that came in vid one Strongbow but t'other day -lord, not above six or seven hundred years ago; whereas my family, by my fader's side, are all true old Milesians, and related to the O'Flahertys, and O'Shocknesses, and the Mac Laughlins, the O'Donnaghans, O'Callaghans, O'Geogaghans, and all the tick blood of the nation and I myself, you know, am an O'Brallaghan, which is the ouldest of them all. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! ay, ay! I believe you are of an auncient family, Sir Callaghan, but you are oot in one point. Sir C. What is that, Sir Archy? Sir A. Where yee said yee were as auncient as any family i'the three kingdoms. Sir C. Faith, den, I said nothing but truth. Sir A. Hut, hut, hut away, mon, but awaw, ye mo no say that; what the de'el, consider our famcelies i'th' North; why yee of Ireland, sir, are but a colony frai us, an oot cast! a mere oot cast, and as such yee remain tull this hoor. Sir C. I beg your pardon, Sir Archy, that is the Scotch account, which, you know, never speaks truth, because it is always partial;but the Irish history, which must be the best, because it was written by an Irish poet of my own family, one Shemus Thurlough Shannaghan O'Brallaghan, and he says, in his chapter of genealogy, that the Scots are all Irishmen's bastards. Sir A. Hoo, sir! baistards! do yee make us illegeetemate, illegeetemate, sir? Sir C. Faith I do-for the youngest branch of our family, one Mac Fergus O'Brallaghan, was the very man that went from Carrickfergus, and peopled all Scotland with his own hands; so that, my dear Sir Archy, you must be bastards of course you know. little of that fun, come your ways to the right spot my dear. Sir A. No equeevocation, sir, donna yee think yec ha' gotten Beau Mordecai to cope with. Defeud, ersel, for by the sacred honour of Saint Andrew, yee shall be responsible for macking us illegeetemate, sir, illegeetemate. Sir C. Then, by the sacred crook of Saint Patrick, you are a very foolish man to quarrel about such a trifle. But since you have a mind for a tilt, have at you, my dear, for the honour of the sod. Oho! my jewel! never fear as, yoû are as welcome as the flowers in May. Enter CHARLOTTE. [They fight. Char. O bless me, gentlemen! What are you doing? What is all this about? Sir C. Madam, it is about Sir Archy's great grandmother. Char. His great granmother! Sir C. Yes, madam, he is angry that I said my ancestor, Fergus O'Brallaghan, was a gallant of theirs. Char. Grandmother! pray, Sir Archy, what is the meaning of all this? Sir A. Madam, he has cast an affront upon a whole nation. Sir C. I am sure if I did, it was more than I intended; I only argued out of the history of Ireland, to prove the antiquity of the O'Brallaghans. Sir A. Weel, sir, since yee say yee did na intend the affront, I am satisfied. [Puts up his sword. Sir C. Not I, upon my honour;-there are two things I am always atraid of; the one is of being affronted myself, and the other of affront Sir A. Vary weel, sir, vary weel. Sir A. Hark'e, Sir Callaghan, though yeering any man. ignorance and vanety would make conquerors and ravishers of yeer auncestors, and harlots and Sabines of our maithers-yat, yee shall prove, sir, that their issue are all the cheeldren of honour. Sir C. Hark'e, hark'e, Sir Archy, what is that yee mentioned about ignorance and vanity? Sir A. Sir, I denoonce yee both ignorant and vain, and make yeer most of it. Sir C. Faith, sir, I can make nothing of it; for they are words I don't understand, because they are what no gentleman is used to: and therefore, you must unsay them. Sir A. Hoo, sir! eat my words? a North Briton eat his words? Sir C. Indeed you must, and this instant eat them. pon. Sir A. Yee shall first eat a piece of this wea[Draws. Sir C. Poo, poo, Sir Archy, put up, put upthis is no proper place for such work; consider, drawing a sword is a very serious piece of business, and ought always to be done in private: we may be prevented here; but if you are for a Char. That is a prudent and a very generous maxim, Sir Callaghan. Sir Archy, pray let me beg that this business may end here: I desire you will embrace, and be the friends you were before this mistake happened. Sir A. Madam, yeer commands are absolute. Sir C. Madam, with all my heart and soul. I assure you, Sir Archy, I had not the least intention of