Зображення сторінки


Let. She is very bad now indeed.

Col. If you love force, I'll shew you the way, Mrs High. However, if you are not more mise you dogs!

[Colonel drives them off

. chievous than you at present seem, I think it is Good. I find J am distracted; I am stark rawrong in them to confine you in a madhouse. ving mad. I am undone, rnined, cheated, impo

Good. Confine me! ha, ha, ha! This is turn- sed on! but, please Heaven, I'll go see what's ia ing the tables upon me indeed! But, Mrs High- my house. man, I would not have

be uneasy


your Col. Hold, sir, you must not enter here ! house is sold; at least, it is better for you that Good. Not enter into my own house, sir ! my son hath bought it than another; for you Col. No, sir, if it be yours, you must not come shall have an apartment in it still, in the same within it. manner as if it was still your own, and you were Good. Gentlemen, I only beg to speak with in your senses.

the master of the house. Mrs High. What's all this? As if I was still Col. Sir, the master of the house desires to in my senses ! Let me tell you, Mr Goodall, you speak with no such fellows as you are; you are are a poor, distracted wretch, and ought to have not fit company for any of the gentlemen in this an apartment in a dark room, and clean straw. house.

Good. Since you come to that, madam, I shall Good. Sir, the master of this house is my son. not let you into my doors; and I give you warn- Col. Sir, your most obedient humble servant; ing to take away your things, for I shall fill all I am overjoyed to see you returned. Give me the rooms with goods within these few days. leave, sir, to introduce you to this gentleman. Enter Slap, Constable, and Assistants.

Good. Sir, your most obedient humble serSlap. That's the door, Mr Constable. Let. What's to be done now, I wonder ?

Col. Give me leave to tell you, sir, you have Con. Open the door, in the king's name, or I the honour of being father to one of the finest shall break it open.

gentlemen of the age : a man so accomplished, Good. Who are you, sir, in the devil's name? so well-bred, and so generous, that I believe he and what do you want in that house?

never would part with a guest while he had a Slap. Sir, I have a prisoner there, and I have shilling in his pocket, nor, indeed, while he could

borrow one. my lord chief justice's warrant against him. Good. For what sum, sir? Are you a justice can't wonder if I am impatient to see him.

Good. I believe it, indeed, sir; therefore, you of the peace? Slap: I am one of bis majesty's officers, sir;

Col. Be not in such haste, dear sir; I want to and this day I arrested one Mr Valentine Good talk with you about your affairs; I hope you have all, who lives in this house, for two hundred had good success in the Indies, have cheated the pounds; his servants have rescued him, and I company handsomely, and made an immense forhave a judge's warrant for the rescue.

tune? Good. What do I hear! But hark'e, friend,

Good. I have no reason to complain. that house that you are going to break open, is

Col. I am glad on't-give me your hand, sir; haunted; and there is no one in it but a couple and so will your son, I dare swear; and let me

tell of priests, who are laying the devil.

you, it will be very opportune; he began to Slap. I warrant you I lay the devil better than want it. You can't imagine, sir, what a fine life all the priests in Europe. Come, Mr Constable, he has led since you went away—it would do do your office, I have no time to lose, sir; I have your heart good if you was but to know what an several other writs to execute before night.

equipage he has kept; what balls and entertainLet. I have defended my pass as long as I can,

inents he has made; he is the talk of the whole and now I think it is no cowardice to steal off.

town, sir; a man would work with pleasure for [Erit.

such a son; he is a fellow with a soul, damo me!

Your fortune won't be thrown away upon him; Enter COLONEL BLUFF, and LORD PUFF.

for, get as much as you please, my life, he spends Col. What, in the devil's name, is the meaning every farthing ! of this riot? What is the reason, scoundrels, that Good. Pray, gentlemen, let me see this mirayou dare disturb gentleinen, who are getting as cle of a son of mine. drunk as lords?

Col. That you should, sir, long ago; but, realSlap. Sit we have authority for what we do. ly, sir, the house is a little out of order at pre

Col. Damn your authority, sir! if you don't sent; there is but one room furnished in it, and go about your business, I shall shew you my au- that is so full of company, that I am afraid there thority, and send you all to the devil.

would be a small 'deficiency of chairs. You Slap. Sir, I desire you would give us leave to can't imagine, sir, how opportune you are come; enter the house, and seize our prisoner.

there was not any one thing left in the house to Col. Not I, upon my honour, sir.

raise any money upon. Slap. If you oppose us any longer, I shall pro- Good. What, all my pi'tures gone? eeed to force.

