HUMAN SACRIFICES. HUMAN SACRIFICES AT OXFORD. The researches of our eminent fellow countryman Professor Ppfeindittout, of Bonn University, have effectually proved that human sacrifices did actually take place at Oxford in the dark ages between the years 1000 and 2000 of the present era. There seems to be little doubt that the main reason for which the University was founded was to encourage the practice of human sacrifice. The learned Professor is able to detect traces of the custom in the names of the Colleges which still remain, for instance Brasenose was the 'Bruising house,' where by the barbarous medium of large wooden clubs and heavy leather balls the bodies of the victims were rendered more palatable to the offended deities; at another College, now called Wadham, the victims were weighed, hence the name, Weighed 'em," which has gradually become corrupted into Wadham.' 66 No detailed account of the whole sacrificial ceremony has come down to us, but from the Fragments of Liddellianus which are extant, it appears that the unfortunate. beings who were destined to figure in the rite were first summoned to attend at the porch of the University Church to be examined as to their fitness to become victims. We gather from a partially destroyed fragment of MS, on which only the words "in parviso pro formâ respondit" are legible, that this was a mere form, and that when once the unfortunate persons were selected their 83 doom was sealed; this is implied in the flippant parenthesis "pro formâ." Yes, doomed to the sacrifice! from the prisons ('quoddi' or 'quaddes') the wretched beings on the appointed day come to the place of torment, for the torment preceded their destruction. Clad in robes of black to signify the hopelessness of their case, with a white band around their throats to show that the evening of their days was come, they are brought into the presence of the sacrificing priests. Not yet, however, is the end of their misery: for three days are they kept in suspense, for three days each one is tied down to a table and obliged to write, write, write; this is to make them an easier prey to the knife of the slayer. Then they are let loose to taste once more the sweets of freedom but only for a time. time. Ere long the fiat goes forth and the victim returns to meet his fate. For the details of the next stage of the ceremonial we have to guide us a fragment of Liddellianus, in which the following words occur, 66 atus vivâ voce." Assisted by the learned Commentaries of Ppuffendartt we see the whole scene spread before us; we see the unfortunate candidatus' summoned to take his place at the sacrificial table; his ears are first bored by the attendant minions, then the knives of the ministers (called Examinatores) flash round him, and then comes the end. Terrible indeed is that end alike for slayer and slain. "Vivâ voce !" with the last breath of life the miserable victim shrieks out a protest against the inhumanity of his persecutors, and all is still. The deed is done! But there are yet other horrors. In the fragment No. 33a, we find the words "Candidatum est examinator." What can this mean? It can alas! only have one meaning. Let us translate the passage: Examinator, the examiner, est eats, Candidatum, the candidate. Thus the sacrifice is consummated by cannibalism. We had imagined until quite lately that the victims were of the male sex only, but the researches of Professor Krackenjau have conclusively proved that women were also the subjects of this inhuman practice. He has discovered a copy of a publication of the 19th century which throws a considerable amount of light on the question. The document is in a very fragmentary condition and the name is torn off, but still it posseses some considerable value for us. The Professor, after stating that many of the victims were worried, argues as follows, 'There is in the paper a description of a large number of victims or candidates entering the sacrificial arena, [presumably taking their wives with them, and the narrative BLUE MOONSHINE. Mingled aye with fragrant yearnings, Throbbing in the mellow glow, Glint the silvery spirit-burnings Pearly blandishments of woe. Aye! for ever and for ever, Whilst the love-lorn censers sweep, relates with an alarming suggestiveness, that they all came out bachelors.' Think of the awful fate that awaited those poor women before the bloodthirsty miscreants to whom the society of lovely woman is prohibited, before those wretches who are butchers and bachelors by profession. And then after the dreadful scene is over, not content with glutting themselves over the carcases of their victims, these degraded butchers publish a list classifying their victims as having been of good, bad, and indifferent taste.' Nor is this all-they send to the representatives of the defunct a bitter galling message, whereof a specimen is still extant, to prove that their appetite was sated and the sacrifice consummated. The message, which is in the form of a certificate, runs as follows: "A. B e Coll C. D. satisfecit nobis Examinatoribus. "E. G. "H. K." Yes, their brutal tastes have been satisfied, and they lie gorged till the day of the next sacrifice. Let us thank Evolution that such customs are as dead as the English language and the once boasted might of barbarous Britain. BY O'PSHAWNESSY. Shall the soul's delirious slumber, Sea-green vengeance of a kiss, Teach despairing crags to number Blue infinities of bliss? AN AMERICAN IN OXFORD. AN AMERICAN IN OXFORD. AFTER contemplating the outside of the Schools we entered to interview the interior; we saw a great number of young men in the usual academic costume. I took them at first for parsons as they all wore the white tie, which distinguishes clergymen, waiters, and evening partyists from ordinary people. My guide informed me that this was the regulation tie, because in days gone by men used to con. ceal the dates of kings, battles, &c., and other means of supplying a defective memory in the folds of their cravats. My guide told me this place was a remarkable proof of the growth of democratic principles in England, as it was open to all classes great and small. I could see by the look of his countenance that he had got rid of a joke, but not having brought out my microscope I could not make it out. I make a present of it to my readers. I asked him what was supposed to be going on. He said men were undergoing a vivâ voce examination. They looked to me as if they were being tried for arson in the first degree, and didn't seem to anticipate an acquittal either. Some were chewing the ends of their pens, while others were apparently trying to tickle their brains from the outside. My guide introduced me to one of the Examiners as "an