"What won't do?" says the other.

"This," says the waiter; and he puts his hand in the pocket on one side of the coat, and brings out two J. Puddicks. Then he does the same on the other side, and lays all four on the table; when, without a word, the gent leaps up, throws out one of his arms sudden, as if he wanted to get rid of it, and the waiter being right in the way, it hit him on his nose, and down he went, but only to come up again like so much indyrubber; when at it he goes, and catches my other fren' wherever he could hit; and for about five

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minutes they were at it hard, till them as looked on thought it time to pull 'em away from one another, for fear there shouldn't be no waiter left, nor no reg'lar customer for him to wait on; and then I come away.

You see that was doing it fillersophickly. I wanted to larrup the waiter for stopping my gravy, and giving me sarse instead; and I wanted to larrup my stout friend for sitting on me; and I reckon I did it butiful, without so much as taking a bit o' skin off my knuckles. But I ain't, as I said afore, been to Slobbs's since.

SCENE.

men, here is a fine piece of diaper. What can I get for this? What do I hear?-anything you please!"

"I'll start at fivepence." "Tenpence," says another. "Shilling and a halfpenny," says a third. Thirteen-pence!" cries an old lady-"Fourteen!"-"Fifteen!" several voices.

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Fifteen-pence I am offered! fifteen!-done at fifteen-pence, can't wait-going! g-o-i-n-g!-GONE! Yours, sir. Step up, whoever bid."

No one came up. All eyes staring in various parts of the room.

"Going, then, at fourteen-pence! walk up.

Yours, sir;

But the bidder could not be made to walk up. "Thirteen-pence, then, madam; you can have it at your bid."

"I didn't bid; what do you think I want of that article?" said the old lady indignantly.

"Here, I'll take it at a shilling and a halfpenny," exclaimed a voice at the other end of the room. All eyes were turned in that direction, but no claimant came forward.

"Who says they'll take it at thirteen-pence?" "I do," said an old farmer.

"I'm afraid it's stolen goods!" says the bidder. The auctioneer, now quite mad, sprang down, and was about collaring the old man, when a person right behind cried

The auctioneer turned round, when a big dog, apparently right at his heels, snuffed and barked most furiously. With a sudden spring upon his counter, he ordered the crowd to leave. An acquaintance at our elbow, no longer able to contain himself, burst into a loud laugh, as a genteel little man passed out at the door, who he told us was a ventriloquist.

A STAID and demure Quaker lady entered a dry goods establishment with the intention of making purchases. The salesman commenced praising his own goods at the expense of his neighbours', stating, at the same time, what great saving in

expense she would make by purchasing of him. She heard him silently for a time, and finished the conversation by quietly saying, "Friend C., what a pity it is that it is a sin to lie, when it seems so necessary in thy business!"

A COCKNEY at the Falls of Niagara, when asked how he liked the falls, replied, "They're handsome -quite so; but they don't quite answer my hexpectations; besides, I got thoroughly vetted, and lost me 'at. I prefer to look at em in an hingraving, in 'ot weather, and in the 'ouse."

A COUNTRY gentleman while strolling out with a Cockney friend-a genuine Cockney-approached

a meadow, in which was standing a crop of hay. The Cockney gazed at it wonderingly. It wasn't grass-it wasn't wheat-it wasn't turnip-tops. "Vy, vatever does you call this stuff?" said he to his companion. "That-why, hay, to be sure!" was the reply. "Ay! he, he! come, that's cutting it a little too thick! If that's 'ay, just show me the 'ay-corns-come, now!"

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AN author, after reading a play to Foote, was told that it would not do, by any means. "I wish, sir," said the writer, you could advise me what is best to do with it." "That I can," said the manager: "blot out one half and burn the other." COUNT TRACEY complaining to Foote that a man had ruined his character, So much the better," replied the wit; "it was a bad one, and the sooner it was destroyed the more to your advantage."

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FOOTE was one day invited to dinner at Merchant Taylors' Hall; and so well pleased was he with the entertainment, that he sat till the chief part of the company had left the hall. At length, Gentlemen, I wish you both rising, he said, very good night." "Both!" exclaimed one of the company; "why, you must be crazy, Foote; here are twenty of us-" "I have been counting you, and there are just eighteen; and as nine tailors make a man, I'm right-I wish you both very good night.”

FOOTE was talking away, one evening at the dinner-table, of a man of rank, when, at the point of one of his best stories, one of the party interrupted him suddenly, with an air of most considerate apology, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Foote, but your handkerchief is half out of your pocket." "Thank you, sir," said Foote, replacing it; "you know the company better than I do," and finished his joke.

