She had a good character-and is very notable -but pert, very pert! Slip. Yes, yes, she is notable-Out of the country! and a good character! well said, Mrs. Jenny! [Half aside. Stock. What's the matter, Slip? You have something in your head, I'm sure. Slip. No, nothing at all-but the luck of some people!-out of the country! Stock. You must tell me. I shan't think you mean me well, if you conceal any thing from me. Slip. Why, among ourselves, sir-I knew Mrs. Jenny the last year very well-born and bred in Covent Garden. Some time ago bar-maid to a jelly-house, and two children, (very fine ones indeed) by little Tom the waiter. I knew, when I saw her here, that we should have some sport. Stock. Ay, ay! I know enough; well said, Mrs. Jenny, indeed! But mind the cunning of this fellow, this Belford-he says he's the most intimate friend your master has! Slip. Ay, sir? ha, ha, ha! and I dare say my master would not know him if he met himhowever, that's well observed, sir; um! nothing escapes you. Stock. Why, I am seldom out, seldom- Stock. I don't say never; but here is your master. I must have a laugh with him about his marriage; ha, ha, ha! Slip. Twill be rare sport for him, he, he, he! Enter MARTIN. Stock. So, son-in-law! Do you hear what the world say of you! I have had intelligence here, (ay, and certain intelligence too) that you are married, it seems-privately married, to a young lady of Dorsetshire. What say you, sir? Is not this fine? Ha, ha, ha! Slip. Very merry, faith! [Laughing, and making signs to MAR. Mar. Ha, ha, ha! 'tis such a joke! What, you have heard so? This Mr. World is a facetious gentleman! Stock. Another man, now, would have given plumb into this foolish story, but I—No, no your humble servant for that. Slip. No, plague! Mr. Stockwell has a long head! He[Pointing still. Mar. I would fain know who could be the author of such a ridiculous story? ; Slip. Mr. Stockwell tells me, 'tis one Belford, I think he calls him; is not that his name, sir? Mar. Belford! Belford! I never heard of his name in my life. Slip. As I said, sir; you see master knows nothing of this fellow. Stay, stay; is it not the youngest that you know whom I mean? that, that scores, and that his creditors had stopped proceedings till he's married. Stock. Ay, ay! there let them stop. Ha, ha, ha! they'll be tired of stopping, I believe, if they are to stop till he has married my daughter, ha, ha, ha! Slip. He's no fool, let me tell you, this Mr. Belford. Stock. No; nor Mr. Stockwell neither; and to convince them of that, I will go this instant to my banker's, and Mar. Sir, I'll wait on you. Stock. Stay, son-in-law; I have a proposal to make-I own, I agreed with my old friend to give you 10,0001, down. Mar. Ay, down was the word, sir-it was so -down. Stock. Now, could you conveniently take some houses, that I have in the borough, instead of half that sum? They are worth a great deal more than that, I assure you. : Mar. O dear sir, your word is not to be disputed I'll take any thing-but, between friends, ready money is the truth. Down, you know, sir; that was the word, down. Slip. Species, your honour knows, is of easier conveyance. Stock. Yes, sure, that's true; but Mar. Ay, ay; one can't put houses in one's portmanteau, you know-he, he, he! Besides, there is a pretty estate to be sold in Dorsetshire, near my father's, and I have my eye upon that. Slip. As pretty a conditional thing, as any in the country; and then so contagious, that a hedge only parts them. Mar. I may have it for 90001., and I'm told 'tis worth ten at least. Slip. The least penny, sir: the timber's worth half the money. Stock. Well, well; look you, son, I have a round 10,000l. now in my banker's hands, which I thought to have made immediate advantage of. You shall have a moiety of it. Mar. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to you. Are you going to your banker's now, sir? it; Stock. I will but step and let my wife know of fetch the cash directly: and you shall marry my daughter in an hour. Mar. Sir, suppose we invite Mr. Belford to the wedding? Ha, ha, ha ! Slip. Ha, ha, ha! What a droll devil my mas ter is! Stock. Ha, ha, ha! [Exit STOCK. Mar. Wind and tide, my boy! My master has certainly had an interview with Miss Nancy Stockwell? Slip. And as certainly knows Harlowe, too. Mar They correspond, you see? Slip. But, thanks to my wit, I have so set the old man against Belford, that I am in hopes we shall pack up madam's fortune in the portmanteau, before he's set to rights again; and— [MAR. going, stops. Mar. Zounds! my master! Slip. Where? Mar. Don't you see him reading a letter? Slip. This is my unlucky star! What will become of us? Enter BELFORD. Bel. This letter gets me admittance to Miss Stockwell at least; and if I can but save her from ruin, I shall be happy; but I hope this may have better consequences. Ha! What's this! 