Sim. Down on your knees down on your marrowbones---(this will make him think, I know nothing of the matter-bless his heart for teaching me)--down on your marrowbones! Gar. Get up, you fool! get up-dear heart, I'm all in a fermentation. Enter WINGATE, reading a newspaper. Win. [Reads.] Wanted, on good security, 'five hundred pounds, for which lawful interest will be given, and a good premium allowed. 'Whoever this may suit, enquire for S. T. at the 'Crown and Rolls, in Chancery-lane.' This may be worth looking after. I'll have a good premium; if the fellow's a fool, I'll fix my eye on him; other people's follies are an estate to the man that knows how to make himself useful. So, friend Gargle, you're up early, I see; nothing like rising early; nothing to be got by lying in bed, like a lubberly fellow-what's the matter with you? Ha, ha! You look like a -Ha, ha! Gar. O-no wonder-my daughter, my daugh ter! Win. Your daughter! What signifies a foolish Watch. Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morning. Hey-day! what's here! a ladder at Mr Gar-girl? gle's window? I must alarm the family: Ho! Mr Gargle? [Knocks at the door. Gar. [Above.What's the matter? How comes this window to be open! Ha! A ladder! Who's below, there? 1st Watch. I hope you an't robbed, Mr Gargle? As I was going my rounds, I found your window open. Gar. I fear this is some of that young dog's tricks; take away the ladder; I must enquire into all this. [Exit. Enter SIMON, like SCRUB. Sim. Thieves! Murder! Thieves! Popery! Gar. Oh, dear heart! dear heart! out of the window! Win. Fallen out of the window! Well, she was a woman, and 'tis no matter; if she's dead, she's provided for. Here, I found the bookcould not meet with it last night-here it isthere's more sense in it, than in all their Macbetlrs, and their trumpery-[Reads.]--Cocker's arithmetic-look ye here, now, friend Gargle--Suppose you have the sixteenth part of a ship, and I buy one fifth of you, what share of the ship do I buy? Gar. Oh, dear sir, 'tis a melancholy case Win. A melancholy case, indeed, to be so ignorant; why should not a man know every thing? one fifth of one sixteenth, what part have I of the whole? Let me see; I'll do it a short wayGar. Lost beyond redemption ! Win. Zookers! be quiet, man; you put me Sim. They broke in with fire and sword; out---Seven times seven is forty-nine, and six they'll be here this minute; five and forty-times twelve is seventy-two-and---and---and--a this will do charmingly-my young master taught here, friend Gargle, take the book, and give it me this. [Aside. that scoundrel of a fellow. 1st Watch. What, are there thieves in the house? Sim. With sword and pistol, sir; five and forty. Watch. Nay, then, 'tis time for me to go; for, mayhap, I may come to ha' the worst on't. Enter GARGLE. [Exit Watch. Gar. Dear heart! Dear heart! She's gone! She's gone! My daughter! My daughter! What's the fellow in such a fright for? Gur. Lord, sir, he's returned to his tricks. Win. Returned to his tricks! What, broke loose again? Gar. Ay; and carried off my daughter with him. Win. Carried off your daughter! How did the rascal contrive that? Gar. Ob, dear sir, the watch alarmed us a while ago, and I found a ladder at the window; SO, I suppose my young madam made her escape that way. Win. Wounds! What business had the fellow with your daughter? Gar. I wish I had never taken him into my house; he may debauch the poor girl Win. And suppose he does---she's a woman, an't she? Ha, ha! friend Gargle, ha, ha! Gar. Dear sir, how can you talk thus to a man distracted? Win. I'll never see the fellow's face. Win. What, are you in the secret, friend? Sim. To be sure; there be secrets in all families---but, for my part, I'll not speak a word pro or con, till there's a peace. Win. You won't speak, sirrah! I'll make you speak- -Do you know nothing of this numskull? Sim. Who, I, sir? He came home last night from your house, and went out again directly. Win. You saw him, then? Sim. Yes, sir; saw him to be sure, sir; he made me open the shop door for him; he stopped on the threshold, and pointed at one of the clouds, and asked me if it was not like an ouze!? Win. Like an ouzel? Wounds! What's an ouzel? Gar. Yes; who wants him? Por. Here's a letter for you. Gar. Let me see it. O dear heart!