FOOTE being at a nobleman's house, his lordship, as soon as dinner was over, ordered a bottle of Cape to be set on the table, which, after magnifying its good qualities, and in particular its age, he sent round the table in glasses that scarcely held a thimbleful. "Fine wine, upon my soul," says the wit, tasting, and smacking his lips. "Is it not very curious?" says his lordship. "Perfectly so, indeed," says the other; "I do not remember to have seen anything so little of its age in my life before."

FOOTE, having been invited to dine with the Duke of Leinster, at Dublin, gave the following account of his entertainment:-"As to the splendour, so far as it went, I admit it, there was a very fine sideboard of plate; and if a man could have

swallowed a silversmith's shop, there was enough to satisfy him; but as to all the rest, his mutton was white, his veal was red, the fish was kept too long, the venison not kept long enough: to sum up all, everything was cold, except his ice; everything sour, except his vinegar."

FOOTE, when travelling in the far west of England, dined one day at an inn. When the cloth was removed the landlord asked him how he liked his fare. "I have dined as well as any man in England," said Foote. Except Mr. Mayor," cried the landlord. "I do not except anybody

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whatever," said he. "But you must," bawled the host. "I won't." "You must." At length the strife ended by the landlord (who was a petty magistrate) taking Foote before the mayor, who observed it had been customary in that town, for a great number of years, always to except the mayor, and accordingly fined him a shilling for not conforming to this ancient custom. Upon this decision, Foote paid the shilling, at the same time observing that he thought the landlord the greatest fool in Christendom-except Mr. Mayor.

A MODEL PILL CERTIFICATE.

নে

WLL hale, benny facter of mankind. Your pills have made a new man of me. I shall be a hundred and atey years of aige next fust of April. I have been suffering from that dreadful dizeeze called informashun for upward of a hundred years. My doctor tohl me that ef I didn't hev sumthin dun for it soon, that it would get to be krounik, and then nuthin woodent kure it. Part of the time I was insane, so great was my agerny. Sumetimes I would be in sech pane that I koodent be moved without hairnessing on two yoke of ocksen. For three years I koodent neither lay nor set, so I was obleeged to roost. One day you cum along this way with a little green chist in yure hand and a blue cotton umbrella under yure left arm. You looked greener than your chist, so I thort you might still be honest. Sez I to you," Strainger, ken you give me sumthin that'll kure me or kill me?" Sez you to me (handin out a little tin box), "Take them akkording to the direkshuns; if they don't kure you, they will kill you, sure; they never labor in vane. One dollar, ef you pleze." I felt jest as thow I'd jest as lieve be killed as not, so I took the box, and you took the money. Wal, I swallered the pills, but it was the tuffest job I ever done. It went agin the grain as much as paying the rent does. But in two weeks I was a new man. I've been a new man ever since. The informashun has all gone into my brane, and I have seris thorts of studyin for the law. I think I could praktis at the bar. May the blessings of the widder and the fatherless follow you wherever you go, for you doctored their husbands and fathers! Yourn till death, JOHN SMITH.

BIG GENIUS.

A BIG genius is generally a phool; he knows how to do one or two things so much, that he aint fit

for ennything else; he iz like a grahound, good for running fast, that's all. Yu kant larn him nothing, enny more than you kan an eagle; he knows how to fill up and look at the sun without winking, bekause he was born so, and when he gets up on the peak ov the mountain and gets well lit, you kant git tew him, nor he won't cum tew you, but thare he sits till the dinner-bell rings. After dinner he flize oph agin, and you won't see him till supper-time. They are like mumys, verry curis critters, and keep a long time without spileing. If tha only had common sense, so that yu kould make taylers or shumakers ov them, thare would be some sense ov having the breed more plenty, but one or two iz aul that is proffitable tew hav on hand tew onst, and tha are enough to keep ennybody uneazy about what they are going tew dew next. Tha live about forty years ahead of the times, and when the world ketches up with the last one, another iz born, who spends most of his time in digging up the old bones that the last one buried. About the only thing they sho enny common sense in iz, that tha moste alwus die in det tew every bodey. The moste unfortunate thing about having a big genius on hand iz, that so many try tew imitate them, but they don't generally get any further up than their vices, and thus one big genius suckles a thousand phools. They don't generally liv happy, bekause they aint bilt right to fit things as they find them. They ought to have a grate place tew stop in, whare thare aint nothing but big generalitys to dew, and whare they kan play tost and ketch with the stars, and krack nuts with mountains. They are curious critters. They aint afraid tew straddle a hurry cane without enny bridle on, and stick in the spurs; but a mice nibbling in the wanescut will drive them barheaded into the streets. They kan plant, but they won't kultivate nor reap. If I waz a woman, I would az soon marry a porcupine as a big genius; they are either az hot az the stove in a skoolhouse, or as kold and unfeeling az the shoes on a ded omnibus hoss. A geniuz iz like a big comet, they appear onse in about so often, and makes everybody nervous, and then disappear; and tho we may not at the time be able to put our fingers on the individual good they have done us, still their visit is a big one, and the grate reser

voys are pumped up fuller, and we poor men, the rest ov us, when we stick our little fountains, find that the waters have been sweetened and freshened by sumbody.

