Hel. In the time of siege, every citizen ought in duty to serve. Having thus, brothers, provided a proper defence, let us coolly proceed to our business. Is there any body here, to demand a licence to-day? Sec. A practitioner, Mr President, out of the country. Hel. Are the customary fees all discharged? Sec. All, sir. Hel. Then let our censors, Dr Christopher Camphire, and Dr Cornelius Calomel, introduce the practitioner for examination. [Exeunt CAMPHIRE and CALOMEL. After this duty is dispatched, we will then read the college and students a lecture. Enter CAMPHIRE and CALOMEL, with LAST. Last. First, let me lay down my shoes. [They advance, with three bows, to the table. Hel. Let the candidate be placed on a stool. What's the doctor's name? Sec. Emanuel Last, Mr President. Hel. Dr Last, you have petitioned the college, to obtain a licence for the practice of physic; and though we have no doubt of your great skill and abilities, yet our duty compels us previously to ask a few questions: What academy had the honour to form you. Last. Anan? Hel. Thus far as to the head: Proceed we next to the middle! When, Dr Last, you are called in to a patient with a pain in his bowels, what then is your method of practice? Last. I claps a trencher hot to the part. Hel. Embrocation; very well! But if this application should fail, what is the next step that you take? Last, I gi's a vomit and a purge. Hel. Well replied! for it is plain there is a disagreeable guest in the house; he has opened both doors; if he will go out at neither, it is none of his fault. All. Oh, no! by no means! Hel. We have now dispatched the middle, and head: Come we finally to the other extremity, the feet! Are you equally skilful in the disor ders incidental to them? Last. I believe I may. Hel. Name some. Last. I have a great vogue all our way for curing of corns. Hel. What are the means that you use? Hel. Well replied! extirpation: No better method of curing can be. Well, brethren, I think we may now, after this strict and impartial inquiry, safely certify, that Dr Last, from top to toe, is an able physician. All. Very able, very able, indeed! Hel. And every way qualified to proceed in his practice. All. Every way qualified. Hel. You may descend, Dr Last. [LAST takes his seat among them.] Secretary, first read, and then give the doctor his licence. Sec. [Reads.] To all whom these presents may come, greeting. Know ye, that, after a most strict and severe inquisition, not only into 'the great skill and erudition, but the morals of Dr Emanuel Last, We are authorised to grant 'unto the said doctor, full power, permission, ' and licence, to pill, bolus, lotion, potion, draught, Last. And what becomes of the spiders ? Hel. Oh, they die, you know, for want of nuhelmston; and a couple of dips in the salt water washes the cobwebs entirely out of the blood.Now, gentlemen, with respect to the Enter Servant. Ser. Sir, Mr Forceps, from the hospital. 'dose, drench, purge, bleed, blister, clister, cup, scarify, syringe, salivate, couch, flux, sweat, 'diet, dilute, tap, plaster, and poultice, all per-trition. Then I send the patient down to Bright. sons, in all diseases, of all ages, conditions, and sexes. And we do strictly command and enjoin 'all surgeons, apothecaries, with their apprenti" ces, all midwives, male, female, and nurses, at all times, to be aiding and assisting to the said 'Dr Emanuel Last. And we do further charge 'all mayors, justices, aldermen, sheriffs, bailiffs, headboroughs, constables, and coroners, not to 'molest or intermeddle with the said doctor, if any party whom he shall pill, bolus, lotion, potion, draught, dose, drench, purge, bleed, blister, clister, cup, scarify, syringe, salivate, couch, flux, sweat, diet, dilute, tap, plaster, and poultice, should happen to die, but to deem that 'the said party died a natural death, any thing appearing to the contrary notwithstanding. 'Given under our hands, &c.' Hercules Hellebore, Cornelius Calomel, Christopher Camphire, Last. Then, if a patient die, they must not say that I killed him? Hel. They say? Why, how should they know, when it is not one time in twenty that we know it ourselves?-Proceed we now to the lecture! [They all rise, and come forward to the table.] Brethren and students, I am going to open to you some notable discoveries that I have made, respecting the source, or primary cause, of all distempers incidental to the human machine: And these, brethren, I attribute to certain animalculæ, or piscatory entities, that insinuate themselves through the pores into the blood, and, in that fluid, sport, toss, and tumble about, like mackarel or cod-fish in the great deep: And, to convince you that this is not a mere gratis dictum, an hypothesis only, I will give you demonstrative proof. Bring hither the microscope! Enter a Servant with microscope. Doctor Last, regard this receiver. Take a peep. Hel. There. Those two yellow drops there, were drawn from a subject afflicted with the .jaundice.-Well, what d'ye see! Lust. Some little creatures, like yellow flies, that are hopping and skipping about. Hel. Right. Those yellow flies give the tinge to the skin, and undoubtedly cause the disease: And now for the cure! I administer to every patient the two-and-fiftieth part of a scruple of the ovaria or eggs of the spider; these are thrown by the digestive powers into the secretory, there separated from the alimentary, and then precipitated into the circulatory; where, finding a proper nidus or nest, they quit their torpid state, and vivify, and upon vivification discerning the flies, their natural food, they immediately fall foul of them, extirpate the race out of the blood, and restore the patient to health. Enter FORCEPS. Well, Forceps, what's your will? For. To know, sir, what you would have done with the hospital patients to-day? Hel. To-day! why, what was done yester day? For. Sir, we bled the west ward, and jalloped the north. Hel. Did ye? why then, bleed the north ward, and jallop the west, to day. [Exit FOR. Now, I say, brethren