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Sharp. Why, madam, as I came out but now, Sharp. Heavens and my impudence be praised ! to make preparation for you and your company to-night, Mrs Pry-about, the attorney's wife, at Kitty. Why not, madam? If you are not guilnext door, calls to me; . Hark'e, fellow,' says she, ty, face
your accusess. do you and your modest master know, that my Sharp. Oh the devil! ruined again! [Aside.] husband shall indict your house at the next To be sure, face them by all means, madam parish meeting for a nuisance ?
They can but be abusive, and break the windows Mel. A nuisance !
a littleBesides, madam, I have thought of a Sharp. I said so-A nuisance ! I believe, way to make this affair quite diyerțing to you-I nove in the neighbourhood live with more de- have a fine blunderbuss, charged with half a cency, and regularity than I and my master hundred slugs, and my master has a delicate -as is really the case — Decency and regulari- large Swiss broad sword; and between us, ma' ty ! cries she, with a sneer -- why, sirrah, does dam, we shall so pepper and slice them, that you not my window look into your master's bed- will die with laughing. * chamber? and did not he bring in a certain la- Mel. What, at murder?
dy such a day?' describing you, madam. “And Kitty. Don't fear, madam; there will be no did not I see
murder if Sharp's concerned, Mel. See! 0, scandalous! What?
Sharp. Murder, madam! 'Tis self-defence. Sharp. Modesty requires my silence.
Besides, in these sort of skirmishes, there are Mel. Did not you contradict her?
never more than two or three killed: for, suppoSharp. Contradict her! Why, I told her, I sing they bring the whole body of militia upon was sure she lied! for, zounds! said I, (for I us, down but with a brace of them, and away fly could not help swearing) I am so well convinced the rest of the covey. of the lady's and my master's prudence, that I am Mel. Persuade me ever so much, I won't go; sure, had they a mind to amuse themselves, they that's my resolution. would certainly have drawn the window-cur- Kitty. Why, then, I'll tell you what, madam; tains.
since you are resolved not to go to the supper, Mel. What, did you say nothing else? Did suppose the supper was to come to you? "Tis a not you convince her of her error and imperti- great pity such preparations as Mr Sharp has pence?
made should be thrown away. Sharp. She swore to such things, that I could Sharp. So it is, ás you say, Mrs Kitty. But I do nothing but swear and call names; upon can immediately run back, and unbespeak what I which, out bolts her husband upon me with a fine have ordered; 'tis soon done. taper crab in his hand, and fell upon me with Mel. But then, what excuse can I send to such violence, that, being half delirious, I made your master? he'll be very uneasy at my not coa full confession.
ming. Mel. A full confession! What did you con- Sharp. Oh, terribly są! byt I have it—I'll tell fess?
him you are very much out of order-that you Sharp. That my master loved fornication were suddenly taken with the vapours or qualms, that you had no aversion to it—that Mrs Kitty or what you please, madam. was a bawd, and your humble servant a pimp. Mel. I'll leave it to you, Sharp, to make my
Kitty. A bawd! a bawd! Do I look like a apology; and there's half-a-guinea for you to bawd, madam?
lielp your invention. Sharp. And so, madam, in the scuftse, my Sharp. Half-a-guinea ! Tis so long since I coat was tora to pieces, as well as your reputa- had any thing to do with money, that I scarcely tion,
know the current coin of my own country.-Mel. And so you joined to make me infa- Oh, Sharp, what talents hast thou! to secure thy mous !
master, deceive his mistress, outlje her chamberSharp. For Heaven's sake, madam, what could maid, and yet be paid for thy honesty! But my I do! His proofs fell so thick upon me, as wit-joy will discover me. [Aside.] Madam, you have ness my head (Shewing his head plaistered.], eternally fixed Timothy Sharp, your most obedithat I would have given up all the maidenheads ent humble servant- Oh the delights of imin the kingdom, rather than have my brains beat pudence, and a good understanding! to a jeliy.
[Erit SHARP. Mel. Very well ! but I'll be revenged- -And Kitty. Ha, ha, ha! was there ever such a lydid not you tell your master of this
ing varlet! with his slugs, and his broad swords, Sharp. Tell him! No, madam. Had I told his attorneys, and broken heads, and nonsense ! him, his love is so violent for you, that he would Well, mądam, are you satisfied now? Do you certainly have murdered half the attornies in want more proofs ? town by this time.
