Mel. You surprise me, Kitty! The master not at home-the man in confusion-no furniture in the house and ill-looking fellows about the doors! 'Tis all a riddle. Kitty. But very easy to be explained. Mel. Prithee, explain it, then; nor keep me longer in suspence. Kitty. The affair is this, madam: Mr Gayless is over head and ears in debt; you are over head and ears in love; you'll marry him to-morrow; the next day your whole fortune goes to his creditors, and you and your children are to live comfortably upon the remainder. Mel. I cannot think him base. Kitty. But I know they are all base. You are very young, and very ignorant of the sex; I am young, too, but have had more experience: You never was in love before; I have been in love with an hundred, and tried them all; and know them to be a parcel of barbarous, perjured, deluding, bewitching devils. Mel. The low wretches you have had to do with, may answer the character you give them; but Mr Gayless Kitty. Is a man, madam. Mel. I hope so, Kitty, or I would have nothing to do with him. Kitty. With all my heart-I have given you my sentiments upon the occasion, and shall leave you to your own inclinations. Mel. Oh, madam, I am much obliged to you for your great condescension-ha, ha, ha! However, I have so great a regard for your opinion, that had I certain proofs of his villany Kitty. Of his poverty, you may have a hundred: I am sure, I have had none to the con trary. [Aside. Mel. Oh, there the shoe pinches ! Kitty. Nay, so far from giving me the usual perquisites of my place, he has not so much as kept me in temper, with little endearing civilities; and one might reasonably expect, when a man is deficient in one way, that he should make it up in another. [Knocking without, Mel. See who is at the door. [Exit KITTY.] I must be cautious how I hearken too much to this girl. Her bad opinion of Mr Gayless seems to arise from his disregard of her. Enter SHARP and KITTY. -So, Sharp, have you found your master?Will things be ready for the ball and entertain ment? Sharp. To your wishes, madam. I have just now bespoke the music and supper, and wait now for your ladyship's farther commands. Mel. My compliments to your master, and let him know, I and my company will be with him by six; we design to drink tea and play at cards, before we dance. Kitty. So shall I and my company, Mr Sharp. [Aside: Sharp. Mighty well, madam! Mel. Prithee, Sharp, what makes you come without your coat? 'Tis too cool to go so airy, Mel. I engage for her. Sharp. Why then, in short, madam-I cannot tell you. Mel. Don't trifle with me. Sharp. Then, since you will have it, madamI lost my coat in defence of your reputation. Mel. In defence of my reputation! Sharp. I will assure you, inadam, I've suffered very much in defence of it; which is more than I would have done for my own. Mel. Prithee, explain! Sharp. In short, madam, you was seen a bout a month ago to make a visit to my master alone. Mel. Alone! my servant was with me. Sharp. What, Mrs Kitty? So much the worse: for she was looked upon as my property, and I was brought in guilty, as well as you and my master. Kitty. What, your property, jackanapes? Sharp. Heavens and my impudence be praised! [Aside. Kitty. Why not, madam? If you are not guilty, face your accusers. Sharp. Why, madam, as I came out but now, to make preparation for you and your company to-night, Mrs Pry-about, the attorney's wife, at next door, calls to me; Hark'e, fellow,' says she, do you and your modest master know, that my "husband shall indict your house at the next 'parish meeting for a nuisance? Mel. A nuisance! Sharp. I said so- -A nuisance! I believe, none in the neighbourhood live with more decency and regularity than I and my master -as is really the case- Decency and regulari-large ty cries she, with a sneer- why, sirrah, does not my window look into your master's bed'chamber? and did not he bring in a certain la'dy such a day?' describing you, madam. 'did not I see And Mel. See! O, scandalous! What? Sharp. Modesty requires my silence. Mel. Did not you contradict her? Sharp. Contradict her! Why, I told her, I was sure she lied! for, zounds! said I, (for I could not help swearing) I am so well convinced of the lady's and my master's prudence, that I am sure, had they a mind to amuse themselves, they would certainly have drawn the window-curtains. Mel. What, did you say nothing else? Did not you convince her of her error and impertinence? Sharp. She swore to such things, that I could do nothing but swear and call names; upon which, out bolts her husband upon me with a fine taper crab in his hand, and fell upon me with such violence, that, being half delirious, I made a full confession. Mel. A full confession! What did you confess? Sharp. That my master loved fornication that you had no aversion to it-that Mrs Kitty was a bawd, and your humble servant a pimp. Kitty. A bawd! a bawd! Do I look like a bawd, madam ? Sharp. And so, madam, in the scuffle, my coat was torn to pieces, as well as your reputa tion. Mel. And so you joined to make me infamous ! Sharp. Oh the devil! ruined again ! [Aside.] To be sure, face them by all means, madamThey can but be abusive, and break the windows a little-Besides, madam, I have thought of a way to make this affair quite diverting to you-I have a fine blunderbuss, charged with half a hundred slugs, and my master has a delicate Swiss broad sword; and between us, madam, we shall so pepper and slice them, that you will die with laughing. Mel. What, at murder? Kitty. Don't fear, madam; there will be no murder if Sharp's concerned, Sharp. Murder, madam! 