Emily. Sir! Tam. 'Sdeath, I have not power to speak to her!--This strange and sudden alteration in your behaviour, madam—————— Emily. Alteration! none at all, sir: the change is on your side, not mine. I'll be judged by this gentleman. Captain Johnson, here's a miniature of the colonel, which he sat for just before he went abroad-done by a good hand, and reckoned a striking likeness. Did you ever see a poor creature so altered? [Giving a bracelet. Flo. Why, really, madam, there is, I must own, a very visible difference at present. That black ribband [Looking by turns on the picture and COLONEL TAMPER ] makes a total eclipse of the brilliancy of this right eye- and then the irregular motion of the leg gives such a twist to the rest of the body that Tam. Sir! -But it is to you I address myself at present, madam. I was once fond and foolish enough to imagine that you had a heart truly generous and sensible; and flattered myself that it was above being shaken by absence, or affected by events. How have I been deceived! I find that Emily. Pardon me, sir; I never deceived you; nay, you see that I disdained the thought of deceiving you even for a day. Out of respect to our late mutual attachment, I am resolved to deal openly with you. In a word, then, every thing between us must now be at an end. Tam. Confusion! every thing at an end! and can you, can you, Emily, have the courage to tell me so? Emily. Why not? Come, come, Colonel Tamper, vanity is your blind side. Tam. Zounds, madam! Emily. Don't be in a passion. Do but consider the matter calmly; and though it may rather be displeasing, yet, when you have duly weighed all circumstances, I'm sure you must do me the justice to acknowledge my sincerity. Tam. I shall run mad-Is it possible, Emily? -Sincerity do you call this?-Dissimulationdamned dissimulation! Emily. Have patience, sir! The loss of your whole fortune would have been trifling to me;but how can I reconcile myself to this mangling of your figure? Let me turn the tables on you for a moment-Suppose now, colonel, that I had been so unfortunate as to have lost a leg and an eve, should you, d'ye think, have retained your affection inviolable for me? out horror; nay, was I even, from a vain point of honour, to adhere to my engagements with you, I could never conquer my disgust. It would be a most unnatural connection. Would not it, Captain Johnson? Tam. Hell!'Sdeath! Confusion! How steadily she persists in her perfidy! Madam! Madam-I shall choak with rage—but one word, and I am gone for ever-for ever, for ever, madam ! Emily. What would you say, sir? Tam. Tell me then-and tell me truly: have not you received the addresses of that gentleman? Emily. He has honoured me with them, I confess, sir; and every circumstance is so much in his favour, that I could have no manner of objection to him, but my unfortunate engagements to you-But since your ill fortune has invincibly divorced us from each other, I think I am at liberty to listen to him. Tam. Matchless confidence!—Mighty well, madam! It is not then the misfortunes that have befallen me, but the charms you have found in that gentleman, which have altered your inclination. Flo. Well, sir! and what then, sir? The lady I presume, is not included, like an old mansionhouse, in the rent-roll of your estate, or the inventory of your goods and chattels ? her hand, I hope, is still her own property, and she may bestow it on you or me, or any body else, just as she pleases. Tam. You are a villain, sir-Withdraw! Bell. Oh Heavens! here will be murderDon't stir, I beg you, sir! Flo. O, never fear me, madam; I am not such a poltroon as to contend with that gentlemanDo you think I would set my strength and skill against a poor blind man, and a cripple? Tam. Follow me, sir! I'll soon teach you to use your own legs. Flo. Oh, the sturdy beggar! stir your stumps and begone; here's nothing for you, fellow! Tam. Villain ! Flo. Poor man ! Tam. Scoundrel! Flo. Pr'ythee, man, don't expose yourself. Tum. Puppy! Flo. Poor wretch! Emily. What, quarrel before ladies! Oh, for shame colonel! Tam. This is beyond all sufference. I can contain no longer-Know, then, madam, [To EMILY.] to your utter confusion, I am not that mangled thing which you imagine me-You may madam Tam. False, false woman! Have a care, Emily have a care, I say, or you'll destroy your fame and happiness for ever. Consider what you are doing, ere you make a final resolution-see You'll repent your inconstancy, I tell you beforehand-upon my soul, you will-You'll have more reason to repent it, than you can possibly imagine. Emily. Why will you oblige me now to say shocking things to you? it goes against me to tell you so; but I can't even see you now with Emily.) Bell. Flo. [Resuming his natural manner. Ha, ha, ha! [Laughing violently. Emily. A wonderful cure of lameness and blindness! Your case is truly curious, sir; and attested by three credible witnesses-Will you give us leave to print it in the public papers? Tam. Madam, madam ! Flo. I think the story would make a figure in the Philosophical Transactions. Tum. Sir! Bell. A pretty leg, indeed! Will you dance a minuet with me, colonel? Emily. Your wounds are not mortal, I hope, colonel? Tam. No, madam! my person, I thank Heaven, is still unhurt. I have my legs, both legs, madam; and I will use them to transport me as far as possible from so false a woman-I have my eyes, too; my eyes, madam; but they shall never look on you again, but as the most faithless and ungrateful of your sex! Emily. I am surprised how he could act it so well! Pray, let us see you do it again, colonel-How was it, eh? [Mimicking.] hip-hop, hip-hop, like prince Volscius, I think. Tam. I took that