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not beaten me this morning, I had never had you | apothecary, as I'm a physician; and, if you beaten into a physician.

please, I'll convey you to the patient. Gre. Oh, oh! then 'tis to you I owe all that Lean. If I did but know a few physical hard drubbing?

wordsDor. Yes, my dear; though I little dreamt of Gre. A few physical hard words! Why, in a the consequence.

few hard words consists the science. Would you Gre. How infinitely I'm obliged to thee! But know as much as the whole faculty in an instant, hush!

sir? Come along; coine along! Hold; the docEnter HELLEBORE. tor must always go before the apothecary.

Ereunt. Hel. Are not you the great doctor just come to this town, so fainous for curing dumbness?

SCENE III.- Sir Jasper's house, Gre, Sir, I am he.

Hel. Then, sir, I should be glad of your ad- Enter Sir Jasper, CHARLOTTE, and Maid. vice. Gre. Let me feel your pulse.

Sir Jas. Has she made no attempt to speak, Hel. Not for myself, good doctor; I am, my- yet? self, sir, a brother of the faculty, what the world Maid. Not in the least, sir; so far from it, calls a mad doctor. I have at present under my that, as she used to make a sort of noise before, care a patient, whom I can by no means prerail she is now quite silent. with to speak.

Sir Jas. (Looking on his watch.]—'Tis almost Gre. I shall make him speak, sir.

the time the doctor promised to return-Oh, he Hel. It will add, sir, to the great reputation is here! Doctor, your servant. you have already acquired; and I am happy in finding you.

Enter GREGORY and LEANDER. Gre. Sir, I am as happy in finding you.—[Taking him aside.}-You see that woman, there? Gre. Well sir, how does my patient? she is possessed with a most strange sort of mad- Sir Jas. Rather worse, sir, since your prescripness, and imagines every man she sees to be her, tion. husband. Now, sir, if you will but admit her in- Gre. So much the better; 'tis a sign that it to your house

operates. Hel. Most willingly, sir.'

Sir Jus. Who is that gentleman, pray, with Gre. The first thing, sir, you are to do, is to you? let out thirty ounces of her blood : then, sir, you Gre. An apothecary, sir. Mr Apothecary, I are to shave off all her hair; all her hair, sir : af- desire you would immediately apply that song I ter which, you are to make a very severe use of prescribed. your rod, twice a-day; and take a particular care Sir Jas. A song, doctor! Prescribe a song? that she have not the least allowance beyond Gre, Prescribe a song, sir! Yes, sir; prescribe bread and water.

a song, sir. Is there any thing so strange in Hel. Sir, I shall readily agree to the dictates that? Did you never hear of pills to purge meof so great a man; nor can I help approving oil lancholy? If you understand these things better your method, which is exceeding mild and whole than I, why did you send for me? 'Sbud, sir, this some.

song would make a stone speak. But, if you Gre. [To his wife.]—My dear, that gentleman please, sir, you and I will confer at some diswill conduct you to my lodgings. Sir, I beg you cance, during the application; for this song will will take a particular care of the lady.

do you as much harm as it will do your daughter Hel. You may depend on't, sir; nothing iri my good. Be sure, Mr Apothecary, to pour it down power shall be wanting ; you have only to iui- her ears very closely. quire for Dr Hellebore. Dor. "Twont be long before I see you, hus

AIR. band ?

Lean. Thus, lovely patient, Charlotte sees Hel. Husband! This is as unaccountable a

Her dying patient kneel; madness as any I have yet met with!

Soon cured will be your feigned dis[Exit Hel. with Dor.


But what physician e'er can ease

The torinents which I feel?

Think, charming nymph, while I comGre. I think I shall be revenged on you now,

plain, my dear. So, sir.

Ah, think what I endure ! Lean. I think I make a pretty good apotheca

All other remedies are vain; ry, now.

The lovely cause of all my pain Gre. Yes, faith; you're almost as good an

Can only cause my cure.