affronting, or quarrelling with you. [Offers to embrace. Sir A. [Starting from him with contempt.] Vary weel, sir, vary weel. Sir C. Oh! the curse of Cromwell upon your proud Scotch stomach. Char. Well, gentlemen, I am glad to see you are come to a right understanding-I hope 'tis all over. Sir A. I am satisfied, madam; there is an end on't. But now, Sir Callaghan, let me tell yee ass a friend, yee should never enter intul a dispute aboot lecterature, history, or the anteequity of fameelies, for yee ha' gotten sic a wecked, aukard, cursed jargon upon your tongue, that yee are never inteelegeble in yeer language. Sir C. Ha, ha, ha! I beg your pardon, Sir Archy, it is you that have got such a cursed twist of a fat Scotch brogue about the middle of your own tongue, that you can't understand good English when I spake it to you. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! weel, that is droll enough, upon honour-yee are as guid ass a farce or a comedy; but yee are oot again, Sir Callaghan, it is yee that hai the brogue, and not me; for aw the world kens I speak the Sooth Country so weel, that wherever I gang, I am awways taken for an Englishman: but we wool make judgment by the lady, which of us twa has the brogue. Sir C. O, with all my heart. Fray, madam, have I the brogue? Char. Ha, ha, ha! not in the least, Sir Callaghan, not in the least. Sir C. I am sure I could never perceive it. Char. Pray, Sir Archy, drop this contention, or we may chance to have another quarrel-you both speak most elegant English; neither of you have the brogue; neither. Ha, ha, ha! Enter a Servant.. Serv. The ladies are come, madam, and Sir Theodore desires to speak with you. Char. I will wait on him [Exit SERVANT.] Gentlemen, your servant-you will come to us! [Exit. Sir A. Instantly, madam. Weel, Sir Callaghan, donna let us drop the deseegn of the letter notwithstanding what has happened. Sir C. Are we friends, Sir Archy? Sir A. Pooh! upon honour am I; it was aw a mistake, Sir C. Then give me your hand; I assure you, Sir Archy, I always love a man when I quarrel with him, after I am friends. Enter a Servant. Serv. Dinner is served, gentlemen. Sir A. Come along then, Sir Callaghan-L will bring yee and the lady together after deener, and then we shall see hoo yee will make yeer advances in love. Sir C. O never fear me, Sir Archy-I will not stay to make a regular seige of it, but will take her at once with a coup de main, or die upon the spot; for as the old song says, Sir Archy[Sings to an Irish tune. You never did hear of an Irishman's fear, The foe and the fair we always take care der. ACT II. SCENE I.-A Room in SIR THEODORE GOODCHILD'S House. Enter SIR ARCHY and CHARLOTTE. Sir A. Adswuns, madam, step intul us for a moment, yee wul crack yoursel wi' laughter; we hai gotten anaither feul come to divert us unexpectedly, which I think is the highest finished feul the age has produced. without surprising the world with some new stroke. Enter MORDECAI. Morde. O madam! ha, ha, ha! I am expir ing-such a scene betwixt your two lovers, Squire Groom, and Sir Callaghan:-They have challenged each other. Char. O heavens, I hope not. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! that's guid, that's guid! I thought it would come to action; ha, ha, ha! that's clever-now we shall hai one of them Char. Whom do you mean, Sir Archy? Sir A. Squire Groom, madam; but such a figure, the finest yee ever beheld: his leetle half beuts, black cap, jockey dress, and aw his pon-penk'd; ha, ha, ha! tificabilus, just as he rid the match yesterday at Yorke. Anteequity, in aw its records of Greek and Roman folly, never produced a senator, veeseting his mistress, in so compleat a feul's garb. Char. Ha, ha, ha! ridiculous! I thought I had done wondering at the mirror of folly; but he is one of those geniuses that never appear Char. How can you laugh, Sir Archy, at such a shocking circumstance? Morde. Don't be frightened, madam, ha, ha, ha! don't be frightened! neither of them will be killed, take my word for it-unless it be with claret, for that's their weapon. startle Char. O Mr. Mordecai, how could you one so ? Sir A. O I am sorry for that-guid faith, I was in hopes they had a mind to show their prowess before their meestress, and that we should hai a leetle Irish, or Newmarket blood spilt; but what was the cause of challenge, Mordecai? Groom. No, no, only to the Stone's end; but then, I have my own hacks, steel to the bottom, all blood-stickers and lappers every inch, my dear-that will come through if they have but one leg out of four. I never keep any thing, madam, that is not bottom.