Gre. That's impossible, sir. All that I can do to serve you is, I can make you deaf, if you please. Sir Jas. And do you think Char. All your reasoning shall never conquer my resolution. Gre. It is, sir, a great and subtle question among the doctors, Whether women are more easy to be cured than men? I beg you would attend to this, sir, if you please-Some say, No; others say, Yes; and, for my part, I say both Yes and No; forasmuch as the incongruity of the opaque humours that meet in the natural temper of women, are the cause that the brutal part willing. always prevail over the sensible-One sees that the inequality of their opinions depends upon the black movement of the circle of the moon; and as the sun, that darts his rays upon the concavity of the earth, finds Char. No, I am not at all capable of changing my opinion. Sir Jas. My daughter speaks! my daughter speaks! Oh, the great power of physic! Oh, the admirable physician! How can I reward thee for such a service! Gre. This distemper has given me a most insufferable deal of trouble! [Traversing the stage in a great heat, the [Speaks with great eagerness, and drives SIR Sir Jas. But— Sir Jas. You shall marry Mr Dapper this even Char. I'll be buried first. Gre. Stay, sir, stay! let me regulate this affair; it is a distemper that possesses her, and I know what remedy to apply to it. Sir Jas. Is it possible, sir, that you can cure the distempers of the mind? Gre. Sir, I can cure any thing. Hark ye, Mr Apothecary! you see that the love she has for Leander is entirely contrary to the will of her father, and that there is no time to lose, and that an immediate remedy is necessary. For my part, I know of but one, which is a dose of purgative running-away, mixt with two drams of pills matrimoniac, and three large handfuls of the arbor vitæ: perhaps she will make some difficulty to take them; but as you are an able apothecary, I shall trust to you for the success. Go, make her walk in the garden; be sure lose no time: to the remedy quick; to the remedy specific ! [Exeunt LEANDER and CHARLotte. Sir Jas. What drugs, sir, were those I heard them spoke of before? Char. Nothing is capable to shake the resolu- you mention, for I don't remember I ever heard tion I have taken. Sir Jas. What! Gre. They are some, sir, lately discovered by Char. Your rhetoric is in vain; all your dis- the Royal Society. courses signify nothing. Sir Jas. I Char. I never will submit to this tyranny; and if I must not have the man I like, I'll die a maid. Sir Jas. You shall have Mr Dapper Char. No-not in any manner-not in the least-not at all! You throw away your breath; you lose your time: you may confine me, beat me, bruise me, destroy me, kill me; do what you will, use me as you will; but I never will consent; nor all your threats, nor all your blows, nor all your ill-usage, never shall force me to consent. So far from giving him my heart, I never will give him my hand: for he is my aversion; I hate the very sight of him; I had rather see the devil! I had rather touch a toad! you may make me miserable another way; but with him you shan't, that I'm resolved! Gre. There, sir, there! I think we have brought her tongue to a pretty tolerable consist ency. Sir Jas. Consistency, quotha! why, there is no stopping her tongue- -Dear doctor, I desire you would make her dumb again. Sir Jas. Did you ever see any thing equal to her insolence? Gre. Daughters are indeed sometimes a little too headstrong, Sir Jas. You cannot imagine, sir, how foolishly fond she is of that Leander. Gre. The heat of blood, sir, causes that in young minds. Sir Jas. For my part, the moment I discovered the violence of her passion, I have always kept her locked up. Gre. You have done very wisely. Sir Jas. And I have prevented them from having the least communication together: for who knows what might have been the consequence? Who knows but she might have taken it into her head to have run away with him? Gre. Very true. Sir Jas. Ay, sir, let me alone for governing girls; I think I have some reason to be vain on that head; I think I have shewn the world that I understand a little of women-I think I have: and, let me tell you, sir, there is not a little art required. If this girl had had some fathers, they had not kept her out of the hands of so vigilant a lover, as I have done. Gre. No, certainly, sir. Enter DORCAS. Dor. Where is this villain, this rogue, this pretended physician? Sir Jas. Heyday! What, what, what's the matter now? Dor. Oh, sirrah, sirrah! Would you have destroyed your wife, you villain? Would you have been guilty of murder, dog? Gre. Hoity toity! What madwoman is this? Sir Jas. Poor wretch! For pity's sake, cure ber, doctor. Gre. Sir, I shall not cure her, unless somebody gives me a fee-If you will give me a fee, sir Jasper, you shall see me cure her this -cure me! instant. Dor. I'll fee you, you villain AIR. If you hope, by your skill Each husband would be a physician. Enter JAMES. James. O sir, undone, undone! Your daughter is run away with her lover Leander, who was here disguised like an apothecary-and this is the rogue of a physician who has contrived all the affair. Sir Jas. How! am I abused in this manner? Here! who is there? Bid my clerk bring pen, ink, and paper; I'll send this fellow to jail immediately. James. Indeed, my good doctor, you stand a very fair chance to be hanged for stealing an heiress. Gre. Yes, indeed, I believe I shall take my degrees now. Dor. And are they going to hang you, my dear husband? Gre. You see, my dear wife. will receive her, sir, only at your hands-I have received letters, by which I have learnt the death of an uncle, whose estate far exceeds that of your intended son-in-law, Sir Jas. Sir, your virtue is beyond all estates; and I give you my daughter with all the pleasure