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nounce thou art not mine! Newgate-bird, rogue, Thrifty. Upon what reason! Hast thou not villain! what a trick hast thou played me in my heard what hath happened in my absence? absence? Married! Yes. But to whom? Nay,
Sca. I heard a little idle story. that thou knowest not. I'll warrant you some Thrifty. A little idle story, quotha! why, man, waiting-woman, corrupted in a civil family, and my son's undone ; my son's undone !
a reduced to one of the play-houses; removed from Sca. Come, come, things have not been well thence by some keeping coxcomb, or
carried; but I would advise you to make no more Clara. Hold, Scapin, hold
of it. Sca. No offence, lady, I speak but another's Thrifty. I'm not of your opinion; I'll make the words.—Thou abominable rascal, thou shalt not whole town ring of it! have a groat, not a groat! Besides, I will break Sca. Lord, sir, I have stormed about this busiall thy bones ten times over! Get thee out of ness as much as you can do for your heart! but my house ! - Why, sir, you reply not a word, what are we both the better? I told him, indeed, but stand as bashfully as a girl that is examined Mr Octavian, you do not do well to wrong so by a bawdy judge about a rape!
good a father: I preached him three or four Oct. Look, yonder comes my father!
times asleep; but all would not do; till, at last, Sca. Stay, Shift; and get you two gone : Let when I had well examined the business, I found me alone to manage the old fellow.
you had not so much wrong done you as you ima[Exeunt Oct. and Clara. gine.
Thrifty. Ilow! not wrong done me, to bave Enter THRIFTY.
my son married, without my consent, to a beggar? Thrifty. Was there ever such a rash action? Sca. Alas! he was ordained to it.
Sca. He has been informed of the business, Thrifty. That's fine, indeed! we shall steal, and is now so full of it, that he vents it to him-cheat, murder, and so be hanged—then say, we self.
were ordained to it! Thrifty. I would fain hear what they can say Sca. Truly, I did not think you so subtle a phifor themselves.
losopher! I mean, he was fatally engaged in this Sca. We are not unprovided. [At a distance. affair. Thrifty. Will they be so impudent to deny the Thrifty. Why did he engage hiinself? thing?
Sca. Very true, indeed, very true; but fyo Sca. We never intend it.
upon you, now! would you have biin as wise as Thrifty. Or will they endeavour to excuse it yourself? Young men will have their follic:sSca. That, perhaps, we may do.
witness my charge, Leander, who has gone and Thrifty. But all shall be in vain.
thrown away himself at a stranger rate than your Sca. We'll try that.
son. I would fain know, if you were not once Thrifty. I know how to lay that rogue my son young yourself. Yes, I warrant you, and had fast, Sca. That we must prevent.
Thrifty. Yes; but they never cost me any Thrifty. And for the tatterdemallion, Shift, I'll thing : A man may be as frail and as wicked as thresh him to death; I will be three years a cud- he please, if it cost hiin nothing. gelling him!
Sca. Alas! he was so in love with the young Shift. I wondered he had forgot me so long. wench, that if he had not had her, he must have
Thrifty. Oh, ho! Yonder the rascal is, that certainly hanged himself. brave governor ! he tutored my son finely! Shift. Must! why, he had already done it, but Sca. Sir, I am overjoyed at your
that I came very seasonably, and cut the горе. Thrifty. Good-morrow, Scapin.-Indeed you Thrifty. Didst thon cut the rope, dog? I'l! have followed my instructions very exactly; my murder thee for that! thou shouldst have let hiin son has bebaved himself very prudently in my hang ! absence-has he not, rascal, has he not?
Sca. Besides, her kindred surprised him with
[To Shift. ber, and forced him to marry lier. Sca. I hope you are very well.
Thrifty. Then should he have presently gone, Thrifty. Very well—Thou say'st not a word, and protested against the violence at a notary's. parlet; thou say'st not a word!
Sca. O Lord, sir! he scorned that,
Thrifty. Lord, sir! a very good voyage ---Pray, the marriage.
Sca. You shall not break the marriage.
Thrifty. Shall not I break it?
Thrifty. What! shall gol I claiın the privilege
of a father, and have satisfaction for the violence Sca. Come, you deceive yourself; fatherly afdone to my son?
fection must shew itself; it must, it must : Do Sca. 'Tis a thing he will never consent to. not I know you were ever tender-hearted ? Thrifty. He will not consent to!
