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I. Fun. Rich as a Jew! Ah, Zac, Zac! but if I. Fun. Why, you called him but now, Capyou had not had another-guess trade than fight-tain Wilkins! ing, I doubt whether you would have returned altogether so rich: but now you have got all this wealth, why not sit down and enjoy it in quiet? 2. Fun. Hark ye, Isaac? do you purtend to know life? are you acquainted with the beaux d'espirits of the age?

I. Fun. I don't understand you.

2. Fun. Psha! You blockhead, I tell you the name does not signify nothing-Your servant; shall I crave your ear for a moment? The captain politely replies, Your commands, good Mr. Fungus? Then we walk side by side-Come here, Mrs. Mechlin-[They walk up and down.] for some time as civil as can be. Mind, bro

2. Fun. No, I believe not; then how should ther Isaac. you know what belongs to gentility?

I. Fun. And why not as well as you, brother Zac? I hope I am every whit as well born?

2. Fun. Ay, Isaac, but the breeding is all; consider I have been a gentleman above five years and three quarters, and I think should know a little what belongs to the business; hey, Mrs. Mechlin?

Mrs. Mech. Very true, sir.

Z. Fun. And as to this foil, do you know, Isaac, in what the art of fencing consists?

I. Fun. How should I?

2. Fun. Why, it is short; there are but two rules: the first is to give your antagonist as many thrusts as you can; the second, to be careful and receive none yourself.

I. Fun. But how is this to be done?

I. Fun. I do, I do.

2. Fun. Hey! no t'other side, Mrs. Mechlin -that's right---I hear, Captain Wilkins―― 1. Fun. I knew it was Wilkins.

2. Fun. Zounds! Isaac, be quiet-Wilkins, that you have taken some liberties about, and concerning of me, which, damme, I don't understand

I. Fun. Don't swear, brother Zachary. 2. Fun. Did over mortal hear the like of this fellow !

I. Fun. But you are grown such a reprobate since you went to the wars.

2. Fun. Mrs. Mechlin, stop the tongue of that blockhead! why, dunce, I am speaking by rule, and Mrs. Mechlin can tell you that duels and damme's go always together. Mrs. Mech. O, always!

2. Fun. Oh, easy enough: for, do you see, if you can but divert your adversary's point from 2. Fun. Which, damme, I don't understand. the line of your body, it is impossible he ever-Liberties with you, cries the captain! where should hit you; and all this is done by a little turn of the wrist, either this way or that way. But I'll show you: John, bring me a foil. Mrs. Mechlin, it will be worth your observing. Here, brother Isaac [Offers him a foil.

I. Fun. Not I.

when, and in what manner? Last Friday night, in company at the St. Alban's, you called me a buck; and moreover said, that my horns were exalted. Now, sir, I know very well what was your meaning by that, and therefore demand satisfaction. That, sir, is what I never deny to a 2. Fun. These bourgeois are are so frightful! gentleman; but as to you, Mr. Fungus, I can't Mrs. Mechlin, will you, ma'am, do me the fav-consent to give you that rank. How, sir! Do our to push at me a little? Mind, brother, when you deny my gentility? Oh, that affront must be she thrusts at me in carte, I do so; and when she answered this instant-Draw, sir! Now push, pushes in tierce, I do so; and by this means a Mrs. Mechlin! They fence There I parry man is sure to avoid being killed. But it may tierce; there I parry carte: there I parrynot be amiss, brother Isaac, to give you the pro- Hold, hold; have a care; zooks! Mrs. Mechlin! gress of a regular quarrel; and then you will see what sort of a thing a gentleman is. Now I have been told, d'ye see, brother Isaac, by a friend, who has a regard for my honour, that Captain Jenkins, or Hopkins, or Wilkins, or what captain you please, has in public company called me a cuckold

I. Fun. A cuckold! But how can that be? because why, brother Zac, you ben't married.

2. Fun. But as I am just going to be married, that may very well happen, you know. Mrs. Mech. True.

Z. Fun. Yes, yes, the thing is natural enough. Well, the captain has said I am a cuckold. Upon which, the first time I set eyes on Captain Wilkins, either at Vauxhall or at Ranelagh, I accost him in a courteous, genteel-like manner.

1. Fun. And that's more than he merits. 2. Fun. Your patience, dear Isaac-in a courteous, gentleman-like manner; Captain Hopkins, your servant.

1. Fun. Ha, ha, ha! I think you have met with your match; well pushed, Mrs. Mechlin.

2. Fun. Ay, but instead of pushing in tierce, she pushed me in carte, and came so thick with her thrusts, that it was not in nature to parry them.

