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N a quiet little Ohio village, many years ago, was a tavern where the stages always changed, and the passengers expected to get breakfast. The landlord of the said hotel was noted for his tricks upon travellers, who were allowed to get fairly seated at the table, when the driver would blow his horn (after taking his "horn"), and sing out, "Stage ready, gentlemen!"-whereupon the passengers were obliged to hurry out to take their seats, leaving a scarcelytasted breakfast behind them, for which, however, they had to fork over fifty cents! One day, when the stage was approaching the house of this obliging landlord, a passenger said thathe had often heard of the landlord's trick, and he was afraid they would not be able to eat any breakfast. "What! - how? No breakfast!" exclaimed the

rest.

"Exactly so, gents, and you may as well keep your seats and tin."

Don't they expect passengers to breakfast ?" "Oh, yes! they expect you to it, but not to eat it. I am under the impression that there is an understanding between the landlord and the driver, that for sundry and various drinks, &c., the latter starts before you can scarcely commence eating."

"What on airth are you all talking about? Ef you calkelate I'm going to pay four-and-nine pence for my breakfast, and not get the valee on't, yo're mistakin'," said a voice from a back seat, the owner of which was one Hezekiah Spaulding-though "tew hum" they call him "Hez" for short. "I'm goin' to get my breakfast here, and not pay nary red cent till I do."

"Then you'll be left."

"Not as you knows on, I won't."

"Well, we'll see," said the other, as the stage drove up to the door, and the landlord, ready "to do the hospitable," says

"Breakfast just ready, gents! Take a wash, gents? Here's water, basins, towels, and soap." After performing the ablutions, they all proceeded to the dining-room, and commenced a fierce onslaught upon the edibles, though Hez took his time. Scarcely had they tasted their coffee, when they heard the unwelcome sound of the horn, and the driver exclaim-" Stage ready!"

LANDLORD.

Up rise eight grumbling passengers, pay their fifty cents, and take their seats.

"All on board, gents ?" inquires the host. "One missing," said they.

Proceeding to the dining-room, the host finds Hez very coolly helping himself to an immense piece of steak, the size of a horse's hip.

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'You'll be left, sir! Stage going to start!" "Wall, I hain't got nothin' to say agin it," drawls out Hez.

"Can't wait, sir-better take your seat."

"I'll be gall-darned ef I dew, nother, till I've got my breakfast! I paid for it, and I am goin' to get the valee on't; and ef you calkelate I hain't, you are mistakin."

So the stage did start, and left Hez, who continued his attack upon the edibles. Biscuits, coffee, &c., disappeared before the eyes of the astonished landlord.

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Say, squire, them there cakes is 'bout eatfetch on another grist on 'em. You" (to the waiter), "'nother cup of that ere coffee. Pass them eggs. Raise your own pork, squire ? This is 'mazin' nice ham. Land 'bout here tolerable cheap, squire? Hain't much maple timber in these parts, hev ye? Dew right smart trade, squire, I calkelate?" And thus Hez kept quizzing the landlord until he had made a hearty meal.

"Say, squire, now I'm 'bout to conclude paying my devowers tew this ere table, but jest give us a bowl of bread and milk to top off with, I'd be much ablegeed tew ye."

So out go the landlord and waiter for the bowl, milk, and bread, and set them before him.

Spoon, tew, ef you please."

But no spoon could be found. Landlord was sure he had plenty of silver ones lying on the table when the stage stopped.

"Say, dew ye? dew ye think them passengers is goin' to pay ye for a breakfuss and not git no compensashun?"

"Ah! what? Do you think any of the passengers took them?"

"Dew I think?" No, I don't think, but I'm sartin'. Ef they are all as green as yew 'bout here, I'm goin' to locate immediately, and tew wonst."

The landlord rushes out to the stable, and starts a man off after the stage, which had gone about three miles. The man overtakes the stage, and says something to the driver in a low tone. He immediately turns back, and on arriving at the hotel, Hez comes out, takes his seat, and saysHow are yew, gents? I'm rotted glad to see

yew."

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Can you point out the man you think has the spoons ?" asked the landlord.

"Pint him out? Sartinly I ken. Say, squire, I paid yew four-and-ninepence for a breakfuss, and I calkelate I got the valee on't! You'll find them spoons in the coffee-pot."

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Go ahead! All aboard, driver." The landlord stared.