-game, game to the last; ay, ay, you will find every thing that belongs to me game, madam. Morde. Their passion for this lady, sir. Squire Groom challenged Sir Callaghan to drink your ladyship's health in a pint bumper Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! weel seed, squere—yes, -which the knight gallantly accepted in yes, he is game, game to the bottom.-There, an instant, and returned the challenge in a walk aboot, and let us see yeer shapes.—Ha! quart-which was as gallantly received and what a fine feegure; why, yee are so fine a feeswallowed by the squire, ha, ha, ha! and gure, and hai so guid a understanding for it, it is out-braved by a fresh daring of three pints: a peety yee should ever do any thing aw yeer upon which I thought proper to decamp; not life, but ride horse-races.-Do na yee think he thinking it altogether safe to be near the cham-is a cursed ideot, Mordecai? pions, lest I should be deluged by a cascade of claret. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Char. O, monstrous! they will kill themselves. Morde. Never fear, madam. Groom. [Within, halloving.] Come along, Sir Callaghan Brallaghan, haus, haux! hark forward, my honies.. Morde. Here your champion comes, madam. Enter SQUIRE GROOM, drunk. Groom. Madam, I beg a million of pardons for not being with you at dinner-it was not my fault, upon my honour-for I sat up all night, on purpose to set out betimes; hut, about one o'clock, last night, at York, as we were all damned jolly, that fool, Sir Roger Bumper, borrowed my watch to set his by it; there it is-look at it, madam, it corrects the sun-they all stop by it, at Newmarket:-And so, madam, as I was telling you, the drunken block head put mine back two hours, on purpose to deceive me-otherwise I would have held fifty to one I should have been here to a second. Char. O, sir, there needs no apology; but how came you to travel in that extraordinary dress? Groom. A bett, a bett, madam-I rid my match in this very dress, yesterday: So, Jack Buck, Sir Roger Bumper, and some more of them, layed me an hundred each that I would not ride to London and visit you in it, madamha, ha! don't you think I have touched them, madam? ha? I have taken them all in,-ha! hav'n't I, madam? Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Char. You have, indeed, sir; pray what time do you allow yourself to come from York to London? Groom. Ha! time! Why, bar a neck, a leg, or an arm, sixteen hours, seven minutes, and thirty three seconds-sometimes three or four seconds under, that is, to the Stone's end, not to my own house. Sir A. No, no, not tull your own hoose, that would be too much. [Whispering Mordecai. Morde. Um! he is well enough for a squireha, ha! Groom, Madam, I am come to pay my respects to you, according to promise. Well, which of us is to be the happy man! you know, I love you-may I never win a match, if I don't. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Char. O, sir, I am convinced of your passion -I see it in your eyes, Sir A. Weel, but squire, you hai gi us na account how the match went. Char. Pray, what was the match, sir? Groom. Our Contribution, madam. There are seven of us,- -Jack Buck-Lord Brainless-Bob Rattle- (you know Bob, madam, Bob's a damned honest fellow) -Sir Harry Idle -Dick Riot-Sir Roger Bumper-and my self. We put in five hundred a piece, all to ride ourselves, and all to carry my weight.The odds at starting were six and seven to four against me, the field round; and the field, ten, fifteen, and twenty to one-for you must know, madam, the thing I was to have rid was let down-do you mind?—was let down, madam, in his exercise. Sir A. That was unlucky. Groom. O, damned unlucky! however, we started off score, by Jupiter; and for the first half mile, madam, you might have covered us with your under petticoat. But your friend Bob, madam-ha, ha! I shall never forget it; poor Bob went out of the course, and ran over two attornies, an exciseman, and a little beau Jew, Mordecai's friend, madain, that you used to laugh at so immoderately at Bath- -a little, fine, dirty thing, with a chocolate colour'd phiz, just like Mordecai's.