I Do think if there is a thing as I hates in this world it's havin' the sweeps, as always reminds me of him as didn't ought to be mentioned for blackness, and is the dirtiest job in all the world, for that soot is stuff for to fly like chaff before the wind, as the sayin' is.

But I says, "Sarah Ann, we must have 'em sooner or later, and pr'aps it will be as well for to have 'em well over; so," I says, "step over and ask Mrs. Brocksop if she can come for half a day, as will help you clean up, and you may tell them sweeps if they can't be here by six they may stop away."

It so happened as Brown was in one of his contrary humours that night, and nothin' didn't seem to go right with him.

I says to him, "If you don't fancy liver and bacon don't eat it, as is only half a pound, and the gal will relish."

It's a thing I wouldn't eat if you'd crown me, and was a-takin' a bit of toasted cheese myself, as Brown was that snappish over, a-sayin' as I must have the stomach of a horse for to eat that leather, and he knowed I should be 'avin' of them startin' dreams as made me hit him in the eye, a-fancyin' as he was young Robison at the corner, as is always a-settin' of his dog at our cat.

I'appened just to let the sweeps drop accidental to him as he was a-smokin' his pipe, and if he didn't go on till my temper got put out. I says, "Mr. Brown, if you likes to live in a hog-sty with smoky chimblys, you may do it in welcome; but," I says, "I never will. I never heard such a man in all my born days, as is out of all reason in your ways, and would glory in seein' your house in flames, with engines a-plyin' all over the street and plugs a-spoutin' in all directions." I says, "If I was a-goin' to thrust a tender infant up the flue as might stick with straw lighted to the soles of his feet you might talk; but," I says, "it's a thing as I never could a-bear from the time as the skeleton come down the chimbly in Peckham Rye, the first night as the parties moved in and lighted the fire in the front kitchen, as was supposed to be a sweep as had been forgot." I says, "A lifeless ramonure can't have no feeling, as I have put it off from week to week, and often stood over the gal myself and see her put the broom up as far as she could reach, and brought down pecks. I'm sure the turn as it give me a-lookin' up last Sunday evenin' and seein' the red-hot soot in layers, as it seems always to do on a Sunday evenin' as though for the purpose."

So Brown he says, "If you're a-goin' to mag on like that about the sweeps, I wish as they'd take a fancy to you and carry you off with the soot."

I says, "Mr. Brown, if you'd like to see me took out in a sack, pr'aps it's carried out altogether as you wishes me," and I was that hurt as I busted

into tears.

But, bless you! he didn't mean it, for though rough temper at times he's as fine a hearted man

as ever lived, and he come round in a instant, and said as he wouldn't part with me not for sacks upon sacks of sov'reigns, let alone soot; and we had a drop of somethin' hot, and he says to me, "Don't you be a-gettin' out of your warm bed in the mornin' to let them sweeps in; if the gal don't hear 'em, wake me." I didn't say nothin', but had my thoughts.

I don't think as it could have been the toasted cheese, but somethin' made me dream frightful, for I thought I was old Marney the sweep, and had stuck in the back kitchen chimbly, and nearly fell out of bed in my struggles to extricate myself, and then I dreamt as Brown was old Marney, and was puttin' me into the soot-bag head foremost, and kicked that wiolent as woke Brown up. I was dozin' off when I heard the bell, and set bolt up in bed, for I was dreamin' of fire.

I says, "That gal won't never hear 'em," for I do believe as she'd sleep the clock round, as the sayin' is, and as Brown was in a sound sleep through bein' disturbed twice, I thought as I'd slip on my gown and go down.

I never did hear such tyrants to ring as them sweeps, and I really thought as they'd have tore the bell down by the roots, as the sayin' is. Well, down I goes, for as to callin' to that gal it's no more use than whistlin' to a pig, and there was a cuttin' wind a-blowin' as sweeps must feel though they are black.

Of all the tempers as that old Marney showed I never did, a-shovin' at the door afore I could get it opened, and sendin' me back agin the wall with the key a-takin' me in the chest, and usin' words a-pretendin' as he thought I were the gal, and if I had been he hadn't no right to use that langwidge to. I says, "Go down and do the kitchen first," as I'd see was ready over night, "and the gal will be down to show you what's next."

I spoke short like, for I didn't hold with old Marney's ways, as is a old brute to his second wife, young enough to be his daughter, and I never would have in my house, only the other sweep was transported through a-takin' a teapot away in his sack from the widder lady opposite.