Gre. It is, sir, a great and subtle question Gre. That's impossible, sir. All that I can do among the doctors, Whether women are more to serve you is, I can make you deaf, if you easy to be cured than men? I beg you would at- please. tend to this, sir, if you please-Some say, No; Sir Jas. And do


thinkothers say, Yes; and, for my part, I say both Yes Char. All your reasoning shall never conquer and No; forasmuch as the incongruity of the my resolution. opaque humours that meet in the natural temper Sir Jas. You shall marry Mr Dapper this evenof women, are the cause that the brutal part will ing. always prevail over the sensible One sees Char. I'll be buried first. that the inequality of their opinions depends Gre. Stay, sir, stay! let me regulate this afupon the black movement of the circle of the fair; it is a distemper that possesses her, and I moon; and as the sun, that darts his rays upon kuow what remedy to apply to it. the concavity of the earth, finds

Sir Jas. Is it possible, sir, that you can cure Char. No, I am not at all capable of changing the distempers of the mind? my opinion.

Gre. Sir, I can cure any thing. Hark ye, Mr Sir Jas. My daughter speaks! my daughter Apothecary! you see that the love she has for Lespeaks! Oh, the great power of physic! Oh, the ander is entirely contrary to the will of her faadmirable physician ! How can I reward thee ther, and that there is no time to lose, and that for such a service!

an immediate remedy is necessary. For my part, Gre. This distemper has given me a most in- I know of but one, which is a dose of purgative sufferable deal of trouble !

running-away, mixt with two drams of pills ma[Traversing the stage in a great heat, the trimoniac, and three large handfuls of the arbor apothecury follou ing.]

vitæ : perhaps she will make some difficulty to Char. Yes, sir, I have recovered my speech; take them; but as you are an able apothecary, but I have recovered it to tell you, that I never I shall trust to you for the success. Go, make will have any husband but Leander.

her walk in the garden; be sure lose no time: [Speaks with great eugerness, and drives SIR to the remedy quick; to the remedy specific ! JASPER round the stage.

[Ereunt LEANDER and CHARLOTTE. Sir Jas. But

Sir Jas. What drugs, sir, were those I heard Char. Nothing is capable to shake the resolu- you mention, for I don't remember I ever heard tion I have taken.

them spoke of before? Sir Jas. What!

Gre. They are some, sir, lately discovered by Char. Your rhetoric is in vain; all your dis- the Royal Society. courses signify nothing.

Sir Jas. Did you ever see any thing equal to Sir Jas. I

her insolence? Char. I am determined ; and all the fathers Gre. Daughters are indeed sometimes a little in the world shall never oblige me to marry con- too headstrong. trary to my inclinations.

Sir Jus. You cannot imagine, sir, how foolishly Sir Jas. I have

fond she is of that Leander. Char. I never will submit to this tyranny; and Gre. The heat of blood, sir, causes that in if I must not have the man I like, I'll die a young minds. maid.

Sir Jus. For my part, the moment I discoverSir Jas. You shall have Mr Dapper

ed the violence of her passion, I have always Chur. No—not in any manner-not in the kept her locked up. least-not at all! You throw away your breath; Gre. You have done very wisely: you lose

time :

: you may contine me, beat Sir Jas. And I have prevented them from havme, bruise me, destroy me, kill me; do what you ing the least communication together : for who will, use me as you will; but I never will consent; knows what might have been the consequence? nor all your threats, nor all your blows, nor all Who knows but she might have taken it into her your ill-usage, never shall force me to consent. head to have run away with him? So far from giving him my heart, I never will Gre. Very true. give him my hand : for he is my aversion; I Sir Jas. Ay, sir, let me alone for governing hate the very sight of him; I had rather see the girls; I think I have some reason to be vain on devil! I had rather touch a toad ! you may make that head; I think I have shewn the world that me miserable another way; but with him you I understand a little of women, I think I have : shan't, that I'm resolved !

and, let me tell you, sir, there is not a little art Gre. There, sir, there! I think we have required. If this girl had had some fathers, they brought her tongue to a pretty tolerable consist- had not kept her out of the hands of so vigilant a ency.

Tover, as I have done. Sir Jas. Consistency, quotha! why, there is Gre. No, certainly, sir. no stopping her tongue- -Dear doctor, I desire you would make her duinb again.


Enter Dorcas.

will receive her, sir, only at your hands- I

have received letters, by which I have learnt the Dor. Where is this villain, this rogue, this pre-death of an uncle, whose estate far exceeds that tended physician?

of your intended son-in-law. Sir Jas. Heyday! What, what, what's the mat- Sir Jas. Sir, your virtue is beyond all estates; ter now?

and I give you my daughter with all the pleasure Dor. Ob, sirrah, sirrah! Would you have de in the world. stroved your wife, you villain? Would you have Lean. Now my fortune makes me happy inbeen guilty of murder, dog?

deed, my dearest Charlotte !--And, doctor, I'll Gre. Hoity toity! What madwoman is this? make thy fortune, too.