'Tis self-defence.Besides, in these sort of skirmishes, there are never more than two or three killed: for, supposing they bring the whole body of militia upon us, down but with a brace of them, and away fly the rest of the covey. Mel. Persuade me ever so much, I won't go; that's my resolution. Kitty. Why, then, I'll tell you what, madam; since you are resolved not to go to the supper, suppose the supper was to come to you? "Tis a great pity such preparations as Mr Sharp has made should be thrown away. Sharp. So it is, as you say, Mrs Kitty. But I can immediately run back, and unbespeak what I have ordered; 'tis soon done. Mel. But then, what excuse can I send to your master? he'll be very uneasy at my not coming. Sharp. Oh, terribly so! but I have it-I'll tell him you are very much out of order-that you were suddenly taken with the vapours or qualms, or what you please, madam. Mel. I'll leave it to you, Sharp, to make my apology; and there's half-a-guinea for you to help your invention. Sharp. Half-a-guinea! 'Tis so long since I had any thing to do with money, that I scarcely know the current coin of my own country.— Oh, Sharp, what talents hast thou! to secure thy master, deceive his mistress, outlie her chamberSharp. For Heaven's sake, madam, what could maid, and yet be paid for thy honesty! But my I do? His proofs fell so thick upon me, as wit-joy will discover me. [Aside.] Madam, you have ness my head [Shewing his head plaistered.], that I would have given up all the maidenheads in the kingdom, rather than have my brains beat to a jelly. Mel. Very well! but I'll be revengeddid not you tell your master of this? -And Sharp. Tell him! No, madam. Had I told him, his love is so violent for you, that he would certainly have murdered half the attornies in town by this time. Mel. Very well! But I am resolved not to go to your master's to-night. eternally fixed Timothy Sharp, your most obedient humble servant- Oh the delights of impudence, and a good understanding! [Exit SHARP. Kitty. Ha, ha, ha! was there ever such a lying varlet! with his slugs, and his broad swords, his attorneys, and broken heads, and nonsense Well, madam, are you satisfied now? Do you want more proofs ? Mel. Of your modesty I do: But, I find you are resolved to give me none. Kitty, Madam! Mel. I see through your little mean artifice : you are endeavouring to lessen Mr Gayless in my opinion, because he has not paid you for services he had no occasion for. Kitty. Pay me, madam! I am sure I have very little occasion to be angry with Mr Gayless for not paying me, when I believe 'tis his general practice. Mel. 'Tis false! he's a gentleman, and a man of honour, and you are Kitty. Not in love, I thank Heaven! [Curtseying. Mel. You are a fool. wiser now. yet. Mel. Don't be a fool. What do you want? Kitty. There is a servant just come out of the country, says he belongs to sir William Gayless, and has got a letter for you from his master upon very urgent business. Mel. Sir William Gayless? What can this mean? Where is the man? ly. Kitty. In the little parlour, madam. [Erit. Kitty. Oh, woman, woman! foolish woman!she'll certainly have this Gayless; nay, were she as well convinced of his poverty as I am, she would have him. A strong dose of love is worse than one of ratafia; when it once gets into our heads, it trips up our heels, and then good night to discretion. Here is she going to throw away fifteen thousand pounds! upon what? Faith, little better than nothing. He's a man, and that's [Erit KITTY.all-and, Heaven knows, mere man is but small Mel. Hold your tongue, impertinence Mel. Leave me. Kitty. Oh this love, this love is the devil! Mel. We discover our weaknessess to our servants, make them our confidants, put them upon an equality with us, and so they become our advisers. Sharp's behaviour, though I seemed to disregard it, makes me tremble with apprehensions! and, though I have pretended to be angry with Kitty for her advice, I think it of too much consequence to be neglected. Enter KITTY. Kitty. May I speak, madam? consolation! ACT II. SCENE I. Enter GAYLESS and SHARP. Gay. PRITHEE be serious, Sharp. Hast thou really succeeded? Sharp. To our wishes, sir. In short, I have managed the business with such skill and dexterity, that neither your circumstances nor my veracity are suspected. Gay, But how hast thou excused me from the ball and entertainment? Sharp. Beyond expectation, sir-But in that particular, I was obliged to have recourse to truth, and declare the real situation of your affairs. I told her, we had so long disused ourselves to dressing either dinners or suppers, that I was afraid we should be but aukward in our preparations. In short, sir,-at that instant, a cursed gnawing seized my stomach, that I