I called that gal up and then goes to bed for half an hour. When I got up and went down to the kitchen you might have knocked me down with a feather, for there was the sweeps still there.

I says, "Whatever are you a-doin'? "Why, a-sweepin' your chimbly, as is as crooked as a ram's horn, and has broke my brush, and bo hanged to it."

Leastways he said it was hanged as he uttered, but it didn't sound like that to me.

I says, "You've been time enough over it anyhow." He says, "The front kitchen was a long job."

"The front kitchen!" I says with a scream. "Whatever do you mean? Why, it ain't a kitchen, and wasn't to be swep'," and in I rushes and thought as I should have dropped, for if that

dratted gal hadn't been and let them sweep the chimbly, and never moved a thing.

I says, "You good-for-nothin', idle, lazy hussy!" "It wasn't my fault," she says, "they began it afore I was down."

"Then why wasn't you down?" If she didn't say, "If you hadn't gone down a-fidgetin' and lettin' them in it wouldn't have 'appened."

"You told me to do the kitchen first with your own lips," growls old Marney. I says, "It ain't a kitchen, you idjeot."

"Then it did ought to be," says he. "I ain't no patience with such stuck-up ways, as if a kitchen wasn't good enough for you."

It did put me out to be cheeked like that on my own premises; so I says, "Get out of the place this moment, you good-for-nothin' old brute. How dare you come here and spile my carpet, and cover everythin' with your soot?" as had begrimed the place from top to bottom, and nowhere for to have breakfast.

I do believe it was all that gal's spite, because I'd give her warnin' on the Monday through her givin' me a lot of impudence over the grease-pot, as I never will allow any more than a pig-wash tub,

443

as I've known the tea-spoons to be thrown in. Old Marney he wanted eighteenpence for the front room, a-stickin' to it as it were a kitchen.

I says, "Never in this world." He says, "I'll summons you, see if I don't."

I says, "Do it," and off he goes in a reg'lar huff. But when Brown came down he made me send the money, sayin' as he wouldn't have no summonses nor rows; but certainly it went agin me to pay him, and couldn't help a-chucklin' when I heard his wife's brother had come in and caught him a-rasin' his hand agin her, and had given him his own ramonures over his shoulders, and the magistrate dismissed the summons as he took out agin him.

But all I've got to say is, that I do wish as they'd invent somethin' as would consume its own soot, for them sweeps is my constant dread; and as to old Marney, I'd rather sweep the chimblys with my own hands than he should ever darken my doors agin, as left his marks all along the passage, and shook out his soot-bags in the front garden for spite, as the place was pisened with for many a day, and flew into the parlour-winders, and begrimed them from top to bottom.

AN Irishman tells of a fight in which there was but one whole nose left in the crowd, "and that belonged to the tay-kettle."

THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, hit it.'

PAT and his whiskey resemble each other; they come out to most advantage in hot water.

THE Mayor of Halifax, at a certain dinner of the Halifax licensed victuallers, stated that an application had been made to him a few days ago by an

Irishman for a testimonial of character.

The

mayor told him that he had never seen him before. The Irishman promptly answered, “Faith, your worship, and that is the very reason I come to you. I have never been summoned before you, nor fined, and you never had any trouble with me."

Two Irishmen meeting one day, one of them inquired of the other if he had seen his friend Pat Murphy lately: "For," said he, "he has grown so thin that you would not know him at all. You are thin, and I am thin, but, by the powers, he is thinner than both of us put together.'

Ar a review in Ireland, a company of thirty, receiving the word "fire," pulled so irregularly that the reports were in a great measure individualised, whereupon the captain called out, "Why, how now! only twenty-eight have fired; where are the other two?"

AN Irishman, on being told to grease the wagon, returned in an hour afterwards, and said, "I've greased every part of the wagon but them sticks the wheels hang on."

“PLAZE, sir,” said an Irishman to a traveller, "would yez be so oblaiging as to take me great

66

"sho

"On, she was a jewel of a wife!" said Pat, mourning over the loss of his better half; always struck me with the soft end of the mop." engagement, wrote to his owners that he had A CAPTAIN of a privateer, who had been in an received but little damage, having only one of his hands wounded in the nose.

