group around the duke & scene of plunging, kicking, and rearing, in the midst of which in dashed my grandfather. Down went an aide-de-camp at one side; 176 plunged, and off went the town-major at the other, while a stroke of a sabre, kindly intended for my grandfather's skull, came down on the horse's back and made him give plunge the third, which shot his rider out of the saddle, and sent him flying through the air like a shell, till he alighted under the leaders of a carriage, where the duchess and the ladies of honour were seated. "Twenty people jumped from their horses now to finish him; if they were hunting a rat, they couldn't have been more venomous. 666 66 6 through the fir copse at the end of the field, and 'Stop! stop!' said the duke; 'he's a capital fellow, don't hurt him. Who are you, my brave little man? You ride like Chifney for the Derby.' Goodness knows who I am!' says my grandfather, creeping out, and wiping his face. I was Dodd and Dempsey when I left home this morning; but I'm bewitched.' 666 'Dempsey, my lord duke,' said M'Claverty, coming up at the moment. Don't you know him? and he whispered a few words in his Grace's ear. "Oh, yes, to be sure,' said the viceroy. "They tell me you have a capital pack of hounds, Dempsey. What do you hunt? "Horse, foot, and dragoons, my lord,' said my grandfather; and, to be sure, there was a jolly roar of laughter after the words, for poor D. and D. was just telling his mind, without meaning anything more. "Well, then,' said the duke, "if you've always as good sport as to-day, you've capital fun of it." Oh! delightful, indeed!' said my grandfather; Where's his horse ?' said his Grace. "He jumped down into the sand quarry and broke his neck.'" ORDINARY PRECAUTIONS. NEVER on a journey be without something in your stranger to you, he or she might look upon your pockets, even if it's only your hands. Before you imperil yourself, consider1st. If a family man, what your wife would say. This would almost necessitate taking a cab and going home at once to see her upon the subject. 2nd. Whether assisting the sufferers may not result in personal inconvenience to yourself; as, for instance, being at some future time called in as a witness. 3rd. That your motives might be misconstrued by any policeman who might chance to see you. 4th. The influence of natural modesty. Consider that there are so many people in London much better qualified to be of service in such an accident than yourself. 5th. That you are not a medical man; or if you are, that there are a great number of the same profession far more experienced in these cases than yourself. 6th. That if the subject of the accident be a interference in the light of a "confounded liberty." Never push yourself forward. 7th. If the person is insensible and cannot speak, how do you know that he or she doesn't like the position? 8th. That it's just dinner-time and you must go home, or else you'd have been most happy, &c. &c. 9th. That it's no business of yours. There are many other considerations, but these are certainly among the chief. Avoid sentimentalism. When the weather threatens rain, walk into a club and select an umbrella. Never put off till to-morrow what can be done to-day, except in the case of a hole in your coat. If you tell your tailor that it must be done to-day, it's very evident that you'll have to put it off till to-morrow. Always have a good dinner and plenty of money. Ir is hard to speak of President Quincy and not recall his great absence of mind. He never knew his students by name, and on one occasion he forgot his own. It was the day that he moved from his Boston home on Park Street to the college. After his books had been deposited in one promiscuous heap on his new study floor, he busied himself for some hours in arranging them on the shelves. Feeling at length the need of fresh air, he went out for a short walk in the village into which he had that day moved. His mind was full of the great cares of his new work, yet he noticed, as he passed by, the Cambridge post office. Hurrying up to the windows, he inquired, " Any letters for me?" The postmaster looked up at the new face he had never seen before, and inquired, “What name?" Mr. Quincy was greatly taken aback by the question: the names of all his beloved books rose before him, but not his own name. Slowly turning away in mortification from the window, he was met by Professor Greenleaf of the Law School, who courteously saluted him with "Good morning, Mr. Quincy." "Ah!" said the relieved President, as he turned back to the astonished postmaster, "that's my name, Quincy-Josiah Quincy. Any letters for Josiah Quincy?" LITTLE I ask; my wants are few; Three courses are as good as ten; Thank Heaven for three-Amen! I always thought cold victual nice,My choice would be vanilla-ice, I care not much for gold or land; Give me a mortgage here and there, Some good bank-stock, some note of hand, I only ask that Fortune send Honours are silly toys, I know, And titles are but empty names; HOLMES. Jewels are baubles; 'tis a sin To care for such unfruitful things-One good-sized diamond in a pin, Some, not so large, in rings, A ruby, and a pearl or so, My dame should dress in cheap attire Some shawls