Æsop. 'Tis an honest profession. I hope, sir, for the general good of mankind, you are in some public employment. Gent. So I am, sir; no thanks to the court. Esop. Who have made you- Esop. Sir, I reverence you. [Bowing. Gent. Sir, you may reverence as low as you please; but I shall spare none of you. Sir, I am entrusted by my country with above ten thousand of their grievances, and in order to redress 'em, my design is to hang ten thousand courtiers. Esop. Why, 'tis making short work, I must confess. But are you sure, sir, that would do't? Gent. Sure!-ay, sure. Esop. How do you know? Gent. Why, the whole country says so, and I at the head of 'em. Now let me see who dares say the contrary. Æsop. Not I, truly. But, sir, if you won't take it ill, I'll ask you a question or two. Gent. Sir, I shall take ill what I please; and if you, or e'er a courtier of you all, pretend the contrary, I say it's a breach of privilege., Now put your question, if you think fit. Esop. Why then, sir, with all due regard to your character, and your privilege too, I would be glad to know what you chiefly complain of? Gent. Why, sir, I do chiefly complain, that we have a great many ships, and very little trade; a great many tenants, and very little money; a great many soldiers, and very little fighting; a great many gazettes, and little good news; a great many statesmen, and very little wisdom; a great many parsons, and not an ounce of religion. Esop. Why truly, sir, I do confess these are grievances very well worth your redressing. I perceive you are truly sensible of our diseases, but I'm afraid you are a little out in the cure. Gent. Sir, I perceive you take me for a country physician but you shall find, sir, that a country doctor is able to deal with a court quack; and to show you that I do understand something of the state of the body politic, I will tell you, sir, that I have heard a wise man say, the court is the stomach of the nation, in which, if the business be not thoroughly digested, the whole carcass will be in disorder. Now, sir, I do find by the latitude of the members, and the vapours that fly into the head, that this same stomach is full of indigestions, which must be removed. And therefore, sir, I am come post to town with my head full of crocus metallorum, and design to give the court a vomit. Esop. Sir, the physic you mention, though necessary sometimes, is of too violent a nature to be used without a great deal of caution. I'm afraid you are a little too rash in your prescriptions. Is it not possible you may be mistaken in the cause of the distemper? Gent. Sir, I do not think it possible I should be mistaken in anything. Esop. Have you been long a senator? Esop. Have you been much about town? Esop. Have you conversed much with men of business? Gent. No, sir. Esop. Have you made any serious inquiry into the present disorders of the nation? Gent. No, sir. Esop. Have you ever heard what the men now employed in business have to say for themselves? Gent. No, sir. Esop. How then do you know they deserve to be punished for the present disorders in your affairs Gent. I'll tell you how I know. Esop. I would be glad to hear. Gent. Why, I know by this-I know it, I say. by this that I'm sure on't.-And to give y demonstration that I'm sure on't, there's not one man in a good post in the nation-but I'd give my vote to hang him. Now I hope you are convinced. Esop. As for example: the first minister f state, why would you hang him? Gent. Because he gives bad counsel. Esop. And who would you put in his room? Gent. Myself. Esop. The secretary of state, why would you hang him? Gent. Because he has not good intelligence. Esop. How do you know ? Gent. I have heard so. Esop. And who would you put in his place? Gent. My father. Esop. The treasurer, why would you hang him Gent. Because he does not understand his basi Gent. My brother. Esop. And the general, why would you hang him Gent. Because he took ne'er a town last cam paign. Esop. And how do you know 'twas in his postr Gent. Why I don't care a souse whether it w in his power or not. But I have a son at bone, brave chopping lad; he's been captain in the litia these twelve months, and I'd be glad to him in his place. What do ye stare for, sir? Egad I tell you he'd scour all to the devil. He Numphs is downright, that's his play. You none of your fencers, none of your sa-sam see his courage in his face: he has a pair of cheeks like two bladders, a nose as flat as your hand, and a forehead like a bull. Esop. In short, sir, I find if you and your family were provided for, things would soon grow better than they do. Gent. And so they would, sir. Clap me at the head of the state, and Numphs at the head of the army; he with his club-musket, and I with my club-headpiece, we'd soon put an end to your business. Esop. I believe you would indeed. And there. fore since I happen to be acquainted with your extraordinary abilities, I am resolved to give the king an account of you, and employ my interest with him, that you and your son may have the posts you desire. Gent. Will you, by the Lord?