Mel. Of your modesty I do: But, I find you Mel. Very well! But I am resolved not te go are resolved to give me none. to your master's to-night.
Mel. I see through your little mean artifice : Mel. Don't be a fool. What do you want? you are endeavouring to lessen Mr Gayless in Kitty. There is a servaut just come out of the iny opinion, because he has not paid you for ser-country, says he belongs to sir William Gayless, vices he had no occasion for.
and has got a letter for you from his master upKitty. Pay me, madam! I am sure I have on very urgent business. very little occasion to be angry with Mr Gayless Mei. Sir William Gayless? What can this for not paying me, when I believe 'tis his general mean? Where is the man? practice.
Kitty. In the little parlour, madam. Mel. 'Tis false! he's a gentleman, and a man Mel. I'll go to bim-My heart flutters strangeof honour, and you are
ly. Kitty. Not in love, I thank Heaven !
Erit. [Curtseying. Kitty. Oh, woman, woman! foolish woman Mel. You are a fool.
she'll certainly have this Gayless; nay, were she Kitty. I have been in love; but I am much as well convinced of his poverty as I am, she wiser now
would have him. A strong dose of love is worse Mel. Hold your tongue, impertinence ! than one of ratafia; when it once gets into our
Kitty. That is the severest thing she has said heads, it trips up our heels, and then good night yet.
[Aside. to discretion. Here is she going to throw away Mel. Leave me.
fifteen thousand pounds! upon what? Faith, litKitty. Oh this love, this love is the devil! tle better than nothing. He's a man, and that's
[Erıt Kitty. all-and, Heaven knows, inere man is but small Mel. We discover our weaknessess to our ser-consolation ! vants, make themour confidants, put them upon an equality with us, and so they become our advi- Be this advice pursued by each fond maid, sers. Sharp's behaviour, though I seemed to dis- Ne'er slight the substance for an empty shade : regard it, makes me tremble with apprehensions ! Rich weighty sparks alone should please and and, though I have pretended to be angry with Kitty for her advice, I think it of too much con- For should spouse cool, his gold will always sequence to be neglected.
[Erit. Enter Kitty. Kitty. May I speak, madam?
charm ye :
Sharp. No more she did, sir, till I told her.
Gay. Very well; and was this your skill and Enter GAYLESS and SHARP.
Sharp. I was going to tell you; but you won't Gay. Prithee be serious, Sharp. Hast thou hear reason: my melancholy face and piteous really succeeded ?
narration, had such an effect upon her generous Sharp: To our wishes, sir. In short, I have bowels, that she freely forgives all that's past. managed the business with such skill and dexte- Gay. Does she, Sharp? rity, that neither your circumstances nor my ve- Sharp. Yes, and desires never to see your face racity are suspected.
again; and, as a farther consideration for so doGay, But how hast thou excused me from the ing, she has sent you half-a-guinea. ball and entertainment?
[Shows the money. Sharp. Beyond expectation, sir-But in that Gay. What do you mean? particular, I was obliged to have recourse to truth, Sharp. To spend it, spend it, and regale. and declare the real situation of your affairs. I Gay. Villain! you have undone me! told her, we had so long disused ourselves to Sharp. What! by bringing you money, when dressing either dinners or suppers, that I was you are not worth a farthing in the whole world afraid we should be but aukward in our prepara- Well, well, then, to make you happy again, I'll tions. In short, sir,-at that instant, a cursed keep it myself; and wish somebody would take gnawing seized 'my stomach, that I could not fit in their head to load me with such misforhelp telling her, that both you and myself seldom tunes.
(Puts up the money. make a good meal, now-a-days, once in a quarter Gay. Do you laugh at me, rascal?
Sharp. Who deserves more to be laughed at? Gay. Hell and confusion! have you betrayed ha, ha, ha! Never for the future, sir, dispute me, villain? Did you not tell me this moment, she the success of my negotiations; when even you, did not in the least suspect my circumstances? who know me so well, can't help swallowing my GARRICK.]
of a year.
hook. Why, sir, I could have played with you do? my mistress will have it so; and Mrs Gád-
Sharp. Then my master must be ruined, in
[Aside, ling me?
