Shift. Reproaches! Would I could be quit of him so easy; methinks I feel him already on my shoulders. Oct. Disinheriting is the least I can expect. Shift. You should have thought of this before, and not have fallen in love with I know not whom, one that you met by chance in the Dover-coach: She is, indeed, a good snug lass; but God knows what she is besides; perhaps someOct. Villain! Shift. I have done, sir, I have done. Oct. I have no friend that can appease my father's anger, and now I shall be betrayed to want and misery. Shift. For my part, I know but one remedy in our misfortunes. Oct. Prithee, what is it? Oct. Besides, my present want must be considered; I am in rebellion without money. Sca. I have tricks and shifts, too, to get that: I can cheat upon occasion; but cheating is now grown an ill-trade: yet, Heaven be thanked, there were never more cullies and fools; but the greatest rooks and cheats, allowed by public authority, ruin such little undertraders as I am. Oct. Well, get thee straight about thy business. Canst thou make no use of my rogue here? Sca. Yes, I shall want his assistance; the knave has cunning, and may be useful. Shift. Ay, sir; but, like other wise men, I am not over-valiant. Pray, leave me out of this business: My fears will betray you; you shall execute, I'll sit at home and advise. Sca. I stand not in need of thy courage, but Shift. You know that rogue and arch-cheat thy impudence; and thou hast enough of that. Scapin? Oct. Well; what of him? Shift. There is not a more subtle fellow breathing: so cunning, he can cheat one newly cheated: 'tis such a wheedling rogue, I'd undertake, in two hours he shall make your father forgive you all; nay, allow you money for your necessary debauches. I saw him, in three days, make an old cautious lawyer turn chemist and projector! Oct. He is the fittest person in the world for my business; the impudent varlet can do any thing with the peevish old man. Prithee, go look him out; we'll set him a-work immediately. Shift. See where he comes-Monsieur Scapin! Enter SCAPIN. Sca. Worthy sir! Shift. I have been giving my master a brief account of thy most noble qualities: I told him thou wert as valiant as a ridden cuckold, sincere as whores, honest as pimps in want. Sca. Alas, sir, I but copy you: 'Tis you are brave; you scorn the gibbets, halters, and prisons which threaten you, and valiantly proceed in cheats and robberies. Oct. Oh, Scapin! I am utterly ruined without thy assistance. Sca. Why, what's the matter, good Mr Octavian? Oct. My father is this day arrived at Dover with old Mr Gripe, with a resolution to marry Come, come, thou shalt along: What, man, stand out for a beating? That's the worst can happen. Shift. Well, well. Enter CLARA. Oct. Here comes my dearest Clara. Clara. Ah, me, Octavian! I hear sad newsThey say your father is returned. Oct. Alas! 'tis true, and I am the most unfortunate person in the world; but 'tis not my own misery that I consider, but yours. How can you bear those wants to which we must be both reduced? Clara. Love shall teach me-that can make all things easy to us; which is a sign it is the chiefest good. But I have other cares. Will you be ever constant? Shall not your father's severity constrain you to be false? Oct. Never, my dearest, never! Clara. They, that love much, may be allowed some fears. Sca. Come, come; we have now no time to hear you speak fine tender things to one another. Pray, do you prepare to encounter with your fa ther. nounce thou art not mine! Newgate-bird, rogue, villain! what a trick hast thou played me in my absence? Married! Yes. But to whom? Nay, that thou knowest not. I'll warrant you some waiting-woman, corrupted in a civil family, and reduced to one of the play-houses; removed from thence by some keeping coxcomb, or Clara. Hold, Scapin, hold Sca. No offence, lady, I speak but another's words.-Thou abominable rascal, thou shalt not have a groat, not a groat! Besides, I will break all thy bones ten times over! Get thee out of my house!Why, sir, you reply not a word, but stand as bashfully as a girl that is examined by a bawdy judge about a rape! Oct. Look, yonder comes my father! Sca. Stay, Shift; and get you two gone: Let me alone to manage the old fellow. [Exeunt OCT. and CLARA. Enter THRIFTY. Thrifty. Was there ever such a rash action? Sca. He has been informed of the business, and is now so full of it, that he vents it to himself. Thrifty. I would fain hear what they can say for themselves. Sca. We are not unprovided. [At a distance. Thrifty. Will they be so impudent to deny the thing? Sca. We never intend it. Thrifty. Or will they endeavour to excuse it? Thrifty. I know how to lay that rogue my son fast. Sca. That we must prevent. Thrifty. And for the tatterdemallion, Shift, I'll thresh him to death; I will be three years a cudgelling him! Shift. I wondered he had forgot me so long. Thrifty. Oh, ho! Yonder the rascal is, that brave governor! he tutored my son finely! Sca. Sir, I am overjoyed at your safe return. Thrifty. Good-morrow, Scapin.