"NEVER be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is to shut his eyes." CAUTIOUS PAT. A dying Irishman was asked by his confessor if he was prepared to renounce the devil and all his works. "Oh, your honour," said Pat, "don't ask me that; I'm going into a strange country, and I don't want to make myself enemies." PAT AND HIS PIG.-A rollicking Hibernian of the light division in the Peninsula was once trudging leisurely along the road with a pig in a string behind him, when, as bad luck would have it, he was overtaken by General Craufurd. The salutation, as may be supposed, was not the most cordial. "Where did you steal that pig, you plundering rascal?" "What pig, gineral?" exclaimed the culprit, turning round to him with an air of the most innocent surprise. "Why, that pig you have got behind you, you villain." "Well then, I vow and protest, gineral," rejoined Paddy, nothing abashed, and turning round to his fourfooted companion as if he had never seen him before, "it is scandalous to think what a wicked world we live in, and how ready folks are to take away an honest boy's character. Some blackguard, wanting to get me into trouble, has tied that baste to my cartouch-box!" AN Irish horse-dealer sold a fine blood-mare, warranting her sound, wind and limb, and without fault. The purchaser, on her being sent home, found, upon examination, that the sight of one of her eyes was quite gone. Upon this he waited on the dealer, and desired that she might be taken back and the purchase-money returned, reminding the seller that he declared the mare to be without fault. "To be sure, my dear, I did," replied Paddy; "blindness is not the poor creature's fault, but her misfortune." "Your money or your life!" Seeing that Pat was a novice, he said, "I tell you what I'll do. I'll give you all my money for that pistol." "Agreed." Pat received the money, and handed over the pistol. "Now," said the traveller, "hand back that money, or I'll blow your brains out." "Blaze away, my hearty," said Pat; "never a dhrop of powther there's in it." A YOUNG Irishman, placed by his friends as a student at the veterinary college, being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?" After considering for a moment, "By the Powers," said he, "I should advise the owner to sell as soon as possible." AN IRISH EXCULPATION.-"And it is upon the oaths of thim two witnesses yer honour's going to condimn me?" said Pat, to the judge about to pass sentence upon him. "Certainly," said the judge; "their testimony was ample to convince the jury of your guilt." 'Och, murther!" exclaimed Pat, "to condimn me on the oath of two spalpeens who swear they saw me take the goods, when I can bring a hundred who will swear they didn't see me do it." 66 AN Irish king-at-arms waited upon the Bishop of Kilaloe to summon him to Parliament. Being dressed, as the ceremony required, in his heraldic attire, the bishop's servant was so mystified with his appearance that, carrying off but a confused notion of his title, he announced him as "the King of Trumps." AN Irishman, in contending for the antiquity of certain families in his native country, urged, as a proof, that from time immemorial a certain constellation had borne the name of O'Ryan (Orion), adding "Sure, and iverybody knows that it was a prize-fighter he was, and that's how he came by the belt!" ALL the charm of the native is in his simplicity; as in the case of the tipsy reveller, who was harshly condemned by Alderman Porter to six months' imprisonment, with the remark that he might pass the time in cursing whiskey. "Bedad, I will," said the poor fellow, "and in cursing Porter too." ANOTHER illustration of Irish simplicity, not wit, is afforded by the reply of a young candidate for the office of teacher. Archbishop Whately was endeavouring to elicit the candidate's idea on the market value of labour, with reference to demand and supply; but, being baffled, the prelate put a question in this simple form: "If there are in your village two shoemakers, with just sufficient employment to enable them to live tolerably, and no more, what would follow if a third shoemaker set up in the same village?" "What would follow, your grace?" said the candidate-"Why, a fight, to be sure!" Which was likely enough, but it was not the reply the prelate looked for. A A FEDERAL FORCE ON THE MARCH. CONIC SECTION | was to make its great strategic movement, my boy, under Captain Bob Shorty; and, led by that fearless warrior, it set out at twilight. Onward tramped the heroes, according to Hardee, for about an hour, and then they reached a queerlooking little house, with a great deal of piazza and a very little ground-floor. With his cap cocked very much over one eye, Captain Bob Shorty knocked at the door, and was answered by a young maiden of about forty"Hast seen any troops pass here of late?" asked Captain Bob Shorty, with much dignity. The Southern maiden, who was a First Family, sniffed indignantly, and says she, "I reckon not, poor hireling Hessian." Forward-double-quick -march!" says Captain Bob Shorty, with much vehemence; "that 'ere young woman has been eating onions." Onward, right onward through the darkness, went the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade, eager