Cot. He suld them first, sir; he was obliged VOL III.



to sell them for the delicacy of his taste: henics for the future. Come, gentlemen, let us to certainly is the modestest young fellow in the the opera. I see if a man hath not good blood worid, and has complained to me a hundred in his veins, riches won't teach him to behave times, drunk and sober

like a gentleman. Good. Drunk, sir! what, does my son get

[Erit LORD PUFF. drunk?

Good. 'Sbodlikins ! I am in a rage! That ever Col. Oh, yes, sir; regularly, twice a day. He a fellow should upbraid me with good blood in has complained of the indecent liberty painters his veins, when, odsheart! the best blood in his take in exposing the breasts and limbs of wo- veins hath run through my bottles. Come, sir, men; you had, indeed, sir, a very scandalous col- follow your companions ; for I am determined lection, and he was never easy while they were to turn you out directly. in the house.


Char. Then, sir, I am determined to go with him. Val. My father returned ! oh, let me throw Be comforted, Valentine; I have some fortune myself at his feet! and believe me, sir, I am at which my aunt cannot prevent me from, and it once overjoyed, and ashamed, to see your face. will make us happy, for a while at least; and I

Col. I told you, sir, he was one of the modesto prefer a year, a month, a day, with the man I est young fellows in England.

love, to a whole stupid age without him. Good You inay very well be ashamed; but [As VALENTINE and CHARLOTTE are gocome, let me see the inside of my house; let me

ing, they are met by Mrs Highman see that both sides of my walls are standing.

and LETTICE. Val, Sir, I have a great deal of company with- Mrs High. What do I see! my niece in the in, of the first fashion, and beg you would not very arms of her betrayer! expose me before them.

Let. I humbly ask pardon of you both--but Good. Oh, sir! I am their very humble ser- my master was so heartily in love with your vant; I am intinitely obliged to all the persons niece, and she so heartily in love with my masof fashion, that they will so generously con- ter, that I was determined to leave no stone undescend to eat a poor citizen out of house and turned to bring them together. home.

Good. Eh! Egad, I like her generous passion Col. Hark'e, Val? shall we toss this old fel- for my son so much, that if you, madam, will low in a blanket?

give her a fortune equal to what I shall settle on Val. Sir, I trust in your good nature and for him, I shall not prevent their happiness. givenness; and will wait on you in.

Mrs High. Won't you? Then I shall do all Good. Oh, that ever I should live to see this in my power to make it a match. day!


Let. And so, sir, you take no notice of poor

Lettice? but, statesman like, your own turn serSCENE II.-A dining room.

ved, forget your friends ? LORD Puff, und several gentlemen and ladies

SONG. discovered at table.

Let. That statesmen oft their friends forget,

Their ends obtained, is clear, sir; Enter GOODALL and VALENTINE.

So, I'm forgot, your place I'll quit, Val. Gentleinen, my father being just arrived

And seek a service here, sir. from the Indies, desires to make one of this good company.

I'll prove my love in every sense, Good. My good lords, (that I may affront none

Be dutiful, observant, hy calling him beneath his title) I am highly So drop in here a few nights hence, sensible of the great honour you do myself and

And hire your humble servant. my son, by filling my poor house with your noble persons, and your noble persons with my poor wine and provisions.

She'll prove her love in every sense, Lord Puff. Sir ! Rat me! I would have you

Be dutiful, observant, know, I think I do you too much honour in en- So drop in here a few nights hence, tering into your doors. But I am glad you have

And hire your huinble servant. taught me at what distance to keep such mecha

[Exeunt omnes:




[blocks in formation]
[ocr errors]

SCENE I.-A wood.

Gre. Ay, hussy, a regular education : first at

the charity-school, where I learnt to read; then Dorcas, GREGORY.

I waited on a gentleman at Oxford, where I Gre. I tell you, No, I won't comply; and it learnt—very near as much as my master; from is my business to talk, and to command.

whence I attended a travelling physician six years, Dor. And I tell you, You shall conform to my under the facetious denomination of a Merry will; and that I was not married to you, to suf- Andrew, where I learnt physic. fer your ill-humours.

