Lady Fuz. A very common one with you, my dear: We dined late, Sir Toby could not take his nap, and we came early to the house; in ten minutes he fell fast asleep against the box-door, his wig half off, his mouth wide open, and snoring like a rhinoceros. Sir Mac. Well, but the catastrophe, Lady Fuz? Lady Fus. The pit and galleries fell a laughing and clapping; I jogged and pulled him, till my arms ached; and if the box-keeper had not luckily opened the door, and Sir Toby fell headlong into the passage, I should have died with shame. Enter GLIB. Glib. Ladies, you can't possibly have any thunder and lightning this morning; one of the planks of the thunder-trunks started the other night, and had not Jupiter stepped aside to drink a pot of porter, he had been knocked in the head with his own thunder-bolt. Lady Fuz. Well, let us go into the greenroom, then, and see the actors and actresses-Is Clive there? I should be glad of all things to see that woman off the stage. Glib. She never attends here, but when she is wanted. Lady Fuz. Bless me! If I was an actress, I should never be a moment out of the play Sir Toby. You'll not die with tenderness, I believe; for I got a lump upon my head as big as an egg, and have not been free from the head-house. ach ever since. Miss Fuz. I shall never forget what a flump my papa came down with-Ha, ha, ha! Sir Mac. The tenderness runs in the family, Sir Toby. Lady Fuz. Pray don't you adore Shakspeare, Sir Mac? Sir Mac. Shakspeare! [Yawning. Lady Fuz. Sir Toby and I are absolute worshippers of him—we very often act some of his best tragedy scenes to divert ourselves. Sir Mac. And it must be very diverting, I dare swear. Sir Toby. What, more family secrets! for shame, Lady Fuz Lady Fuz. You need not be ashamed of your talents, my dear-I will venture to say you are the best Romeo, that ever appeared. Sir Toby. Pooh, pooh! Sir Mac. I have not the least doubt of Sir Toby's genius-But don't your ladyship think he rather carries too much flesh for the loverDoes your ladyship incline to tragedy, too? Lady Fuz. I have my feelings, sir-and, if Sir Toby will favour you with two or three speeches, I will stand up for Juliet. Sir Toby. I vow, Lady Fuz, you distress mè beyond measure-I never have any voice till the evening. Miss Fuz. Never mind being a little husky, papa! do tear your wig, throw yourself upon the ground, and poison yourself. Sir Mac. This is a glorious scene, faith![Aside.] Sir Toby looks as if he were susceptible of the tender passions. Lady Fuz. Too much so, indeed; he is too amiable not to be a little faithless he has been a great libertine-have not you, Sir Toby? have you not wronged me? Come, give me a pinch of your snuff I [Takes snuff out of his box. S Toby. Forget and forgive, my dear-if my ostitution erred, my affections never did old you so a thousand times Mac. A wonderful couple, upon my soul! [Aside. Sir Mac. And, if I had my will, I would never be a moment in it. Lady Fuz. I wish I could have seen Clive! I think her a droll creature-nobody has half so good an opinion of her as I have. [Exit LADY FUz. Miss Fuz. For my part, I had rather have had a little thunder and lightning, than all the tea and chocolate in the world. [Going.] I wonder I don't see him. [Aside. [Exit Miss Fuz. Sir Mac. What a set of people am I with!— what a place I am in, and what an entertainment am I to go through! But I can't go through it-so, I'll e'en get into my chair again, and escape from these Hottentots-I wish with all my soul, that Sir Toby, my lady, and miss, the author and his piece, the managers, their playhouse and their performers, were all at the bottom of the Thames, and that I were fast asleep in my bed again. me. Enter WILSON. [Exit. Wil. [Peeping.] I durst not discover myself, though I saw her dear eyes looking about for If I could see her for a moment now, as the stage is clear, and nobody to overlook us, who knows but I might kindle up her spirit this moment to run away with me-Hah! What noise is that? There she is! Miss Fanny, Miss Fanny! here I am-By Heavens, she comes Enter Miss Fuz. Miss Fuz. O dear, how I flutter! I can't stay long-my papa and mamma were