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teach you.




Lean. What's the matter? Oct. Dear Scapin, how infinitely am I obliged

Sly. Your mistress, sir, is yonder arrested in

an action of 2001. They say 'tis a debt she left to thee for thy care ! Leun. Yonder he comes: I'm overjoyed to hither to Dover; and, if you don't raise money

unpaid at London, in the haste of her escape sce you, good Mr. Dog! Sca. Sir, your most humble servant; you ho- be hurried to prison.

within these two hours to discharge her, she'll nour ine too far.

Lean. Within these two hours ? Lean. You act an ill fool's part; but I shall

Sly. Yes, sir, within these two hours.

Leun. Ah, my poor Scapin! I want thy asSca. Sir?


(Scapin walks about surlily. Oct. Hold! Leander.

Sca. Ah, my poor Scapin! Now I'm your Lean. No, Octavian; I'll make him confess the treachery he has committed ; yes, varlet poor Scapin; now you've need of me. doy! I know the trick you liave played me : You hast done, and worse, it thou art guilty of it.

Lean. No more! I pardon thee all that thou thought, perhaps, no body would have told me.

Sca. No, no; never pardon me: run your But I'll make you coufessi:, or I'll ruņ my sword sword in my guts; you'll do better lo murder into your guts! Sca. Oh, sir, sir! would you have the heart

Lean. For Heaven's sake, think no to do such a thing? Have I done you any injury, upon that; but study now to assist me. sir?

Oct. You must do something for him, Lean. Yes, rascal! that you have, and I'll

Sca. Yes, to have my bones broken for my make you own it, too, or I'll swinge it out of

pains. your already tanned thick hide. [Beats him. Sca. The devil's in't! Lord, sir! what d’ye severe extremity?

Lean. Would you leave me, Scapin, in this mcan? Nay, good Mr. Leander, pray, Mr. Lean- Sca. To put such an affront upon me as you der ; 'squire Leander-As I hope to be saved- did! Oct. Prithee be quiet: for shame! enough.

Lean. I wronged thee, I confess.

(Interposes. Sca. To use me like a scoundrel, a villain, a Sca. Well, sir, I confess, indeed, that

rascal; to threaten to run your sword in my Lean. What! speak, rogue? Sca. About two months ago, you may remem


Lean. I cry thy mercy with all my heart; and ber, a maid servast died in the house

if thou wilt have me throw myself at thy feet, Lean. What of all that?

I'll do it. Sca. Nay, sir, if I confess you must not be

Oct. Faith, Scapin, you must, you cannot but angry. Lean. Well, go on.

yield. Sca. 'Twas said, she died for love of me, sir : another time, better words and gentler blows.

Sca. Well, then: But do you mark me, sir? But let that pass:

Lean. Will you promise to mind my busiLean. Death! you trifling buffoon. Sca. About a week after her death, I drest

Sca. As I see convenient, care shall be taken. up myself like her ghost, and went into Madam

Lean. But the time you know is short. Lucia, your mistress's chamber, where she lay half in, balf out of bed, with her woman by her, much money is't you want?

Sca. Pray, sir, don't be so troublesome: How reading an ungodly play-book.

Lean. Two hundred pounds. Lean. And was it your impudence did that?

Sca. And you? Sca. They both believed it was a ghost to this

Oct. As much. hour. But it was myself played the goblin, to frighten her from the scurvy custom of lying shall be done : For you the contrivance is laid

Sca. [TO LEANDER.] No more to be said ; it awake at those unscasonable hours, hearing already; and for your father, though he be covetfilthy plays, when she had never said her prayers. ous to the last degree, yct, thanks be to HeaLeun. I shall remember you for all in time

ven, he's but a shallow person; his parts are not and place : But come to the point, and tell me

extraordinary: Do not take it ill, sir; for you what thou hast said to my father.

have no resemblance of him, but that you are Sca. To your father? I have not so much as very like him. Begone! I see Octavian's father seen him since his return, and if you would ask

coming; I'll begin with him. him, he'll tell you so himself.

[Ereunt OCTAVIAN and LEANDER. Leun. Yes, he told me himself, and told me all that thou hast said to him.

Enter THRIFTY. Sca. With your yood leave, sir, then, he lied; Here he comes, mumbling and chewing the I beg your pardon, I mean he was mistaken.

cud, to prove himself a clean beast. Enter Sly.

Thrifiy. Oh, audacious boy, to commit so

insolent a crime, and plunge himself in such a Sly, Ohi, sir, I bring you the most unhappy mischief! news!

Sca. Sir, your bumble servant.