Sir Jas. Poor wretch! For pity's sake, cure Gre. If you would be so kind to make me ber, doctor.

a physician in earnest, I should desire no other Gre. Sir, I shall not cure her, unless some fortune. body gives me a feeIf you will give me a Lean. Faith, doctor, I wish I could do that, in fee, sir Jasper, you shall see me cure her this return for your having made me an apothecary; instant,

but I'll do as well for thee, I warrant. Dor. I'll fee you, you villain

-cure me!

Dor. So, so ! our physician, I find, has brought

about fine matters. "And is it not owing to me, AIR.

sirrah, that you have been a physician at all?

Sir Jas. May I beg to know whether you are a If you hope, by your skill

physician or not-or what the devil you are? To give Dorcas a pill,

Gre. I think, sir, after the miraculous cure You are not a deep politician:

you have seen me perform, you have no reason Could wives but be brought

to ask whether I am a physician or no-And for To swallow the draught,

you, wife, I'll henceforth have

you behave with Each husband would be a physician. all deference to my greatness.

Dor. Why, thou puffed up fool, I could have Enter James.

made as good a physician myself; the cure was James. O sir, undone, undone! Your daughter owing to the apothecary, not the doctor. is ruu away with her lover Leander, who was here disguised like an apothecary—and this is AIR.- We've cheated the Parson, &c, the rogue of a physician who has contrived all the affair.

When tender young virgins look pale, and comSir Jas. How! am I abused in this manner? plain, Here! who is there? Bid my clerk bring pen, You may send for a dozen great doctors in vain : ink, and paper; I'll send this fellow to jail im- All give their opinion, and pocket their fees; mediately.

Each writes her a cure, though all miss her disJames. Indeed, my good doctor, you stand a ease ; very fair chance to be hanged for stealing an

Powders, drops, beiress.

Julaps, slops, Gre. Yes, indeed, I believe I shall take my A cargo of poison from physical shops. degrees now,

Though they physic to death the unhappy poor Dor. And are they going to hang you, my

maid, dear husband?

What's that to the doctor since he must be Gre. You see, my dear wife.

paid? Dor. Had you finished the faggots, it had been Would you know how you may manage her some consolation.


Our doctor has brought you a nostrum to-night, Enter LEANDER and CHARLOTTE,

Can never vary, Lean. Behold, sir, that Leander, whom you

Nor miscarry, had forbid your house, restores your daughter If the lover be but the apothecary. to your power, even when he had her in his. I

Chorus.-Can never vary, &c.






WOMEN. CHRONON HOTONTHOLogos, king of Queerumma- FADLADINIDA, queen of Queerummunio. nia.

TATLANTHE, her favourite. BOMBARDINIAN, his general.

Two ladies of the court. ALDI BORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO,

Two ladies of pleasure. RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS.

Venus. Captain of the guards.


Guards and attendants, &c.
King of the fiddlers.
King of the Antipodes.






SCENE I.-An anti-chamber in the palace. Tell me, ye gods! what mortal man's awake?

What says my friend to this? Enter RigduM-FUNNIDOS and ALDI BORONTI

Rig-Fun. Say! I say he sleeps dog-sleep:

What a plague would you have me say? Rig-Fun. Aldiborontiphoscophornio !

Aldi. O impious thought! O cursed insinuaWhere left you Chrononhotonthologos ?

tion ! Aldi. Fatigued with the tremendous toils of As if great Chrononhotonthologos, war,

To animals detestable and vile, Within his tent, on downy couch succumbent, Had aught the least similitude ! Himself he unfatigues with gentle slumbers : Rig-Fun. My dear friend, you entirely misLulled by the cheerful trumpets' gladsome clan- apprehend me: I did not call the king dog by gour,

craft; I was only going to tell you, that the sol. The noise of drums, and thunder of artillery, diers have just now received their pay, and are He sleeps supine amidst the din of war:

all as drunk as so many swabbers. And yet, 'tis not definitively sleep;

Aldi. Give orders instantly, that no more moRather a'kind of doze, a waking slumber,

ney That sheds a stupefaction o'er bis senses : Be issued to the troops : Mean time, my friend, For now he nods and snores; anon he starts; Let the baths be filled with seas of coffee, Then nods and snores again : If this be sleep, To stupefy their souls into sobriety.


