It seldom requires an Argus to divine the signs of the present. They are invariably laid on with such glaring pigments, that were Polyphemus himself on earth, peripatetic, he would find no difficulty to decypher them. Amongst these, unquestionably the most prominent is the prurience of mobility. In all preceding times this common principle of humanity has assumed the influence of a potent, but equanimous instinct. Now it developes itself with all the vehemence and intensity of a passion-the "Passion of Progression." Our great grandsires (honest souls!) seem to have been well content to pursue "the even tenor of their ways" in a quiet and homely jog-trot. They had no conception of scampering along the road as though endeavouring to evade the clutches of that "bum-universal, Time.” Instead of seeking protection in flight, they appear rather to have contrived bulwarks to set his authority at defiance. Look at their corpulent conveyances, of aldermanic proportions-like some civic gastronomer returning from "Codger's Hall," they groaned along the road with the burden of their own corporeal iniquities. See the doughty men of old," in their ostensible skirts and magnanimous bob-wigs, surmounted by a triangular of overpowering dignity, one might imagine they were made up for an artist's study, and were in case for a comfortable longevity, instead of the periodical space of twelve or fifteen hours. Review those illustrious tomes-the tall copies with pompous black letter and superfluous margins; surely such were not constructed on the modern principle-that he who runs may read.

66

Our knowledge of the intellectual machinery of man, we candidly confess, is extremely deficient. Whatever may constitute the motive power, common experience demonstrates that a vast augmentation has recently been made. Some new fly wheel has been appended-debilitated springs have been removed for the substitution of others of superior temper and elasticity—the former rusty cranks, spindles, and pinions, have undergone re-adjustment and lubrication-and the entire concern has been set in motion by an impetus which every hour increases in intensity, agreeable to the laws of geometrical progression. A moral volcano has broke forth! All human energies--spiritual and physical-mental and corporeal-are in an alarming state of excitement. Stagnation is amongst the obsoletes-the poets and alchymists, nonentities only stand still- -a standing army is an hibernianism; the march of intelligence has grown into a run-philosophy-flat, sharp, or natural, scours the remotest divisions of the habitable globe, and eschews all scourings of a more domestic complexion. Agitation is universal. In fine, the mighty giant of rationality is in an epileptic fit, or a "violent convulsion of the whole body, commonly attended with a loss of sense."

If such be our enjoyment, what may we anticipate! When we peep into the kaleidoscope of futurity, and descry the magical mutations and transformations there in operation, we are literally dazzled by the consequences of this "Passion of Progression." Such racing -jostling-flying-tumbling-scrambling;-such steaming-smoking -whizzing-hissing-whirling-that our tight little island" appears positively shaken from its intuitive sense of decorum. Imagine

66

66

every galloway metamorphosed into a Pegasus-Turpin's historical feat held in esteem of a snail's gallop-the great St. Leger startingpost removed to the Georgium Sidus-people of ton taking a turn round the sphere terrestrial, via the "South Sea Suspension Bridge," prior to luncheon-Hyde Park (site of) a fruitful legacy to antiquaries-desperate engagement thereon. Valetudinarians in small sparrow wherries," inhaling ether pure in realms etherial; the fancy fair," on butterfly pinions, transporting their Lilliputian wares to the bazaar of Constantinople, for the especial benefit of superlunary refugees; and, last in order as in merit first, gentlemen of the press on patent "lightning conductors," racing like shadows of a thought with opposition reports of the "universal scientific association, such being convoked at the Half Moon, at the earnest solicitation of philosophers under the influence of that celestial body.

But let not individuals of narrow prejudices and equally limited comprehension wrap up their conservative hobbies in a fanciful belief that our omnipotent "Passion of Progression" will be confined to purposes of transit: the palace, the senate, the bar; powers, legal, clerical, and medical, moral, political, or economical, all the faculties, functions, and humanities must be brushed up and set in motion, to keep time corresponding with the expeditious tendencies of the age. Thrones must be struck out of the inventory of "tenants' fixtures," and made to unscrew, for the convenience of being carried away. Crowns must condescend to the offices of foot-balls, or, to save expense, common worsted nightcaps may be considered both efficient and appropriate substitutes.

Parliament must also be susceptible of a respectful hint for the expediting of their oratorical motions. Ways and means must suffer such abridgment and contraction as, in figurative language, to bring the highest places within the attainment of the lowest grades. Standing orders must be abolished, as inconsistent with the disposition and intelligence of the times. Bills, public and private, must be so framed, as to pass through the house with a celerity only exceeded by that of their supporters. Members to settle accounts with their constituents at the same hour and place as with the artizans in their employment. (Exception in favour of latter.)

