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1. Fun. Rich as a Jew! Ah, Zac, Zac! but if I. Fun. Why, you called him but now, Capyou had not had another-guess trade than fight-tain Wilkins ! ing, I doubt whether you would have returned 2. Fun. Psha ! You blockhead, I tell you the altogether so rich: but now you have got all name does not signify nothing Your servant; this wealth, why not sit down and enjoy it in quiet? shall I crave your ear for a moment? The cap
2. Fun. Hark ye, Isaac? do you purtend to tain politely replics, Your comniands, good Mr. know lite? are you acquainted with the beaux Fungus? Then we walk side by side-Come d'espirits of the age?
here, Mrs. Mechlin-[They walk up and down.] I. Fun. I don't understand you.
--for some time as civil as can be. Mind, bro2. Fun. No, I believe not; then how should ther Isaac. you know what belongs to gentility?
I. Fun. I do, I de. 1. Fun. And why not as well as you, brother 2. Fun. Hey! no t'other side, Mrs. Mechlin Zac? I hope I am every whit as well born? --that's right---I hear, Captain Wilkins
2. Fun. Ay, Isaac, but the breeding is all; 1. Fun. I knew it was Wilkins. consider I have been a gentleman above five 2. Fun. Zounds! Isaac, be quiet-Wilkins, years and three quarters, and I think should that you have taken some liberties about, and know a little what belongs to the business; hey, concerning of me, which, damme, I don't unMrs. Mechlin?
derstandMrs. Mech. Very true, sir.
I. Fun. Don't swear, brother Zachary. 2. Fun. And as to this foil, do you know, 2. Fun, Did orer mortal hear the like of this Isaac, in what the art of fencing consists? fellow ! 1. Fun. How should I?
I. Fun. But you are grown such a reprobate 2. Fun. Why, it is short; there are but two since you went io the wars. rules: the first is to give your antagonist as 2. Pun. Mrs. Mechlin, stop the tongue of that many thrusts as you can ; the second, to be care-blockhead! why, dunce, I am speaking by rule, ful and receive none yourself.
and Mrs. Mechlin can tell you that duels and I. Fun. But how is this to be done?
damme's go always together. 2. Fun. Oh, easy enough: for, do you see, if Mrs. Àlech. O, always ! you can but divert your adversary's point from 2. Fun. Whichi, dainme, I don't understand. the line of your body, it is impossible he ever --Liberties with you, cries the captain! where should hit you; and all this is done by a little when, and in what manner? Last Friday night, turn of the wrist, either this way or that way. in company at the St. Alban's, you called But I'll show you: John, bring me a foil. Mrs. me a buck; and moreover said, that my horas Mechlin, it will be worth your observing. Here, were exalted. Now, sir, I know very well what brother Isaac
[Offers him a foil. was your meaning by that, and therefore demand I. Fun. Not I.
satisfaction. That, sir, is what I nerer deny tua 2. Fun. These bourgeois are are so frightful! gentleman; but as to you, Mr. Fungus, I can't Mrs. Mechlin, will you, ma'am, do me the fav- consent to give you that rauk. How, sir! Do our to push at me a little? Mind, brother, when you deny my gentility? Oh, that affront must be she thrusts at me in carte, I do so; and when she answered this instant--Draw, sir! Now push, pushes in tierce, I do so ; and by this means a Mrs. Meclilin !They fence-There I pary man is sure to avoid being killed. But it may tierce; there I parry carte: there I parrynot be amiss, brother Isaac, to give you the pro- Hold, hold; have a care; zooks! Mrs. Mechlin! gress of a regular quarrel; and then you will see 1. Fun. Ha, ha, ha! I think you have met what sort of a thing a gentleman is. Now I with your march; well pushed, Mrs. Mechlin. have been told, d'ye see, brother Isaac, by a 2. Fun. Ay, but instead of pushing in tierce, friend, who has a regard for my honour, that she pushed me in carte, and came so thick with Captain Jenkins, or Hopkins, or Wilkins, or her thrusts, that it was not in nature to parry what captain you please, has in public company them. called me a cuckold
I. Fun. Well, well, I am fully convinced of I. Fun. A cuckold ! But how can that be your skill. But I think, brother Zac, you hinted because why, brother Zac, you ben't married. an intention of marrying; is that your design?
