Good. Drunk, sir! what, does my son get drunk?

Col. Oh, yes, sir; regularly, twice a day. He has complained of the indecent liberty painters take in exposing the breasts and limbs of women; you had, indeed, sir, a very scandalous collection, and he was never easy while they were in the house.

Enter VALENTINE.

Val. My father returned! oh, let me throw myself at his feet! and believe me, sir, I am at once overjoyed, and ashamed, to see your face. Col. I told you, sir, he was one of the modestest young fellows in England.

Good. You may very well be ashamed; but come, let me see the inside of my house; let me see that both sides of my walls are standing.

Val. Sir, I have a great deal of company within, of the first fashion, and beg you would not expose me before them.

Good. Oh, sir! I am their very humble servant; I am infinitely obliged to all the persons of fashion, that they will so generously condescend to eat a poor citizen out of house and home.

Col. Hark'e, Val? shall we toss this old fellow in a blanket?

Val. Sir, I trust in your good nature and forgivenness; and will wait on you in.

Good. Oh, that ever I should live to see this day! [Exeunt.

SCENE II-A dining room.

LORD PUFF, and several gentlemen and ladies discovered at table.

Enter GOODALL and VALENTINE.

Val. Gentlemen, my father being just arrived from the Indies, desires to make one of this good company.

Good. My good lords, (that I may affront none by calling him beneath his title) I am highly sensible of the great honour you do myself and my son, by filling my poor house with your noble persons, and noble persons your with my poor wine and provisions.

Lord Puff. Sir! Rat me! I would have you know, I think I do you too much honour in entering into your doors. But I am glad you have taught me at what distance to keep such mecha

[Exit LORD PUFF. Good. 'Sbodlikins! I am in a rage! That ever a fellow should upbraid me with good blood in his veins, when, odsheart! the best blood in his veins hath run through my bottles. Come, sir, follow your companions; for I am determined to turn you out directly.

Enter CHARLOTTE.

Char. Then, sir, I am determined to go with him. Be comforted, Valentine; I have some fortune which my aunt cannot prevent me from, and it will make us happy, for a while at least; and I prefer a year, a month, a day, with the man I love, to a whole stupid age without him.

[AS VALENTINE and CHARLOTTE are going, they are met by MRS HIGHMAN and LETTICE.

Mrs High. What do I see! my niece in the very arms of her betrayer!

Let. I humbly ask pardon of you both-but my master was so heartily in love with your niece, and she so heartily in love with my master, that I was determined to leave no stone unturned to bring them together.

Good. Eh! Egad, I like her generous passion for my son so much, that if you, madam, will give her a fortune equal to what I shall settle on him, I shall not prevent their happiness.

Mrs High. Won't you? Then I shall do all in my power to make it a match.

Let. And so, sir, you take no notice of poor Lettice? but, statesman like, your own turn served, forget your friends?

SONG.

Let. That statesmen oft' their friends forget,
Their ends obtained, is clear, sir;
So, I'm forgot, your place I'll quit,
And seek a service here, sir.

I'll prove my love in every sense,

Be dutiful, observant,

So drop in here a few nights hence, And hire your humble servant.

CHORUS.

She'll prove her love in every sense,
Be dutiful, observant,

So drop in here a few nights hence,
And hire your humble servant.
[Exeunt omnes.

SCENE I-A wood.

DORCAS, GREGORY.

Gre. I TELL you, No, I won't comply; and it is my business to talk, and to command. Dor. And I tell you, You shall conform to my will; and that I was not married to you, to suffer your ill-humours.

Gre. O the intolerable fatigue of matrimony! Aristotle never said a better thing in his life, than when he told us, 'That a wife was worse than a devil.'

Dor. Hear the learned gentleman with his Aristotle !

Greg. And a learned man I am, too: find me out a maker of faggots that's able, like myself, to reason upon things, or that can boast such an

education as mine.

Dor. An education!

Gre. Ay, hussy, a regular education: first at the charity-school, where I learnt to read; then I waited on a gentleman at Oxford, where I learnt-very near as much as my master; from whence I attended a travelling physician six years, under the facetious denomination of a Merry Andrew, where I learnt physic.

Dor. O that thou had'st followed him still! Cursed be the hour, wherein I answered the parson, I will.

Gre. And cursed be the parson that asked thee the question!

Dor. You have reason to complain of him indeed-who ought to be on your knees every moment, returning thanks to Heaven, for that great blessing it sent you, when it sent you myself.-I hope you have not the assurance to think you

deserv'd such a wife as me?

Gre. No, really, I don't think I do.

DORCAS sings.

When a lady, like me, condescends to agree,
To let such a jackanapes taste her,

With what zeal and care, shou'd he worship the fair,

Who gives him what's meat for his master?
His actions should still
Attend on her will:-

Hear, sirrah, and take it for warning;
To her he should be

Each night on his knee,

And so he should be on each morning.