Thrifty. How do you, Scapin?

their sons' miscarriages, but have bowels for Sca. What, you are ruminating on your son's them; I have much ado' to refraiu weeping fur rash actions?

you. Thrifty. Have I not reason to be troubled ? Thrifty. Truly, my case is sad, very sad.

Sca. The life of man is full of troubles, that's Sca. So it is. Tears will burst out; I have a the truth on't: But your philosopher is always great respect for your person. prepared. I remember an excellent proverb of

[Counterfeits weeping. the ancients, very fit for your case.

Thrifty. Thank you, with all my heart; in Thrifty. What's that?

troth we should have a fellow-feeling. Sca. Pray, mind it; 'twill do ye a world of Sca. Ay, so we should; I assure you there is good.

not a person in the world whom I respect more Thrifty. What is't, I ask you?

than the noble Mr. Thrifty. Sca. Why, when the master of a family shall Thrifty. Thou art honest, Scapin. Ha' done be absent any considerable time from bis home ha' done. or mansion, he ought, rationally, gravely, Sca. Sir, your most humble servant. wisely, and philosophically, to revolve within Thrifty. But what is your way? his mind all the concurrent circumstances, that Sca. Why, in brief, I have been with the may, during the interval, conspire to the con-brother of her, whom your wicked son has marjunction of those misfortunes, and troublesome ried. accidents, that may intervene upon the said ab- Thrifty. What is he? sence, and the interruption of his economical in- Sca. A most outrageous, roaring fellow, with spection into the remissness, negligences, frail- a down hanging look, contracted brow, with a ties, and buge and perilous errors, which his swelled red face, enflamed with brandy; one substitutes, servants, or trustees, may be capa- that frowns, puffs, and looks big at all mankind; ble of, or liable or obnoxious unto; which may roars out oaths, and bellows out curses enough arise from the imperfection and corruptness of in a day to serve a garrison a week; bred up in inzenerated natures, or the taint and contagion blood and rapine; used to slaughter from his of corrupted education, whereby the fountain- youth upwards; one that makes no more conhead of man's disposition becomes muddy, and science of killing a man, than cracking of a all the strears of his manners and conversation louse; he has killed sixteen; four for taking the Tun consequently defiled and impure: These wall of him; five for looking too big upon him. things premised, and forc-considered, arm the In short, he is the most dreadful of all the race said prudent philosophical Pater-Familias, to of bullies. End his house laid waste, his wife murdered, his Thrifty. Heaven! How do I tremble at the daayhters deflowered, his sons hanged: description? But what's this to my business? * Cum multis aliis, quæ nunc prescribere lon- and I have brought him, by threatening him with

Sca. Why, he (as most bullies are) is in want, gum est.'

all the courses of law, all the assistance of And to thank Heaven 'tis no worse, too. D'ye your friends, and your great purse, (in which I mark, sir?

ventured my life ten times, for so often he drew Thrifty. 'Sdcath! Is all this a proverb ? and run at me) yet, I say, at last I have made

Sca. Ay, and the best proverb, and the wisest, bim hearken to a composition, and to null the in the world. Good sir, get it by heart:- marriage for a sum of money. Twill do you the greatest good imaginable; and Thrifty. Thanks, dear Scapin, but what sum? don't trouble yourself: I'll repeat it to you till Sca. Taith, he was damnably unreasonable you bave gotten it by heart.

at first; and gad, I told him so very roundly. Thrifty. No, I thank you, sir; I'll have none Thrifty. A pox on him! what did he on't.

ask? Sca. Pray do, you'll like it better next time; Sca. Ask ! bang him! why he asked five hunhear it once more, I say~ When the mas- dred pounds. ter of a

Thrifty. Ouns and heart, five hundred pounds ! Thrifty. Hold, hold; I have better thoughts five hundred devils take him and fry and of my own; I am going to my lawyer; I'll null trickasee the deg! does he take me for a madihe marriage.

man? Sca. Going to law ! Are you mad, to venture Sca. Why, so I said ; and after much argument, yourself anong lawyers? Do you not see every I brought him to this : * Damme,' says he, I day how the spunges suck poor clients, and, |am going to the army, and I must have two with a company of foolish nonsensical terms, good horses for myself, for fear one should die; and koavish tricks, undo the nation? No, you and those will cost at least threescore guineas.' shall take another way.

Thrifty. Hang him rogue ! why sbould be Thrifty. You have reason, if there were any have two horses? But I care not if I give three other way.

score guincas to be rid of this affair. Sca. Come, I have found one. The truth is, Sca. Then, says he,“ my pistois, saddle, horse I have a great compassion for your grief. I cloth, and all, will cost twenty more.' caunot, when I see tender fathers afflicted for Thrifty. Why, that's four score.

