Gre. A few physical hard words! Why, in a few hard words consists the science. Would you know as much as the whole faculty in an instant, sir? Come along, come along! Hold; the doctor must always go before the apothecary. [Exeunt. SCENE III-SIR JASPER'S house. Enter SIR JASPER, CHARLOTTE, and Maid. Sir Jas. Has she made no attempt to speak, Jet? Maid. Not in the least, sir; so far from it, that, as she used to make a sort of noise before, she is now quite silent. Sir Jas. [Looking on his watch.]—'Tis almost the time the doctor promised to return-Oh, he is here! Doctor, your servant. Enter GREGORY and LEANDER. Gre. Well, sir, how does my patient? Sir Jus. Rather worse, sir, since your prescription. Gre. So much the better; 'tis a sign that it operates. Sir Jas. Who is that gentlemam, pray, with you? Gre. An apothecary, sir. Mr. Apothecary, I desire you would immediately apply that song I prescribed. Sir Jas. A song, doctor! Prescribe a song? Gre. Prescribe a song, sir! Yes, sir; prescribe a song, sir. Is there any thing so strange in that? Did you never hear of pills to purge melancholy? If you understand these things better than I, why did you send for me? 'Sbud, sir, this song would make a stone speak. But, if you please, sir, you and I will confer at some distance, during the application; for this song will do you as much harm as it will do your daughter good. Be sure, Mr. Apothecary, to pour it down her ears very closely. AIR VI. Lean. Thus, lovely patient, Charlotte sees But what physician e'er can ease Ah, think what I endure! Gre. It is, sir, a great and subtle question among the doctors, Whether women are more easy to be cured than men? I beg you would attend to this, sir, if you pleaseSome say, No; others and No; forasmuch as the incongruity of the say, Yes; and, formy part, I say both Yes opaque humours that meet in the natural temper of v always prevail over the sensible-One sees women, are the cause that the brutal part will that the inequality of their opinions depends upon the black movement of the circle of the moon; and as the sun, that darts his rays upon the concavity of the earth Char. No, I am not at all capable of changing my opinion. Sir Jas. My daughter speaks! my daughter speaks! Oh, the great power of physic! Oh, the admirable physician! How can I reward thee for such a service! Gre. This distemper has given me a most insufferable deal of trouble. [Traversing the stage in a great heat, the Apothecary following.] Char. Yes, sir, I have recovered my speech; but I have recovered it to tell you, that I never will have any husband but Leander, [Speaks with great eagerness, and drives SIR JASPER round the stage. Sir Jas. But Sir Jas. I have Char. I will never submit to this tyranny; and if I must not have the man I like, I'll die a maid. Sir Jas. You shall have Mr. Dapper— Char. No-not in any manner-not in the least-not at all! You throw away your breath; you lose your time: you may confine me, beat me, bruise me, destroy me, kill me; do what you will, use me as you will; but I never will consent; nor all your threats, nor all your blows, nor all your ill usage, never shall force me to consent. So far from giving him my heart, I never will give him my hand: for he is my aversion; I hate the very sight of him; I had rather see the devil! I had rather touch a toad! you may make ine miserable another way; but with him you shan't, that I'm resolved! Gre. There, sir, there! I think we have brought her tongue to a pretty tolerable consist ency. Sir Jas. Consistency, quotha! why, there is no stopping her tongue- -Dear doctor, I desire you would make her dumb again. Gre. That's impossible, sir. All that I can do to serve you is, I can make you deaf, if you please. Sir Jas. And do you think Char. All your reasoning shall never conquer my resolution. Sir Jas. You shall marry Mr. Dapper this evening. Char. I'll be buried first. Gre. Stay, sir, stay! let me regulate this affair; it is a distemper that possesses her, and I know what remedy to apply to it. Sir Jas. Is it possible, sir, that you can cure the distempers of the mind? Gre. Sir, I can cure any thing. Hark ye, Mr. Apothecary! you see that the love she has for Leander is entirely contrary to the will of her father, and that there is no time to lose, and that an immediate remedy is necessary. For my part, I know of but one, which is a dose of purgative running-away, mixt with two drams of pills matrimoniac, and three large handfuls of the arbor vita; perhaps she will make some difficulty to take them; but as you are an able apothecary, I shall trust to