to engage the rebel foe, and work out the genius of strategy. Half an hour, and another house was reached. In response to the captain's knock a son of chivalry stuck his head out of a window, and says he, "There's nobody at home." "Peace, ignoramus!" says Captain Bob Shorty, majestically; "the United States of America wishes to know if you have seen any troops go by to-night." "Yes," says the chivalry, "my sister saw a company go by just now, I reckon." "Forward-double-quick-march!" says Captain Bob two. 66 66 Shorty; we can catch the Confederacy alive if HUMOURS OF PARTNERSHIPS. FROM the English directories may be culled some amusing facts with reference to the junction of names in partnerships-as, for example, Bowyer and Fletcher; Carpenter and Wood; Spinage and Lamb; Sage and Gosling; Rumfit and Cutwell, tailors; Pipe and Tabor; Greengoose and Measure, another firm of tailors; Single and Double; Foot and Stocking, hosiers; and Wright-late Read and Wright. Adam and Eve were for some time surgeons in partnership, in Paradise Row, London. In Holborn, Byers and Sellers live in pleasant proximity on opposite sides of the street. Sometimes the occupations of persons harmonise admirably with their surnames-a fact particularly apparent in the case of London innkeepers. Gin and Ginman are innkeepers; so is Alehouse; Seaman is the landlord of the Ship Hotel, and A. King holds the Crown and Sceptre resort in the City Road. Portwine and Negus are licensed victuallers, one in Westminster, the other in Bishopsgate Street. Corker is a potboy, whose name affords a hopeful omen of his one day rising to the rank of a butler. Mixwell's country inn is a well-known resort. Again, Pegwell is a shoemaker; so are Fitall and Treadaway, likewise Punch-the latter rather unpromisingly so; another, Tugwell, is a noted dentist, so is Gunn-though he uses none but the ordinary arms in his practice; Bird, an egg merchant; Hemp, a sheriff's officer; Captain Isaac Paddle commands a steamboat; Mr. Punt is a favourite member of the Surrey Wherry Club; Laidman was formerly a noted pugilist; and Smooker, or Smoker, a lime-burner. MOUNTAIN DEW. MOUNTAIN DEW. READFUL event this, 66 -, one of the high function- 39 according to the custom of the age, with a grand flowing periwig, Mr. Douglas exclaimed to him, "In the name of wonder, who ever saw an angel with a wig?" "And, in the name of wonder," answered the sculptor, "wha ever saw an angel without ane ?" MANY were the rencontres between Will Speir and the Earl of Eglinton, who condescended to familiarity with him, and in return allowed the same latitude of expression to the wayward Will. The vagrant one day made a demand on his lordship for a bottle of ale. "Deed, Will, gin ye kent it," replied the earl, "I have not a farthing in my AT the time when pocket just now; but just gang in there, to Leezie Lord Liverpool's rePaterson's, and I'll tell her to gi'e ye't, and I'll tirement from public return in a few minutes and help you to drink it." life occasioned so many The earl, faithful to his promise, returned in a revolutions in the Cabi- short time, and taking a seat opposite to Will, net, a girl at Perth one "Ye may be a proud man this day, Will," said day expressed great surprise at what she heard his lordship. "An' for what?" queried the wit. regarding the king's dissatisfaction with his minis-"Sitting drinking wi' an earl." "Hech, hech, ters. "Dear me!" said she, "canna he just gang to another kirk?" Ax old woman of the name of Gordon, in the north of Scotland, was listening to the account given in Scripture of Solomon's glory, which was read to her by a little female grandchild. When the girl came to tell of the thousand camels, which formed part of the Jewish sovereign's live stock, "Eh, lassie," cried the old woman, "a thousand Campbells, say ye? The Campbells (pronounced Cammils) are an auld clan, sure eneuch; but look an ye dinna see the Gordons too." RETURNING from a very invigorating bath at the North Euston Hotel, Fleetwood, a person entered into friendly chat with a native of the "Land o' Cakes," who, along with his wife, was inhaling the pure breeze upon the pier. The subject turned upon the baths, which the Englishman much extolled, and in his exuberance observed that it was worth any one's while to give a shilling to see them, they were so beautifully fitted up. With that characteristic keenness for saving which so much distinguishes his countrymen, the Scotchman asked, "How muckle de ye pay for a bath?" "Sixpence," was the reply." Man," said he, "ye wad save a saxpence by bathing." As a Scotch divine was seated one day on the parapet of the old Stirling Bridge, two young officers from the Castle made up to him. Having resolved to enjoy a joke at his expense, one of them addressed him: "Your occupation's gone, sir. Have you heard the song— man! great cause to be proud, sitting aside an earl that hasna a bodle in his pouch to bless himsel' wi'." 