Sca. Well reckoned : 'Faith, this arithmetic is pleadings of doctors, for the register, substitute, a fine art. Then, I must have one for my boy, judgments, signings—Expedition fees, besides will cost twenty more.

the vast presents to them and their wives. Thrifty. Oh, the devil! confounded dog ! let Hang it the fellow is out of employment; give him go and be damned ! I'll give him nothing. him the money, give bim it, I say. Sca. Sir.

Thrifty. What, two hundred pounds! Thrifty. Not a sous, damned rascal ! let him

Sca. Ay, ay; why, you'll gain 1501. by it, I turn foot soldier, and be hanged !

have summed it up; I say, give it him, i'faith do. Sca. He has a man besides ; would you have Thrifty. What, two hundred pounds! him go a-foot ?

Sca. Ay; besides, you ne'er think how they'll Thrifty. Ay, and his master too; I'll have rail at you in pleading, tell all your fornications, nothing to do with him.

bastardings, and cominutings, in their courts. Sca. Well, you are resolved to spend twice as Thrifty. I defy them; let them tell of my much at Doctors' Commons, you are, you will whoring—'tis the fashion ! stand out for such a sum as this, do.

Sca. Peace ! here's the brother.
Thrifty. O, dainned, unconscious rascal, well ! Thrifty. O Heaven! what shall I do.
if it must be so, let him have the other twenty.
Sca. Twenty ! why it comes to forty.

Entér Shift, disguised like a Bully. Thrifty. No, I'll have uothing to do in it. Oh, a covetous rogue ! I wonder he is not ashamed Shift. Damine! where's this confounded dog, to be so covetous.

this father of Octavian ? Null the marriage! By Sca. Why, this is nothing to the charge at all the honour of my ancestors, I'll chine the vilDoctors' Commons: and though her brother lain. has no money, slie has an uncle able to defend Thrifty. Oh, oli! her.

[Hides himself behind Scapin. Thrifty. (), eternal rogue ! well, I must do Sca. He cares not, sir; he'll not give the two it; the devil's in him, I think!

hundred pounds. Sca. Then, says he, I must carry into France Shift. By Heaven ! he shall be worm's meat money, to buy a mule, to carry

within these two hours ! Thrifty. Let him go to the devil with his Sca. Sir, he has courage; he fears you not. mule ; I'll appeal to the judges.

Thrifty. You lie, I have not courage; I do fear Sca. Nay, good sir, think a little.

bim mortally! Thrifty. No, I'll do nothing.

Shift. He, he, he! Ounds he ! would all his Sca. Sir, sir ; but one little inule?

family were in him, I'd cut off root and branch. Thrifty. No, not so much as an ass ! Dishonour my sister! this in his guts! What Sca. Consider.

fellow's that! ha! Thrifty. I will not consider ; I'll go to law. Sca. Not he, sir.

Sca. I am sure if you go to law, you do not Shift. Nor none of his friends? consider the appeals, degrees of jurisdiction, the Thrifty. No, sir; hang him, I am his mortal intricate proceedings, the knaveries, the craving enemy? of so many ravenous animals, that will prey Shift. Art thou the cnemy of that rascal ? upon you! villainous harpies, promoters, tip- Thrifty. Oh! ay, hang bim-Oh damned staves, and the like; none of which but will puff bully!

(Aside. away the clearest right in the world for a bribe. Shift. Give me thy hand, old boy; the next On the other side, the proctor shall side with sun shall not see the impudent rascal alive. your adversary, and sell your cause for ready Sca. He'll muster up all his relations against money : Your advocate shall be gained the you. same way, and shall not be found when your Thrifty. Do not provoke him, Scapin. cause is to be heard. Law is the torment of Shift. Would they were all here-ha, ha, ha! all torments.

[He forms every way with his sword. Thrifty. That's true : why, what does the Here I had one through the lungs, there another damned rogue

-reckon for his mule? into the heart : Ha! there another into the guts : Sca. Why, for horses, furniture, mule, and to Ah, rogues ! there I was with you-hah! hah! pay some scores that are due to his landlady, he Sca. Hold, sir; we are none of your enemies. demands, and will have, two hundred pounds. Shift, No, but I will find the villains out while

Thrifty. Come, come, let us go to law. my blood is up ! I will destroy the whole family. [TH:IFTY walks up and down in u great heat. Ha, ha, ha.