Dor. O that thou had'st followed him still! Gre. O the intolerable fatigue of matrimony! Cursed be the hour, wherein 1 answered the parAristotle never said a better thing in his life, than when he told us, “That a wife was worse Gre. And cursed be the parson that asked thee than a devil.'

the question ! Dor. Hear the learned gentleman with his Dor. You have reason to complain of him inAristotle !

deed—who ought to be on your knees every moGreg. And a learned man I am, too : find me ment, returning thanks to Heaven, for that great ont a maker of faggots that's able, like myself, to blessing it sent you, when it sent you myself.-I reason upon things, or that can boast such an hope you have not the assurance to think you education as mine.

deserv'd such a wife as me? Dor, An education !

Gre. No, really, I don't think I do.

son, I will.

Dorcas sings.

AIR.- Winchester Wedding.

[ocr errors]

When a lady, like me, condescends to agree, Go thrash your own rib, sir, at home,
To let such a jackanapes taste her,

Nor thus interfere with our strife; With what zeal and care, should he worship the May cuckoldom still be his dooin, fair,

W bo strives to part husband and wife! Who gives him what's meat for his master? Suppose I've a mind he should drub, His actions should still

Whose bones are they, sir, he's to lick?
Attend on her will:-

At whose expence is it, you scrub?
Hear, sirrah, and take it for warning; You are not to find him a stick.

To her he should be
Each night on his knee,

Rob. Neighbour, I ask your pardon heartily;
And so he should be on each morning. here, take and thrash your wife; beat her as you

ought to do. Gre. Meat for my master! you were meat Gre. No, sir, I won't beat her. for your master, if I an't mistaken. Come, come, Rob. () sir, that's another thing. Madam, it was a lucky day for you, when you Gre. I'll beat her when I please, and will not found me out.

beat her when I do not please. She is my wife, Dor. Lucky, indeed! a fellow, who eats every and not yours. thing I have!

Rob. Certainly Gre. That happens to be a mistake, for I drink Dor. Give me the stick, dear husband. some part on't.

Rob. Well, if ever I attempt to part husband Dor. That has not even left me a bed to lie and wife again, may I be beaten myself! on !

[Erit Ros. Gre. You'll rise the earlier.

Gre. Come, my dear, let us be friends. Dor. And who, from morning till night, is Dor. What, after beating me so ? eternally in an aléhouse!

Gre. 'Twas but in jest. Gre. It's genteel; the squire does the same. Dor. I desire you will crack your jests on

Dor Pray, sir, what are you willing I shall do your own bones, not on mine. with my family?

Gre. Pshaw! you know you and I are one, Gre. Whatever you please.

and I beat one half of myself when I beat you. Dor. My four little children, that are continu- Dor. Yes, but for the future I desire you will ally crying for bread?

beat the other half of yourselt. Gre. Give 'em a rod! best cure in the world Gre. Come, my pretty dear, I ask pardon; for crying children.

I'm sorry for't. Dor. And do you imagine, sot

Dor. For once I pardon you—but you shall Gre. Hark ye, my dear, you know my temper pay for it.

[Aside. is not over and above passive, and that my arm Gre. Psha! psha! child, these are only little is extremely active.

affairs, necessary in friendship ; four or five Dor. I laugh at your ihreats, poor, beggarly, good blows with a cudgel between your very insolent fellow !

fond couples, only tend to heighten the affecGre. Soft object of my wishing eyes, I shall |tions. I'll now to the wood, and I promise thee to play with your pretty ears.

make a hundred faggots before I come home Dor. Touch me if you dare, you insolent, im- again.

[Erit. pudent, dirty, lazy, rascally

Dor. If I am not revenged on those blows of Gre. Oh, ho, ho ! you will have it then, I find yours !-Oh, that I could but think of some me

[Beats her. thod to be revenged on him! Hang the rogue, Dor. O murder, murder!

he's quite insensible of cuckoldom ! Enter Squire Robert.

AIR.-Oh London is a fine town. Rob. What's the matter here? I'y upon you, fy upon you, neighbour, to beat your wife in this In ancient days, I've heard, with horns scandalous manner!

The wife her spouse could fright, Dor. Well, sir, and if I have a mind to be Which now the hero bravely scorns, beat, and what then?

So common is the sight. Rob. O dear, madam, I give my consent with To city, country, camp, or court, all my beart and soul.

