Har. Adroit! you shall judge. I will tell you a case; You know the large brick-house at Peckham, with a turrett at top? Young Love. Well. Har. There lived Miss Cicely Mite, the only daughter of old Mite, the cheesemonger, at the corner of Newgate-street, just turned of fourteen, and under the wing of an old maiden aunt, as watchful as a dragon-but hush-I here Mrs. Mechlin; I'll take another season to finish my tale. Young Love. But, Mr. Harpy, as these kind of women are a good deal given to gossipping, I would rather my real name was a secret, till there is a sort of necessity. Har. Gossipping! She, Lord help you! she is close as a Catholic confessor. Young Love. That may be; but you must give me leave to insist. Har. Well, well; as you please. you. Mrs. Mech. What do you think of a wife? advice: when a young man's finances are low, a Har. Mrs. Mechlin has reason. with a wife? Mrs. Mech. Do!Why, like other young fellows who marry ladies a little stricken in years; make her your banker and steward. If you say but the word, before night, I'll give you a widow with two thousand a-year in her pocket. Young Love. Two thousand a-year! a pretty Your very humble servant, good madam Mech-employment, if the residence could but be dislin; I have taken the liberty to introduce a young gentleman, a friend of mine, to crave your assist ance. Enter MRS. MECHLIN. Mrs. Mech. Any friend of yours, Mr. Harpy; -won't you be seated, sir? Young Love. Ma'am ! [They sit down. Mrs. Mech. And pray, sir, how can I serve you? Har. Why, ma'am, the gentleman's situation is-But, sir, you had better state your case to Mrs. Mechlin yourself. Young Love. Why, you are to know, that I am just escaped from the university, where (I need not tell you) you are greatly esteemed. Mrs. Mech, Very obliging! I must own, sir, I have had a very great respect for that learned body ever since they made a near and dear friend of mine a doctor of music. Young Love. Yes, ma'am, I remember the gentleman. Mrs. Mech. Do you know him, sir? I expect him here every minute to instruct a lodger of mine. pensed with. Mrs. Mech. What do you mean by residence? Do you think a gentleman, like a pitiful trader, is to be eternally tacked to his wife's petticoat? When she is in town, be you in the country; as she shifts, do you shift. Why, you need not be with her above thirty days in the year; and, let me tell you, you wont find a more easy condition; twelve months subsistence for one month's labour! Young Love. Two thousand a.year! you are sure? Mrs. Mech. The least penny. Young Love. Well, madam, you shall dispose of me just as you please. an hour at farthest, I believe we shall finish the Mrs. Mech. Very well; if you'll call in half business. Young Love. In half an hour? Mrs. Mech. Precisely. Oh! dispatch is the very life and soul of my trade. Mr. Harpy will tell you my terms: You will find them reasonable enough. Har. Oh! I am sure we shall have no dispute about those. Young Love. No, no ! [Going. Mrs. Mech. Oh, but Mr. Harpy ! it may be party, is upwards of sixty. proper to mention, that the gentlewoman, the purse, not the person, I want. Sixty! she is Young Love. With all my heart? it is the quite a girl: I wish with all my soul she was ninety? Mrs. Mech. Get you gone; you are a devil! I see that. Young Love. Well? for half an hour! sweet Mrs. Mechlin, adieu! [Exeunt YOUNG LOVEIT and HARPY. Mrs. Mech. Soh! I have provided for my dowager from Devonshire-square: and now to cater for my commissary. Here he comes. Enter FUNGUS and BRIDOUN. 2. Fun. Never fear, I shan't be sparing of But come, come, let us go to our business 2. Fun. So, in six weeks-Oh, Mrs. Mech-John, have the carpenters brought home lin, any news from the lady? Mrs. Mech. I expect her here every moment. She is conscious, that in this step she descends from her dignity; but, being desirous to screen you from the fury of her noble relations, she is determined to let them see, that the act and deed is entirely her own. 2. Fun. Very kind, very obliging, indeed! But, Mrs. Mechlin, as the family is so furious, I reckon we shall never be reconciled? Mrs. Mech. I don't know that. When you have bought commissions for her three younger brothers, discharged the mortgage on the paternal estate, and portioned off eight or nine of her sisters, it is not impossible but my lord may be prevailed on to suffer your name 2. Fun. Do you think so? Mrs. Mech. But then a work of time, Mr. Fungus. 