me

Let. No, sir, but

Good. But! but what? Hath any one robbed in my absence?

Let. No, sir; not absolutely robbed you, sir. What shall I say?[Aside.

Good. Explain yourself: speak.

Let. Oh, sir! I can withhold my tears no longer- -Enter not, I beseech you, sir, your house-Sir, your dear house, that you and I, and my poor master loved so much, within these six months

Good. What of my house within these six months

Let. Hath been haunted, sir, with the most terrible apparitions that were ever heard or beheld! you'd think the devil himself had taken possession of it: nay, I believe he hath too: all the wild noises in the universe, the squeaking of pigs, the grinding of knives, the whetting of saws, the whistling of winds, the roaring of seas, the hooting of owls, the howling of wolves, the braying of asses, the squalling of children, and the scolding of wives, all put together, make not so hideous a concert. This I myself have heard; nay, and I have seen such sights! one with about twenty heads, and a hundred eyes, and mouths, and noses in each.

Good. Heyday! the wench is mad! Stand from before the door! I'll see whether the devil can keep me out from my own house. Haunted, indeed!

Let. Sir, I have a friendship for you, and you shall not go in.

Good. How? not go into my own house?

Let. No, sir, not till the devil is driven out on't; there are two priests at work upon him now. Hark, I think the devils are dancing a Fandango. Nay, sir, you may listen yourself, and get in too, if you can.

Good. Ha! by all that's gracious, I hear a noise! [Laughing within.] What monstrous squalling is that?

Good. Can all this be true, or are you imposing on me? I have indeed heard of such things as apparitions, on just causes, and believe in them; but why they should haunt my house, I can't imagine.

Let. Why, sir, they tell me, before you bought the house, there was a pedlar killed in it.

Good. A pedlar! I must inquire into all these things. But, in the mean time, I must send this portmanteau to my son's new house.

Let. No, sir, that's a little improper at pre

sent.

Good. What, is that house haunted? Hath the devil taken possession of that house, too?

Let. No, sir; but Madam Highman hath not yet quitted possession of it. I told you before, sir, that she was out of her senses; and if any one does but mention the sale of her house to her, it throws her into the most violent convulsions. Good. Well, well; I shall know how to humour her madness.

Let. I wish, sir, for a day or two

Good. You throw me out of all manner of patience. I am resolved I will go thither this instant.

Let. Here she is herself; but pray remember the condition she is in, and don't do any thing to chagrin her.

Enter MRS HIGHMAN.

Mrs High. What do I see! Mr Goodall returned?

Let. Yes, madam, it is him; but, alas! he's not himself-he's distracted; his losses in his voyage have turned his brain, and he is become a downright lunatic.

Mrs High. I ain heartily concerned for his misfortune. Poor gentleman!

Let. If he should speak to you by chance, have no regard to what he says; we are going to shut him up in a madhouse with all expedition.

Mrs High. [Aside.] He hath a strange wandering in his countenance.

Good. [Aside.] How miserably she is altered! She hath a terrible look with her

eyes.

Mrs High. Mr Goodall, your very humble servant. I am glad to see you returned, though I am sorry for your misfortune.

Good. I must have patience, and trust in Heaven, and in the power of the priests, who are now endeavouring to lay these wicked spirits, with which my house is haunted; but give me leave to ask you the cause of your phrenzy; for I much question whether this commission of lunacy that has been taken out against you, be not without sufficient proof.

Mrs High. A commission of lunacy against me! me!

Good. Lettice, I see she is worse than I ima

Let. She is very bad now indeed.

Mrs High. However, if you are not more mischievous than you at present seem, I think it is wrong in them to confine you in a madhouse.

Good. Confine me! ha, ha, ha! This is turning the tables upon me indeed! But, Mrs Highman, I would not have you be uneasy that your house is sold; at least, it is better for you that my son hath bought it than another; for you shall have an apartment in it still, in the same manner as if it was still your own, and you were in your senses.

Mrs High. What's all this? As if I was still in my senses! Let me tell you, Mr Goodall, you are a poor, distracted wretch, and ought to have an apartment in a dark room, and clean straw.