going to rehearse Romeo and Juliet, or I could not have stole out now. Wil. Let you and I act those parts in earnest, miss, and fly to Lawrence's cell-Love has given us the opportunity, and we shall forfeit his protection, if we don't make the best use of it. Miss Fuz. Indeed, I can't go away with you now-I will find a better opportunity soonperhaps, to-morrow-Let me return to the green-room; if we are seen together, we shall be separated for ever. Wil. To prevent that, let me lead you a private way through the house to a post-chaisewe shall be out of reach before Sir Toby and my lady have gone half through Romeo and Juliet. Miss Fuz. Don't insist upon it now-I could not for the world-my fear has taken away all my inclinations. Wil. I must run away with you now, Miss Fuz-Indeed, I must. Miss Fuz. Have you really a post-chaise ready! Wil. I have indeed! A post-chaise and four. Miss Fuz. A post-chaise and four!--Bless me! Wil. Four of the best bays in London, and my postilions are in blue jackets, with silver shoulder-knots. Miss Fuz. With silver shoulder-knots! nay, then there is no resisting-and yeṭ— Wil. Nay, quickly, quickly determine, my dear Miss Fuz! Miss Fuz. I will determine, then; I will sit by my papa at the rehearsal, and when he is asleep, which he will be in ten minutes, and my mamma will be deaf, dumb, and blind to to every thing but Mr. Glib's wit-I'll steal out of the box from them, and you shall run away with me as fast as you can, wherever your four bays and silver shoulder-knots please to take me. Wil. Upon my knees, I thank you, and thus I take an earnest of my happinesss. [Kisses her hand.] Zounds! here's your mamma, missdon't be alarmed-Lady! by yonder blessed moon, I vow! Miss Fuz. Oh, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon! Lady Fuz. [Approaching.] Let us have no sun, moon, and stars now--What are you about, my dear? Who is this young gentleman you are so free with? Miss Fuz. This is the young gentleman actor, mamma, whose benefit we were at last summer, and, while you were busy acting in the greenroom, I stole out here to try how my voice would sound upon the stage, and finding him here, I begged him to teach me a little how to play Juliet. Lady Fuz. O, very well, my dear! we are obliged to the young gentleman, to be sure! your papa will teach you, child, and play Romeo with you; you should not be too free with these actors. [Aside.] I am much obliged to you, sir, for the pains you have taken with my daughter-we are very sensible of your politeness, and you may bring us some tickets, when your benefit time comes. Wil. I am greatly honoured by your ladyship, and will go through all the scenes of Romeo and Juliet with miss, whenever she pleases. Lady Fuz. O, no, young man! her papa is a very fine actor, and a great critic; and he will have nobody teach her these things but himself -Thank the gentleman, child! [She curtsies.] Why did not you stay to hear your papa and me? Go, go, my dear, and I'll follow you! [Exit MISS.] Upon my word, a likely young man! your servant, sir! and very likely to turn a young woman's head; were it not for setting my daughter a bad example, I should like to go over some scenes of Juliet with him myself. [Erit, looking at him. ACT II. SCENE I.-The Stage. Enter GLIB, SIR TOBY, LADY and Miss Fuz, PATENT, &c. Glib. What, we have lost Sir Macaroni! no great matter, for he was half asleep all the time he was here--very little better than caput mortuum-Now, ladies, and gentlemen of the jury, take your places-Hiss and clap, condenin or applaud me, as your taste directs you, and Apollo, and the Nine send me a good deliverance! Lady Fuz. We'll go into the front boxesWhat is the matter with you, Fanny? You had rather be at your inconstant moon, than hear Mr. Glib's wit. Miss Fan. I never was happier in all my life, mamma. [Sighs.] What will become of me? [Aside. Sir Toby. I shall be very critical, Mr. Author. Lady Fuz. Pray, are we to have a prologue, Mr. Glib? We positively must have a prologue! Glib. Most certainly! entre nous-I have desired the manager to write me one-which has so flattered him, that I shall be able to do any thing