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Bruin. And who the devil doubts it? You Bruin. Now for it, Sneak, the enemy's at women folks are easily pleased.
hand! Mrs. Bruin Well, I like it so well, that I Sneak. You promise to stand by me, brother hope to see one every year.
Bruin? Bruin. Do you? why, then, you will be Bruin. Tooth and nail. damnably bit! you may take your leave, I can Sneak. Then now for it! I am ready, let her tell you : for this is the last you shall sce. come when she will.
Sir Jac. Fie, Mr. Bruin! how can you be such a bear? Is that a manner of treating your
Enter MRS. SNEAK. wife?
Mrs. Sneak. Where is the puppy? Bruin. What, I suppose you would have me Sneak. Yes, yes; she is axing for me. such a snivelling sot as your son-in-law Sneak, Mrs. Sneak. So, sot! what, is this true that I to truckle and cringe, to fetch and to
Sneak. May be 'tis, may be 'tant: I don't Enter Sneak in a violent hurry.
choose to trust my affairs with a voman. Is that
right, brother Bruin? Sneak. Where's brother Bruin ! O Lord, bro- Bruin. Fine ! don't bate her an inch. ther, I have such a dismal story to tell you !
Sneak. Stand by me. Bruin. What's the matter?
Mrs. Sneak. Hey-day! I am amazed ! Why, Sneak. Why, you know I went into the garden what is the meaning of this ? to look for my vife and the major, and there I Sneak. The meaning is plain, that I am grown hunted and hunted as sharp as if it had been for a man, and vil do what I please, without being one of my own minickens? but the deuce a accountable to nobody. major or madam could I see: at last a thought Mrs. Sneak. Why, the fellow is surely became into my head, to look for them up in the witched ! suminer-house.
Sneak. No, I am unwitched, and that you Bruin, And there you found them?
shall know to your cost; and since you provoke Sneak. I'll tell you: the door was locked; and me, I will tell you a bit of my mind: what, I am then I looked through the key-hole; and there, the husband, I hope? Lord a mercy upon us !--[Whispers.}-as sure Bruin. That's right; at her again! as a gun!
Sneak. Yes; and you shant think to hector Bruin. Indeed ! Zounds, why did not you and domineer over me as you have done; for break open the door?
I'll go to the club when I please, and stay out as Sneak. I durst not: What, would you have late as I list, and row in a boat to Putney on me set iny wit to a soldier? I' warrant the ma- Sundays, and wisit my friends at Vitsonside, and jor would have knocked me down with one of keep the key of the till, and help myself at table his boots; for I could see they were both of to what wittles I like; and I'll have a bit of the them off.
brown. Bruin. Very well ! Pretty doings! You see, Bruin. Bravo, brother! Sneak, the day's your Sir Jacob, these are the fruits of indulgence own! You may call me bear, but your daughter shall Sneak. An't it! Vhy, I did not think it vas in never make me a beast.
[ Mob huzzas. me: shall I tell her all I know? Sir Jac. Hey-day! What is the election over Bruin. Every thing; you see she is struck already?
Sneak. As an oyster. Besides, madam, I have Enter CRISPIN, &c.
something furder to tell you : ecod, if some folks
go into gardens with majors, mayhap other peoHeel. Where is Master Sneak?
ple may go into garrets with maids-- There, I Sneak. Here, Crispin.
gave it her home, brother Bruin. Heel. The ancient corporation of Garratt, in Mrs. Sneak. Why, doodle, jackanapes, hark'ye, consideration of your great parts and abilities, who am I? and out of respect to their landlord Sir Jacob, Sneak. Come, don't go to call names: Am I! have unanimously chosen you inayor.
vhy, my wife, and I your master. Sneak. Me! Huzza! Good Lord! who would Mrs. Sneak. My master ! you paultry, pudhave thought it? But how came Mr. Primmer to dling puppy; you sneaking, shabby, scrubby, lose it?
snivelling whelp! Heel. Why, Phill Fleam had told the electors, Sneak. Brother Bruin, don't let her come near that Master Primmer was an Irishman; and so me! they would none of them give their vote for a Mrs. Sneak. Have I, sirrah, demeaned myself foreigner.
to wed such a thing, such a reptile as thee! have Sneak. So, then, I have it for certain ! huzza ! I not made myself a by-word to all my acquaintnow, brother Bruin, you shall see how I'll manage ance! don't all the world cry, Lord, who would my madam: Gad, I'll make her know I am a have thought Miss Molly Jollup to be married man of authority: she shan't think to bullock to Sneak!' to take up at last with such a noodle and domineer over me.