2. Fun. But as I am just going to be married, 2 Fun. Undoubtedly. that may very well happen, you know.
I. Fun. And when? Mrs. Mech. True.
2. Pun. Why, this evening. 2. Fun. Yes, yes, the thing is natural enough. I. Fun. So suddeo! and pray, is it a secret? Well, the captain has said I am a cuckold. Upon to whom? which, the first time I set eyes on Captain Wil- 2. Fun. A secret! no; I am proud of the kins, either at Vauxhall or at Ranelagh, 1 ac- match; she brings me all that I want; her reius cost him in a courteous, genteel-like manner. full of good blood; such a family! such an alli
1. Fun. And that's more than he merits. ance ! Zooks, she has a pedigree as long as the
2. Fun. Your patience, dear Isaac–in a Mall, brother Isaac, with large trees on each courteous, gentleman-like manner; Captain side, and all the boughs loaded with lords ! Hopkins, your servant.
I. Fun. But bas the lady no name?
2. Fun. Name! ay, such a name ! Lord, we 1. Fun. To have yourself and your orders conhave nothing like it in London! none of your temned by your servants? stunted little dwarfish words of one syllable; 2. Fun. No. your Watts, and your Potts, and your Trotts; 1. Fun. To see your property devoured by this rumbles through the throat like a cart witti your lady's beggarly cousins, who, notwithstandbroad wheels. Mrs. Mechlio, you can pro-ing, won't vouchsafe you a nod ? nounce it better than me.
2. Fun. No. Mrs. Vech. Lady Sacharissa Mackirkincrof:. 1. Fun. Can you be blind at her bidding, run
2. Fun. Kirkincroft! there are a mouthful of at ber sending, come at her calling, dine by yoursyllables for you! Lineally descended from Her-self when she has bettermost company, cules Alexander Charlemagne Hannibal, Earl of six nights a-week in the garret? Glendower, prinie minister to King Malcolin I. 2. Fun. No.
J. Fun. And are all the parties agreed? I. Fun. Why, will you dare to disobey, have 2. Fun. I can't say quite all; for the right ho- | the impudence to dispute the sovereign will and Rourable peer, that is to be my papa, (who, by pleasure of a lady like her? the bv, is as proud as the devil) has flatly renoun- 2. Fun. Ay, marry will I. ced the alliance ; calls me here in his letter Ple- I. Fun. And don't you expect a whole clan of beian; and says, if we have any children, they Andrew Ferraras, with their naked points at will turn out very little better than pye-balds.
your throat? I. Fun. And isbat does the gentlewoman say? 2. Fun. No.
2. Fun. The gentlewoman! Oh, the gentle- I. Fun. Then you don't know half you will woman, who (between ourselves) is pretty near have to go through. as high as her father-but, however, my person 2. Fun. Look you, brother, I know what you lias proved too hard for her pride, and I take the would be at; you don't mean I should marry at affair to be as good as concluded.
all. I. Fun. It is resolved ?
1. Fun. Indeed, brother Zachary, you wrong 2. Fun. Fixed.
me; I should, with pleasure see you equally 1. Fun. I am sorry for it.
matched, that is, to one of your own rank and 2. Fun. Why so ? Come, come, brother Isaac condition. dou't be uncasy; I have a shrewd guess at your 2. Fun. You would? I don't doubt it; but grievance: but though you may not be suffered that is a pleasure you never will bave. Look to see Lady Scracarissa at first, yet who knows you, Isaac, I have made up my mind; it is a labefore long, I may have interest enough with her dy I like, and a lady I will have; and, if you to bring it about? and, in the mean time, you say any more, I'll not be contented with that, may dine when you will with the steward.
for, dainme, I will marry a duchess ! 1. Fun. You are exceedingly kind.