'Tis he! 'Tis Martin, as I live! Mar. Ay, 'tis I: and well for you it is. What do you here? Bel. Nay, what are you doing here, and what have you done here? What clothes are these? What's your scheme? And why have I not known it? Mar. Not so fast and so loud, good master of mine-walls have ears. These are your rival's clothes, who is to follow them in a few days: but his servant, there, is an old friend of mine, and so, as they fit me so well-he's-I pass upon the family for the young fellow himself. Bel. Well, and where's the joke of that? Mar. A very good joke, I think. I'll undertake to put these two old fools (your papa and mamma that shall be) so out of conceit with their son-in-law, that-why, already I have heard the old folks agreeing, that you were much the properer match for their daughter; so that I expect every moment they'll send for you to deliver them from me: and nothing can prevent our success, but your being Slip. At last he's gone! Mar. And we have time to take a little breath; for this was a hot alarm, faith! Jenny, would have surprised us together. Mar. That would have been a clincher! but now I must after the old gentleman for the money. [Exit. Slip. And I'll be upon the watch, for fear of mischief. [Exit. Bel. Ha, ha, ha! a very good stratagem: but there is no need of it now; for this rival, as you call him, is my particular friend, and married to SCENE II.-An apartment in STOCKWELL'S another woman: so I tell you we have nothing to fear. Mar. [Reading.-Um, um! Some days privately married-Slip- [Aside to SLIP. Slip. This is easily cleared up, sir! There was such a thing proposed by my young master; but you must understand, sir, that Mr. Harlowe, not approving of the terms, has tipped the young woman's father a good round sum, and so the affair is made up. Bel. Can it be possible that he is not married! Slip. I'll take my oath of it before any magistrate in England. Mar. Poob! married! Bel. Well, I'll decamp, then: but why is not Jenny in your plot? Mar. She! no, no; she is not to be trusted. I soon found out that. Tooth and nail against us house. Enter STOCKWELL and JENNY. Jen. Still I say, sir Stock. And still I say, madamJen. That Mr. Belford's a very honest gentleman, and you ought to search it. Stock. I tell you, I have searched, and probed it to the quick-and that he shall feel. I know well enough, you are in his interest, and have your interest in so doing; and I am sorry you could find no prettier plot than this to defer the wedding. Jen. Lud, sir, do you believe Stock. No; but I'm sure on't, that's better. Jen. Lud! you'd make one mad. Stock. And you'd make me a fool, if you could. No, no; I'm an ass, a poor simpleton, that may be led by the nose! but you may tell my daughter, that she shall marry Harlowe this night. And you may tell your friend, Belford, to let his creditors know that they need not stop proceedings. And you, madam, may return to your jelly-shop, and give my compliments to little Tom, and all the little family, ha, ha, ha! [Exit STOCK. Jen. What does he mean by the jelly-houselittle Tom-and all the little family? There's something at the bottom of this, I cannot yet fathom: but I will fathom it. I was never out of a secret yet, that I had a mind to find out 1 and that's all that have come across me-and house. Enter STOCKWELL, MARTIN, and SLIP. Stock. Come, son-in-law, we'll go to my banker's, and see how our cash stands, and settle matters as well as we can. Mar. I'll attend you, sir, with pleasure-cash, or notes, all the same to me. Stock. I wish you would take the houses, sonin-law; 'twould be more convenient for me, and a greater advantage to you! Mar. Advantage, sir! I scorn to take any advantage of you-I hate mean views. I desire nothing better than my bargain. The money and your daughter's charms are sufficient for your poor Mart-humble servant. Stock. Well, well, come along; we don't quite understand one another. [Exit. Mar. But we do. [TO SLIP.] The day's our own; get every thing ready to make our retreat good. Slip. Ay, ay, get you the money, and I'll be ready with the equipage. [Exit MARTIN, 'Thus far our arms have with success been crowned :' Sir Har. I don't know you, friend; keep your distance. [Claps his hands on his pockets. Slip. Don't you know me, sir? Sir Har. It cannot be Slip, sure! Is this the fool's coat my son ordered you for his wedding? Slip. Yes sir; and a genteel thing it is upon me. What you had a mind to surprise your friends? Who thought of you at London, sir? Sir Har. I set out soon after you, lame as I was. I bethought me, it looked better to settle matters of such consequence with Mr. Stockwell viva voce, than to trust it to a servant. Slip. You were always a nice observer of decorums? You are going now to Mr. Stockwell's? Sir Har. Directly. [Going to knock. Slip. Hold your desperate hand! and thank