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tion of time; or do you mean that the story is, have the skill even to steal with taste;-but that tediously spun out?

Mrs. D. O Jud! no.-I speak only with reference to the usual length of acting plays.

Sir F. Then I am very happy. very happy indeed--because the play is a short play, a remarkably short play.-I should not venture to differ with a lady on a point of taste; but, on these occasions, the watch, you know, is the critic. Mrs. D. Then, I suppose, it must have been Mr. Dangle's drawling manner of reading it to me. Sir F. O, if Mr. Dangle read it! that's quite another affair!-but I assure you, Mrs. Dangle, the first evening you can spare me three hours and an half, I'll undertake to read you the whole from beginning to end, with the prologue and epilogue, and allow time for the music between the acts.

Mrs. D. I hope to see it on the stage next. Dan. Well, Sir Fretful, I wish you may be able to get rid as easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of ours.

Sir F. The newspapers!—sir, they are the most villainous-licentious-abominable-infernal-not that I ever read them; no-I make it a rule never to look into a newspaper. Dan. You are quite right; for it certainly must hurt an author of delicate feelings to see the liberties they take.

Sir F. No!-quite the contrary; their abuse is, in fact, the best panegyric. I like it of all things. An author's reputation is only in danger from their support.

Sneer. Why, that's true; and that attack now on you the other day

Sir F. What? where?

Dan. Aye, you mean in a paper of Thursday; it was completely ill-natured to be sure.

Sir F. O, so much the better-ha, ha, ha! I wouldn't have it otherwise.

Dan. Certainly it is only to be laughed at; forSir F. You don't happen to recollect what the fellow said, do you?

Sneer. Pray, Dangle-Sir Fretful seems a little anxious

Sir F. O lud, no! Anxious-not I-not the least. I-but one may as well hear, you know. Dan. Sneer, do you recollect?-make out something. [Aside. Sncer. I will. [To DANGLE.] Yes, yes; I remember perfectly.

Sir F. Well, and pray now-not that it signifies-what might the gentleman say?

Sneer. Why, he roundly asserts that you have not the slightest invention, or original genius, whatever; though you are the greatest traducer of all other authors living.

Sir F. Ha, ha, ha !—very good!

Sncer. That as to comedy, you have not one idea of your own, he believes, even in your common-place book-where stray jokes, and pilfered witticisms, are kept with as much method as the ledger of the lost and stolen office.

Sir F. Ha, ha, ha!-very pleasant!
Sneer. Nay, that you are so unlucky as not to

you glean from the refuse of obscure volumes, where more judicious plagiarists have been be fore you; so that the body of your work is a composition of dregs and sediments-like a bad tavern's worst wine.

Sir F. Ha, ha!

Sneer. In your more serious efforts, he says, your bombast would be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever suited to the expression; but the homeliness of the sentiment stares through the fantastic incumbrance of its fine language, like a clown in one of the new uniforms! Sir F. Ha, ha!

Sneer. That your occasional tropes and flowers suit the general coarseness of your stile, as tanbour sprigs would a ground of linsey-woolsey; while your imitations of Shakespeare resemble the mimicry of Falstaff's page, and are about as near the standard of the original.

Sir F. Ha!

Sneer. In short, that even the finest passages you steal are of no service to you; for the poverty of your own language prevents their assimilating; so that they lie on the surface, like lumps of marl on a barren moor, encumbe ing what it is not in their power to fertilize!—

Sir F. [After great agitation.] Now another person would be vexed at this.

Sneer. Oh! but I wouldn't have told you, only to divert you.

Sir F. I know it-I am diverted-ha, ha, ha! -not the least invention! ha, ha, lia! very good!-very good!

Sneer. Yes-no genius! ha, ha, ha!

Dan. A severe rogue! ha, ha, ha! but you are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to read such

nonsense.

Sir F. To be sure-for if there is any thing to one's praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it; and if it is abuse,-why, one is always sure to hear of it from one damn'd good-natured friend or another!

Enter Servant.

Serv. Sir, there is an Italian gentleman with French interpreter, and three young ladies, and a dozen musicians, who say they are sent by Lady Rondeau and Mrs. Fuge.

Dan. Gadso! they come by appointment Dear Mrs. Dangle, do let them know I'll see them directly.

Mrs. D. You know, Mr. Dangle, I shan't understand a word they say.

Dan. But you hear there's an interpreter. Mrs. D. Well, I'll try to endure their com plaisance till you come.