Gre. Meat for my master! you were meat for your master, if I an't mistaken. Come, come, Madam, it was a lucky day for you, when you found me out.

Dor. Lucky, indeed! a fellow, who eats every thing I have!

Gre. That happens to be a mistake, for I drink some part on't.

Dor. That has not even left me a bed to lie on !

Gre. You'll rise the carlier.

Dor. And who, from morning till night, is eternally in an alehouse!

Gre. It's genteel; the squire does the same. Dor Pray, sir, what are you willing I shall do with my family?

Gre. Whatever you please.

Dor. My four little children, that are continually crying for bread?

Gre. Give 'em a rod! best cure in the world for crying children.

Dor. And do you imagine, sotGre. Hark ye, my dear, you know my temper is not over and above passive, and that my arm is extremely active.

Dor. I laugh at your threats, poor, beggarly, insolent fellow!

Gre. Soft object of my wishing eyes, I shall play with your pretty ears.

Dor. Touch me if you dare, you insolent, impudent, dirty, lazy, rascally

Gre. Oh, ho, ho! you will have it then, I find. [Beats her.

Dor. O murder, murder!

Enter Squire ROBERT.

Rob. What's the matter here? Fy upon you, fy upon you, neighbour, to beat your wife in this scandalous manner!

Dor. Well, sir, and if I have a mind to be beat, and what then?

Rob. O dear, madam, I give my consent with all my heart and soul.

Dor. What's that to you, saucebox? Is it business of yours?

Rob. No, certainly, madam!

any

Dor. Here's an impertinent fellow for you, won't suffer a husband to beat his own wife!

Dor. Give me the stick, dear husband.

Rob. Well, if ever I attempt to part husband and wife again, may I be beaten myself!

[Exit Rob. Gre. Come, my dear, let us be friends. Dor. What, after beating me so ? Gre. 'Twas but in jest. Dor. I desire you will crack your jests on your own bones, not on mine.

Gre. Pshaw! you know you and I are one, and I beat one half of myself when I beat you. Dor. Yes, but for the future I desire you will beat the other half of yourself.

Gre. Come, my pretty dear, I ask pardon; I'm sorry for't.

Dor. For once I pardon you-but you shall pay for it. [Aside.

Gre. Psha! psha! child, these are only little affairs, necessary in friendship; four or five good blows with a cudgel between your very fond couples, only tend to heighten the affections. I'll now to the wood, and I promise thee to make a hundred faggots before I come home again.

[Erit.

Dor. If I am not revenged on those blows of yours!—Oh, that I could but think of some method to be revenged on him! Hang the rogue, he's quite insensible of cuckoldom!

AIR.-Oh London is a fine town.

In ancient days, I've heard, with horns
The wife her spouse could fright,
Which now the hero bravely scorns,
So common is the sight.
To city, country, camp, or court,
Or wheresoe'er he go,

No horned brother dares make sport;
They're cuckolds all a-row.

Oh that I could find out some invention to get him well drubbed!

Enter HARRY and JAMES.

before he will own himself to be a physician -and I'll give you my word, you'll never make

James. Blame your own cursed memory, that made you forget his name. For my part, I'll travel through the world rather than return without him; that were as much as a limb or two were worth.

Har. Was ever such a cursed misfortune, to lose the letter! I should not even know his name if I were to hear it.

Dor. Can I find no invention to be revenged! -Heyday! who are these?

good cudgel and thrash him into it; 'tis what we are all forced to do when we have any need of him.

Jumes. What a ridiculous whim is here! Dor. Very true; and in so great a man. James. And is he so very skilful a man? Dor. Skilful-why he does miracles. About half a year ago, a woman was given over by all her physicians, nay, she had been dead some time; when this great man came to her, as soon as he saw her, he poured out a little drop of something down her throathe had no soon

Dor. Hey! what, has the fellow a mind to banter me?

Har. Is there no physician hereabouts famous for curing dumbness?

ed about the room as if there had been nothing the matter with her.

Both. O, prodigious!

Dor. 'Tis not above three weeks ago, that a child of twelve years old fell from the top of a house to the bottom, and broke its skull, its arms, and legs.-Our physician was no sooner drubbed into making him a visit, than, having

Har. Don't mistake us, good woman, we don't mean to banter you: we are sent by our master, whose daughter has lost her speech, for a certain physician who lives hercabouts; we have lost our direction, and 'tis as much as our lives are worth to return without him.

Dor. There is one Dr Lazy lives just by, but he has left off practising. You would not get him a mile to save the lives of a thousand patients.

James. Direct us but to him; we'll bring him with us one way or other, I warrant you.