you for the success. Go, make her walk in the garden; be sure lose no time; to the remedy quick; to the remedy specific! [Exeunt LEANDER and CHARLOTTE. Sir Jas. What drugs, sir, were those I heard you mention, for I don't remember I ever heard them spoke of before? Gre. They are some, sir, lately discovered by the Royal Society. Sir Jas. Did you ever see any thing equal to her insolence? Gre. Daughters are indeed sometimes a little too headstrong. Sir Jas. You cannot imagine, sir, how foolishly fond she is of that Leander. Gre. The heat of blood, sir, causes that in young minds. Sir Jus. For my part, the moment I discovered the violence of her passion, I have always kept her locked up. Gre. You have done very wisely. Sir Jas. And I have prevented them from having the least communication together: for who knows what might have been the consequence? Who knows but she might have taken it into her head to have run away with him. Enter DORCAS. Dor. Where is this villain, this rogue, this pretended physician? Sir Jas. Heyday! What, what, what's the matter now? Dor. Oh, sirrah, sirrah! Would you have destroyed your wife, you villain? Would you have been guilty of murder, dog? Gre. Hoity toity! What madwoman is this? Sir Jas. Poor wretch! For pity's sake, cure her, doctor. Gre. Sir, I shall not cure her, unless somebody gives me a fee If you will give me a fee, Sir Jasper, you shall see me cure her this the affair. Sir Jus. How! am I abused in this manner? Here! who is there? Bid my clerk bring pen, ink, and paper; I'll send this fellow to jail immediately. James. Indeed, my good doctor, you stand a very fair chance to be hanged for stealing an heiress. Gre. Yes, indeed, I believe I shall take my degrees now. Dor. And are they going to hang you, my dear husband? Gre. You see, my dear wife. Dor. Had you finished the faggots, it had been some consolation. Enter LEANDER and CHARLOTTE. Lean. Behold, sir, that Leander, whom you had forbid your house, restores your daughter to your power, even when he had her in his. I will receive her, sir, only at your handshave received letters, by which I have learnt the death of an uncle, whose estate far exceeds that of your intended son-in-law. -I Sir Jas. Sir, your virtue is beyond all estates; and I give you my daughter with all the pleasure in the world. Lean. Now my fortune makes me happy indeed, my dearest Charlotte !-And, doctor, I'll make thy fortune, too. Gre. If you would be so kind to make me a physician in earnest, I should desire no other fortune. Lean. Faith, doctor, I wish I could do that, in return for your having made me an apothecary; | You may send for a dozen great doctors in vain : but I'll do as well for thee, I'll warrant. All give their opinion, and pocket their fees; Each writes her a cure, though all miss her disPowders, drops, Julaps, slops, Dor. So, so! our physician, I find, has brought about fine matters. And is it not owing to me, sirrah, that you have been a physician at all? Sir Jas. May I beg to know whether you are a physician or not-or what the devil you are? Gre. I think, sir, after the miraculous cure you have seen me perform, you have no reason to ask whether I am a physician or no-And for you, wife, I'll henceforth have you behave with all deference to my greatness. Dor. Why, thou puffed up fool, I could have made as good a physician myself; the cure was owing to the apothecary, not the doctor. AIR.-We've cheated the Parson, &c. When tender young virgins look pale and complain, ease; A cargo of poison from physical shops. What's that to the doctor—since he must be Would you know how you may manage her right? Chorus. Can never vary, &c. Mrs. High. BEGON E, sirrah! Out of my house! Mr. Letter-carrier! and if I ever catch you in it again, your ears shall pay for your audacity. Enter LETTICE. Mrs. High. Oh, Mrs. Lettice, is it you? I am extremely glad to see you-you are the very person I would meet. Let. I am much at your service, madam. Mrs. High. Oh, madam, I know very well that; John. Lord! ma'am, this is not a love-letter and at every one's service, I dare swear, that will from my master to your niece, if the last was-pay for it: but all the service, madam, that I this is only from Mrs. Lettice, to your ladyship's have for you, is to carry a message to your ma woman, to invite her to our house this evening-ster-I desire, madam, that you will tell him we are to have a rout. Mrs. High. A rout, indeed! I'd rout you all to some tune, were I your mistress. But begone, sirrah: I'll listen no longer to your impudence: and tell that saucy jade, Lettice, to