Fortune that brought me hither for your rescue. Sir Har. Why, what's the matter? Rescue me, quoth-a! Have you seen them, Slip. Slip. Seen them! ay, and felt them, too. I am just escaped. The old lady is in a damned passion with you, I can tell you. Sir Har, With me! Slip. Ay, that she is. How, says she, does the old fool think to fob us off with a flam and a sham of a dirty trollop? Must my daughter's reputation-and, then, she bridled and stalked up to me thus, sir. Sir Har. How! but there's no answering a silly woman: how can this affect her daughter's character? believe such a- -no, no; they'll think the old hunks has found some flaw in our circumstances, and so won't stand to his bargain. Sir Har, Poh! Nothing disguises a woman like passion. Though it may become a man sometimes Slip. That's what I said. Madam, says I———— but you can't expect a woman in a fury to hear reason: 'tis almost as much as they can do, when they are cool. No, no: as for her arguI have only one doubt remaining, and that's a-ment, it was sad stuff! Will the world, says she, bout this same portion. I don't relish this dividing a booty. How shall I cheat Martin? I should deserve to be canonized could I but cheat that rogue of rogues. I must e'en throw the young lady in his way, and persuade him, for our better security, to pass the night with her: so leave him with the shell, while I slip off with the kernel. A tempting bait! But no-stand off, Satan! Tis against our fundamental laws. We adventurers have ten times the honour of your fair traders. [Going, and stops.] Why, what! Sure it can't be! Zounds, if it should! It is the very man! Our little, old, withered, fiery gentleman, by all that's terrible! from what a fine dream will this gouty spitfire awake us!— He's certainly going to Mr. Stockwell's, and his gunpowder will blow up all at once! If Martin and Mr. Stockwell don't return too soon from the banker's, I may send him away; 'tis our last stake, and I must play it like a gamester. Enter SIR HARRY HARLOWE. Slip. Lud, sir! you would not know her again-her eyes stare in her head, and she can't see a creature. On a sudden, (for I pushed the argument pretty home) she caught hold of my throat, thus, sir; and knocked me down with the butt end of her fan. Sir Har. Did she? But what did her husband say to this? Let us hear that. Slip. Oh, sir, I found him pretty reasonable! He only shewed me the door, and kicked me down stairs. too. Sir Har. If he's for that work, we can kick, Slip. Dear sir, consider your gout. Sir Har. No, sir! when my blood is up, I rever feel the gout. But could they possibly take Sir Har. I don't know how my old friend it amiss, that I consented to my son's marStockwell may receive me after this disappoint-riage? I doubt you did not explain circum stances. Slip. I told them plain enough; I thought that my young master, having begun the ceremony at the wrong end, the family were going ding-dong to law; and that you had behaved like a man of honour, andcompounded matters. -very wisely Sir. Har. And did not this convince them? Slip. I say convince! They are in a pretty temper to be convinced! If you will take a fool's counsel, you should return to your inn, and never think of convincing them. Sir Har. They are for kicking, are they? I could have kicked pretty well myself once. We shall see what they would be at [Going, is stopt by SLIP. Slip. Indeed, sir, you shall not. What! have your face scratched by an old woman, or be run through the body with a rusty sword? Indeed you shall not. Sir Har. [Endeavouring to draw his sword.] We have swords, that run through bodies, as well as they; ay, and pistols too! If he will quarrel, I'm his man. Steel or lead, 'tis all one to me. A passionate old fool! I'll cool him; kick me down stairs! Slip. Lord, sir! you are so hot! You forget; it was me he kicked down stairs, not you! Sir Har. 'Tis the same thing, sir. Whoever kicks you, kicks me by proxy-nay, worse; you have only the kicks, but I have the affront Slip. If the kicks are the best, I shall be content with the worst another time. Undone, undone! This way, this way, sir. Let us go this way- -there will certainly be bloodshed. Sir Har. What is the matter, you fool? What art afraid of? Slip. Don't you see Mr. Stockwell coming this way? Bless me, how he stares! He's mad with passion. Don't meet him, Sir Harry. You are out of wind, and have not pushed a great while, and he'll certainly be too much for you Sir Har. I won't avoid him. My blood's up as well as his; if the fool will be for fightinglet him take what follows. Hold my cane, Slip. [Cocks his hat. Slip. Ay, 'tis all over. If Martin has but got the money, we may retire while the champions are at it. Enter OLD STOCKWELL and MARTIN-STOCK Stock. We will count our money and bills over again, sign the writings, and then, son, for singing and dancing, and