Thrifty. You're mistaken, sir; you're mistaSca. No: Would you have him confess he was ken! Pish! why do I spend my time in tittlehectored into any thing, that is, to declare him- tattle with this idle fellow ?- Hang-dog! go self a coward? Oh, fy, sir! one that has ho- find out my rake-hell [TO SHIFT.), whilst I go to nour of being your son, can never do such a my brother Gripe, and inform him of iny misforthing.
Thrifty. Pish! talk not to me of honour! he Sca. In the mean time, if I can do you any sershall do it, or be dišinherited, Sca. Who shall disinherit him?
Thrifty: 0 ! I thank you, sir, I thank you.Thrifty. That will I, sir.
[Erit THRIFTY. Sca. You disinherit bim! very good
Shift. I must confess thou art a brave fellow, Thrifty. How, very good ?
and our affairs begin to be in a better postureSca. You shall not disivherit him,
but the money, the inoney,
-we are abominaThrifty. Shall not I disinberit him?
ble poor, and my master has the lean vigilant Sca. No.
duns, that torment him more than an old mother Thrifty. No!
does a poor gallant, when she solicits a mainteSca. No,
nance for her discarded daughter. Thrifty. Sir, you are very merry; I shall not Sca. Your money shall be my next care— Let disinherit my son?
me see, I want a fellow to- -Canst thou not Sca No, I tell you.
counterfeit a roaring bully of Alsatia? -Stalk Thrifty. Pray, who shall hinder me?
- look big—Very well. Follow me; I have ways Sca. Alas, sir! your own self, sir; your own to disguise thy voice and countenance. self.
Shift. Pray, take a little care, and lay your plot Thrifty. I myself?
so that I may not act the bully always: I would Sca. Yes, sir; for you can never have the heart not be beaten like a bully. to do it.
Sca. We'll share the danger, we'll share the Thrifty. You shall find I can, sir,
I think so to me. Your servant-I must hasten
to ny council, and advise what's to be done in Enter THRIFTY and GRIPE.
Good bu'y till I see you again. Gripe. Sir, what you tell me concerning your
[Exit THRIFTY. son, bath strangely frustrated our designs.
Gripe. Worse than his son ! For my part, I Thrifty. Sir, trouble not yourself about my cannot imagine how; for a son to marry impuson; I have undertaken to remove all obstacles, dently without the consent of his father, is as which is the business I am so vigorously in pur- great an offence as can be imagined, I take itsuit of.
But yonder he comes. Gripe. In troth, sir, I'll tell you what I say to you: The education of children, after the getting
Enter LEANDER. of them, ought to be the nearest concern of a father. And had you tutored your son with that Lean. Oh, my dear father, how joyful am I to care and duty incumbent on you, he never could see you safely returned ! Welcome, as the blesso slightly have forfeited his.
sing, which I am now craving, will be. Thrifty. Sir, to return you a sentence for your Grupe. Not so fast, friend aʼmine! soft and sentence: Those that are so quick to censure fair goes far, sir. You are my son, as I take it. and condemn the conduct of others, ought first Leun. What d’ye mean, sir? to take care that all be well at home.
Gripe. Stand still, and let me look ye in the Gripe. Why, Mr Thrifty, have you heard
face. thing concerning my son?
Lean. How must I stand, sir?
Leun. Well, sir, I do.
Gripe. What's the meaning of this report?
Lean. What is't, sir, which you would have Sca. Well, sir; I confess, indeed, thathad me done?
Lean. What! speak, rogue ? Gripe. I do not ask you, what I would have Sca. About two months ago, you may rememhad you done ; but, what have you done? ber, a maid servant died in the house
Lean. Who? I, sir? Why, I have done nothing Lean: What of all that? at all, not I sir.
Sca. Nay, sir, if I confess you must not be anGripe. Nothing at all?
gry: Lean. No, sir.
Lean. Well, go on. Gripe. You have no impudence to speak on. Sca. 'Twas said, she died for love of me, sir :
Lean. Sir, I have the confidence that becomes But let that pass. a man, and my innocence.
