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Mr Barn. Can I help it, brother? But what's Mar. You must know, Mr Barnard, I'm comc the matter now?
on purpose to drink a bottle with you. Grif. There's a parcel of fellows have been Mr Barn. That may be, sir; but it happens hunting about your grounds all this morning, that at this time I am not at all dry. broke down your hedges, and are now coming Mar. I left the ladies at cards waiting for into your house---Don't you hear them?
supper; for my part I never play; so I came to Mir Barn. No, no, I don't hear them: who are I
see my dear Mr Barnard ! and, I'll assure you, I they?
undertook this journey only to have the honour Grif. Three or four rake-helly officers, with of your acquaintance. your nephew at the head of them.
A1r Barn. You might have spared yourself Mr Barn. O the rogue! He might well send that trouble, sir. me fowls---but is it not a vexatious thing, that I Mar. Don't you know, Mr Barnard, that this must stand still and see myself plundered at this house of yours is a little Paradise? rate, and have a carrion of a wife who thinks I Mr Barn. Then rot me if it be, sir! ought to thank all these rogues that come to de- Mar. For my part, I think a pretty retreat in vour me! But can't you advise me what's to be the country is one of the greatest comforts in done in this case ?
life-I suppose you never want good company, Grif. I wish I could; for it goes to my heart Mr Barnard ? to see you thus treated by a crew of vermin, who Mr Barn. No, sir, I never want company; for think they do you a great deal of honour in ruin- you must know I love very much to be alone. ing of you.
Mar. Good wine you must keep, above all Mr Barn. Can there be no way found to re- things—without good wine and good cheer, I dress this?
would not give a fig for the country. Grif. If I were you, I'd leave this house quite, Mr Barn. Really, sir, my wine is the worst and go to town.
you ever drank in your life, and you'll find my Nír Barn. What, and leave my wife behind cheer but very indifferent. me? Ay, that would be mending the matter, in- Mar. No matter, no matter, Mr Barnard. I've deed!
heard much of your hospitality; there's a plentiful Grif. Why don't you sell it, then?
table in your looks and your wife is certainly Mr Burn. Because nobody will buy it; it has one of the best women in the world. got as bad a name as if the plague were in't; it Mr Barn. Rot me if she be, sir ! has been sold over and over; and every family that has lived in it has been ruined.
Enter Colin. Grif. Then send away all your beds and fur- Col. Sir, sir ! yonder's the baron de Messey niture, except what is absolutely necessary for has lost his hawk in our garden; he says it is your own family; you'll save something by that, perched upon one of the trees; may we let him for then your guests can't stay with you all night, have'n again, sir? however.
Mr Barn. Go tell him, that -
Enter the BARON DE MESSY.
a thousand pardons, that I should live so long in Mr Barn. What's that?
your neighbourhood, and come upon such an ocGrif. You must c'en do what's done when a casion as this, to pay you my first respects. town's on fire; blow up your house, that the mis- Mr Barn. It is very well, sir; but, I think chief may run no farther, But who is this gen- people may be very good neighbours, without vitleman?
siting one another. Mr Barn. I never saw him in my life before ; Baron. Pray, how do you like our country? but, for all that, I'll hold fifty pound hie comes to Mr Barn. Not at all ; I'm quite tired on't. dine with me.
Mlar. Is it not the Baron? [Aside.] It is cer
tainly he. Enter the MARQUIS.
Buron. How! my dear marquis ! let me emMar. My dear Mr Barnard, I'ın your most brace you. humble servant !
Mar. My dear baron, let me kiss you! Mr Barn. I don't doubt it, sir.
[They run, and embrace, Mar. What is the meaning of this, Mr Bar- Baron. We have not seen one another since nard? You look as coldiy upon me as if I were we were school-fellows, before ! a stranger.
Mar. The bappiest rencontre ! Mr Barn. Why truly, sir, I'm very apt to do Grif. These gentlemen seem to be very well so by persons I never saw in iny life before. acquainted.
