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Slaugh. Sir, I declare it, at the bare hearing of Catch. I get up to the point of law. And this here motion, I am all over in a sweat. For though, sir, I am bred to the business, I can't say my part, I can't think what gentlemen menu by I am. prepared for this question. But though talking in that there manner; not but I likes this usquebaugh, as a dram, may not (by name) that every man should deliver his mind; I does be subject to a duty, yet it is my opinion, or ramine; it has been ever iny way; and when a ther belief, it will be considered, as in the case member opposes me, I like him the better for of horses, to come under the article of dried it; its right; I am pleased; he can't please me goods. But I move, that another day this point more; it is as it should be; and though I differ be debated. from the honourable gentleman in the flannel Slaugh. I second tbe motion. night-cap over the way, yet I am pleased to [CATCHPOLE gives a puper to the President. hear him say what he thinks; for, sir, as I said, who reads it.) it is always my rule to say what I think, right Pre. Here your motion. or wrong. [A loud laugh.] Ay, ay, gentlemen * That it be debuted next Thursday, Whether you may laugh; with all my heart, I am used the dram, usquebaugh, is subject to a particular to it, I don't mind it a farthing: but, sir, with re- duty; or, as the case of horses, to be considergard to that there motion, I entirely agree with ed under the article of dried goods ? my worthy friend with the pewter pot at his All. Agreed, agreed ! mouth. Now, sir, I would fain ask any gentle- Foote. And now, ladies and gentlemen, having man this here question : Can any thing in na produced to you glaring proofs of our great ability ture be more natural for an Englishman than in every species of oratory; having manifested, porter? I declare, Mr. President, I think it the in the persons of our pupils, our infinite address most wholesoniest liquor in the world. But if in conveying our knowledge to others, we shall it must be a change, let us change it for rum, a close our morning's lecture, instituted for the wholesome palatable liquor, a liquor that—in public good, with a proposal for the particular short, Mr. President, I don't know such a liquor. improvement of individuals. We are ready to Ay, gentlemen may stare : I say, and I say it give private instructions to any reverend gentleupon my conscience, I don't know such a liquor. man, in his probationary sermon for the lecture Besides, I think there is in this here affair, a ship! to young barristers who have causes to point of law, which I shall leave to the consi- open, or motions to make; to all candidates for deration of the learned; and for that there rea- the sock or buskin; or to the new members of son, I shall take up no more of your time. any of those oratorical societies, with which this
(He sits down, CATCHPOLE gets up. metropolis is at present so plentifully stocked. Pre. Mr. Catchpole.
SCENE I.—Sir Jacob's house at Garratt. Rog. Safe, Sir Jacob.
Sir Jac. And the plate and spoons in the Enter SIR JACOB.
pantry? Sir Jac. Roger !
Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob.
Sir Jac. Then give me the key : the mob will Enter ROGER.
soon be upon us : and all is fish that comes to Rog. Anan, sir?
their net. Has Ralph laid the cloth in the hall? Sir Jac. Sir, sirrah! and why not Sir Jacob, Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. you rascal? Is that all your manners? Has his Sir
Jac. Then let him bring out the turkey and Majesty dubbed me a knight for you to make chine, and be sure there is plenty of mustard; me a mister? Are the candidates near upon and d'ye hear, Roger? do you stand yourself at coming ?
the gate, and be careful who you let in. Rog. Nic Goose, the tailor from Putney, they Rog. I will, Sir Jacob. [Erit ROGER. say, will be here in a crack, Sir Jacob.
Sir Jac. So, now I believe things are pretty Sir Jac. Has Margery fetched in the linen? secure; but I can't think what makes my Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob.
daughters so late are theySir Jac. Are the pigs and the poultry locked
(Knocking at the gate. up in the barn?
Who is that, Roger?
Rog. [Without.] Master Lint, the potter-car
Roger brings the News. rier, Sir Jacob.
Sör Jac. Let him in. What the deuce can he Sir Jac. Liars! Here, look at the list of their want?
The oath of Margery Squab, of RatcliffEnter LINT.
Lint. Perjurios. Sir Jac. Well, Master Lint, your will? Sir Jac. And see here, the churchwardens bave
Lint. Why, I come, Sir Jacob, partly to in- signed it. quire after your health, and partly, as I may say, Lint. Fictitious, Sir Jacob ! to settle the business of the day.
Sir Juc. Sworn, before the worshipful Mr. Sir Jac. What business?