Enter LA FLEUR. 2. Fun. Mrs. Mechlin, you don't think my lady will gainsay it?
La Fleur. Le maitre pour donner d'eloquence. VIrs. Mech. By no means; it is wonderful, 2. Fun. What does the puppy say, Mrs. considering her rank, bow mild and condescend- Mechlin ? for, you know, I can't parle vous. ing she is : why, but yesterday, says her ladyship MIrs. Mech. The gentleman from the city, that to me, though, Mrs. Mechlin, it can't be supposed is to make you a speaker. that I should admit any of the Fungus into my 2. Fun. Odzooks! a special fine fellow! let's presence
have him. 2. Fun. No, no, to be sure; not at first, as I Mrs. Mech. Faites les entres. said.
[Erit La Fleur. Mrs. Mech. Yet his brother, or any other re- I. Fun. Brother, as you are busy, I will take lation, may dine with the servants every day. another
2. Fun. Do you hear, Isaac? there's your 2. Fun. No, no, this is the finest fellow of true, inherent nobility, só humble and affable ! all; it is be that is to make me a man; and but people of real rank never have any pride ; barkye, brother? if I shou'd chance to rise in the that is only for upstarts.
state, no more words—your business is done. 1. Fun. Wonderfully gracions ! but here, bro- I. Fun. What! I reckon some member of ther Zac, you mistake me: it is not for myself I parliament?
2. Fun. A member ! Lord help you, brother 2. Fun. Whorn then?
Isaac! this man is a whole senate hinselt. Why, ... Fun. For you. Don't you think that your it is the famous orationer that has published the wife will despise you?
book. 2. Fun. No.
1. Fun. What! Mr. Gruel? 1. Fun. Can you suppose that you will live 2. Fun. The same. together a month?
I. Fun. Yes, I have seen his name in the 2. Fun. Yes.
1. Fun. Why, can you bear to walk about 2. Fun. His knowledge is wonderful: he has your own house like a paltry dependant ? told me such secrets ! why, do you kuow, Isaac, 2. Fun. No.
by what means 'tis we speak?
I. Fun. Speak! why, we speak with our Gruel. Observe how altered by means of my mouths,
art ! are you prepared in the speech on the great 2. Fun. No, we don't.
importance of trade? I. Fun, No!
2. Fun. Pretty well, I believe. 2. Fun. No, he says we speak by means of Gruel. Let your gesticulations be chaste, and the tongue, the teeth, and the throat; and, with your muscular movements consistent. out them, we should only bellow.
2. Fun, Never fear I. Fun. But surely the mouth2. Fun. The mouth, I tell you, is little or no
Enter JENNY und whispers Mrs. Mecilix. thing; only just a cavity for the air to pass
Mrs. Mecklin, you'll stay? through.
Mrs. Mech. A little business; I'll return in an I. Fun. Indeed!
[Erit Mrs. Meca. 2. Fun. That's all; and when the cavity
Gruel. A little here to the left, if you please, is small, little sounds will come out; when sir; there you will only catch the profile-that's large, the great ones proceed: observe, now in right--now you will have the full force of his whistling and bawling-[Whistles and bawls.] – face; one, two, three ; now, off you go! Do you see? Oh, he is a miracul jus man?
2. Fun. When I consider the vast importance I. Fun. But of what use is all this?
of this day's debate; when I revolve the various 2. Fun. But 'tis knowledge, an't it? And vicissitudes that this soil has sustained; when I of what signification is that, you fool ? And ponder what our painted progenitors were, and then as to use, why, he can make me speak in what we, their civilized successors, are : when a manner he pleases; as a lawyer, a merchant, I reflect, that they fed on crab apples and
chesnuts a country gentleinan ; whatever the subject requires—But here he is.
Gruel. Pignuts, good sir, if you please.