Vr Barn. Yes; but I know neither one nor | I'm your most humble servant: Since you will t'other of them.
have it so, I'll return as soon as possible. Jur. Baron, let me present to you one of the Mr Barn. I have it so ! 'Sbud, sir! you may best-natured men in the world! Mr Baroard here, stay as long as ye please : I'm in no haste for ye. the tlower of hospitality !-I congratulate you
[Exeunt Baron and MARQUIS. upon having so good a neighbour.
Madam, you are the cause that I am not masMr Barn. Sir!
ter of my own house. Baron. It is an advantage I am proud of. Mirs Barn. Will you never learn to be reasonMr Barn. Sir!
ablc, husband ? Mar. Come, gentlemen, you must be very tinate. Let me have the honour of bringing you
The MARQUIS returns. better acquainted.
Mar. The baron is the best humoured man in Nr Barn, Sir!
the world; only a little too ceremonious, that's all Baron. Dear marqnis, I shall take it as a fa- - I love to be free and generous-Since I came vour, if you'li do me that honour.
to Paris, I've reformed half the court. Mr Burn. Sir!
Mrs Barn. You are of the most agreeable huMar. With all my heart-Come, baron, now mour in the world, marquis. you are here, we can make up the most agree
Mar. Always merry
But what have you able company in the world—Faith! you shall done with the ladies? stay and pass a few days with us.
Mrs Burn. I left them at cards. Ur Barn. Methinks, now, this son of a whore Mar. Well, I'll wait upon them—but, madam, does the bonours of my house to a miracle ! let me desire you not to put yourself to any ex
Baron. I don't know what to say, but I should traordinary expence upon our accounts- -You be very glad you'd excuse me.
must consider we have more than one day to live Mar. Faith, I can't !
together. Baron. Dear marquis !
Mrs Barn. You are pleased to be merry, marMar. Egad, I won't !
quis. Baron. Well, since it must be so-But here Mar. Treat us without ceremony; good wine comes the lady of the family.
and poultry you have of your own; wild fowl
and fish are brought to your door.--You need Enter Mrs BARNARD.
not send abroad for any thing but a piece of butMar. Madam, let me present you to the flower clier's meat, or so- Let us have no extraordiof France.
[Exit. Baron. Madam, I shall think myself the hap- Mr Barn. If I had the feeding of you, a thunpiest person in the world in your ladyship’s ac-der-bolt should be your supper! quaintance ; and the little estate I have in this Mrs Barn. Husband, will you never change country, I esteem more than all the rest, because your humour? If you go on at this rate, it will it lies so near your ladyship.
be impossible to live with ye. Mr Barn. Sir, your most bumble servant. Mir Barn. Very true; for, in a little time, I
Hlar. Madam, the baron de Messy is the best shall have nothing to live humoured man in the world. I've prevailed with Mrs Burn. Do you know what a ridiculous fihim to give us his company a few days.
gure you inake? Mrs Barn. I'm sure you could not oblige Mr Mr Burn. You'll make a great deal „worse, Barnard or me more.
when you han't money enough to pay for the Mr Burn. That's a damned lie, I'm sure ! washing of your shifts.
[Aside. Mrs Barn. It seems you married me only to Baron. I'm sorry, madam, I can't accept of the dishonour me; How horrible is this ! honour-for it falls out so unluckily, that I've Mr Barn. I tell ye, you'll ruin me! Do you some ladies at my house, that I can't possibly know how much money you spend in a year? leave.
Mrs Barn. Not I, truly; I don't understand Mar. No matter, no matter, baron; you have arithmetic. ladies at your house, we have ladies at our house Mr Barn. Arithmetic! O lud, O lud! Is it so --let's join companies—Come, let's send for hard to comprehend, that he, who receives but them immediately—the more the merrier. sixpence, and spends a shilling, must be ruined
Mr Barn. An admirable expedient, truly ! in the end?
Baron. Well, since it must be so, I'll go for Mrs Barn. I never troubled my head with acthem myself.
counts, nor never will: But if ye did but know Mar. Make haste, dear baron; for we shall what ridiculous things the world says of yebe impatient for your return,
Mr Barn. Rot the world 'Twill say worse Baron. Madam, your most humble servant- of me when I'm in a jail ! But I won't take my leave of you, I shall be Mrs Barn. A very Christian-like saying, truly! back again immediately. Monsieur Barnard, Mr Barn. Don't tell me of Christian-Ads
bud! I'll turn Jew; and no body shall eat at my table that is not circumcised.