Justice Drowsy, this thirteenth day ofLint. Your worship knoweth, this being the Lint. Forgery! day of election, the rabble may be riotous; in Sir Juc. Why, harkye, sirrah, do you think which case, maims, bruises, contusions, disloca- Mr. Justice Drowsy would set his hand to a tions, fractures simple and compound, may likely forgery? posue: now, your worship need not be told, that Lint. I know, Sir Jacob, that woman; she I am not only a pharmacopolist, or vender of has been cured of fifty diseases in a fortnight, drugs, but likewise chirurgeon, or healer of and every one of them mortal. wounds.
Sir Jac. You impudent
Sir Jac. Audacious-
Lint. A palsy, by Walker
Sir Jac. Impertinent
Sir Jac. Insolent-
Sir Jac. Paltrythe great: but this musi be a separate charge. Lint. And squinting by the Chevalier Tay
Sir Jac. No, no; all under one; come, mas-lorter Lint, don't be unreasonable.
Sir Jac. Pill-gilding puppy! Lint. Indeed, Sir Jacob, I can hardly afford Lint. And as to the justice, so the affidavit *. What with the dearness of drugs, and the brings him a shillingnumb r of patients the peace has procured me, Sir Jac. Why, bærkye, rascal, how dare you I can't get salt to my porridge.
abuse the commission. You blood-letting, Sir Jue. Bad this yoar, better the next.-We tooth-drawing, corncutting, worm-killing, blismust take things roagh and smooth as they run. tering, ylistering
Lint. Indeed, I have a very hard bargain. Lint. Bless me, Sir Jacob, I did not think
Sir Jac. No such matter: we are, neighbour toLint, a little hetter instructed. Formerly, in- Sir Jac. What, sirrah, do you insalt me in my deed, a fit of illness was very expensive : but office ? Here, Roger, out with himn !—Turn bim Dow, physic is cheaper than food.
out! Lint. Marry, heaven forbid !
Lint. Sir, as I hope to be Sir Jac. No, no: your essences, elixirs, eme- Sir Jac. Away with him! (Erit Lint.) You tics, sweats
, drops, and your pastes, and your scoundrel, if my clerk was within, I'd send you pils, have silenced your pestles and mortars. this mstant to Bridewell. Things are come to Whiv, a fever that would formerly have cost you a pretty pass, indeed, it, after all my reading in a fortune, you may now cure for twelve penny- Wood, and Nelson, and Born; if, after twenty worth of powder.
years attendance at turnpike-meetings, sessions, Lint. Or kill, Sir Jacob.
petty and quarter; if, after settling of rates, Sir Jac. And, then, as to your scurvies, and licensing ale-houses, and committing of vagouts, reumatisms, consumptions, couglis and grants. But all respect to authority is lost, and catarrhas, tar-water and turpentine will nake you Unus Quorum, vow-a-days, is no more regarded 26 und as a roach.
than a petty constable. (Knocking] Roger, Lint. Nostrums.
see who is at the gate? Why, the fellow is deat! Sir Jac. Specifics, specifics, master Lint. Rog. Justice Sturgeon, the fishimonger, from
Lint. I am very sorry to find a man of your Brentford. worship's Sir Jacob, a promoter of puffs! an Sir Juc. Gad's my life! and major to the encourager of quacks, Sir Jacob!
Middlesex militia. Usher him in, Roger. Ser Juc. Regulars, Lint, regulars; look at their names-Roger, bring me the news--not a
Enter MAJOR STURGEON. soul of them but is oither P. L. or M. D. Lint. Plaguy liars ; murderous dogs.
Sir Jac. I could have wished you bad come a | little sooner, Major Sturgeon.
cars no more.
Maj. Why, what has been the matter, Sir Ja- y away he scoured over the heath. That gallant cob?
commander stuck both bis spurs into the flank, Sir Jac. There has, major, been here an im- and for some time held by his mane; but, in pudent pill-monger, who has dared t) scanda- crossing a ditch, the horse threw up his head, lize the whole body of the bench.
gave the major a dowse in the chops, and Maj. Insolent companion ! had I been here, plumped him into a gravel-pit, just by the powI would have mittimused the rascal at once. der-mills.
Sir Jac. No, no; he wanted the major more Sir Jar. Dreadful ! than the magistrate; a few smart strokes from Maj
. Whether from the fall or the fright, the your cane would have fully answered the pur- major moved of in a month Indeed, it was pose. --Well, major, our wars are done; the an unfortunate day for us all. rattling drum and squeaking fife now wound our Sir Jac. As how?