Lean. Death! you triling buffoon. Gripe. Very well : but Scapin, d'ye mark me, Sca. About a week after her death, I drest up young man, Scapin has told me some tales of myself like her ghost, and went into Madam Luyour behaviour.
cia, your niistress's chamber, where she lay half Lean. Scapin!
in, half out of bed, with her woman by her, readGripe. Oh, have I caught you? That name ing an ungodly play-book. makes ye blush, does it? Tiş well you have some Lean. And was it your impudence did that?
Sca. They both believed it was a ghost to this Lean. Has he said any thing concerning me? hour. But it was myself played the goblin, to
Gripe. That shall be examined anon: In the frighten her from the scurvy custom of lying mean while, get you home, d'ye hear, and stay awake at those unseasonable hours, hearing filthy till my return; but look to't, if thou hast done plays, when she had never said her prayers. any thing to dishonour me, never think to come Lean. I shall remember you for all in time within my doors, or see my face more: but ex- and place: But come to the point, and tell mo pect to be miserable as thy folly and poverty can what thou hast said to my father. make thee,
Sca. To your father? I have not so much as Lean. Very fine; I am in a hopeful condition. seen him since his return, and if you would ask This rascal has betrayed my marriage, and un- him, he'll tell you so himself. done me! Now, there is no way left but to turn Lean. Yes, he told me himself, and told me outlaw, and live by rapine: and, to set my hand all that thou hast said to him. in, the first thing shall be, to cut the throat of Sca. With your good leave, sir, then, he lied; that perfidious pick-thank dog, that has ruined I beg your perdon, I mean he was mistaken.
Enter OCTAVIAN and SCAPIN.
Enter Sly. Oct. Dear Scapin, how infinitely am I obliged Sly. Oh, sir, I bring you the most unhappy to thee for thy care!
Lean. Yonder he comes : I'm overjoyed to see Lean. What's the matter? you, good Mr Dog !
Sly. Your mistress, sir, is yonder arrested in Sca. Sir, your most humble servant; you ho an action of 2001. They say 'tis a debt she left nour me too far.
unpaid at London, in the haste of her escape Lean. You act an ill fool's part; but I shall hither to Dover; and, if you don't raise money
within these two hours to discharge her, she'll be Sca, Sir?
hurried to prison. Oct. Hold! Leander.
Lean. Within these two hours ? Lean. No, Octavian ; I'll make him confess the Sly. Yes, sir, within these two hours. treachery he has committed; yes, varlet, dog! I Lean. Ah, my poor Scapin! I want thy assisknow the trick you have played me: You thought, tance.
(SCAPin walks about surlily. perhaps, no body would have told me. But I'll Sca. Ah, my poor Scapin! Now, I'm your make you confess it, or I'll run my sword into poor Scapin; now youv'e need of me. your guts !
Lean. No more! I pardon thee all that thou Sca. Oh, sir, sir ! would you have the heart to last done, and worse, if thou are guilty of it. do such a thing? Have I done you any injury, Scu. No, no; never pardon me: run your sir?
sword in my guts; you'll du better to murder Lean. Yes, rascal! that you have, and I'll make me. you own it, ton, or I'll swinge it out of your al- Lean. For Heaven's sake, think no more upready tanned thick hide.
[Beats him. on that; but study now to assist me. Sca. The devil's in't! Lord, sir! what d've Oct. You must do something for him. mean? Nay, good Mr Leander, pray, Mr Lean- Sca. Yes, to have my bones broken for my der; 'squire Leander-As I hope to be saved - pains. Oct. Prithee be quiet: for shame! enough. Lean. Would you leave me, Scapin, in this seu
[Interposes. vere extremity?
Sca. To put such an affront upon me as you and perilous errors, which his substitutes, serdid!
vants, or trustees, may be capable of, or liable Lean. I wronged thee, 1 confess.
and obnoxious unto; which may arise from the Sca. To use me like a scoundrel, a villain, a imperfection and corruptness of ingenerated narascal; to threaten to run your sword in any tures, or the taint and contagion of corrupted guts!
education, whereby the fountain-bead of man's Lean. I cry thy mercy with all my heart; and disposition becomes muddy, and all the streams if thou wilt have me throw myself at thy feet, of his manners and conversation run consequentI'll do it.
ly defiled and impure: These things premised, Oct, Faith, Scapin, you must, you cannot but and fore-considered, arm the said prudent philo yield.
sophical Pater-Familias, to find his house laid Sca. Well, then : But do you mark
sir? a waste, his wife murdered, his daughters deflowother time, better words and gentler blows. ered, his sons hanged:
Lean. Will you promise to mind my busi- • Cum multis aliis, quæ nunc prescribere lonness?
