"Agreed." * About eight o'clock on Wednesday evening the expectant crowd of waiters, who were "keeping a good look-out" at the sallyport of the Albion, descried a chariot-and-four approaching. "Tom, what d'ye bet this here is not for us?" "Pint of ale." "Done." "Done." In another moment the bet was decided, the carriage stopped at the Albion, and, after the usual inquiry, a tall, middle-aged, soldier-like gentleman, emerged, and was incontinently ushered into a room by the landlord, with much ceremony. "Glad to see you again, Captain Hilhouse-rather full to-night, sir did not expect you till to-morrow, sir-see what I can do though got one bed most luckily vacant, sir-what would you like to eat, sir?- -a feather bed, sir, though not a very large room-better accommodated to-morrow, sir, I hope.' "Too late for dinner?"-"O! bless you, no, sir-get you a broiled fowl or cutlets in one moment, sir-boiled rabbits-onions-sorry I have not a better bed to offer you, sir;"-and thus the attentive landlord ran on until brought up by the captain. Now, if anybody is foolhardy enough to deny that a loquacious landlord is the best landlord, I am ready to inform him he knows nothing of the matter. A talkative landlord almost saves you the trouble of ordering anything; he is a bill of fare, over which you run your eye until you arrive at "the thing," and then make and execute an indenture with your nail, or the point of your fork, opposite thereto; thus you need only sit by, and listen to your chatter-box, as he enumerates his "great varieties," and when he arrives at the proper item, throw your hat in his face, or otherwise effectually arrest him. Captain Hilhouse being too fatigued probably to perform this manœuvre, effected his purpose equally well by an impressive "halt," just as his host had arrived at the cutlets for the third time; and in the "momentary" space of half-an-hour, found himself sitting down to a very respectable supper-tea-dinner, with great goût, being (to use an expression I once heard at Gravesend) "most cussed 'ungry, 'pon 'onour." Some persons, having a most righteous abhorrence of solitude, grumble and chafe at the bare idea of a solitary dinner in a lonely hotel; but we must be allowed to contend that "where there's a will there's a way" to make oneself remarkably comfortable in the society of the appurtenances even of a country inn drawing-room; and thus, à fortiori, the chamber of the captain was by no means silent; he first soliloquized on the state of his internals, and the food before him, speculating with considerable ability on the probable results of the union of the two; then he took wine with the opposite mirror-apostrophised the chairs, and delivered an harangue on their antiquated appearance, professing sincere veneration for their mahoganyships; then he sincerely apologized to a fowl for the trouble he occasioned her in depriving her seriatim of her several members, com plimented the port on his venerable appearance, and sorely anathematized the pale and trembling sherry. Nor was he at a loss for animated society, the occasional entry of the agitated waiter enabling him to vary the mode of his conversation; and, despite his loneliness, Captain Hilhouse congratulated himself on having made an extremely social and pleasant meal. On its termination, mine host made his final appearance, with the accustomed bottle of "peculiar," and was lingering, with many expressions of solicitude for the comfort of his guest, when, to his infinite gratification, a question was asked. "By-the-bye, Minter, you seem in a prodigious bustle here tonight what's going on?" The little man drew himself up with a look of vast importance. "This, sir, is the evening of the subscription ball-finest for many seasons, sir-remarkably select-all the fashion of Kent here, sirthe Ladies Dumbscaramouch, sir-very fashionable-tickets two guineas, sir--Sir Captain Cabletier-Lord and Lady Wingham-Captain and the Misses Ash, sir-procure you a ticket, sir?-allow me to acquaint patronesses of your arrival, sir-great honour-then there's Count Minnynet-" "Count who?" 66 Minnynet, sir, or Onnionet, or some such name, sir." "Who is he?" "O sir! you must see him; he's quite the attraction of the place, sir." Mignionette, Mignionette, don't recollect the name. Well, get me a ticket." "The wax-lights were flaring, the ball-room was s gay, Fiddles scraped-fans quivered-many a young man bowed, and twirled, and simpered, and begged pardon, and trod on toes and begged pardon again-rose up, sat down, whispered to the master of ceremonies, sidled about, bowed, extended a hand, drew it back with a young lady at the end, sighed, stood erect, and forthwith commenced manifold pedestrian evolutions with the said young lady. Old gentlemen clubbed together in knots, and speechified, and fumed, and mopped. Old ladies sat in awful array, erect as grenadiers, and as fierce-red-coated animals gambolled round the room in company with smiling and blushing demoiselles "And all was bustle, row, squeeze, jabbering and jam.” "My dear Lady Dumbscaramouch, what an infinite gratification to meet you again, and on such an occasion !" "Captain Hilhouse, I declare !