T is told of Lamb, that one afternoon returning from a dinnerparty, having taken a seat in a crowded omnibus, a stout gentleman subsequently looked in, and politely asked, "All full inside ? "I don't know how it may be with the other passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece of oyster-pie did the business for me." Ir being suggested that Lamb would not sit down to a meal with the Italian witnesses at the Queen's trial, he rejected the imputation, asserting that he would sit with anything except a hen or a tailor. Or brandy and water, Charles Lamb said it spoiled two good things. "CHARLES," said Coleridge, one day, to Lamb, "did you ever hear me preach ?" "I never heard you do anything else," said Lamb. A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight people had dined at the top of the spire, upon which Lamb remarked that they must have been very sharp-set. THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward though innocent habits of our essayist. Once, at the India House, one in authority said to him-"I have re marked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very late in the morning." "Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but I go away early in the afternoon." The oddness of the excuse silenced the reprover, who turned away with a smile. "WORDSWORTH," said Lamb, "one day told me that he considered Shakespeare greatly over-rated. There is an immensity of trick in all Shakespeare wrote,' he said, 'and people are taken in by it. Now, if I had a mind, I could write exactly like Shakespeare. So, you see," proceeded Charles Lamb quietly, "it was only the mind that was wanting." ON a wet, miserable, foggy London day in autumn, Lamb was accosted by a beggar-woman with, "Pray, sir, bestow a little charity upon a poor, destitute widow woman, who is perishing for lack of food. Believe me, sir, I have seen better days." "So have I," said Lamb, handing the poor creature a shilling; "so have I; it is a miserable day! Good-bye! good-bye!" It is hardly probable the woman was in good enough spirits to take the joke, but we suppose she took the shilling easily. "A PUN," said Lamb in a letter to Coleridge, in which he eulogised the Odes and Addresses of his friends Hood and Reynolds, "is a thing of too much consequence to be thrown in as a makeweight. You shall read one of the Addresses twice over and miss the puns, and it shall be quite as good, or better, than when you discover them. A pun is a noble thing per se. O never bring it in as an accessory! A pun is a sole digest of reflection; it is entire; it fills the mind; it is as perfect as a sonnet-better. It limps ashamed in the train and retinue of humour-it knows it should have an establishment of its own." A MERMAID "TOMMY, have you ever seen any of them ere maremaids they tell on ?" inquired Dame Nichols of her son, just home from a voyage. "Wal, no, mother; can't say for sartin as I has. But I seen one of the maremen one day."-" You did, Tommy! Where was it? Tell us all about it, my son.' "Wal, ye see, mother, when I was in the old Orpheus, homeward bound from Liverpool, we got on the Great Bank in thirty fathoms of water; and as it was a fine, pleasant Sunday morning, almost calm, Captain Cole concluded to let go kellock,' and set all hands to fishing for cod. Wal, we'd been fishing 'bout an hour, when there climbed up by a rope that was dangling down overboard, and jumped down on deck, the queerest little chap I ever clapt my two eyes on. He was about four feet high, all covered with sea-weed and barnacles, and had a star-fish shell for a cap, and clam-shells for shoes, and a blue skin and green eyes, and a YARN. nose like a spoon. 'Where's the old man?' he piped, as soon as he lit on deck. There he is aft,' said Ned Higgins; and with that the little man of the sea clattered away aft on his clam-shells, and going right up to Captain Cole, he scraped and bowed, polite as a dancing-master, and says he to the old man, Captain, I beg pardon for troubling you, but I've come up to ask if you'll be so kind as to heave up your anchor? You see, sir, you've dropped it right before our door down there, and my family can't get out to go to church.' By all means, my dear sir,' said the captain, shaking hands with the mareman. 