Ter. Your daughter shall marry Mr Belmour. [From him. After her. Ter. Go, you old fool! From him. Quid. You vile minx, worse than the whore of Babylon! [After her. Ter. There, you old cracked-brained-politic-- | there's your paper for you! [Throws it down, and exit. Quid. [Sitting down.] O Heavens! I'm quite out of breath-A jade, to keep my news from me --What does it say, what does it say ?--[Reads very fast while opening the paper.]-- Whereas a commission of bankrupt is awarded and issued 'forth against Abraham Quidnunc, of the parish ' of St Martins, in the Fields, upholsterer, dealer, 'and chapman, the said bankrupt is hereby re Quid. I'll never accede to the treaty. SCENE I.-The Upholsterer's house. Enter QUIDNUNC. quired to surrender himself. Poh! what signifies this stuff? I don't mind myself, when the balance of power is concerned. However, I shall be read of in the same paper, in the London Gazette, by the powers abroad, together with the pope, and the French king, and the mogul, and all of them-Good, good, very good-Here's a power of news--Let me see--[Reads.] Letters 'from the vice-admiral, dated Tyger, off Calcutta.'-[Mutters to himself very eagerly.]--Odd's heart, those baggages will interrupt me; I hear their tongues a-going, click, clack, clack: I'll run into my closet, and lock myself up.-A vixen! a trollop! to want money from me, when I may have occasion to buy the state of the Sinking Fund, or Faction Detected, or The Barrier Treaty -or--and, besides, how could the jade tell but to-morrow we may have a Gazette Extraordinary? [Exit. ACT II. Quid. WHERE, where, where is he? Where's Mr Pamphlet?Mr Pamphlet !--TermagantMr- -a- -a-Termagant, Harriet, Termagant, you vile minx, you saucy→→→ Enter TERMAGANT. Ter. Here's a racket, indeed! Quid. Where's Mr Pamphlet? You baggage, if he's gone Ter. Did not I intimidate that he's in the next room? Why, sure the man's out of his wits! Quid. What carried you thither? Pam. I went in hopes of being taken up. Pam. Indeed!-Sedition is the only thing an author can live by now--Time has been I could turn a penny by an earthquake, or live upon a jail-distemper, or dine upon a bloody murder!-Quid. Show him in here, then---I would not but now that's all over-nothing will do now but miss seeing him for the discovery of the north-roasting a minister, or telling the people that they east passage. Ter. Go, you old gemini gomini of a politic! [Exit TER. Quid. Show him in, I say; I had rather see him than the whole state of the peace at Utrecht, or the Paris-a-la-main, or the votes, or the minutes, or---[Here he comes.]--the best political writer of the age. Enter PAMPHLET, in a surtout coat, &c. Quid. Mr Pamphlet, I am heartily glad to see you. Pam. Mr Quidnunc, your servant; I'm come from a place of great importance. Quid. Look ye there, now!--Well, where, where? Pam. Are we alone? are ruined--The people of England are never so happy as when you tell them they are ruined. Quid. Yes, but they an't ruined-I have a scheme for paying off the national debt. Pam. Let us see, let us see. [Puts on his spectacles.] Well enough! well imagined !—a new thought this!-I must make this my own. [Aside.] Silly, futile, absurd, abominable; this will never do-I'll put it in my pocket, and read it over in the morning for you- Now, look you here; I'll show you a scheme. [Rummaging his pockets.] No, that's not it; that's my conduct of the ministry, by a country gentleman; I proved the nation undone here: this sold hugely; and here now, here's my answer to it, by a noble lordthis did not move among the trade. Quid. What, do you write on both sides? Quid. Stay, stay, till I shut the door--Now, Quidnunc; always impartial, ambo dexter. Now, now, where do you come from? Pam. From the court of requests. here, here's my dedication to a great man: touched twenty for this; and here, here's my li [Laying aside his surtout coat. bel upon him Quid. What have you here in this pocket? [Prying eagerly. Pam. That's my account with Jacob Zorobabel the broker, for writing paragraphs to raise or tumble the stocks, or the price of lottery tickets, according to his purposes. Quid. Ay! how do you do that? Quid. Aye! Quib. Nothing permanent in this world. Quid. Ups and downs- Quid. Wheels within wheels- Quid. Whoever lives to see it, will Pam. Time will tell all. any man in England. In deep thought, without looking at each other. Pam. As thus-To-day the protestant interest declines, Madras is taken, and England is un- Quid. Ay, we must leave all to