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SCENE I.-The outside of a Cottage near a I waited on a gentleman at Oxford, where I

Wood.

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learnt very near as much as my master; from whence I attended a travelling physician six years, under the facetious denomination of a Merry Andrew, where I learnt physic.

Dor. O that thou had'st followed him still! Cursed be the hour, wherein I answered the parson, 'I will.'

Gre. And cursed be the parson that asked thee the question!

Dor. You have reason to complain of him indeed-who ought to be on your knees every moment, returning thanks to Heaven, for that great blessing it sent you, when it sent you myself. I hope you have not the assurance to think you deserv'd such a wife as me? Gre. No, really, I don't think I do. AIR I-Bessy Bell. DORCAS.

When a lady like me, condescends to agree,
To let such a jackanapes taste her,

With what zeal and care, shou'd he worship the fair,

Who gives him what's meat for his master?

His actions should still

Attend on her will :

Suppose I've a mind he should drub,
Whose bones are they, sir, he's to lick?
At whose expence is it, you scrub?
You are not to find him a stick.

Rob. Neighbour, I ask your pardon heartily;

Hear, sirrah, and take it for warning; here, take and thrash your wife; beat her as you

To her he should be

Each night on his knee,

And so he should be on each morning.

Gre. Meat for my master! you were meat for your master, if I an't mistaken. Come, come, Madam, it was a lucky day for you, when you found me out.

Dor. Lucky, indeed! a fellow, who eats every thing I have!

Gre. That happens to be a mistake, for I drink some part on't.

Dor. That has not even left me a bed to lie On!

Gre. You'll rise the earlier.

Dor. And who, from morning till night, is eternally in an alehouse!

Gre. It's genteel; the squire does the

same.

Dor. Pray, sir, what are you willing I shall do with my family?

Gre. Whatever you please.

Dor. My four little children, that are continually crying for bread?

Gre. Give 'em a rod! best cure in the world for crying children.

Dor. And you imagine, sot

Gre. Hark ye, my dear, you know my temper is not over and above passive, and that my arm is extremely active.

Dor. I laugh at your threats, poor, beggarly, insolent fellow!

Gre. Soft object of my wishing eyes I shall play with your pretty ears.

Dor. Touch me if you dare, you insolent, impudent, dirty, lazy, rascally

Gre. Oh, ho, ho! you will have it then, I find. [Beats her.

Dor. O murder, murder!

Enter Squire ROBERT.

Rob. What's the matter here? Fie upon you, fie upon you, neighbour, to beat your wife in this scandalous manner!

Dor. Well, sir, and if I have a mind to be beat, and what then?

Rob. O dear, madam, I give my consent with all my heart and soul.

Dor. What's that to you, saucebox? Is it any business of your's?

Rob. No, certainly, madam !

Dor. Here's an impertinent fellow for you, won't suffer a husband to beat his own wife;

AIR II.-Winchester Wedding.
Go thrash your own rib, sir, at home,
Nor thus interfere with our strife;

May cuckoldom still be his doom,

Who strives to part husband and wife!

ought to do.

Gre. No, sir, I won't beat her.

Rob. Oh, sir, that's another thing.

Gre. I'll beat her when I please, and will not beat her when I do not please. She is my wife, and not yours.

Rob. Certainly.

Dor. Give me the stick, dear husband.

Rob. Well, if ever I attempt to part husband and wife again, may I be beaten myself.

[Exit ROB. Gre. Come, my dear, let us be friends. Dor. What, after beating me so? Gre. 'Twas but in jest. Dor. I desire you will crack your jests on your own bones, not on mine.

Gre. Pshaw! You know you and I are one, and I beat one half of myself when I beat you. Dor. Yes, but for the future I desire you will beat the other half of yourself.

Gre. Come, my pretty dear, I ask pardon; I'm sorry for't.

Dor. For once I pardon you-but you shall pay for it. [Aside.

Gre. Psha! psha! child, these are only little affairs, necessary in friendship; four or five good blows with a cudgel between your very fond couples only tend to heighten the affections. I'll now to the wood, and I promise thee to make a hundred faggots before I come home again. Erit.