I. Fun. Well, well, I am fully convinced of your skill. But I think, brother Zac, you hinted an intention of marrying; is that your design? 2 Fun. Undoubtedly.

I. Fun. And when?

2. Fun. Why, this evening.

I. Fun. So sudden! and pray, is it a secret? to whom?

2. Fun. A secret! no; I am proud of the match; she brings me all that I want; her veins full of good blood; such a family! such an alliance! Zooks, she has a pedigree as long as the Mall, brother Isaac, with large trees on each side, and all the boughs loaded with lords! I. Fun. But has the lady no name?

I. Fun. To have yourself and your orders contemned by your servants? Z. Fun. No.

2. Fun. Name! ay, such a name! Lord, we have nothing like it in London! none of your stunted little dwarfish words of one syllable; your Watts, and your Potts, and your Trotts; I. Fun. To see your property devoured by this rumbles through the throat like a cart with your lady's beggarly cousins, who, notwithstandbroad wheels. Mrs. Mechlin, you can pro-ing, won't vouchsafe you a nod? nounce it better than me.

Mrs. Mech. Lady Sacharissa Mackirkincroft.

Z. Fun. No.

I. Fun. Why, will you dare to disobey, have the impudence to dispute the sovereign will and pleasure of a lady like her?

2. Fun. Ay, marry will I.

1. Fun. Can you be blind at her bidding, run 2. Fun. Kirkincroft! there are a mouthful of at her sending, come at her calling, dine by yoursyllables for you! Lineally descended from Her-self when she has bettermost company, and sleep cules Alexander Charlemagne Hannibal, Earl of six nights a-week in the garret ? Glendower, prime minister to King Malcolm I. 2. Fun. No. I. Fun. And are all the parties agreed? 2. Fun. I can't say quite all; for the right honourable peer, that is to be my papa, (who, by the by, is as proud as the devil) has flatly renounced the alliance; calls me here in his letter Plebeian; and says, if we have any children, they will turn out very little better than pye-balds. I. Fun. And what does the gentlewoman say? 2. Fun. The gentlewoman! Oh, the gentlewoman, who (between ourselves) is pretty near as high as her father-but, however, my person has proved too hard for her pride, and I take the affair to be as good as concluded.

I. Fun. It is resolved?

2. Fun. Fixed.

I. Fun. I am sorry for it.

2. Fun. Why so? Come, come, brother Isaac don't be uneasy; I have a shrewd guess at your grievance; but though you may not be suffered to see Lady Scracarissa at first, yet who knows before long, I may have interest enough with her to bring it about? and, in the mean time, you may dine when you will with the steward.

İ. Fun. You are exceedingly kind.

2. Fun. Mrs. Mechlin, you don't think my lady will gainsay it?

Mrs. Mech. By no means; it is wonderful, considering her rank, how mild and condescending she is: why, but yesterday, says her ladyship to me, though, Mrs. Mechlin, it can't be supposed that I should admit any of the Fungus into my presence

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2. Fun. No, no, to be sure; not at first, as I said.

Mrs. Mech. Yet his brother, or any other relation, may dine with the servants every day.

2. Fun. Do you hear, Isaac? there's your true, inherent nobility, so humble and affable! but people of real rank never have any pride; that is only for upstarts.

I. Fun. Wonderfully gracious! but here, brother Zac, you mistake me: it is not for myself I

am sorry.

2. Fun. Whom then? I. Fun. For you. Don't you think that your wife will despise you? 2. Fun. No.

I. Fun. Can you suppose that you will live together a month?

2. Fun. Yes.

I. Fun. Why, can you bear to walk about your own house like a paltry dependant ? 2. Fun. No.

I. Fun. And don't you expect a whole clan of Andrew Ferraras, with their naked points at your throat?

2. Fun. No.

I. Fun. Then you don't know half you will have to go through.

2. Fun. Look you, brother, I know what you would be at, you don't mean I should marry at

all.

1. Fun. Indeed, brother Zachary, you wrong me; I should, with pleasure see you equally matched, that is, to one of your own rank and condition.

2. Fun. You would? I don't doubt it; but that is a pleasure you never will have. Look you, Isaac, I have made up my mind; it is a lady I like, and a lady I will have; and, if you say any more, I'll not be contented with that, for, damme, I will marry a duchess!

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Enter LA FLEUR.

La Fleur. Le maitre pour donner d'eloquence. 2. Fun. What does the puppy say, Mrs. Mechlin? for, you know, I can't parle vous. Mrs. Mech. The gentleman from the city, that is to make you a speaker.

