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my ear that you have not told me all. This Pol. What, papa ?
tle fingerAil. Have you nothing to tell me?
Pol. O, that little finger's a story-teller. Pol. What should I tell you ?
Ail. Have a care! Ail. You know well enongb, bussey.
Pol. Don't believe it, papa; it fits, indeed Pol. Not I, indeed, and upon my word. All. Well, get you gone; then, and remesi Ail. Is this the way you do what you're bid? what I have said to you. Pol. What?
Pol. Yes, papa, yes; I'll remember. In Ail. Did not I order you to come and tell me glad he did not whip me; I was afraid be free immediately whatever you saw ?
have whipped me. Pol. Yes, papa. Ail. And have
Enter FRIENDLY. done so ?
you Pol. Yes ; I'm come to tell you every thing
Friend. Cume now, brother, I must ist I've seen.
upon it, that you will not put yourself in a pa Ail. Very well.—What have you seen to? sion; but sit down here, and let me resume te Pol. I saw my lord mayor go by in his coach. conversation which we just now broke of. Ail. And nothing else?
Ail. Well, come let it be so. Pol. No, indeed, indeed !
Friend. You are to be cool now, remenke. Ail. I shall make you alter your tone a little, Ail. Ay, ay, I'll be cool. I fancy, if I fetch a rod.
Friend. And to answer me without prese Pol. Oh, dear papa!
cation. Ail. You baggage, you, why don't tell me Ail Good lord, yes ! here's a terrible prez you saw a man in
your sister's chamber? ble, sure! Pol. Why, my sister bid me not, papa; but Friend. How comes it, then brother give us I'll tell you every thing.
leave to ask you once more, tbat, being a Ail. Take care, then, for I have a way of circumstances you are, and having no other ca. knowing all ; aad if you tell me a lie
dren but two daughters, you can entertails Pul. But pray, papa, don't you go and tell my strange design of marrying your eldest na sister that I told you !
manner you are going to dispose of her? Ail. Never fear.
Ail. Pray, brother, how comes it, that I a Pol. Well, then, papa, there came a man into master of my own family, and dispose of st my sister's chamber as I was there; I asked him children as I like? what lie wanted, and he told me he was her Ita- Friend. Your wife no doubt, is glad to get pa lian master.
of her at any rate. Ail. Oh, the matter's out, then !
Ail. Oh! ay, now it comes
-and the post Pol. My sister came in atterwards.
wife is to be dragged in ! 'tis she does al tie Ail. Well, and what did your sister say? mischief, to be sure, and all the world will 12:? Pol. Why, first the man kissed her. Ail. Did he so?
Friend. No, no, brother; we'll leave her Pol. Yes, two or three times, but she was not of the question ; she's a good woman, that tas willing; and then she said to him, go away, go the best intentions in the world for your fans away-and she said, she was frightened out of is free from all manner of self-interest
, hasa her wits--and she said, she was afraid you marvellous tenderness for you, and shows 21 would come and catch her.
conceivable affection to your children, that's ces Ail. Well, and what then?
tain. We'll say no more, therefore, of her, bet Pol. Why, he would not go away.
return to your daughter; but, pray, let me sake Ail. And-What did he say to her? you with what view would you marry her to tas
Pol. Say! He said I don't know how many Dr. Last? things to her.
Ail. With a view of haring so skillfull a pływa Ail. Ay, but what?
cian as Dr. Last related to me. Pol. Why, he said this and that, and t’other; Friend. Heavens, brother ! how can you tak he said he loved her mightily; and that she was so? Skillfull! I never saw the man ; but I am the prettiest creature in the world.
told, that of all the quacks in town, aumefots ar Ail. Well-and after that?
they are, he is the most ignorant as well as the Pol. Why, after that, he took her by the most impudent: but it is really shocking to be hand.
manity to consider to what a head these danse Ail. And after that?
rous cheats are arrived in this great city: ad Pol. After that, he kissed her again. it is not less amazing, that people should confide Ail, And after that?
their health, their most valuable possession, tə Pol. After that-Stay; 0, after that, my wretches they would not trust with any tbt mamma came, and he ran away.
else. In short, I know no way of potting a no Ail. And you saw no more?
to their progress, but by an unlimited act again Pol. No; indeed, and indeed, papa. the vending of poisons, which, I think, soul Ail. There's something, however, whispers in very fair comprehend them.