Now, doctor? Now, doctor? Enter CALOMEL. Cal. Serjeant Demur has thrown this manifesto over the gate. [Exit. Hel. [Looking at the parchment.] Ha! "Mid"dlesex, to wit. John Doe, and Richard Roe." It is a challenge to meet them at Westminsterhall; then we have breathing-time till the term. Enter LAST. Inv. Forbid it, fortune! it is now, sir, that we most want your aid. Devil. He must, he will be obeyed. Hereafter, perhaps, I may rejoin you again. Inv. But, sir, what can we do? how live? what plan can we fix on for our future support? Devil. You are in a country where your talents, with a little application, will procure you a provision. Inv. But which way to direct them? Devil. There are profitable professions that require but little ability. Inv. Name us one. Devil. What think you of the trade, with whose badge I am at present invested? Inv. Can you suppose, sir, after what I have seen Devil. Oh, sir, I don't design to engage you in any personal service; I would only recommend it to you to be the vender of those infallible remedies with which our newspapers are constantly crowded. Inv. You know, sir, I am possessed of no se cret. Devil. Nor they either: A few simple waters, dignified with titles that catch, no matter how wild and absurd, will effectually answer your purpose: As, let me see now: Tincture of tinder, essence of eggshell, or balsam of broomstick. Inv. You must excuse me, sir; I can never submit. Devil. I think you are rather too squeamish. What say you, then, to a little spiritual quackery! Inv. Spiritual? Devil. Oh, sir, there are, in this town, mountebanks for the mind, as well as the body. How should you like mounting a cart on a common, and becoming a Methodist preacher? Inv. Can that scheme turn to account? Devil. Nothing better: Believe me, the absolute direction of the persons and purses of a large congregation, however low their conditions and callings, is by no means a contemptible object. [Takes them up, and exit. I, for my own part, can say, what the conqueror Now, doctor? Hel. Oh! Enter CAMPHIRE. Cam. The licentiates file off towards Fleetstreet. Hel. Follow all, and harass the rear! leave not a dry thread among them! Huzza! [Exeunt. Re-enter DEVIL, INVOICE, and HARRIET. Devil. Well, my young friends, you will naturally be led to Westm-Oh! Inv. Bless me, sir, what's the matter? You change colour, and faulter. Devil. The magician at Madrid has discovered my flight, and recals me by an irresistible spell: I must leave you, my friends! of Persia said to the Cynic; "If I was not Alex"ander, I would be Diogenes:" So, if I was not the devil, I would chuse to be a Methodist preacher. Inv. But then, the restraint, the forms, I shall be obliged to observe Devil. None at all: There is, in the whole catalogue, but one sin you need to be at all shy of committing. and exceeds even the sons of Ignatius! But this honour I beg to decline. entered into partnership with the managers of both houses, and they have set up a kind of circulating library, for the vending of dialogue no Devil. What think you, then, of trying the stage? You are a couple of good theatrical figures;vels. I dare not go near the new house, for the but how are your talents? can you sing? Inv. I can't boast of much skill, sir; but Miss Harriet got great reputation in Spain. Har. Oh, Mr Invoice!-My father, sir, as we seldom went out, established a domestic kind of drama, and made us perform some little musical pieces, that were occasionally sent us from England. Devil. Come, sir, will you give us a taste of your-just a short-te ti te tor? [Sings a short preludio. Inv. I must beg to be excused, sir; I have not a musical note in my voice, that can please you. Devil. No? Why, then, I believe we must trouble the lady: Come, miss, I'll charm a band to accompany you. [Waves his stick.-HARRIET sings.] Exceedingly well! You have nothing to do now, but to offer yourselves to one of the houses. Inv. And which, sir, would you recommend? Devil. Take your choice; for I can serve you in neither. Inv. No? I thought, sir, you told me just now, that the several aits of the drama were under your direction. Devil. So they were formerly; but now they are directed by the Genius of Insipidity: He has dæmon of Power, who gave me this lameness, has possessed the pates, and sown discord among the mock monarchs there; and what one receives, the other rejects. And, as to the other house, the manager has great merit himself, with skill to discern, and candour to allow it in others; but I can be of no use in making your bargain, for in that he would be too many for the cunningest devil amongst us. Inv. I have heard of a new playhouse in the Haymarket. Devil. What, Foote's? Oh, that's an eccentric, narrow establishment; a mere summer-fly! He! But, however, it may do for a coup d'essai, and prove no bad foundation for a future engagement. Inv. Then we will try him, if you please. Devil. By all means: And you may do it this instant; he opens to-night, and will be glad of your assistance. I'll drop you down at the door; and must then take my leave for some time. Allons! but don't tremble; you have nothing to fear: The public will treat you with kindness; at least, if they shew but half the indulgence to you, that they have, upon all occasions, shewn to that manager. [Exeunt omnes. Enter DON DIEGO musing, followed by URSULA. Don Diego. THOUGHTS to council-let me see, A husband, is the question: Bitter to swallow, My doors shall be lock'd, Not so much as a mouse: Then horns, horns, I defy you! Don Diego. Ursula! Ursula. Here, an't please your worship. Don Diego. There is the key of it; there the key of the best hall: there the key of the door upon the first flight of stairs; there the key of the door upon the second; this double-locks the But fear makes the danger seem dou-hatch below; and this the door, that opens into And hard of digestion. ble. Say, Hymen, what mischief can trou ble My peace, should I venture to try the entry. Ursula. I am acquainted with every ward of them. Don Diego. You know, Ursula, when I took |