[Erit Serv. And Mr. Puff, sir, has sent word, that the last rehearsal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on you presently.

Dan, That's true; I shall certainly be at home. [Exit Servant.] Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have justice done you in the way of answer-egad, Mr. Puff's your man.

Sir F. Pshaw! sir, why should I wish to have

it answer'd, when I tell you I am pleased at it? Dan. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are not fretted at what Mr. Sneer

Sir F. Zounds! no, Mr. Dangle, don't I tell you these things never fret me in the least.

Dan. Nay, I only thought—

Sir F. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damn'd affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt, when I tell you I am not.

Sneer. But why so warm, Sir Fretful?

Sir F. Gadslife! Mr. Sneer, you are as absurd as Dangle; how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the damn'd nonsense you have been repeating to me! and let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, you must mean to insult me, gentlemen; and then your disrespect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticisms; and I shall treat it with exactly the same calm indifference and philosophic con[Exit. tempt; and so your servant. Sncer. Ha, ha, ha! poor Sir Fretful! now will he go and vent his philosophy in anonymous abuse of all modern critics and authors; but, Dangle, you must get your friend Puff to take me to the rehearsal of his tragedy.

Dan. I'll answer for't; he'll thank you for desiring it. But come and help me to judge of this musical family; they are recommended by people of consequence, I assure you.

Sneer. I am at your disposal the whole morning; but I thought you had been a decided critic in music, as well as in literature.

Dan. So I am; but I have a bad ear. Efaith, Sneer, though, I am afraid we were a little too severe on Sir Fretful, though he is my friend.

Sneer. Why, 'tis certain, that, unnecessarily to mortify the vanity of any writer, is a cruelty which mere dulness never can deserve; but where a base and personal malignity usurps the place of literary emulation, the aggressor deserves neither quarter nor pity.

Dan. That's true, cgad! though he's my friend.

[Exit. SCENE II-A Drawing Room, Harpsichord, &c. Italian Family, French Interpreter, MRS. DANGLE, and Servants, discovered.

Interp. Je dis madame, j'ai l'honneur to introduce et de vous demander votre protection pour le Signor Patticcio Ritornello et pour sa charmante famille.

Sig P. Ah! Vosignoria noi vi preghiamo di favoritevi colla vostra protezione.

1 Daugh. Vosigniora fatevi questi grazzie. 2 Daugh. Si Signora.

Interp. Madame, me interpret.-C'est à dire --in English-qu'ils vous prient de leur faire l'honneur

Mrs. D. I say, again gentlemen, I don't understand a word you say.

Sig P. Questo Signore spiegheró. Interp. Oui-me interpret-Nous avons les lettres de recommandation pour Monsieur Dangle de

Mrs. D. Upon my word, sir, I don't under-
stand you.
Sig P. La Contessa Rondeau e nostra padrona.
3 Daugh. Si, padre, et mi Ladi Fuge.
Interp. O!-me interpret.--Madame, ils dis-
ent-in English-qu'ils ont l'honneur d'être pro-
teges de ces dames.-You understand?
Mrs. D. No, sir,-no understand!

Enter DANGLE and SNEER.
Interp. Ah! voici Monsieur Dangle!
All Ital. A! Signor Dangle!

Mrs. D. Mr. Dangle, here are two very civil gentlemen trying to make themselves understood, and I don't know which is the interpreter.

Dan. Eh bien!

Interp. Monsieur Dangle-le grand bruit de vos talents pour la critique et de votre interest avec messieurs les directeurs à tous les théatres.

Sig P. Vosignoria flete si famoso par la vostra conoscensa e vostra interessa colla le direttore da

Speaks together.

Dan. Egad, I think the interpreter is the hardest to be understood of the two!

Sneer. Why I thought, Dangle, you had been an admirable linguist!

Dan. So I am, if they would not talk so damn'd fast.

Sneer. Well, I'll explain that; the less time we lose in hearing them the better; for that I suppose is what they are brought here for.

[SNEER speaks to Sig. PAST.-They sing Trios, &c. DANGLE beating out of time. Enter Servant, and whispers DANGLE. Dan. Shew him up. [Exit Servant.] Bravo! admirable! bravissimo! admirablissimo!—ah, Sneer! where will you find such voices as these in England?

Sneer. Not easily.

Dan. But Puff is coming. Signor and little Signoros-obligatissimo!-Sposa Signora Danglena-Mrs. Dangle, shall I beg you to offer in the next room. them some refreshments, and take their address

[Exit MRS. DANGLE with the Italians and Interpreter ceremoniously.