--[Reads.] To Mr Gargle at the Pestle and Mortar' 'Slidikins! this is a letter from that unfortunate young fellow Win. Let me see it, Gargle. Gar. A moment's patience, good Mr Wingate, and this may unravel all--[Reads.]--Poor young man! His brain is certainly turned; I can't inake head or tail of it. Win. Ha, ha! You're a pretty fellow! give it me, man---I'll make it out for you---'tis his hand, sure enough.---[Reads.] 6 'To Mr Gargle, &c. 'Most potent, grave, and reverend doctor, my very noble and approved good master! that I 'have taken away your daughter, it is most true, true I will marry her; 'tis true, 'tis pity, and pi ty 'tis, 'tis true.---What, in the name of common sense, is all this? I have done your shop some 'service, and you know it; no more of that! yet I could wish, that, at this time, I had not been Gar. And the young dog came back in the this thing.'---What can the fellow mean ?—- For dead of night to steal away my daughter! -I'll Win. I'll tell you what, friend Garglethink no more of the fellow---let him bite the bridle---I'll go mind my business, and not miss an opportunity. Gar. Good now, Mr Wingate, don't leave me in this affliction! consider, when the animal spirits are properly employed, the whole system's exhilarated, a proper circulation in the smaller ducts, or capillary vessels Win. Look ye there, now; the fellow's at his ducks again, ha, ha! Gur. But when the spirits are under influ ence Win. Ha, ha! What a fine fellow you are now! You're as mad with your physical nonsense, as my son with his Shakespeare and Ben Thompson Gar. Dear sir, let us go in quest of him; he shall be well phlebotomized; and, for the future, I'll keep his solids and fluids in proper balance Win. Don't tell me of your solids; I tell you | he'll never be solid: and so I'll go and mind my business-let me see, where is this chap-[ Reads.] ay, ay; at the Crown and Rolls--good morning, friend Gargle; don't plague yourself about the numskull; study fractions, man; vulgar fractions will carry you through the world; arithmetical proportion is, when the antecedent and consequent-a Enter a Porter. [Going. time may have yet one fated hour to come, which, winged with liberty, may overtake occa'sion past.'--Overtake occasion past! Time and tide waits for no man I expect redress from thy noble sorrows; thine and my poor country's ever. 'R. WINGATE.' Mad as a march hare! I have done with him. let him stay till the shoe pinches, a crack-brained numskull! Por. An't please ye, sir, I fancies the gentleman is a little beside himself; he took hold on me here by the collar, and called me villain, and bid me prove his wife a whore-Lord help him! I never seed the gentleman's spouse in my born days before. Gar. Is she with him now? Por. I believe so-There's a likely young woman with him, all in tears. Gar. My daughter, to be sure Win. Let the fellow go and be hangedWounds! I would not go the length of my arm to save the villain from the gallows. Where was he, friend, when he gave you this letter? Por. I fancy, master, the gentleman's under troubles-I brought it from a spunging-house. Win. From a spunging-house? Por. Yes, sir, in Grays-Inn-Lane. Win. Let him lie there, let him lie there-I am glad of it Gar. Do, my dear sir, let us step to himWin. No, not I, let him stay there-this it is to have a genius-ha, ha! a genius! ha, ha!Win. Who are you, pray? What do you a genius is a fine thing, indeed! ha, ha, ha! want? [Exit. Gar. Poor man! he has certainly a fever on Por. Is one Mr Gargle here? his spirits do you step in with me, honest man, till I slip on my coat, and, then, I'll go after this unfortunate boy. Por. Yes, sir; 'tis in Grays-Inn-lane. [Exeunt. SCENE IV-A spunging house; DICK and BAILIFF at a table, and CHARLOTTE sitting in a disconsolate manner by him. man Bail. Here's my service to