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Gar. I wish I had never taken him into my Gar. Yes; who wants biin? house; he may debauch the poor girl

Por. Here's a letter for you. Win. And suppose he doesn-she's a woman, Gar. Let me see it. o dear heart !--[Reads.] an't she? Ha, ha! friend Gargle, ha, ha! -- To Mr Gargle at the Pestle and Mortar'-

Gar. Dear sir, how can you talk thus to a 'Slidikins ! this is a letter from that unfortunate man distracted ?


fellowWin. I'll never see the fellow's face.

Win. Let me see it, Gargle. Sim. Secrets ! Secrets !

Gar. A moment's patience, good Mr Wingate, l'in. What are you in the secret, friend? and this may unravel all--[Reads.]--Poor young

Sim. To be sure; there be secrets in all fami- man ! His brain is certainly turned ; I can't lies---but, for my part, I'll not speak a word pro inake head or tail of it. or con, till there's a peace.

Win. Ha, ha! You're a pretty fellow! give it Win. You won't speak, sirrah ! I'll make you me, man---I'll make it out for you--o'tis his hand, speak -Do you know nothing of this num- sure enough.---[Reads.] skull? Sim. Who, I, sir? He came home last night

• To Mr Gargle, &c. from your house, and went out again directly. Most potent, grave, and reverend doctor, my Win. You saw him, then?

very noble and approved good master ! that I Sim. Yes, sir ; saw him to be sure, sir; he ' have taken away your daughter, it is most true, made me open the shop door for him; he stop- true I will marry her; 'tis true, 'tis pity, and piped on the threshold, and pointed at one of the ty 'tis, 'tis true.'---What, in the name of common clouds, and asked me if it was not like an ouzel? sense, is all this?--'I have done your shop some

Win. Like an ouzel ? Wounds! What's an service, and you know it; no more of that! yet ouzel?

• I could wish, that, at this time, I had not been Gur. And the young dog came back in the this thing. ---What can the fellow mean? -- For dead of night to steal away my daughter ! time may have yet one fated hour to come,

Win. I'll tell you what, friend Gargle- -I'll which, winged with liberty, may overtake occathink no more of the fellow---let him bite thesion past.-- Overtake occasion past! Time and bridle.--I'll go mind my business, and not miss tide waits for no man--' I expect redress from an opportunity.

thy noble sorrows; thine and my poor counGur. Good now, Mr Wingate, don't leave me try's ever. in this affliction ! consider, when the animal spi

R. WINGATE. rits are properly employed, the whole system's cxhilarated, a proper circulation in the smaller Mad as a march hare! I have done with him. ducts, or capillary vessels

let himn stay till the shoe pinches, a crack-brainWin. Look ye there, now; the fellow's at his ed numskull! ducks agaio, ha, ha!

Por. An't please ye, sir, I fancies the gentleGur. But when the spirits are under influ- man is a little beside himself; he took hold on

me here by the collar, and called me villain, and Win. Ha, ha! What a fine fellow you are bid me prove his wife a whore-Lord help now! You're as mad with your physical non- him! I never seed the gentleman's spouse in my sense, as my son with his Shakespeare and Ben born days before. Thompson

Gar. Is she with him now? Gar. Dear sir, let us go in quest of him; he Por. I believe so—There's a likely young shall be well phlebotomized; and, for the fu- woman with him, all in tears. ture, I'll keep his solids and Auids in


ba- Gar. My daughter, to be surelance

Win. Let the fellow go and be hanged liin. Don't tell me of your solids; I tell you Wounds! I would not go the length of my arm to be'll never be solid : and so I'll go and mind iny sare the villain from the gallows. Where was business—let me sce, where is this chap—Reads.] he, friend, when he gave you this letter? ---ay, ay; at the Crown and Rolls---good morn- Por. I fancy, master, the gentleman's under ing, friend Gargle; don't plague yourself about troubles--I brought it from a spunging-house. the numskull; study fractions, man; vulgar frac- Win. From a spunging-house? tions will carry you through the world; arithme- Por. Yes, sir, in Grays-Inn-Lane. tical proportion is, when the antecedent and con- Win. Let hiin lie there, let him lie there-I sequenta

(Going. am glad of it

Gar. Do, iny dear sir, let us step to himEnter a Porter.

Hin. No, not I, let him stay there—this it is

to have a genius-ha, ha! a genius! ha, ha!Win. Who are you, pray? What do you a genius is a fine thing, indeed! ha, ha, ha! want?

[Erit. Por. Is one Mr Gargle here?