2. Fun. You are right---crab apples and piga Enter Mr. Gruel.
nuts; and that we feast oo green pease and on
custards : when I trace, in the recording historiMr. Gruel, your servant; I have been holding cal page, that their floods gave them nothing but forth in your praise.
froys, and now know we have fish by land-carGruel. I make no doubt, Mr. Fungus; but to riage, I am lost in amazement at the prodigious your declamation or recitation (as Quintilian power of commerce. Ilail, commerce ! daughmore properly terms it), I shall be indebted for ter of industry, consort to credit, parent of opuinuch future praise, inasmuch as the reputation lence, full sister to liberty, and great grandmother of the scholar does (as I may say) confer or ra- to the art of navigationther, as it were, reflect a marvellous kind of lus
I. Fun. Why, this gentlewoman bas a peditre on the fame of the master himself. 2. Fun. There, Isaac, didst ever hear the gree as long as your wife's brother Zac !
2. Fun. Pr’ythee, Isaac, be quiet; art of navilike? He talks just as if it were all out of a gation-a-a-vigitation—Zooks, that fellow book : What would you give to be able to utter has put me quite out! such words.
Gruel. It matters not; this day's performance I. Fun. And what should I do with them ? has largely fulfilled your yesterday's promise. Them holiday terms would not pass in my shop; 2. Fun. But I han't half done, the best is to there's no buying and selling with them. Gruel. Your observation is pithy and per-turn-pegs
come; let me just give him that part about
-for the sloughs, the mires, the tinent. Different stations, different idioms de- ruts, the impassible bogs, ihat the languid, but mand; polished periods accord ill with the generous steed travelled through; he now pricks mouths of inechanics; but as that tribe is per- up his ears, he neighs, he canters, he capers mitted to circulate a baser kind of coin, for the through a whole region of turn-pegs. ease and convenience of inferior traffick, so it is
Enter MRS. MECELIN, indulged with a vernacular or vitious vulgar phraseology, to carry on their interlocutory com- Mrs. Mech. Your riding-master is below. inerce. But I doubt, sir, I soar above the region 2. Fun. Gadso! then here must end.of your comprehension?
You'll pardon me, good Mr. Gruel; for as İ. Fun. Wiry, if you would come down a step want to be a finished gentleman as soon as or two, I can't say but I should understand you can, it is impossible for me to stick long to any the better.
one thing. 8. Fun. And I too.
Gruel. Sir, though your exit is rather abrupt; Gruel. Then to the familiar I fall : If the gen- yet the multiplicity of your avocations do (as I tleman has any ambition to shine at a vestry, a inay say) in some measure cicatrize the otherwise common-hall, or even a convivial club, I can mortal wound on this occasion sustained by desupply him with ample materials. 1. Fun. No, I have no such desire.
2. Fun. Cicatrize! I could hear him all day. Gruel. Not to lose time-your brother here He is a wonderful man! Well, Mr. Gruel, to(for such I find the gentleman is), in other re- morrow we will at it again. spects a common man like yourself
Gruel. You will find ine prompt at your 2. Fun. No better.
2. Fun. I wish, brother Isaac, I could have
Enter Dr. Catgut. staid ; you should have heard ine oration away, like a lawyer, about pleadings and presidents ;
Dr. Cat. Madam Mechlin, your humble. I but all in good time [Erit Ż. Fungus. have madam, received a couple of compliments
Mrs. Mech. This gentleman, sir, will gain from your mansion this morning ; one I find you vast credit.
from a lodger of yours; the other, I presume, Gruel. Yes, madam, the capabilities of the from your niece'; but for the last, I rather supá gentleman, I confess, are enorinous; and as to pose I am indebted to you. you I am indebted for this promising pupil, you
Mrs. Mlech. Me! Indeed, doctor, you are will permit me to expuge the obligatior.' by an widely mistaken : I assure you, since your busiinstantaneous and gratis lecture on that species ness broke out, I have never set eyes of her of eloquence peculiar to ladies.
Mrs. Mech. Oh, sir, I have no sort of occa- Dr. Cat. Then I am falsely informed. sion.