2. Fun. Odzooks! a special fine fellow! let's have him.

Mrs. Mech. Faites les entres.

[Exit LA FLEUR. I. Fun. Brother, as you are busy, I will take another

2. Fun. No, no, this is the finest fellow of ali; it is he that is to make me a man; and harkye, brother? if I shou'd chance to rise in the state, no more words-your business is done.

I. Fun. What! I reckon some member of parliament?

2. Fun. A member! Lord help you, brother Isaac! this man is a whole senate hunself. Why, it is the famous orationer that has published the book.

I. Fun. What! Mr. Gruel?
2. Fun. The same.

I. Fun. Yes, I have seen his name in the

news.

2. Fun. His knowledge is wonderful: he has told me such secrets! why, do you know, Isaac, by what means 'tis we speak ?

I. Fun. Speak! why, we speak with our

mouths.

2. Fun. No, we don't.

I. Fun. No!

2. Fun. No, he says we speak by means of the tongue, the teeth, and the throat; and, with out them, we should only bellow.

I. Fun. But surely the mouth

2. Fun. The mouth, I tell you, is little or nothing; only just a cavity for the air to pass through.

I. Fun. Indeed!

2. Fun. That's all; and when the cavity is small, little sounds will come out; when large, the great ones proceed: observe, now in whistling and bawling-[Whistles and bawls.] Do you see? Oh, he is a miraculous man?

I. Fun. But of what use is all this?

2. Fun. But 'tis knowledge, an't it? And of what signification is that, you fool? And then as to use, why, he can make me speak in a manner he pleases; as a lawyer, a merchant, a country gentleman; whatever the subject requires-But here he is.

Enter MR. GRuel.

Mr. Gruel, your servant; I have been holding forth in your praise.

Gruel. I make no doubt, Mr. Fungus; but to your declamation or recitation (as Quintilian more properly terms it), I shall be indebted for much future praise, inasmuch as the reputation of the scholar does (as I may say) confer or rather, as it were, reflect a marvellous kind of lustre on the fame of the master himself.

Gruel. Observe how altered by means of my art! are you prepared in the speech on the great importance of trade?

2. Fun. Pretty well, I believe.

Gruel. Let your gesticulations be chaste, and your muscular movements consistent. 2. Fun. Never fear

Enter JENNY and whispers MRS. MECHLIN. Mrs. Mecklin, you'll stay?

Mrs. Mech. A little business; I'll return in an instant. [Erit MRS. MECH. Gruel. A little here to the left, if you please, sir; there you will only catch the profile-that's right-now you will have the full force of his face; one, two, three; now, off you go!

2. Fun. When I consider the vast importance of this day's debate; when I revolve the various vicissitudes that this soil has sustained; when I ponder what our painted progenitors were, and what we, their civilized successors, are: when I reflect, that they fed on crab apples and

chesnuts

Gruel. Pignuts, good sir, if you please.

2. Fun. You are right-crab apples and pig nuts; and that we feast on green pease and on custards: when I trace, in the recording historical page, that their floods gave them nothing but frogs, and now know we have fish by land-carriage, I am lost in amazement at the prodigious power of commerce. Hail, commerce! daughter of industry, consort to credit, parent of opulence, full sister to liberty, and great grandmother to the art of navigation

I. Fun. Why, this gentlewoman has a pedi

2. Fun. There, Isaac, didst ever hear thegree as long as your wife's brother Zac! 2. Fun. Pr'ythee, Isaac, be quiet; art of navi like? He talks just as if it were all out of a gation-a-a-vigitation-Zooks, that fellow book: What would you give to be able to utter has put me quite out!

such words.

I. Fun. And what should I do with them? Them holiday terms would not pass in my shop; there's no buying and selling with them.

Gruel. It matters not; this day's performance has largely fulfilled your yesterday's promise.

2. Fun. But I han't half done, the best is to come; let me just give him that part about Gruel. Your observation is pithy and per- turn-pegs- -for the sloughs, the mires, the tinent. Different stations, different idioms de- ruts, the impassible bogs, that the languid, but mand; polished periods accord ill with the generous steed travelled through; he now pricks mouths of mechanics; but as that tribe is per-up his ears, he neighs, he canters, he capers mitted to circulate a baser kind of coin, for the through a whole region of turn-pegs. ease and convenience of inferior traffick, so it is indulged with a vernacular or vitious vulgar phraseology, to carry on their interlocutory cominerce. But I doubt, sir, I soar above the region of your comprehension?

I. Fun. Why, if you would come down a step or two, I can't say but I should understand you the better.

2. Fun. And I too.

Enter MRS. MECHLIN.