2. Fun. Ay, ay! I know very well, things of that kind are not brought about in a hurry. Mrs. Mech. But I must prepare matters for the lady's reception. 2. Fun. By all means. The jewels are sent to her ladyship? Mrs. Mech. To be sure. 2. Fun. And the ring for her ladyship, and her ladyship's licence? Mrs. Mech. Ay, ay, and her ladyship's parson too; all are prepared: 2. Fun. Parson! why, won't her ladyship please to be married at Powl's? Mrs. Mech. Lord! Mr. Fungus, do you think a lady of her rank and condition would bear to be seen in public at once with a person like you? 2. Fun. That's true, I Mrs. Mech. No, no! I have sent to Dr. Tickletext, and the business will be done in the parlour below. 2. Fun. As you and her ladyship pleases, good Mrs. Mechlin. Mrs. Mech. You will get dressed as soon as you can. 2. Fun. I shall only take a short lesson from Mr. Bridoun, and then wait her ladyship's pleasure. Mrs. Mechlin, may my brother be by? Mrs. Mech. Ay, ay! provided his being so is kept a secret from her. 2. Fun. Never fear. [Exit MRS. MECHLIN.] Well, Mr. Bridoun, and you think I am mended a little? Brid. A great deal. 2. Fun. And that in a month or six weeks, I may be able to prance upon a long-tailed horse in Hyde park, without any danger of falling? Brid. Without doubt. 2. Fun. It will be vast pleasant, in the heat of the day, to canter along the king's-road, side by side with the ladies, in the thick of the dust; but that I must not hope for this summer. Brid. I don't know that, if you'll follow it close. my new horse? Enter JOHN. John. It is here. sir, upon the top of the stairs. 2. Fun. Then fetch it, in an instant. [Erit JOHN.] what a deal of time and trouble there goes, Mr. Bridoun, to the making a gentleman! And do your gentlemen-born now (for i reckon you have had of all sorts) take as much pains as we do. Brid. To be sure; but they begin at an earlier age. 2. Fun. There is something in that; I did not know but they might be apter, more cuterer, now,.in catching their larning. Brid. Dispositions do certainly differ. 2. Fun. Ay, ay! something in nater, I warrant; as they say the children of Blackamoors will swim as soon as they come into the world. Enter Servants with a wooden horse. Oh, here he is. Ods me! It is a stately fine beast. Brid. Here, my lads, place it here-Very well. Where's your switch, Mr. Fungus? 2. Fun. I have it. Brid. Now, let me see you vault nimbly into your seat. Zounds! you are got on the wrong side, Mr. Fungus. an 2. Fun. I am so indeed! but we'll soon rectify that. Now we are right; may I have leave to lay hold of the mane? Brid. If you can't mount him without. 2. Fun. I will try; but this steed is so devilish tall—Mr. Bridoun, you don't think he'll throw me? horse stands still very near as fast as another | can gallop. Brid. Mind your toes. Fun. Ho! stop the horse! Zounds! I'm out of the stirrups, I can't sit him no longer; there I go[Falls off Brid. I hope you ar'n't hurt? Fun. My left hip has a little confusion. Brid. A trifle, quite an accident; it might happen to the very best rider in England. Fun. Indeed! Brid. We have such things happen every day at the manage; but you are vastly improved. Fun Why, I am grown bolder a little: and, Mr. Bridoun, when do you think I may venture to ride a live horse? Brid. The very instant you are able to keep your seat on a dead one. Enter MRS. MECHLIN. Mrs. Mech. Bless me, Mr. Fungus, how you are trifling your time! I expect lady Sacharissa every moment, and see what a trim you are in! Fun. I beg pardon, good madam, Mechlin.I'll be equipped in a couple of