Zoetropes as she answered with a husky voice, "The bird is mine-I have a life interest in its gizzard." But, when Fitzmaurice had departed, the wretched woman sat down on one of the shafts of her humble home, and, interring her face in her hands, rocked to and fro, crooning the sad words, "And it was the Early Bird-the dear old early bird that used to call me at 5; and now-the worm, the worm, will gnaw the heart-strings of the Cabbage."

INTRODUCTION.

Every evening came the careful constable to tend his priceless plant-and then he sat upon the bunting's mossy grave, and with his little porringer upon his knees he ate his frugal meal. And by and by the thing became popular-and all the rural police, and even the Inspector, brought their little porringers and supped by turns on the bunting's tomb. But a worm will turn, and the EARLY ONE worked night and day.

PRELUDE.

And the price of porringers went up, and their makers became rich and bloated and took to drink and died; and the police left all parts of the country and thronged to the spot. Then Vice raised her head triumphant in the world whilst Virtue's champions supped. Meanwhile the early worm waxed fat and sniggered. Now it is an awful moment when a worm sniggers-thus the poliee were struck with remorse and they licked their spoons and laid down their porringers in neat rows,

201

and went their ways. and went their ways. Virtue once more brooded over the world.

PREFACE.

But Popanilla pined and pined, and at last she arose and sought Caleb von Winkelcraft, the philosopher, the friend and adviser of the man and the Mollusc, the Tadpole and the dove. He was reading aloud from a mystic tome bound in the hide of an Assyrian wombat, who, when the moon was in perigee and the sun entering Capricorn, died of measles under the shade of a prickly pear. And these were the words that Caleb read, "Starch indeed is invaluable as a therapeutic agent and when noiseless and free from acidity and heat is used by all families removing, as the only good sauce. It is not a dye. It instantly allays that tickling in the throat caused by excessive indulgence in second-hand safes, and, when rubbed in with a large sized box of Waverley Pens, forms a safe disinfectant for children cutting their teeth. Should this meet the eye"-but here Popanilla shrieked aloud and fled, that last home-thrust was too much for her, she thought of the eye of Fitzmaurice. Tears of remorse coursed athwart her dimpled brow.

TO THE READER.

Popanilla kneels by the bunting's tomb. She scratches up the soil with her jewelled fingers. She lays the dead bird's body in herlily palm. “Ah, sweet bird," she sighed, "how doubly dear you are to me now than when you fluttered in yon bush. I shall hear thy gentle voice no more, but Ha!

DD

The cup with trembling hands he grasps,-
Close to his thirsty lips he clasps
Ringed with its pewter rim-he gasps.

The eddying floor beneath him crawls,
He clutches at the flying walls,
Then like a lump of lead he falls.

Rise up, cold reverend, to a see.

Confound the unbeliever! Yet ne'er 'neath thee my seat will be

For ever and for ever.

Preach, softly preach, in lawn and be

A comely model liver,

But ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be For ever and for ever.

And here shall sleep thine Alderman,

And here thy pauper shiver, And here by thee shall buzz the 'she,'

For ever and for ever.

A thousand men shall sneer at thee,
A thousand women quiver,

But ne'er 'neath thee my seat shall be For ever and for ever.

Brenk, Break, Break!

My cups and my saucers, O scout. And I'm glad that my tongue can't utter The oaths that my soul points out.

It's well for the china shop man,

Who gets a fresh order each day; And deucedly well for yourself, Who are in the said China man's pay.

And my stately vases go

To your uncle's I ween to be cashed. But it's oh, for the light of my broken lamp, And the tick of my clock that is smashed.

Break, Break, Break!

At the foot of thy stairs in glee. But the coin I have spent in glass that is

smashed,

Will never come back to me.

MUCH.

203

WE have received from time to time numerous Prospectuses of new companies which have been formed, and shares in which we have been eagerly requested to take. For many reasons which it is unnecessary to lay before our readers, we have been obliged to refuse these kind offers, at the same time we are glad of an opportunity of bringing some of these schemes before the notice of the public, premising that we do not offer any opinion as to the desirability of investing in any of these companies.

We subjoin a very brief account of what seem to us to be the most promising of these schemes.

(i) A company has been formed to make Bursars courteous and polite by feeding them entirely upon Celery and White Soup.

(ii) The Proctor Prevention Company (Limited.)-By investing a small sum annually in this company, academical robes need never be worn, and Proctors may be faced with impunity, as the society undertakes to defray all fines incurred by members being found without cap and gown.

(iii) The Union Supply Association.-This Association has been formed for the purpose of supplying the Union with good speakers and interesting subjects for debate.

(iv) The Schools Site Solution Society.

-This Society proposes to solve the difficulty of choosing a site for the

new Schools by the following simple means. Moving the Bodleian to the Botanical Gardens, the Botanical Gardens to Shotover, Shotover to the Gut, the Gut to Keble Chapel, and Keble Chapel to Sandford Lasher.

(v) The Rhinoceros Acclimatisation Company.-Object-To substitute Rhinoceroses for Bull-dogs.

(vi) The Smalls Security Society.-By joining this Society Smalls become a certainty, Ploughs an impossibility. What Freshman is there who would not willingly pay the small sum of £5 to ensure his getting through this fearful ordeal with credit, and thus avoid the black looks of his Dons, the upbraidings of his Father, the tears of his Mother, and the jibes of his Schoolfellows? Various means are resorted to to effect this most desirable end, as for instance,

(a) Bribing Examiners.
(8) Forging Testamurs.

(y) Getting another man to go in
instead of the candidate.

(8) Breaking into the Examiners'

rooms and destroying or altering the Papers.

(vii) The Convocation Enlivening Company. -Object-To enliven Convocation by reading extracts from the "Shotover Papers" during the debates of that learned body.

(viii) The Eight Coaching Scheme.—The 'Varsity Eight are, according to the

A year of frolic and of jest,

A year of mirth and mimic war,This night shall be the merriest,

Though merry ones have gone before.

To night our bows shall be unstrung,
To night no thought that is not gay,
To night the merriest song be sung,
A cheery, jovial, roundelay.

But when our parting feast is o'er

We'll go forth in the soft moonlight, And see, as we shall see no more, Our Oxford shining pure and bright.

And as we gaze out o'er the plain

We'll cherish but a single thoughtThough ne'er a field without its slain, Nor Victory but by carnage bought,

of some relative. This will be found particularly useful about Derby Day, as with a bona fide in his hand, no Don, however strict, could possibly refuse leave.

(xi) The Unmarried Fellows Protection Society. Object To protect these harmless members of Society from the rapacious attacks of young ladies during the Long and Christmas Vacation. (xii) The Shotover Papers Suppression Society.-Capital £20,000,000.

FAREWELL.

That ever 'gainst the foes of Right,
If such there be, in aftertime
There may be found to fight the fight
Another trusty companye.

Nor care we for the scorn of those
Who cry that we are traitors all,
Because we seek old Oxford's foes
Within the circle of her wall.

If men come after us to wield

The bows that we have often bent, In skill to them we fain would yield But never in our fair intent.

Then let the loving cup go round,

Let each drink deep as bowmen should, Yea, and the bonds shall be unbound Of this our merry brotherhood. *

*

*

*

To-night my comrades there shall be Athwart the sky a lurid glare, And in the morning men shall see The ruins of the Château Vert.

ROBIN HOOD.

205

66