SHEPHERD. That must hae been a tryin' discovery to the faithfu' creter! I see her on her knees-wi' clasped hauns-as if sayin' her prayers. NORTH. The claret-coloured breeches, in which Christopher North was so much admired by the King-God bless him-when he kept court in Holyrood"were," said Shoosy, "when I held them up between me and the light, oh, master, master-in the bottom part like a very sieve !" SHEPHERD. Maist distressin'! for mendin' moth-eaten claes is perfeckly impossible. But may I mak so free, sir, as to ask, hoo mony pair o' breeks you think you may chance to hae? NORTH. I have every one single pair of breeches, James, that have been made for me since I came of age. They may amount-but, to use the language of the Trade, I have not taken stock for some years-to some four or five hundred pair. SHEPHERD. Do you mean pairs or cooples? For five hunder coople's dooble five hunder pair-a pair o' breeks bein' singular, and a coople of coorse bein' plural. NORTH. Pardon me, James-but I cannot agree with you in thinking a pair o' breeks singular, except indeed, in the Highlands, where the genius of the language SHEPHERD. Bring me some stewed snipes, too, Tapitoury. TAPITOURY. Oh yes! (Absconds.) SHEPHERD. Gin I thocht that imp was mockin' me, I wad pu' his lugs for him NORTH. What is your opinion now, James, of Irish affairs? SHEPHERD. What the deevil hae I to do wi' Eerish affairs? You're gettin' crazy about Eerish affairs a'thegither NORTH. Not quite. But, all that is necessary, I verily do believe, to get stark staring mad about them, is to pay a short visit to Ireland, and gulp a few gallonsnot of her whisky, James, but merely of her atmosphere. SHEPHERD. It'll be a kind o' gas that maks folk daft— NORTH. Look with a discerning spirit over the seven millions, and you will find that the more capacious the lungs, the madder the man. There are Dan O'Connell, and Eneas MacDonnell, and Purcell O'Gorman, and sundry other tremendous Os and Macs, each of whom has capacity for at least a hogshead of atmosphere between back and breast bone, which they spout forth in speech, as madly as the whales do the water, when they leap and play, in the Arctic True. But Dicky, being a man of diminutive proportions, has just enough of madness to make him mischievous, and no more. He can point it, as you would the index of a weather-glass, to the precise circumstances of the time. He weighs his periods in his study, with the nicety of an apothecary in his shop, and models his madness into not unskilful tropes, which even please the fancy, when one can forget the mischief of the intention. SHEPHERD. Let us howp that it is upon natives alone that the influence of the Irish atmosphere has this strange effeck. NORTH. Nay, James, send over the soberest Englishman or Scotchman to Ireland, and unless from great care and a diligent use of counteracting medicines, in the course of no long time he gets as wild as the rest; and in just proportion to the capacity of his lungs, and the number of hours which he passes in the clear open air. SHEPHERD. Is that what they ca' a yippidemic? NORTH. It is. Look at Lord Anglesey, what a changed man, since he has been given to riding about amongst the mountains and the Milesians of Munster! Mr Peel was very little touched while in Ireland, because he took care to come over frequently and take large draughts of English atmosphere; but even he wanted to have a pistol shot at Dan O'Connell, in which desire the said Daniel not appearing very warmly to participate, the Right Honourable Secretary was suffered to exhale his fit of Irishism, without risk of homicide, upon the flats about Calais. Mr Goulburn, again, escaped without the least touch of Irishism; but the reason was, that he was always at work in his office-he did not go abroad, and he brought over a quantity of official atmosphere from England, in which he lived, and moved, and had his being, during his resi dence in the sainted Isle. SHEPHERD. We never heard o' Mr Goolburn in the Forest-but be may be a very clever man for a' that. NORTH. It follows from all this, James, that as the Irish in Ireland are all mad, and as the English sent over there are so very likely to become so, it would be very proper that the English Government should take the affairs of Ireland more immediately into their own hands, and if the Roman Catholics must have an Association, they should be made to hold their club in London, where the change of air, and experienced keepers, would, no doubt, have the most be◄ neficial effects. SHEPHERD. There's plenty o' Eerishmen in this kintra already, without bringing ower the AssociationBut let ony sane man (some one who has arrived from Holyhead the same morning) walk into sic a place as an Eerishman's Association maun be on the day of a debate, and he'll no need to wonder that the wild yet imposin' orgies are productive o' political madness, independent o the atmosphere, which nae doubt helps. Grupp either me or you even, and lock us up in a mad-house wi' raving maniacs, and it 'll soon need a stout chain and a stiff strait waistcoat to keep us down to the floor o' our cell. NORTH. This process goes on in Ireland every day in the year. Suppose you walk into the Association while the dry reports about rent and so forth are being read, there is an air of importance and legislative authority about the assembly which carries you away