting attire, and veil thy provokers to sin? Mrs Love. Deliver me, good Heaven! or I shall go distracted. [Walks about. Mrs Prim. So! now thy pinners are tost, and thy breasts pulled up! Verily, they were seen enough before. Fy upon the filthy tailor who made thy stays! Mrs Love. I wish I were in my grave! me rather than treat me thus. Kill Oba. Prim. Kill thee! ha, ha! thou thinkest thou art acting some lewd play, sure!--kill thee! Art thou prepared for death, Anne Lovely? No, no; thou wouldst rather have a husband, AnneThou wantest a gilt coach, with six lazy fellows behind, to flaunt it in the ring of vanity, among the princes and rulers of the land, who pamper themselves with the fatness thereof; but I will take care that none shall squander away thy father's estate; thou shalt marry none such, Anne. Mrs Love. Would you marry me to one of your own canting sect? Oba. Prim. Yea, verily; no one else shall ever get my consent, I do assure thee, Anne. Mrs Love. And, I do assure thee, Obadiah, | Enter Servant. [Aside. Sir Phi. How dost thou do, friend Prim? Odso! my she-friend here, too! What, are you documenting Miss Nancy? Reading her a lecture upon the pinched coif, I warrant ye! Mrs Prim. I am sure thou didst never read her any lecture that was good. My flesh riseth so at these wicked ones, that prudence adviseth me to withdraw from their sight. [Exit. Col. Oh! that I could find means to speak with her! How charming she appears! I wish I could get this letter into her hand. [Aside. Sir Phi. Well, Miss Cockey, I hope thou hast got the better of them. Mrs Love. The difficulties of my life are not to be surmounted, sir Philip.I hate the impertinence of him, as much as the stupidity of the other. [Aside. Oba. Prim. Verily, Philip, thou wilt spoil this maiden. Sir Phi. I find we still differ in opinion; but that we may none of us spoil her, prithee, Prim, let us consent to marry her. I have sent for our brother guardians to meet me here about this very thing-Madam, will you give me leave to recommend a husband to you? Here's a gentleman, whom, in my mind, you can have no objection to. [Presents the Colonel to her, she looks an other way. Mrs Love. Heaven deliver me from the formal, and the fantastic fool! Col. A fine woman-a fine horse, and fine that I will as soon turn Papist, and die in a con-equipage, are the finest things in the universe: vent. Mrs Prim. Oh, wickedness! Mrs Love. Oh, stupidity! Oba. Prim. Oh, blindness of heart! Mrs Love. Thou blinder of the world, don't provoke me-lest I betray your sanctity, and leave your wife to judge of your purity :-What were the emotions of your spirit--when you squeezed Mary by the hand last night in the pantry-when she told you, you bussed so filthily? Ah! you had no aversion to naked bosoms, when you begged her to shew you a little, little, little bit of her delicious bubby :---don't you remember those words, Mr Prim? Mrs Prim. What does she say, Obadiah? Ob. Prim. She talketh unintelligibly, Sarah. Which way did she hear this? This should not and if I am so happy to possess you, madam, I shall become the envy of mankind, as much as you outshine your whole sex. [As he takes her hand to kiss it, he endeavours to put a letter into it; she lets it drop-PRIM takes it up. Mrs Love. I have no ambition to appear conspicuously ridiculous, sir. [Turning from him. Col. So fail the hopes of Fainwell. Mrs Love. Ha! Fainwell! "Tis he! What have I done? Prim has the letter, and it will be discovered! [Aside. Oba. Prim. Friend, I know not thy name, so cannot call thee by it; but thou seest thy letter is unwelcome to the maiden; she will not read it, Mrs Love. Nor shall you; [Snatches the letter.] I'll tear it in a thousand pieces, and scatter it, as I will the hopes of all those that any of you shall recommend to me. [Tears the letter. Sir Phil. Ha! Right woman, faith! Col. Excellent woman! [Aside. Oba. Prim. Friend, thy garb savoureth too much of the vanity of the age for my approbation; nothing that resembleth Philip Modelove shall I love; mark that- -therefore, friend Philip, bring no more of thy own apes under my roof. Sir Phi. I am so entirely a stranger to the monsters of thy breed, that I shall bring none of them, I am sure. Col. I am likely to have a pretty task by that time I have gone through them all; but she's a city worth taking; and, 'egad! I'll carry on the siege: if I can but blow up the outworks, I fancy I am pretty secure of the town. [Aside. Col. Humph! by that question he must be the broker. [Aside.] Business, sir! the business of a gentleman. Trade. That is as much as to say, you dress fine, feed high, lie with every woman you like, and pay your surgeon's bill better than your tailor's, or your butcher's. Col. The court is much obliged to you, sir, for your character of a gentleman. Trade. The court, sir! What would the court. do without us citizens? Sir Phi. Without your wives and daughters, you mean, Mr