Dor. If I am not revenged on those blows of yours! Oh, that I could but think of some method to be revenged on him! Hang the rogue, he's quite insensible of cuckoldom?

AIR III.-Oh London is a fine town.
In ancient days, I've heard, with horns
The wife her spouse could fright,
Which now the hero bravely scorns,
So common is the sight.
To city, country, camp, ar court,
Or wheresoe'er he go,

No horned brother dares make sport;
They're cuckolds all a-row.

Oh that I could find out some invention to get him well drubbed!

Enter HARRY and JAMES.

Har. Were ever two fools sent on such a message as we are, in quest of a dumb doctor!

James. Blame your own cursed memory, that made you forget his name. For my part, I'll travel through the world rather than return without him; that were as much as a limb or two were worth.

Har. Was ever such a cursed misfortune, to

lose the letter! I should not even know his | as he saw her, he poured out a little drop of name if I were to hear it. something down her throat-he had no sooner done it, than she got out of her bed, and walked about the room as if there had been nothing the matter with her.

Dor. Can I find no invention to be revenged!-Heyday! who are these? James. Hark ye, mistress, do you know where where where doctor-What-d'ye call him lives?

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Dor. Hey! what, has the fellow a mind to banter me?

Har. Is there no physician hereabouts famous for curing dumbness?

Dor. I fancy you have no need of such a physician, Mr. Impertinence.

Har. Don't mistake us, good woman, we don't mean to banter you: we are sent by our master, whose daughter has lost her speech, for a certain physician who lives hereabouts: we have lost our direction, and 'tis as much as our lives are worth to return without him.

Dor. There is one Dr. Lazy lives just by, but he has left off practising. You would not get him a mile to save the lives of a thousand patients.

James. Direct us but to him; we'll bring him with us one way or other, I warrant you.

Har. Ay, ay, we'll have him with us, though we carry him on our backs.

Dor. Ha! Heaven has inspired me with one of the most admirable inventions to be revenged on my hangdog!-[Aside.]-I assure you, if you can get him with you, he'll do your young lady's business for her; he's reckoned one of the best physicians in the world, especially for dumb

ness.

Har. Pray tell us where he lives?

Dor. You'll never be able to get him out of his own house; but if you watch hereabouts, you'll certainly meet with him, for he very often amuses himself here with cutting wood.

Har. A physician cut wood! James. I suppose he amuses himself in searching after herbs, you mean?

Dor. No; he's one of the most extraordinary men in the world: he goes drest like a common clown; for there is nothing he so much dreads as to be known for a physician.

James. All your great men have some strange oddities about them.

Both. O, prodigious!

Dor. 'Tis not above three weeks ago, that a child of twelve years old fell from the top of a house to the bottom, and broke its skull, its arms and legs.-Our physician was no sooner drubbed into making him a visit, than, having rubbed the child all over with a certain ointment, it got upon its legs, and run away to play.

Both. Oh most wonderful!

Har. Hey! Gad, James, we'll drub him out of a pot of this ointment.

James. But can he cure dumbness?

Dor. Dumbness! Why the curate of our parish's wife was born dumb; and the doctor, with a sort of wash, washed her tongue, that he set it a-going so, that in less than a month's time she out-talked her husband.

Har. This must be the very man we were sent after.

Dor. Yonder is the very man I speak of. James. What! that he yonder? Dor. The very same.——— -He has spied us, and taken up his bill.

James. Come, Harry, don't let us lose one moment.-Mistress, your servant; we give you ten thousand thanks for this favour.

Dor. Be sure you make good use of your sticks.

James. He shan't want that.

[Exeunt.

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Gre. Ay, like enough

James. Tis in your power, sir, to do us a very great favour-We come, sir, to implore your

Dor. Why, he will suffer himself to be beat before he will own himself to be a physician-assistance in a certain affair. and I'll give you my word, you'll never make him own himself one, unless you both take a good cudgel and thrash him into it; 'tis what we are all forced to do when we have any need

Gre. Ifit be in my power to give you any assistance, masters, I am very ready to do it.

of him.