A PRIVATE Soldier in one of the Irish regiments engaged in the dreadful battle of Salamanca cried murther, I'm kilt entirely!" "Are you wounded?" out, during the hottest part of the action, "Och, inquired an officer near him. "Wounded is it, yer honour?" replied the gallant Emeralder: "be the powers, I am worse than kilt out and out! Wasn't I waiting for the last quarter of an hour for a pull at Jim Murphy's pipe ?-and there, now, it's shot out of his mouth!”

AN Irish regiment having displayed some alarming symptoms of mutiny, a general officer was sent to bring it to order. The men were all drawn up before him, and he gave the word of command to shoulder arms. Not a man stirred. Calling up a sergeant, "Why," said he, "don't the men obey?" Och, your honour," said the Milesian, putting his hand to his hat, "it's becase the offishers and the men are not just now upon spaking

terms."

BOOK

THE Duke de Fronsac, son of Marshal Richelieu, leaving the opera one evening in a very magnificent coat, had the two skirts cut off. He went from the opera to an evening assembly, and was soon made aware, by the laughter with which he was greeted, of what had occurred to him. On the following morning a very respectable-looking man called at his house, and desired to see him on urgent business. When the stranger had been admitted to the duke's presence he said, "Sir, I have been sent by the lieutenant of the police, who has been informed of what happened to you last night, to request you will be good enough to send him your coat from which the skirts were severed, in order that, when the thieves are discovered, the skirts may be matched with the coat." The duke, delighted at the vigilance of the police, at once caused the coat to be handed over to the stranger, whom he only subsequently discovered to be acting in concert with those who, having stolen his skirts, wanted to complete the coat for their own purposes.

DINNER SPEECHIFYING.-The following is a good satire on the speechifying at public dinners:-After the gentleman whose health is to be drunk in his absence, has given the hint to his neighbour to prepare it, he must retire. (There is no necessity to specify to the company his particular motive to withdraw.) When he returns he will find a full glass of Madeira before him, with a cigar across it; he must then manifest a certain degree of surprise, and call up a smile of satisfaction, being very cautious that it may not be mistaken for a sneer. He must close his eyes for a few moments, as if collecting his energies for an extemporaneous explosion; his own tact must teach him how long he may trespass upon the patience of his hearers; he must then commence thus: "Hem!"-open eyes-" hem !"-look complacently at the president, and ditto at the party. "Mr. President, hem, and. Gentlemen-unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, and unaware of the honour you have done me in my absence-hem! -I say, done me in my absence-hem !-I am at a loss to express myself on the honour you have done me in my absence-hem!" Here a slight cough may be introduced to gain time; what is called a hacking cough is preferable, as its frequent recurrence is more convenient. "Before I sit down, I shall not be, on my part, backward in expressing my thanks-I say, before I sit down, I shall not be, on my part, backward-hem! Should I live for ages, gentlemen-I mean those ages that are yet to come-the remembrance, the grateful remembrance, of this hour-this glorious hourwill be remembered in my memory"-(lights the

cigar)-"and, gentlemen, in conclusion, the reminiscence shall ever live in my recollection."

SECURING A PLACE.-A gentleman possessed of a small estate in Gloucestershire was allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a long while to no pur

pose; at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him that he had obtained a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and said he was much rejoiced at the event. "But pray, sir, said he, "where is your place ?" "In the Gloucester coach," replied the other; "I secured it last night, and so goodbye to you."

CANDLE-LIGHT WARS.--A woman in the country went for a pound of candles, when, to her great astonishment and mortification, she was informed they had risen a penny in the pound since her last purchase of them. "Why," said she, "what can be the cause of so exorbitant a rise as a penny ?" "I can't tell," said the man, "but I believe it is principally owing to the war." "Why!" cried she, "do they fight by candle-light?"

MUTUAL ACCOMMODATION.-A student in one of the universities sent to another to borrow a certain book. "I never lend my books out," said he; "but if the gentleman chooses to come to my chambers, he may make use of it as long as he pleases." A few days after, he that had refused bellows. "I never lend my bellows out," said the the book sent to the other to borrow a pair of other; "but if the gentleman chooses to come to my chambers, he may make use of them as long as he pleases."

EQUITABLE ADJUSTMENT.-A hackney coachman, having had a busy day, went into an alehouse to regale himself, and sat in a box adjoining to one in which his master was seated. John, not suspecting who was his neighbour, began to divide his earnings in a manner not uncommon among the brothers of the whip, saying, "A shilling for master, a shilling for myself;" which he continued till he came to an odd sixpence, that puzzled him a good deal, as he was willing to make a fair division. The master, overhearing his perplexity, said to him, "You may as well let me have that sixpence, John, because I keep the horses, you know."