Mrs. Mech. Your riding-master is below. 2. Fun. Gadso! then here must end.You'll pardon me, good Mr. Gruel; for as I want to be a finished gentleman as soon as can, it is impossible for me to stick long to any one thing.

Gruel. Sir, though your exit is rather abrupt, Gruel. Then to the familiar I fall: If the gen-yet the multiplicity of your avocations do (as I tleman has any ambition to shine at a vestry, a common-hall, or even a convivial club, I can supply him with ample materials.

T. Fun. No, I have no such desire. Gruel. Not to lose time-your brother here (for such I find the gentleman is), in other respects a common man like yourself— 2. Fun. No better.

I

may say) in some measure cicatrize the otherwise mortal wound on this occasion sustained by de

corum.

2. Fun. Cicatrize! I could hear him all day. He is a wonderful man! Well, Mr. Gruel, tomorrow we will at it again.

Gruel. You will find me prompt at your slightest volition.

2. Fun. I wish, brother Isaac, I could have staid; you should have heard me oration away, like a lawyer, about pleadings and presidents; but all in good time [Exit Z. FUNGUS. Mrs. Mech. This gentleman, sir, will gain you vast credit.

Gruel. Yes, madam, the capabilities of the gentleman, I confess, are enormous; and as to you I am indebted for this promising pupil, you will permit me to expuge the obligation by an instantaneous and gratis lecture on that species of eloquence peculiar to ladies.

Mrs. Mech. Oh, sir, I have no sort of occasion.

Gruel. As to that biped, man (for such I design him to be), a male or masculine manner belong

Mrs. Mech. Any other time, good Mr. Gruel. Gruel. So, to that biped, woman, she participating of his general nature, the word homo, in Latin, being promiscuously used as woman, or

Mrs. Mech. For Heaven's sake.

Gruel. But being cast in a more tender and delicate mould

Mrs. Mech. Sir, I have twenty people in waiting

Gruel. The soft suppliant, insinuating gra

ces

Mrs. Mech. I must insist

Gruel. Do appertain (as I may say) in a more peculiar or particular manner.

Mrs. Mech. Nay then

Gruel. Her rank in the order of entities-Mrs. Mech. I must thrust you out of my house.

Gruel. Not calling her forth-
Mrs. Mech. Was there ever such a-

Enter DR. CATGUT.

Dr. Cat. Madam Mechlin, your humble. I have madam, received a couple of compliments from your mansion this morning; one I find from a lodger of yours; the other, I presume, from your niece; but for the last, I rather suppose I am indebted to you.

Mrs. Mech. Me! Indeed, doctor, you are widely mistaken: I assure you, since your business broke out, I have never set eyes of her

once.

Dr. Cat. Then I am falsely informed. Mrs, Mech. But after all you must own it is but what you deserve: I wonder, doctor, you don't leave of these tricks.

Dr. Cat. Why, what can I do, Mrs. Mechlin? My constitution requires it.

Mrs. Mech. Indeed! I should not have thought it.

Dr. Cat. Then the dear little devils are so desperately fond.

Mrs. Mech. Without doubt.

Dr. Cat. And for frolic, flirtation, diligence, dress, and address.

Mrs. Mech. To be sure.

Dr Cat. For what you call genuine gallantry, few men, I flatter myself, will be found that can

match me.

Mrs. Mech. Oh, that' a point given up.

Dr. Cat. Harkye, Molly Mechlin ; let me pcrish, child, you look divinely to-day.

Mrs. Mech. Indeed!

Dr. Cat. But that I have two or three affairs on my hands, i should be positively tempted to trifle with thee a little.

Mrs. Mech. Ay, but doctor, consider I am not of a trifling age; it would be only losing

[Pushing him out. your time.

Enter GRUEL.

Gruel. To those eminent, hazardous, and (as I may say) perilous conflicts which so often.Mrs. Mech. Get down stairs, and be hanged to you! [Pushes him out]-There he goes as I five, from the top to the bottom! I hope I han't done him a mischief: you ar'n't hurt, Mr. Gruel? No, all's safe; I hear him going on with his specch; an impertinent puppy!

I. Fun. Impertinent indeed; I wonder all those people don't turn your head, Mrs. Mechlin.

Mrs. Mech. Oh, I am pretty well used to them. But who comes here? Mr. Isaac, if you will step into the next room, I have someting to communicate that well deserves your attention. Exit I. FUNGUS,

Enter SIMON.