Mrs. Mech. But after all you must own it is Gruel. As to that biped, man (for such I de- but what you deserve : I wonder, doctor, you sign him to be), a male or masculine manner be don't leave of these tricks. loog
Dr. Cat. Why, what can I do, Mrs. Mechlin? Mrs. Mech. Any other time, good Mr. Gruel. My constitution requires it. Gruel. So, to that biped, woman, slie parti
Mrs. Mech. Indeed! I should not have cipating of his general nature, the word homo, in thought it. Latin, being promiscuously used as womai, or
Dr. Cat. Then the dear little devils are so
desperately fond. Mrs. Mech. For Heaven's sake.
Mrs. Miech. Without doubt. Gruel. But being cast in a more tender and Dr. Cat. And for frulic, Airtation, diligence, delicate mould
dress, and address. Mrs. Jech. Sir, I have twenty people in wait
Mrs. Mech. To be sure. ing
Dr Cat. For what you call genuine gallantry, Gruel. The soft suppliant, insinuating gra- few men, I fatter myself, will be found that can
match me. Mrs. Mech. I must insist
Mrs. Mech. Oh, that a point given up. Gruel. Do appertain (as I may say) in a more
Dr. Cat. Harkye, Molly Mechlin; let me pepeculiar or particular manner.
rish, child, you look divinely to-day. Mrs. Jech. Nay then
Mrs. Mech. Indeed ! Gruel. Her rank in the order of entities- Dr. Cat. But that I have two or three affairs
Mrs. Miech. I must thrust you out of my on my hands, i should be positively tempted to house.
trife with thee a little. Gruel. Not calling her forth
Mis. Mech. Ay, but doctor, consider I am Mrs. Mech. Was there ever such a
not of a trifling age; it would be only losing [Pushing him out. your time.
Dr. Cat. Ha, so ccy ! But a-propos, Molly, Enter Gruel.
this lodger of yours; who iş he, and what does Gruel. To those eminent, hazardous, and (as he want? I may say) perilous conflicts which so often.- Alrs. Mech. You have heard of the great
Mrs. Blech. Get down stairs, and be hanged Mr. Fungus. to you !-(Pushes him out).— There he goes as I
Dr. Cat. Well ! Jivé, from the top to the bottom ! I hope I han't Mrs. Mech. Being informed of your skill and done him a mischief: you ar'o't hurt, Mr. Gruel? abilities, he has sept for you to teach bim to No, all's safe; I hear himn going on with his sing: specch; an impertinent puppy!
Dr. Cat. Me teach him to sing ! What, does 1. Fun. Impertinent indeed ; I wonder all the scoundrel mean to affront me? those people don't turn your head, Mrs. Mech
Mrs. Mech. Affront you ! lia.
Dr. Cat. Why, don't you know, child, that I Mrs. Mech. Oh, I am pretty well used to have quitted that paltry profession? them. But who comes here? Mr. Isaac, if you
Mrs. Jech Not I. will step into the next room, I have someting to
Dr. Cat. Oh,entirely renounced it. communicate that well deserves your attention.
Mrs. Mech. Then what may you follow at ]Èxit I. Funous, present ?
Dr. Cat. Me! nothing ; I am a poct my Enter Simon.
dear., Sim. Dr. Catgut at the foot of the stairs. Mrs. Mech. A poet!
Mrs. Jech. The devil he is ! What can bave Dr. Cat. A poet. The muses; you know I brought bup at this time of day? Watch, Simon, was always fond of the ladies.. I suppose you that body comes up whilst he is here :-[ Exit have heard of Shakspeare, and Shadwell, of Simon.}-i hope he has not heard of the pretty Tom Brown, and of Milton and Hudibrass ? present we sent him to day.
Mrs. Mech. I have.