Enter LISETTA. Lis. Madam, there's the duchess of Twangdillo just fell down near our door; her coach was overturned.
Mrs Barn. I hope her grace has received no hurt?
Lis. No, madam; but her coach is broke.
Mr Burn. Then, there's a smith in town may mend it.
Lis. They say, 'twill require two or three days to fit it up again.
Mrs Barn. I'm glad on't, with all my heart ; for then I shall cnjoy the pleasure of her grace's good company, -I'll wait upon her, Mr Barn. Very fine doings this !
Maw. But, cousin, mother prays you, that
you'd order a little cock-broth for brother Janno Enter MR BARNARD.
and I, to be got ready as soon as may be. Mr Barn. HEAVEN be now iny comfort, for Jan. Ay, a-propos, cousin Barnard, that's true; my house is hell! (Starts.] Who's there? what my mother desires, that we may have some cockdo you want? who are you?
broth, to drink two or three times a-day between Enter Servant, with a portmanteau.
meals, for my sister and I are sick folks.
Maw. And some young chickens, too, the docSer. Sir, here's your cousin Janno, and cousin tor said, would bring us to our stomachs very Mawkin, come from Paris. Mr Barn. What a plague do they want? Jan. You fib, now, sister; it wau'nt young
chickens, so it wau'nt-it was plump partridges, Enter Janno, leading in Mawkin.
sure, the doctor said so. Jan. Come, sister, come along-0, here's Maw, Ay, so it was, brother. Come, let's cousin Barnard !- -Cousin Barnard, your ser- go in, and see our cousins. vant-Here's my sister Mawkin, and I, are come Jan. Ay, come along, sister-Cousin Barnard, to see you.
don't forget the cock-broth. Maw. Ay, cousin, here's brother Janno and I
(Exeunt Janno and Mawkin, are come from Paris to see you : Pray, how does Mr Barn. What the devil does all this mean cousin Mariamne do?
-Mother, and sister Flip, and little brother Jun. My sister and I wau’nt well at Paris; so Humphrey, and chickens, and partridges, and my father sent us here for two or three weeks to cock-broth, and fire from hell to dress them all! take a little country air. Mr Barn. You could not come to a worse
Enter Colin. place; for this is the worst air in the whole coun- Col. O measter, O measter!- You'll not chide ty.
to-day, as you are usen to do; no marry, will you Maw. Nay; I'm sure my father says it is the not : See, now, what it is to be wiser than one's best. Mr Barn. You father's a fool! I tell
'tis Mr Barn. What would this fool have? the worst.
Col. Why, thanks, and money to-boot, an folk Jan. Nay, cousin, I fancy your mistaken, were grateful. now; for I begin to find my stomach come to Mr Barn. What's the matter? me already; in a fortnight's time, you shall see Col. Why, the matter is, if you have good store how I'll lay about me.
your house, you have good store Mr Barn. I don't at all doubt it.
of meat to put in their bellies. Maw. Father would have sent sister Flip, and Mr Barn. How so? how so? little brother Humphrey; but the calash would Col. Why, a large and stately stag, with a pair not hold us all: and so they don't come till to- of horns on his bead, Heaven bless you! your morrow with mother.
worship might be seen to wear them- comes toJan. Come, sister, let's put up our things in wards our geat, a puffing and blawing like a cow our chamber; and, after you have washed my in hard labour-Now, says I to myself, says I, face, and put me on a clean neckcloth, we'll go if my measter refuse to let this fine youth come in, and see how our cousins do.
in--why, then he's a fool, d'ye see-So I opens Maw. Ay, come alony; we'll go and see cou- him the geat, pulls off my hat with both my honds, sin Mariamne.
aro said, you're welcome, kind sir, to our house. Jan. Cousin, we shan't give you much trouble ; Nir Barn. Well, well! one bed will serve us; for sister Markin and I Col. Well, well? ay, and so it is well, as you always lie together.