Enter Servant.

Serv. Mr. Puff, sir.
Dan. My dear Puff.

Enter PUFF.

Puff. My dear Dangle, how is it with you? Dan. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff to you.

Puff. Mr. Sneer is this? sir, he is a gentleman whom I have long panted for the honour of knowing; a gentleman whose critical talents and transcendant judgment

Sneer. Dear sir

Dan. Nay, don't be modest, Sneer, my friend Puff only talks to you in the stile of his profes

sion.

Sneer. His profession!

Puff. Yes, sir; I make no secret of the trade I follow; among friends and brother authors; Dangle knows I love to be frank on the subject, and to advertise myself viva voce. I am sir, a practitioner in panegyric, or, to speak more plainly, a professor of the art of puffing, at your service, or any body else's.

Sneer. Sir, you are very obliging. I believe, Mr. Puff, I have often admired your talents in the daily prints.

Puff. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much business in that way as any six of the fraternity in town; devilish hard work all the summer; friend Dangle, never work'd harder: but, harkye, the winter managers were a little sore I beieve.

Dan. No; I believe they took it all in good part.

Puff. Aye; then that must have been affectation in them; for egad, there were some of the attacks which there was no laughing at!

Sneer. Ay, the humorous one; but I should think, Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this sort of work for themselves.

Puff. Why yes; but in a clumsy way. Besides, we look on that as an encroachment, and so take the opposite side. I dare say now you conceive half the very civil paragraphs and advertisements you see, to be written by the parties concerned, or their friends? no such thing-nine out of ten manufactured by me in the way of business.

Sneer. Indeed!

Puff. Egad, sir, sheer necessity, the proper parent of an art so nearly allied to invention: you must know, Mr. Sneer, that from the first time I tried my hand at an advertisement, my success was such, that, for some time after, I led a most extraordinary life indeed! Sneer. How, pray?

Puff. Even the auctioneers now-the auctioneers I say, though the rogues have lately got some credit for their language—not an article of the merit their's! take them out of their pulpits, and they are as dull as catalogues!-no, sir; 'twas I first enrich'd their style; 'twas I first taught them to crowd their advertisements with panegyrical superlatives, each epithet rising above the other, like the bidders in their own auction-rooms! from ME they learn'd to enlay their phraseology with variegated chips of exotic metaphor: by ME, too, their inventive faculties were called forth.-Yes, sir, by ME they were instructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruits; to insinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves; to teach courteous shrubs to nod their approbation of the grateful soil; or on emergencies, to raise upstart oaks, where there never had been an acorn; to create a delightful vicinage without the assistance of a neighbour; or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire.

Dan I am sure you have done them infinite service; for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with his house with some credit.

Puff. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely by my misfortunes.

Sneer. Service! if they had any gratitude, they would erect a statue to him; they would figure him as a presiding Mercury, the god of traffic and fiction, with a hammer in his hand instead of a caduceus. But pray, Mr. Puff, what first put you on exercising your talents in this way?

Sneer. By your misfortunes!

Puff. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and other occasional disorders; and a very comfortable living I had of it.

Sneer. From sickness and misfortunes!—you practised as a doctor and an attorney at once? Puff. No, egad; both maladies and miseries were my own.

Sneer. Hey! what the plague!

Dan. 'Tis true, ifaith.

Puff. Harkye! by advertisements—" To the charitable and humane!' and To those whom Providence hath blessed with affluence!

Sneer. Oh, I understand you.

Puff. And in truth I deserved what I got; for I suppose never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time!—Sir, ! was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence by a train of unavoida ble inisfortunes! then, sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice burnt out, and lost my little all both times:-I lived upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs-that told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to col lect the subscriptions myself.

Dan. Egad, I believe that was when you first called on me

Puff. In November last?-O no! I was at that time a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable consump tion. I was then reduced to-O no; then I be came a widow with six helpless children; after having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left every time eight months gone with child, and without money to get me into a hospital.

Sneer. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt?

Puff. Why, yes; though I made some occa sional attempts at felo de se; but as I did net find those rash actions answer, I left off killing myself very soon. Well, sir, at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprison ments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my conscience, and in a more liberal way still to indulge my talents for fiction and embellishment, through my favourite channels of diurnal communication; and so, sir, you have my history.

Sneer. Most obligingly communicative indeed; and your confession, if published, might certainly

serve the cause of true charity, by rescuing the most useful channels of appeal to benevolence from the cant of imposition. But surely, Mr. Puff, there is no great mystery in your present profession?