Gar. Poor min! he has certainly a fever on



you that

his spirits—do you step in with me, honest man, then, in the fourth act, and then-0, Gemini, I till I slip on my coat, and, then, I'll go after this have ten at least unfortunate boy.

Dick. That will do swimmingly, I've a round Por. Yes, sir; 'tis in Grays-Inn-lane.

dozen myself—Come, now, begin- you fancy [Exeunt. me dead, and I think the same of you—now, mind

(They stand in attitudes. SCENE IV.--A spunging house ; Dick and Bar- Win. Only mind the villain !

Liff at a table, and CHARLOTTE sitting in a Dick. O'thou soft fleeting form of Lindadisconsolate manner by him.


Char. Illusive shade of my beloved Lord ! Bail. Here's my service to you, young gentle- Dick. She lives,' she speaks, and we shall still -don't be uneasy; the debt is not

be happy: much; why do you look so sad?

Win. You lie, you villain! you shan't be hapDick. Because captivity has robbed me of a just py. and dear diversion.

[Knocks him down. Bail. Never look sulky at me. I never use any Dick. [On the ground.] Perdition catch your body ill. Come, it has been many a good man's arm! the chunce is thine. lot; here's my service to you, but we've no li- Gur. So, my young madam ! I have found you quor; come, we'll have the other bowl

again. Dick. I've now not fifty ducats in the world Dick. Capulet, forbear! Paris

, let loose your - yet still I am in love, and pleased with ruin. holdShe is my wife our hearts are twined to

Bail. What do you say? you've fifty shillings, gether. I hope?

Win. Sirrah, villain, I'll break every bone in Dick. Now, thank Heaven! I'm not worth a your body,

Strikes. groat.

Dick. Parents have flinty hearts; no tears Bail. Then, there's no credit here, I can tell can move them: Children must be wretch

- you must get bail, or go to New-edgate- -who do you think is to pay house- Win. Get off the ground, you villain! get off rent for you? You see your friends won't come the ground! near you—They've all answered in the old cant. Dick. 'Tis a pity there are no scene-drawers • I've promised my wife never to be bail for any

to lift me• body.' or, I've sworn not to do it,' or, I'd M'in. A scoundrel, to rob your father! you . lend you the money if I had it, but desire to be rascal, I have a mind to break your head ! 'excused from bailing any manThe porter Dick. What, like this? you just now sent, will bring the same answer, I [Takes off his wig, and shews two patches on warrant.-- Such poverty-struck devils as you

his head.] stay

house !


shall go to Quod, I cau Win. 'Tis mighty well, young man- 1-Zookers ! tell you that

I made my own fortune; and I'll take a boy out [Knocking at the door. of the Blue-coat-hospital, and give him all I Bail. Coming, coming ; I am coming; I shall have. Look'e here, friend Gargle. You know, I lodge you in Newgate, I promise you, before am not a hard-hearted man. The scoundrel, you night- not worth a groat! you're a fine know, has robbed me; so, d'ye see, I won't fellow to stay in a man's house ! - You shall hang him; I'll only transport the fellowgo to Quod.

[Exit. And so, Mr Catchpole, you may take him to Dick. Come, clear up, Charlotte, nerer inind Newgatethis

let us act the prison-scene Gar. Well, but, dear sir, you know I always in the mourning bride

intended to marry my daughter into your


ly; and if you let the young man be ruined, my Char. How can you think of acting speeches, money must all go into another channel. when we're in such distress?

Win. How's that! into another channel! Dick. Nay, but my dear angel

Must not lose the bandling of his money

Why, I told you, friend Gargle, I am not a hardEnter WINGATE and GARGLE,

hearted man.

Gar. Why no, sir; but your passionsGar. Hush! Do, 'dear sir, let us listen to him However, if you will but make the young gentleI dare say he repents

man serve out the last year of his apprenticeship, Win. Wounds! what clothes are those the you know I shall be giving over, and I may put fellow has on? Zookers, the scoundrel has rob-him into all my practice.

Win. Ha, ha! Why, if the blockhead would Dick. Come, now, we'll practise an attitude~ but get as many crabbed physical words from Ilow many of them have you ?

Hyppocrites and Allen, as he has from his nonChar. Let me see--one-wo-three-and, sensical trumpery--ha, ha! I don't know, bee



come now

bed me.

tween you and I, but he might pass for a very Dick. Ay, that will be a hundred times in a good physician.

season at least. Besides, it will be like a play, Dick. And must I leave thee, Juliet?' if I reform at the end. Sir, free me so far in

Char. Nay, but, prithee now, have done with your most generous thoughts, that I have shot your speeches. You see we are brought to the my arrow over the house, and hurt my

brother. İast distress, and so you had better make it up- Win. What do you say, friend?