in the world. Lean. Now my fortune makes me happy indeed, my dearest Charlotte !And, doctor, I'll make thy fortune, too. Gre. If you would be so kind to make me a physician in earnest, I should desire no other fortune. Lean. Faith, doctor, I wish I could do that, in return for your having made me an apothecary; but I'll do as well for thee, I warrant. Dor. So, so! our physician, I find, has brought about fine matters. And is it not owing to me, sirrah, that you have been a physician at all? Sir Jas. May I beg to know whether you are a physician or not-or what the devil you are? Gre. I think, sir, after the miraculous cure you have seen me perform, you have no reason to ask whether I am a physician or no-And for you, wife, I'll henceforth have you behave with all deference to my greatness. Dor. Why, thou puffed up fool, I could have made as good a physician myself; the cure was owing to the apothecary, not the doctor. AIR. We've cheated the Parson, &c, When tender young virgins look pale, and complain, You may send for a dozen great doctors in vain: All give their opinion, and pocket their fees; Each writes her a cure, though all miss her dis ease; Powders, drops, Julaps, slops, A cargo of poison from physical shops. Though they physic to death the unhappy poor maid, What's that to the doctor- -since he must be paid? Dor. Had you finished the faggots, it had been Would you know how you may manage her some consolation. Enter LEANDER and CHARLOTTE. Lean. Behold, sir, that Leander, whom you right? Our doctor has brought you a nostrum to-night, had forbid your house, restores your daughter If the lover be but the apothecary. to your power, even when he had her in his. I Chorus. Can never vary, &c CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS, king of Queerumma- FADLADINIDA, queen of Queerummania Aldi. Fatigued with the tremendous toils of As if Within his tent, on downy couch succumbent, great Chrononhotonthologos, To animals detestable and vile, Had aught the least similitude! Rig-Fun. My dear friend, you entirely mis Lulled by the cheerful trumpets' gladsome clan-apprehend me: I did not call the king dog by craft; I was only going to tell you, that the soldiers have just now received their pay, and are all as drunk as so many swabbers. Aldi. Give orders instantly, that no more mo Rig. The king is in a most cursed passion! Pray, who the devil is this Mr Somnus, he's so angry withal? Aldi. The son of Chaos and of Erebus, Incestuous pair! brother of Mors relentless, Whose speckled robe, and wings of blackest hue, Astonish all mankind with hideous glare; Himself with sable plumes, to men benevolent, Brings downy slumbers, and refreshing sleep. Rig. This gentleman may come of a very good family, for aught I know; but I would not be in his place for the world. Aldi. But, lo! the king, his footsteps this way bending, His cogitative faculties immersed Let silence close our folding-doors of speech, Re-enter King, Nobles, and Attendants, &c. King. It is resolved- -Now, Somnus, I defy thee, And from inankind ampute thy cursed dominion. The flat scene draws. The king is seated, and a grand pantomime entertainment is performed, in the midst of which, enters a captain of the guard. Capt. To arms! to arms! great Chrononhotonthologos! The Antipodean powers, from realms below, This world is too incopious to contain them: ven; A blazing bullet, bigger than the sun, King. Peace, coward! were they wedged like golden ingots, Or pent so close, as to admit no vacuum, Bid Bombardinian draw his legions forth, For rites of triumph: Let the singing singers, SCENE II.-A magnificent apartment. Enter QUEEN, TATLANTHE, and two ladies. Queen. Day's curtain's drawn, the morn begins to rise, And waking nature rubs her sleepy eyes: Enter Fiddler. Fid. Thus to your majesty, says the suppliant muse, Would you a solo or sonata chuse ? Or bold concerto, or soft Siciliana, れ Joak. Queen. A civil fellow!-play us the Black [Music plays [Queen and Ladies dance the Black Joak. So much for dancing; now let's rest a while. Bring in the tea-things; does the kettle boil? Tat. The water bubbles and the tea-cups skip, Through eager hope to kiss your royal lip. [Tea brought in. Queen. Come, ladies, will you please to chuse your tea; Or green Imperial, or Pekoe Bohea ? 1st Lady. Never, no, never sure on earth was seen, So gracious, sweet, and affable a queen! 2d Lady. She is an angel! 1st Lady. She's a goddess rather ! Let's grasp the forelock of this apt occasion, PHORNIO. Aldi. All hail to Chrononhotonthologos! Tat. She's angel, queen, and goddess, altoge- Our bounty's debtor to your loyalty, ther! Queen. Away! you flatter me. 1st Ludy. We don't indeed : Your merit does our praise by far exceed. Which shall, with interest, be repaid e're long. Queen. You make me blush: Pray, help me This haughty queen shall be no longer mine, to a fan. 1st Lady. That blush becomes you.Tat. Would I were a man! Rig. Egad, we're in the wrong box! Who the devil would have thought that Chrononhotonthologos should be at that mortal sight of Tippodeans? Why, there's not a mother's child of them to be seen! 'egad, they footed it away as fast as their hands could carry them; but they have left their king behind them. We have hum safe, that's one comfort. Aldi. Would he were still at amplest liberty! I have a riddle to uuriddle to thee, Rig. The devil she is! Well, I see mischief is going forward with a vengeance! Aldi. But, lo! the conqueror comes, all crowned with conquest! A solemn triumph graces his return. I'll have a sweet and gentle concubine. Rig. Now, my dear little Phoscophorny, for a Aldi. A sudden diarrhæa's rapid force King. Bid the physicians of the world assemble Whole magazines of galli-potted nostrums, The man that cures our queen shall have our em- pire. |