Puff. Mystery! sir, I will take upon me to say, the matter was never scientifically treated, nor reduced to rule before.

Sneer. Reduced to rule!

Puff. O lud, sir, you are very ignorant, I am afraid!-Yes, sir, puffing is of various sorts; the principal are, the puff direct, the puff preliminary, the puff collateral, the puff collusive, and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. These all assume, as circumstances require, the various forms of " letter to the editor"-" occasional anecdote-" impartial critique"-" observation from correspondent❞—or "advertisement from the party."

F dash G; who, however pleasing and insinuating his manners may be, is certainly not remarkable for the constancy of his attachments! -in italics. Here, you see, Sir Flimsey Gossimer is introduced to the particular notice of Lady Fanny, who, perhaps, never thought of him before; she finds herself publicly cautioned to avoid him, which naturally makes her desirous of seeing him; the observation of their acquaintance causes a pretty kind of mutual embarrassment; this produces a sort of sympathy of interest; which, if Sir Flimsey is unable to improve effectually, he at least gains the credit of having their names mentioned together, by a particular set, and in a particular way, which, nine times out of ten, is the full accomplishment of modern gallantry.

Dan. Egad, Sneer, you will be quite an adept in the business.

Puff. Now, sir, the Puff collateral is much used as an apendage to advertisements and may take the form of anecdote. Yesterday as the celebrated George Bon-Mot was sauntering down St. James's Street, he met the lively Lady Mary Myrtle, coming out of the park; "Good God, Lady Mary, I am surprised to meet you in a white jacket; for I expected never to have seen you but in a full trimmed uniform, and a light-horseman's cap ?"-"Heaven's! George, where could you have learned that?"-" Why," replied the wit, "I just saw a print of you, in a new publication, called the Camp Magazine; which, by the bye, is a devilish clever thing, and is sold at No. 3, on the right hand of the way, two doors from the printing office, the corner of Ivy Lane, Paternoster Row, price only one shilling."

Sneer. The puff direct, I can conceivePuff. O yes, that's simple enough; for instance, a new comedy or farce is to be produced at one of the theatres (though by the bye they don't bring out half what they ought to do.) The author, suppose Mr. Smatter, or Mr. Dapper, or any particular friend of mine, very well; the day before it is to be performed, I write an account of the manner in which it was received. I have the plot from the author, and only add characters strongly drawn, highly coloured-hand of a master, fund of genuine humour, mine of invention, neat dialogue, attic salt!-Then for the performance :-Mr. Dodd was astonishingly great in the character of Sir Harry; that universal and judicious actor, Mr. Palmer, perhaps never appeared to more advantage than in the Colonel; but it is not in the power of language to do justice to Mr. King: indeed he more than merited those repeated bursts of applause which he drew from Puff. But the puff collusive is the newest of a most brilliant and judicious audience. As to any; for it acts in the disguise of determined the scenery-the miraculous power of Mr. De hostility. It is much used by bold booksellers Loutherbourg's pencil are universally acknow- and enterprising poets. An indignant corresponledged. In short, we are at a loss which to ad-dent observes, that the new poem, called Beelmire most-the unrivalled genius of the author, the great attention and liberality of the managers, the wonderful abilities of the painter, or the incredible exertions of all the performers

Sneer. That's pretty well, indeed, sir. Puff. Oh, cool, quite cool, to what I sometimes do.

Sneer. And do you think there are any who are influenced by this?

Puff. O lud! yes, sir; the number of those who undergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed!

Sneer. Very ingenious, indeed.

zebub's Cotillion, or Proserpine's Fete Champetre, is one of the most unjustifiable performances he ever read: the severity with which certain characters are handled is quite shocking; and as there are many descriptions in it too warmly coloured for female delicacy, the shameful avidity with which this piece is bought by all people of fashion, is a reproach on the taste of the times, and a disgrace to the delicacy of the age. Here you see the two strongest inducements are held forth: first, that nobody ought to read it; and, secondly, that every body buys Sncer. Well, sir, the puff preliminary? it; on the strength of which the publisher boldly Puff. Oh, that, sir, does well in the form of a prints the tenth edition, before he had sold ten caution. In a matter of gallantry now, Sir of the first; and then establishes it by threatFlimsey Gossimer wishes to be well with Ladyening himself with the pillory, or absolutely inFanny Fete; he applies to me; I open trenches dicting himself for scan. mag.! for him with a paragraph in the Morning Post. -It is recommended to the beautiful and accomplished Lady F four stars F dash E to be on her guard against that dangerous character Sir