"PAY AS YU GO."

THIS little maxim haz bin modestly at the sarviss ov the wurld for ages, supported by no pertickler pretenshuns tew rheterick, cadense, or pompus period, but brimfull and running over with praktikal philosophee and plebeian sense, adapted tew the latitude and longtitude of every humin kritter. It kontanes within its fore blessid monasilliables an analasis ov welth; it is fortin's steppin stone, and a letter ov credit nun kan distrust wherever it goas. It iz the right bower of ekonomee and maid ov honnur tew plezzure-fillz the day hours with kwiet and drives the baliff from the nite dreem. "Pay az yu go," and yu wil kno how fast yure a going, how fur yu have gone, and when it is time tew stop. Tradesmen will bow when they meet yu, and det with its hungry wolf tred will starve on yure trail. "Pay az yu go" temperz luxury and chastens want, adds dignity tew the poor man, and grase tew the ritch man, wrongs nun and iz justiss tew all. Here iz an antidote for much that iz the philosopher's stone; here iz a motto for manhood; here iz a leaven for enny sized lump. Yung man, pay az yu go, and whin yu gits old yu will not depart from it; other

vartues will sartinly cluster about yu; and whin natur hands in her last bill yu will be awl the better prepared to "pay az yu go.”

JOSH BILLINGS' ADVICE TO HIS

DAUGHTERS.

DEAR girls-Keep cool. A blessed futer await yu, enny how. Take lessons in the piannas at onst; piannas are getting skase. By awl means larn to pla the nu song that has jist come out, "when John Brown is over we are comming with this kruel war several strong." This stanza tuk the fust premium at the stat fair. Don't be afrade tew git married; your ma want afrade. Larn how tew knit pudding bags tu put yure haire in. Be vartuous and pretty. Eat slat pen sils; tha will make yu spri at figgers. Let yure pettykoats drag on the sidewalks, and if enny man steps on them and tares oph the rim, slap his face at once. If yu have got a small feet, keep 'em hid; small feet has got out ov fashun. Studdy travels; Tom Moores and Byrons and Gullivers iz awl fust-rate. If yu can spare the time, be luvly and sweet. Remember one thing-thar ain't nothing in this life worth living for but a rich hus. band; if yu don't believe me, ask yure ma. If yu have got red hair yu had better exchange it for blak; blak hair tha tell me is going to be worn muchly next year. Don't hav anything tew du with the boys, unless tha mean bissiness.

Ir iz highly important, when a man makes up hiz minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint better konstrukted for a phool.

I argy in this way, if a man iz right, he kant be too radikal; if he iz rong, he kant be too consarvatiff.

If yu don't beleav in "total depravity," buy a quart ov gin, and study it.

Their iz one advantage in a plurality of wives; tha fite each other, instead ov their hustbands.

It iz a verry delikate job tew forgive a man without lowering him in hiz own estimashun, and

yures too.

Az a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches she haz a good rite tew them.

It iz admitted now bi everyboddy, that the man who kan git fat on berlony sassage, haz got a good deal of dorg in him.

I am poor, and i am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean than it duz genrous.

Wooman's inflooense iz powerful - espeshila when she wants ennything.

Sticking up yure noze don't prove ennything, for a sope-biler, when he iz away from hiz hum, smells everything.

No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git beat than to be rong.

Awl kind ov bores are a nusance, but it is better tew be bored with a two-inch orger than a gimblet.

"Be sure you are rite, then go ahed;" but in kase ov dout go ahed enny wa. Men aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for being ritch.

The rode to Ruin iz always kept in good repair, and the travellers pa the expense ov it.

If a man begins life bi being a fust lutenant in hiz familee, he never need tew look for promoshun. The onla proffit thare is in keeping more than one dorg, iz what you kan make on the board.

I haven't got az mutch munny az sum folks, but I have got az much impudense az enny ov them, and that iz the next thing tew munny.

It aint often that a man's reputashun outlasts hiz munny.

Don't mistake arroganse for wisdum: menny people hav thought tha waz wize, when tha waz onla windy.

The man who kant git ahed without pulling others back, iz a limited cuss.

Woman will sumtimes confess her sins, but i never knu one tew confess her faults.

Oh! what a wurld this iz tew live in, for the soul that iz afrade ov dirt and deviltree!