Sim. Dr. Catgut at the foot of the stairs. Mrs. Mech. The devil he is! What can have brought hun at this time of day? Watch, Simon, that nobody comes up whilst he is here.--[Exit SIMON.-I hope he has not heard of the pretty present we sent him to day.

Dr. Cat. Ha, so ccy! But a-propos, Molly, this lodger of yours; who is he, and what does he want?

Mrs. Mech. You have heard of the great Mr. Fungus.

Dr. Cat. Well!

Mrs. Mech. Being informed of your skill and abilities, he has sent for you to teach him to sing.

Dr. Cat. Me teach him to sing! What, does the scoundrel mean to affront me?

Mrs. Mech. Affront you!

Dr. Cat. Why, don't you know, child, that I have quitted that paltry profession? Mrs. Mech Not I.

Dr. Cat. Oh, entirely renounced it.

Mrs. Mech. Then what may you follow at present?

Dr. Cat. Me! nothing; I am a poet my dear..

Mrs. Mech. A poet!

· Dr. Cat. A poet. The muses; you know I was always fond of the ladies.. I suppose you have heard of Shakspeare, and Shadwell, of Tom Brown, and of Milton and Hudibrass? Mrs. Mech. I have.

Dr. Cat. I shall blast all their laurels, by Gad!, sirous to learn all kinds of things, I can't help thinking but he will take a fancy to this.

I have just given the public a taste, but there's a belly-full for them in my larder at home.

Mrs. Mech. Upon my word, you surprise me; but pray, is poetry a trade to be learned? Dr. Cat. Doubtless. Capital as I am, I have not acquired it above a couple of years. Mrs. Mech. And could you communicate your art to another?

Dr. Cat. To be sure. Why I have here in my pocket, my dear, a whole folio of rhymes, from Z quite to great A. Let us see; A, ay, here it begins, A, ass, pass, grass, mass, lass; and so quite through the alphabet down to Z. Zounds, grounds, mounds, pounds, hounds.

Mrs. Mech. And what do you do with those rhymes?

Dr. Cat. Oh, we supply them!
Mrs Mech. Supply them.

Dr. Cat. Ay! hill them up, as I will show |
you. Last week, in a ramble to Dulwich, I made
these rhymes into a duet for a new comic opera
I have on the stocks. Mind, for I look upon the
words as a model for that sort of writing.-
First, she:

There to see the sluggish ass,
Thro' the meadows as we pass,
Eating up the farmer's grass,
Blyth and merry by the mass,
As a lively country lass.

Mrs. Mech. Very pretty !

Dr. Cat. A'n't it? then he replies:

Hear the Farmer cry out, Zounds:
As he trudges through the grounds,
Yonder beast has broke my mounds;
If the parish has no pounds,
Kill, and give him to the hounds.

Then da capo, both join in repeating the last
stanza; and this tacked to a tolerable tune,
will run you for a couple of months. You ob-
serve?

Mrs. Mech. Clearly; as our gentleman is de

Dr. Cat. In that case, he may command me, my dear; and I promise you, in a couple of months, he shall know as much of the matter as I do.

Mrs. Mech. At present he is a little engaged; but as soon as the honey moon is overDr. Cat. Honey moon! Why, is he going to be married?

Mrs. Mech. This evening I fancy.

Dr. Cat. The finest opportunity in nature for an introduction : I have by me, ma'am Mechlin, of my own composition, such an epithalmium-! Mrs. Mech. Thalmium, what's that? Dr. Cat. A kind of an elegy, that we poets compose the solemnization of weddings. Mrs. Mech. Oh, ho!

Dr. Cat. It is set to music already, for I still compose for myself.

Mrs. Mech. You do !

Dr. Cat. What think you, now, of providing a band, and serenading the 'squire to-night: It will be a pretty extempore compliment.

Mrs. Mech. The prettiest thought in the world. But I hear Mr. Fungus's bell. You'll excuse me, dear doctor : you may suppose we are busy.

Dr. Cat. No apology then; I'll about it this

instant,

Mrs. Mech. As soon as you please. Any thing to get you out of the way.

[dside, and exit. Dr. Cat. Your obsequious, good madam Mechlin. But notwithstanding all your fine speeches, I shrewdly suspect my blessed bargain at home was a present from you; and what shall I do with it?These little embarrasses we men of intrigue are eternally subject to.There will be no sending it back; she will never let it enter the house-Hey, gad! a lucky thought is come into my head-this serenade is finely contrived-Madam Mechlin shall have her cousin again, for I will return her byeblow in the body of a double base viol; so the bawd shall have a concert as well as the 'squire.— [Exit DR. CATGUT.

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