Ail. Ha ! You have made a very fine speech, I upon several gentlemen in your way, who, from now. Do you think, if the cures they perform being sheep, as it were, have become as bold as were not wonderful, people would take their lions. medicines so kindly? What has essence of wa- Ail. Attend to this, brother, for it is worth ter-dock done for the scurvy? What balsam of listening to. honey, in colds and consumptions ? The stomach Dr. Last. Then it is one of the beautifullest pills for colicky complaints? Then, you senseless things upon yearth for the memory-There was idiot you, d'ye think his majesty would give his a little boy, seven years of age, did not know one royal letters patent for pills, essences, electu- of his letters—bis papa was angry, his mamma aries, cordials, tinctures, quintessences, to poison was uneasy; --They bought him the pretty bis subjects ? But to strike you dumb at once, is books for children, letters in sweetineats, gingernot that blessed medicine, baume de vie, in bread, ivory, all manner of play-things to make itself, a remedy for all disorders under Ilea- him take his larning, but it would not do: hearven?
ing of my secret they applied to me, I gave the Friend. All!
child a dose, and, will you believe it, upon the Ail. Look at the list of cures—then the rea- word of an honest man-he could say his crisssoning's good--All disorders spring from the sto- cross-row in a fortnight. mach beaune de vie is a sovereign remedy Ail. Now, that's very amazing! I'll make use for the stomach-and, therefore, cures all dis- of it myself, and begin to read immediately; for orders.
I never remember a word after the book is shut; Friend. If so, why don't you take it, and get and that's vexatious you know. rid of yours?
Dr. Last. And 'would you believe, that Ail.' Why! why! there's no general rule with this fine remedy was invented by my old moout an exception.
ther? Friend. Come, come, brother, the truth of it Ail. Your mother! is, there's nothing the matter with you at all- Dr. Last. Why, she knows as much of physic and I desire no better proof of the excellency of as I do; it is a gitt in our family: and she has your constitution, than that all the slops you invented things to take spots out of cloaths, and have been taking these ten years have not burst, iron moulds out of linen. or otherwise destroyed you.
Ail. I long to be acquainted with her. Ail. Here's Dr. Last! he is so good as to come Dr. Lust. Well, will you swallow this now? on purpose to administer his inedicine to me Ail. Ay, come give it to ine. bimself. Pray now, brother, behave yourself Friend. You jest sure-Can't you be a moment properly.
without some nasty slop or another? put it off
to a more convenient time, and give nature a litEnter Dr. Last, with a vial in one hand, and a
tle respite. glass of water in the other.
Ail. Well, then, this evening, Dr. Last, or to
morrow morning. Dr. Last. Come, Mr. Ailwould
Dr. Lust. Pray, sir, may I be so bold as to Ail. Brother, with your leave.
your name aint Groggins ? Friend. What are you going to do now? Friend. No, sir! my name's Friendly.
Ail. To take some of Dr. Last's cordial; and Dr. Lust. Then, sir, I desire to know, sir, let me prevail upon you to take a glass, too, what business you have to binder me in my oc
Dr. Last. Do, sir, one dose; its as natural to cupation? I say, the gentleman shall lake it now, a man's constitution as breast-milk: and, if you and I warrant it will do him good. will take it for a continency, once you are a lit- Friend. Prythee, man, what d'ye mean? tle manured to it, it will work the most supris- Dr. Last. I means what I savs. Mr. Ail. ingest difference
would, will take it? If you don t take it, I'll go Friend. Pray, sir, what is it?
away directly. Dr. Last, Sir, I would not tell you,
Friend. Well, do go away, sir; we desire it. were my father; no, nor King George--but I'll Dr. Last, 0, with all my heart! show you-You see this glass of New River wa
(Erit Dr. Last. ter-its as transparent as rock crystal-Now, I Ail. Brother, you'll be the cause of some misputs twelve drops of my cordial into it and chiet bere. ibere-it's as fine asses milk as ever was tasted Friend. What mischief? No, no, brother, I I vow to the lord, there's worse sold for a shil- shall be the cause of no mischief, but a great ling a pint, that comes from the beastis them- deal of good; and I wish I could drive away all selves !
the physic-mongers that come after you, with Ail. Well, I believe that's very true. their cursed drugs, in the same manner; you'd
Dr. Last. I presume, by your wig, sir, that live the longer for it. you belong to the law; and if you'll put yourself Ail. Some, dreadful mischief will come of it, under my care, I'll give you something, for which indeedI must call him back-Dr. Lassa you will be obliged to me; and yet its nothing Dr. Last! but the juice of a simple yerb: but I've tried it Friend. Brother, for shame!