'Man the windlass, there, Mr. Transom, and heave up the anchor.' With that Mr. Mareman thanked the old man, clattered away to the side, and slid down that ere rope into the sea; and that's the first and last time I ever seen a mareman, mother." PAT AND THE OYSTERS. NE evening, a red-headed Con-, naught swell, of no small aristocratic pretensions in his own eyes, sent his servant, whom he had just imported from the long-horned kingdom, in all the rough majesty of a creature fresh from the "wilds," to purchase a hundred of oysters on the City Quay. Paddy stayed so long away, that Squire Trigger got quite impatient and unhappy lest his "body man might have slipt into the Liffey; however, to his infinite relief, Paddy soon made his appearance, puffing and blowing like a d sabled bellows, but carrying his load seemingly in great triumph. Well, Pat," cried the master, "what the devil kept you so long?" Long! ah thin, maybe it's what you'd have me to come home with half my arrant?" says Pat. "Half the oysters ?" says the master. No; but too much of the fish," says Pat. "What fish?" says he. "The oysters, to be sure," says Pat. "What do you mean, blockhead?" says he. "I mean," says Pat, "that there was no use in 66 66 66 "Will One loading myself with more nor was useful." 6 "THERE was one shark," said our host, who wore STORY. hold. 66 What say, Captain ?" Captain assented with a confirmatory nod. "What did you do' then?" said Picton. 'Did you get him ashore ?' "Get him ashore!" muttered Red-Cap, covering his mouth with one broad brown hand to muffle a contemptuous laugh; "get him ashore! why, he was pretty well off shore for such a sail." "You might have rowed him ashore," said Picton. "Rowed him ashore!" echoed Red-Cap, with another contemptuous smile under the brown hand; "rowed him ashore!" The traveller, finding he was in deep water, answered: "Yes, that is if you were not too far out." "A little too far out," replied Red-Cap; "why, if I had been a hundred yards only from shore, it would ha' been too far to row or sail in, with that shovel-nose, without counting the set-nets." "And what did you do?" said Picton, a little nettled. "Why," said Red-Cap, "I had to let him go, but first I cut out his liver, and that I did bring ashore, although it filled my boat pretty well full. You can judge how big it was: after I brought it ashore I lay it out on the beach, and we measured it, Mr. M'Alpin and me, and he'll tell you so too; we laid it out on the beach, that ere liver, and it measured seventeen feet, and then we didn't measure all of it." "What was the reason you didn't measure all of it?" said Picton. "Well," replied Red-Cap, "because we hadn't a measure long enough." THE FULL STOP. 69 MRS. PARTINGTON'S THE HELMET. ERRORS. before he died, with my own eyes, jest as plain as I see you now, and it turned out arterwards to be think, to the day of my desolation, that it was a a rose-bush with a nightcap on it; I shall always forerunner sent to me. T'other one came in the night when we were asleep, and carried away three candles, and a pint of spirits that we kept in the house for an embarkation. Believe in ghosts, indeed! I guess I do, and he must be a dreadful Is that a tropic of the Crimea ?" said Mrs. Partington, pointing to a Russian helmet that a friend had brought from the East. "That, madam," said we, is a trophy of the Crimea, that fearful battle-ground, and it seems to bear about it the odour of strife in the perilous deadly breaches, and the crash of contending forces." She looked at it attentively. "Yes," responded she; "and not only the breeches, but the rest of styptic as doesn't." the uniform besides." It was evident that she had made a slight mistake. THE BALLET TROUPE. "WHEN is the bally troop coming on?" asked ON WAR. Well," continued was anybody that Worn their dresses MRS. PARTINGTON began to get anxious about the consequences of the American war, and asked whether this country may not eventually become involved in hostilities with " our transplanted cousins," as she calls the descendants of the Pilgrim Fathers. "In that case," said Mrs. Partington, rather anxiously, "would the 'Merrikins come to London ?" Undoubtedly, ma'am," replied her interlocutor, "if they could." "Dear me! how shocking!" Then after a pause, she added, with a placid smile, and lifting up her hands, "Well, well, I'm very thankful we live so near the barracks!" ON LONGEVITY. "I've always noticed," remarked Mrs. Partington, dropping her voice to the key that people adopt when they are disposed to be philosophical or moral, "I've always