A TOAST BY ARCHDEACON DENISON. Ar an East Brent Harvest Home festival the archdeacon said:-"Lest there should be anyone left out in that great assembly, lest there should be any one able to go away and say, 'My health was not drunk,' he would propose a toast which he had written down, for fear he should not remember it, and it was this: 'Here's a health to all those that we love, Here's a health to all those that love us, Here's a health to all those that love them That love those that love them That love us.'" In compliance with the president's wish, the guests greeted the humorous toast with "all the cheers they had left in them." ODE TO MY DEARER to me than I dared to think, Dearer to me than the flowering pink, Dearer to me than many I've known WIFE'S MILLINER. Of the little milliners now full blown. CONNUBIAL. "THERE'S no humbug about these sardines," | into measures which are calculated to destroy said Brown, as he helped himself to a third plate- the constitution." ful from a newly-opened box; "they are the genuine article, and came all the way from the Mediterranean." "Yes," replied his economical wife, "and if you will only control your appetite, they will go a great deal further." Brown did not ask for any more. "You may depend upon me wife; I give you my word." “I had rather you would sometimes keep it, sir.' BLESS the wives! they fill our hives with little bees and honey; they ease life's shocks, they mend our socks-but don't they spend the money? When we are sick they heal us quick -that is, if they do love us; if not we die, and yet they cry, and raise tombstones above us. MR. JENKINS playfully remarked to his wife that in her he possessed four fools. "Who are they?" she asked. "Beautifool, dutifool, youthfool, and delightfool," said he. You have the advantage of me, my dear," she replied; "I have but one fool." 66 WEDLOCK's a very awful thing; Which requires great nerve to When one of a great equestrian Makes a jump at a gilded hoop, After his getting through it. A TANNER having married the daughter of an eminent butcher, the bells were rung on the occasion. A gentleman asked another what the peal was for: "Only a union," said he, "between skin and bone." A YOUTH, who much desired to wear the matrimonial yoke, had not sufficient courage to "pop the question." On informing his father of the difficulty he laboured under, the old gentleman replied passionately, "Why, you great booby, how do you suppose I managed when I got married? Oh, yes," said the bashful lover, "you married mother, but I've got to marry a strange girl." A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady that she had better precipitate herself from off the rocks and fall into the basin beneath, than marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should find a husband at the bottom." "ACCORDING to Milton, Eve kept silence in Eden to hear her husband talk," said a gentleman to his wife, and then added, in a melancholy tone, 'Be"Alas! there have been no Eves since." cause there have been no husbands worth listening to," was the quick retort. 46 A GENTLEMAN, just arrived at Dublin, put up at an inn, and hearing a noise in the next room, like somebody pricking the wainscot with a sword, asked what it was. 66 Och, and plase your honour," said the waiter, "it's only Lord C- pushing a little, because he expects a party to dinner to-day; and he is practising, in case he should have to fight with any of his friends." "PADDY," said an employer to his labourer, "you are to begin work at five in the morning, and leave at seven in the afternoon." "Sure, sir," said Paddy, "wouldn't it be better to begin at sivin in the morning, and lave at five in the afternoon?" do you call yourself a boy?" asked the barrister. "Why, do I look like a girl?" was Pat's quick rejoinder. "BRIDGET, I told you to have my hot water ready the first thing in the morning." "Shure, sir," replied Bridget, didn't I bring it up and lave it at the dure last night, so as to have it in time?" 66 AN Irishman, illustrating the horrors of solitary confinement, stated that out of one hundred persons sentenced to endure this punishment for life, only fifteen survived it. A PHYSICIAN prescribed brandy to wash the inflamed eyes of a female patient. Meeting her husband soon after, he asked if the lady had followed his advice. "She has done everything in her power to do it," answered the goodman (an Irishman); "but, somehow or other, she never could get the glass higher than her mouth." A STRANGER being at a tavern where the cook was dressing some carp, observed some of them more after they were put into the pan; being much surprised at this, Teague said, "Now, of all the Christian craturs I ever saw, this carp will live the longest of any fish after it is dead." DURING the troublous times of 1798, a watchword was required of every passenger after a certain hour, with liberty for the sentinel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless Irishman travelling from Kilmainey to Kilmore, being asked concerning his place of departure and place of destination, answered, to the no small alarm of the inquirer, "I have been to kill-many, and am going to kill-more." "That you shan't," cried the sentinel, and immediately took the man prisoner. An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman observed that he had read it in a book several years ago. "Confound those ancients! said the Irishman, "they are always stealing one's good thoughts." ANOTHER much addicted to telling strange stories, said he saw a man beheaded with his hands tied behind him, who directly picked up his head and put it on his shoulders in the right place. "Ha, ha, ha!" said a bystander, "how could he pick up his head when his hands were tied behind him ?" "And sure what a purty fool ye are!" said Pat, "and couldn't he pick it up with his teeth?" 