MR. WELLER'S VISIT TO THE BANK.-"Wot place is this here?" whispered the mottled-faced gentleman to the elder Mr. Weller. 'Counsel's Office," replied the executor in a whisper. "Wot are them gen'men a settin' behind the counters ?" asked the hoarse coachman. "Reduced counsels, I s'pose," replied Mr. Weller. "Ain't they the reduced counsels, Samivel ?" "Wy, you don't suppose the reduced counsels is alive, do you?" inquired Sam, with some disdain. "How should I know?" retorted Mr. Weller; "I thought they looked wery like it. Wot are they, then?" Clerks," replied Sam. "Wot are they all a eaten' ham sangwidges for?" inquired his father. "'Cos it's in their dooty, I suppose," replied Sam: "it's a part o' the system, they're alvays a doin' it here, all day long!"

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HOW TO GET ON.-The Apothecary Method. "Don't you see?" said Bob; "he goes up to a house, rings the area-bell, pokes a packet of medicine without a direction into the servant's hand, and walks off. Servant takes it into the dining parlour; master opens it and reads the label, Draught to be taken at bed-time-pills as before, -lotion as usual-the powder. From Sawyer's, late Nockemorf's-Physicians' prescriptions carefully prepared:' and all the rest of it. Shows it to his wife-she reads the label; it goes down to

the servants-they read the label. Next day the boy calls: Very sorry-his mistake-immense business-great many parcels to deliver-Mr. Sawyer's compliments-late Nockemorf.' The name gets known, and that's the thing, my boy, in the medical way; bless your heart, old fellow, it's better than all the advertising in the world. We have got one four-ounce bottle that's been to half the houses in Bristol, and hasn't done yet."

NOVEL COURTSHIP.-"I courted her under singular circumstances-I won her through a rash vow. Thus: I saw her; I loved her; I proposed; she refused me. 'You love another ?-Spare my blushes. I know him.'-'You do.'-' Very good, if he remains here I'll skin him."" 66 Lord bless me!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick involuntarily. "Did you skin the gentleman, sir?" inquired Mr. Winkle with a very pale face. "I wrote him a note. I said it was a painful thing. And so it was." Certainly," interposed Mr. Winkle. "I said I had pledged my word as a gentleman to skin him. My character was at stake. I had no alternative. As an officer in his Majesty's service I was bound to do it. I regretted the necessity, but it must be done. He was open to conviction. He saw that the rules of the service were imperative. He fled. I married her."

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PADDY'S

I HAVE often laughed at the way an Irish help we had at Barnstaple once fished me for a glass of whiskey. One morning he says to me- -"Oh, yer honour," says he, "I had a great drame last night intirely-I dramed I was in Rome, tho' how I got there is more than I can tell; but there I was, sure enough; and as in duty bound, what does I do but go and see the Pope. Well, it was a long journey, and it was late when I got there-too late for the likes of me; and when I got to the palace I saw priests, and bishops, and cardinals, and all the great dignitaries of the Church a coming out; and sais one of them to me, How are ye, Pat Moloney?' sais he; and that spalpeen yer father, bad luck to him, how is he?" It startled me to hear me own name so suddent, that it came mighty nigh waking me up, it did. Sais I, Your riverence, how in the world did ye know that Pat Moloney was me name, let alone that of me father? Why, ye blackguard,' sais he, 'I knew ye since ye was knee-high to a goose, and I knew yer mother afore ye was born.'-'It's good right yer honour has then to know me,' sais I. -Bad manners to ye,' sais he, "what is it ye are afther doing here at this time o' night ?'To see his Holiness the Pope,' sais I.-That's right,' sais he; pass on, but leave yer impudence with yer hat and shoes at the door.' Well,

DREAM.

I was shown into a mighty fine room where his Holiness was, and down I went on me knees. Rise up, Pat Moloney,' sais his Holiness; 'ye're a broth of a boy to come all the way from Ireland to do yer duty to me: and it's dutiful children ye are, every mother's son of ye. What will ye have to drink, Pat?' (The greater a man is, the more of a rael gintleman he is, yer honour, and the more condescending.)-- What will ye have to drink, Pat?' sais he.-'A glass of whiskey, yer Holiness,' sais I, if it's all the same to ye.'- Shall it be hot or cold?' sais he.-' Hot,' sais I, if it's all the same, and gives ye no trouble.'-' Hot it shall be,' sais he; but as I have dismissed all me servants for the night, I'll just step down below for the taykettle;' and wid that he left the room, and was gone for a long time; and jist as he came to the door again he knocked so loud the noise woke me up, and, by jabers! I missed me whiskey entirely! Bedad, if I had only had the sense to say 'Nate, yer Holiness,' I'd a had me whiskey sure enough, and never known it warn't all true, instead of a drame." I knew what he wanted, so I poured him out a glass. "Won't it do as well now, Pat?" said I. Indeed it will, yer honour," says ne, "and my drame will come true, after all. thought it would, for it was mighty nateral at the time, all but the whiskey."