66 AN old Jacobite gentleman of Aberdeenshire was once reading Gilbert Burnet's "Memoirs of his Own Times," which had just got into his hands for the first time. This was more than a century ago, and soon after the book had come out. He had not read much when he found matter to displease him, and at one passage he pointed his finger emphatically down upon the book, and, with an expressive bend of the person, exclaimed, That's a lee, Gibbie!" On he read, and presently coming to another passage of the same kind, burst out with, "Ah, Gibbie, there's another!" On he still read, till coming to one much worse than the two former, he cried, with still higher emphasis, "Weel, Gibbie, tha's the worst of a'!" By-and-by he alighted upon a passage of a nature infinitely more heinous than any of the rest, when, altogether losing patience, he cried out, "Now, Gibbie, ye ken ye're leein' there; I'll read nae mair o' ye;" and he shut the book. THE following is an amusing instance of the tenacity with which the Highlanders hold to the honours and antiquity of their kindred :-A dispute arose between Campbell and M'Lean upon the never-ending subject. M'Lean would not allow that the Campbells had any right to rank with the M'Leans in antiquity, who, he insisted, were in existence as a clan from the beginning of the world. Campbell had a little more Biblical lore than his antagonist, and asked him if the clan M'Lean was before the Flood. Flood! what flood?" said M'Lean. "The flood that you know drowned all the world but Noah and his family and his flocks," said Campbell. "Pooh! you and your flood," said M'Lean, " my clan was afore ta flood." I have not read in my Bible," said Campbell, "of the name of M'Lean going into Noah's ark." "Noah's ark," retorted M'Lean in contempt, "who ever heard of a M'Lean that had not a boat of his own?" 66 66 EBSTER | is seized in an iron grasp, betokening rude health, warm heart, and distance from the metropolis: but producing a strong sense of relief on your part when you find your hand released and your fingers unbroken. struck me much like a steam engine in trousers. SYDNEY SMITH, passing through a by 66 street behind Saint Paul's, heard two women abusing each other from opposite houses. They will never agree," said the wit; "they argue from different premises." SYDNEY SMITH speaks of a man so dry, that if you were to bore holes in him with a gimlet, sawdust would come out. IF you masthead a sailor for not doing his duty, why should you not weathercock a parishioner for refusing to pay tithes ? A CERTAIN authoress interdicts cards and assemblies. No cards, because cards are employed in gaming; no assemblies, because many dissipated persons pass their lives in assemblies. Carry this but a little further, and we must say, no wine, because of drunkenness; no meat, because of gluttony; no use, that there may be no abuse! A NARROW-MINDED person has not a thought beyond the little sphere of his own vision. "The snail," say the Hindoos, "sees nothing but his own shell, and thinks it the grandest place in the universe." PULPIT discourses have insensibly dwindled from speaking to reading-a practice of itself sufficient to stifle every germ of eloquence. It is only by the fresh feelings of the heart that mankind can be very powerfully affected. What can be more ludicrous than an orator delivering stale indignation, and fervour of a week old; turning over whole pages of violent passions, written out in German text; reading the tropes and apostrophes into which he is hurried by the ardour of his mind; and so affected at a preconcerted line and page, that he is unable to proceed any further? THERE is nothing more characteristic than shakes of the hand. I have classified them. There is the high official-the body erect, and a rapid short shake, near the chin. There is the mortmain-the flat hand introduced into your palm, and hardly conscious of its contiguity. The digital-one finger held out-much used by the high clergy. There is the shakus rusticus-when your hand The next to this is the retentive shake-one which, beginning with vigour, pauses as it were to take breath, but without relinquishing its prey: and before you are aware begins again, till you feel anxious as to the result, and have no shake left in you. ON examining some new flowers in the garden, a beautiful girl, who was of the party, exclaimed "Oh, Mr. Smith, this pea will never come to perfection!" Permit me, then," said he, gently taking her hand and walking towards the plant, "to lead perfection to the pea." 66 MARRIAGE resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing any one who comes between them. Or Thomas Babington Macaulay, Sydney said: "There are no limits to his knowledge, on small subjects as well as great; he is like a book in breeches." TAXES upon every article which enters the mouth, or covers the back, or is placed under the foot; taxes upon everything which is pleasant to see, hear, feel, smell, and taste; taxes upon warmth, light, and locomotion; taxes on everything on earth, and the waters under the earth; on everything that comes from abroad, or is grown at home; taxes on the raw material; taxes on every fresh value that is added to it by the industry of man; taxes on the sauce which pampers man's appetite, and the drug that restores him to health; on the ermine which decorates the judge, and the rope which hangs the criminal; on the poor man's salt, and the rich man's spice; on the brass nails of the coffin, and the ribbons of the