Sca. As I see convenient, care shall be taken.
Thrifty. 'Sdeath! Is all this a proverb?
Sca. Ay, and the best proverb, and the wisest, Sca. And you?
in the world. Good sir, get it by heart : Oct. As much.
'Twill do you the greatest good imaginable; and Sca. [TO LEANDER.] No more to be said; it don't trouble yourself: l'il repeat it to you till shall be done : For you the contrivance is laid you have gotten it by heart. already; and for your father, though he be cove- Thrifty. No, I thank you, sir; I'll have no tous to the last degree, yet, thanks be to Hea-on't. ven, he's but a shallow person; his parts are not Sca. Pray do, you'll like it better next time; extraordinary: Do not take it ill, sir; for you hear it once more, I say,
-When the mashave no resemblance of him, but that you are ter of a very like him. Be gone! I see Octavia's father Thrifty. Hold, hold; I have better thoughts of conțing; I'll begin with him,
my own; I am going to my lawyer; I'll null the [Ereunt Octavian and LEANDER. marriage.
Sca. Going to law! Are you mad, to venture Enter TURITY.
yourself among lawyers? Do you not see every Flere he comes, mumbling and chewing the cud, day how the spunges suck poor clients, and, with to prove himself a clean beast.
a company of foolish nonsensical terms, aud knaThrifty. Oh, audacious boy, to commit so in- vish tricks, undo the nation? No, you shall take solent a crime, and plunge bimself in such a mis another way. chief!
Thrifty. You have reason, if there were any Sca. Sir, your humble servant. Thrifty. How do you, Scapin?
Sca. Come, I have found one. The truth is, I Sca. What, you are ruminating on your son's have a great compassion for your grief. I canrash actions?
not, when I see tender fathers afflicted for their Thrifty. Have I not reason to be troubled ? son's miscarriages, but have bowels for them; I
Sca. The life of man is full of troubles, that's have much ado to refrain weeping for you. the truth on't : But your philosopher is always Thrifty. Truly, my case is sad, very sad. prepared. I remember an excellent proverb of Sca. So it is. Tears will burst out; I have a the ancients, very fit for your case.
great respect for your person. Thrifty. What's that?
[Counterfeits weeping: Sca. Pray, mind it; 'twill do ve a world of Thrifty. Thank you, with all my heart; in good.
troili we should have a fellow-feeling. Thrifty. What is't, I ask you ?
Sca. Ay, so we should; I assure you there is Sca. Why, when the master of a family shall not a person in the world whom I respect more be absent any considerable time from his home than the noble Mr Thrifty. or mansion, he ought, rationally, gravely, wisely, Thrifty. Thou art honest, Scapin. Ha' done, and philosophically, to revolve within his mind ha' done. all the concurrent circnmstances, that
Sca. Sir, your most humble servant. ring the interval, conspire to the conjunction of Thrifty. But what is your way? those misfortunes, and troublesome accidents, Sca. Why, in brief, I have been with the that may intervene upon the said absence, and brother of her, whom your wicked son has mar the interruption of his econimal inspection into ried. the remissc89, negligences, frailties, and huge Thrifty. What is he?
Sca. A most outrageous, roaring fellow, with a Thrifty. No, I'll have nothing to do in it. Oh, down hanging look, contracted brow, with a a covetous rogue! I wonder he is not ashamed swelled red face, enflamed with brandy; one to be so covetous. that frowns, puffs, and looks big at all mankind; Sca. Why, this is nothing to the charge at roars out oaths, and bellows out curses enougli Doctor's Commons: and though her brother has in a day to serve a garrison a week; bred up in no money, she has an uncle able to defend her. blood and rapine; used to slaughter from his Thrifiy. O, eternal_rogue! well, I must do youth upwards; one that makes no more con- it ; the devil's in him, I think! science of killing a man, than cracking of a Sca. Then, says he, 'I must carry into France louse ; he has killed sixteen; four for taking the money to buy a mulė, to carrywall of him; five for looking too big upon him. Thrifty. Let himn go to the devil with his In short, he is the most dreadful of all the race mule; I'll appeal to the judges. of bullies.