minutes; where will her ladyship please to receive me? Mrs. Mech. In this room, to be sure! come, stir, stir! Fun, I have had a little fall from my horseI'll go as fast as I-Mr. Bridoun, will you lend me a lift? [Ereunt FUNGUS and BRIDOUN. Mrs. Mech. There-Jenny, show Mrs. Loveit in here-Who's there? Enter SERVANTS. Pray, move that piece of lumber out of the way. Come, come, make haste! Madam, if you'll step in here for a moment. Enter MRS. LOVEIT. Mrs. Love. So, so, Mrs. Mechlin; well, you see I am true to my time; add how have you throve, my good woman? Mrs. Mech. Beyond expectation.. Mrs. Love. Indeed! And have you provided a party! Mrs. Mech. Ay, and such a party, you might search the town round before you could meet with his fellow: he'll suit you in every respect. Mrs Love. As how, as how, my dear woman? Mrs. Mech. A gentleman, by birth and by breeding; none of your little whipper snapper Jacks, but a countenance as comely, and a presence as portly?—he has one fault, indeed, if you can but overlook that. Mrs. Love. What is it? Mrs. Love. Age! how, how? Mrs. Mech. Why, he is rather under your mark, I am afraid; not above twenty at most. Mrs. Love. Well, well, so he answers in every thing else, we must overlook that; for, Mrs. Mechlin, there is no expecting perfection below. Mrs. Mech. Truc, madam. Mrs. Love. And where is he? Mrs. Mech. I look for him every minute: if you will but step into the drawing-room-I have given him such a picture, that I am sure he is full as impatient as you. Mrs. Love. My dear woman, you are so kind and obliging! But, Mrs. Mechlin, how do I look? Don't flatter me; do you think my figure will strike him? Mrs. Mech. Or he must be blind. Mrs. Lone. You may just hint black don't become me; that I am a little pale of late; the loss of a husband one loves, will cause an alteration, you know. Mrs. Mech. True; oh, he will make an allowance for that. Mrs. Love. But things will come round in a [Exit. trice. Enter DOLLY and JENNY. Dol. Hush, Simon, hush! to your post. [Exit. Dol. Well, Jenny, and have I the true quality-air? Jen. As perfectly, madam, as if you had been bred to the business; and for figure, I defy the first of them all. For my part, I think Mr. Fungus very well off; when the secret comes out, I don't see what right he has to be angry. Dol. Oh, when once he is noosed, let him struggle as much as he will, the cord will be drawn only the tighter. Jen. Ay, ay, we may trust to your management. I hope, miss, I shall have the honour to follow your fortunes? There will be no bearing this house when once you have left it. Dol. No, Jenny, it would be barbarous to rob my aunt of so useful a second; besides, for mistress and maid, we rather know one another a little too well. Jen. Indeed! But here comes Mr. Fungusremember distance and dignity. Dol. I warrant you, wench. Jen. So, I see what I have to hope. Our young filly seems to be secure of her match: but I may jostle her the wrong side of the post; we will have a trial, however: but I must see and find out the brother. [Aside and Exit. Enter Z, FUNGUS and MRS. MECHLIN. Fun. Yes, scarlet is vastly becoming, and takes very much with the ladies; quite proper, too, as I have been in the army. Mrs. Mech. Stay where you are till you are announced to the lady-Mr. Fungus begs leave to throw himself at your ladyship's feet. Dol. The mon may draw nigh. Fun. Here, hold the paper to prompt me, in case I should stumble.Madam, or, may it please your ladyship, when I preponderate the grandeur of your high ginnyalogy, and the mercantile meanness of my dingy descent; when I consider that your ancestors, like Admiral Anson, sailed all round the world in the ark; and that it is a matter of doubt whether I ever had any forefathers or no; I totter, I tremble, at the thoughts of my towering ambition-Ah-a, is not Phaeton next? Mrs. Mech. Hey! [Looking at the paper.] No. Luna. Fun. Right-ambition-dignity how debased, distance how great! it is as if the link should demand an alliance with Luna, or the bushy