Ail. Don't talk to me; you want to send me I have discovered secret interviews in my to my graveDr. Last, pray come back! house, which some people don't think I've disa
covered. Enter Dr. Last.
Friend. I dare swear, brother, my neice has
no attachment but to the gentleman I have menDr. Last, [Fiercely to Friendly.) Did you tioned to you: in which case, yon have nothing call me, sir?
to be angry with, all tending to the honourable Friend. No, doctor, but Mr. Ailwould did. purpose of marriage. Dr. Last. Mr. Ailwould, I am not used polite
Ail. I don't care for what you say : 111 send ly here at all.
her over to France; I am determined on it. Ail. Indeed, sir, it was not
Friend. There's somebody you want to please, Dr. Last. I have given that there thing to la- brotber, by that, I doubt. dies; nay, to children, that have been troubled Ail. I know your meaning. sir; you're always with the worms, who never made a wry face, harping upon the same strin. My wife is a but licked their lips after it as pleasantly as if it strange hobgoblin in your eyes, brother, had been so much treacle or sugar-candy. Friend. Yes, brother, since 'tis necessary to be Ail. It was not I
plain with you, 'tis your wife, that I mean; and Dr. Last. And when I took the trouble of I can no more bear your ridiculous fondness for coming myself
her, than that you have for physic; por endure Ail. 'Twas lie
to see you run hand over-head into all the shares Dr. Last. In my own chariot
she lays for you. Ail. He was the cause
Prú. 0, dear sir, don't speak so of my ladyDr. Last. Without demanding nothing extra- she's a wonan, that nobody can say any thing ordinary for my trouble—I have a good mind against ; a woman without the least grain of arnot to marry your daughter !
tifice or design, and loves my master !- there's Ail. I tell you it was all my brother; it was, no saying how much she loves bim. upon my word and credit-But give me the cor- Ail. Ay, only ask her how excessive fond she dial; and, to make you amends, I'll take double is of me. the quantity.
Pru. Most excessive! Friend. Are you mad?
Ail. How much concern my illness gives her. Dr. Lust. No, he's not-I insist upon his ta- Pru. Yes. king it for the honour of my medicine, And if Ail. And the care and pains she takes about you don't take a glass, too, you shall hear further me. from me.
Pru. Right.-Shall we convince you now, Nr. Friend. Very well, doctor; I fear your sword Friendly, and show you directly what a surprising less than your poison.
affection my lady has for my master!Perma Dr. Lust. O, ay, poison, poison, we shall see me, sir, to undeceive him, and let him see bis whether it's poison.
[Aside. Ail. Give it to me, doctor.
Ail. As bow, Prudence? Dr. Last. Here, Mr. Ailwou'd.
Pru. Hark! my lady is just returned. Do Ail. Pray, now, brother, let me prevail upon you step into the next room there-stretch your you, io compliment to the doctor
self out, and feign yourself dead : be may slip Friend. Nay, good brother, don't be absurd. into the closet; I'll set the doors open, and
Dr. Last. Now I'm satisfied; and I'll call you'll see what violent grief she'll be in, when I upon you again in an hour. (Exit Dr. Last. tell her the news.
Ail. Hey-hum!-I profess I have a mind to Enter PRUDENCE.
take ber advice—but, no ; I can never bear te
hear the shrieks and lamentations she'll make Ail. Prudence !
over me; and yet, 'twill be a comfort to me Pru. Sir!
bear them too, to feel her virtuous tears bedes Ail. Get me my armed chair here-Its incon- my face, and her sweet lips kissing my cheeks a ceivable what a warmth this medicine diffuses all thousand times, to bring me back again to life : over my body.
and her—Ah, verily, I'll do it; verily, I'll do it; Friend. Well, but, brother, did not you hear and then, sir, what will become of your fine surDr. Last say just now, that he was in doubt whe- mises ?-But, Prudence, art thou not afraid, ther he would marry your daughter or not? and that her very thinking me dead will break ber after so slighting an expression, surely you will heart? not persist in your design! but let me talk to Pru. To be sure, sir, if you should keep ber you of this gentleman who wishes to have my in her fright too long. niece.
