Capt. THIS is the place we were directed to; and now, Puff, if I can get no intelligence of her, what will become of me? Puff. And me too, sir?-You must consider I am a married man, and can't bear fatigue as I have done. But, pray, sir, why did you leave the army so abruptly, and not give me time to fill my knapsack with common necessaries? Half a dozen shirts, and your regimentals, are my whole cargo. Capt. I was wild to get away; and as soon as I obtained my leave of absence, I thought every moment an age till I returned to the place where I first saw this young, charming, innocent, bewitching creature. I did so; but we found the house was shut up; and all the information, you know, that we could get from the neighbouring cottage was, that miss and her aunt were removed to town, and lived somewhere near this part of it. Puff. And now we are got to the place of action, propose your plan of operation. : Capt. My father lives in the next street, so I must decamp immediately, for fear of discoveries you are not known to be my servant; go, make what inquiries you can in the neighbourhood, and I shall wait at the inn for your intelligence. Puff. I'll patrol hereabouts, and examine all that pass; but I have forgot the word, sirMiss Biddy Capt. Bellair Puff. A young lady of wit, beauty, and fif teen thousand pounds fortune-But, sir— Capt. What do you say, Puff? Puff. If your honour pleases to consider, that I had a wife in town whom I left somewhat abruptly half-a-year ago, you'll think it, I believe, but decent to make some inquiry after her first: to be sure it would be some small consolation to me to know whether the poor woman is living, or has made away with herself, or Capt. Pr'ythee don't distract me; a moment's delay is of the utmost consequence; I must insist upon an immediate compliance with my commands. [Exit CAPTAIN. Puff. The devil's in these fiery young fellows they think of nobody's wants but their own. He does not consider that I am flesh and blood as well as himself. However, I may kill two birds at once: for I shan't be surprised if I meet my lady walking the streets-But, who have we here? Sure I should know that face. Enter JASPER from a house. Who's that? my old acquaintance Jasper ! Jas. What, Puff! are you here? Puff. My dear friend! Well, and now, Jasper, still easy and happy? Toujours le même ! What intrigues now? What girls have you ruined, and what cuckolds made, since you and I used to beat up together, eh? Jas. Faith, business has been very brisk during the war; men are scarce, you know: not that I can say I ever wanted amusement in the worst of times-But hark ye, Puff Puff. Not a word aloud; I am incognito. Jas. Why, faith, I should not have known you, if you had not spoke first; you seem to be a little dishabille too, as well as incognito. Whom do you honour with your service now? Are you from the wars? Jus. Not absolutely; the girl, I believe, detests him; but her aunt, a very good, prudent old lady, has given her consent, if he can get her niece's: how it will end, I can't tell--but I'in hot upon't myself. Puff. The devil! not marriage, I hope? Jas. A maid in the same family; a woman of honour, I assure you. She has one husband already, a scoundrel sort of a fellow, that has run away from her, and listed for a soldier; so, towards the end of the campaign, she hopes to have a certificate he's knocked o' the head: if not, I suppose, we shall settle matters another way. Puff. Well, speed the plough!-But hark ye? consummate without the certificate if you can— keep your neck out of the collar-do-I have wore it these two years, and damnably galled I am. Jas. I'll take your advice; but I must run away to my master, who will be impatient for an answer to his message, which I have just delivered to the young lady: so, dear Mr. Puff, I am your most obedient humble servant. Puff. And I must to our agents for my arrears if you have an hour to spare, you'll hear of me at George's, or the Tilt-yard-Au revoir, as we say abroad. [Erit JASPER.] Thus, we are as civil and as false as our betters: Jasper and I were always the beau monde exactly; we ever hated one another heartily, yet always kiss and shake hands-But now to my master,with a head full of news, and a heart full of joy! [Going, starts. Puff. Piping hot, I assure you; fire and smoke will tarnish: a man that will go into such service as I have been in, will find his clothes the 'Angels and ministers of grace defend me !' worse for the wear, take my word for it. But It can't be ! By Heavens, it is, that fretful porhow is it with you, friend Jasper! What, you cupine, my wife! I can't stand it? what shall still serve, I see? you live at that house, II do?