Sneak. Ay, and glad enough you could catch Maj. Box! Box! Blades, bullets, Bagsbot ; me: You know you was pretty near your last Mrs. Sneak. Not for the world, my dear me legs.
jor! O risk not so precious a life! Ungrateful Mrs. Sneak. Was there ever such a confident wretches! And is this the reward for all the car? My last legs! Why, all the country knows, great feats he has done? After all his marchI could have picked and choosed where I would: ings, his sousings, bis sweatings, his swimdid not I refuse squire Ap-Griffith from Wales ? | mings; must bis dear blood be spilt by a broDid not counsellor Crab come a-courting a ker? twelvemonth? Did not Mr. Wort, the great Maj. Be satisfied, sweet Mrs. Sneak; these brewer of Brentford, make an offer that I should little fracases we soldiers are subject to; trifles, keep my post-chay?
bagatailes, Mrs. Sneak. But that matters may Sneak. Nay, brother Bruin, she has had wery be conducted in a military manner, I will get our good proffers, that is certain.
chaplain to pen me a challenge. Expect to bear Mrs. Sneak. My last legs! But I can rein my from my adjutant. passion no longer; let me get at the villain. Mrs. Sneak. Major ! Sir Jacob! what, are you Bruin. O fie, sister Sneak!
all leagued against his deara man! Yes; . Sneak. Hold her fast.
very manly action indeed, to set married people Mrs. Sneak. Mr. Bruin, unhand me! what, it a quarrelling, and ferment a difference between is you that have stirred up these coals, then? He husband and wife: if you were a man, you would is set on by yon to abuse me?
not stand by and see a poor woman beat and Bruin. Not I; I would only have a man to abused by a brute, you would not. behave like a man.
Sneak. Oh, Lord, I can hold out no longer ! Mrs. Sneak. What, and are you to teach him, why, brother Bruin, you have set her a veeping: I warrant?—but here comes the major. my life, my lovy, don't veep: did I ever think I
should have made my Molly veep! Enter MAJOR STURGEON.
Mrs. Sneak. Last legs, you lubberly Oh major! Such a riot and rumpus! Like a man
[Sirikes him. indeed! I wish people would mind their own af- Sir Jac. Oh fie, Molly! fairs, and not meddle with matters that does not Mrs. Sneak. What, are you leagued against concern them; but all in good time; I shall one me, Sir Jacob? day catch him alone, when he has not his bullies Sir Jac. Pr’ythee, don't expose yourself before to back him.
the whole parish. But what has been the occaSneak. Adod, that's true, brother Bruin ; what sion of this? shall I do when she has me at home, and nobody Mrs. Sneak. Why, has not he gone and made by but ourselves?
himself the fool of the fair? Mayor of Garratt Bruin. If you get her once under, you may do indeed ! Ecod, I could trample' him under my with her whatever you will.
feet. Maj. Look’ye, Master Bruin, I don't know Sneak. Nay, why should you grudge me my how this behaviour may suit with a citizen; but purfarment? were you an officer, and Major Sturgeon upon Mrs. Sneak. Did you ever hear such an oaf? your court-martial
Why, thee wilt be pointed at wherever thee Bruin. What then ?
goest, Look'ye, Jerry, mind what I say; go, get Maj. Then! why, then you would be broke. 'em io choose somebody else, or never come Bruin. Broke! and for what?
near me again. Maj. What? read the articles of war : but Srieak. What shall I do, father Sir Jacob? these things are out of your spear; points of Sir Jac. Nay, daughter, you take this thing in honour are for the sons of the sword.
too serious a light; my honest neighbours Sneak. Honour! If you come to that, where thought to compliment me: but come, we'll setwas your honour when you got my vife in the tle the business at once. Neighbours, my son garden?