Maj. Why, as Captain Cucumber, Lieutenant Maj. True, Sir Jacob, our corps is disembo- Patıy-Pan, Ensign Tripe, and myself
, were redied, so the French may sleep in security. turning to town in the Turnham-Green stage, we
Sir Jac. But, major, ivas it not rather late in were stopped near the Hammersmith turnpike, life, for you, to enter upon the profession of and robbed and stripped by a footpad. arms?
Sir Jae. An unforfunate day, indeed ! Maj. A little aukward in the beginning, Sir Maj. But, in some measure, to make me Jacob': the great difficulty they had was to get amends, I got the major's commission. me to turn out my toes; but use-use reconciles Sir Jac. You did ? all them kind of things : why, after my first Maj. O yes. I was the only one of the corps campaign, I no more minded the noise of the that could ride; otherwise, we always succeeded guns than a flea-bite.
of course: no jumping over heads; no underSir Jac. No!
band work among us; all men of honour; and, Maj. -No! There is more made of these mat. I must do the regiment the justice to say, there ters than they merit. For the general good, in- never was a set of more amiable officers? deed, I am glad of the peace; but, as to my Sir Jac. Quiet and peaceable ! single self--And yet, we have had some des- Maj. As lambs, Sir Jacob. Excepting one perate duty, Sir Jacob.
boxing bout at the Three Compasses in Acton, Sir Jac. No doubt.
between Captain Sheers and the Colonel, conMaj. Oh, such marchings and counter-march- cerning a gaine at all-fours, I don't remember a ings! from Brentford to Ealing, from Ealing to single dispute. Acton, from Acton to Uxbridge: the dust fly- Sir Jac. Why, that was mere mutiny; the ing, sun scorching, men sweating-Why, there captain ought to have been broke. was our last expedition to Hounslow, that day's Maj. He was: for the colonel not only took work carried off Major Molasses. Bunhill-fields away his cockade, but his custom ; and I don't never saw a braver commander ! He was an think poor Captain Sheers has done a stitch for irreparable loss to the service.
him since. Sir Jac. How came that about?
Sir Jac. But you soon supplied the loss of MoMaj. Why, it was partly the major's own losses? fault : I advised him to pull off his spurs before Maj. In part only: no, Sir Jacob, he had great he went upon action; but he was resolute, and experience: be was trained up to arins from his would not be ruled.
youth: at sixteen he trailed a pike in the artilSir Jac. Spirit: zeal for the service.
lery-ground; at eighteen got a company in the Maj. Doubtless--But to proceed: In order Smithfield pioneers; and, by the time he was to get our men in good spirits, we were quarter-twenty, was made aid-de-camp to Sir Jeffery ed at Isleworth the evening before; at day- Grub, knight, alderman. and colonel of the yelbreak, our regiment formed at Hounslow town's low. end, as it might be about here. The major Sir Jac. A rapid rise ! made a fine disposition : on we marched, the Maj. Yes: he had a genius for war; but, men all in high spirits, to attack the gibbet what I wanted in practice, I made up by where Gardel is hanging; but, turning down a doubling my diligence. Our porter at home had narrow lane to the left, as it might be about been a serjeant of marines: so, after my shop there, in order to possess a pig's-stye, that we was shut up at night, he used to teach me my might take the gallows in flank, and, at all exercise ; and he had not to deal with a dunce, events, secure a retreat, who should come by Sir Jacob. but a drove of fat oxen for Smithfield! The Sir Jac. Your progress was great? drums beat in the front, the dogs barked in the Maj. Amazing! In a week, I could shoulder, rear, the oxen set up a gallop: on they came and rest, and poize, and turn to the right, and thundering upon us, broke through our ranks in wheel to tbe left ; and, in less than a month, I an instant, and threw the whole corps in confu- could fire without winking or blinking. sion.
Sir Jac. A perfect Hannibal ! Sir Jac. Terrible!
Maj. Ah, and then I learnt to form lines, and Maj. The major's horse took to his heels; hollows, and squares, and erolutions and reve
lution : Let me tell you, Sir Jacob, it was Sir Jac. No; poor rascals, they would not be lucky that Monsieur kept bis myrmidons at able to pay; and as to the stochs, we should hone, or we should have peppered his flat-but- never find room for their legs. tomed boats.