[Aside to Dick. Char. Nay, but prithee now do it in plain Dick. Why, for your sake, my dear, I could Englishalmost find in my heart

Dick. Well, well, I will. IIe knows nothing Win. You'll settle your money on your daugh- of metaphors----Sir, you shall find for the futer?

ture, that we'll both endeavour to give you all Gar. You know it was always my inten- the satisfaction in our power. tion

Win. Very well, that's right; you may do very Win. I must not let the cash slip through my well. Friend Gargle, I am overjoyedhands (Aside.]. Look'e here, young man.

I Gur. Cheariulness, sir, is the principal ingream the best-natured man in the world. How dient in the composition of health. came this debt, friend?

lin. Wounds, man! let us hcar no more of Bail. The gentleman gave his note at Bristol, your physic. Ilcre, young man, put this book in I understands, where he boarded; 'tis but twen- your pocket, and let me see how soon you'll be ty pounds

master of vulgar fractions.

Mr Catchpole, step Win. Twenty pounds! Well, why don't you home with me, and I'll pay you the money; you send to your friend Shakespeare now to bail seem to be a notable sort of a fellow, Mr Catchyou- -ha, ha! I should like to see Shakes- pole; could you nab a man for me? peare give bail---lia, ha! Mr Catchpole, will you Catuh. Fast enough, sir, when I have the take bail of Ben Thompson, and Shakespcare, writand Odyssey Popes ?

Win. Very well, come along. I lent a young Bail. No such people have been here, sir- gentleman a hundred pounds, a cool hundred he are they house-keepers?

called it---ha, ha! it did not stay to cool with Dick. You do not come to mock my mise- bim. I had a good premium; but I shan't wait ries?

a moment for that--Come along, young mau; Gar. Hush, young man! you'll spoil all- What right have you to twency pounds ? give Let me speak to you- -How is your digestion ? | you twenty pounds! I never was obliged to

Dick. Throw physic to the dogs, I'll none of my family for twenty pounds—but I'll say no it

more; if you bave a mind to thrive in this Char. Nay, but dear Dick, for my sake- world, make yourself useful is the golden rule. l'in. What says he, Gargle?

Dick. My dear Charlotte, as you are to be Gar. He repents, sir-he'll reform

reward, I'll be a new man Win. That's right, lad; now you're right- Char. Well, now, I shall see how much you and if you will but serve out your time, my love me. friend Gargle, here, will make a man of you. Dick. It shall be my study to deserve you; Wounds ! you'll have his daughter and all his and since we don't go on the stage, 'tis some money; and if I hear no inore of your trumpe- comfort that the world's a stage, and all the ry, and you mind your business, and stick to my men and women merely players. little Charlotte, and make me a grandfather in my old days; egad, you shall have all inine, too; Some play the upper, some the under parts, that is, when I am dead.

And most assume what's foreign to their Dick. Charlotte, that will do rarely, and we hearts; may go to the plays as often as we please

Thus, life is but a tragi-comic jest, Char. O, Gemini, it will be the purest thing And all is farce and muminery at best. in the world, and we'll see Romeo and Juliet

[E.reunt omnes. every time it is acted.

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at home, and finished a fop abroad; together SCENE I.

with the direction of a marriageable, and there

fore an unmanageable, wench ; and all this to Crab discovered reading.

an old fellow of sixty-six, who heartily hates bu

siness, is tired of the world, and despises every 'And I do constitute my very good friend, thing in it. Why, how the devil came 1 to me Giles Crab, esq. of St Martin's in the Fields, ritexecutor to this my will; and do appoint him

Enter Servant. 'guardian to my ward Lucinda; and do submit "to his direction the management of all my af- Ser.. Mr Latitat of Staple's Inn. « fairs till the return of my son from his travels; Crab. So, here begin my plagues. Shew the whom I do entreat my said executor, in consi- hound in.

deration of our ancient friendship, to advise, to "counsel, &c. &c.

John Buck.'

Enter Latitat, with a bag, &c. A good, pretty legacy! Let's see; I find myself Lat. I would, Mr Crab, have attended your heir, by this generous devise of my very good summons immediatcly; but I was obliged to sign friend, to ten actions at common law, nine suits judgment in error at the common pleas; sue out in chancery; the conduct of a boy, bred a booby of the exchequer a writ of quæ minus ; and sur

to do?



render in banco regi the defendant, before the Crab. Mercy, good six and eightpence! return of sci fa, to discharge the bail.