from the reality of things before you. Men speak of" the other House," meaning thereby the Imperial House of Lords, and no one laughs, or seems to think it an absurdity or a blunder. SHEPHERD. And yet, sir, it is 'maist as absurd as if a set o' noisy neerdoweels sittin' in the Royal Hotel, after the races, were to liken themsells to us o' the Noctes, sitting here in "the ither house." NORTH. But what is all this to the speech-making? The other day an Englishman -of the name of Williams-got up and talked a considerable portion of good sense-not fearing to say even there that the Duke of Wellington was "neither a fool nor a coward"-and, according to the rational course pursued by people brought up where the air does not make them mad, he recommended temper and moderation. Up started a young Irish maniac, or barrister, for in the Association these terms are synonimous, and he launched into a ha rangue about the provocations of Irish Roman Catholics, in a voice of agony, as if all the while some one had been tearing the flesh off his body with redhot pincers. He described the murderings, the floggings, the torturings, the shedding of blood, which were suffered by the Roman Catholics in the last rebellion SHEPHERD. He wud dwell particularly on the bluid. NORTH. -Until it must have appeared to his excited auditory, that they saw the miserable bands of fugitive Papists struggling and plashing through the rivers of gore, which flowed from their slaughtered— SHEPHERD. What a difference atween a pautriot and a demagogue! NORTH. We read these speeches at our breakfast table, and we laugh at their absurdity, and so we ought, for they are absurd; but if we heard them as they are delivered before a great multitude, the illusion might be too strong for any man who has not had some fifty years experience of the emptiness and falsehood of the world, to steel his heart against all enthusiasm. SHEPHERD. You've forgotten your theory o' the atmosphere, sir. But even such a man as you suppose, might be carried away, when the description was one o' misery. Were it of happiness, he might laugh in all the scorn o' unbelief; but guilt and misery, sir, seem true to the old, as well as to the young. NORTH. Why indeed, James, the account of all these horrors, so extravagantly painted by the young counsellor, are true in part; for in all rebellions there must be hanging, and shooting, and cutting of throats with swords, and much burning and outrage. But all these terrible things happen on both sides; and the Papists did not suffer more than did the Protestants in the rebellion of ninety-eight; but there is no one to tell them all this in the Catholic Association, and they go forth maddened with the recollections so vividly and partially called up before them. SHEPHERD. It canna be diffeecult to foresee the effeck o' a' this on the opposite pairty, the Protestants. NORTH. The effect produced in the Protestant Clubs is of the same kind, but less in its degree, in proportion to the comparative smallness of each separate assembly, and the absence of that great and widely-spread authority which attaches itself to the insanities of the Association. Besides, they have not had the practice in this kind of infuriating oratory which the Papists possess, nor have they had, until very lately, much provocation to its exercise. SHEPHERD. There's been nae want o' provocation lately. NORTH. While they were the dominant party, they sunk into culpable slothfulness, and neglected the prudent means of preserving their power, and the stability of the constitution, such as it was given us by our fathers. SHEPHERD. Nae uncommon case, either wi' individuals or nations. NORTH. Above all, they committed the grand error of suffering the power of the parliamentary representation to pass, in a great measure, into the hands of a Roman Catholic tenantry, and now this error recoils upon them with a force which is almost irresistible. SHEPHERD. I'm only surprised, sir, that the Roman Catholic pairty should hae delayed sae lang to make use o' it. NORTH. But now, James, the Protestants see the danger which threatens the ascendency of their church and party in Ireland-Now their orators start forth, and it will go hard with them if they do not soon equal the Papists in vehemence and passion, as they already surpass them in every thing else (save multitude) which makes a party strong. SHEPHERD. Don't you approve of the Brunswick Clubs? NORTH. I do. But the Brunswick Clubs are set up as measures of defence against the Catholic Association: let the latter be put down by solemn and stern interposition of the law, and the Brunswick Clubs will immediately, not dissolve of themselves, but subside into quiescence,—and, to use a favourite expression of the Irish orators, men will no longer halloo" each other on, to glut the savage passion of political revenge. SHEPHERD. What a rickle o' banes on the trenchers on the table and the side-board! Hare-pheasant-groose-snipes-sweet-breeds-palates! no to mention a' the puir bits o' tarts, custards, and jellies-melted awa' like snaw aff a dyke! But is na't a great-a noble-a shublime sicht-the Cauld Roun', towerin' by himsell in the middle o' the board-his sides clothed wi' deep fat, like a mountain wi' snaw-drifts?