with him. [Aside to LADY FUZ.] I know them all from the patentees, down to the wait ing fellows in green coats Sir Toby. You are very happy in your acquaintance, sir. Lady Fuz. I wish some of the stage folks would shew me round to the boxes-Who's there! Enter JOHNSTON. John. I'll conduct your ladyship round, if you please. Lady Fuz. Thank you, Mr. Johnston-Remember my box the first night-and don't forget Clive's benefit. John. I won't, my lady. Lady Fuz. Come, now for it, Glib! I shall have both my ears open; and I hope Sir Toby will do as much by his eyes- -Come, Fanny, my dear, this way. [Erit LADY FUZ, &c. Miss Fuz. I'll go my own way for the first time: now my spirits are up again-I have slipt my leading strings; and if dear Mr. Wilson's bays and postilions keep pace with my fancy, my papa and mamma must run a little faster than they do to overtake me. [Exit Miss Fuz. Enter Prompter. Glib. I hope, Mr. Hopkins, that nobody has got secretly into the house; I would have none but friends at the first rehearsal. [Looking round the house. Hop. You see the house is quite clear, sir. Glib. I would not have the town have the least idea of my performance before hand—I would open a mask battery of entertainment upon the public. Hop. You'll surprise them, I believe, sir! Glib. Pray be so good as to ring down the curtain, that we may rehearse in form--So, so, so! very well; and now I'll say a word or two to the [Curtain drops.] gentlemen in the orchestra-Gentlemen, [To the orchestra.]I shall take it as a particular favour, if you would be careful of your pianos and fortes; they are the light and shade, and without them music is all noise, and singing nothing but bawling Musician.-From the orchestra.]-I don't quite understand this movement- Is it allegro, sir? Glib. Allegro, spiritoso! Flash, flash, fire! my friends-you gentlemen haut-boys, take particular care of your little solos-You, bassoons, support them, con gusto-not too powerfully -mind a delicacy of feeling in your second movement-Make yourselves ready gentlemen -Shoulder your fiddles-cock your bowsand the moment I vanish, fire away, crash! I leave my fame in your hands-my lady-Sir Toby, are you got round? O, very well! I see you-Don't forget a cordial now and then for the poor author. [Speaking to the audience, and making a goes out and comes in several times upon Orph. Rho. To bring back your wife to your house? As a cat she will mumble the mouse. AIR. Pray cease your pathetic, And I'll be prophetic; [In tears. Two ladies at once in my house, Two cats they will be, The poor married man is the mouse. Yet hear me! Orpheus, can you be Mount if you will, and reach the sky, And there would give you battle; Your faithless heart appal! [ORPHEUS snatches up the lyre. Orph. This is my weapon; don't advance! I'll make you sleep, or make you dance. AIR. One medicine cures the gout, This can drive your passions out, Your senses steep, Or make your legs cut capers. DUETTO-Accompanied with the lyre. Rho. I cannot have my swing, Rho. My tongue has lost its twang. Rho. My eyes begin to twinkle, Orph. I can no more, But-go-to-sleep-and-sno-o-re. [Sinks by degrees upon a couch, and falls asleep. Though shriller her notes than the ear-piercing fife, I must, and I will, go to hell for my wife. [Exit, singing. SCENE II.-Changes to a mountainous country; cows, sheep, goats, &c. After a sort symphony-Enter ORPHEUS, AIR. Thou dear companion of my life, Orph. Old Shep. toes? [Begins to dance. O cut those strings, Those tickling things, Of that same cursed scruper! Old Shep. Orph. As I'm alive, I'm sixty-five, And that's no age for dancing; I'm past the game, O fie for shame! Old men should not be prancing: Of that same cursed scraper ! CHORUS. We're dancing too, And we, like you, Can only cut a caper. AIR. They cut the strings, They cannot hurt the scraper; CHORUS. We're dancing too, [ORPHEUS leads out the Shepherds in a Glib. Here's a scene, Lady Fuz!-If this won't do, what the devil will? tal lal, lal, lal!-[Danc ing.] Thank you, gentlemen. [To the orche stra.] Admirably well done, indeed!-I'll kiss you all round, over as much punch as the double bass will hold. |