send no more of her letters to my house. John. Lord! ma'am, here she is-so, if you please, you can tell her yourself. [Exit. from me, that he is a very great villain, and that I entreat him never more to come near my doors; for, if I find him within them, I will turn my niece out of them. Let. Truly, madam, you must send this by another messenger: but, pray, what has my master done to deserve it should be sent at all? Mrs. High. He has done gothing yet, I believe. I thank Heaven and my own prudence; but I know what he would do. Let. He would do nothing but what becomes a gentleman, I am confident. Mrs. High. Oh! I dare swear, madam. Seducing a young lady is acting like a very fine gentleman; but I shall keep my niece out of the hands of such fine gentlemen. Let. You wrong my master, madam, cruelly; I know his designs on your niece are honourable. Mrs. High. Hussy, I have another match for her: she shall marry Mr. Oldcastle. Let. Oh! then, I find it is you that have a dishonourable design on your niece! Mrs. High. How, sauciness! Let. Yes, madam; marrying a young lady, who is in love with a young fellow, to an old one, whom she hates, is the surest way to bring about I know what, that can possibly be taken. Mrs. High. I can bear this no longer. I would advise you, madam, and your master both, to keep from my house, or I shall take measures you won't like. [Exit. Let. I defy you! We have the strongest party; and I warrant we'll get the better of you. But bere comes the young lady herself. Let. Yes, ma'am; for she has forbid my master ever visiting at yours, and I know it will be impossible for you to live without seeing him. Char. I assure you! Do you think me so fond, then? Let. Do I! I know you are: you love nothing else, think of nothing else all day; and, if you will confess the truth, I dare lay a wager, that you dream of nothing else all night. Char. Then to shew you madam, how well you know me, the deuce take me if you are not in the right! Let. Ah! madam, to a woman practised in love, like me, there is no occasion for confession. For my part, I don't want words to assure me of what the eyes tell me. Oh! if the lovers would but consult the eyes of their mistresses,we should not have such sighing, languishing, and despairing, as we have." SONG. Would lovers ever doubt their ears, What need he trust your words precise, Your soft desires denying; When, Oh! he reads within your eyes And with deceit Nor ever cheat your lover. Enter VALENTINE. Val. My dearest Charlotte! this is meeting my wishes indeed! for I was coming to wait on you. Let. It's very lucky that you do meet her here! for her house is forbidden ground—you have seen your last of that, Mrs. Highman swears. Val. Ha! not go where my dear Charlotte is? What danger could deter me? Char. Nay, the danger is to be mine-I am to be turned out of doors, if ever you are seen in them again. Val. The apprehensions of your danger would, indeed, put it to the severest proof: but why will my dearest Charlotte continue in the house of one who threatens to turn her out of it? Why will she not know another home; one where she would find a protector from every kind of dan ger? Char. How can you pretend to love me, Valentine, and ask me that in our present desperate circumstances? Let. Nay, nay, don't accuse him wrongfully: I won't, indeed, insist, that he gives you any great instance of his prudence by it; but, I'll swear it is a very strong one of his love, and such an instance, as, when a man has once shewn, no woman of any honesty, or honour. or gratitude.can refuse him any longer. For my part, if I had ever found a lover who had not wicked, mercenary views upon my fortune, I should have married him, whatever he had been. Char. Thy fortune! Let. My fortune!-Yes, madam, my fortune. I was worth fifty-six pounds before I put into the lottery: what it will be now I can't tell; but you know somebody must get the great prize, and why not I? Val. Oh, Charlotte! would you had the same sentiments with me! for, by Heavens! I apprehend no danger but that of losing you; and, believe me, love will sufficiently reward us for all the hazards we run on his account. Let. Hist, hist! get you both about your business, Oldcastle is just turned the corner, and if he should see you together, you are undone. Exeunt VALENTINE and CHARLOTTE.] Now will I banter this old coxcomb severely; for, I think it is a most impertinent thing in these old fellows to interpose in young people's sport. Enter OLDCASTLE. Old. Hem, hem! I profess it is a very severe easterly wind, and if it was not to see a sweet |