———-Indeed you have followed my instructions very exactly; my son has behaved himself very prudently in my absence has he not, rascal, has he not? [To SHIFT. Sca. I hope you are very well. Thrifty. Very well-Thou say'st not a word, warlet; thou say'st not a word! Sca. Had you a good voyage, Mr Thrifty? Thrifty. Lord, sir! a very good voyage-Pray, give a man a little leave to vent his choler! Sca. Would you be in choler, sir? Thrifty. Ay, sir, I would be in choler. Sca. Pray, with whom? Thrifty. With that confounded rogue there! Sca. Upon what reason? Thrifty. Upon what reason! Hast thou not heard what hath happened in my absence ? Sca. I heard a little idle story. Thrifty. A little idle story, quotha! why, man, my son's undone; my son's undone ! Sca. Come, come, things have not been well carried; but I would advise you to make no more of it. Thrifty. I'm not of your opinion; I'll make the whole town ring of it! Sca. Lord, sir, I have stormed about this business as much as you can do for your heart! but what are we both the better? I told him, indeed, Mr Octavian, you do not do well to wrong so good a father: I preached him three or four times asleep; but all would not do; till, at last, when I had well examined the business, I found you had not so much wrong done you as you imagine. Thrifty. How! not wrong done me, to have my son married, without my consent, to a beggar? Sca. Alas! he was ordained to it. Thrifty. That's fine, indeed! we shall steal, cheat, murder, and 30 be hanged-then say, we were ordained to it! Sca. Truly, I did not think you so subtle a philosopher! I mean, he was fatally engaged in this affair. Thrifty. Why did he engage himself? Sca. Very true, indeed, very true; but fye upon you, now! would you have him as wise as yourself? Young men will have their follicswitness my charge, Leander, who has gone and thrown away himself at a stranger rate than your son. I would fain know, if you were not once young yourself. Yes, I warrant you, and had your frailties. Thrifty. Yes; but they never cost me any thing: A man may be as frail and as wicked as he please, if it cost him nothing. Sca. Alas! he was so in love with the young wench, that if he had not had her, he must have certainly hanged himself. Shift. Must! why, he had already done it, but that I came very seasonably, and cut the rope. Thrifty. Didst thou cut the rope, dog? I'll murder thee for that! thou shouldst have let him hang! Sca. Besides, her kindred surprised him with her, and forced him to marry her. Thrifty. Then should he have presently gone, and protested against the violence at a notary's. Sca. O Lord, sir! he scorned that. Thrifty. Then might I easily have disannulled the marriage. Sca. Disannul the marriage? Thrifty. Yes. Sca. You shall not break the marriage. Thrifty. Shall not I break it? Sca. No. Thrifty. What! shall not I claim the privilege of a father, and have satisfaction for the violence Sca. 'Tis a thing he will never consent to. Sca. No: Would you have him confess he was hectored into any thing, that is, to declare himself a coward? Oh, fy, sir! one that has the honour of being your son, can never do such a thing. Thrifty. Pish! talk not to me of honour! he shall do it, or be disinherited, Sca. Who shall disinherit him? Sca. You disinherit him! very good- Sca. You shall not disinherit him, Sca. No, Thrifty. Sir, you are very merry; I shall not disinherit son? my Sca No, I tell you. Thrifty. Pray, who shall hinder me? Sca. Alas, sir! your own self, sir; your own self. Thrifty. I myself? Sca. Come, you deceive yourself; fatherly affection must shew itself; it must, it must: Do not I know you were ever tender-hearted? Thrifty. You're mistaken, sir; you're mistaken! Pish! why do I spend my time in tittletattle with this idle fellow?-Hang-dog! go find out my rake-hell [TO SHIFT.], whilst I go to my brother Gripe, and inform him of my misfor tune. Sca. In the mean time, if I can do you any serviceThrifty. O! I thank you, sir, I thank you.— [Exit THRIFTY. Shift. I must confess thou art a brave fellow, and our affairs begin to be in a better posturebut the money, the money— —we are abominable poor, and my master has the lean vigilant duns, that torment him more than an old mother does a poor gallant, when she solicits a maintenance for her discarded daughter. Sca. Your money shall be my next care—Let me see, I want a fellow to- -Canst thou not counterfeit a roaring bully of Alsatia?