shall straight way find-So in he trots, and makes
directly towards our barn, and goes bounce, all this morning; they're now gone up to your bounce, against the door, as boldly as if he had wife's chamber. been measter on't- -he turns' en about, and Mr Barn. The devil go with them ! thawcks'n down in the straw; as who would say, Grif. There's but one way to get rid of this here will I lay me till to-morrow morning, plague, and that is, as I told you before, to set But he had no fool to deal with; for to the kit- your house on fire. chen goes I, and takes me down a musket, and, Mr Barn. That's doing myself an injury, not with a breace of balls, I hits'nı such a slap in the them. feace, that he ne'er spoke a word more to me.- Grif. There's dogs, horses, masters and serHave I done well or no, measter?
vants, all intend to stay here 'till to-morrow Mr Barn. Yes, you have done very well for morning, that they may be near the woods to
hunt the earlier-besides (I over-heard them) Col. But this was not all; for a parcel of dogs they're in a kind of plot against you. came yelping after their companion, as
Ár Barn. What did they say? pose; so I goes to the back yard-door, and as Grif. You'll be more angry if I should tell ye, many as came by, Shu, says I, and drove them in- than I am. to the gearden- -So there they are, as safe as
Mr Barn. Can I be more angry? in a pawnd-Ha, ha !
-But I can't but think Grif. They said then, that it was the greatest what a power of pasties we shall have at our pleasure in the world to ruin an old lawyer in house-Ha, ha!
[Exit Colin. the country, who had got an estate by ruining Mr Barn. I see Providence takes some care honest people in town. of me: this could never have happened in a bet- Mr Barn. There's rogues for ye! ter time.
Grif. I'm mistaken if they don't play you
some trick or other. Enter Cook.
Mr Barn. Hold, let me consider. Cook. Sir, sir! in the name of wonder, what do Grif. What are you doing? you mean? is it by your orders that all those Mr Barn. I'm conceiving; I shall bring forth dogs were let into the garden?
-oh, I have it ! it comes from Mr Barn. How !
hence; Wit was its father, and Invention its moCook. I believe there's forty or fifty dogs tear-ther: if I had thonght on't sooner, I should have ing up the lettuce and cabbage by the root. I be- been happy. lieve, before they have done, they'll rout up the Grif. What is it? whole garden.
Mr Barn. Come, come along, I say; you must Mr Barn. This is that rogue's doings. help me to put it in execution.
Cook. This was not all, sir; for three or four of them came into the kitchen, and tore half the
Enter LISETTA. meat off the spit that was for your worship’s sup- Lis. Sir, my mistress desires you to walk up; per.
she is not able, by herself, to pay the civilities Mr Barn. The very dogs plague me! due to so much good company;
Cook. And then there's a crew of hungry foot- Mr Barn. O the carrion! What, does she men who devoured what the dogs left; so that play her jests upon me, too but mum; he there's not a bit left for your worship's supper, laughs best that laughs last. not a scrap, not one morsel, sir ! [Exit Cook. Lis. What shall I tell her, sir ? will you come ?
Mr Barn. Sure I shall hit on some way to Mr Barn. Yes, yes; tell her I'll come with get rid of this crew !
[Ereunt Mr BARNARD and GRIFFARD. Enter Colin.
Lis. Nay, I don't wonder he should be angry
- they do try his patience, that's the truth on't Col. Sir, sir! here's the devil to do without yonder; a parcel of fellows swear they'll have
Enter MARIAMNE. our venison, and s'blead I swear they shall What, madam, have you left your mother and have none on't; so stand to your arms,' measter. the company?
Mr Barn. Ay, you've done finely, rogue, ras- Mar. So much tittle tattle makes my head cal, have you not?
(Beating him. ache; I don't wonder my father should not love Col. 'Shlead, I say they shan't have our veni- the country,; for, besides the expence he's at, he son. I'll die before I'll part with it. [Erit. never enjoys a minute's quiet.
Lis. But let's talk of your own affairs—have Enter GRIFFARD.
you writ to your lover?
Mar. No, for I have not had time since I saw Grif. Brother, there's some gentlemen within him. ask for you.