Dr. Cat. I shall blast all their laurels, by Gad!, sirous to learn all kinds of things, I can't help I have just given the public a taste, but there's a thinking but he will take a fancy to this. belly-full for them in my larder at home. Dr. Cat. In that case, he may command me,
Mrs. Mech. Upon my word, you surprise my dear; and I promise you, in a couple of me ; but pray, is poetry a trade to be learned ? .nonths, he shall know as much of the matter as
Dr. Cat. Doubtless. Capital as I am, I have I do. not acquired it above a couple of years.
Mrs. Mech. At present he is a little engaged ; Mrs. Mech. And could you communicate but as soon as the honey moon is overyour art to another?
Dr. Cat. Honey moon! Why, is he going to Dr. Cut. To be sure. Why I have here in my be married ? pocket, my dear, a whole folio of rhymes, from Mrs. Mech. This evening I fancy. 2 quite to great A. Let us see ; A, ay, here it Dr. Cat. The finest opportunity in nature for begins, A, ass, pass, grass, mass, lass; and so an introduction : I have by me, ma'am Mechlin, quite through the alphabet down to 2. Zounds, of my own composition, such an epithalmium-! grounds, mounds, pounds, hounds.
Mrs. Mech. Thalmium, what's that? Mrs. Mech. And what do you do with those Dr. Cat. A kind of an elegy, that we poets rhymes ?
compose in the solemnization of weddings. Dr. Cat, Oh, we supply them!
Mrs. Mech. Oh, bo! Mrs. Mech. Supply them.
Dr. Cat. It is set to music already, for I still Dr. Cat. Ay! fill them up, as I will show compose for myself. you. Last weck, in a ramble to Dulwich, I made Mrs. Mech.' You do! these rhymes into a duet for a new comic opera Dr. Cat. What think you, now, of providing I have on the stocks. Mind, for I look upon the a band, and serenading the 'squire to-night: It words as a model for that sort of writing.
will be a pretty extempore compliment. First, she:
Mrs. Mech. The prettiest thought in the world.
But I hear Mr. Fungus's bell. You'll excuse me, There to see the sluggish ass,
dear doctor : you may suppose we are busy. Thro' the meadows as we pass,
Dr. Cat. No apology then ; I'll about it this Eating up the fariner's grass,
instant, Blyth and merry by the mass,
Mrs. Mech. As soon as you please. Any As a lively country lass.
thing to get you out of the way.
[dside, and erit. Mrs. Mech. Very pretty !
Dr. Cat. Your obsequious, good madam Dr. Cat. A’n't it? then he replies :
Mechlin. But notwithstanding all your fine
speeches, I shrewdly suspect iny blessed barHear the Farmer cry out, Zounds : gain at home was a present from you; and what As he trudges through the grounds, shall I do with it? These little embarrasses Yonder beast bas broke my mounds; we men of intrigue are eteroally subject to.If the parish has no pounds,
There will be no sending it back; she will never Kill, and give him to the hounds. let it enter the house-Hey, gad! a lucky
thought is come into my head-inis serenade is Then da capo, both join in repeating the last finely contrived-Madam Mechlin shall beve stanza; and this tacked to a tolerable tune, her cousin again, for I will return her byewill run you for a couple of months. You ob- blow in the body of a double base viol; so serve ?
the bawd shall hare a concert as well as the Mrs. Mech. Clearly ; as our gentleman is de- | 'squire. —
[Exit Dr. CATGUT.
SCENE I.-Mrs. Mechlin's House. Young Love. I did. Enter HARPY, Young Loveit, and Jenny.
Har. And Robin Rainbow, the happy hus
band of the widow Champansy, from the Isle of Har. Tell your mistress my name is Harpy; St. Kitts. she knows me, and how precious my time is. Young Love. I have seen him. Jen. Mr. Harpy, the Attorney of Furnival's Jun? Har. All owing to her. Her success in that
Har. The same. [Erit Jenny.) Ay, ay, branch of business is wonderful! Why I dare young gentleman, this is your womnan ; I warrant believe since last summer, she has not sent off your business is done. You knew Kitty Wil- less than forty couple to Edinburgh. sams. that married Mr. Abednego Potipliar, the Young Love. Indeed! she must be very adJew-broker?