— The people were in hopes he had killed the lawyers, but were damnably disappointed, when they found he had only broke a leg of one, and the back of the other. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Sir A. And hoo did it end, squire? Who won the subscription? Groom. It lay between Dick Riot and me. We were neck and neck, madam, for three iniles, as bard as we could lay leg to ground-made running every inch; but at the first loose, I felt for him, found I had the foot-knew my bottom —pull'd up—pretended to dig and cut-all fudge all fudge, my dear; gave the signal to pond, to lay it on thick-had the whip hand all the way lay with my nose in his flank, under the wind thus, snug, snug, my dear, quite in hand; while Riot was digging and lapping, right and left-but it would not do, my dear, against foot, bottom, and head; so within a hundred yards of the distance post, poor Dick knock'd up as stiff as a turnpike, and left me to canter in by myself, and to touch them all round; for I took all the odds, split me-Ha! Wasn't I right?Ha! took the odds. Ay, ay, took all the odds, my dear. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Sir A. Weel, it is wonderful to think to what a pitch of axcellence oor nobeelity are arrived at in the art of sporting ;-I believe we axcel aw the nobeelity in Europe in that science, especially in jockeyship. Groom. Sir Archy, I'll tell you what I will do -I will start a horse, fight a main, hunt a pack of hounds, ride a match, or a fox chace, drive a set of horses, or hold a toast, with any nobleman in Europe, for a thousand each—and I say done first, damn me. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Sir A. Why I know ye wull, and I will gang yeer hoves. Why, madam, the squire is the keenest sportsman in aw Europe : madam, there is naithing comes amis tull him; he will fish, or fowl, or hunt-he hunts every thing; every thing, frai the flee i'the blonket to the elephant in the forest. He is at aw-a perfect Nimrod; are ye not, squere? Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Groom. Yes, damn me, I am a Nimrod, madam ; at all, at all-any thing, any thing,-Why I ran a snail with his grace, the other day, for five hundred-nothing in it-won it hollow, above half a horn's length. Sir A. By above half a horn's length, that was hollow indeed, squire. Groom. O, devilish hollow. Sir A. But where is Sir Callaghan aw this time? Groom. Oh! he's with Sir Theodore, who is joking him about his drinking bumpers with me, and his passion for you, madam. Sir A. Ye mun ken gentlemen, this lady and I hai laid a scheme to hai a leetle sport with Sir Callaghan-now, if ye wool stoop behind that screen and promise to be silent, I'll gang and fetch him, and ye shall hear him make love as fierce as any hero in a tragedy. Groom. Sir Archy, I'll be as silent as a hound at fault. Sir A. Then do ye retire, madam, and come in tull him, as if ye came on purpose-I'll fetch him in an instant. Char, I shall be ready, Sir Archy. [Exit. Sir A. Speak bawldly, man; ye ken the old proverb, Faint heart Sir C. That is true-never won fair lady.'-Yes I think now I have got a bumper or two, I may tell her my passion, and bring the point to an ecclaircissement. Sir A. Ay, that's reeght, mon! steek to that, she wull be wi'ye in a twankling.-Yeer servant, I wish yee guid success. [Exit. Sir C. Sir Archy, your servant! Well, now what an 1 to do in this business?—I know it is a great scandal for a soldier to be in love in time of war-I strive to keep her out of my mind, but can't; the more I strive to do it, the more she comes in. I am upon the forlorn hope here, so must e'en make my push with vigour at once. Enter CHARLOTTE. Char. Sir Callaghan, your servant. Sir C. Madam, I humbly beg your pardon, for not seeing of you sooner; but I was spaking a soliloquy to myself about your ladyship, and that kept me from observing you. Char. Sir Theodore told me you wanted to speak to me upon some particular business. Sir C. Why, look you, madam, for my part I was never born or bred in a school of compli ments, where they learn fine bows, and fine speeches; but in an academy, where heads, and legs, and arms, and bullets, dance country dances without the owner's leave; just as the fortune of war directs. Therefore, madam, all that I can say to you is, that your eyes have made me a prisoner of war, that Cupid has made a garrison of my heart, and kept me to devilish hard duty; and if you don't relieve me, I shall be a dead man before I come to action. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Char. Upon one condition I will, which is, that you will do me the favour to let me hear you sing it. Sir C. O dear madam, don't ax me; it is a foolish song, a mere bagatelle Char. Nay, I must insist upon hearing it, as you expect or value the smiles, or fear the frowns of your mistress; for by your poetry I shall judge of your passion. Sir C. Then, madam, you shall have it, if it were ten times worse-hem, hem !-fal, lal, la! ha! I don't know how I shall come about the right side of my voice. Sir A. Ay, ay, noo for it, noo yee shall hear sic a song as has nai been penn'd sin the time they first clepp'd the wings and tails of the wild Irish. Sir C. Now, madam, I tell you before hand you must not expect such fine singing from me, as you hear at the Opera; for you know, we Irishmen are not cut out for it, like the Italians. Let other men sing of their goddesses bright, Ten times in each day to my charmer I come, For Cupid he seizes my heart by surprize, eyes. Her little dog Pompey's my rival, I see ; Instead of a lap-dog, take me to your arms. Sir A. Come, now the song is over, let us steal off. [Aside. Groom. He is a damn'd droll fellow-Instead of a lap-dog take me to your arms. [Aside. Sir A. Hush! softly, donna let him see us; steal off, steal off-he is an axcellent droll fellow; a deevilish comical cheeld. [Exeunt SIR ARCHY, GROOM, and MORDECAI. Char. Well, Sir Callaghan, your poetry is excellent; nothing can surpass it but your singing. Sir C. Look'e, madam, to come to the point: I know I can't talk fine courtship, and love and nonsense, like other men, for I don't speak from my tongue, but my heart; so that if you can take up your quarters for life with a man of honour, a sincere lover, and an o nest Prussian soldier, now is your time, I am your man: what do you say, madam? Come, speak the word boldly, and take me to your arms. Char. Ha, ha, ha! don't be so violent, Sir Callaghan-but say a lady were inclined to do herself the honour of going before a priest with you, I suppose you would have so much complaisance for your mistress, as to quit your trade of war, and live at home with her, where she to request it of you. Sir C. Why, look you, madam, I will deal with you, like a man of honour in that point too, and let you into a secret. I have received the king my master's money (and a brave king he is I assure you (for above seventeen years, when I had none of my own; and now I am come to a title and fortune, and that he has need of my service, I think it would look like a poltroon to leave him ;-no, madam, it is a rule with me never to desert my king, or my friend in distress. Char. Your sentiment is great, I confess: I like your principles; they are noble, and most heroic, but a little too military for me-ha, ha, [Exit. ha! Sir C. What! does she decline the battle? Well, then, I'll not quit the field yet, tho'; I'll reconnoitre her once more, and if I can't bring her to action, why, then, I'll break up the camp at once, ride post to Germany to-morrow morn ing, and so take my leave in a passion, without saying a word. [Exit. Enter SIR ARCHY and MORDECAI. Morde. Pr'ythee, what is the meaning of all this, Sir Archy? the house seems to be in the possession of bailiffs, and Sir Theodore looks and speaks as if an carthquake had just happened. Sir A. Yeer conjecture is vary reeght, Mr. Mordecai, 'tis aw over wi' him-he is undone a baggar, and so is the girl. Morde. You astonish me. Sir A. It is an unexpected business; but 'tis a fact, I assure ve; here he is himsel, poor deevil, hoo dismal be leuks. Enter SIR THEODORE and an Attorney. Sir T. You are the attorney concerned for the creditors, Mr. Atkins? Attor. I am, Sir Theodore, and am extremely sorry for the accident. Sir T. I am obliged to you, sir, you do but your duty: the young lady is that way, sir; if you will step to her, I'll follow you. [Erit Attorney.] I hope you will excuse me, Sir Archy--this is a sudden and unhappy affair; I am unfit for company; I must go, and open it myself to poor Charlotte. [Exit. |