[Erit Shift fencing: Sca. Do but reflect upon

Thrifty. Here, Scapin, i have two hundred Thrifty. I'll go to law.

guineas about me, take them, No more to be Sca. Do not plunge yourself

said. Let me never see bis face again. Take Thrifty. To law, I tell you.

them, I say. This is the devil ! Sca. Why, there's for procuration, presenta

Sca. will

you not give them him yourself? tion, councils, productions, proctors, attendance, Thrifty. No, no! I will never see him more: anii scribbling vast volumes of interrogatories, I shall not recover this these three months! See depositions, and articles, consultatious, and the business done. I trust in thee, honest Sca


pin—I must repose somewhere~ I am mightily, my son, and stay as a pledge in his room, till I out of order-A plague on all bullies, I say !

can raise the money.

[Exit Turisty. Sca. Alas, sir ! think you the captain has so Sca. So, there's one dispatched; I must now little wit as to accept of such a poor rascally find out Gripe. He's here; how Heaven brings fellow as I am, instead of your son ? them into my nets, one after another !

Gripe. What the devil did he do a shipboard ?

Sca. D'ye remember, sir, that you have but an Enter Gripe.

hour's time?

Gripe. Thou sayest he demands-
Ob Heaven! unlooked for misfortune-poor Mr. Sca. Two hundred pounds.
Gripe, what wilt thou do?

Gripe. Two hundred pounds ! Has the fel(Walks about distractedly. low no conscience ? Gripe. What's that he says of me?

Sca. O lord ! the conscience of a pirate! Sca. Is there nobody can tell me news of Mr. why, very few lawful captains have any. Gripe.

Gripe. Has he not reason neither? Does he Gripe. Who's there, Scapin?

know what the sum two hundred pounds is ? Sca. How I run up and down to find him to Sca. Yes, sir ; tarpawlins are a sort of peoDo purpose ! Oh! sir, is there no way to hear ple that understand inoney, though they have no of Mr. Gripe?

great acquaintance with sense. But, for HeaGripe. Art thou blind? I have been just veu's sakė, dispatch! under thy nose this hour.

Gripe. Here, take the key of the countingSca. Sir, Gripe. What's the matter?

Sca. So ! Sca. Oh! Sir, your son

Gripe. And open it. Gripe. Ha! my son !

Sca, Very good. Sca. Is fallen into the strangest misfortune Gripe. In the left-hand window lies the key in the world!

of my garret ; go, take all the clothes that are Gripe. What is it?

in the great chest, and sell them to the brokers Sca. I met him a while ago, disordered for to redeem my son. something you had said to him, wherein you very Sca. Sir, you're mad! I shan't get fifty shiladly made use of my name, and sceking to di-lings for all that's there, and you know that I am vert his melancholy, we went to walk upon the straitened for time. pier: amongst other things, he took particular Gripe. What a devil did he do a shipboard ! Dotice of a new caper in her full trim. The cap- Sca. Let shipboard alone, and consider, sir, tam invited us on board, and gave us the hand- your son. But Heaven's my witness, I have somest collation I ever met with.

done for him as much as was possible ; and if Gripe. Well, and where's the disaster of all he be not redeemed, he may thank bis father's this?

kindness. Sca. While we were eating, he put to sea ; and Gripe. Well, sir, I'll go see if I can raise the when we were a good distance from the shore, noncy-was it not nivescore pounds you spoke he discovered himself to be an English renegado, of? that was entertained in the Dutch service, and Sca. No; two hundred pounds. sent me off in his long-boat to tell you, that if Gripe What two hundred pounds Dutch, you don't forthwithi send him two hundred hey? pounds, he'll carry away your son prisoner: nay Sca. No, sir; I mean English money; two hunfor aught I know, he'll carry him a slave to Al- dred pounds sterling. piers.

Gripe. I'th devil's name, what business had Gripe. How, in the devil's name? iwo liun- he a shipboard? Confounded shipboard ! dred pounds!

Sca. This shipboard sticks in his stomach. Sca. Yes, sir ; and more than that, he has al- Gripe. Hold, Scapin! I remember I received lowed me but an hour's time ; you must advise the very sum just now in gold, but I did not quickly what course to take, to save an only son! I think I should have parted with it so soon.

Gripe. What a devil had le to do a shipboard ? [He presents Scarin his purse, but will not --Run quickly, Scapin, and tell the villain, I'll let il go; und in his anxiety pulls his send my lord chief justice's warrant after him. arm to and fro, whilst Scapin reuches

Sca, o lord! his warrant in the open sea! at it. d'ye think pirates arc fools ?