—Stalk -look big-Very well. Follow me; I have ways to disguise thy voice and countenance. Shift. Pray, take a little care, and lay your plot so that I may not act the bully always: I would Sca. Yes, sir; for you can never have the heart not be beaten like a bully. to do it. Sca. We'll share the danger, we'll share the danger. [Exeunt, ACT II. SCENE I. Enter THRIFTY and GRIPE. Gripe. SIR, what you tell me concerning your son, hath strangely frustrated our designs. I think so to me. Your servant-I must hasten to my council, and advise what's to be done in this case. Good bu'y till I see you again. [Exit THRIFTY. Gripe. Worse than his son! For my part, I Thrifty. Sir, trouble not yourself about my cannot imagine how; for a son to marry impuson; I have undertaken to remove all obstacles, dently without the consent of his father, is as which is the business I am so vigorously in pur-great an offence as can be imagined, I take itsuit of. But yonder he comes. Gripe. In troth, sir, I'll tell you what I say to you: The education of children, after the getting of them, ought to be the nearest concern of a father. And had you tutored your son with that care and duty incumbent on you, he never could so slightly have forfeited his." Thrifty. Sir, to return you a sentence for your sentence: Those that are so quick to censure and condemn the conduct of others, ought first to take care that all be well at home. Gripe. Why, Mr Thrifty, have you heard thing concerning my son? any Thrifty. It may be I have; and it may be worse than of my own. Gripe. What is't, I pray? my son? Thrifty. Even your own Scapin told it me; and you may hear it from him, or some body else: For my part, I am your friend, and would not willingly be the messenger of ill news to one that Gripe. Oh, have I caught you? That name makes ye blush, does it? 'Tis well you have some grace left. Sca. Well, sir; I confess, indeed, that- Sca. About two months ago, you may remember, a maid servant died in the houseLean: What of all that? Sca. Nay, sir, if I confess you must not be angry. Lean. Well, go on. Sca. 'Twas said, she died for love of me, sir: But let that pass. Lean. Death! you trifling buffoon. Sca. About a week after her death, I drest up myself like her ghost, and went into Madam Lucia, your mistress's chamber, where she lay half in, half out of bed, with her woman by her, reading an ungodly play-book. Lean. And was it your impudence did that? Sca. They both believed it was a ghost to this hour. But it was myself played the goblin, to frighten her from the scurvy custom of lying awake at those unseasonable hours, hearing filthy plays, when she had never said her prayers. Lean. I shall remember you for all in time and place: But come to the point, and tell me what thou hast said to my father. Lean. Has he said any thing concerning me? Gripe. That shall be examined anon: In the mean while, get you home, d'ye hear, and stay till my return; but look to't, if thou hast done any thing to dishonour me, never think to come within my doors, or see my face more: but expect to be miserable as thy folly and poverty can make thee. [Exit GRIPE. Sca. To your father? I have not so much as Lean. Very fine; I am in a hopeful condition. seen him since his return, and if you would ask This rascal has betrayed my marriage, and un-him, he'll tell you so himself. done me! Now, there is no way left but to turn outlaw, and live by rapine: and, to set my hand in, the first thing shall be, to cut the throat of that perfidious pick-thank dog, that has ruined Lean. Yes, he told me himself, and told me all that thou hast said to him. Sca. With your good leave, sir, then, he lied; I beg your perdon, I mean he was mistaken. Enter SLY. Sly. Oh, sir, I bring you the most unhappy news! Lean. What's the matter? Sly. Your mistress, sir, is yonder arrested in an action of 2001. They say 'tis a debt she left unpaid at London, in the haste of her escape hither to Dover; and, if you don't raise money within these two hours to discharge her, she'll be hurried to prison. Lean. Within these two hours? Sly. Yes, sir, within these two hours. Lean. Ah, my poor Scapin! I want thy assistance. [SCAPIN walks about surlily. Sca. Ah, my poor Scapin! Now, I'm your poor Scapin; now youv'e need of me. Lean. No more! I pardon thee all that thou hast done, and worse, if thou are guilty of it. Sca. No, no; never pardon me: run your sword in my guts; you'll do better to murder me. Lean. For Heaven's sake, think no more upon that; but study now to assist me. Oct. You must do something for him. Sca. The devil's in't! Lord, sir! what