—I'il try to avoid her. suppose? Jas. I don't absolutely live, but I am most of my time there. I have, within these two months, entered into the service of an old genman, who hired a reputable servant, and dressed him as you see, because he has taken it into his head to fall in love. Puff. False appetite, and second childhood! But, pr'ythee, what's the object of his passion? Jas. No less than a virgin of sixteen I can assure you. Puff. Oh, the toothless old dotard! Jas. And he mumbles and plays with her till his mouth waters; then he chuckles till he cries, and calls her his Bid and his Bidsy; and is so foolishly fond Puff. Bidsy! what's that?— Jas. Her name is Biddy. Puff Biddy! What, Miss Biddy Bellair? Puff. I have no luck, to be sure. [Aside.]— Oh, I have heard of her; she's of a pretty good family, and has some fortune, I know. But are things settled? Is the marriage fixed? Enter TAG. Tag. It must be he! I'll swear to the rogue at a mile's distance: he either has not seen me, or won't know me. If I can keep my temper, I'll try him farther. Puff. I sweat!-I tremble!-She comes upon me! Tag. Pray, good sir, if I may be so boldPuff. I have nothing for you, good woman; don't trouble me. Tag. If your honour pleases to look this way Puff. The kingdom is overrun with beggars. I suppose the last I gave to has sent this: but I have no more loose silver about me: so, pr'ythee, woman, don't disturb me. Tag. I can hold no longer. you? where have you been, you know me now, varlet? Oh, you villain, scoundrel? Do [Seizes him. Puff. Here, watch, watch! Zounds, I shall have my pockets picked! Tag. Own me this minute hang-dog, and confess every thing, or, by the rage of an injured woman, I'll raise the neighbourhood, throttle | ady, and the old gentleman may go to the you, and send you to Newgate! devil. Puff. Amazement! what, my own dear Tag! Come to my arms, and let me press you to my heart, that pants for thee, and only thee, my true and lawful wife !--Now my stars have overpaid me for the fatigue and dangers of the field. I wandered about, like Achilles, in search of faithful Penelope: and the gods have brought me to this happy spot. [Embraces her. Tag. The fellow's crackt for certain: Leave your bombastic stuff, and tell me, rascal, why you left me, and where you have been these six months, beb? Puff. We'll reserve my adventures for our happy winter evenings-I shall only tell you now, that my heart beat so strong in my country's cause, and being instigated either by honour or the devil (I can't tell which) I set out for Flanders to gather laurels, and lay them at thy feet. Tag. You left me to starve, villain, and beg y bread, you did so. | Tag. Heyday! what's all this? Puff. Say no more; the dice are thrown doublets for us: away to your young mistress, while I run to my master. Tell her Rhodophil, Rhodophil will be with her immediately; then, if her blood does not mount to her face, like quicksilver, in a weather-glass, and point to extreme hot, believe the whole a lie, and your husband no politician. Tug. This is news indeed! I have had the place but a little while, and have not quite got into the secrets of the family: but part of your story is true; and if you bring your master, and miss is willing, I warrant we'll be too hard for the old folks. I Puff. I'll about it straight- But, hold, Tag; had forgot-Pray how does Mr. Jasper do? Tag. Mr. Jasper?-What do you mean? I— I—I— Puff. What! out of countenance, child?O fie! speak plain, my dear—And the certificate; when comes that, eh, love? Tag. He has sold himself, and turned con Puff. I left you too hastily, I must confess; and often has my conscience stung me for it-jurer, or he could never have known it. I am got into an officer's service, have been in several actions, gained some credit by my behaviour, and am now returned with my master to indulge the gentler passions. Tag. Don't think to fob me off with this nonsensical talk. What have you brought me home besides? Puff. Honour, and immoderate love. Tag. Temperance, traitor! temperance! What can you say for yourself? Leave me to the wide world! Puff. Well, I have been in the world too, han't I? What would the woman have? Tag. Reduce me to the necessity of going to service! [Cries. Puff. Why, I'm in service too, your lord and master, an't I, you saucy jade, you?-Come, where dost live? here about? Hast got good vails? Dost go to market? Come, give me a kiss, darling, and tell me where I shall pay my duty to thee. [Aside. Puff. Are you not a jade?