bramble court the boughs of the stately Scotch fir; it is as if -What's the next? Mrs. Mech. Next-hey! I have lost the place, I am afraid-Come, come, enough has been said; you have showed the sense you entertain of the honour. Upon these occasions, a third person is fittest to cut matters short. Your ladyship hears that—— Dol. Yes, yes, I ken weel enough what the mon would be at. Mrs. Mechlin has speared sike things in your great commendations, Mr. Fungus, that I cannot but say I cliked a fancy to you from the very beginning. Fun. Much obliged to Mrs. Mechlin, indeed, please your lady ship Dol. You ken I am of as auncient a family as any North Britain can boast? Fun. I know it full well, please your ladyship. Dol. And that I shall get the ill-wull of a' my kin by this match? Fun. I am sorry for that, please your ladyship. Dol. But, after the ceremony, it will be proper to withdraw from town for a short space of time. Fun. Please your ladyship, what your ladyship pleases. Dol. In order to gi' that gossip Scandal just time to tire her tongue. Fun. True, your ladyship. Dol. I mun expect that the folk will mak free wi' my character in choosing sike a consort as you Fun. And with me, too, please your ladyship. Dol. Wi' you, mon! Mrs. Mech. Hold your tongue! Dol. Donna you think the honour will dra mickle envy upon you? Fun. Oh, to be sure, please your ladyship. I did not mean bat. Dol. Weel, I say, we'll gang into the country. Fun. As soon as your ladyship pleases; I have a sweet house, bard by Reading. Dol. You ha'? that's right. Fun. One of the most pleasantest places that can be again. Dol. Ha' you a good prospect? Fun. Twenty stage-coaches drive every day by the door, besides carts and gentlemen's carriages. Dol. Ah, that will Mrs. Mech. Oh, your ladyship will find all things prepared: in the next room the attorney waits with the writings. Fun. The honour of your ladyship's hand— Dol. Maister Fungus, you're a little too hasty. [Erit. Mrs. Mech. Not till after the nuptials; you must not expect to be too familiar at first. Fun. Pray, when do you think we shall bring about the bedding? Mrs. Mech. About the latter end of the year, when the winter sets in. Fun. Not before? Enter YOUNG LOVEIT, hastily. Young Love. I hope, Madam Mechlin, I have not exceeded my hour; but I expected Mr. Harpy would call. Mrs. Mech. He is in the next room with a lady. Oh, Mr. Fungus, this gentleman is ambitious of obtaining the nuptial benediction from the same hands after you. Fun. He's heartily welcome: What, and is his woman of quality, too? Mrs. Mech. No, uo; a cit; but monstrously rich. But your lady will wonder Fun. Ay, ay: but you'll follow? for I shan't know what to say to her when we are alone. [Exit. Mrs. Mech. I will send you, sir, your spouse in an instant: the gentlewoman is a widow; so you may throw in what raptures you please. Young Love. Never fear! [Erit MRS. MECHLIN. And yet this scene is so new, how to ac quit myself-let me recollect-some piece of a play now- Vouchsafe, divine perfection!'No, that won't Jo for a dowager; it is too humble and whining. But, see, the door opens, so I have no time for rehearsal-I have it-Clasped in the the folds of love, I'll meet my doom, and act my Enter MRS. LOVEIT. Mrs. Love. Ha! Young Love. By all that's monstrous, my mother! Mrs. Love. That rebel my son, as I live! Young Love. The quotation was quite apropos! Had it been a little darker, I might have revived the story of Edipus. Mrs. Love. So, sirrah, what makes you from your studies? Young Love. A small hint I received of your inclinations brought me here, madam, in order to prevent, if possible, my father's fortune from going out of the family. Mrs. Love. Your father! how dare you disturb his dear ashes? you know well enough how his dear memory melts me; and that at his very, sir, are one party, I reckon but where is the→ name my heart is ready to break! Ah, Dolly! what, are you here, my dear? Dol. Soh! Young Love. Well said, my old matron of Ephesus! [Aside. Mrs. Love. That