-well, this is an unexpected pleasure; and where have you been all this time, you most indolent of mortals?— here is our season half over, and Captain Hilhouse reported missing!" "Ah! you may well ask what should keep me so long from any place, which rejoices in the smiles of your ladyship's bright eyes." Now, Lady Dumbscaramouch was on the improper side of half a 'century, but there are some to whom even at that age flattery is by no means disagreeable. And pray to whom is it? Nay, answer your own question, I can't. "The real fact is, that I ought to have been paying my devoirs here a fortnight ago, but some unpleasant affairs have been delaying me from day to day, and I only left town this morning, arrived here but two hours ago, and hastened into your ladyship's presence, only allowing time to renovate my exhausted frame, and change my boots;" and here the captain suddenly broke off, being fixed in a gaze of ludicrous astonishment at our friend the count, who was making his way amid "nods, and becks, and wreathed smiles," to the upper end of the room. His astonishment, however, seemed suddenly to assume some most ludicrous form, for with an ill-suppressed laugh he turned to the dowager, "Apropos des bottes, who is this individual?—he appears quite the lion, and, to judge from his uniform, a fresh importation to our menagerie." "Dear me, don't you know him?—he claims the honour of your acqaintance-it is Count Mignionette." "Oh, I recollect now; but I never saw him in uniform before, and scarcely recognized him." "What are you laughing at? I assure you he is a most formidable creature, and is the theme of universal admiration. On dit, that he has some intentions towards Miss Hyson, the daughter of the old tea merchant." "Ha, ha, ha!-capital! what, that young lady with the dark eyebrows, and that remarkably fine expression ?" Her ladyship raised her glass :-"c'est vrai." "What a lovely creature! though without your ladyship's tone of beauty; but positively, is Mignionette a favoured lover?" "I don't know; but would there be anything remarkable if he were ?" "Oh, no, no. Ha, ha, ha!" "Why, he is very handsome." "Oh, yes-ha, ha!" "And quite ton." "Oh, yes-ha, ha, ha!" "You inexplicably provoking creature!-good-bye.” “O Lord, O Lord! I must get out; I shall certainly die;" and the captain departed. Captain Hilhouse was at breakfast on the following morning"Waiter, is Count Mignionette's tiger about ?" "Yes, sir." "Send him here." And Mr. Augustus entered the captain's room, but with a different air to that which he assumed on entering the count's. "Pleath, thir-he-he-hath gone to be married to Mith Hython ;" and the child looked as if he had trod on a gouty East Indian's toes, from whom he expected a legacy. "Married to Miss Hyson! you imp of Satan-why did I not know this before?" shouted the captain, starting up. Tomtit trembled, and his legs rattled in his boots. "Get me my hat and coat this moment-I'll soon settle this scoundrel-a rascal! Count, indeed!-marry Miss Hyson!" And with such mutterings he left the hotel at a rapid pace, and made straight for the tea-merchant's. And as he went, he occupied himself in adding to, and strengthening sundry little knots in the point of a remarkably sensible-looking riding-whip, which he carried. "I want to see your master, John," said he, as the door of Hyson's house opened to him. "He's partikler engaged at this moment, sir." "I know it—but I will just see him a moment-you need not announce me," and he forthwith bounded up stairs; loud voices directed him to the room, above all old Hyson's, who appeared to be persuading some person to vacate the premises in terms more forcible than eloquent. When he entered, a singular scene met his eye. On the farther side of a round drawing-room table, stood a group of ladies, in the gay habiliments of the bridal, and foremost, leaning on her mother's arm, Miss Hyson, pale as death, watching what was going on near her with a deadly anxiety, which had driven the colour