Lat. The defence, and offence, the by which, Crab. Prithee, man, none of thy unintelligible and the whereby, the statute common, and cuslaw-jargon to me; but tell me, in the language tomary : or, as Plowden classically and elegantly of common sense and thy country, what I ain expresses it, 'tis Lat. Why, Mr Crab, as you are already pos- Hæc tria jus statuunt terra Britannia tibi.

Mos commune vetus mores, consulta, senatus, sessed of a probat, and letters of adininistration de bonis are granted, you may sue or be Crab. Zounds, sir, among all your laws, are sued. I hold it sound doctrine for no executor there none to protect a man in his own house? to discharge debts, without a receipt upon record; Lat. Sir, a man's house is his castellum, his this can be obtained by no means but by an ac-castle; and so tender is the law of any infringetion. Now actions, sir, are of various kinds : ment of that sacred right, that any attempt to There are special actions; actions on the case, invade it by force, fraud, or violence, clandesor assumpsits; actions of trover; actions of tinely, or vi et armis, is not only deemed felonious, clausum fregit; actions of battery, actions of- but burglarious. Now, sir, a burglary may be

Crab. "Hey, the devil, where's the fellow run- committed, either upon the dwelling, or the cutning now? But hark'e, Latitat, why I thought house. all our law-proceedings were directed to be in Crab. O lud! O lud! English? Lat. True, Mr Crab.

Enter Servant. Crub. And what do you call all this stuff, ha? Ser. Your clerk, sir-The parties, he says, are Lat. English.

all in waiting at your chambers. Crab. The devil do !

Lat. I come. I will but just explain to Mr Lat. Vernacular! upon my honour, Mr Crab. Crab the nature of a burglary, as it has been deFor as lord Coke describes the common law to scribed by a late statute. be the perfection

Crab. Zounds, sir! I have not the least curioCrab. So here's a fresh deluge of impertinence. sity. A truce to thy authorities, I beg; and as I find Lat. Sir, but every gentleman should knowit will be impossible to understand thee without Crab. Dear sir, be gone. an interpreter, if you will meet me at five, at Lat. But by the late acts of parMr Brief's chambers, why, if you have any thing Crab. Help, you dog! Zounds ! sir, get out of to say, he will translate it for me.


house! Lat. Mr Brief, şir, and translate, sir! Sir, I Ser. Your clients, sirwould have you to know, that no practitioner in Crab. Push him out! [The lawyer talking all Westminster-hall gives clearer

the while.] So ho! Hark'e, rascal, if you suffer Crab. Sir, I believe it for which reason I that fellow to enter my doors again, I'll strip and have referred you to a man who never goes into discard you the very next minute. [Erit SerWestminster-hall.

vant.] This is but the beginning of my torments. Lat. A bad proof of his practice, Mr Crab. But that I expect the young whelp from abroad

Crab. A good one of his principles, Mr Lati- every instant, l’d fly for it myself, and quit the tat.

kingdom at once.
Lat. Why’sir, do you think that a lawyer-
Crab. Zounds, sir! I never thought about a

Enter Servant. lawyer. The law is an oracular idol, you are the Ser. My young master's travelling tutor, sir, explanatory ministers; nor should any of my just arrived. own private concerns have made me bow to your Crab. Oh, then I suppose the blockhead of a beastly Baal. I had rather lose a cause than baronet is close at his heels. Shew him in. This contest it. And had not this old doating dunce, bear-leader, I reckon now, is either the clumsy sir John Buck, plagued me with the management curate of the knight's parish church, or some of his money, and the care of his booby boy, reedy Highlander, the outcast of his country, bedlam should sooner have had me than the bar. who, with the pride of a German baron, the pn

Lat. Bedlam! the bar! Since, sir, I an pro- verty of a French marquis, the address of a Swiss voked, I don't know what your choice may be, soldier, and the learning of an academy-usher, or what your friends may choose for you: I wish is to give our heir-apparent politeness, taste, I was your prochain ami : But I am under some literature-a perfect knowledge of the world, doubts as to the sanity of the testator, otherwise and of himself. he could not have chosen for his executor, under the sanction of the law, a person who despises

Enter MACRUTHEN. the law. And the law, give me leave to tell you, Mr Crab, is the bulwark, the fence, the protec- Mac. Maister Crab, I am your devoted sertion, the sine qua non, the ne plus ultra


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