Law, that venerable old wall-eyed jade, who has been so long harnessed to the eternal roundabout of custom and precedent, must be made to feel the spur of the moment. Briefs must no longer be suffered to speak ironically. The statute books must be condensed into a pemikin of one small duodecimo volume. To expedite justice, courts for the administration of that esteemed article, pure and unadulterate, must be restored to their primitive state of ambulation, and follow the king's person, chattels, and other disposable property. The bar (sinister) must be taken down: equity must be dispensed to all impoverished patients at smallest advance on cost of preparation. Open booths must be erected at our various provincial fairs for the adjustment and arbitration of claims and differences; a spacious ring to be inclosed on some contiguous spot for the exclusive advantage of the jury in case of a want of unanimity amongst the same: chief justice to preside at this modern wager of battle, and furnish requisite weapons,

not exceeding three inches in diameter: to prevent foul play, each individual cudgel, before use, should undergo the inspection and approval of the principal heads of the profession.

In order to accelerate the progress of science and general philosophy by an increase of labourers in those important branches of industry, the social system must submit to some trifling innovation. A more liberal spirit must animate the close corporations of learned bodies, by granting admission to those who, in a philological light, are of the most unworthy gender. The exact sciences must no longer remain a prescriptive appendage of "eyes severe, and beard of formal cut," nor mustachios be esteemed the distinguishing feature of classical accomplishments. Those purblind nurses of erudition, the universities, can only renovate their superannuated vision by admitting the new light of gynæocracy. Alma Mater must throw her arms open to all applicants, without distinction either of figure or feature. Blue stockings must be appointed by the caput the insignia of feminine proficiency. Ladies of a sedate temperament, some little experience, and without incumbrance, shall be eligible to the highest dignities and most onerous offices. Amongst these we may particularise the professorships of metaphysics, mathematics, logic, and political economy. That of natural history to be reserved for venerable spinsters of noblest descent and most bewitching complexion. The chair of chemistry to be supplied in rotation from the senior cooks of the establishment, for whose convenience a laboratory may be fitted up in the kitchen and scullery adjacent.

When these numerous and startling reforms shall be carried into operation, doubtless a considerable shock will be felt in the domestic system; notable housewives, whose glory was engraved on the labels of their delectable raspberry-jams and cherry-brandy, will find a more congenial occupation in extracting the roots of Walkinghame and Bonnycastle. "Sweet Seventeen," whose ivory fingers were previously tasked to surmount the bars of Weber or Rossini, will skip over the pons asinorum of Euclid with the most graceful sense of faeility. More advanced demoiselles, endowed with invincible powers of communication, will boldly launch forth on the unnavigable ocean of metaphysical disquisition; terrific confusion will ensue amongst the blockading squadron of identities and diversities, infinites and definites, eausalities and effectualities, modes, manners, spaces, and places; the agreement of ideas will supersede an harmony of ribands; those wanton bunches of amber which hung ripening on the sunny cheek they coveted, will be thrown aside for the sole cultivation of a "Lock on the understanding," perplexities of love will vanish before the dilemmas of logic, and not even a Major may anticipate a smile of encouragement unless he be immediately followed by a proposition. Duplicate ladies, whose entire faculties were formerly absorbed in the all-important problem of abridging the debit division of their lord's ledger to the dimensions of its counterpart, or, in common parlance, squaring the outgoings with the incomings, will enlist their powerful energies in the more lofty aspiration of accomplishing the quadrature of the circle!

To meet the exigencies occasioned by such a diversion of female

talent from domestic common places to scientific novelties, of course some few additional duties must devolve upon the shoulders of the major domo. These, however, are of so pleasing and facile a nature as scarcely to deserve mention. How greatly will he rise in the estimation of liberal minds by uniting an attention to "foreign affairs," with a participation in the management of the "home department!" Nor let the magnitude of such a change be matter of alarm, since we know that frequently the average intelligence of one has been found equal to the distinct performance of offices of similar consequence. The calm, meditative functions of nurse and sempstress, will form a most agreeable relief to the harassing excitement of his ordinary occupation. And here the universal "Passion of Progression" steps in to render invaluable assistance. Means will be devised for bringing infants to a state of self-command, in a much shorter space of time than is now requisite for that purpose; we should not wonder if they emulate the Fungi family, and spring up in a night. Education, too, will advance with rapid strides. The nascent idea will be taught to shoot with a pop-gun from the cradle. Knowledge (useful) will be instilled or, (as instillation is rather a dilatory process,) bored into the infantile comprehension after the manner of those savoury preparations peculiar to Bartholomew Fair. We subjoin the recipe of the original inventor:- "Take an heterogeneous mass of stuff, commonly known as aughts and ends, chip it exceedingly fine; sprinkle in a little seasoning, just sufficient to give the substance a relish, and then grind in at the mouth of your recipient with all possible expedition.-N. B. No further attention is requisite, as it will digest itself at pleasure-probatum est."