Or wheresoe'er he go, Dór. What's that to you, saucebox? Is it any No horned brother dares make sport; business of yours?

They're cuckolds all a-row. Rob. No, certainly, madam !

Dor. Here's an impertinent fellow for you, Oh that I could find out some invention to get won't suffer a husband to beat his own wife! him well drubbed !


[ocr errors]

Enter HARRY and JAMES.

before he will own himself to be a physician

--and I'll give you my word, you'll never make Har. Were ever two fools sent on such a mes him own hiinself one, unless you both take a sage as we are, in quest of a dumb doctor!

good cudgel and thrash him into it; 'tis what James. Blame your own cursed memory, that we are all forced to do when we have any need made you forget his name. For my part, I'll of hiin. travel through the world rather than return James. What a ridiculous whim is here ! without him; that were as much as a limb or Dor. Very true; and in so great a man. two were worth.

James. And is he so very skilful a man? Har. Was ever such a cursed misfortune, to Dor. Skilful-why he does miracles. About lose the letter! I should not even know his half a year ago, a woman was given over by all naine if I were to hear it.

her physicians, nay, she had been dead some Dor. Can I find no invention to be revenged! time; when this great man came to her, as soon -Heyday! who are these?

as he saw her, he poured out a little drop of James. Hark ye, mistress, do you know where something down her throat he had no soon

-where where doctor-What-d'ye-call-him er done it, than she got out of her bed, and walklives?

ed about the room as if there had been nothing Dor. Doctor who?

the matter with her. James. Doctor- -doctor-what's his Both. O, prodigious ! name?

Dor. 'Tis not above three weeks ago, that a Dor. Hey! what, has the fellow a mind to banter child of twelve years old fell from the top of a me?

house to the bottom, and broke its skull, its Har. Is there no physician hereabouts famous arms, and legs.-Our physician was no sooner for curing dumbness?

drubbed into making him a visit, than, having Dor. I fancy you have no need of such a phy- rubbed the child all over with a certain ointsician, Mr Impertinence.

ment, it got upon its legs, and run away to Har. Don't mistake us, good woman, we don't play. mean to banter you : we are sent by our mas- Both, Oh most wonderful ! ter, whose daughter has lost her speech, for a Har. Hey! Gad, James, we'll drub him out certain physician who lives hereabouts; we have of a pot of this ointment. lost our direction, and 'uis as much as our lives James. But can be cure dumbness? are worth to return without him.

Dor. Dumbness ! Why the curate of our paDor. There is one Dr Lazy lives just by, but rish's wife was born dumb; and the doctor, with he has left off practising. You would not get a sort of wash, washed her tongue, that he set it ahim a mile to save the lives of a thousand going so, that in less than a month's time she outpatients.

talked her husband. Jumes. Direct us but to him; we'll bring him Har. This must be the very man we were sent with us one way or other, I warrant you.

after. Har. Ay, ay, we'll have him with us, though Dor. Yonder is the very man I speak of. we carry him on our backs.

James. What! that he yonder?
Dor. Haz! Heaven has inspired me with one Dor. The very same.

He has spied us, of the most admirable inventions to be revenged and taken up his bill. on my hangdog -|Aside. I assure you, if you James. Come, larry, don't let us lose one can get him with you, he'll do your young lady's moment.—Mistress, your servant; we give you business for her ; he's reckoned one of the ten thousand thanks for this favour. best physicians in the world, especially for dumb- Dor. Be sure you make good use of your

sticks. Har. Pray tell us where he lives?

James. He shan't want that. [Ereunt. Dor. You'll never be able to get him out of his own house; but if you watch hereabouts, SCENE II.-Another part of the wood. you'll certainly meet with him, for he very often amuses himself here with cutting wood.

GREGORY discovered sitting on the ground, with Har. A physician cut wood!

faggots about him. Jumes. I suppose he amuses himself in search- Gre. Pox on't! 'tis most confounded hot ing after herbs, you mean?

weather! Hey, who have we here? Dor. No; he's one of the most extraordinary men in the world : he goes drest like a common

Enter James and HARRY. clown; for there is nothing he so much dreads James. Sir, your most obedient humble ser as to be known for a physician.

James. All your great 'men have some strange Gre. Sir, your servant. oddities about them.

James. We are mighty happy in finding you Dor. Why, he will suffer himself to be beat here




« НазадПродовжити »