of true CashmereSome narrowy crapes of China silk, Like wrinkled skins on scalded milk. Wealth's wasteful tricks I will not learn, Nor ape the glitt'ring upstart fool; Thus humble let me live and die, Nor long for Midas' golden touch; He must have the loquacity of a magician. He must know how to time a racehorse, gaff a cock, run a sawmill, keep an hotel, turn a double summersault, and brew whiskey. He must be up to a thing or two in political economy, au fait in the matter of cooking beans. On the trail of mysterious items he must be a veritable sleuth-hound. His hide must be like that of a rhinoceros. He must be insensible to the cruellest snubs, and manifest no sense of anger when he is kicked downstairs. He must throw modesty to the dogs, and let his tiger howl. But, above all, he must be an adept at the art of puffing. He must be ready at EDITOR." all times to say something funny in regard to Smith's grocery, or to surround Miss Flounce's millinery establishment with a halo of glowing adjectives. He must be enthusiastic on the subject of hams, verbose in extolling hardware. He must talk learnedly of panoramas, with a liberal admixture of knowing words, such as "warmth,” “tone,” "foreshortening," "high lights," "fore-grounds," &c. He must be heavy on concerts, with a capacity to appreciate Miss Squawks's execution of difficult feats in the "upper register;" ecstatic in praise of double-headed calves, and eloquent in behalf of fat women and living skeletons. HOW TO PLOT OUT AN SIFT card-rack for most respectable acquaintances. Frame invitations with lace borders. Sweep drawing-room quite clean, and shoot rubbish into back bed-room. Map out an artificial parterre on floor with chalk. Sow seed for seed-cake. Gather mustard for sandwiches. Beat about the bush for gooseberries, and put them in bottles, to come up as Champagne. Order in old man from greengrocer's, and put Berlin bags on his hands for gloves. Buy slip for new dress, and gather flowers in the Burlington Arcade for your hair. EVENING PARTY. Put the young twigs in their beds, but the elderly plants stick in library with cards. Lay traps for rich young men. Plant your company in rows and couples, and set musicians in full blow in corner of drawing-room. When they are a little faint, water them with sherry. Hang wall-flowers round the room. Dig for compliments, and run up a flirtation wherever you can fasten one. Above all, you must not fail to secure a husband, or else your plot will be without its greatest orna ment and centre. LAST winter, it is said, a cow floated down the Mississippi on a piece of ice, and caught such a cold that she has yielded nothing but ice-creams ever since. THE report that a member of Congress from the West made a speech so dull and heavy, that telegraph wires of ordinary strength broke down at every paragraph, while the operator was endeavouring to transmit it to the honourable gentleman's constituency, is doubtful. WE once heard of a Kentuckian, whose amazing strength was attended with fatal consequences. He was cutting a slice of bread-and-butter, when the knife slipped, and he cut himself in half, and two men behind him. A GROCER advertises in the Burlington Sentinel, in the following manner:-"Hams and cigars, smoked and unsmoked, sold by A. S. Dewey." AN American newspaper announces that it will publish original poetry on the same terms as advertisements. Ar an American trial, recently, the jury returned the following verdict:-"Guilty, with some little doubt as to whether he is the man." A STRANGE genius, in describing a lake in Min nesota, says it is so clear that by looking into it you can see them making tea in China. A MR. HENN has just started a new paper at Iowa. He says he hopes by hard scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens. AN old man and his son, neither of them well informed as to railroads and their uses, chanced one day to be at work in a field near a railroad track. Railroads were a novel "institution" to them; and when a train of cars shot by a thought was suggested to the lad, who said to his parent, "Dad, why don't you take a ride in the cars some day?" Take a ride in the cars? Why, I haint got time, my son." "Got time! Thunder! Ye can go anywhere in the cars quicker than ye can stay at home!" Dad's reply is not on record. A GOOD SIDE-SCENE.-A pretty cheek. 66 ADVICE TO EVENING-PARTY GIVERS. HAVING ascertained by measurement the exact number of persons that your rooms will hold, proceed to issue invitations for precisely double. Sow all your seedy-looking hats and great-coats in the cloak-room, that you may reap the benefit of some one possibly mistaking them. In hiring your musicians, accept the lowest tender, without making inquiries about their antecedents. It is possible you may but get some Gravesend-boat Green-baizers: in which case, like Swift's bear, your guests will dance to none but the "genteelest of tunes." BRIDGET'S STOCKINGS. FOIG A BALLAGH. then, you're going to spake yourself," was the equally polite reply of the wife. 66 66 66 'Is "Is this your brother, Pat ?" "Yis, sur." he not older than you?" "No, indade, sur, he's not." "Well, then, he is younger ?" 