I

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AN Irish soldier, being asked if he met with much hospitality in Holland, replied that he was in the hospital nearly all the time he was there.

AN Irishman passing through a field of cattle, the other day, said to a friend, "Whenever you see a herd of cows all lying down, and one of them only standing up, that one is sure to be a bull."

"How is coal this morning?" said a purchaser to an Irishman in a coal-yard. "Black as iver," replied Patrick, respectfully taking off the remains

of his hat.

AN Irishman on board a vessel when she was on the point of foundering, being desired to come on deck, as she was going down, replied that he had no wish to go on deck to see himself drowned. FELIX M'CARTHY, of the Kerry Militia, was generally late on parade. "Ah, Felix," said the sergeant, "you are always last." "Be aisy, Sergeant Sullivan," was his reply; "surely some one must be last."

AN Irishman at a temperance meeting the other night, referring to his standing in society, said that he had been a working man ever since he was born.

SOUTHEY, when in Dublin, exported a famous bull. Rickman (said the poet, in a letter to a friend) was in company when a gentleman looked at his watch, and cried, "It is to-morrow morning! I must bid you good night."

A PROVIDENT Irishman is going to get his life insured, so that when he dies he can have something to live on, and not be dependent on the cold charities of the world as he once was."

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"PAT, if Mr. Jones comes before my return, tell him that I will meet him at two o'clock." Ay, ay, sir; but what shall I tell him if he don't come ?"

A WOUNDED Irishman wrote home from the hospital, and finished up by saying: "I'm for this country. I've bled for it, and I'll soon be able to say I've died for it."

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"PADDY, do you know how to drive?" said a traveller to the Phaeton of a jaunting car. Sure I do," was the answer. "Wasn't it I upset yer honour in a ditch two years ago?"

DR. O'CONNOR, in his History of Ireland, says that the Irish are long-lived; that some of them attain to the age of a hundred: "In short," adds the doctor, "they live as long as they can."

"THERE'S two ways of doing it," says Pat to himself, as he stood musing and waiting for a job. "If I save me four thousand pounds, I must lay up two hundred pounds a year for twenty years, or I can put away twenty pounds a year for two hundred years-now which shall I do?"

AN Irish gentleman having purchased an alarm clock, an acquaintance asked him what he intended to do with it. "Och," answered he," sure I've nothing to do but pull the string and wake myself."

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A DUBLIN car-driver hailed a passenger, and asked if he wanted a car. The latter said no, he was able to walk. May yer honour long be able, but seldom willing,' was the sharp but courteous reply.

AN Irishman, who had blistered his fingers by endeavouring to draw on a pair of boots, exclaimed, I shall never get them on at all, until I wear them a day or two."

A HEXHAM barber was bragging that he could shave anything, even "the face of Nature." "Faith," said an Irish reaper, who chanced to be in the shop, "what of that? I shave the face of Nature oft enough, I do—with a hook!”

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As Pat Hogan sat enjoying his connubial bliss upon the banks of a southern creek, he espied a turtle emerging from the stream. "Och hone!" he exclaimed solemnly," that iver I should come to America to see a snuff-box walk." Whist!" said his wife; "don't be afther making fun of the birds." A LADY, in the constant habit of complaining of indisposition without a cause, told her Irish physician that she would leave Britain, and go to Jamaica for the recovery of her health; when he told her, if she would tell him the country where people never died, he would go and end his days there.

AN Irishman, in describing America, said, "You might roll England thru it, an' it wouldn't make a dint in the ground; there's fresh-water oceans inside that ye might droun Ould Ireland in; and as for Scotland, ye might stick it in a corner, and ye'd never be able to find it out, except it might be by the smell of whiskey."

A GENTLEMAN travelling on horseback, not long ago, came upon an Irishman who was fencing in a most barren and desolate piece of land. "What are you fencing in that lot for, Pat?" said he; herd of cows would starve to death on that land." "And shure, your honour, wasn't I fincing it to keep the poor bastes out iv it?"

a

AN Irishman was going along the road, when an angry bull rushed down upon him, and with his horns tossed him over a fence. The Irishman, recovering from his fall, upon looking up saw the bull pawing and tearing up the ground (as is the custom of the animal when irritated); whereupon Pat smiling at him said, "If it was not for your bowing and scraping and your humble apologies, you brute, faix I should think that you had thrown me over this fence on purpose!"