Gay. [Aside to Sharp.) 'Tis all over, Sharp! Sharp. A downright lie from beginning to Sharp. I know it, sir. end !
Gay. I shall go distracted! what shall I do? Gay. And have you really excused me to her? Sharp. Why, sir, as our rooms are a little out
Sharp. No, sir; but I have got this half-guinea of furniture at present, take them into the capto make her excuses to you! and instead of a tain's that lodges here, and set them down to confederacy between you and me to deceive her, cards : if be should come in the mean time, I'll she thinks she has brought me over to put the excuse you to him.
Aside. deceit upon you.
Kitty. I have disconcerted their affairs, I find; Gay. Thou excellent fellow !
I'll here some sport with them. Pray, Mr Gayless, Sharp. Don't lose time, but slip out of the don't order too many things: they only make you house immediately; the back way, I believe, will a friendly visit; the more ceremony, you know, be the safest for you, and to her as fast as you the less welcome. Pray, sir, let me entreat you can; pretend vast surprise and concern, that her not to be profuse. If I can be of service, pray indisposition has debarred you the pleasure of command me; my mistress has sent me on purher company here to-night. You need know no pose: while Mr Sharp is doing the business withmore; away.
out doors, I may be employed within. If you'll Gay. But what shall we do, Sharp? Here's her lend me the keys of your side-board (To Sharp), maid again.
I'll dispose of your plate to the best advantage. Sharp. The devil she is !- -I wish I could poi- Sharp. Thank you, Mrs Kitty; but it is disposon her : for I'm sure, while she lives, I can ne- sed of already.
(Knocking at the door. ver prosper.
Kitty. Bless me, the compauy's come ! I'll go
to the door, and conduct them into your presence. Enter Kitty.
Sharp. If you'd conduct them into a horseKitty. Your door was open; so I did not stand pond, and wait on them there yourself, we should upon ceremony.
be more obliged to you. Gay. I am sorry to hear your mistress is taken Gay. I can never support this. so suddenly.—
Sharp. Rouse your spirits, and put on an air Kitty. Vapours, vapours only, sir; a few ma- of gaiety, and I don't despair of bringing you off trimonial omens, that's all; but I
Mr yet. Sharp has made her excuses:
Gay. Your words have done it effectually. Gay. And tells me, I can't have the pleasure of her conspany to-night. I had made a small Enter Mrs GAD-ABOUT, MR GUTTLE, Mr Trippreparation; but 'tis no matter : Sharp shall go
PET, and Mrs TRIPPET.
Gad. Ah, my dear Mr Gayless !
[Kisses him. was sensible you must have provided for her and Gay. My dear widow!
(Kisses her. the rest of the company; so she is resolved, Gad. We are come to give you joy, Mr Gaythough she can't, the other ladies and gentlemen less ! shall partake of your entertainment; she's very Sharp. You never was more mistaken in your good-natured.
[Aside, Sharp. I had better run, and let them know Gad. I have brought some company here, I 'ris deferred,
[Going. believe, is not well known to you; and I protest Kitty. (Stopping him.] I have been with them I have been all about the town to get the little I already, and told them my mistress insists upon haveMr Guttle, sir, Mr Gayless;-Mr Gaytheir coming, and they have all promised to be less, justice Guttle. here; so, pray, don't be under any apprehensions Sharp. Oh, destruction ! one of the quorum. that your preparations will be thrown away. Gut. Hem! Though I had not the honour of
Gay. But as I can't have her company, Mrs any personal knowledge of you, yet, at the instiKitty, 'twill be a greater pleasure to me, and a gation of Mrs Gadabout, I have, without any greater compliment to her, to defer our mirth; previous acquaintance with you, throwed aside all besides, I can't enjoy any thing at present, and ceremony, to let you know, that I joy to hear she not partake of it.
the soleingization of your nuptials is so near at Kitty. Oh, no! to be sure; but what can I hand.