'No, sur, he's not." "Why, man, he must be either one or the other." "Faix, then, he's nayther." "Oh, then, you are twins." "Indade, now, and how did you know it ?" AN Irish soldier, who was boasting of his great Courage, was asked why he ran away in battle? "Faith," says Pat, "me heart is bowld as a lion-so it is; but I happen to have a pair of cowardly legs, which always run away with me body whin I'd be after the inimy, bad luck to them!" A TRAVELLER in Ireland complained of the badness of the roads, adding that wherever they were worst the miles appeared longer. "Sure, your honour," said the post-boy, "if the roads are bad, we give you good measure to them." AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, threatened, if he caught him, "he'd lock him up in the ice-house and warm his jacket." "SKIP the hard words, honey dear," said an Irish schoolmistress to one of her pupils; "they're only the names of some foreign countries, and yees niver will be in thim." AN Irishman going to market saw a farmer with an owl. "Say, misther, what will you take for 397 that big-eyed turkey?" ""Tis an owl," replied the astonished farmer. "Divil the bit do I care whether it is owld or young." No man can tell another's feelings. A stalwart Irish labourer was one day begging from a gentleman, who requested a medical man present to examine the said labourer. The labourer had enforced his plea with, "Yer hanner, I can't work." "I can find nothing the matter with you to prevent your working, my man," said the doctor. "Ah, that's thrue for you," replied Pat; "but then your hanner can't tell how lazy I feel." 66 66 Irish railway porter. 66 WHEN's the next train? said a tourist to an Oh, it's just gone, yer honour, worse luck!" replied Paddy, DENIS O'FLAHERTY said that his wife was very ungrateful, for "whin I married her she hadn't a rag to her back, and now she's covered with 'em." PATRICK'S TESTIMONY IN THE RIOT CASE.-"Be jabers, the first man I saw coming at me was two brickbats!" A POOR emaciated Irishman, having called a physician in a forlorn hope, the latter spread a huge mustard plaister, and clapped it on the poor fellow. Pat said, "Docther, dear, it strikes me that it's a dale of mustard for so little mate." AN Irishman writing from Ohio says it is the. most elegant place in the world. "The first three after that you are charged nothing at all. Come weeks," he says, "you are boarded gratis, and along, and bring the children." AN Irish paper says, At present the Scotch poor are not fed; they exist on the recollection of what they ate in former years." A FERMOY gentleman, speaking of a boat which he had built, said that he believed she was sunk; "at any rate," added he, "the last time I saw her she was out of sight." "WHAT an extraordinary curve your horse has "can you account for it?" "By the powers, sir, in the spine!" said a gentleman to an Irish farmer; and to be sure I am able. I have heard, sir, that before the baste was my property he was backed against another horse, your honour, who bate him hollow-and I dare say it's the raison that his back never got straight again." BY A SWEET-TEMPERED BETTER-HALF. HOME.-The place where children have their own way, and married men resort when they have nowhere else to keep themselves. WIFE.-The woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sew on buttons before they come off. BABY.-The thing on account of which its mother should never go to the opera, consequently need never have a new hat. DINNER. The meal which is expected to be in exact readiness whenever the master of the house happens to be at home to eat it, whether at twelve or half-past three o'clock. WASHING-DAY.-The time when a woman can throw a broom at a thievish dog, or say "I won't," without being thought cross by the amiable gentleman who sets himself up as a "lord of creation." ADVICE. Yu kant ask ennything ov a man that he luves to give more, and that kosts him less, than advize. It is hard work tu live on advize, and have ennything left over, unless you are speshially ordained. One ov mi friends, a fust-rate feller enuff, rote me a letter a short time sinse, advized me to start on a lekturcin tower. If thare is enny five or six things i dispize, it is a lekturing around the kuntry. If i was on the list of dokters of divinitee, with half-cured bronkeetis in my thrut, and had a lektur two hours and a half long on the kuller of the red sea, i presume i mite travel with it. Mi friend advized me to lektur on temperanse. I replied as follers : "Dear Sur,-I hav not konsidered lekturing on temperanse my speshial ordaining. I never found miself lodgeing around in sumboddy's gutter a fu years ago. I never pulled out awl of my wife's hair, nor sold enny of mi innocent little children to buy spirits with. I never had enny panes uv glass in my windows that were exclusively old hat. I haint adopted green specktacles on akount of the natral tendency to weak eyes that all our familee enjoys, and when I refleck that awl flesh iz grass, and that awl grass is apt tew wilt in a hot da, and i hav felt it my duta to straighten up my grass gently once in a while with a little good old rye, i am more and morely convinced that I never was speshially ordained tew lekture on temperanse and dew a fair job." |