Lis. Now you have time, then, about it imMr Barn. What gentlemen! Who are they? mediately, for he's a sort of a desperate spark, Grif. The gentlemen that have been hunting and a body does not know what he may do, if he
pox to her!
should not hear from you; besides, you promised Mar. Very well. him, and you must behave yourself like a woman Char. So I went there, opened the gate, and of honour, and keep your word.
let him in--Mar. I'll about it this minute.
Mar. What then?
Char. Why, then be paid me the louis d'or, Enter CHARLY.
that's all. Char. Cousin, cousin, cousin ! where are you Mar. Why, that was honestly done. going? Come back, I have something to say to
Char. And then he talked to me of you. you.
Niar. But was this all ? Lis. What does this troublesome boy want ? Char. No, for he had a mind, you must know,
Char. What's that to you what I want? per- to win his louis d'or back again; so he laid me haps I have something to say to her that will another, that I dare not come back, and tell you make her laugh- -why sure! what need you that he was there-so, cousin, I hope you won't care?
let me lose, for if you don't go to him, and tell Mar. Don't snub my cousin Charly-well, him that I've won, he won't pay me. what is it?
Mar. What, would you have me go and speak Chur. Who do you think I met, as I was com- to a man? ing bere, but that handsome gentleman I've seen Char. Not for any harm, but to win your poor at church ogle you like any devil !
cousin a louis d'or. I'm sure you will for Mar. Hush! softly, cousin.
you're a modest young woman, and may go withLis. Not a word of that for your life. out danger. I'll swear you must.
Char. O, I know I should not speak on't be- Mar. What does the young rogue mean? I fore folks; you know I made signs to you above, swear I'll have you whipt. that I wanted to speak to you in private, didn't
[Exeunt Charly and MARIAM NE. I, cousin ? Mar. Yes, yes; I saw you.
Enter Colin. Char. You see I can keep a secret_I am no girl, mun- -I believe I could tell ye fitty,
Col. Ila, ha, ha! our old gentleman's a wag, and fifty to that of my sister Cicely she's i'faith! he'll be even with them for all this the devil of a girl! - -but she gives me money ha, ha, ha! and sugar-plumbs--and those that are kind to Lis. What's the matter? What does the fool me fare the better for it, you see, cousin. laugh at?
Mar. I always said my cousin Charly was a Col. We an't in our house now, Lisetta ; we're good-natured boy.
in an inn; ha, ha! Lis. Well, and did he know you?
Lis, Ilow in an inn? Char. Yes, I think he did know me-for be Col. Yes, in an inn; my measter bas gotten took me in his arms, and did so hug me and kiss an old rusty sword, and hung it up at our geat, me-between you and I, cousin, I believe he is and writ underneath with a piece of charcoal, one of the best friends I have in the world. with his own fair hand, . At the Sword Royal ;
Mar. Well, but what did he say to you? entertainment for man and horse :' ba, ha
Char. Why, he asked me where I was going- Lis. What whim is tbis? I told him I was comirg to see you-you’re a Col. Thou and I live at the Sword Royal, lying young rogue, says he, l'm sure you dare ha, hanot go see your cousin- -for, you must know Lis. I'll go tell my mistress of her father's my sister was with me, and it seems he took extravagance.
[Erit LISETTA, her for a crack, and I being a forward boy, he fancied I was going to make love to her under Enter MR BARXARD and GRIFFARD. a hedge, ha, ha! Mar. So
Mr Barn. Ha, ha! yes, I think this will do. Char. So he offered to lay me a louis d'or that Sirrah, you may now let in all the world; the I was not coming to you; so, done, says I- more the better. Done, says he-and so 'twas a bett, you know. Col. Yes, sir- -Odsflesh! we shall break Mar, Certainly
all the inns in the country
-For we have a Char. So, my sister's honour being concerned, breave handsome landlady, and a curious young and having a mind to win his louis d'or, d'ye see | lass to her daughter
-0, here comes my -I bid hiin follow me, that he might see whether young measter- -We'll make him ChamberI came in or no—but he said he'd wait for me at lain-ha, ha! the little garden gate that opens into the fields,
Enter DORANT. and if I would come through the house and meet him there, he should know by that whether I had Mr Barn. What's the matter, son? How comes been in or no,
it that you are alone? You used to do me they