method, madam, to try your truth, constancy, and affection. I have found you void of all those qualities, and I shall have reason to rejoice at the effect of my experiment as long as I live. Emily. If you meant to separate yourself from me, you have indeed taken an excellent method. And a mighty proof you have given of your own affection, truly! Instead of returning, after an anxious absence, with joy, into my presence, to come home with a low and mean suspicion, with a narrow jealousy of mind, when the frankness and generosity of my behaviour ought to have engaged you to repose the most unlimited confidence in me. Tam. The event, madam, has but well warranted my experiment. Emily. And shall justify it, sir, still more: for here, before your face, I give my hand to this gentleman; solemnly declaring, that it shall never be in your power to dissolve the connection formed between us. Tam. As to you madam, your infidelity be your punishment. But that gentleman shall hear from me. Flo. I defy you, sir! Emily. Nothing farther remains between us; leave me, sir! Tam. I am gone, madam! and so help me, Heaven, never, never to return——— Enter MAJOR BELFORD. [Going. Belf. How! going in a passion? Hold, Tamper-All in confusion! I thought so-and came to set matters to rights again. Flo. What do I see! Major Belford! Major Tum. Belford's Belleisle lady, as I live! My rival a woman ! I begin to feel myself very ridiculous. Belf. What wonder, my love, has brought you hither, and in this habit. Fol. Oh, sir, I have a long story to relate. At present let it suffice to say, that that lady's brother has been the noblest of friends to me; and she herself, this morning, generously vouchsafed to take me under her protection. At my Belf. I am bound to them for ever. return I found letters from your father, who, supposing you was in England with me, wrote to acquaint me that he was inconsolable for your loss, and that he would consent to our union if I would but assure him that you was safe and well. The next post shall acquaint him of our good fortune. lucky fellow? Well, Tamper, am not I a Tam. Oh, Belford! I am the most miserable dog in the world! Belf What! you have dropped your mask, I see-You're on your own legs again; I met Prattle in the street-He stopt his chariot to speak to me about you, and I found that he had blown you up, and discovered to the ladies that you was returned, quite unhurt, from the Havannah. Tam. Did that coxcomb betray me? That accounts for all Emily's behaviour-Oh, major, I am ruined past redemption! I have behaved most extravagantly, both to your lady and Emily. I shall never be able to look them in the face again. Belf. Ay, ay, I foresaw this. Did not I tell you that you would expose yourself confoundedly? However, I'll be an advocate for youmy Florival shall be an advocate for you; and I make no doubt but you will be taken into favour again. Emily Does he deserve it, major? Eelf. Why, madam, I can't say much for him, or myself either, faith-We must rely entirely on your goodness. Flo. He's a true penitent, I see, madam; and I'll answer for it, he loves you to excess-Nay, look on him. Emily. Was it well done, colonel, to cherish a mean distrust of me? to trifle with the partiality I had shown to you; and to endeavour to give me pain, merely to secure a poor triumph over my weakness to yourself? Tam. I am ashamed to answer you. Belf. A very reasonable request. Come, madam, pity the poor fellow, and admit him to your good graces again. Flo. Let us prevail on you, dear madam. Bell. Go, you provoking wretch! 'tis more ford, I give you joy-Madam [To FLORIVAL.]-mistress, and you as fortunate in not losing I have behaved so ill to you, I scarce know how to give you joy as I ought. Belf. Come, come, no more of this at present. Now we have on all sides ratified the preliminaries, let us settle the definitive treaty as soon as we can-We have been two lucky fellows, Tamper-I have been fortunate in finding my yours. Tum. So we have, Belford; and I wish every brave officer in his Majesty's service had secured to himself such comfortable winter-quarters as we have, after a glorious campaign. [Exeunt omnes. His word, Even Fate, Though so great, For a straw. Cow'd deities, To stir must cease Or gnaw. Jup. [Rising.] Immortals, you have heard your plaintiff sovereign, And culprit Sol's high crimes. Shall we, who govern, Brook spies upon us? Shall Appollo trample On our commands? We'll make him an exam-SCENE II.—A champaign Country, with a dis ple! As for you, Juno, curb your prying temper, or Think not, lewd Jove, Thus to wrong my chaste love; For spite of your rakehelly godhead, By day and by night, Juno will have her right, Nor be of dues nuptial defrauded. I'll ferrit the haunts Of your female gallants; tant Village; violent Storm of Thunder and Lightning. A Shepherd, sleeping in the Field, is roused by it, and runs away frightened, leaving his Cloak, Hat, and Guitar, behind him. APOLLO, as cast from Heaven, falls to the Earth, with a rude shock, and lies for a while stunned; at length he begins to move, rises, advances, and looking forward, speaks; after which, enters to him SILENO. Apollo. Zooks! what a crush! a pretty decent tumble! Kind usage, Mr. Jove-sweet sir, your humble. Here doom'd to stay.-What can I do? turn low, Nor doubt I, with my voice, guitar, and person, In vain you in darkness enclose them; Hum! plays, I see, upon the hurdy-gurdy. I'll plunge to the shades, Or into cows metamorphose them. Jup. Peace, termagant!-I swear by Styx, our Shall hurl him to the earth-Nay, never wonder, Apollo. Hold, hold! have patience, AIR. oy your friends advised, Seems out of place-a stranger--all in tatters; |