MALONY says that Ireland is the only country where people can fight in peace and quietness. In London they jerk you up "with an Act of Parliament," if you only have a taste of a brush in the back yard. At Donnybrook, on the contrary, you

can fight all day, and with as much comfort and respect as if you were going to church.

A GENTLEMAN, one evening walking through Covent-garden, observed two fellows upon the ground, and one of them, who was an Irishman, with his knee upon the other's breast, most unmercifully belabouring him on the face, until he had nearly reduced it to a mummy. The gentleman humanely interfered, and entreated the conqueror to give his opponent fair play, and let him get up and have an equal chance. "Faith, master," replied the fellow, turning up his face with a very significant look; "if you had been at as much trouble to get him down as I have, you would not be for letting him get up so readily."

A CERTAIN witness, in an action for assault and

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battery, mixed things up considerably in giving his account of the affair. After relating how Dennis came to him and struck him, he proceeded: So, yer honour, I just hauled off and wiped his jaw. Just then his dog came along, and I hit him again." "Hit the dog?" "No, yer honour, hit Dennis. And then I up wid a stun and throwed it at him, and it rolled him over and over." "Threw and he got up and hit me again." a stone at Dennis ?" "At the dog, yer honour; The dog?" "No; Dennis. And wid that he stuck his tail betwixt his legs and run off." "Dennis? "No; the dog. And when he came back at me, he got 66 The me down and pounded me, yer honour." dog came back at you?" "No; Dennis, yer honour, and he isn't hurt any at all." 'Who isn't hurt?" "The dog, yer honour."

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THE YANKEE AND

IRAM was a quiet, peaceable sort of a Yankee, who lived on the same farm on which his fathers had lived before him, and was generally con

"Ya! dat ish bace-bad-he ish von goot togya! dat ish bad!"

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'im."

always ready with a trick, whenever it

utility; yet when he did play any of his tricks, 'twas done in such an innocent

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tim could do no better than take it all in good part.

Now it happened that one of Hiram's neighbours sold a farm to a tolerably green specimen of a Dutchman-one of

the real unintelligent, stupid sort. Von Vlom Schlopsch had a dog, as Dutchmen often have, who was less unintelligent than his master, and who had, since leaving his "faderland," become sufficiently civilised not only to appropriate the soil as common stock, but had progressed so far in the good work as to obtain his dinners from the neighbours' sheepfold on the same principle.

When Hiram discovered this propensity in the canine department of the Dutchman's family, he walked over to his new neighbour's to enter complaint, which mission he accomplished in the most natural method in the world.

"Wall, Von, your dog Blitzen's been killing my sheep."

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Sartain," said Hiram, "I'll hold his tail if you want me tew, but you must cut it up close."

"Ya! dat ish right-Ich make 'im von goot tog there, Blitzen, Blitzen, come right here, you von sheep steal rashcull-I chop your tail in von two pieces."

The dog obeyed the summons, and the master tied his feet fore and aft, for fear of accident, and placing the tail in the Yankee's hand, requested him to lay it across a large block of wood.

"Chock up," said Hiram, as he drew the butt of the tail close over the log.

"Ya! dat ish right-now. you von tief sheep. I learns you better luck," said Von Vlom Schlopsch,

as he raised the axe.

THE first time he saw Tom Dibdin, the songwriter said to him, "Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?" 'Oh, yes," said Jerrold; "I've all the confidence, but I haven't the guinea."

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JERROLD went to a party at which a Mr. Pepper had assembled all his friends. Jerrold said to his host, on entering the room, "My dear Mr. Pepper, how glad you must be to see all your friends mustered!"

UPON another occasion he and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London, discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece. The former, telling the story many years after, said, "But a shower of rain came on and washed all the Greece out of us."

"Do you know," said a friend to him, "that Jones has left the stage and turned wine merchant ? " 66 Oh, yes," Jerrold replied; "and I'm told that his wine off the stage is better than his whine on it."

A FRIEND seeking subscriptions for a person in trouble asked Jerrold for his mite. "What will put him right?" said Jerrold. "Oh! a one and two noughts," said the other. "Put me down for one of the noughts," said Jerrold.

JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that he had expressed his disappointment. Friend (to Jerrold): "I heard you said was the worst book I ever wrote."-Jerrold: "No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote."

SOME people were talking with him about a gentleman as celebrated for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships. "Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm, that he no sooner takes them up than he puts them down again."

JERROLD met Alfred Bunn one day in Jermyn Street. Bunn stopped Jerrold, and said, "What! I suppose you're strolling about, picking up character." Well, not exactly," said Jerrold; "but there's plenty lost hereabouts."

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