-Give me your fist, sir-the only honest courtier that ever I met with in my life. Esop. But, sir, when I have done you this mighty piece of service, I shall have a small request to beg of you, which I hope you won't refuse me. Gent. What's that? Esop. Why 'tis in behalf of the two officers who are to be displaced to make room for you and your son. Gent. The secretary and the general ? Esop. The same. 'Tis pity they should be quite out of business; I must therefore desire you'll let me recommend one of 'em to you for four bailiff, and t'other for your huntsman. Gent. My bailiff and my huntsman !-Sir, that's not to be granted. Esop. Pray, why? Gent. Why because one would ruin my land, nd t'other would spoil my fox-hounds. Esop. Why do you think so? Gent. Why do I think so!-These courtiers vill ask the strangest questions !-Why, sir, do ou think that men bred up to the state and the my, can understand the business of ploughing nd bunting? Esop. I did not know but they might. Gent. How could you think so? Esop. Because I see men bred up to ploughing nd hunting, understand the business of the state nd the army. Gent. I'm shot-I ha'nt one word to say for yself-I never was so caught in my life. Esop. I perceive, sir, by your looks what I ave said has made some impression upon you; nd would perhaps do more if you would give it ave.-[Taking his hand.] Come, sir, though I m a stranger to you, I can be your friend; my avour at court does not hinder me from being a over of my country. 'Tis my nature as well as rinciples to be pleased with the prosperity of nankind. I wish all things happy, and my study s to make them so. The distempers of the overnment (which I own are great) have emloyed the stretch of my understanding, and he deepest of my thoughts, to penetrate the ause, and to find out the remedy. But, alas! all the product of my study is this:—that I find there is too near a resemblance between the diseases of the state and those of the body, for the most xpert minister to become a greater master in one than the college is in t'other: and how far their skill extends you may see by this lump upon my back. Allowances in all professions there must be, since 'tis weak man that is the weak professor. Believe me, senator, for I have seen the proof on't; the longest beard amongst us is a fool. Could you but stand behind the curtain, and there observe the secret springs of state, you'd see in all the good or evil that attends it, ten ounces of chance for one grain either of wisdom or roguery. You'd see, perhaps, a venerable statesman Sit fast asleep in a great downy chair; Whilst in that soft vacation of his thought, Blind chance (or what at least we blindly call so) Shall so dispose a thousand secret wheels, That when he wakes he needs but write his name, To publish to the world some bless'd event, For which his statue shall be raised in brass. Perhaps a moment thence you shall behold him Torturing his brain; his thoughts all stretch'd upon The rack for public service: the livelong night, When all the world's at rest, Consumed in care, and watching for their safety, In spite of him some mischief shall befal 'em, Gent. Now I do believe I am beginning to be a wise man; for I never till now perceived I was a fool. But do you then really believe, sir, our men in business do the best they can ? Esop. Many of 'em do: some perhaps do not. But this you may depend upon; he that is out of business is the worst judge in the world of him that is in first, because he seldom knows anything of the matter: and, secondly, because he always desires to get his place. : Gent. And so, sir you turn the tables upon the plantiff, and lay the fool and knave at his door. Esop. If I do him wrong, I'm sorry for't. Let him examine himself, he'll find whether I do [Exit. or not. Gent. Examine !