d'ye mean? Nay, good Mr Leander, pray, Mr Leander; 'squire Leander-As I hope to be saved-pains. Oct. Prithee be quiet: for shame! enough. Lean. Would you leave me, Scapin, in this se [Interposes. vere extremity? Sca. To put such an affront upon me as you and perilous errors, which his substitutes, serdid! Lean. I wronged thee, I confess. Sca. To use me like a scoundrel, a villain, a rascal; to threaten to run your sword in my guts! Lean. I cry thy mercy with all my heart; and if thou wilt have me throw myself at thy feet, I'll do it. Oct. Faith, Scapin, you must, you cannot but yield. Sca. Well, then: But do you mark me, sir? another time, better words and gentler blows. Lean, Will you promise to mind my business? Sca. As I see convenient, care shall be taken. Lean. But the time you know is short. vants, or trustees, may be capable of, or liable and obnoxious unto; which may arise from the imperfection and corruptness of ingenerated natures, or the taint and contagion of corrupted education, whereby the fountain-bead of man's disposition becomes muddy, and all the streams of his manners and conversation run consequently defiled and impure: These things premised, and fore-considered, arm the said prudent philosophical Pater-Familias, to find his house laid waste, his wife murdered, his daughters deflowered, his sons hanged: 'Cum multis aliis, quæ nunc prescribere longum est.' And to thank Heaven 'tis no worse, too. D'ye Sca. Pray, sir, don't be so troublesome; How mark, sir? much money is't you want? Lean. Two hundred pounds. Sca. And you? Oct. As much. Thrifty. 'Sdeath! Is all this a proverb? Sca. Ay, and the best proverb, and the wisest, in the world. Good sir, get it by heart:Twill do you the greatest good imaginable; and don't trouble yourself: I'll repeat it to you till you have gotten it by heart. Thrifty. No, I thank you, sir; I'll have none Sca. [To LEANDER.] No more to be said; it shall be done: For you the contrivance is laid already; and for your father, though he be coretous to the last degree, yet, thanks be to Hea-on't. ven, he's but a shallow person; his parts are not extraordinary: Do not take it ill, sir; for you have no resemblance of him, but that you are very like him. Be gone! I see Octavia's father coning; I'll begin with him, [Exeunt OCTAVIAN and LEANDER. Enter THRIFTY. Here he comes, mumbling and chewing the cud, to prove himself a clean beast. Thrifty. Oh, audacious boy, to commit so insolent a crime, and plunge himself in such a mischief! Sca. Sir, your humble servant. Thrifty. How do you, Scapin? Sca. What, you are ruminating on your son's rash actions? Thrifty. Have I not reason to be troubled? Sca. The life of man is full of troubles, that's the truth on't: But your philosopher is always prepared. I remember an excellent proverb of the ancients, very fit for your case. Thrifty. What's that? Sca. Pray, mind it; 'twill do ye a world of good. Thrifty. What is't, I ask you? Sea. Why, when the master of a family shall be absent any considerable time from his home or mansion, he ought, rationally, gravely, wisely, and philosophically, to revolve within his mind all the concurrent circnmstances, that may, during the interval, conspire to the conjunction of those misfortunes, and troublesome accidents, that may intervene upon the said absence, and the interruption of his econimal inspection into the remissness, negligences, frailties, and huge Sca. Pray do, you'll like it better next time; hear it once more, I sayWhen the master of a Thrifty. Hold, hold; I have better thoughts of my own; I am going to my lawyer; I'll null the marriage. Sca. Going to law! Are you mad, to venture yourself among lawyers? Do you not see every day how the spunges suck poor clients, and, with a company of foolish nonsensical terms, aud knavish tricks, undo the nation? No, you shall take another way. Thrifty. You have reason, if there were any other way. Sca. Come, I have found one. The truth is, I have a great compassion for your grief. I cannot, when I see tender fathers afflicted for their son's miscarriages, but have bowels for them; I have much ado to refrain weeping for you. Thrifty. Truly, my case is sad, very sad. Sca. So it is. Tears will burst out; I have a great respect for your person. [Counterfeits weeping: Thrifty. Thank you, with all my heart; in troth we should have a fellow-feeling. Sca. Ay, so we should; I assure you there is not a person in the world whom I respect more than the noble Mr Thrifty. Thrifty. Thou art honest, Scapin. Ha' done, ha' done. Sca. Sir, your most humble servant. Sca. Why, in brief, I have been with the brother of her, whom your wicked son has mare ried. Thrifty. What is he? |