Charl. Ha, ha, ha! we are a strange mixture, dies of battles, and sieges, and skrimages-It indeed, nothing like so pure and noble, as you looks like gasconading and making the fanfaron. are in the North. Besides, madam, I give you my honour, there is no such thing in nature as making a true description of a battle. Char. How so, sir? Sir A. O naithing like it, madam, naithing like it-we are of anaither kadney. Now, madam, as yee yoursel are uai weel propagated, as yee hai the misfortune to be a cheeld o'commerce, yee should endeavour to mack yeer espousals intul yean of oor auncient noble fameelies of the North; for yee mun ken, madam, that sic an alliance wull purify yeer blood, and gi yee a ronk and consequence in the world, that aw yeer palf, were it as muckle as the bank of Edenburgh, could not purchase for you. Char. Very true, Sir Archy, very true; upon my word, your advice is friendly and impartial, and I will think of it. Sir C. Madam, I am your most devoted and mnost obedient humble servant, and am proud to have the honour of kissing your fair hand this morning. [Salutes her. Char. Sir Callaghan, your humble servantI am sorry to hear we are likely to lose you. I was in hopes the campaign had been quite over in Germany for this winter. Sir C. Yes, madam, it was quite over, but it begun again a true genius never loves to quit the field till he has left himself nothing to do; for then, you know, madam, he can keep it with more safety. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Sir A. Vary true, sir, vary true. But, Sir Callaghan, just as yee enter'd the apartment, the lady was urging she should like it mightily, guin yee wou'd favour her wi' a sleight narrative of the late transactions and battles in Germany. Char. If Sir Callaghan would be so obliging. Sir C. Why, madam, there is so much doing every where, there is no knowing what is done any where; for every man has his own part to look after, which is as much as he can do, with out minding what other people are about. Then, madam, there is such drumming and trumpeting, firing and smoking, fighting aud rattling every where-and such an uproar of courage and slaughter in every man's mind-and such a delightful confusion altogether, that you can no more give an account of it than you can of the stars in the sky. Sir d. As I shall answer it, I think it a very descriptive accoont that he gives of a battle. Char. Admirable! and very entertaining. Morde. O delightful! him. Sir A. Mordecai, ask him some questionsto him-to him, mun-hai a leetle fun wi' himsmoke him, smoke bim, rally him, mun, rally [Whispering Morde. I'll do it, I'll do it—yes, I will smoke the Captain. Well, and pray, Sir Callaghan, how many might you kill in a battle? Sir C. Sir! Morde. I say, sir, how many might you have kill'd in any one battle? Sir C. Kill. Um !-Why, I generally kill more in a battle than a coward would choose to look upon, or than an impartinent fellow would be able to eat.-Ha!-Are you answered, Mr. Mordecai? Morde. Yes, yes, sir, I am answer'd.—He is a devilish droll fellow-vastly queer. Sir A. Yes, he is vary queer.-But yee were very sharp upon him-Ödswuns, at him again, at him again-have another cut at him. Morde Yes, I will have another cut at him. Sir A. Do, do.-He wull bring himself int a damn'd scrape presently. [Aside Morde. [Going to SIR CALLAGHAN and sneer ing at him.] He, he, he!--but heark'e, Sir Callaghan-he, be, he!-give me leave to tell you now, if I was a general Sir C. You a general! faith then, you would make a very pretty general! [Turns MORDECAI about.] Pray, madam, look at the general-ha, ha, ha? Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Sir C. O my dear Mr. Mordecai, be advised, and dont't prate about generals; it is a very hard trade to learn, and requires being in the field late and early-a great many frosty nights and scorching days-to be able to eat and drink, and laugh and rejoice, with danger on one side of you, and death on the other-and a hundred things beside, that you know no more of than I do of being a high priest of a synagogue; hold your tongue about generals, Mr. Mordecai, Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! he hath tickled up the Israelite-he hai gin it the Moabite on baith sides of his lugs. Char. But, Sir Callaghan, sure you must have been in imminent danger in the variety of actions you have gone through. Sir C. Ho! to be sure, madam, who would be a soldier without danger? Danger, madam, is a soldier's greatest glory, and death his best reward. Morde. Ha, ha, ha! that is an excellent bull! death a reward! Pray, Sir Callaghan, no offence I hope, how do you make death being a reward? Sir C. How! Why don't you know that? Sir C. Why, a soldier's death in the field of battle, is a monument of fame, that makes him as much alive, as Cæsar, or Alexander, or any deal hero of them all. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Char. Very well explained, Sir Callaghan. Sir A. Axcellenty weel; very logically, and like a true hero. Sir C. Why, madam, when the history of the English campaigns in America comes to be written, there is your own brave young general that died the other day in the field of battle before Quebec, will be alive to the end of the world. Char. You are right, Sir Callaghan, his virtues, and of those of his fellow soldiers in that action-aye, and of those that plann'd it too, will be remember'd by their country, while Britain or British gratitude has a being. Sir A. Oh! the Highlanders did guid service in that action-they cut them, and slash'd them, and whapt them aboot, and play'd the vary deevil wi' 'em, sir. There is nai sic thing as standing a Highlander's Andrew Ferara: they wull slanghie off a fellow's head at one dash, slap; it was they that did the business at Quebec. Sir C. I dare say they were not idle, for they are tight fellows. Give me your hand, Sir Archy; I assure you your countrymen are good soldiers -aye, and so are ours too. Char. Well, Sir Callaghan, I assure you, I am charmed with your heroism, and greatly obliged to you for your account. Come, Mr. Mordecai, we will go down to Sir Theodore, for I think I heard his coach stop. Morde. Madam, I attend you with pleasure; will you honour me with the tip of your ladyship's wedding finger? Sir Callaghan, your servant; yours, yours, look here, here. [Exit leading CHARLOTTE. Sir C. I find he is a very impertinent coxcomb, this same Beau Mordecai. Sir A. Yes, sir, he is a damned impudent rascal. Sir C. I assure you, I had a great mind to be upon the quivive with him, for his jokes and his mockeries, but that the lady was by. Sir A. Yes, he is a cursed impudent fellowbecause he is suffered to speak tull a man of fashion, at Bath and Tunbridge, and other public places, the rascal always obtrudes himself upon you. But, Sir Callaghan, hai yee wreeten the letter to the lady? Sir C. I have not. Sir A. Hoo happened that, mon? Sir C. Why, upon reflecting, I found it would not be consisting with the decorums of a man of honour to write to a lady in the way of matrimonial advances, before I had first made my affections known to her guardian, who is, you know, my uncle; so I have indited the letter to him, instead of the lady, which is the same thing you know. Sir A. Ha, ha! exactly, exactly, for so yee do but wreete aboot it, yee ken, it maiters not to whom. Sir C. Ay, that is what I thought myself; so here it is. [Takes out a letter, reads.] To Sir Theodore Goodchild' Sir A. Ay, let's have it—I warrant 'tis a boney epistle. [SIR CALLAGHAN Reads.] Therefore I thought proper, before I proceeded any further, (for I have done nothing as yet) to break my mind to you, before I engage the affections of the young Lady.] You see, Sir Archy, I intend to carry the place like a soldier, A la Militaire, as we say abroad, for I make my approaches regularly to the breastwork, before I attempt the covered way. Sir A. Axcellent! that's axcellent. [Reads. For as you are a gentlemen, and one that knows my family, by my fader's side, which you are shensible is as ould as any in the three kingdoms and oulder too-So I thought it would be foolish to stand shilli shalli any longer, but come to the point at once.' You see, Sir Archy, I give him a rub; but by way of a hint about my family, because why, do you sea, Sir Theodore is my uncle, only by my moder's side, which is a little upstart family, little of that fun, come your ways to the right spot my dear. that came in vid one Strongbow but t'other day -lord, not above six or seven hundred years ago; whereas my family, by my fader's side, Sir A. No equeevocation, sir, donna yee think are all true old Milesians, and related to the yee ha' gotten Beau Mordecai to cope with. DeO'Flahertys, and O'Shocknesses, and the Macfend yeersel, for by the sacred honour of Saint Laughlins, the O'Donnaghans, O'Callaghans, Andrew, yee shall be responsible for macking us O'Geogaghans, and all the tick blood of the illegeetemate, sir, illegeetemate. nation-and I myself, you know, am an O'Brallaghan, which is the ouldest of them all. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! ay, ay! I believe you are of an auncient family, Sir Callaghan, but you are oot in one point. Sir C. What is that, Sir Archy? Sir A. Where yee said yee werc as auncient as any family i'the three kingdoms. Sir C. Faith, den, I said nothing but truth. Sir A. Hut, hut, hut away, mon, hut awaw, ye mo no say that; what the de'el, consider our famcelies i'th North; why yee of Ireland, sir, are but a colony frai us, an oot cast! a mere oot cast, and as such yce remain tull this hoor. Sir C. I beg your pardon, Sir Archy, that is the Scotch account, which, you know, never speaks truth, because it is always partial;but the Irish history, which must be the best, because it was written by an Irish poet of my own family, one Shemus Thurlough Shannaghan O'Brallaghan, and he says, in his chapter of genealogy, that the Scots are all Irishmen's bastards. Sir A. Hoo, sir! baistards! do yee make us illegeetemate, illegeetemate, sir? Sir C. Faith I do-for the youngest branch of our family, one Mac Fergus O'Brallaghan, was the very man that went from Carrickfergus, and peopled all Scotland with his own hands; so that, my dear Sir Archy, you must be bastards of course you know. Sir C. Then, by the sacred crook of Saint Patrick, you are a very foolish man to quarrel about such a trifle. But since you have a mind for a tilt, have at you, my dear, for the honour of the sod. Oho! my jewel! never fear us, you are as welcome as the flowers in Mav. Enter CHARLOTTE. [They fight. Char. O bless me, gentlemen! What are you doing? What is all this about? Sir C. Madam, it is about Sir Archy's great grandmother. Char. His great granmother! Sir C. Yes, madam, he is angry that I said my ancestor, Fergus O'Brallaghan, was a gallant of theirs. Char. Grandmother! pray, Sir Archy, what is the meaning of all this? Sir A. Madam, be has cast an affront upon a whole nation. Sir C. I am sure if I did, it was more than I intended; I only argued out of the history of Ireland, to prove the antiquity of the O'BralJaghans. Sir A. Weel, sir, since yee say yee did na intend the affront, I am satisfied. [Puts up his sword. Sir C. Not I, upon my honour;-there are two things I am always atraid of; the one is of being affronted myself, and the other of affront Sir A. Vary weel, sir, vary weel. Sir A. Hark'e, Sir Callaghan, though yeering any man. ignorance and vanety would make conquerors and ravishers of yeer auncestors, and harlots and Sabines of our maithers-yat, yee shall prove, sir, that their issue are all the cheeldren of honour. Sir C. Hark'e, ha k'e, Sir Archy, what is that yee mentioned about ignorance and vanity? Sir A. Sir, I denoonce yee both ignorant and vain, and make yeer most of it. Sir C. Faith, sir, I can make nothing of it; for they are words I don't understand, because they are what no gentleman is used to: and therefore, you must unsay them. Sir A. Hoo, sir! eat my words? a North Briton eat his words? Sir C. Indeed you must, and this instant eat them. pon. Char. That is a prudent and a very generous maxim, Sir Callaghan. Sir Archy, pray let me beg that this business may end here: I desire you will embrace, and be the friends you were before this mistake happened. Sir A. Madam, yeer commands are absolute. Sir C. Madam, with all my heart and soul. I Sir C. Oh! the curse of Cromwell upon your proud Scotch stomach. Char. Well, gentlemen, I am glad to see you are come to a right understanding I hope ts all over. Sir A. Yee shall first eat a piece of this wea[Draws. Sir C. Poo, poo, Sir Archy, put up, put up- Sir A. I am satisfied, madam; there is an this is no proper place for such work; consider, end on't. But now, Sir Callaghan, let me tell drawing a sword is a very serious piece of busi-yee ass a friend, yee should never enter intul ness, and ought always to be done in private a dispute aboot leeterature, history, or the we may be prevented here; but if you are for a anteequity of fameelies, for yee ha' gotten sic a wecked, aukard, cursed jargon upon your tongue, that yee are never inteelegeble in yeer language. Sir C. Ha, ha, ha! I beg your pardon, Sir Archy, it is you that have got such a cursed twist of a fat Scotch brogue about the middle of your own tongue, that you can't understand good English when I spake it to you. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! weel, that is droll enough, upon honour-yee are as guid ass a farce or a comedy; but yee are oot again, Sir Callaghan, it is yee that hai the brogue, and not me; for aw the world kens I speak the Sooth Country so weel, that wherever I gang, I am awways taken for an Englishman: but we wool make judgment by the lady, which of us twa has the brogue. Sir C. O, with all my heart. Fray, madam, have I the brogue? Char. Ha, ha, ha! not in the least, Sir Callaghan, not in the least. Sir C. I am sure I could never perceive it. Char. Pray, Sir Archy, drop this contention, or we may chance to have another quarrel-you both speak most elegant English; neither of you have the brogue; neither. Ha, ha, ha! Enter a Servant.. Serv. The ladies are come, madam, and Sir Theodore desires to speak with you. Char. I will wait on him [Exit SERVANT.] Gentlemen, your servant-you will come to us? [Exit. Sir A. Instantly, madam. Weel, Sir Callaghan, donna let us drop the deseegn of the letter notwithstanding what has happened. Sir C. Are we friends, Sir Archy? Sir A. Pooh! upon honour am I; it was aw a mistake, Sir C. Then give me your hand; I assure you, Sir Archy, I always love a man when I quarrel with him, after I am friends. Enter a Servant. Serv. Dinner is served, gentlemen. Sir A. Come along then, Sir Callaghan-I will bring yee and the lady together after deener, and then we shall see hoo yee will make yeer advances in love. Sir C. O never fear me, Sir Archy-I will not stay to make a regular seige of it, but will take her at once with a coup de main, or die upon the spot; for as the old song says, Sir Archy[Sings to an Irish tune. You never did hear of an Irishman's fear, The foe and the fair we always take care der. ACT II. SCENE I-A Room in SIR THEODORE GOODCHILD's House. Enter SIR ARCHY and CHARLOTTE. Sir A. Adswuns, madam, step intul us for a moment, yee wul crack yoursel wi' laughter; we hai gotten anaither feul come to divert us unexpectedly, which I think is the highest finished feul the age has produced. without surprising the world with some new stroke. Enter MORDECAI. Morde. O madam! ha, ha, ha! I am expiring-such a scene betwixt your two lovers, Squire Groom, and Sir Callaghan :-They have challenged each other. Char. O heavens, I hope not. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! that's guid, that's guid! I thought it would come to action; ha, ha, ha! that's clever-now we shall hai one of them Char. Whom do you mean, Sir Archy? Sir A. Squire Groom, madam; but such a figure, the finest yee ever beheld: his lectle half beuts, black cap, jockey dress, and aw his pon-penk'd; ha, ha, ha! tificabilus, just as he rid the match yesterday at Yorke. Anteequity, in aw its records of Greek and Roman folly, never produced a senator, veeseting his mistress, in so compleat a feul's garb. Char. Ha, ha, ha! ridiculous! I thought I had done wondering at the mirror of folly; but he is one of those geniuses that never appear Char. How can you laugh, Sir Archy, at such a shocking circumstance? Morde. Don't be frightened, madam, ha, ha, ha! don't be frightened! neither of them will be killed, take my word for it-unless it be with claret, for that's their weapon. Char. O Mr. Mordecai, how could you startle one so? Sir A. OI am sorry for that-guid faith, I was in hopes they had a mind to show their prowess before their meestress, and that we should bai a leetle Irish, or Newmarket blood spilt but what was the cause of challenge, Mordecai? Morde. Their passion for this lady, sir. Squire Groom challenged Sir Callaghan to drink your ladyship's health in a pint bumper which the knight gallantly accepted in an instant, and returned the challenge in a quart-which was as gallantly received and swallowed by the squire, ha, ha, ha! and out-braved by a fresh daring of three pints: upon which I thought proper to decamp; not thinking it altogether safe to be near the champions, lest I should be deluged by a cascade of claret. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Char. O, monstrous! they will kill themselves. Morde. Never fear, madam. Groom. [Within, hallooing.] Come along, Sir Callaghan Brallaghan, haus, haux! hark forward, my honies. Morde. Here your champion comes, madam. Enter SQUIRE GROOM, drunk. Groom. Madam, I beg a million of pardons for not being with you at dinner-it was not my fault, upon my honour-for I sat up all night, on purpose to set out betimes; hut, about one o'clock, last night, at York, as we were all damned jolly, that fool, Sir Roger Bumper, borrowed my watch to set his by it;-there it is-look at it, madam, it corrects the sun-they all stop by it, at Newmarket:-And so, madam, as I was telling you, the drunken blockhead put mine back two hours, on purpose to deceive me-otherwise I would have held fifty to one I should have been here to a second. Char. O, sir, there needs no apology; but how came you to travel in that extraordinary dress? Groom. A bett, a bett, madam-I rid my match in this very dress, yesterday: So, Jack Buck, Sir Roger Bumper, and some more of them, layed me an hundred each that I would not ride to London and visit you in it, madamha, ha! don't you think I have touched them, madam? ha? I have taken them all in,-ha! hav'n't I, madam? Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Char. You have, indeed, sir; pray what time do you allow yourself to come from York to London? Groom. Ha! time! Why, bar a neck, a leg, or an arm, sixteen hours, seven minutes, and thirty three seconds-sometimes three or four seconds under, that is, to the Stone's end, not to my own house. Sir A. No, no, not tull your own hoose, that would be too much. Groom. No, no, only to the Stone's end; but then, I have my own hacks, steel to the bottom, all blood-stickers and lappers every inch, my dear-that will come through if they have but one leg out of four. I never keep any thing, madam, that is not bottom.-game, game to the last; ay, ay, you will find every thing that belongs to me game, madam. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! weel seed, squere—yes, yes, he is game, game to the bottom.-There, walk aboot, and let us see yeer shapes.—Ha! what a fine feegure; why, yee are so fine a feegure, and hai so guid a understanding for it, it is a peety yee should ever do any thing aw yeer life, but ride horse-races.-Do na yee think he is a cursed ideot, Mordecai? [Whispering MORDECAI. Morde. Um! he is well enough for a squire— ha, ha! Groom. Madam, I am come to pay my respects to you, according to promise. Well, which of us is to be the happy man! you know, I love you-may I never win a match, if I don't. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Char. O, sir, I am convinced of your passion -I see it in your eyes, Sir A. Weel, but squire, you hai gi us na account how the match went. Char. Pray, what was the match, sir? Groom. Our Contribution, madam. There are seven of us. -Jack Buck-Lord Brainless-Bob Rattle (you know Bob, madam, Bob's a damned bones fellow-Sir Harry Idle -Dick Riot-Sir Roger Bumper-and my self. We put in five hundred a piece, all to ride ourselves, and all to carry my weight.— The odds at starting were six and seven to four against me, the field round; and the field, ten, fifteen, and twenty to one-for you must know, madam, the thing I was to have rid was let down-do you mind?—was let down, madam, in his exercise. Sir A. That was unlucky. Groom. O, damned unlucky! however, we started off score, by Jupiter; and for the first half mile, madam, you might have covered us with your under petticoat. But your friend Bob, madam-ha, ha! I shall never forget it; poor Bob went out of the course, and ran over two attornies, an exciseman, and a little beau Jew, Mordecai's friend, madam, that you used to laugh at so immoderately at Bath- a little, fine, dirty thing, with a chocolate colour'd phiz, just like Mordecai'sThe people were in hopes he had killed the lawyers, but were damnably disappointed, when they found he had only broke a leg of one, and the back of the other. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! Sir A. And hoo did it end, squire? Who won the subscription? Groom. It lay between Dick Riot and me. We were neck and neck, madam, for three miles, |