Our pulmonary apparatus is quite in a state of exhaustion-we really must resign the pursuit. A want of atmospherical aliment prevents us from following up the "Passion of Progression" to its final termination! Yes, truly, when feminine eloquence is declared insolvent, and when that invisible defaulter, the national debt, comes forth to knuckle down the ultimate penny, then peradventure a halt may ensue-an inspiration of astonishment may be drawn, and progress resumed with an acceleration of speed and an accession of energy. Before, however, we come to a conclusion, that posterity may not be ignorant of the ardent desire entertained by us for their success on the moral Doncaster Race Course, we shall append a few recommendations pertinent to that object, for which we anticipate, as one of the concomitants of a patriot's immortality, to receive some five hundred years hence an unanimous vote of thanks from both Houses of Parlia

ment.

And first, our attention must be given to the honourable Commons themselves. We opine that the circuitous and fallible system of newspaper reporting might be entirely superseded, by each member receiving his speeches, and general and particular directions for his legislative conduct, from those of his constituents whose interest he is most materially concerned to observe. Literature, we think, would make great advance in the scale of improvement, by sparing readers an immense deal of time and reflection, if authors, poetical, metaphysical, and romantical, were to subjoin at the foot of each page a re

ference to those common fountains of imagination whence the substance of their lucubrations was obtained. Physicians might expedite their functions, and greatly shorten the duration of corporeal sufferance, by embodying in one prescription the contents of a customary series. To remove any pecuniary objection to this proposition, we would suggest that the convenience of all parties might be promoted, if the Royal College were to consent to an incorporation with the respectable society of sextons, searchers, and furnishing undertakers. To stimulate the procrastinating spirit of diplomacy, a statute of limitations should be framed to confine. the operation of all treaties, &c. to one calendar month after completion. In the concentration of all human energies and aspirations in one universal "Passion of Progression," we fear that the emotion of nearest propinquity to our hearts will sink into eternal oblivion. It may therefore seem almost a work of supererogation to make any comment on that topic. Certain it is, that silken fetters can never long confine those captives of the "chubby boy," who violate every other obligation in their frenzy for expedition. To make things secure as speedily as possible, we recommend that all game caught within the Paphian Preserves should be sacrificed on an altar erected on the spot, leaving that frivolous question relative to a sympathy of feeling, for arrangement at any convenient time, after indissoluble junction of the connubial tether. We would fain propose a more eligible mode of managing those interesting occurrences, affairs of honour. As the irritation is often extremely painful, and the present means of obtaining alleviation both tedious and repugnant to aristocratic habits, we doubt not that any system by which emollients would be immediately at hand, would find a very general reception. A pair of blunderbusses, therefore, fit for instantaneous application, should ornament the mantelpiece of all club-houses, drawing-rooms, saloons, and every other place of refuge for the intellectually destitute. The preliminary courtesy of exchanging cards having been gone through, each party would singly discharge his "herald of annihilation" up the chimney-the demands of gentility would be satisfied, and the vital aims of satisfaction most satisfactorily attained. This plan has great advantages over the one in present operation. It will not only prevent those purely unintentional maimings of sparrows and tit-larks, which Battersea Fields has now so frequently occasion to deplore, but will more effectually combine the prime desiderata of polite and amicable warfare-namely, the irksomeness of early rising (that great damper of incipient heroism) will be avoided, while the report will be louder (amongst friends) and cannot fail to make a sensible impression on numerous witnesses of the coolness and intrepidity of the combatants.

Such constitute a few of the recommendations which long and profound reflection have convinced us will be found most beneficial in advancing the cause of progression. Still we do not imagine that our enthusiastic descendants will stop here. Quite the reverse. We believe, that after our valuable propositions have received their grateful adoption, when all human appliances are hurrying on with terrific rapidity, no one knows where-the planetary system will be called upon for an acceleration of motion, to keep pace with the progressive