Rig-Fun. I fancy you had better banish the The flat scene draws. The king is seated, sutlers, and blow the Geneva casks to the devil.

and a grund pantomime entertainment Aldi. Thou counsellest well, my Rigdum-Fun

is performed, in the midst of which, ennidos,

ters a captain of the guard. And reason seems to father thy advice :

Capt. To arms! to arins ! great ChrononhoBut, soft !—The king, in pensive contemplation, tonthologos ! Seeins to resolve on some important doubt; The Antipodean powers, from realms below, His soul, too copious for his earthly fabric, Have burst the solid entrails of the earth; Starts forth, spontaneous, in soliloquy,

Gushing such cataracts of forces forth, And makes his tongue the midwife of bis mind. This world is too incopious to contain them: Let us retire, lest we disturb his solitude. Armies on armies march, io form stupendous;

[They retire. Not like our earthly regions, rank by rank,

But teer o'er teer, high piled from earth to heaEnter King.


A blazing bullet, bigger than the sun, hing. This god of sleep is watchful to torment Shot from a huge and monstrous culverin, me,

Has laid your royal citadel in ashes. And rest is grown a stranger to my eyes:

King. Peace, coward ! were they wedged like Sport not with Chrononhotonthologos,

golden ingots, Thou idle slumberer, thou detested Somnus : Or pent so close, as to admit no vacuum, For, if thou dost, by all the waking powers,

One look from Chrononbotonthologos
I'll tear thine eye-balls from their leaden-sockets, Shall scare them into nothing. Rigdum-Funni-
And force thee to out-stare eternity !

[Exit in a huff. Bid Bombardinian draw his legions forth,

And meet us in the plains of Queerummania.
Re-enter Rigdum and ALDI BORONTI. This very now ourselves shall there conjoin him :

Mean time, bid all the priests prepare their temRig. The king is in a most cursed passion!

ples Pray, who the devil is this Mr Somnus, he's so For rites of triumph : Let the singing singers,

With vocal voices, most vociferous, Aldi. The son of Chaos and of Erebus, In sweet vociferation, out-vociferize Ince-tuous pair! brother of Mors relentless, Even sound itself. So be it as we have ordered. Whose speckled robe, and wings of blackest hue,

[Ereunt. Astonish all mankind with hideous glare; Himself with sable plumes, to men benevolent, Brings downy slumbers, and refreshing sleep.

SCENE II.-A magnificent apartment. Rig. This gentleman may coine of a very good family, for aught I know; but I would not be in Enter Queen, TATLANTHE, and two ladies. his place for the world. Åldi. But, lo! the king, his footsteps this way Queen. Day's curtain's drawn, the inorn begins bending,

to rise, His cogitative faculties immersed

And waking nature rubs her sleepy eves : In con bundity of cogitation :

The pretty little fleecy bleating flocks Let silence close our folding-doors of speech, In baa's harmonious warble through the rocks : 'Till apt attention tell our heart the purport Night gathers up her shades, in sable shrouds, Of this profound profundity of thought.

And whispering oziers tattle to the clouds.

What think you, ladies, if an hour we kill, Re-enter King, Nobles, and Attendants, &c. At basset, ombre, picquet, or quadrille?

Tut. Your majesty was pleased to order tea. King. It is resolved- Now, Somnus, I defy Queen. My mind is altered; bring some ratifia. thee,

(They are served round with a dram.
And from mankind ampute thy cursed dominion. I lave a famous fiddler sent froin France.
These royal eyes thou never more shalt close. Bid him come in. What think ye of a dance?
Henceforth, let no man sleep, on pain of death :
Instead of sleep, let pompous pageantry

Enter Fiddler,
Keep all mankind eternally awake.
Bid Harlequino decorate the stage

Fid. Thus to your majesty, says the suppliant With all magnificence of decoration :

Giants and giantesses, dwarfs and pygmies, Would you a solo or sonata chuse?
Songs, dances, music in its amplest order, Or bold concerto, or soft Siciliana,
Mimes, pantomimes, and all the mimic motion Alla Francese overo in gusto Romano?
Of scene deceptiovisive and sublime.

When you command, 'tis donc as soon as spoke.

angry withal?

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