Good. Since you come to that, madam, I shall not let you into my doors; and I give you warning to take away your things, for I shall fill all the rooms with goods within these few days.

Enter SLAP, Constable, and Assistants. Slap. That's the door, Mr Constable. Let. What's to be done now, I wonder? Con. Open the door, in the king's name, or I shall break it open.

Good. Who are you, sir, in the devil's name? and what do you want in that house? Slap. Sir, I have a prisoner there, and I have my lord chief justice's warrant against him.

Good. For what sum, sir? Are you a justice of the peace?

Col. If you love force, I'll shew you the way, you dogs! [COLONEL drives them off. Good. I find J am distracted; I am stark raving mad. I am undone, rnined, cheated, imposed on! but, please Heaven, I'll go see what's in my house.

Col. Hold, sir, you must not enter here! Good. Not enter into my own house, sir! Col. No, sir, if it be yours, you must not come within it.

Good. Gentlemen, I only beg to speak with the master of the house.

Col. Sir, the master of the house desires to speak with no such fellows as you are; you are not fit company for any of the gentlemen in this house.

Good. Sir, the master of this house is my son. Col. Sir, your most obedient humble servant; I am overjoyed to see you returned. Give me leave, sir, to introduce you to this gentleman.

Good. Sir, your most obedient humble ser

can't wonder if I am impatient to see him. Good. I believe it, indeed, sir; therefore, you

Col. Be not in such haste, dear sir; I want to

Good. What do I hear! But hark'e, friend, that house that you are going to break open, is haunted; and there is no one in it but a couple of priests, who are laying the devil.

Slap. I warrant you I lay the devil better than all the priests in Europe. Come, Mr Constable, do your office, I have no time to lose, sir; I have several other writs to execute before night.

Let. I have defended my pass as long as I can, and now I think it is no cowardice to steal off. [Exit.

Enter COLONEL BLUFF, and LORD PUFF. Col. What, in the devil's name, is the meaning of this riot? What is the reason, scoundrels, that you dare disturb gentlemen, who are getting as drunk as lords?

Slap. Sir, we have authority for what we do. Col. Damn your authority, sir! if you don't go about your business, I shall shew you my authority, and send you all to the devil.

Slap. Sir, I desire you would give us leave to enter the house, and seize our prisoner.

Col. Not I, upon my honour, sir.

Slap. If you oppose us any longer, I shall proeeed to force.

VOL III,

had good success in the Indies, have cheated the company handsomely, and made an immense for

tune?

Good. I have no reason to complain.

tell you,

Col. I am glad on't-give me your hand, sir; and so will your son, I dare swear; and let me it will be very opportune; he began to want it. You can't imagine, sir, what a fine life he has led since you went away-it would do your heart good if you was but to know what an equipage he has kept; what balls and entertainments he has made; he is the talk of the whole town, sir; a man would work with pleasure for such a son; he is a fellow with a soul, dama me! Your fortune won't be thrown away upon him; for, get as much as you please, my life, he spends every farthing!

Good. Pray, gentlemen, let me see this miracle of a son of mine.

Col. That you should, sir, long ago; but, really, sir, the house is a little out of order at present; there is but one room furnished in it, and that is so full of company, that I am afraid there would be a small deficiency of chairs. can't imagine, sir, how opportune you are come; there was not any one thing left in the house to raise any money upon.

Good. What, all my pictures gone?

You

Col. He sold them first, sir; he was obliged

K

Good. Drunk, sir! what, does my son get drunk?

Col. Oh, yes, sir; regularly, twice a day. He has complained of the indecent liberty painters take in exposing the breasts and limbs of women; you had, indeed, sir, a very scandalous collection, and he was never easy while they were in the house.

Enter VALENTINE.

Val. My father returned! oh, let me throw myself at his feet! and believe me, sir, I am at once overjoyed, and ashamed, to see your face. Col. I told you, sir, he was one of the modestest young fellows in England.