Sca. Nay, good sir, think a little. Thrifty. Heaven! how do I tremble at the de- Thrifty. No, I'll do nothing. scription? But what's this to my business?
Sca. Sir, sir; but one little mule? Sca. Why, he (as most bullies are) is in want, Thrifty, No, not so much as an ass ! and I have brought him, by threatening him with Sca. Consider. all the courses of law, all the assistance of your Thrifty. I will not consider; I'll go to law. friends, and your great purse, (in which I ven- Sca. I am sure if you go to law, you do not tured my life ten times, for so often he drew consider the appeals, degrees of jurisdiction, the and rnn at me) yet, I say, at last I have made intricate proceedings, the knaveries, the craving him hearken to a coinposition, and to null the of so many ravenous animals, that will prey upon marriage for a sum of money.
you! villainous harpies, promoters, tipstaves, Thrifty. Thanks, dear Scapin, but what sum? and the like; none of which but will puff away
Sca. Faith, he was damnably unreasonable at the clearest right in the world for a bribe. On first; and gad, I told him so very roundly. the other side, the proctor shall side with your
Thrifty. A pox on bin! what did he ask? adversary, and sell your cause for ready money:
Sca. Ask! Hang him! why he asked five hun-Your advocate shall be gained the same way, dred pounds.
and shall not be found when your cause is to be Thrifty. Ouns and heart, five hundred pounds! heard. Law is a torment of all torments. five hundred devils take him—and fry and Thrifty. That's true: Why, what does the frickasee the dog! does he take ine for a mad- damned rogue- -reckon for his mule? man?
Sca. Why, for horses, furniture, inule, and to Sca. Why, so I said? and, after much argu- pay some scores that are due to his landlady, he ment, I brought him to this : “ Dainme,' says he, deinands, and will have, two hundred pounds. • I am going to the army, and I must have two Thrifiy. Come, come, let's go to law. “good horses for myself, for fear one chonld die; (Tunifty walks up and down in a great heat.] • and those will cost at least three score guineas.'
Sca. Do but reflect uponThrifty. Hang him, rogue! why should be Thrifty. I'll go to law. have two horses? But I care not if I give three- Sca. Do not plunge yourselfscore guineas to be rid of this affair.
Thrifty. To law, I tell you. Sca. Then, says he, 'my pistols, saddle, horse Sca. Why, there's for procuration, presentation, cloth, and all, will cost twenty more.'
councils, productions, proctors, attendance, and Thrifty. Why, that's fourscore.
scribbling vast volumes of interrogatories, deposiScu. Well reckoned : 'Faith, this arithmetic is tions, and articles, consultations and pleadings of a fine art. Then, I must have one for my boy doctors, for the register, substitute, judgments, will cost twenty more.
signings-- Expedition fees, besides the vast preThrifty. Oh, the devil! confounded dog ! let sents to them and their wives. Hang't! the felbim go and be damned ! I'll give him nothing. low is out of employment; give him the inoney, Sca. Sir.
give him it, I say! Thrifty. Not a sous, damned rascal ! let him Thrifty. What, two hundred pounds ! turn foot-soldier, and be hanged !
Sca. Ay, ay; why, you'll gain 150). by it, I Sca. He has a man besides; would you have have summed it up; I say, give it him, i’faith him go a-foot?
do. Thrifty. Av, and his master, too; I'll have Thrifty. What, two hundred pounds! pothing to do with him.
Sca. Ay; besides, you ne'er think how they'll Sca. Well, you are resolved to spend twice as rail at you in pleading, tell all your fornications, much at Doctor's-Commons, you are; you will bastardings, and cominutings, in their courts. stand out for soch a sum as this, do.
Thrifty. I defy them; let them tell of
whoThrifty. O, damned, unconscious rascal ! well, ring—':is the fashion ! if it must be so, let hiin have the other twenty. Sca. Peace! here's the brother. Sca. Twenty! why, it comes to forty.
Thrifty. O Heaven! what shall I do!