Young man, studdy defference; it iz the best kard in the pack.

Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the rich man's pudding.

Thare iz a luxury in sometimes feeling lonesum. Lastly-i am violently oppozed tew arden speerits az a bevridge, but for manufaktering purposes i think a leetle of it tastes good.

If yer wife iz upstairs, an yo call to hur, sho Bez, "commin in a minnit," tack a two mile wauk, an when yo get back agean, yo may calkelate at shool just hev cum daan.

If yer wife gets aght a bed ill-tempered at weshin mornin, yo may calkelate a bein miserable all t'day.

If yer wife, after yov cum'd off on a journey, begins a axin if thear wor owt new ta be seen t'draper shop windaz, yo may calkelate at sho expected yo bringin hur summat.

If yer wife sez at there hed better be two keys tut aght-door, yo may calkelate at sho duzant approve on yo stoppin aght late at neets.

If yer wife begins a sendin hur caps an frills aght ta be wesh't, yo may calkelate at shoze gettin extravagant, az weel as laizy.

If yer wife ligs yo aght a clean shirt, an yo cumplain abaght thear bein sum buttons off, yo may calkelate on hur sayin at sho wor sure at thay wor all on reight enif when it whent ta be wesht.

If yer wife chainges hur sarvants az many times az thear iz munths in a year, yo may calkelate

at theaze more folt we hur than wit lasses, an at shooze noan a good temperd an.

"It goaz agean t'grain," az t'farmur sed wen e saw t'weathur wer clearin up, an likely ta set in fur bein fine at market-daay.

"Aw sal nivvir hav t'gout e thee, that's won blessin," az owd Dot-an-carry-Won sed wen e lewk'd daan at hiz wooden leg.

"They du az they like we t'little uns," az t'owd cat sed wen shoo saw hur kittens takken t'backwaay intut sossige-shop.

Luv's like cobbler's wax: t'moar yo meddle wit an t'bigger mess yo mak, an t'cloaser it sticks tul yo. "Cut, an cum agean," az t'sarvant lass sed tut Bobby when shoo heeard her missus comin daan

t'stairs.

"That's wat aw call laaying it on thick," az t'lad sed wen hiz fatthur wallop't him wit cloazeprop.

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Ther's a baandary ta all things," az t'chap sed wen e ran hiz hecad agea a brick wall.

"Smooth an thin, an takken in," az t'shopkeeper sed wen e lewk'd at t'bad shillin.

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Aw'm varry partial ta tender joints," az t'rumatick sed tut chap's leg

t'ammonia bottle. "Noa moar, thank yo," az t'cat sed when it saw

REMARKABLE NEETS.-That, when t'man ran home, freetand aght ov hiz sensas at seein t'dead

haar at neet.

That, when t'watchman distinctly heard a hallo raand t'mooin.

That, when t'dog star wor seen ta bite a piece aght at northern leets.

That, when t'owd womman heard t'breik a day. That, when t'lad wackand hizsen we fallin asleep.

RECIPES.

HAH TA CURE KNOCK-KNEES.-Sit astride ov a barrel abaght three haars a day fur a munth, an then tee yer feet tagethur afore yo goa ta bed, an sleep we a moderate sized turnup between yer knees fur six neets. Iv that wean't cure yo, aw doan't naw wat will.

CURE FOR GOSSIPPIN.-Gooid strong elbow-grease applied daily tut furnitur, an a general cleear aght ov idlebacks.

PURE SYMPATHY.-Tellin a chap at pashunce iz a rare vartue wen eez varry neer crazed wit tooithwark.

A BIT OF QUIET CHAFF.-Axin a chap wat time it iz wen yo naw his watch iz off tul hiz uncle's.

SPENDIN HIZ STRENGTH FUR NOWT.-A bowegg'd fellah tryin ta stop a pig e a hentry. T'WUNDERS A KIMISTRY.-Makkin "Bear's Grease" aght ov hog's lard.

A CUTTIN REMARK.-T'butcher sayin it's time at t'pig wer kill'd.

HAH TA KEEP PRESERVES.-Lock em up, an swallow t'key.

LABOR E VAIN.-Tryin ta leet yer pipe at t'taan pump.

WET AN FOGGY.-A drukken cab-chap aat et rain. TA CURE TONGUES.-Tack yer tongue, if it be a longan, an keep it nicely within yer teeth for two full calender munths. After that tack it to where theaze a tea drinkin, an if yo find, when yo want ta uze it, at its not shorter wit pickle, go home direcktly, an tack it between yer teeth (nah mind, this iz varry important); that bein dun, let sumady fetch yo a good saand rap ovver't top at head we a rowlin pin, an if't tongue end bleeds, or flies off, it's a sign it's cured.