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“ And he stirred it round and round and round,
And he sniffed at the foaming froth; When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals
In the scum of the boiling broth.
“ And I eat that cook in a week or less,
And - as I eating be
The last of his chops, why, I almost drops,
For a wessel in sight I see !
“ And I never larf, and I never smile,
And I never lark nor play,
But sit and croak, and a single joke
I have - which is to say:-
"Oh, I am a cook, and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy brig, And a bo’sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig!!”
THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-F0o.
FROM east and south the holy clan
Of bishops gathered to a man;
To Synod, called Pan-Anglican,
In flocking crowds they came.
Among them was a bishop who
Had lately been appointed to
The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo,
And Peter was his name.
His people — twenty-three in sum-
They played the eloquent tum-tum,
And lived on scalps served up in rum -
The only sauce they knew.
When first good Bishop Peter came
(For Peter was that bishop's name),
To humor them, he did the same
As they of Rum-ti-Foo.
His flock, I've often heard him tell,
(His name was Peter) loved him well,
And summoned by the sound of bell,
In crowds together came.
“Oh, massa, why you go away ?
Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay."
(They called him Peter, people say,
Because it was his name.)
He told them all good boys to be,
And sailed away across the sea;
At London Bridge that bishop he
Arrived one Tuesday night;
And as that night he homeward strode
To his Pan-Anglican abode,
He passed along the Borough Road,
And saw a grewsome sight.
He saw a crowd assembled round
A person dancing on the ground,
Who straight began to leap and bound
With all his might and main.
To see that dancing man he stopped,
Who twirled and riggled, skipped and hopped,
Then down incontinently dropped,
And then sprang up again.
The bishop chuckled at the sight.
“ This style of dancing would delight
A simple Rum-ti-Foozleite:
I'll learn it if I can,
To please the tribe when I get back.”
He begged the man to teach his knack.
“Right reverend sir, in half a crack !"
Replied that dancing man.
The dancing man he worked away,
And taught the bishop every day;
The dancer skipped like any fay -
Good Peter did the same.
The bishop buckled to his task,
With battements, cut and pas de basque.
(I'll tell you, if you care to ask,
That Peter was his name.)
“ Come, walk like this,” the dancer said; “ Stick out your toes
stick in your head, Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread —
Your fingers thus extend;
The att tude's cridered quaint."
The weary bisho), feeling faint,
Replied, “I do not say i ain't,
But • Time!' my Christian friend !”
« We now proceed to something new :
Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do,
Like this -one, two — one, two — one, two."
The bishop, neer proud,
But in an overwhelming heat
(His name w 3 P-ter, I repeat)
Perform d he Payne and Lauri feat,
And puffed his thanks aloud.
Another game the dancer planned
" 'ust take your ankle in your hand,
And try, my lord, if you can stand
Your body stiff and stark.
If when revisiting your see
You learnt to hop on shore, like me,
The novelty would striking be,
And must attract remark.”
GENTLE ALICE BROWN.
It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown;
Her father was the terror of a small Italian town;
Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing:
But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing.
As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day,
A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way;
She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true,
That she thought, “I could be happy with a gentleman like you !"
And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen;
She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten;
A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road
(The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abodo).
But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise
To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes;
So she sought the village priest to whom her family confessed,
The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed.
“O holy father," Alice said, “'twould grieve you, would it not,
To discover that I was a most disreputable lot ?
Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one!”
The padre said, “ Whatever have you been and gone and done ? "
“ I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad,
I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad,
I've planned a little burglary and forged a little cheque,
And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck !”
The worthy pastor heaved a sigh, and dropped a silent tear,
And said, “ You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear:
It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece;
But sins like these one expiates at half-a-crown apiece.
“Girls will be girls — you're very young, and flighty in your mind;
Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find;
We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks –
five crimes at half-a-crown - exactly twelve-and-six." “O father," little Alice cried, “your kindness makes me weep, You do these little things for me so singularly cheap; Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget; But oh! there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet! “A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes, I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching dies; He passes by it every day as certain as can be I blush to say I've winked at him and he has winked at me!” " For shame!” said Father Paul, “ my erring daughter! On my word, This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard. Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band !
“This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so! They are the most remunerative customers I know; For many, many years they've kept starvation from my
doors : I never knew so criminal a family as yours !
“The common country folk in this insipid neighborhood
Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good;
And if you marry any one respectable at all,
Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of Father Paul ?"
The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown,
And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber Brown
To tell him how his daughter, who was now for marriage fit,
Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it.
Good Robber Brown he muffled up his anger pretty well;
He said, “I have a notion, and that notion I will tell:
I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits,
And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits.
“I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two:
Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do -
A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall
When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small."
He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square;
He watched his opportunity, and seized him unaware ;
He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head,
And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed.
And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind;
She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind;
Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand
On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band.
THE CAPTAIN AND THE MERMAIDS.
I sing a legend of the sea,
So hard-a-port upon your lea!
A ship on starboard tack !
She's bound upon a private cruise -
(This is the kind of spice I use
To give a salt-sea smack).
Behold, on every afternoon
(Save in a gale or strong monsoon)
Great Captain Capel Cleggs
(Great morally, though rather short)
Sat at an open weather-port
And aired his shapely legs.
And mermaids hung around in flocks,
On cable chains and distant rocks,
To gaze upon those limbs ;
For legs like those, of flesh and bone,
Are things "not generally known"
To any merman timbs.