-and weel does he deserve the name o' mountain-BenButtock-see-see-furrows, as if left by the ploughshare, high up his sides! NORTH. What it is to have the eye and soul of a poet! The mere marks of the twine that kept him together in the briny pickle-tub! (Enter AMBROSE and others with the matcriel.) SHEPHERD. Fair fa' your honest face, Mr Awmrose. Oh! but you're a bonny manand I'm no surprised that Mrs Awm NORTH. Spare Mr Ambrose's blushes-James SHEPHERD. What a posse comitawtus o' them they look, as they're a' leevin' the room, ilka chiel, big and sma', gien a glower outoure his shoother, first at me and then at Mr North! I'll tell you the thing that maist o' a' marks men o' genius like me and you, sir-we never lose our novelty. Ken us for fifty years, and see us every ither week, and still a' folk, o' ony gumption at least, are perfectly delichted-nor can they help wunnerin'-wi' the novelty-as I was sayin'-o' our faces-and the novelty o' our feegars-and the novelty o' our mainers-and the novelty o' every thing we say or do-just as bricht or brichter than the first time they ever saw us atween the een! NORTH. A shallow fellow runs out in a single forenoon call of clishmaclaver-and next time you meet him, the Bohemian chatterer is like a turkey without a tongue. SHEPHERD. The reason is, that his mind's like a boyne that somebody else has filled half fou' o' dirty water-say a washerwoman wi' suds-and whenever it's cowped, the suds o' course fa' out first wi' ae great blash, and then sune dreep through the wee worm-holes o' the yearth, and in a few minutes disappearin* dry and durty. NORTH. While with us, James, the stream of thought is like a river flowing from a lake And only lost in the sea. SHEPHERD. NORTH. Fructifying, as it flows, a hundred realms SHEPHERD. Why even a shallow mind-that's to say, sir, a mind no very deep, if it hae but a natural spring o' its ain, never runs dry, but murmurs alang a bit wee water-coorsey o' its ain seleckin amang the broomy and brackeny banks and braes, weel contented at last to lose its name, but no its nature, in anither mair capacious intellect, sic as mine or yours-like the Eddlestane, or the Quair, or the Leithen, singin' wi' a swirl into the sawmon-haunted Tweed. NORTH. Exquisite, my dear James-exquisite. Give me a companion with a mind of his own-something peculiar at least-if not absolutely original — SHEPHERD. And I'm sure, sir, you would let a dull dungeon o' mere learnin' NORTH. Go hang. What's the matter-James?-What's the matter? SHEPHERD. I really canna help wishin', sir, that there was a mark on the thermometer aboon that o' bilen' water, just for the sake o' whusky toddy. Is the Jug a failure, James? NORTH. SHEPHERD. It wad be sacrilege to whusky like that, to gi'et mair than ae water-but then ae water, especially gin it be the least aff the bile, deadens the jug below the proper pitch o' hetness, nor in a' the realms o' nature, art, and science, is there ony remeed. NORTH. There are many evils and imperfections in our present state of existence, James, to which we must unrepiningly submit. SHEPHERD. Repinin'? Whaever heard me repinin', sir? But surely you're no sae stupit as no to ken the difference atween yawmerin' and moraleezin'! NORTH. They are often not easily to be distinguished, in the writings of those persons who have been pleased to devote their time and talents to the promotion of the temporal and eternal interests of the human race, James. It requires that a man should have a strong mind, James, to get into a pul pit every seventh day, and keep prosing and preaching away, either at people in particular, who are his parishioners, or at mankind at large, who are merely inhabitants of the globe, without contracting a confirmed habit of general insolence, most unbecoming the character of a Gentleman and a Christian. SHEPHERD. Especially ministers that are mere callants, little mair than students o' Divinity-fresh frae the Ha'-and wha, even if they are rather clever, canna but be verra ignorant o' human natur, at least o' its warst vices, it is to be houped; yet how crouse the creters are in the poopit! How the bits o' bantams do craw! SHEPHERD. No, sir; it's neither less nor mair than disgustin'! Disgustin's the verra word. Nae doubt a weak mind, ower sensitive, micht ca' the creter's impidence profanation; but it's no in the power o' a bit shallow, silly, upsettin' ereter, wi' an ee-glass dangling at the breast o' him, though he's nae mair blin' than I am, except, indeed, to his ain insignificance and presumption, and to his character and reputation baith wholesale and retail-wi' his starched neckcloth proppin' up the chouks o' him, as stiff as a black stock-and the hair o' his head manifestly a' nicht in papers-sae, that when you first see him stannin' up in the poopit, you can scarcely help lauchin', at the thocht o' a contrived eemage risin' up out o' a bandbox; it's no sae easy, I say, sir, for a creter o' that kind to profane a kirk. SHEPHERD. The sanctity o' a sma' kintra kirk is strang-strang, sir, whether it be on a dark day, when a sort o' gloamin' hangs aboon and below the laigh galleries, soberin' and tamin' the various colours o' the congregations's sabbath-claes, and gi'en a solemn expression to a' faces, whether pale and wrinkled, or smooth, saft, and shinin' as the moss-roses when bloomin' unseen, a' left alane to their bonny sells, in the gardens o' a' the breathless houses sprinkled in the wilderness, and a' stannin' idle during the hours o' divine worship. VOL. XXIV. 4 P |