noticed that every year added to a man's life has a tendency to make him older, just as a man who goes a journey finds, as he jogs on, that every milestone brings him nearer to where he is going, and farther from where he started. I haven't got the exorbitance of feeling that I had once, and I don't believe I shall ever have it again if I live to the age of Methusaleh, which, Heaven knows, I don't want to. And, speaking of long life, I haven't any desire to live any longer than the breath remains in my body, if it isn't more than eighty years-I wouldn't wish to be a centurion, and the idea of surviving one's factories always gives me a disagreeable sensoriousness. But whatever is to be will be, and there is no knowing how a thing will take place till it turns out." ON SCHOOLS. The "PEOPLE may say as much as they please about THE FULL STOP. A SCAFFOLDING, twenty feet high, once gave way One of whom by the scaffold-poles held-safe and While the other poor fellow was dashed to the ground. "By me conscience, then, Pat, 'twas a long way to drop! Did your fall hurt you, honey?" said he at the top. Pat groaned out in answer, "The fall-it be cursed! 'Twas the stopping so suddenly hurt me the worst." "THAT'S VERY ODD." 66 66 "WHEN I was travelling in Russia I was attacked | he-bear, which happened to be up in a tree, that in crossing a forest by a pack of twelve wolves, he fell to the ground, broke his neck, and died on and from my postchaise window I fired my rethe spot." Well!" said the friend, "upon my volver and killed the first wolf, and, strange to word that's very odd." Yes, odd," said the say, his companions stopped and devoured him, traveller, "but not so odd as the sequel to my and then came on again to the fight. I shot story. A thunderstorm came on, and I sought another, and my postillion killed a third, both refuge in a hollow tree, and, to my horror, I of which were devoured, and so we went on until descended into a nest of young bears, where I only one wolf remained, and I killed him as we had not been very long when I heard the she-bear. were entering the town, and I observed that he She ascended the tree, and was descending the was immensely stout. "Dear me!" said the friend, hollow. With the rapidity of lightning I seized "that's very odd." "Very odd," said the traveller, her by the tail and plunged my hunting knife into "but not nearly so odd as that which happened on her haunches, upon which she started upwards, the following day. I was out shooting antelopes, dragging me with her; and as she went down one and fired at one as he stood on the top of a crag; side of the tree, I escaped by the other." "Now, odd to say, the ball passed through his neck, and really, that's very odd," said the friend," for it's killed another which was standing on a crag a the first time in my life I ever heard of a bear quarter of a mile off." That's very odd," said with a tail." "Yes," replied the traveller, " and it the friend. "Yes, but the odd part of the story is was the only time I ever met with one, and that's to come. The report of my rifle so alarmed an old very odd." 66 "WHAT'S IN A NAME?" ONE Alwright went to an auction and bought | Knock-'em-down." 66 66 66 I say?" was the irritated rejoinder. "Al-wright! I say." All wrong, you mean." Al-wright!" said the purchaser. Yes, all right!" cried the crowd, taking the joke; "all right-go ahead, old 66 The auctioneer now began to lose his temper. "A-1, Al—w-r-i-g-h-t, wright," continued the buyer. "O-h, thunder!" exclaimed Hammer, on whom the laughter of the crowd began to operate; "that's it, is it? Beg pardon! James, put this gentleman's name down. All right, sir; go ahead." THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING AGREEABLE. I WAS once what is called an agreeable man, and I was asked to be a godfather forty-eight times, and my name is recorded on as many silver mugs, value each, £4 10s. 6d. I gave away fifty-six brides, and as many dressing-cases. I said "Yes" when I ought to have said "No" six thousand five hundred and forty times. I paid in the course of fourteen years £375 2s. 6d. for cab-fares, in excess of what I ought to have done. I lent two hundred and sixty-four umbrellas, and never received them back again. I gave up my stall at the opera when I wanted to use it myself, on an average, twenty-six times during the season. I have had three hundred and odd colds, and retain a permanent rheumatism, from