Mar. Don't give yourself that trouble, Mr. Stockwell; among friends, you know- -pray, let me ease you of that weight. [Offers to take the money Stock. No, no, son; you shan't have a farthing more or less than your bargain. We citizens are exact, and must have our way in form. Sp. Zounds! he has not got the money! We must have a scramble for it at last, then! Sir Har. Now he eyes me! I'll be as fierce as he; now for it-hem, hein! [Brustles up. [During this, MARTIN and SLIP make signs, and approach each other by degrees] Stock. Eh! sure, if my eyes don't deceive me, there is somebody very like my old friend and your father, Sir Harry Harlowe! Slip. Damnably like, indeed, sir! Sir Har. He looks like the devil at me; but I'll be even with him. Stock. What, my dear friend, is it you? Sir Har. None of your hypocritical palavers with me! Keep your distance, you dissembling old fool you, or I'll teach you better manners, than to kick my servant down stairs. Stock. What do you mean, Sir Harry?—He's mad sure! [They stand and stare at each other, and SIR HARRY shakes his sword. Mar. Nothing can save us now, Slip! Slip. Trip up his heels, and fly with the money to the post-chaise; while I tread upon my old master's toes, that he mayn't follow us. Mar. We have nothing else for it-Have at them! Stock. Nay, but Sir Harry! [As they approach the old gentleman, BEL FORD Comes in behind with constables, and seizes them.] Bel. Have I caught you, rascals;—in the very nick too! Secure them, constables. Stock. What, in the name of wonder, are you about! Bel. I have a double pleasure in this; for I have not only discovered two villains, but at the very time, sir, their villainy was taking effect to make you miserable. Sir Har. Two villains! Mr. Stockwell, do you hear this? Explain yourself, sir; or blood and brimstone Stock. Explain, Mr. Belford!-Sir Harry Harlowe! What is all this!I am all stupefaction! Bel. Is this Sir Harry? I am your humble servant, sir. I have not the honour to be known to you, but am a particular acquaintance of your son's; who has been misrepresented here by that pretty gentleman, once a rascal of mine. Sir Har. I'm in a wood, and don't know how to get out of it! Stock. Is not this your son, Sir Harry? this is my servant, and my son's pimp, whom I Sir Har. No, you passionate old foo!! but understand you have been kicking down stairs! Stock. Here's a fine heap of roguery! Bel. It was my good fortune, by the intelligence and instigation of Mrs. Jenny, to discove: the whole before these wretches had accomplished their designs. Stock. What a hair-breadth 'scape I have had as the poet says, the very brink of destruction! for I should have given him the cash in five minutes. I am in a cold sweat at the thoughts of it! Dear Mr. Belford! [Shakes him by the hand. Enter MRS. STOCKWELL, MISS, and JENNY. Mrs. Stock. O, Mr. Stockwell! here are fine doings going forward. Did not I tell you, that I was for Mr. Belford from the beginning? M Stock, Don't trouble us now, wife; you have but rejoice at your deliverance. If you and Sir been for and against him twenty times in four-Harry will permit me to attend you within, I and-twenty hours. will acquaint you with the whole business. Sir Har. I see the whole business now, sir. We have been their fools. Jen. [To MARTIN aad SLIP.] Your humble servant, gentlemen! What, dumb and ashamed too!the next scheme you go about, take care that there is not such a girl as I within twenty miles of you. Mar. I wish we were twenty miles from you, with all my soul ! Slip. As you don't like our company, ınadam, we'll retire. [Going away.] Bel. Hold them fast, constables: They must give some account of themselves at the Old Bailey, and then perhaps they may retire to our plantations. Sir Har. But what have they done? or what will you do? or what am I to do? I'm all in the dark-pitch dark—— Stock. Is your son married, Sir Harry? Sir Har. Yes, a fortnight ago; and this fellow you kicked down stairs, was sent with my excuses. Stock. I kicked him down stairs! You villain you Bel. Don't disturb yourself with what is past, Stock. And they are our knaves, and shall suffer as such. Thanks to Mr. Belford here-my good angel, that has saved my 10,000l. ! Sir Har. He has saved your family, Mr. Stockwell. Bel. Could you but think, sir, my good services to your family might entitle me to be one of it! Miss Nan. You'd make your daughter happy, by giving her to your best friend. Mrs. Stock. My dear; for once hear me and reason, and make them both happy. Stock. You shall be happy, Belford. Take my daughter's hand. You have her heart. You have deserved her fortune, and shall have that, too. Come, let us go in and examine these culprits. Sir Har. Right, Mr. Stockwell. Tis a good thing to punish villainy; but 'tis a better to make virtue happy, and so let us about it. [Exeunt omnes. |