66 OCH, an' what's yer honour agoin' to give me, seein' as it's myself that saved yer honour's house from turnin' to ashes intirely?" "How so, Pat?" "An' sure, when it cotched afire, wasn't I the second cne that hollered fire first?" "SUSAN," said an Irishman to his fellow-servant, "what are the bells ringing for?" "In honour of the princess's birthday," was the reply. "Be aisy, jewel," rejoined Pat, "none of your tricks upon travellers; 'twas the Prince of Wales's on the ninth, and how can it be his sister's twelve days after, unless indade they were twins?" EARLY AN Alumnus who has been delving among the traditions of Harvard unearths the following:Forty years ago, John Quincy Adams was President of the United States, and his cousin Josiah Quincy was President of Harvard University; and both had the reputation of being very early risers and hard students. While spending the hot months of summer at his Quincy home, the President of the United States drove over to see his brother President of the University. After a long and friendly conversation, Mr. Adams remarked that he was about to call at the Law School on Judge Story, and Mr. Quincy accompanied him. On their arrival they found the professor in the midst of a law lecture. They were, however, cordially welcomed, the judge being evidently pleased by the arrival of his distinguished visitors, whom he assigned to a seat on each side of him, and then as in duty bound continued his lecture. After he RISING. had proceeded awhile on a very dry point of law, he noticed on the countenances of most of the students a smile totally unsuitable to the character of the lecture he was delivering. The smile continued to spread till it passed round the whole room, and then grew into an almost audible laugh. The astonished professor, seeing no cause for the giggling, hesitated for an instant; then happening to look on his right hand, he saw Mr. Quincy sound asleep, his head industriously nodding towards the corner of the room. Looking hastily on his left, he saw Mr. Adams just as soundly asleep, his head nodding in the opposite direction. The professor instantly saw the joke. Stretching out his hands towards his two distinguished visitors, he remarked to the students, "Gentlemen, you see before you the unfortunate victims of too early rising." The burst of laughter that ensued awoke both sleepers. SOME VERSES TO SNAIX. BY BINKS. PRODIGGUS reptile! long and skaly kuss! Stoopenjus inseck! marvelous annimile! I wonder how big yu was when yu Yu are havin' a nice time now, cnnyhow- You are so mighty long, I shud thynk SWEARING. In a Western novel, "Robert Greathouse," an amusing instance is given of that tendency existing in the uneducated mind to confound profanity with the solemn taking of an oath. Jack Gowdy, an ignoran tstage-driver, desiring information about an affidavit he wishes to make, asks a lawyer: "Is the swearing very tall? Is the swearing such very hard swearing that it takes a scientific man to do it? Suppose a gentleman not a professional man in such matters, nor yet a scientific man, but say a man who never swore much except privately on his own account, at stable-men and ostlers, and faro-dealers when they did not pull the cards square, and abolitionists and free niggers occasionally in a general way; suppose, I say, such a man as that should commence swearing up this case, say this evening, as soon as we could commence work, and we should keep it up steady, without interruption, till tomorrow morning at five o'clock, do you think we could fetch it up to the notch? Yes? Then it would gratify me very much if I could take a swear at them there documents." The consequence was that the man was sworn. WHAT are mortals made of?— By analysation I've tried all the nation, What are our dandies made of?— Stays tight-laced-a head like a bear- What are our fiddlers made of?— Hoarded riches, and landed estate; Worn-out smalls, and a very bald pateAnd such are old bachelors made of! What are our soldiers made of?— What are our sailors made of?- Of crotchets and quavers and great people's Lots of prize-money, and cash galore, favours; Catgut to tease-horsehair to please, What are old bachelors made of?— A fiddler, grog, and sweethearts on shore- What are young ladies made of?— Of concerts and dances-sanctified glances; What are our actors made of?— Of masquerade speeches, sham fights in the breaches; MANGLING ENGLISH. THERE is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down on customers who do not speak properly. "What's eggs this morning?" says a customer. "Eggs of course," says the dealer. "I mean, how do they go?" "Go?where?" "Pshaw!" says the customer, getting up his fury, "what for eggs?" "Money, money, sir, or good endorsed credit," says the dealer. "Don't you understand the English language, sir?" says the customer. "Not as you mix and mangle it, I don't," responded the egg-merchant. "What-is-the-price-per-dozen-for-your eggs?" "Ah! now you talk," said the dealer; "eightpence per dozen is the price." They traded. GUILTY-BUT DRUNK. ANY years ago, while the one common fault. His social qualities would lead him, despite his judgment, into frequent excesses. In travelling the circuit, it was his almost invariable habit, the night before opening the court, to get "comfortably corned," by means of appliances common upon such occasions. If he couldn't succeed while operating by himself, the members of the bar would generally turn in and help him. It was in the spring of the year: taking his wife -a model of a woman in her way-in the oldfashioned but strong "carry-all," he journeyed some forty miles, and reached a village where "court" was to be opened the next day. It was along in the evening of Sunday that he arrived at the place, and took up quarters with a relation of his "better half," by whom the presence of an official dignitary was considered a singular honour. After supper, Judge Brown strolled over to the only tavern in the town, where he found many old friends, called to the place, like himself, on important professional business, and who were very glad to meet him. "Gentlemen," said the judge, "'tis quite a long time since we have enjoyed a glass together-let us take a drink all round. Of course, Sterritt (addressing the landlord), you have better liquor than you had the last time we were here?-the stuff you had then was not fit to give a dog!" Sterritt, who had charge of the house, pretended that everything was right, and so they went to work. It is unnecessary to enlarge upon a drinking bout in a country tavern-it will quite answer our purpose to state that somewhere in the region of midnight the judge wended his very devious way towards his temporary home. About the time he was leaving, however, come younger barristers, fond of a practical," and not much 66 afraid of the bench, transferred all the silver spoons of Sterritt to the judge's coat-pocket. It was eight o'clock on Monday morning that the judge rose. Having indulged in the process of ablution, and partaken of a cheerful and refreshing breakfast, he went to his room to prepare himself for the duties of the day. "Well, Polly," said he to his wife, "I feel much better than I expected to feel after that frolic of last night." "Ah, judge!" said she, reproachfully, "you are getting too old-you ought to leave off that busi ness." 66 Ah, Polly! what's the use of talking?" It was at this precise instant of time that the judge, having put on his overcoat, was proceeding, according to his usual custom, to give his wife a "What on earth's the matter, judge?" 66 64 Just look at these spoons!" Dear me, where d'ye get them?" "Get them? Don't you see the initials on them?"-extending them towards her-"I stole them!" |