Sneak being seldom amongst us, the duty will Maj. Now, Sir Jacob, this is the curse of your never be done : so we will get our honest friend cloth: all suspected for the faults of a few. Heel-tap to execute the office: he is, I think,
Sneak. Ay, and not without reason : I heard every way qualified. of your tricks at the king of Bohemy, when you Mob. A Heel-tap! was campaining about; I did. Father Sir Ja- Heel. What d'ye mean? As Master Jeremy's cob, he is as wicious as an old ram.
deputy? Maj. Stop whilst you are safe, Master Sneak: Sir Jac. Ay, ay; bis locum tenens. for the sake of your amiable lady, I pardon what Sneuk. Do, Crispin; do, be my locum tenens. is past-But for you
Heel. Give me your hand, Master Sneak; and Bruin. Well!
to oblige you, I will be the locum tenens. Maj. Dread the whole force of
Sir Jac. So, that is settled: but now to heal Bruin. Why, look’ye, Major Sturgeon, I don't the other breach: Come, major, the gentlemen, much care for your poppers and sharps, because of your cloth seldom bear malice ; let me interwhy, they are oật of my way; but if you will doff pose between you and my son. with your boots, and box a couple of boutsman! Maj. Your son-in-law. Sir Jacob, docs deserve
a castigation; but on recollection, a cit would , vhy, then, my locum tenens and I will jig togebut sully my arms. I forgive him.
ther.-Forget and forgive, major. Sir Jac. That's right: as a token of amity, and Maj. Freely. to celebrate our feast, let us call in the fiddles.
Nor be it said, that after all my toil, Now, if the major had but his shoes, he might
I stained my regimentals by a broil. join in a country dance.
To you I dedicate boots, sword, and Maj. Sir Jacob, no shoes; a major must be
shield. never out of his boots ; always ready for action. Sir Juc. As harmles in the chamber as the Mrs. Sneak will find me lightsome enough.
field, Sneak. What, are all the vomen engaged?
SCENE 1.- The Street,
Young. That's true ; but the figures are all fi
nished alıke. A muniere, a tiresowe sameness Enter BEVER and YOUNGER.
throughout. Young. No, Dick, you must pardon me. Bev. There you will excuse me; I am sure Bev. Nay, but to satisfy your curiosity. there is no want of Variety. Young. I tell you, I have not a jot.
Young. No! then let us have a detail. Come, Bev. Why, then, to gratify me.
a bill of the play. Young. At rather too great an expense. Bev. First, you know, there's Juliet's uncle.
Bev. To a fellow of your observation and turn, Young. What, Sir Thomas Lofty ! the modern I should think, now, such a scene a most delicaie Midas, or, rather (as fifty dedications will tell treat.
you), the Pollio, the Atticus, the patron of geYoung: Delicate! Palling, nauseous, to a nius, the protector of arts, the paragon of poets, dreadful degree. To a lover, indeed, the charms decider of merit, chief justice of taste, and sworn of the niece inay palliate the uncle's fulsome for- appraiser to Apollo and the tuneful
Nine. Ha, mality.
ha! Oh, the tedious, iusipid, insufferable corBev. The uncle ! ay; but then, you know, he comb! is only one of the group.
Beo, Nay, now, Frank, you are too extrava- Sir Pet. Matter! why, I am invited to dinner gant. He is universally allowed to have taste, on a barbicu, and the villains have forgot my sharp-judging Adriel, the muse's friend, himself bottle of chian.
