not

Jack. Why, Mrs. Betty, surely sister could

Betty. When she very well knows that I have not sent cards but twice the whole season.

Jack. Lord! what signi

Betty. What would she say, if she visited the great families I do? For though I am as I may say but a commoner, no private gentlewoman's gentlewoman, has a more prettier set of acquaintance. Jack. Well, but

Betty. My routs indeed!-There is Mrs. Allspice, who lives with lady Cicely Sequence, has six tables every Sunday, besides looers, and braggers; and moreover proposes giving a masquerade, the beginning of June, and I intends being there.

Jack. Well, but to talk calmly.

Betty. And as miss is so fond of fetching and carrying, you may tell her we are to have a private play among ourselves, as the quality have: the Distrustful Mother, 'tis call'd -Pylades, by Mr. Thomas, lord Catastrophe's butler-Hermione, Mrs. Allspice; and I shall do Andromache myself. Jack. A play! lord, Mrs. Betty, will you give me a ticket?

Betty. All's one for that-and so you may tell miss that [bell rings] coming, madam, this minute -and that, Mr. John, is the long and the short on't.-bell rings again] lord, I am coming. [Exit. Enter Woodford to Jack.

Woodf. What's the matter?

Jack. Here, Betty, my mother's fac totum, has just discover'd your haunts; and is gone to lay an information against you-so depend upon it, a search warrant will issue directly.

Woodf. Stay but a moment, till I take leave of your sister.

Jack. Zooks! I tell you the constables will be here in a trice, so you have not a moment to lose.

A COMEDY.

Woodf. How unlucky this is!

39

Jack. But I hope you have obtain'd a verdict however.

Woodf. No.

Jack. No!

Woodf. It would not have been decent, to have press'd the judge too soon for a sentence.

Jack. Soon!-You are a ninny, I tell you so: -here you will suffer judgment to go by default. -You are a pretty practitioner indeed!

Woodf. This, you may know, my dear Jack, is an equity case; I have but just fil'd my bill; one must give the parties time to put in an answer.

Jack. Time-How you may come off in court I can't tell, but you will turn out but a poor chamber counsel I fear.-Well, come along, perhaps I may be able to procure another hearing before it is-but, lord o'mercy! there is father crossing the hall-should he see us all's over-we have nothing for't but taking shelter with sister. [Exeunt.

END OF THE SECOND ACT.

OF THE

UNIVER T

RWI

ACT III.

Sir Luke Limp, Mrs. Circuit, Colonel Secret, and Mrs. Simper, discover'd at a table, with a collation before them.

Mrs. Circ.

OH! by the bye, sir Luke-take some of these. sweetmeats, my dear (to Mrs. Simper)-did not you promise to introduce to me that little agreeable piece of imperfection that belongs to the opera ?Colonel, won't you taste the champaign?

Sir Luke. Who, Signior Piano?-Let me assist Mrs. Simper. Why, madam, I made an attempt; but at present-shan't I send you a biscuit?-he is in the possession of a certain lady, who never suffers him out of her sight for a moment.

Mrs. Sim. Oh! the curmudgeon !-I am vastly fond of these custards.

Sir Luke. Yes, they have a delicate flavourbut he promised, if possible, to escape for an hour -won't you? [to Mrs. Circuit.]

Mrs. Circ. No, it gives me the heart-burn,Then let us leave him a cover.

Col. By all means in the world.

Mrs. Circ. But there is, likewise, another party,

for whom a place ought to be kept.

Mrs. Sim.

der.

Another! Who can that be I won

Mrs. Circ. A small appendix of mine.
Sir Luke. How, madam!

Mrs. Circ. You need not be jealous sir Luke-taste that tart, Mrs. Simper-it is only my husband the Serjeant.-Ha! ha ha!-Betty makes them herself.

Mrs. Sim. Oh! you abominable creature! How could such a thought come into your head?

Sir Luke.

Simper.]

Mrs. Sim.

Ma'am-[Offering sweetmeats to Mrs.

Not a bit more, I thank you.-I

swear and vow I should swoon at the sight. Mrs. Circ. And I should receive him with the polite indifference of an absolute stranger.

Sir Luke. Well said, my good lady Intrepid! But, notwithstanding, I would venture a trifle that his appearance would give you such an electrical

shock

Mrs. Circ. You are vastly deceived.

Sir Luke. Dare you come to the proof? Will you give me leave to introduce Mr. Serjeant? He

is not far off.

Mrs. Circ.

Sir Luke.

hall.

What, my husband?

Even he! I saw him as I enter'd the

Mrs. Circ. Impossible!

Sir Luke. Nay, then I must fetch him.

[Exit sir Luke. Col. I can't conceive what the knight would be at.

Mrs. Sim. Why, he is mad.

Mrs. Circ. Or turn'd fool.

Enter sir Luke, with the Serjeant's peruke on a block.

Sir Luke. Now, Madam, have I reason? Is this your husband or not?

Mrs. Sim. It is he; not the least doubt can be made.

of

Col. Yes, yes, it is the Serjeant himself.

Mrs. Circ. I own it; I acknowledge the lord my wishes. [Kisses the block.]

Mrs. Sim. All his features are there!

Col. The grave cast of his countenance !
Sir Luke. The vacant stare of his eye!

Mrs, Circ.

The livid hue of his lips!

The rubies with which his cheeks

Mrs. Sim. are enrich'd!

Cot. The silent solemnity when he sits on the bench !

Mrs. Circ. We must have him at table: but pray good folks let my husband appear like himself. I'll run for the gown.

Mrs. Sim. By all means in the world.
Sir Luke. Dispatch, I beseech you.

[Exit.

Mrs. Circuit returns with a gown and band. Mrs. Circ. Sir Luke, lend your assistance. Col. There, place him at the head of the table. [They fix the head at the back of a chair, and place it at table; then all sit.]

Mrs. Sim.

husband.

Madam, you'll take care of your

Mrs. Circ. my duty. Mrs. Sim. Oh, madam! I know that very well. Sir Luke. Come, Hob or Nob, master Circuit -let us try if we can't fuddle the Serjeant.

I don't want to be put in mind of

Col. O, fie! I have a proper respect for the coif. Mrs. Sim. Don't be too facetious, sir Luke: it is not quite so safe to sport with the heads of the law; you don't know how soon you may have a little business together.

Sir Luke. But come, the Serjeant is sulky.—I have thought of a way to divert him :-You know he is never so happy as when he is hearing a cause; suppose we were to plead one before him; Mrs. Circuit and I to be counsel, the Colonel the clerk, and Mrs. Simper the cryer.

Mrs. Circ. The finest thought in the world! And stay, to conduct the trial with proper solemnity, let's rummage his wardrobe; we shall there be able to equip ourselves with suitable dresses. Sir Luke. Alons, alons!