Gay. Sir, though I cannot answer you with the cards; and now what have you to propose ? same elocution, however, sir, I thank you with Sharp. I have one scheme left, which, in all the same sincerity.
probability, may succeed. The good citizen, overGad. Mr and Mrs Trippet, sir; the properest loaded with his last meal, is taking a nap in that lady in the world for your purpose, for she'll closet, in order to get him an appetite for yours. dance for four and twenty hours together. Suppose, sir, we should make him treat us. Trip. My dear Charles, I am very angry
with Gay. I don't undersand you. you, faith; so near marriage, and not let me Sharp. I'll pick his pocket, and provide us a know ! 'twas barbarous : you thought, I suppose, supper with the booty: I should rally you upon it; but dear Mrs Trippet Gay. Monstrous ! for without considering the here has long ago eradicated all my antimatri- villany of it, the danger of waking him makes it monial principles.
impracticable! Mrs Trip. I eradicate ! fie, Mr Trippet ! don't Sharp. If he awakes, I'll smother him, and lay be so obscene.
his death to indigestion-a very common death Kitty. Pray, ladies, walk into the next room; among the justices. Mr Sharp can't lay bis cloth till you are set down Gay. Prithee be serious; we have no time to to cards.
lose : can you invent nothing to drive them out Gad. One thing I had quite forgot, Mr Gay- of the house? Jess : : my nephew, whom you never saw, will be Sharp, I can fire it. in town from France presently; so I left word to Gay. Shaine and confusion so perplex me I send him here immediately to make one. cannot give myself a moment's thought. Gay. You do me honour, madam.
Sharp. I have it; did not Mrs Gad-about say Sharp. Do the ladies choose cards, or the sup her nephew would be here?
Gay. She did. Gay. Supper! what does the fellow mean? Sharp. Say no more, but in to your company :
Gut. Oh! the supper by ali means; for Iif I don't send them out of the house for the have eaten nothing to signify since dinner. night, I'll at least frighten their stomachs away; Sharp. Nor I, since last Monday was a fort and if this stratagem fails, I'll relinquish politics
[.Aside. and think my understanding no better than my Gay. Pray, ladies, walk into the next room : neighbour's. Sharp, get things ready for supper, and call Gay. How shall I reward thee, Sharp? the music.
Sharp. By your silence and obedience : away Sharp. Well said, master !
to your company, sir. (Erit GAYLESS.}Now, Gad. Without ceremony, ladies.
dear madam Fortune, for once open your eyes,
[Ereunt ladies. and behold a poor unfortunate man of parts adKitty. I'll go to my mistress, and let her know dressing you : now is your time to convince your every thing is ready for her appearance. foes you are not that blind, whimsical whore,
[Exit Kitty. they take you for; but let them see, by your as
sisting me, that men of sense, as well as fools, Enter GUTTLE and SHARP.
are sometimes intitled to your favour and protecGut. Pray, Mr What's-your-name, don't be long tion. So much for prayer; now for a great with supper : But harkee, what can I do in the noise and a lie. [Goes aside, and cries out.] Help, mean time? Suppose you get me a pipe and some help, master! help, gentlemen, ladies! Murder, good wine ; I'll try to divert myself that way till fire, brimstone ?- -Holp, help, help! supper's ready
Sharp. Or suppose, sir, you was to take a nap Enter MR GAYLESS and the ladies with cards in till then; there's a very easy couch in that closet. their hands, and SHARP enters, running, and
Gut. The best thing in the world; I'll take meets them. your advice; but be sure you wake me when sup- Gay. What's the matter? per is ready.
[Erit GUTTLE. Sharp. Matter, sir! if you don't run this miSharp. Pray heaven, you may not wake till nute with that gentleman, this lady's nephew wil then-What a fine situation my master is in at be murdered! I am sure it was be; he was set present ! I have promised him my assistance; upon at the corner of the street by four; he has but his affairs are in so desperate a way, that I killed two; and if you don't make haste, he'll he am afraid 'tis out of my skill to recover him. either murdered, or took to prison. Well, fools have fortune, says an old proverb, Gad. For Heaven's sake, gentlemen, run to and a very true one it is; for my master and í his assistance ! How I tremble for Melissa !-are two of the most unfortunate mortals in the This frolic of her's may be fatal. (Aside. creation.
Gay. Draw, sir, and follow me.
(Exeunt GAYLESS and GAD. Enter GAYLESS.