Sca. Ay, sir. Gripe. I'th' devil's name, what business had Gripe. But tell the captain lie is the son of be a shipboard?

a whore ! Sca. There is an unlucky fate, that often hur- Scu. Yes, sir. ties men to mischief, sir.

Gripe. A dogbolt. Gripe. Scapin, thou must now act the part of Sca. I shall, sir. a faithtul servant.

Gripe. A thief! a robber! and that he forces Sra. As bow, sir?

me to pay him two hundred pounds contrary 10 Gripe. Thou must go bid the pirate send me all law or equity.

Sca. Nay, let me alone with him.

Enter Octavian and LEANDER. Gripe. That I will never forgive him, dcad or Well, sir, I have succeeded in your business ; alive.

there's two hundred pounds, which I have Sca. Very good.

squeezed out of your father. Gripe. And that if ever I light on him, I'll Oct. Triumphant Scapin ! murder him privately, and feed dogs with him. Sca. But for you I can do nothing, [He puts up his purse and is going away.

[To Leander. Sca. Right, sir.

Lean. Then may I go hang myself. Friends Gripe. Now, make haste, and go and redeem both, adieu ! my son.

Sca. Dy'e hear, dy'e hear? the devil has no Sca. Ay; but dy'e hear, sir ? where's the mo- such necessity for you yet, that you need ride ncy?

post. With much ado I've got your business Gripe. Did I not give it thee.

done, too. Scu. Indeed, sir, you made me believe you Lean, Is't possible ? would, but you forgot, and put it in your pocket Sca. But on condition that you permit me to again.

revenge myself on your father, for the trick he Gripe. Ah-ny griefs and fears fot my son has served me. make me do I know not what!

Leun. With all my heart ; at thy own discreSca. Ay, sir ; I see it does indeed.

tion, good honest Scapin. Gripe. What a devil did he do a shipboard? Sca. Hold your hand ; there's two hundred damned pirate ! damned renegade ! all the de- pounds. vils in hell pursue thee !

[Erit. Lean. My thanks are too many to pay now : Sca. How easily a miser swallows a load, and Farewell, dear son of Mercury, and be prosper how difficultly be disgorges a grain ! but I'll not rous. leave him so; he's like to pay in other cuin, for Sca. Gramercy, Pupil. Hence we gather. telling tales of me to his son.

Give son the money, hang up father.




there is something in your Octavian that ex.

tremely refreshes my memory of him. Enter Lucia and Clara.

Cla. I wish we inight be so happy as we are

inclined to hope ; but there's a strange blind Luc. Was ever such a trick played, for us side in our natures, which always makes us to run away from our governesses, where our apt to believe, what we most earnestly desire. careful fathers had placed us, to follow a couple Luc. The worst, at last, is but to be forsaken of young gentlemen, only because they said they by our fathers : and, for my part, I had rather loved us? I think 'twas a very noble enterprize! lose an old father than a young lover, when I I am afraid the good fortune, we shall get will may with reputation keep him, and secure myvery hardly recompense the reputation we have self against the imposition of fatherly authority. lost by it.

Cla. How upsufferable is it to be sacrificed to Cla. Our greatest satisfaction is, that they are the arms of a nauseous blockhead, that has no men of fashion and credit; and, for iny part, I other sense than to eat and drink, when 'tis prolong ago resolved not to marry any other, nor vided for him, rise in the morning, and go to such ap one either, till I had a perfect conhr- bed at night, and with much ado be permation of his love; and 'twas an assurance of suaded to keep himself clean! Octavian's that brought me bither.

Luc. A thing of mere flesh and blood, and Luc. I must confess, I had no less a sense of that of the worst sort too, with a squinting meathe faith and honour of Leander.

gre hany-doy countenance, that looks as if he Clar. But seems it not wonderful, that the always wanted physic for the worms. circumstances of our fortune should be so Cla. Yet such their silly parents are genenearly allied, and ourselves so much strangers? rally most indulgent to; like apes, never so well Besides, If I mistake not, I see something in pleased as when they are fondling with their Leander, so much resembling a brother of mine ugly issue. of the same name, that, did not the time since Luc. Twenty to one, but to some such charm I saw him make me fearful, I should be often ing creatures our careful fathers had designed apt to call him so.

Luc. I have a brother too, whose name's Oc- Cla. Parents think they do their daughters tavian, bred in Italy, and just as my father took the greatest kindness in the world, when they his voyage, returned home ; not knowing where get them fools for their husbands; and yet are to find me, I believe is the reason I have not very apt to take it ill, if they make the right seen him yet. But if I deceive not myself, I use of them.


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