could not help telling her, that both you and myself seldom make a good meal, now-a-days, once in a quarter of a year. Gay. Hell and confusion! have you betrayed me, villain? Did you not tell me this moment, she did not in the least suspect my circumstances? Sharp. No more she did, sir, till I told her. Gay. Very well; and was this your skill and dexterity? Sharp. I was going to tell you; but you won't hear reason: my melancholy face and piteous narration, had such an effect upon her generous bowels, that she freely forgives all that's past. Gay. Does she, Sharp? Sharp. Yes, and desires never to see your face again; and, as a farther consideration for so doing, she has sent you half-a-guinea. [Shows the money. Gay. What do you mean? Sharp. To spend it, spend it, and regale. Gay Villain! you have undone me! Sharp. What! by bringing you money, when you are not worth a farthing in the whole world Well, well, then, to make you happy again, I'll keep it myself; and wish somebody would take it in their head to load me with such misfortunes. [Puts up the money. Gay. Do you laugh at me, rascal? Sharp. Who deserves more to be laughed at ? ha, ha, ha! Never for the future, sir, dispute the success of my negotiations; when even you, who know me so well, can't help swallowing my * hook. Why, sir, I could have played with you backwards and forwards at the end of my line, till I had put your senses into such a fermentation, that you should not have known, in an hour's time, whether you was a fish or a man. Gay. Why, what is all this you have been telling me? Sharp. A downright lie from beginning to end! Gay. And have you really excused me to her? Sharp. No, sir; but I have got this half-guinea to make her excuses to you! and instead of a confederacy between you and me to deceive her, she thinks she has brought me over to put the deceit upon you. Gay. Thou excellent fellow! Sharp. Don't lose time, but slip out of the house immediately; the back way, I believe, will be the safest for you, and to her as fast as you can; pretend vast surprise and concern, that her indisposition has debarred you the pleasure of her company here to-night. You need know no more; away. Gay. But what shall we do, Sharp? Here's her maid again. do? my mistress will have it so; and Mrs Gadabout, and the rest of the company, will be here in a few minutes; there are two or three coachfuls of them. Sharp. Then my master must be ruined, in spite of my parts. [Aside, Gay. [Aside to Sharp.] 'Tis all over, Sharp! Sharp. I know it, sir. Gay. I shall go distracted! what shall I do? Sharp. Why, sir, as our rooms are a little out of furniture at present, take them into the captain's that lodges here, and set them down to cards: if he should come in the mean time, I'll excuse you to him. [Aside. Kitty. I have disconcerted their affairs, Ï find; I'll have some sport with them. Pray, Mr Gayless, don't order too many things: they only make you a friendly visit; the more ceremony, you know, the less welcome. Pray, sir, let me entreat you not to be profuse. If I can be of service, pray command me; my mistress has sent me on purpose: while Mr Sharp is doing the business without doors, I may be employed within. If you'll lend me the keys of your side-board [To Sharp], I'll dispose of your plate to the best advantage. Sharp. Thank you, Mrs Kitty; but it is dispo[Knocking at the door. Kitty. Bless me, the compauy's come! I'll go to the door, and conduct them into your presence. [Exit KITTY. Sharp. If you'd conduct them into a horsepond, and wait on them there yourself, we should be more obliged to you. Sharp. The devil she is!I wish I could poison her for I'm sure, while she lives, I can ne-sed of already. ver prosper. Enter KITTY. Kitty. Your door was open; so I did not stand upon ceremony. Gay. I am sorry to hear your mistress is taken so suddenly. Kitty. Vapours, vapours only, sir; a few matrimonial omens, that's all; but I suppose Mr Sharp has made her excuses: Gay. And tells me, I can't have the pleasure of her company to-night. I had made a small preparation; but 'tis no matter: Sharp shall go to the rest of the company, and let them know 'tis put off. Kitty. Not for the world, sir! my mistress was sensible you must have provided for her and the rest of the company; so she is resolved, though she can't, the other ladies and gentlemen shall partake of your entertainment; she's very good-natured. Sharp. I had better run, and let them know 'tis deferred. [Going. Kitty. [Stopping him.] I have been with them already, and told them my mistress insists upon their coming, and they have all promised to be here; so, pray, don't be under any apprehensions that your preparations will be thrown away. Gay. But as I can't have her company, Mrs Kitty, 'twill be a greater pleasure to me, and a greater compliment to her, to defer our mirth; besides, I can't enjoy any thing at present, and she not partake of it. Kitty. Oh, no! to be sure; but what can I Gay. I can never support this. Sharp. Rouse your spirits, and put on an air of gaiety, and I don't despair of bringing you off yet. Gay. Your words have done it effectually. [Aside Gad. I have brought some company here, I