consenting to sit in draughts to oblige other people. I have accepted two hundred and four accom. modation bills for friends in Government offices, and I am now going to Basinghall Street to declare myself an insolvent, preparatory to my depar ture for Australia. BLACK DIAMONDS. BLACK DIAMONDS. A SLAVE who ran away from his master in Virginia was set to work by General Butler, and made to keep at it, much to his annoyance, which caused him to exclaim, "Golly, Massa Butler, dis nigger nebber had to do work so hard afore; guess dis chile will secede once moah." A PAPER down East tells of a negro who proposed to write a book on Natural History. He commenced as follows:-"Man is de first animal in de creation; he spring up like a sparrow-grass, hops about like a hopper-grass, and dies de same as a jackass." "MASSA says you must sartain pay de bill today," said a negro to a New Orleans shopkeeper. "Why, he isn't afraid I'm a going to run away, is he?" was the reply. "Not e'zactly dat; but look ahee," said the darkey, slily and mysteriously, "he's gwoin to run away heself, and darfor wants to make a big raise." "I TELL you wat, Julius, I had a monstrous 'spute wid massa dis morning, down in de cotton patch." "You don't ses so, Cæsar; wat, you 'spute wid massa?" "Yes, I tell you for one hour we 'spute togedder down in de cotton patch." "Wa, wa, wat you 'spute about ?" "Why, you see, Julius, massa come down da whar I wos hoein', and massa he say squash grow best on sandy ground, an' I say so too; and dar we 'spute about it for more 'n one hour!" 66 71 "My young coloured friend," said an army chaplain to a young negro, can you read ?" "Yes, sah!" "Glad to hear it," said the chaplain. "Shall I give you a paper ?" "Sartain, massa, if you please." "Very good," continued the chaplain. What paper would you choose, now ?" "Well, massa," said the meditating negro, "if you chews, I'll take a paper o' terbacker." 66 66 'SAMBO, w'at am your 'pinion ob rats ?" "Wal, I t'ink de one dat has de shortest tail will get in de hole de quickest. E'yah! e'yah! e'yah!' A MILITIA officer wanted to compliment a negro by drinking with him. "Well, captain," said Cuff, "I'se very dry, so I won't be ugly about it. Some niggars are too proud to drink with a malishy ossifer, but I think a malishy ossifer, when he is sober, is just as good as a nigga, 'specially when the nigga is dry." A COLOURED firm in Newark, New Jersey, having suffered some pecuniary embarrassments, recently closed business, and the senior member gave to the public the following "notis:"-" De dissolution of coparsnips heretofo resisting twixt me and Mose Jones in the barber perfession, am heretofo resolved. Pussons who ose must pay to de scriber. Dem what de firm ose must call on Jones, as de firm is insolved." the hotel where he was stopping-"Bless my soul, SAID a gentleman the other day to a servant at Sambo, how black you are! How, in the name of wonder, did you get so black?" "Why, look'a here, massa, de reason am dis-de day dis child was born dere was an eclipse." Ebony received a shilling for his satisfactory explanation, and after grinning thanks, continued-"I tell you what it is, massa; dis nigger may be black, but he ain't green, nohow." "MASSA, you know dem big glass shades, what am aribe last night?" "Well ?" said the master. "Well, dey was put in de store-room," continued the boy. "Well?" continued the master, inquiringly "Well, I was peelin' de apples, when Mr. Johnsor told me to bring one of dem out, and-" "Well ?" said his master, impatiently. "Well, as I was gwine to do- "You let it fall, and broke it, you scoundrel!" anticipated the master. "No, I didn't, needer," said the negro, sulkily. "Well, what then?" said the master, recovering. "Why, I struck him again de corner of de shelf, and he brake himself all to pieces!" ANTHONY ROX, a superb engine-driver on the Ohio river, was asked how he came to get free. "Why, Massa Vincent, my health was berry bad when I was in Kentucky; I couldn't do no kind of work: I was berry feeble; 'twas jes as much as I could do to hoe my own garden and eat de sass; and de missus what owned me see dat I was a mis'able nigger-one of the mis'ablest kind. So I said to her, "Missus, I'm a mis'able nigger, and I an't worth nothing, and I tink you'd better sell me, I'm such a mis'able nigger.' Now, Massa Vincent, I was such a poor nigger that missus 'greed to sell me for a hundred dollars, and I |