the determinadone; then, all the long faces in the alley look tion of time. Mr Pamphlet, I'm heartily oblias dismal as a blank; and so Jacob buys away,ged to you for this visit-I love you better than and thrives upon our ruin. Then, to-morrow, we are all alive and merry again; Pondicherry's taken; a certain northern potentate will shortly strike a blow to astonish all Europe: and, then, every true-born Englishman is willing to buy a lottery-ticket for twenty or thirty shillings more than its worth; so Jacob sells away, and reaps the fruit of our success. Quid. What! will the people believe that now? Pam. Believe it! believe any thing—–No swallow like a true-born Englishman's- -A man in a quart-bottle, or a victory, 'tis all one to them- -they give a gulp-and down it goes -glib, glib Quid. Yes; but they an't at the bottom of things. Pam. No, not they; they dabble a little, but can't dive Quid. Pray now, Mr Pamphlet, what do you think of our situation? Pam. Bad, sir, bad-And how can it be better? the people in power never send to me never consult me; it must be bad; now, here, here-[Goes to his loose coat.] here is a manuscript! this will do the business, a master-piece! I shall be taken up for this Quid. Shall ye ? Pam. As sure as a gun, I shall; I know the bookseller's a rogue, and will give me up. Quid. But pray now, what shall you get by being taken up? Pam. I'll tell you--[Whispers.] in order to make me hold my tongue. Quid. Ay, but you won't hold your tongue for all that. Pam. Poh, poh! not a jot of that-abuse then the next day. Quid. Well, well, I wish you success- Gazette? Pam. Yes, I have seen that Great news, Mr Quidnunc-But hark ye---[Whispers.] and kiss hands next weck. VOL. III. Pam. And, for my part, Mr Quidnunc-I Pam. Mr Quidnunc, I know you are a man of integrity and honour-I know you are-and now since we have opened our hearts, there is a thing, Mr Quidnunc, in which you can serve me -You know, sir, this is the fulness of our hearts -you know you have my note for a trifle; hard dealing with assignees. Now, could not you, to serve a friend- -could not you throw that note into the fire? Quid. Hey! but would that be honest? Pam. Leave that to me; a refined stroke of policy-Papers have been destroyed in all governments. Quid. So they have; it shall be done; it will be political; it will, indeed. Pray now, Mr Pamphlet, what do you take to be the true political balance of power? Pam. What do I take to be the balance of power? Quid. Ay, the balance of power? Pam. The balance of power! what do I take to be the balance of power? the balance of power! [Shuts his eyes.] what do I take to be the balance of power? Quid. The balance of power I take to be, Pam. No, no; the balance of power is when the foundations of government and the super structures are natural. Quid. How d'ye mean natural? Pam. Prithee be quiet, man. This is the language--The balance of power is------when superstructures are reduced to proper balances, or when the balances are not reduced to unnatural superstructures. Quid. Poh, poh! I tell you it is when the fortifications of Dunkirk are demolished. 2 G Pam. But, I tell you, Mr Quidnunc→→→ Pam. Hear me, Mr Quidnunc Quid. Give me leave, Mr Pamphlet- Quid. I am convinced, sir Pam. That the balance of powerQuid. That the fortifications of Dunkirk Pam. Depends upon the balances and superstructures Quid. Constitute the true political equilibrium Pam. Nor will I converse with a manQuid. And, sir, I never desire to see your face Pam. Of such anti-constitutional principles Both in a passion. Quid. Nor the face of any man who is such a Frenchman in his heart, and has such notions of the balance of power. [Exeunt. Re-enter QUIDNUNC. Ay, I've found him out-such abominable principles! I never desire to converse with any man of his notions—no, never while I live Re-enter PAMPHLET. Quid. No, you trollop, no- Quid. No, no, no, no! I tell you, nó! Ter. Better to go to rest, sir. I heard a doctor of physic say, as how, when a man is past his grand crime--what the deuce makes me forgot my word? his grand crime-hysteric-nothing is so good against indiscompositions as rest taken in its prudish natalibus. Quid. Hold your prating! I'll not go to bed; I'll step to my brother Feeble; I want to have some talk with him, and I'll go to him directly. [Exit QUID. Ter. Go thy ways for an old Hocus-pocus of a newspaper! You'll have good luck if you find your daughter here when you come back. Mr Belmour will be here in the interim; and if he does not carry her off, why then, I shall think him a mere shilly-shally feller; and, by my troth, I shall think him as bad a politishing as yourself! [Exit. SCENE III.