you, young gentle-don't be uneasy; the debt is not much; why do you look so sad? Dick. Because captivity has robbed me of a just and dear diversion. Bail. Never look sulky at me. I never use any body ill. Come, it has been many a good man's lot; here's my service to you, but we've no liquor; come, we'll have the other bowl Dick. I've now not fifty ducats in the world -yet still I am in love, and pleased with ruin. Bail. What do you say? you've fifty shillings, I hope? then, in the fourth act, and then-O, Gemini, I have ten at least Dick. That will do swimmingly-I've a round dozen myself Come, now, begin you fancy me dead, and I think the same of you—now, mind[They stand in attitudes. Win. Only mind the villain! Char. Illusive shade of my beloved Lord! be happy. py. you shan't be hap [Knocks him down. Dick. [On the ground.] Perdition catch your arm! the chance is thine. Gar. So, my young madam! I have found you again. Dick. Capulet, forbear! Paris, let loose your hold-She is my wife—our hearts are twined together. Win. Sirrah, villain, I'll break every bone in your body [Strikes. Dick. Parents have flinty hearts; no tears can move them:- Children must be wretch Win. Get off the ground, you villain! get off the ground! Dick. 'Tis a pity there are no scene-drawers to lift me Dick. Now, thank Heaven! I'm not worth a groat. Bail. Then, there's no credit here, I can tell you that-you must get bail, or go to New-edgate- who do you think is to pay houserent for you? You see your friends won't come near you They've all answered in the old cant. I've promised my wife never to be bail for any body or, I've sworn not to do it,' or, I'd 'lend you the money if I had it, but desire to be excused from bailing any man.' The porter you just now sent, will bring the same answer, I warrant.- -Such poverty-struck devils as you stay in my house! you shall go to Quod, I can tell you that [Knocking at the door. Bail. Coming, coming; I am coming; I shall lodge you in Newgate, I promise you, before night- -not worth a groat! you're a fine fellow to stay in a man's house!- -You shall go to Quod. [Erit. Dick. Come, clear up, Charlotte, never mind this-come now-let us act the prison-scene in the mourning bride Win. A scoundrel, to rob your father! you rascal, I have a mind to break your head! Dick. What, like this? [Takes off his wig, and shews two patches on his head.] Win. 'Tis mighty well, young man-Zookers! I made my own fortune; and I'll take a boy out of the Blue-coat-hospital, and give him all I have. Look'e here, friend Gargle. You know, I am not a hard-hearted man. The scoundrel, you know, has robbed me; so, d'ye see, I won't hang him; I'll only transport the fellowAnd so, Mr Catchpole, you may take him to Newgate Gar. Well, but, dear sir, you know I always intended to marry my daughter into your family; and if you let the young man be ruined, my Char. How can you think of acting speeches, money must all go into another channel, when we're in such distress? Dick. Nay, but my dear angel Enter WINGATE and GARGLE. Win. How's that! into another channel!- Gar. Why no, sir; but your passions Gar. Hush! Do, dear sir, let us listen to him However, if you will but make the young gentle-I dare say he repents Win. Wounds! what clothes are those the fellow has on? Zookers, the scoundrel has robbed me. Dick. Come, now, we'll practise an attitudeHow many of them have you? Char. Let me see--one-two-three-and, man serve out the last year of his apprenticeship, you know I shall be giving over, and I may put him into all my practice. Win. Ha, ha! Why, if the blockhead would but get as many crabbed physical words from Hyppocrites and Allen, as he has from his nonsensical trumpery-ha, ha! I don't know, be Win. I must not let the cash slip through my hands [Aside.]