illustrious American travelling to complete his education" and I entered into conversation with him. After talking on various topics for some time the Examiner asked me if I could 85 give him any information with reference "Are there then," he cried, “any of that noble tribe still wandering over their native prairies!" I replied, "I don't know what you mean about' noble tribe,' but if its 'red injuns' you're enquiring after I grieve to say that there are still many of those infernal parasites roosting beneath the plumes of our glorious eagle, and gnawing at its entrails." (I've a dim idea that there is a sort of confusion of metaphor involved in that otherwise thunderous sentence, but I was carried away by enthusiasm, and my eloquence was wound up to Congress pitch). "There's nothing would give the United States such a sense of relief as to hear the last of the red Indian." The Examiner here made a feeble joke about some one being sure to murder him in his poem. said, “I'll guarantee anyone who does it in reality an honorary membership of our Senate for life." I He said, "You don't seem to hold the noble Indian in very high estimation." "No we don't, because we know him. Fenimore Cooper and Chateaubriand Chateaubriand have done the mischief by trying to make him out respectable, but they're the sort of people who'd make a archangel out of a scavenger. No, you believe me, stranger, of all the ornery, unredeemed, slimebegotten vermin the Injun is first and no one else anywhere. Don't you be taken in by any description of his happy wigwam, because no white man has ever entered one of those burrows and returned to tell the tale, he has always died of the concentrated essence of centuries of filth. Faithful to his wife? Of course he is, and you've only got to look at one of those squaws to recognize the difficulty with which any human being with two eyes and a nose could come to tolerate one of such creatures, and the utter impossibility of a man ever falling in love with more than one. "Corrupted by the white man! I should like to set eyes on the white man who could teach him any mischief he didn't know already, and I would vote for his immediate suspension without judge or jury. "These 'Injuns' have got no more conscience than a wooden horse. I found one once who'd tried no less than 16 different religions, for a small inducement by the leaders of the several sects, who liked to have him figure in their 'converted' account book at the end of the year, and this old sinner had at last settled down to the Roman Catholic persuasion because there were more ends of candles and such articles of consumption to be stolen during divine service. No, the Injun is a liar and thief by nature, and the whole tenor of his education is to perfect him in that path in which it has pleased Providence to call him. I have passed over that little defect in his character of encouraging the use of false hair by appropriating that of every one he comes across. No, his character is well summed up in the words Injuns is pizen."" The Examiner thanked me for my suggestions and we parted. I went to a wine that night and brought away rather more of it that I am licensed to carry, consequently I saw a good deal of table turning, illumination, &c. Thinking to cool my heated brow I strolled towards Christ Church, and leaning against a lamp-post my imagination peopled the air with the ghosts of the great dead. While thus dreaming I saw a form approach, clad in the strange garb of a bygone day, and followed by a brilliant retinue. My heart stood still. Surely this must be the shade of the great Wolsey haunting the place that he founded. On came the weird group. Unable to stand it any longer I rushed forward and fell on my knees. "Shade of the great Garnet, behold thy humble serv " "Are you a member of this University?" broke in the apparition in the tone and accents of an Englishman of the 19th century. It was the Proctor, "No," I replied. "No," I replied. "Then begone." I be SIR, JUNIUS. A LETTER OF JUNIUS. (In the possession of FRIAR TUCK.) The meanness of your social position would amply shield you from the notice of my pen, were it not that, by thrusting yourself among gentlemen, you compel the abhorrence of those who otherwise would not take the trouble to despise you. As a surgeon in the interests of humanity does not hesitate to meddle with the most disgusting sores, so I but act as a philanthropist in applying the caustic of contempt to the most revolting pustule on the face of this University. I have heard, Sir, that you think yourself a gentleman. If this report be true you are either duped by the most arrant fool at large in the Universe, or else you have been deprived by a too merciful Providence of that faculty of discrimination enjoyed even by the lowest animals. Some phases indeed of your conduct point to this latter as the true explanation. You listen, Sir, approvingly to the fawning falsehoods of the vilest scum this city can produce and upon the evidence of a perjured parasite you impute to some guileless gentleman crimes which your accusation suggests to him for the first time. You treat as a criminal the man who omits for an hour to array himself in mediæval mummery, and forget, Sir, that the fact of yourself being decked in similar frippery is a more than sufficient excuse for his conduct. In your own rooins you ape the ferocity of an inquisitor, but only achieve the 87 pomposity of a snob. How, Sir, can you imagine that you will be respected in the morning by a gentleman, who at nightfall saw you lurking in some congenial alley, like a murderer's wraith haunting the scene of his early crimes. There are some unbiassed men who wish to give even the Devil his due. I, Sir, will do more and give you yours. Your profound knowledge of the purlieus of Oxford is only equalled by the fertility of your imagination in ascribing base motives to the men you may find in them. You treat as a reprobate the christian, who, undeterred by distance, frequents a Church where the ritual is pleasing to him; you lie in ambush at the porch and change to bitter mockery the benediction still ringing in the worship. per's ears. But hold-enough! I wish not to check your career of vileness-I loathe you too much for that. May you, Sir, prosper in your iniquity and ever catch the innocent by your vulpine vigilance. May you never meet with one victim who deserves his fateand thus no lucid interval of repentance will shed a ray of comfort upon an old age of mumbling despair; an old age in which your self-tormenting brain will be prevented from finding refuge in unconsciousness only by the searing coals of forgiveness heaped upon it by the victims of your authorised atrocity. JUNIUS. |