-Changes to the street. Enter QUIDNUNC, with a dark lanthorn. Quid. If the Grand Turk should actually commence open hostility, and the house-bug Tartars make a diversion upon the frontiers, why, then, 'tis my opinion-time will discover to Pam. Mr Quidnunc, one word with you, if us a great deal more of the matter. you please. Quid. Sir, I never desire to see your face Pam. My property, Mr Quidnunc-I shan't leave my property in the house of a bankrupt. Twisting his handkerchief round his arm.] A silly, empty, incomprehensible blockhead! Quid. Blockhead, Mr Pamphlet! Pam. A blockhead to use me thus, when I have you so much in my power Quid. In your power! Pam. In my power, sir! It's in my power to bang you! Quid. To hang me! Pam. Yes, sir, to hang you. [Drawing on his coat.] Did not you propose but this moment-did not you desire me to combine and confederate to burn a note, and defraud your creditors? Quid. I desire it! Pam. Yes, Mr Quidnunc; but I shall detect you to the world. I'll give your character-You shall have a sixpenny touch next week. Flebit et insignis tota cantabitur urbe. Watch. [Within.] Past eleven o'clock, a cloudy night. Quid. Hey! past eleven o'clock-'Sbodikins, my brother Feeble will be gone to bed; but he shan't sleep till I have some chat with him.Hark'e, watchman, watchman ! Enter Watchman. Watch. Call, master? Quid. Ay, step hither, step hither; have you heard any news? Watch. Russians, master! Quid. Yes; or the movements in Pomerania? Watch. La, master, I know nothing. Poor gentleman! [Pointing to his head.] Good night to you, master. Past eleven o'clock. [Exit WATCH. Quid. That man, now, has a place under the [Exit PAMPHLET.government, and he won't speak. But I am losing time. [Knocks at the door.] Hazy weather! [Looking up] The wind is fixt in that quarter, and we shan't have any mails this week to come. Come about, good wind, do, come about. Enter a Servant-maid. Quid. Mercy on me! there's the effect of his anti-constitutional principles! the spirit of his whole party; I never desire to exchange another word with him. Enter TERMAGANT. Ter. Here's a pother, indeed! Did you call 'me? Maid. La, sir, is it you? Quid. Prithee be quiet, woman; I must see [Exeunt. him. SCENE IV.---A room in FEEBLE's house. Enter FEEBLE, in his night-gown. Fee. I was just stepping into my bed. Bless my heart! what can this man want? I know his voice. I hope no new misfortune brings him at this hour! Quid. Hold your tongue, you foolish hussy; he'll be glad to see me. Brother Feeble, bro[Within. ther Feeble! Enter QUIDNUNC. Quid. Brother Feeble, I give you joy; the nabob's demolished. [Sings.] Britons strike home, revenge, &c. Feeb. Lack-a-day, Mr Quidnunc, how can you serve me thus? Quid. Suraja Dowla is no more! Quid. So that the back inhabitants [From him. [After him. Feeb. I wish you would let me be a quiet inhabitant in my own house Quid. So that the back inhabitants will now be secured by the Cherokees and Catabaws Feeh. You'd better go home, and think of appearing before the commissionersQuid. Go home! no, no; I'll go and talk the matter over at our coffee-houseFeeb. Do so, do so. Quid. [Returning.] Mr Feeble---I had a dispute about the balance of power-pray now, can you tell Feeb. I know nothing of the matter Quid. Well, another time will do for that-I have a great deal to say about that-[Going, returns.] Right, I had like to have forgot; there's an erratum in the last Gazette Feeb. With all my heart Quid. Page 3, line 1st, col. 1st and 3d, for bombs read booms. Feeb. Poor man! he's stark-staring mad. Feeb. Read what you will- Feeb. I'll hear the rest to-morrow morning- more news, I'll come and tell you. [Runs off. Quid. Odsheart man, be of good cheer-the new nabob, Jaffier Ally Cawn, has acceded to a treaty; and the English Company have got all Quid. I forgot to tell you the emperor of their rights in the Phiemand and the Hushbulho-Morocco is dead. [Bawling after him.] So orums. Feeb. But dear heart, Mr Quidnunc, why am I to be disturbed for this? Quid. We had but two seapoys killed, three chokeys, four gaul-walls, and two zemidars.---| [Sings.] Britons never shall be slaves!' Feeb. Would not to-morrow morning do as well for this? Quid. Light up your windows, man; light up your windows. Chandernagore is taken! Feeb. Well, well, I'm glad of it-Good night. Quid. Here; here's the Gazette !