Young. Unpardonable. Young. Taste ! by whom? underling bards Sir Pet. Ay, this country has spoiled them; that he feeds, and broken booksellers that he this same christening will ruin the colonies. bribes. Look ye, Dick; what raptures you please Well, dear Bever, rare news, boy ! our fleet is when Miss Lofty is your theme, but expect no arrived from the West. quarter for the rest of the family. I tell thee, Bev. It is? once for all, Lofty is a rank impostor, the Bufo Sir Pet. Ay, lad, and a glorious cargo of turof an illiberal, mercenary tribe; he has neither tle! It was lucky I went to Brighthelmstone; I genius to create, judgment to distinguish, nor nicked the time to a hair; thin as a lath, and a generosity to reward; his wealth has gained him stomach as sharp as a shark's : never was in Aattery from the indigent, and the haughty inso- finer condition for feeding. lence of his pretence, admiration from the igno- Bev. Have you a large importation, Sir Peter? raat. Viola le portrait de votre oncle ! Now Sir Pet. Nine; but seven in excellent order: on to the next.
the captain assures me they greatly gained Bev. The ingenious and erudite Mr. Rust. ground on the
voyage. Young. What, old Martin the medal-Monger? Beo. How do you dispose of them? Bed. The same, and my rival in Juliet.
Sir Pet. Four to Cornhill, three to Almack's, Young. Rival ! what, Rust? why, she's too and the two sickly ones I shall send to my bomodern for him, by a couple of centuries. Mar- rough in Yorkshire. tin! why he likes no heads but upon coins. Young. Ay! what, have the provincials a reMarried! the mummy! Why, 'tis not above a lish for turtle ? fortnight ago, that I saw him making love to the Sir Pet. Sir, it is amazing how this country figure without a nose in Somerset-gardens: 1 improves in turtle and turnpikes; to which (give caught him stroaking the marble plaits of her me leave to say, we, fronı our part of the world, gown, and asked him if lie was not ashamed to have not a little contributed. 'Why, formerly, take such liberties with ladies in public? sir, a brace of bucks on the mayor's annual day
Bed. What an inconstant old scoundrel it is! was thought a pretty moderate blessing. But,
Young. Oh, a Dorimont. But how came this we, sir, have polished their palates : Why, sir, about! what could occasion the change? was it not the meanest member in my corporation but in the power of flesh and blood to seduce this can distinguish the pash from the pee. adorer of virtù from his marble and porphyry? Young. Indeed !
Beo. Juliet has done it; and, what will sur- Sir Pet. Ay, and sever the green from the prise you, bis taste was a bawd to the business. shell with the skill of the ablest anatomist. Young. Prythee explain.
Young. And are they fond of it? Bed. Juliet met him last week at her uncle's: Sir Pet. Oh, that the consumption will tell he was a little pleased with the Greek of her you. The stated allowance is six pounds to an profile ; but, on a closer inquiry, he found the aldermen, and five to each of their wives. turn-up of her nose to exactly resemble the bust Beo. A plentiful provision. of the princess Pompæa.
Sir Pet. But there was never known any Young. The chaste moiety of the amiable waste. The mayor, recorder, and rector, are Nero?
permitted to eat as much as they please. Beo. The same.
Young. The entertainment is pretty expenYoung. Oh, the deuce ! then your business sive was done in an instant ?
Sir Pet. Land-carriage and all. But I conBed. Immediately. In favour of the tip, he trived to smuggle the last that I sent them. offered carte blanche for the rest of the figure; Beo. Smuggle! I don't understand you. which, as you may suppose, was instantly Sir Pet. Why, sir, the rascally coachman had caught at.
always charged me five pounds for the carriage. Young. Doubtless. But who have we here? Damned dear! Now, my cook going at the same
Ben. This is one of Lofty's companions, a time into the country, I made him clap a capuWest Indian, of an overgrown fortune. He chin upon the turtle, and for thirty shillings saves me the trouble of a portrait. This is Sir put him an inside passenger in the Doncaster Peter Pepperpot.
Young. A happy expedient! Enter: Sie Peter PEPPERPOT, and two Blacks.
Bev. Oh, Sir Peter has infinite humour.
Sir Pet. Yes: but the frolic bad like to have Sir Pet. Careless scoundrels! hark'e, rascals! proved fatal. I'll banish you home you dogs! you shall back, Young. How so? and broil in the sun. 'Mr. Bever, your humble! Sir Pet. The maid at the Rummer, at HatSir, I am your entirely devoted.
field popped' her head into the coach, to know Beo. You seem noved! what has been the if the company would have any breakfast: ecod, matter, Sir Peter.
the turtle, sir, laid hold of her nose, and slapped