—are you not a Jezebel?—arn't you a Tag. O ho! temperance, or I walk off. Bid. [Within] Tag, Tag! Tag. Coming, madam !— where are you, -My lady, calls prepare his re Puff. Shall I bring the certificate with me? [Exit PUFF. Tag. Go, you graceless rogue! you richly [Exit. deserve it. SCENE II.-A chamber. Enter BIDDY. Bid. How unfortunate a poor girl am I ! dare not tell my secret to any body; and, if I don't, I'm undone-Heigh ho! [Sighs.] Pray, Tag, is my aunt gone to her lawyer about me?— Heigh ho! Tag. What's that sigh for, my dear young mistress? [Sighs. Tag. Why, there I live, at that house. [Pointing to the house JASPER came out of. Puff. What! there! that house? Tag. Yes, there; that house. Puff. Huzza! we're made for ever, you slut you; huzza! every thing conspires this day to make me happy! Prepare for an inundation of joy? My master is in love with your Miss Biddy over head and cars, and she with him. I know she is courted by some old fumbler, and her aunt is not against the match; but now we are come, the town will be relieved, and the governor brought over: in plain English, our fortune is made; my master must marry the tray you: but you had as good speak; I Bid. I did not sigh, not I- Bid. What would you have me tell you? Tag. Or the match; either will do, child. Bid. I don't care which, indeed, so I was clear of him-I don't think I am fit to be married Tag. To him you mean! You have no objection to marriage, but the man; and I applaud you for it. But come, courage, miss; never keep it in: out with it all. Bid. If you'll ask me any questions, I'll answer them; but I can't tell you any thing of myself; I shall blush if do. Tag. Well, then; in the first place, pray tell me, Miss Biddy Bellair, if you don't like somebody better than old sir Simon Loveit? Bid. Heigh ho! Tag. What's heigh ho, miss? Bid. When I say heigh ho, it means yes. Tag. Very well: and this somebody is a young handsome fellow? Bid. Heigh ho! Tag. Is that all, my dear? Mighty simple, indeed! [Aside. Bid. One of them is a fine blustering man, and so called captain Flash; he's always talking of fighting and wars: he thinks he's sure of me; but I shall baulk him: we shall see him this afternoon, for he pressed strongly to come; and I have given him leave, while my aunt is taking her afternoon's nap. Tag. And who is the other pray? Bid. Quite another sort of a man. He speaks like a lady for all the world, and never swears as Mr. Flash does, but wears nice white gloves, and tells me what ribbons become my complexion, where to stick my patches, who is the best milliner, where they sell the best tea, and which is the best wash for the face, and the best paste for the hands; he is always playing with my fan, and shewing his teeth! and whenever I speak, he pats me-so-and cries, The devil take me, Miss Biddy, but you'll be my perdition !—ha, ha, ha! Tag Oh, the pretty creature! And what do you call him, pray? Bid. His name is Fribble: you shall see him, too; for, by mistake, I appointed them at the same time: but you must help me out with them. Tag. And suppose your favourite should come to0 Bid. I should not care what became of the Tag. And if you were once his, you'd be as others. merry as the best of us? Bid. Heigh ho! Tag. So far so good! and since I have got you to wet your feet, souce over head at once, and the pain will be over. Bid. There then. [A long sigh.] Now, help me out, Tag, as fast as you can. Tag. When did you hear from your gallant? Bid. I was afraid the letters would fall into my aunt's hands, so I would not let him write to me: but I had a better reason then. Tag. Pray, let's hear that, too. Bid. Why, I thought if I should write to him, and promise him to love nobody else, and should afterwards change my mind, he might think I was inconstant, and call me a coquette. Tag. What a simple innocent it is!— [Aside.]