Tradelove? Per. Have you ever travelled, sir ? Col. That question must not be answered now -In books I have, sir. Per. In books! That's fine travelling, indeed! -Sir Philip, when you present a person I like, he shall have my consent to marry Mrs Lovely; till then, your servant. [Exit. Col. I'll make you like me before I have done with you, or I am mistaken. [Aside. Trade. And when you can convince me that a beau is more useful to my country than a merchant, you shall have mine; till then, you must excuse me. [Exit. Col. So much for trade-I'll fit you, too. [Aside, Sir Phi. In my opinion, this is very inhuman treatment, as to the lady, Mr Prim. Oba. Prim. Thy opinion and mine happen to differ as much as our occupations, friend; business requireth my presence, and folly thine; and so I must bid thee farewell. [Erit. Sir Phi. Here's breeding for you, Mr Feignwell! Gad take me, Half my estate I'd give to see them bit. Col. I hope to bite you all, if my plot hit. [Exeunt, SCENE I.-The Tavern. ACT III. SACKBUT and the Colonel, in an Egyptian dress. Sack. A lucky beginning, colonel-you have got the old beau's consent. Col. Ay, he's a reasonable creature; but the other three will require some pains.-Shall I pass upon him, think you? 'Egad, in my mind, I look as antique as if I had been preserved in the ark. Sack. Pass upon him! ay, ay, as roundly as white wine dash'd with sack does for mountain and sherry, if you have assurance enough Col. I have no apprehension from that quarter; assurance is the cockade of a soldier. Sack. Ay, but the assurance of a soldier differs much from that of a traveller.-Can you lie with a good grace? Col. As heartily, when my mistress is the prize, as I would meet the foe, when my country called, and king commanded; so don't you fear that part: if he don't know me again, I am safe —I hope he'll come. Sack. I wish all my debts would come as sure. I told him you had been a great traveller, had many valuable curiosities, and was a person of a most singular taste. He seemed transported, and begged me to keep you till he came. Col. Ay, ay; he need not fear my running away. Let's have a bottle of sack, landlord; our ancestors drank sack. Sack. You shall have it. Col. And whereabouts is the trap-door you mentioned? [Exit. Sack. There's the conveyance, sir. Col. Now, if I should cheat all these roguish guardians, and carry off my mistress in triumph, it would be what the French call a grand coup d'eclat-Odso! here comes Periwinkle.Ah! Deuce take this beard; pray Jupiter it does not give me the slip, and spoil all! Enter SACKBUT with wine, and PERIWINKLE following. Sack. Sir, this gentleman, hearing you have been a great traveller, and a person of fine speculation, begs leave to take a glass with you; he is a man of a curious taste himself. Col. The gentleman has it in his face and garb Sir, you are welcome. Per. Sir, I honour a traveller, and men of your inquiring disposition; the oddness of your habit pleases me exceedingly; 'tis very antique; and for that I like it. Col. 'Tis very antique, sir;—this habit once belonged to the famous Claudius Ptolemeus, who lived in the year one hundred and thirty-five. Sack. If he keeps up to the sample, he shall lie with the devil for a bean-stack, and win it, every straw. [Aside. Per. A hundred and thirty-five! why, that's prodigious, now!-Well, certainly 'tis the finest thing in the world to be a traveller. Col. For my part, I value none of the modern fashions a fig-leaf. Per. No more don't I, sir; I had rather be the jest of a fool, than his favourite.—I am laughed at here for my singularity-This coat, you must know, sir, was formerly worn by that ingenious and very learned person, Mr John Tradescant, of Lambeth. Col. John Tradescant! Let me embrace you, sir-John Tradescant was my uncle by my mother's side; and I thank you for the honour you do his memory; he was a very curious man, indeed. Per. Your uncle, sir!--Nay, then, 'tis no wonder that your taste is so refined; why, you have it in your blood.--My humble service to you, sir; to the immortal memory of John Tradescant, your never-to-be-forgotten uncle! Col. Give me a glass, landlord. [Drinks. Per. I find you are primitive, even in your wine; Canary was the drink of our wise forefathers; 'tis balsamic, and saves the charge of apothecaries' cordials-Oh, that I had lived in your uncle's days! or rather, that he were now alive!-Oh, how proud he'd be of such a nephew! Sack. Oh, pox! that would have spoil'd the jest. [Aside. Per. A person of your curiosity must have collected many rarities. Col. I have some, sir, which are not yet come ashore; as, an Egyptian idol. Per. Pray, what may that be? Col. It is, sir, a kind of ape, which they for merly worshipped in that country; I took it from the breast of a female mummy. idolatry to this day; for many an ape lies upon Per. Ha, ha! our women retain part of their a lady's bosom: ha, ha! Sack. A smart old thief. [Aside. |