- [Sits down. Quid. Ay, ay, sit down, and I'll read it to you. [Reads.] Nay, don't run away-I've more news to tell you there's an account from Williamsburgh in America---The superintendant of Indian affairs Feeb. Dear sir, dear sir now I've made him happy— -I'll go and knock SCENE V.-A street. A shabby house, with Enter QUIDNUNC, with a dark lanthorn. Quid. Ah, friend Razor !---he has a great respect for a rejoicing night--Who knows but he has heard some more particulars. RAZOR, looking out at the window. Raz. Anan? Quid. Friend Razor! [Avoiding him. Raz. My Master Quidnunc! I'm rejoicing for the news-will you partake of a pipe?--I'll open | Jamaica will have Florida peat to burn.— the door. [Excunt. SCENE VI.-The Upholsterer's house. Enter BELMOUR and HARRIET. Har. Mr Belmour, pray, sir-I desire, sir, Enter RAZOR, a pipe in his mouth, and a tank-you'll not follow me from room to room. ard in his hand. Raz. Here's to you, Master Quidnunc ! Quid. What have you heard? What have you heard? Raz. The consumers of oats are to meet next week. Quid. Those consumers of oats have been meeting any time these ten years to my knowledge, and I never could find what they are about. -- Raz. Things an't right, I fear its enough to put down a body's spirits[Drinks. Quid. No, nothing to fear-I can tell you some good news- -a certain great potentate has not heard high-mass the Lord knows when, Ras. That puts a body in spirits again. [Drinks.] Here drink, No wooden shoes! Quid. With all my heart--[Drinks.] Good liquor this, Master Razor, of a cold night, Raz. Yes, I put a quartern of British brandy in my beer-whu!-Do you know what a rebel my wife is? Quid. A rebel! Raz. Ay, a rebel-I earned nineteen-pence half-penny to-day, and she wanted to lay out all that great sum upon the children-whu!—but I bought those candles for the good of my country, to rejoice with, as a body may say——a little Virginy for my pipe, and this sup of hotwhu Quid. Ay, you're an honest man: and if every body did like you and me, what a nation we should be! Raz. Ay, very true—— [Shakes his head. Quid. I can give you the Gazette to read. Raz. Can you! a thousand thanks-I'll take it home to you when I have done. [Drinks, and staggers. Quid. Friend Razor, you begin to be a little in for't. Raz. Yes, I have a whirligigg of a head-but a body should get drunk sometimes for the good of one's country. Quid. Well, I shall be at home in half an hour!-Hark'e. Raz. Anan! Bel. Indulge me but a moment. Har. No, Mr Belmour, I've seen too much of your temper-I'm touched beyond all enduring at your unmanly treatment. Bel. Unmanly, madam? Har. Unmanly, sir! to presume upon the misfortunes of my family, and insult me with the formidable menaces that, 'Truly you have done; 'you'll be no more a slave to me.'-Oh fie, Mr Belmour! I did not think a gentleman capable of it. Bel. But you won't consider.— Har. Sir, I would have Mr Belmour understand, that though my father's circumstances are embarrassed, I have still an uncle, who can, and will, place me in a state of affluence; and then sir, your declarations Bel. My dearest Harriet, they were but hasty words; let me now entreat you suffer me to convey you hence, far from your father's roof, where we may at length enjoy that happiness, of which we have long cherished the loved idea-What say you, Harriet? Har. I don't know what to say my heart's at my lips.Why don't you take me, then? Enter TERMAGANT. Ter. Undone, undone! I'm all over in a flustration old Jimini Gomiui's coming. Har. O lud, what is to be done now? Ter. The devil! what can be done? I have it -don't flustrate yourseif—I'll find some nonsense news for him-away with you both into that room. Quick, quick! [Exeunt BELMOUR and HARRIET. Let me see have I nothing in my pocket for the old hocus pocus to read? Psha! that's Mr Belmour's letter to Miss Harriet-I enveloped that secret for all pains to purvent me.-Old Politic must not have an idear of that business Stay, stay; is there ne'er an old trumpery newspaper?---this will do---[Puts it in her pocket.] Now let the Gazette of a fellow come as soon as he will. Enter QUIDNUNC. Quid. Fie upon it!fie upon it !---all the coffee-houses shut up---Where is my Salmon's Quid. I have made a rare discovery-Florida will be able to supply Jamaica with peat for their winter's firing. I had it from a deep poli-gazetteer, and my map of the world?-in that room, I fancy--I won't sleep till I know the tician. Raz. Ay! I am glad the poor people of geography of all these places. [Going. |