—And have you changed your mind, miss? Bid. No, indeed, Tag; I love him the best of any of them. Tag. Of any of them! Why, have you any more? Bid. Pray, don't ask me. Tug. Nay, miss, if you only trust me by halves, you can't expect Bid. I will trust you with every thing. When I parted with him, I grew melancholy; so, in order to divert me, I have let two others court me, till he return again. Tag. What's his name? Tag. I'll be hanged if it is not Rhodophil! Bid. I am frightened at you! You're a witch, Tag. Tag. I am so; and I can tell your fortune, too. Look me in the face. The gentleman you love most in the world, will be at our house this afternoon: he arrived from the army this morning, and dies till he sees you. Bid. Is he come, Tag? Don't joke with me! Bid. Not to keep you longer in suspence, you must know the servant of your Strephon, by some unaccountable fate or other, is my lord and master: he has just been with me, told me of his master's arrival and impatience Bid. Oh, my dear, dear, Tag, you have put me out of my wits-I am all over in a flutter. I shall leap out of my skin-I don't know what to do with myself! Is he come, Tag? I am ready to faint-I would give the world I had put on my pink and silver robings to-day. Tag. I assure you, miss, you look charmingly. Bid. Do I, indeed, though? I'll put a little patch under my left eye, and powder my hair immediately. Tag. Well, go to dinner first, and then I'll assist you. Bid. Dinner! I can't eat a morsel! I don't know what's the matter with me; my ears tingle, my heart beats, my face flushes, and I tremble every joint of me. I must run in and look at myself in the glass this mo ment. Tag. Yes, she has it, and deeply too: This is no hypocrisy Not art, but nature, now, performs her part, And every word's the language of the heart. [Exeunt SCENE 1.-A chamber. ACT II. Enter CAPTAIN LOVEIT, BIDDY, TAG, and PUFF. Capt. To find you still constant, and to arrive at such a critical juncture, is the height of fortune and happiness. Bid. Nothing shall force me from you; and, if I am secure in your affectionsPuff. I'll be bound for him, madam, and give you any security you can ask. Tag. Every thing goes on to our wish, sir. I just now had a second conference with my old lady; and she was so convinced by my arguments, that she returned instantly to the lawyer to forbid the drawing out of any ings at all and she is determined never to thwart miss's inclinations, and left it to us to give the old gentleman his discharge at the next visit. writ Capt. Shall I undertake the old dragon? Tag. If we have occasion for help, we shall call for you. Bid. I expect him every moment! therefore, I'll tell you what, Rhodophil, you and your man shall be locked up in my bedchamber till we have settled matters with the old gentleman. Capt. Do what you please with me. Tag. You must not be impatient though. Capt. I can undergo any thing with such a reward in view. One kiss, and I'll be quite resigned And now, show me the way. [Exeunt. Tag. Come, sirrah, when I have got you under lock and key, I shall bring you to reason. Puff. Are your wedding clothes ready, my dove? The certificate is come. Tag. Go, follow your captain, sirrah!— march. You may thank Heaven I had patience to stay so long. [Exeunt TAG and PUFF. Enter BIDDY. Bid. I was very much alarmed for fear my two gallants should come in upon us unawares; we should have had sad work if they had. I find 1 love Rhodophil vastly; for though my other sparks flatter me more, I can't abide the thoughts of them now-I have business upon my hands enough to turn my little head -but, egad, my heart's good, and a fig for Let me secdangers! -What shall I do with my two gallants? I must at least part with them decently. Suppose I set them together world! For, if they won't quarrel (as I believe by the ears? The luckiest thought in the they won't), I can break with them for cowards, and very justly dismiss them my service; and, if they will fight, and one of them be killed, the other will certainly be hanged, or rid of both. I am glad I have settled it so run away; and so I shall very handsomely get purely. Enter TAG. Well, Tag, are they safe? Tag. I think so the door's double locked, and I have the key in my pocket. Bid. That's pure; but have you given them any thing to divert them? Tag. I have given the Captain one of your old gloves to mumble; but my Strephon is diverting himself with the more substantial comforts of a cold venison pasty. Bid. What shall we do with the next that comes? Tag. If Mr. Fribble comes first, I'll clap him up into my lady's store-room. I suppose he is a great maker of marmalade himself, and will have an opportunity of making some critical remarks upon our pastry and sweetmeats. Bid. When one of them comes, do you go and watch for the other; and as soon as you see him, run in to us, and pretend it is my aunt, and so we shall have an excuse to lock him up till we want him. Tag. You may depend upon me. Here is one of them. Enter FRIBBLE. Bid. Mr. Fribble, your servant Frib. Miss Biddy, your slave-I hope I have not come upon you abruptly? I should have waited upon you sooner; but an accident happened that discomposed me so, that I was obliged to go home again to take some drops. B |