from her bloodless lips. She was indeed extremely lovely, and her fine dark hair contrasted well with the marble hue of her high forehead. On the table lay divers parchments. On one side of it stood old Hyson, in a boiling rage, and before him, D'Aubigny and his three friends, who appeared just to have made an irruption from a neighbouring door, which stood open. Hyson was the picture of passion. Frederick looked stern, and yet deprecatory-unwilling to push matters too far, but honest indignation gleamed in every lineament. Brown and Co. looked tolerably cool, but expostulatory. The count's back was towards Hilhouse as he entered-he appeared quite unconcerned, and was sniffing a vinaigrette with much nonchalance, occasionally bending over the table to address a sentence to the unconscious ear of his intended; the back-ground was occupied by the divine, the lawyer, and several other gentlemen, who seemed inclined to pacify the old gentleman, if possible. A fit of coughing from the father had just given Frederick a moment's speech. "Mr. Hyson, I conjure you, if you have any sense "Leave this house-you impudent-ugh, ugh-leave it, I say, this instant!" "But hear me one moment "Not a word-you have no business here-ugh, ugh-get along with you-ugh-why it's downright burglary-ah, ah,-ugh-you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, all of you-breaking into-ugh, ugh, ugh a person's house-get out, I say-leave the house." "Aha-tis ver true-allez vous en, donc see how do you terrify les dames," and he simpered a most persuasive smile at Frederick. arm, "As for you-you miserable" fiercely roared the excited young man, as he took one stride forward, with flashing eye and upraised as for you"-but what he might have said was suddenly, and to the astonishment of all, broken off. Captain Hilhouse, who had stood some seconds in silent amazement at the door, had advanced, unperceived during the excitement of the scene, up the room, and now, without one word, brought down his riding-whip with such effect across the legs of the count, that the latter uttered a loud and involuntary " sacre!" and turned quickly round, with a face crimsoned with rage and pain, and his eyes flashing vengeance against the ag gressor. The instant his eye caught the captain standing with whip uplifted, for a second stroke, the change was ludicrous in the extreme -he became as pale as his dark complexion would allow-his teeth chattered out an "Oh, Monsieur! si'l vous plait," in a most depre catory tone he looked just like a schoolboy caught stealing plums. "You're a pretty scoundrel"-(switch, switch)-"a proper scoundrel, I think"-(switch, switch.) "Oh, oh! helas! eh! mais, mais, mais!" "You miserable vagabond"-(switch, switch)" you rascal, you-" (switch, crack, switch.) "Ah, ah-que ça me fait dommage ça !-oh, oh !" It is not to be supposed that the other tenants of the room were unconcerned spectators of this extraordinary encounter-inexplicable though it was-few could resist a smile at the singular agility of the count, who hopped, and wriggled, and dodged, and edged towards the door, the captain all the while raining a shower of cuts over his legs, arms, shoulders, and back, with all imaginable goût. When they arrived at the door, he applied his foot with a more persuasive impulse to the retreating rear-guard of the soi-disant count, which sent him flying down the staircase. "There, get along you scoundrel, and tell," added he, "tell Tomtit to get the horse ready in an hour." “Ah, oui, monsieur-oh, oh! helas!" and the closing door drowned the groans of the unhappy Mignionette. During all this flagellatory exhibition, no person had ventured a syllable. All were too much struck with surprise, except Dashmere, who, having as inveterate an enmity towards Mignionette as his careless mind could conceive, had been prodigiously gratified at the captain's performance, and cheered him on with great glee. "Go it, Hilhouse-that's right- let it into him-hardersweetly put in-now another-capital-just across the thigh-there's a crack into him, boy," and such sporting exclamations, had completed the quartette with the count's high treble cries, Hilhouse's bass invectives, and the cracks of the whip in altissimo. Now, however, that the count had made his singular exit, a dead silence pervaded the apartment, and glances were cast towards the captain, which seemed to say, "Do tell us all about it." He did not keep them long in suspense, but advancing with much dignity and gravity in his mien, he addressed old Hyson. "Mr. Hyson, I extremely regret that such unpleasant circum |