USTICE GRAHAM was the most polite judge that ever adorned the bench, and many amusing anecdotes are related of his courteous expressions. On one occasion it was said he had hastily condemned a man, who had been capitally convicted, to transportation, when the clerk of the court, in a whisper, set him right. "Oh," he exclaimed, "criminal! I beg your pardon, come back;" and putting on the black cap, courteously apologised for his mistake, and then consigned him to the gallows, to be hanged by the neck until he was dead. To one guilty of burglary, or a similar offence, he would say, "My honest friend, you are found guilty of felony, for which it is my painful duty, &c. Among other peculiarities he had a custom of repeating the answer made to him, as illustrated in the following dialogue :-" My good friend, you are charged with murder; what have you to observe on the subject? Eh, how did it happen? Why, my lord, Jem aggravated me, and swore as how he'd knock the breath out of my body." "Good, he'd knock the breath out of your body; and what did you reply?" "Nothing; I floored him." "Good; and then ?" 66 Why, then, my b lord, they took him up and found that his head was cut open." "His head was cut open; good; and what followed?" "After that, my lord, they gathered him up to take him to the hospital, but he died on the road." He died on the road; very good." This will match the best of Lord Cockburn's stories of Scottish justices of the Court of Session.

O

"" 66

A FRIEND of M. de Talleyrand asked him one day, in confidence, how it was that Madame G, so stupid as she was, could have held him in her chains. "Why, the truth is," he replied, "that Madame de Stael has so worn me out with her cleverness, that I feel as though I could never have enough dulness."

Br a strange contradiction, those who most despise money are those who are the most eager after the pleasures it procures.

"Is this the way to Ryde ?" said a traveller who was as ignorant of horsemanship as of the place he was inquiring for. The unsophisticated native to whom the query was addressed, after carefully surveying the equestrian artiste, naïvely

replied, "Na, na! thee turns out thee toas too much."

"DON'T you think my son resembles me?" inquired an apothecary, as he introduced his greasyfaced boy to the witty Dr. H. "Yes," replied the doctor, pretending to scan the physiognomy of each; "yes, I think I see your liniments in his

countenance."

A LADY having spoken sharply to Dr. Parr, apologised by saying, "It is the privilege of women to talk nonsense." 'No, madam, it is not their privilege, but their infirmity. Ducks would walk if they could, but nature suffers them only to waddle."

A MAN, who was equally fond of "spouting" and drinking, was boasting that he could "bring an argument to a p'int as quick as any other man." "You can bring a quart to a pint a good deal more quickly," replied his friend.

"I ASSURE you the times are so bad that I can't live," said a tippling dyer to his neighbour, a clever other, "that is because you don't pay attention to and flourishing tradesman. "Ah," replied the your dyeing. If you would only dye when you drink you'd be sure to live."

OBJECTING to Thomas Carlyle, that he did not give definite suggestions for the improvement of the age which he rebuked, a wit said, "Here is a man who beats a big drum under my win

dows, and when I come running down-stairs, has nowhere for me to go."

66

DURING the American civil war a certain farmer from one of the border counties of Virginia appealed to President Lincoln to redress some small grievance which he had suffered at the hands of Union soldiers. The president replied that if he were to deal with such cases he should find work enough for twenty presidents. The farmer, however, urged his case, saying, "Couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel about it? just one line!" 'Ha, ha!" responded the president, "that reminds me of old Jack Chase. Jack used to be lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick, twenty-five years ago, to take the logs over the rapids, but he was skilful with a raft and always kept her straight in the channel. Finally a steamer He always used to take the wheel going through was put on, and Jack was made captain of her. the rapids. One day when the boat was plunging and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost vigilance was being exercised to keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat-tail and hailed him with- Say, Mister Captain! I wish you would just stop your boat a minute-I've lost my apple overboard!""

449

ASTELLI, after performing several tricks of second-rate interest, at length arrived at the one which caused even the calmest spectator to throb with impatience.

66

Gentlemen," he then said, addressing the audience, "we will now proceed to the last trick. I promised to eat a man alive for my supper, and I will keep my word. Will the courageous spectator who wishes to serve as a repast to me" (Castelli pronounced this word with the expression of a perfect cannibal) "take the trouble to mount on the stage?" Two victims immediately presented themselves. By accident they offered a perfect contrast, and Castelli, who understood the art of producing an effect, skilfully profited by it. He placed them side by side, with their faces turned to the audience; then after surveying one of them, a tall, bilious-looking fellow, from head to foot, he said to him, with affected politeness

"I do not wish to insult you, sir, but I am sorry to tell you that, as regards my food, I am quite of M. le Cure's opinion-you understand me?"

The tall thin man appeared for a moment as if trying to guess a riddle, and ended by scratching his ear-a gesture which among all nations, civilised or barbarous, signifies, "I do not understand."

"I will explain then," Castelli continued. "You know that M. le Curé does not like bones; at least, so they say at forfeits, and I assure you I share the curé's antipathy in this respect. You can retire then; I will not detain you." And Castelli began bowing to his visitor, who hastened back to his seat.

66

Now, then, for us two," the conjuror said, turning to the one who remained. He was a tall, chubby fellow, with rosy cheeks, who seemed purposely made for the repast of an

epicurean cannibal.

"Well, my stout friend, so you consent to be eaten alive?"

"Yes, sir, I am quite willing, and came here for that purpose.' "Ah! ah! that is capital!" (Here Castelli licked his lips like a gourmet, whose mouth waters at the sight of a dainty dish.) "As I have a powerful appetite, we will begin directly."