Ail. O, let me alone for that ; I'll make tbe Ail. No, brother, if Dr. Last won't have experiment this very minute; this very minute. her, I'll send ber to France, and put her into But is there no danger in feigning one's self a convent; I am sure she has an amorous in- dead! clination for somebody : and to let you know, Pru. No, no; what danger should there be!
'Tis only shutting your eyes, and stretching your- Friend. Your servant, madam.
Mrs. Ail. Nay, but,
my dear, this is the most (Exeunt Allwou LD und Friendly. unreasonable thingTurning to Friendly)
some slight conversation, that I have had with Enter MRS. AILWOULD.
my maid here, which Mr. Ailweuld takes in a
wrong sense: but, I dare swear, when he has Oh! Heavens! Oh! fatal misfortune! what a considered the matter a little, he will think difstrange accident is this!
ferently. Mrs. Ail. What's the matter, Prudence? Ail. Get out of my sight, get out of my Pru. (Crying.] Ah! madam!
sight! Mrs. Ail. What is it? what do you mean by
Mrs. Ail. Well, but, lovely, let me explain the blubbering, pr’ythee?
matter to you. Pru. My master's dead, madam.
Ail. I'll never hear a word from you again as Mrs. Ail. Dead!
long as I live. Pru. Sobbing.] Ye-ye-yes.
Mrs. Ail. Nay, sir, if you bear yourself so Mrs. Ail. Are you sure of it?
haughtily, you'll find me a match for you. It is Pru. Too sure, alas! No body yet knows any not to-day, my dear, I am to learn, that your thing of this accident: There was not a soul but brain is full of maggots; however, you shall call myself to help him; he sunk down in my arms, me more than once before I come back to you, and went off like a child_See there, madam, I assure you.
Erit. he lies stretched out in the next room.
Ail. Did you ever hear such an impudent Mrs. Ail. Now, Heaven be praised !-What creature? Od's my life, with what an air she care a simpleton art thou to cry?
ried it !—But do'st think she was in earnest, PruPru. Cry, ma'am! why, I thought we were to dence? cry?
Pru. Troth, do I, sir. Mrs. Ail. And for what, pray! I know of no Friend. Come, brother, to tell you the plain loss he is—Was he of any use upon earth? A truth, Prudence devised this method in order to man troublesome to all the world; odious in his open your eyes to your wife's perfidy-She has person; disgusting in his manners; never with long deceived you with a show of false tenout some filthy medicine in his mouth, or his sto- derness, but now you see her in her genuine comach; continually coughing, bawking, and spit- lours. ting; a tiresome, peevish, disagreeable mon- Ail. I profess my eyes were dazzled, and all ster!
my senses confused; I know not what I either Pru. An excellent funeral sermon, truly! bear or see: but, in the first place, I renounce
Aside.physicMrs. Ail. Prudence, you must assist me in the execution of my design; and you may depend
Enter Nancy and HARGRAVE. upon it, I will amply reward your services. Since, by.good fortune, no one is yet apprised of this Pru. Lord ! sir, here's Miss Nancy and Mr. accident, beside ourselves, let us keep his death Hargrave. a secret a few day, till I have been able to settle Nan. Dear papa, what's the matter? my affairs on a sure foundation: there are pa- Ail. The matter, child! I don't know, child. pers and money of which I would possess my- [Seeing HARGRAVE.) What brings you here, sir? self-Nor, indeed, is it just, that all I have suf- Friend. This, brother, is the young gentleman fered with bim living should not be rewarded by I propose as a match for your daughter; and, some advantage at his death.
after what I have said, and what has happened, Pru. To be sure, madam.
I hope you will no longer refuse to listen to his Mrs. Ail. In the mean time, I'll go and secure pretensions. his keys, for I know he has a considerable sum Ail. Why, really, sir, my chief objection to of money in his scrutoirc, which he received yes- you, is your total ignorance of the medicinal terday.
art; if you can think of any method to remove
that Mrs. Ailwould going to the Door, meets Har. I must own, sir, I'm afraid I'm rather FRIENDLY and AILWOULD.
too far advanced in life to make any progress in
so deep and abstracted a study. A[rs. Ail. Ah! ab! ah! [Screaming. Ail. Why, with regard to the more capital Ail. 0! devil of a help-mate ! have I found branches, I grant you; but in the subaltern of
fices, I'm of a contrary opinion : Suppose, now,
you were to bind yourself apprentice for a year Dr. Last. O, don't think to humbug me so! or two to some skilful apothecary? surely, in that time you might learn to decypher a pre
Enter Ailwould, behind. scription, and make up a medicine with a very Ail. What are they doing here? few blunders.