Dan. Ha, ha, ha! 'gad I know it is so. Puff. As to the puff oblique, or puff by impli cation, it is too various and extensive to be illustrated by an instance; it attracts in titles, and

presumes in patents; it lurks in the limitation of a subscription, and invites the assurance of crowd and incommodation at public places; it delights to draw forth concealed merit, with a most disinterested assiduity; and sometimes wears a countenance of smiling censure and tender reproach. It has a wonderful memory for parliamentary debates, and will often give the whole speech of a favoured member with the most flattering accuracy. But, above all, it is a great dealer in reports and suppositions. It has the earliest intelligence of intended preferments that will reflect honour on the patrons; and embryo promotions of modest gentlemen, who know nothing of the matter themselves. It can hint a ribband for implied services, in the air of a common report; and with the carelessness of a casual paragraph, suggest officers into commands, to which they have no pretension but their wishes. This, sir, is the last principal class of the art of puffing; an art which I hope you will now agree with me is of the highest dignity, yielding a tablature of benevolence and public spirit; befriending equally trade, gallantry, criticism, and politics; the applause of genius, the register of charity, the triumph of heroism, the self-defence of contractors, the fame of orators, and the gazette of ministers.

Sneer. Sir, I am completely a convert both to the importance, and ingenuity of your profession; and now, sir, there is but one thing which can possibly increase my respect for you, and that is, your permitting me to be present this morning at the rehearsal of your new trage

Puff. Hush, for heaven's sake.-My tragedy!

—egad, Dangle, I take this very ill; you know how apprehensive I am of being known to be the author.

Dan. Ifaith I would not have told; but it's in the papers, and your name at length, in the Morning Chronicle.

Puff. Ah! those damned editors never can keep a secret! Well, Mr. Sneer, no doubt you will do me great honour; I shall be infinitely happy, highly flattered

Dan. I believe it must be near the time; shall we go together?

Puff. No; it will not be yet this hour, for they are always late at that theatre: besides, I must meet you there, for I have some little matters here to send to the papers, and a few paragraphs to scribble before I go. [Looking at memorandums.] Here is a conscientiousba ker, on the subject of the army bread;" and "a detester of visible brick-work, in favour of the new invented stucco;" both in the style of Junius, and promised for to-morrow.-The Thames Navigation too is at a stand.—Misomud, or Anti-shoal, must go to work again directly. Here, too, are some political memorandums I see; ay, to take Paul Jones, and get the Indiamen out of the Shannon; reinforce Byron; compel the Dutch to-so! I must do that in the evening papers, or reserve it for the Morning Herald; for I know that I have undertaken to morrow, besides, to establish the unanimity of the fleet in the Pulic Advertiser, and to shoot Charles Fox in the Morning Post. So egad, I ha'n't a moment to lose!

Dan. Well! we'll meet in the Green Room. [Exeunt severally.

ACT II.

SCENE I.-The Theatre.

received point among poets, that where history gives you a good heroic outline for a play, you

Enter DANGLE, PUFF, and SNEER, as before the may fill up with a little love at your own discre

Curtain.

Puff. No, no, sir; what Shakespeare says of actors may be better applied to the purpose of plays; they ought to be the abstract and brief chronicles of the times.' Therefore, when history, and particularly the history of our own country, furnishes any thing like a case in point, to the time in which an author writes, if he knows his own interest, he will take advantage of it; so, sir, I call my tragedy The Spanish Armada;' and have laid the scene before Tilbury Fort.

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Sneer. A most happy thought, certainly! Dan. Egad it was-I told you so. But, pray now, I don't understand how you have contrived to introduce any love into it.

Puff. Love!-oh, nothing so easy; for it is a

tion in doing which, nine times out of ten, you only make up a deficiency in the private lis tory of the times. Now, I rather think I have done this with some success.

Sneer. No scandal about Queen Elizabeth, I hope?

Puff. O lud! no, no,-I only suppose the governor of Tilbury Fort's daughter to be in love with the son of the Spanish admiral.

Sneer. Oh, is that all!

Dan. Excellent, ifaith! I see it at once.But won't this appear rather improbable?

Puff. To be sure it will-but what the plague, a play is not to shew occurrences that happen every day, but things just so strange, that though they never did, they might happen.

Sneer. Certainly nothing is unnatural, that is not physically impossible.

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