Maj. Pray, Sir Jacob, is Matthew MarSir Juc. Ay, marry, he had a marvellous es- row-bone, the butcher of your town, living or cape.
dead? Mej. We would a taught him what a Britain Sir Jac, Living. can do, who is tighting pro arvis and focus. Maj. And swears as much as he used? Sir Jac. Pray now, major, which do you
look Sir Jac. An altered man, major; not an oath, upon as tire best disciplined troops, the London comes out of his mouth. Tegiments, or the Middlesex inilitia?
Muj. You surprise me! why, when he freMaj. Why, Sir Jacob, it does not become me quented our town of a market-day, he has taken to say; but, lack-a-day, they have never seen out a guinea in oaths— and quite changed ? any service-Holiday soldiers! Why, I don't Sir Juc. Entirely—They say his wile has made believe, unless, indeed, upon a Lord Mayor's him a methodist, and that he preaches at Kenday, and that mere matter of'accident, that they nington Common. were ever wet to the skin in their lives!
Maj. What a deal of mischief those rascals Sir Jac Indeed !
do in the country !--Wby, then we have entireMaj. No: soldiers for sun-shinc, cocknies; ly lost him? they have not ibe appearance, the air, the free- Sir Juc. In that way; but I got a brace of dito, the Jenny sequoi that—Oh, could you but bind-overs from him last week for a couple of see me salute! You have never a spontoon in bastards. the house?
Moj. Well done, Master Matthew !- But, S.- Jac. No; but we could get a shove-pike. pray, now, Sir Jacob--
Muj. No inaiter. Well, Sir Jacob, and how ilob. [Without.] Huzza ! are your fair daughters, sweet Mrs. Sneak and
Sir Jac. What's the matter, now, Roger? the lovely Mrs. Bruin? Is she as lively and as brilliant as ever?
Enter Roger. Sir Juc. Oh ho, now the murder is out ; this visit was intended for them? come, own
Rog. The electors desire to know if your wornow, major, did not you expect to meet with ship has any body to recommend? them here? You officers are men of such gal- Sir Jac. By no means; let them be free in lantry!
their choice: I shan't interfere. Maj. Why, we do tickle up the ladies, Sir Rog. And if your worship has any objı ction Jacob: there is no resisting a red coat. to Crispin Heel-tap the cobler's being returning Sir Jac. True, true, major.
officer Maj. But that is now all over with me. Fare- Sir Jac. None, provided the rascal can keep well to the plumed steeds and neighing troop, biniseli sober. Is he there? as the black man says in the play; like the Ro Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob.- Make way there! inan censurer, I shall retire to my savin field, and stand farther off from the gate : bere is madam there cultivate cabbages.
Sneak in a chair aloog with her husband. Sir Jac. Under the shade of your laurels. Muj. Gad's so, you will permit me to convey Maj. True; I have done with the major, and her in.
[Erit MAJR. now return lo to the magistrate; Cedunt urma
Sir Jac. Now here is one of the evils of war. togge.
This Sturgeon was as pains-taking a BillinsgateSir Jac. Still in the service of your country? broker as any in the bills of mortality. But the Maj. True ; man was not made for himself; fish has got out of his element; the soldier has and so, thinking that this would prove a busy day quite demolished the citizen. in the justicing way, I am come, Sir Jacob, to lend you a hand.
Enter Mrs. SNEAK, handed by the MAJOR. Sir Jac. Done like a neighbour.
Maj. I have brought, as I suppose most of our Mrs. Sneak. Dear major, I demand a million business will be in the battery way, some war- of pardons. I have given you a profusion of rants and mittimuses ready filled up, with all trouble ; but my husband is such a goose-cap. but the names of the parties, in order to save that I can't get no good out of him at home or
abroad—Jerry, Jerry Sneak—Your biessing, Sir Sir Jac. A provident magistrate !
Jacob? Maj. Pray, how shall we manage as to the ar- Sir Jac. Daughter, you are welcome to Garticle of swearing; for, I reckon we shall have ratt. oaths as plenty as hops ?
Mrs. Sneak. Why, Jerry Sneak! I say Sir Jac. Why, with regard to that branch of our business to-day, I believe the law must be Enter Sneak, with a band-bor, a hoop-petticoat suffered to sleep.
under his arm, and cardinal, &c.gc. fc. Maj. I should think we might pick up something that's pretty that way.
Sneak. Here, lovy !