Good You may very well be ashamed; but come, let me see the inside of my house; let me see that both sides of my walls are standing.

Val. Sir, I have a great deal of company within, of the first fashion, and beg you would not expose me before them.

Good. Oh, sir! I am their very humble servant; I am infinitely obliged to all the persons of fashion, that they will so generously condescend to eat a poor citizen out of house and home.

Col. Hark'e, Val? shall we toss this old fellow in a blanket?

Val. Sir, I trust in your good nature and forgivenness; and will wait on you in.

Good. Oh, that ever I should live to see this day! [Exeunt.

SCENE II-A dining room. LORD PUFF, and several gentlemen and ladies discovered at table.

Enter GOODALL and VALENTINE. Val. Gentlemen, my father being just arrived from the Indies, desires to make one of this good company.

Good. My good lords, (that I may affront none by calling him beneath his title) I am highly sensible of the great honour you do myself and my son, by filling my poor house with your noble persons, and your noble persons with my poor wine and provisions.

Lord Puff. Sir! Rat me! I would have you know, I think I do you too much honour in entering into your doors. But I am glad you have taught me at what distance to keep such mecha

[Exit LORD PUFf. Good. 'Sbodlikins! I am in a rage! That ever a fellow should upbraid me with good blood in his veins, when, odsheart! the best blood in his veins hath run through my bottles. Come, sir, follow your companions; for I am determined to turn you out directly.

Enter CHARLlotte.

Char. Then, sir, I am determined to go with him. Be comforted, Valentine; I have some fortune which my aunt cannot prevent me from, and it will make us happy, for a while at least; and I prefer a year, a month, a day, with the man I love, to a whole stupid agc without him.

[AS VALENTINE and CHARLOTTE are going, they are met by MRS HIGHMAN and LETTICE.

Mrs High. What do I see! my niece in the very arms of her betrayer!

Let. I humbly ask pardon of you both-but my master was so heartily in love with your niece, and she so heartily in love with my master, that I was determined to leave no stone unturned to bring them together.

Good. Eh! Egad, I like her generous passion for my son so much, that if you, madam, will give her a fortune equal to what I shall settle on him, I shall not prevent their happiness.

Mrs High. Won't you? Then I shall do all in my power to make it a match.

Let. And so, sir, you take no notice of poor Lettice? but, statesman like, your own turn served, forget your friends?

SONG.

Let. That statesmen oft' their friends forget,
Their ends obtained, is clear, sir;
So, I'm forgot, your place I'll quit,
And seek a service here, sir.

I'll prove my love in every sense,

Be dutiful, observant,

So drop in here a few nights hence, And hire your humble servant.

CHORUS.

She'll prove her love in every sense,
Be dutiful, observant,
So drop in here a few nights hence,
And hire your humble servant.
[Exeunt omnes,

SCENE I-A wood.

DORCAS, GREGORY.

Gre. I TELL you, No, I won't comply; and it is my business to talk, and to command.

Dor. And I tell you, You shall conform to my will; and that I was not married to you, to suffer your ill-humours.

Gre. O the intolerable fatigue of matrimony! Aristotle never said a better thing in his life, than when he told us, That a wife was worse than a devil.'

Dor. Hear the learned gentleman with his Aristotle!

Greg. And a learned man I am, too: find me out a maker of faggots that's able, like myself, to reason upon things, or that can boast such an education as mine.

Dor. An education!

Gre. Ay, hussy, a regular education: first at the charity-school, where I learnt to read; then I waited on a gentleman at Oxford, where I learnt-very near as much as my master; from whence I attended a travelling physician six years, under the facetious denomination of a Merry Andrew, where I learnt physic.

Dor. O that thou had'st followed him still! Cursed be the hour, wherein I answered the parson, I will.

Gre. And cursed be the parson that asked thee the question!

Dor. You have reason to complain of him indeed-who ought to be on your knees every moment, returning thanks to Heaven, for that great blessing it sent you, when it sent you myself.—I hope you have not the assurance to think you deserv'd such a wife as me?

Gre. No, really, I don't think I do.