James. What a ridiculous whim is here. Dor. Very true; and in so great a man. James. And is he so very skilful a man? Dor. Skilful-why he does miracles. About half a year ago, a woman was given over by all her physicians, nay, she had been dead some ime; when this great man came to her, as soon

James. Sir, you are extremely obliging-But, dear sir, let me beg you to be covered; the sun will hurt your complexion.

Har. For Heaven's sake, sir be covered. Gre. These should be footmen by their dress, but courtiers by their ceremony.

[Aside.

James. You must not think it strange, sir, that we come thus to seek after you; men of your capacity will be sought after by the whole world.

Gre. Truly, gentlemen, though I say it, that should not say it, I have a pretty good hand at a faggot.

James. O, dear sir!

Gre. You may perhaps buy faggots cheaper otherwise; but if you find such in all this country, you shall have mine for nothing. To make but one word then with you, you shall have mine for ten shillings a hundred.

James. Don't talk in that manner, I desire you.

Gre. I could not sell them a penny cheaper, if 'twas to my father.

James. Dear sir, we know you very welldon't jest with us in this manner.

Gre. Faith, master, I am so much in earnest, that I can't bate one farthing.

James. O pray, sir, leave this idle discourse. -Can a person like you amuse yourself in this manner? Can a learned and famous physician like you, try to disguise himself to the world, and bury such fine talents in the woods?

Gre. The fellow's a fool!

James. Let me intreat you, sir, not to dissemble with us.

Har. It is in vain, sir, we know what you

are.

Gre. Know what you are! what do you know of me?

Jumes. Why, we know you, sir, to be a very great physician.

Gre. Physician in your teeth: I a physician!

James. The fit is on him- -Sir, let me beseech you to conceal yourself no longer, and oblige us to—you know what.

Gre. Devil take me if I know what, sir! But I know this, that I'm no physician.

James. We must proceed to the usual remedy, I find-And so you are no physician. Gre. No.

James. You are no physician?

Gre. No, I tell you.

Jumes. Well, if we must, we must.

[Beat him. Gre. Oh, oh! gentlemen, gentlemen! what are you doing? I am-Iam-whatever you please to have me.

James. Why will you oblige us, sir, to this violence?

Har. Why will you force us to this troublesome remedy?

SCENE I.-SIR JASPER'S house.

Enter SIR JASPER and JAMES.

Sir Jas. Where is he? Where is he?

James. I assure you, sir, it gives me a great deal of pain.

Gre. I assure you, sir, and so it does me. But, pray, gentlemen, what is the reason that you have a mind to make a physician of me?

James. What! do you deny your being a physician again?

Gre. And the devil take me if I am! Har. You are no physician? Gre. May 1 be poxed if I am!- -[They beat him—Oh, oh!- -Dear gentlemen! oh! for Heaven's sake! I am a physican, and an apothecary too, if you'll have me; I had rather be any thing than be knocked o' the head.

James. Dear sir, I am rejoiced to see you come to your senses; I ask pardon ten thousand times for what you have forced us to.

Gre. Perhaps I am deceived myself, and I am a physician, without knowing it. But, dear gentlemen, are you certain I'm a physician?

James. Yes, the greatest physician in the world.

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Gre. Shall I have whatever I will de mand?

James. You may depend upon it.

Gre. I am a physician without doubt-I had forgot it; but I begin to recollect_myself.-Well, and what is the distemper I am to cure?

James. My young mistres, sir, has lost her tongue.

Gre. The devil take me if I have found it?But, come, gentlemen, IfI must go with you, I must have a physician's habit; for a physician can no more prescribe without a full wig, than without a fee. [Exeunt.

ACT II.

James. Only recruiting himself after his journey. You need not be impatient, sir; for were

my young lady dead, he'd bring her to life again. He makes no more of bringing a patient to life, than other physicians do of killing him.

Sir Jas. 'Tis strange so great a man should have those unaccountable odd humours you mentioned.

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