bride; at bed and board, couchant or levant, we must pay. The schoolboy whips his taxed top; the beardless youth manages his taxed horse with a taxed bridle on a taxed road; and the dying Englishman, pouring his medicine, which has paid seven per cent., into a spoon which has paid fifteen per cent., flings himself back upon his chintz bed, which has paid twenty-two per cent., makes his will on an eight-pound stamp, and expires in the arms of an apothecary who has paid a licence of a hundred pounds for the privilege of putting him to death. His whole property is then immediately taxed from two to ten per cent. Besides the probate, large fees are demanded for burying him in the chancel; his virtues are handed down to posterity on taxed marble; and he is then gathered to his fathersto be taxed no more. THE Dean of death by wild curates. deserves to be preached to HARROGATE is the most heaven-forgotten country under the sun. When I saw it there were only nine mangy fir-trees there; and even they all leaned away from it. A LETTER. My living in Yorkshire was so far out of the way, that it was actually twelve miles from a lemon. CORNELIUS O'DOWD says that when a friend of his once met Sydney Smith at Brighton, where he had gone to reduce himself, by the use of certain baths in vogue in those days, he was struck by the decrease of Sydney's size, and said, "You are certainly thinner than when I saw you last." "Yes," said he, "I have only been ten days here, but they have scraped enough off me already to make a curate." He once said, "I remember entering a room with glass all round it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I took it for a meeting of the clergy, and was delighted of course." A LADY complaining that she could not sleep, he said, "I can furnish you with a perfect soporific. I have published two volumes of sermons: take them up to bed with you. I recommended them once to Blanco White, and before he got to the third page he was fast asleep!" 41 DON'T you know, as the French say, there are three sexes-men, women, and clergymen ? THE missionaries complain of intolerance. A weasel might as well complain of intolerance: when he is throttled for sucking eggs. RAILROAD travelling is a delightful improvement of human life. Man is become a bird; he can fly longer and quicker than a Solan goose. The mamma rushes sixty miles in two hours to the aching fingers of her conjugating and declining grammar boy. The early Scotchman scratches himself in the morning mists of the North, and has his porridge in Piccadilly before the setting sun. The Puseyite priest, after a rush of a hundred miles, appears with his little volume of nonsense at the breakfast of his bookseller. Everything is near, everything is immediate-time, distance, and delay are abolished. I USED to think a fall from a horse dangerous, but much experience has convinced me to the contrary. I have had six falls in two years, and just behaved like the Three per Cents. when they fallI got up again, and am not a bit the worse for it, any more than the stock in question. A LETTER. EAR DOKTOR HII SUTE-I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair-purswader," also a bottle ov yure "Bitters," bi express, for which I express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed, waz the kindov purswader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair greese shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a sparetime. I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offis, this morning, and in 15 minnitts the brussells grew az long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush; 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov my cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz young, and haint bin trained yet, she shows great signs ov speed. I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov the "purswader" got onto the hair of the cat's tale. When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one more look an at the tale, she started, and sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov apple tree! and down the other! out in the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale. I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her. In a fu daze, i shall find a sparetime, and then i shall write up for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel to read it. 66 Dear Doktor, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them." Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men in one. It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your Bitters a vegatabel tonicks," although old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks. The peopel must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will iuv you. Thare is nothing the Christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyirass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are awl these without whiskee? At laste, we hav got a bitter that will tonick a man up. Nothing sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az "Hirsute's Bitters," sold respektably bi awl druggists, far and near. Go on, Doctur, manafaktring and selling, let the cod liver men howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis. |