Trip. Not I; I don't care to run myself into Gay. Well, Sharp, I have set them down to needless quarrels; I have suffered too much for
merly by Aying into passions : besides, I have ced? I cannot bear to see him much longer in pawned my honour to Mrs Trippet, never to this condition; I shall discover myself. draw my sword again ; and, in her present condi
[Aside to GAD-ABOUT. tion, to break my word might have fatal conse- Gad. Not before the end of the play: besiquences.
des, the more his pain now, the greater his pleaSharp. Pray, sir, don't excuse yourself; the sure when relieved from it. young gentleman may be murdered by this time. Trip. Shall we return to our cards? I have a
Trip. Then my assistance will be of no service sans prendre here, and must insist you play it to him; however-I'll go to oblige you, and look out. on at a distance.
Ladies. With all my heart ! Mrs Trip. I shall certainly faint, Mr Trippet,
Mel. Allons donc.-[As the company goes out, if you draw.
SHARP pulls Melissa by the sleeve.]
Sharp. Sir, sir! Shall I beg leave to spea Enter GUTTLE, disordered, as from sleep.
with you? Pray, did you find a bank-note in
your way hither? Gut. What noise and confusion is this?
Mel. What, between here and Dover, do you Sharp. Sir, there's a man murdered in the mean? street.
Sharp. No, sir, within twenty or thirty yards Gut. Is that all? Zounds! I was afraid you of this house. had thrown the supper down-A plague of your Mel. You are drunk, fellow ! noise I shan't recover my stomach this half Sharp. I am undone, sir, but not drunk, I'll hour.
Mel. What is all this? Enter Gayless and GAD-ABOUT, with MELISSA Sharp. I'll tell you, sir: A little while ago, my in boy's clothes, dressed in the French manner. master sent me out to change a note of twenty
pounds; but I, unfortunately, hearing a noise in Gad. Well, but my dear Jemmy, you are not the street of, Damn-me, sir! and clashing of hurt, sure?
swords, and Rascal, and Murder ! I runs up to Mel. A little with riding post only.
the place, and saw four men upon one: and Gad. Mr Sharp alarmed us all with an ac- having heard you was a mettlesome young count of your being set upon by four men; that gentleman, I immediately concluded it must be you had killed two, and was attacking the other you; so ran back to call my master; and when when he came away; and when we met you at I went to look for the note to change it, I the door, we were running to your rescue. found it gone, either stole or lost; and if I don't
Mel. I had a small rencounter with half a- get the money immediately, I shall certainly be dozen villains; but, finding me resolute, they turned out of my place, and lose my characwere wise enough to take to their heels: I be terlieve I scratched some of them.
Mel. I shall laugh in his face. Aside.]-Oh, [Luying her hand to her sword. I'll speak to your master about it, and he will Sharp. His vanity has saved my credit. I forgive you, át my intercession. have a thought come into my head may prove to Sharp. Ah, sir, you don't know my master. our advantage, provided Monsieur's ignorance Mel. I'm very little acquainted with him; but bears any proportion to his impudence. [Aside. I have heard he's a very good-natured man.
Gad. Now my fright's over, let me introduce Sharp. I have heard so too; but I have felt it you, my dear, to Mr Gayless. Sir, this is my otherwise : he has so much goud-nature, that'if I nephew.
could coinpound for one broken-head a day, I Gay (Saluting her.] Sir, I shall be proud of should think myself very well off. your friendship.
Mel. Are you serious, friend? Mel. I don't doubt but we shall be better ac- Sharp. Look'e, sir, I take you for a man of quainted in a little time.
honour; there is something in your face that is Gut. Pray, sir, what news in France ?
generous, open, and masculine; you don't look Mel. Faith, sir, very little that I know of in like a foppish effeminate tell-tale; so I'll venture the political way: I had no time to spend among to trust you—See here, sir, [Shews his head.] the politicians. I wasm
these are the effects of my master's good-nature, Gay. Among the ladies, I suppose ?
Mel. Matchless impudence ! [Aside.)—Why Mel
. Too much indeed. Faith, I have not do you live with him, then, after such usage ? philosophy enough to resist their solicitations ; Sharp. He's worth a great deal of money; you take me?
[To Gayless aside. and wben he's drunk, which is commonly once Gay. Yes, to be a most incorrigible fop: a-day, he's very free, and will give me any thing: Sdeath, this puppy's iinpertinence is an addition but I design to leave himn when he's married, for to my misery
[Aside to Sharp. all that. Mel. Poor Gayless ! to what shifts is he redu- Mel. Is he going to be married then?