At this moment a gigantic cruet-stand was brought in. The stout youth regarded it with surprise, as if trying to discover the use of this strange utensil

"Don't mind it, pray!" said Castelli. "I am very fond of hot dishes, so allow me to pepper and salt you in my usual fashion."

And he began covering the unhappy man with a white powder, which, adhering to his hair, face, and clothes, soon gave him an extraordinary appearance. The stout youth, who at the beginning had tried torival the conjuror's gaiety, did not laugh now, and seemed earnestly to desire the end of the jest.

WATILBY

"Now, then!" Castelli added, rolling his eyes about ferociously, "kneel down, and hold your hands over your head. Very good, my friend: it really looks as if you had never followed any other trade than being eaten alive. Now, then, say your prayers, and Ï will begin. Are you ready?

"Yes, sir," the stout lad muttered, turning quite yellow with emotion, "I am ready."

Castelli then took the end of the patient's thumb in his mouth, and bit it so hard that the latter, as if working by a spring, jumped up, shouting energetically

"Confound it, sir, take care; you hurt me!"

"What! I hurt you?" Castelli said, with perfect calmness. "What will you say, then, when I reach your head? It was really absurd of you to cry out like a baby at the first mouthful. Come, be reasonable: let me go on. I am frightfully hungry, and long for my supper."

And Castelli, thrusting him by the shoulders, tried to make him take his first position. But the young man resisted with all his strength, as he cried, in a voice palsied with fear, "I won't have it: I tell you I won't have it. You hurt me too much!" At length, by a supreme effort, he escaped from

his tormentor's hands. During this time the audience, foreseeing the result of this amusing scene, had been shouting with laughter, and Castelli found some difficulty in gaining a hearing.

"Gentlemen!" he said, assuming a tone of the deepest disappointment," you see me both surprised and vexed at the flight of that gentleman, who had not the courage to allow himself to be caten. Now, I expect some one to take his place; for, far from shunning the performance of my promise, I feel so comfortable that I pledge myself, after eat

But I couldn't but think it extremely absurd That a "No" was the same as a "Yes."

The hand of my beautiful Bess;

"I now recollect-what the grammar has shownTwo negatives equal a "Yes."

Mr. G.-How came he to get so much horseflesh?

Steward.-All your father's horses, sir.
Mr. G.-What! are they dead too?
Steward.-Ay, sir, they died of over-work.

Mr. G.-And why were they over-worked, pray?
Steward. To carry water, sir.

Mr. G.-To carry water! And what were they carrying water for?

Steward.--Sure, sir, to put out the fire.

Mr. G.-Fire! what fire?

Steward. Oh, sir, your father's house is burnt down to the ground.

JERVAS.

TAT.

the doors times."

are always open at convenient The Quaker immediately entered his action against the parson for forty shillings. The parson inquired for what he owed him the money.

Truly, friend," replied the Quaker, "for trimming."

"For trimming!" said the parson; "why, I was never trimmed by you in my life."

"Oh! but thou might'st have come and been trimmed, if thou had'st pleased, for my doors are always open at convenient times, as well as thine."

A THIEVING fellow, naturally sly, Cheaper than all the world," his wares would cry,

And on a jackass' back such bargains brought 'em

All sized and sorted town-made brooms,
For sweeping tables, gardens, hearths, or

rooms,

So cheap! as quite astonished all who bought

'em.

Thus, for a while, he drove a roaring trade, And wisely thought a pretty purse to have made, When on a dismal day, at every door, Where oft he'd sold his dog-cheap goods before, With freezing looks, his customers all told him, Another broom-monger they'd found

That travell'd far and wide the country round, And in all sorts and sizes under-sold him.

Scratching his wig he left 'em, musing deep, With knitted brows-up to his ears in thought, To guess, where in the world could brooms be bought,

That any mortal man could sell so cheapWhen lo! as through the street he slowly passes,

A voice as clear as raven's, owl's, or ass's, And just as musical, rung in his ears, like thunder (Half splitting his thick head, and wig cramm'd full of wonder),

With roaring out "Cheap brooms!" O'erjoy'd c

meets

His brother brush, and thus the rascal greets :-
"How, how the dickens, brother rogue, do I
Hear my old friends sing out a general cry
That I'm a knave! then growl like bears, and tell

me

That you do more

Than all the world could ever do before, And in this self-same broom-trade undersell me? I always thought I sold 'em cheap enough, And well I might--for why? (Twixt you and I)

I own, I now and then have stole the stuff!" "Ah!" quoth his brother thief (a dog far deeper), "I see, my boy, you haven't half learnt your trade;

I go a cheaper way to work than that." "A cheaper?"

"Why, ah-I always steals mine ready-made!"

A GENTLEMAN who happened to have an interview with President Lincoln, just previous to the battle of Gettysburg, turned the conversation on the rebel invasion of Pennsylvania, and made the remark that the rebels were splendidly armed. There's no doubt of that," replied Mr. Lincoln, "because we supplied them with the best we had." The visitor then expressed a confident hope that Meade would nevertheless be able to beat Lee and capture his whole army. The president replied that he was afraid there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled politely at the allusion, supposing that there must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "Ah, you don't know what nigger mathematics is," said Mr. Lincoln, "Lay down your hat for a

minute, and I'll tell you. There was a darkey in my neighbourhood called Pompey, who, from a. certain quickness in figuring up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical genius. Mr. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and called to see him. 'Hear ye're a great mat'm'tishun, Pompey.' 'Yes, sar, you jus try.' 'Well, Pompey, I'ze compound a problem in mat'matics.' right, sar. Now, Pompey, s'pose der am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail fence, and you fire a gun at 'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two, ob coors,' replies Pompey, after a little woolscratching. Ya, ya, ya!' laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's none left; one's dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' That's

All