Nan. Dear sir, have patience-Stop where you Har. D'ye think so, sir?
are a little, and let them go on. Ail. You might, indeed, now and then, give a Friend. Within there; seize this fellow. dose of arsenic for salts; but that's an accident Dr. Last. Liberty- I'm a free-born Briton, in might happen to the oldest practioner. my native city-If any one lays a finger upor
Friend. Ah, brother, brother, what's this I me, I'll put him into the crown-office. hear! It was but this moment you were de- Friend. Ay, but we'll put you into Newgate termined to renounce physic, and here you are first-Carry him before a justice! I'll go and be talking as warmly and absurdly about it as a witness. ever !
Pru. Ay, and so will I. Ail . Eh! It's very true, indeed, brother.- Dr. Last. [In a great passion.] Well
, but However, let it suffice, I give the young man my stay: let me go a bit-What will you be a wit daughter without any conditions at all: And ness of? now I'll go and get effectually rid of that other Pru. That you poisoned my master. plague, my wife ; for I shall not be easy, while Dr. Last. It can't be. we are under the same roof.
[Erit. Friend. We'll prove it. Friend. If we can't cure him of his love for Dr. Last. It's a fictitious report; for, to let drugs, we have done nothing.
you see the difference now-what I gave him Nan. I doubt, sir, that will be impossible. was nothing in the world but a little chalk and
Friend. Hist, here comes Dr. Lasi—I'll take vinegar; and, if it could do him no good, it could the opportunity of your father's absence to have do him no harm. some sport with him; put on melancholy coun- Ail. And so, sirrah, this is the way you tenances, and take your cues from me. people in? Your famous cordial, then, is chalk
Pru. I know what you'd be at, sir, and I'll se and vinegar? cond you.
Dr. Last. What! Mr. Ailwould, aren't you
dead? Enter Dr. LAST.
Ail. No, sirrah? but no thanks to you for
that—so, get you out of my house, or I'll chalk Dr. Last. Mr. Ailwould, where are you? I and vinegar you with a vengeance, you pretendhave brought you some of my essence of cucum- ing, quacking, cheating
Dr. Last. Don't strike me! ber, by way of a taste. Friend. O, Dr. Last, you are come! your ser- don't get out of my house.
Ail. I'll break every bone in your skin, if yce vant, sir, I'm glad to see you. Dr. Last. Sir, I'm obliged to you—Where is
Friend, Nay, brotherMr. Ailwould ?
Dr. Last. My own chariot's below. Friend. Where is he, sir ?
Ail. A cart, a wheel-barrow for such scoon
drels ! Dr. Last. Aye; because I wants to speak
Dr. Last. Don't call me out of my name. to him. Friend. He's dead, sir.
Ail. I can't, sirrah! Pru. Bursting ridiculously into tears.] Ob!
Dr. Last. You did, you did, and I'll make you Oh! Oh! Dr. Last. What's the matter, Mrs. Prudence?
Ail. Get out of my house! I warrant your master is only in a sound; and me I call you every one to witness1'U SFER
Dr. Last. That's all I want-He has pushed I've a bottle of stuff in my pocket that will fetch him in a whiff.
to the assault. Friend. Hold, sir, no more of your stuff!
Friend. Take him away! Dr. Last. Well, then, let me go and feel his
Dr. Last. [As they are taking him away.) pulse.
swear to the assault--and if I don't get redemser
ficationFriend. Nor that neither ; you shan't go near him: but we insist upon your telling us what you
Enter POLLY. gave him out of your vial just now!
Dr. Last. How ! tell you my secret-A book- Pol. Papa ! papa! seller offered me a thousand pounds for it. Ail. What's the matter, my dear?
Har. A bookseller offered you a thousand Pol. My mamma's gone abroad, and sett pounds! That may be, sir, bút Mr. Ailwould she'll never come home no more; so she won't died a few minutes after you administered Ail. A good riddance ! a good riddance! it; we, therefore, take it for granted, that it Pol. La, papa! if that isn't the man i en has poisoned bim; and, unless you prove very just now kissing my sister ! clearly to the contrary, we shall consider you Pru. Ah! you little tell-tale! as his murderer, and treat you accordingly. Pol. Indeed, Prudence, but I am so tell-tale,
pay for it.