is what you want, you disobedient, unnatural monster! but complete, accomplish your cruelty; send me the same road your villanies forced your father to take! [Cries. Enter MRS. MECHLIN. Mrs. Mech. Hey-day! What the deuce have we here? our old lady in tears! Mrs. Love. Disappointed a little; that's all. Mrs. Mech. Pray, madam, what can occasionMrs. Love. Lord bless me, Mrs. Mechlin, what a blunder you have made! Mrs. Mech. A blunder! as how? Mrs. Love. Do you know who you have brought me ? Mrs. Mech. Not perfectly. Mrs. Love. My own son! that's all. Mrs. Love. Ay, that rebellious, unnaturalMrs. Mech. Blunder, indeed! But who could have thought it! why, by your account, ma'am, I imagined your son was a child scarce out of his frocks. Mrs. Love. Here's company coming, so my reputation will be blasted for ever. Mrs. Mech. Never fear; leave the care on't to me. Enter FUNGUS and DOLLY. Fun. What is the matter? You make such a noise, there is no such thing as minding the writings. Mrs. Mech. This worthy lady, an old friend of mine, not having set eyes on her son since the death of his father, and being apprised by me that here she might meet with him, came with a true maternal affection to give him a little whole some advice. Mrs. Love. Well said, Mrs. Mechlin! Mrs. Mech. Which the young man returned in a way so brutal and barbarous, that his poor mother- -Be comforted, ma'am ; you had better repose on my bed. Mrs. Love. Any where, to get out of his sight. Mrs. Love. Do you think you can procure me another party? Mrs. Mech. Never doubt it. [Exit coughing. Mrs. Mech. Bear up a little, ma'am. Fun. Fie upon you! you have thrown the old gentlewoman into the stericks. Young Love. Sir? Fun. You a man! you are a scandal, a shame to your sect! Enter DR. CATGUT. Dr. Cat. Come, come, Mrs. Mechlin, are the couple prepared? the fiddles are tuned, the bows ready rosined, and the whole band———Oh, you Fun. Dolly! Who the devil can this be? Dr. Cat. As nice and as spruce, too! the bridemaid, I warrant: why, you look as blooming, you slut! Fun. What can this be! Hark ye, sir ! Fun. Don't you think you are rather too familiar with a lady of her rank and condition? Dr. Cat. Rank and condition! what, Dolly? Fun. Dolly! what a plague possesses the man? this is no Dolly, I tell you. Dr. Cat. No! Fun. No, this is Lady Scracarissa Mackirkincroft. Dr. Cat. Who! Fun. Descended from the old, old, old Earl of Glendowery. Dr. Cat. What, she? Dolly Mechlin? Fun. Dolly devil! the man's out of his wits, I believe! Enter MRS. MECHLIN. Oh, Mrs. Mechlin, will you set this matter to rights? Mrs. Mech. How! Dr. Catgut? Fun. The strangest fellow here has danced up stairs, and has Dolly, Dolly, Dollyed my ladywho the plague can he be? Dr. Cat. Oh, apropos, Molly Mechlin! what, is this the man that is to be married? The marriage will never hold good; why he is more frantic and madder Fun. Mad! John, fetch me the foils; I'll carte and tierce you, you scoundrel! Enter ISAAC FUNGUS and JENNY. I. Fun. Where's brother? it an't over? you ben't married, I hope? 2. Fun. No, I believe not; why, what is the1. Fun. Pretty hands you are got into! Your servant, good madam; what, this is the person, I warrant? ay, how pretty the puppet is painted! Do you know who she is? 2. Fun. Who she is! without doubt. I. Fun. No, you don't, brother Zac; only the spawn of that devil incarnate, dressed out as― 2. Fun. But hark ye, Isaac! are-don't be in a hurry-are you sure I. Fun. Sure-the girl of the house, abhorring their scandalous project, has freely confessed the whole scheme. Jenny, stand forth, and answer boldly to what I shall ask: is not this wench the woman's niece of the house? Jen. I fancy she will hardly deny it. I. Fun. And is not this mistress of yours a most profligate— Mrs. Mech. Come, come, Master Isaac, I will save you the trouble, and cut this matter short in an instant. Well then, this girl, this Dolly, is my niece; and what then? 2. Fun. And an't you, an't you ashamed? Young Love. She ashamed! I would have |