. Look'e here, young man-I am the best-natured man in the world. How came this debt, friend? Bail. The gentleman gave his note at Bristol, I understands, where he boarded; 'tis but twenty pounds Win. Twenty pounds! Well, why don't you send to your friend Shakespeare now to bail you-ha, ha! I should like to see Shakespeare give bail--ha, ha! Mr Catchpole, will you take bail of Ben Thompson, and Shakespeare, and Odyssey Popes? Dick. Ay, that will be a hundred times in a season at least. Besides, it will be like a play, if I reform at the end. Sir, free me so far in your most generous thoughts, that I have shot my arrow over the house, and hurt my brother. Win. What do you say, friend? Char. Nay, but prithee now do it in plain English of Dick. Well, well, I will. He knows nothing metaphors---Sir, you shall find for the future, that we'll both endeavour to give you all the satisfaction in our power. Win. Very well, that's right; you may do very well. Friend Gargle, I am overjoyed Gur. Chearfulness, sir, is the principal ingredient in the composition of health. Win. Wounds, man! let us hear no more of your physic. Here, young man, put this book in your pocket, and let me see how soon you'll be master of vulgar fractions. Mr Catchpole, step home with me, and I'll pay you the money; you seem to be a notable sort of a fellow, Mr Catchpole; could you nab a man for me? Catch. Fast enough, sir, when I have the writ Win. Very well, come along. I lent a young Bail. No such people have been here, sir-gentleman a hundred pounds, a cool hundred he are they house-keepers? Dick. You do not come to mock my miseries? Gar. Hush, young man! you'll spoil allLet me speak to you- -How is your digestion? Dick. Throw physic to the dogs, I'll none of it Char. Nay, but dear Dick, for my sake- Win. That's right, lad; now you're rightand if you will but serve out your time, my friend Gargle, here, will make a man of you. Wounds! you'll have his daughter and all his money; and if I hear no more of your trumpery, and you mind your business, and stick to my little Charlotte, and make me a grandfather in my old days; egad, you shall have all mine, too; that is, when I am dead. Dick. Charlotte, that will do rarely, and we may go to the plays as often as we please Char. O, Gemini, it will be the purest thing in the world, and we'll see Romeo and Juliet every time it is acted. called it--ha, ha! it did not stay to cool with him. I had a good premium; but I shan't wait a moment for that-Come along, young mau ; What right have you to twenty pounds? give you twenty pounds! I never was obliged to my family for twenty pounds-but I'll say no more; if you have a mind to thrive in this world, make yourself useful is the golden rule. Dick. My dear Charlotte, as you are to be my reward, I'll be a new man Char. Well, now, I shall see how much you love me. Dick. It shall be my study to deserve you; and since we don't go on the stage, 'tis some comfort that the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. Some play the upper, some the under parts, And most assume what's foreign to their hearts; Thus, life is but a tragi-comic jest, [Exeunt omnes. VOL. III. 2 A AND I do constitute my very good friend, Giles Crab, esq. of St Martin's in the Fields, executor to this my will; and do appoint him 'guardian to my ward Lucinda; and do submit to his direction the management of all my af'fairs till the return of my son from his travels; 'whom I do entreat my said executor, in consi'deration of our ancient friendship, to advise, to counsel, &c. &c. JOHN BUCK.' A good, pretty legacy! Let's see; I find myself heir, by this generous devise of my very good friend, to ten actions at common law, nine suits in chancery; the conduct of a boy, bred a booby at home, and finished a fop abroad; together with the direction of a marriageable, and therefore an unmanageable, wench; and all this to an old fellow of sixty-six, who heartily hates business, is tired of the world, and despises every thing in it. Why, how the devil came I to merit Enter Servant. Ser. Mr Latitat of Staple's Inn. Crab. So, here begin my plagues. Shew the hound in. Enter LATITAT, with a bag, &c. Lat. I would, Mr Crab, have attended your summons immediately; but I was obliged to sign judgment in error at the common pleas; sue out of the exchequer a writ of quæ minus; and sur |