Har. Ay, ay, we'll have him with us, though we carry him on our backs.

Dor. Ha! Heaven has inspired me with one of the most admirable inventions to be revenged on my hangdog!-[Aside.]-I assure you, if you can get him with you, he'll do your young lady's business for her; he's reckoned one of the best physicians in the world, especially for dumb

ness.

Har. Pray tell us where he lives?

Dor. You'll never be able to get him out of his own house; but if you watch hereabouts, you'll certainly meet with him, for he very often amuses himself here with cutting wood.

Har. A physician cut wood!

James. I suppose he amuses himself in searching after herbs, you mean?

Dor. No; he's one of the most extraordinary men in the world: he goes drest like a common clown; for there is nothing he so much dreads as to be known for a physician.

James. All your great men have some strange oddities about them.

Dor. Why, he will suffer himself to be beat

ment, it got upon its legs, and run away to play.

Both. Oh most wonderful!

Har. Hey! Gad, James, we'll drub him out of a pot of this ointment.

James. But can he cure dumbness?

Dor. Dumbness! Why the curate of our parish's wife was born dumb; and the doctor, with a sort of wash, washed her tongue, that he set it agoing so, that in less than a month's time she outtalked her husband.

Har. This must be the very man we were sent after.

Dor. Yonder is the very man I speak of. James. What! that he yonder? Dor. The very same.- -He has spied us, and taken up his bill.

James. Come, Harry, don't let us lose one moment.-Mistress, your servant; we give you ten thousand thanks for this favour.

Dor. Be sure you make good use of your sticks.

James. He shan't want that.

[Exeunt.

Gre. Ay, like enoughJames. 'Tis in your power, sir, to do us a very great favour-We come, sir, to implore your assistance in a certain affair.

Gre. If it be in my power to give you any assistance, masters, I am very ready to do it. James. Sir, you are extremely obliging-But, dear sir, let me beg you be covered; the sun will hurt your complexion.

Har. For Heaven's sake, sir, be covered. Gre. These should be footmen by their dress, but courtiers by their ceremony.

[Aside. James. You must not think it strange, sir, that we come thus to seek after you; men of your capacity will be sought after by the whole world.

Gre. Truly, gentlemen, though I say it, that should not say it, I have a pretty good hand at a faggot.

James. O, dear sir!

Gre. You may perhaps buy faggots cheaper otherwise; but if you find such in all this country, you shall have mine for nothing. To make but one word then with you, you shall have mine for ten shillings a hundred.

James. Don't talk in that manner, I desire you. Gre. I could not sell them a penny cheaper, if 'twas to my father.

James. Dear sir, we know you very welldon't jest with us in this manner.

Gre. Faith, master, I am so much in earnest, that I can't bate one farthing.

James. O pray, sir, leave this idle discourse.— Can a person like you amuse yourself in this manner? Can a learned and famous physician like you, try to disguise himself to the world, and bury such fine talents in the woods?

Gre. The fellow's a fool!

James. Let me intreat you, sir, not to dissemble with us.

James. You are no physician?

Gre. No, I tell you.

James. Well, if we must, we must. [Beat him. Gre. Oh, oh! gentlemen, gentlemen! what are you doing? I am-I am-whatever you please to have me.

James. Why will you oblige us, sir, to this violence?

Har. Why will you force us to this troublesome remedy?

James. I assure you, sir, it gives me a great deal of pain.

Gre. I assure you, sir, and so it does me. But, pray, gentlemen, what is the reason that you have a mind to make a physician of me? James. What! do you deny your being a physician again?

Gre. And the devil take me if I am!
Har. You are no physician?
Gre. May I be poxed if I am!
him.]-Oh, oh !-

They beat

-Dear gentlemen! oh! for Heaven's sake! I am a physician, and an apothecary too, if you'll have me; I had rather be any thing than be knocked o' the head.

James. Dear sir, I am rejoiced to see you come to your senses; I ask pardon ten thousand times for what you have forced us to.

Gre. Perhaps I am deceived myself, and I am a physician, without knowing it. But, dear gentleman, are you certain I'm a physician?

James. Yes, the greatest physician in the world. Gre. Indeed!

Hur. A physician that has cured all sorts of distempers."

Gre. The devil I have!

James. That has made a woman walk about the room after she was dead six hours.

Har. That set a child upon its legs, immediately after it had broke them.

James. That made the curate's wife, who was dumb, talk faster than her husband.

Hur. Look ye, sir, you shall have content; my master will give you whatever you will demand. Gre. Shall I have whatever I will demand? James. You may depend upon it.

Gre. I am a physician without doubt-I had forgot it; but I begin to recollect myself.-Well, and what is the distemper I am to cure?

James. My young mistress, sir, has lost her