believe, is not well known to you; and I protest I have been all about the town to get the little I have Mr Guttle, sir, Mr Gayless;-Mr Gayless, justice Guttle. Sharp. Oh, destruction! one of the quorum. Gut. Hem! Though I had not the honour of any personal knowledge of you, yet, at the instigation of Mrs Gadabout, I have, without any previous acquaintance with you, throwed aside all ceremony, to let you know, that I joy to hear the solemnization of your nuptials is so near at hand. Gay. Sir, though I cannot answer you with the same elocution, however, sir, I thank you with the same sincerity. Gad. Mr and Mrs Trippet, sir; the properest lady in the world for your purpose, for she'll dance for four and twenty hours together. : Trip. My dear Charles, I am very angry with you, faith; so near marriage, and not let me know! 'twas barbarous you thought, I suppose, I should rally you upon it; but dear Mrs Trippet here has long ago eradicated all my antimatrimonial principles. Mrs Trip. I eradicate ! fie, Mr Trippet! don't be so obscene. Kitty. Pray, ladies, walk into the next room; Mr Sharp can't lay his cloth till you are set down to cards. : Gad. One thing I had quite forgot, Mr Gayless my nephew, whom you never saw, will be in town from France presently; so I left word to send him here immediately to make one. Gay. You do me honour, madam. Sharp. Do the ladies choose cards, or the supper first? Gay. Supper! what does the fellow mean? Gut. Oh! the supper by ali means; for I have eaten nothing to signify since dinner. Sharp. Nor I, since last Monday was a fortnight. [4side. Gay. Pray, ladies, walk into the next room: Sharp, get things ready for supper, and call the music. Sharp. Well said, master! Gad. Without ceremony, ladies. [Exeunt ladies. Kitty. I'll go to my mistress, and let her know every thing is ready for her appearance. [Exit KITTY. Enter GUTTLE and SHARP. Gut. Pray, Mr What's-your-name, don't be long with supper: But harkee, what can I do in the mean time? Suppose you get me a pipe and some good wine; I'll try to divert myself that way till supper's ready. Sharp. Or suppose, sir, you was to take a nap till then; there's a very easy couch in that closet. Gut. The best thing in the world; I'll take your advice; but be sure you wake me when supper is ready. [Exit GUTTLE. Sharp. Pray heaven, you may not wake till then-What a fine situation my master is in at present! I have promised him my assistance; but his affairs are in so desperate a way, that I am afraid 'tis out of my skill to recover him. Well, fools have fortune, says an old proverb, and a very true one it is; for my master and I are two of the most unfortunate mortals in the creation. Enter GAYLESS. cards; and now what have you to propose? Sharp. I have one scheme left, which, in all probability, may succeed. The good citizen, overloaded with his last meal, is taking a nap in that closet, in order to get him an appetite for yours. Suppose, sir, we should make him treat us. Gay. I don't undersand you. Sharp. I'll pick his pocket, and provide us a supper with the booty. Gay. Monstrous! for without considering the villany of it, the danger of waking him makes it impracticable! Sharp. If he awakes, I'll smother him, and lay his death to indigestion-a very common death among the justices. Gay. Prithee be serious; we have no time to lose can you invent nothing to drive them out of the house? Sharp, I can fire it. Gay. Shame and confusion so perplex me I cannot give myself a moment's thought. Sharp. I have it; did not Mrs Gad-about say her nephew would be here ? Gay. She did. Sharp. Say no more, but in to your company: if I don't send them out of the house for the night, I'll at least frighten their stomachs away; and if this stratagem fails, I'll relinquish politics, and think my understanding no better than my neighbour's. Gay. How shall I reward thee, Sharp? Sharp. By your silence and obedience: away to your company, sir. [Exit GAYLESS. NOW, dear madam Fortune, for once open your eyes, and behold a poor unfortunate man of parts addressing you: now is your time to convince your foes you are not that blind, whimsical whore, they take you for; but let them see, by your assisting me, that men of sense, as well as fools, are sometimes intitled to your favour and protection.So much for prayer; now for a great noise and a lie. [Goes aside, and cries out.] Help, help, master! help, gentlemen, ladies! Murder, fire, brimstone?- -Holp, help, help! Enter MR GAYLESS and the ladies with cards in their hands, and SHARP enters, running, and meets them. Gay. What's the matter? Sharp. Matter, sir! if you don't run this minute with that gentleman, this lady's nephew will be murdered! I am sure it was he; he was set upon at the corner of the street by four; he has killed two; and if you don't make haste, he'll he either murdered, or took to prison. Gad. For Heaven's sake, gentlemen, run to his assistance! How I tremble for Melissa!This frolic of her's may be fatal. [Aside. Gay. Draw, sir, and follow me. [Exeunt GAYLESS and GAD. Trip. Not I; I don't care to run myself into Gay. Well, Sharp, I have set them down to needless quarrels; I have suffered too much for |