-I think I have had enough of that already. There's nothing left, that I know of, but to give sentence: and truly I think there's no great difficulty in that. A very pretty fellow I am indeed! Here am I come bellowing and roaring two hundred miles post to find myself an ass; when with one quarter of an hour's consideration I might have made the self-same discovery, without going over my threshold. Well! if ever they send me on their errand to reform the state again, I'll be damned. But this I'll do: I'll go home and reform my family if I can: them I'm sure I know. There's my father's a peevish old coxcomb: there's my uncle's a drunken old sot: there's my brother's a cowardly bully: son Numphs is a lubberly whelp: I've a great ramping daughter, that stares like a heifer; and a wife's that's a slatternly sow. [Exit. SCENE III. Enter a young, gay, airy Beau, who stands smiling contemptibly upon Æsop. Æsop. Well, sir, what are you? Esop. That's impossible; for if thou wer't thou'dst think thyself a wise man. Beau. No, sir: I'm a favourite at court, and I portion. neither know myself nor anybody else. Æsop. Are you in any employment? Beau. Yes. Esop. What is't? Beau. I don't know the name on't. Esop. You know the business on't, I hope ? Beau. That I do the business of it is-to put in a deputy, and receive the money. Esop. Pray what may be your name? Esop. Where do you live? Beau. In the side-box. Esop. What do you do there? Beau. I ogle the ladies. Esop. To what purpose? Beau. To no purpose. Esop. Why then do you do it? Beau. Because they like it, and I like it. Æsop. Pray sir, what age are you? Beau. Five-and-twenty, my body; my head's about fifteen. Esop. Is your father living? Beau. Dead, thank God. Esop. Has he been long so? Beau. Positively yes. Esop. Where were you brought up? Beau. At school. Esop. What school? Beau. The school of Venus. Æsop. Were you ever at the university? Esop. What study did you follow there? Esop. How long did you stay? Beau. Till I had lost my maidenhead. Beau. Because I was expelled. Esop. Where did you go then? Esop. Who took care of 'your education there? Æsop. What did you gain by them? Beau. A minuet and the pox. Æsop. Have you an estate? Esop. And pray what sort of wife would you be willing to throw yourself away upon ? Beau. Why, upon one that has youth, beauty, quality, virtue, wit, and money. Esop. And how may you be qualified yourself, to back you in your pretensions to such a one? Beau. Why, I am qualified with-a periwigsnuff box-a feather-a-smooth face-a fool's head -and a patch. Æsop. But one question more: what settlements can you make? Beau. Settlements !-why, if she be a very great heiress indeed, I believe I may settle-myself upon her for life, and my pox upon her children for ever. Æsop. 'Tis enough; you may expect I'll serve you, if it lies in my way. But I would not have you rely too much upon your success, because people sometimes are mistaken; as for example An ape there was of nimble parts, Rich in his dress, of splendid show, He was content, So Fortune had but kindly sent These bounties he accepts as proof To which he'd please to do the favour. In short, so smooth his matters went, He guess'd, where'er his thoughts were bent, The lady he must carry. So put on a fine new cravat, He comb'd his wig, he cock'd his hat, And gave it out he'd marry. But here, alas! he found to's cost, The first fair she he had in chace, But when he came To urge his flame, She scratch'd him o'er the face. With that he went among the bitches, That cats and dogs are of a mind, Beau. 'Tis very well ;-'tis very well, old spark; I say 'tis well. Because I han't a pair of plod very shoes and a dirty shirt, you think a woman won't venture upon me for a husband. Why now to show you, old father, how little you philosophers know of the ladies-I'll tell you an adventure of a friend of mine. A band, a bob-wig, and a feather, Told her, if she would please to wed Old solemn truth, With books and morals into bed, The Bob he talk'd of management, He said 'twas wealth gave joy and mirth, When these two blades had done, d'ye see, And off they went together. There's a tale for your tale, old dad, and so serviteur ! [Exit. You dread reformers of an impious age, To reduce the power exorbitant of hell; Rig out your wives and daughters all around, These are the terms, on which you may engage What aids you then will send to help us through Through baffled toils, and unsuccessful cares, the war. To this we answer, We're a feeble state, But since your cause is good, thus far we'll go, When Portugal declares, we'll do so too. In slaughter, blood, and wounds, and pious snares, Ye have made a Flanders war these fifteen hundred |