MR. MONEY, a little dapper man, was dancing at the York Assembly, with a tall lady of the name of Bond. Sterne, on observing them, remarked, "There was a great Bond for a little Money."

OUTWITTED.-A man once asked an honest Quaker where his religion was before George Fox's time? Where thine was," replied he, "before Harry Tudor's time. Now thou hast been free with me," added the Quaker, "pray let me ask thee a question. Where was Jacob going when he was turned of ten years of age? canst thou tell that?"" "No,

nor you either, I believe." "Yes, I can," replied the Quaker; "he was going into his eleventh year, was he not ?"

PARISH FEELING.-A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all wept except one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, "Oh!" said he, "I belong to another parish."

66

WILKES AND SIR WILLIAM STAINES.-Sir William

Staines, by persevering steadily in the pursuit of one object, accumulated an immense fortune, and rose progressively from the dignity of Common Council-man to the state coach and the Mansion House. His first entrance into life was as a common bricklayer. At one of the Old Bailey dinners, his lordship, after a sumptuous repast on turbot and venison, was eating an immense quantity of butter with his cheese. 66 Why, brother," said Wilkes, "you lay it on with a trowel."

""Tis strange," uttered young Verdant Green, as he staggered back to his rooms, after his first initiation into the mysteries of a college supper party, ""Tis strange how evil communications corrupt good manners. I've been surrounded by tumblers all the evening, and now I'm a tumbler myself."

SOLILOQUY.-A person in company said in a violent passion to another, "You are a liar! a scoundrel!" The other, with great composure, turned round to the company and said to them, "You must not mind what this poor fellow says, it's a way he has; he was only talking to himself."

A LOVER received the following note, accompanied by a bouquet of flowers: "Deer I send you bi the boy a buckett of flours. They is like my love for u. The nite shaid menes kepe dark. The dog fenil menes I am ure slaive. Rosis red and posis pail; mi luv for u shall never fale."

A CANDIDATE for auditor of public accounts was suddenly called upon for a speech. On rising, he commenced :-"Fellow-citizens, you have called on me for a few remarks. I have none to make. have no prepared speech. Indeed, I am no speaker; I do not desire to be a speaker; I only want to be an auditor."

445

Ir must have been a tough rooster that crowed after being boiled two hours, and then, being put in a pot with potatoes, kicked them all out.

Ir is refreshing to come across such a gem as the following:"The first bird of spring attempted to sing,

But ere he had sounded a note He fell from the limb-a dead bird was him

The music had friz in his throat!"

JUNIUS'S LETTERS.-When the late Sir Philip Francis was one day at Holland House, the lady of the mansion induced Mr. Rogers, the poet, to ask the knight if he really was the author of "Junius's Letters." The bard, knowing the knight's austere character, addressed him with modest hesitation, asking if he might be permitted to propose a question. Sir Philip, anticipating what was to come, exclaimed in a severe tone, "At your peril, sir;" upon which Mr. Rogers observed that if Sir Philip was really Junius, he was certainly Junius Brutus."

WHEN Christina of Sweden came to Paris, the great ladies of the Court rushing to kiss her on her arrival, she exclaimed, "Why, they seem to take me for a gentleman!"

"APOLLO," says Swift, "was held the god of physic, and sender of diseases. Both were originally the same trade, and still continue so."

PLAIN TRUTH.-A town beggar was very importunate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase: "Pray, sir, bestow your charity; good, dear sir, bestow your charity." "Prithee, friend, be quiet," replied the miser; "I have it not."

A SUFFICIENT REASON.-A drunken fellow, having sold all his goods except his feather-bed, at last made away with that too; and his conduct being reproved by some of his friends, "Why," said he, "I am very well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed?"

LOUIS XVI. was playing at a game with some of his courtiers one day, when a disputed point

it to you," exclaimed the "I refer

to the

Count de Grammont, who was approaching at the time. "Your majesty," replied the count, "is wrong." "How can you say I am wrong when you do not yet know the question ?" "Do you not see," answered Grammont, " that if the point had been ever so little doubtful, all these gentlemen (pointing to the bystanders) would have decided it in your favour ?"

THE PLOUGHBOY.-A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a ploughboy left his work and went home; but his master, seeing him there, told him he should not have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the future he would stay till