GARRICK,] ger. Gay. Pray, sir, walk in-He's below your an Mel. Damn the rascal! What does he mean by affronting me?Let the scoundrel go; I'll polish his brutality, I warrant you. Here's the best reformer of manners in the universe. [Draws his sword.] Let him go, I say! Sharp. So, so, you have done finely now-Get away as fast as you can; he's the most courageous, mettlesome man, in all England-Why, if his passion was up, he could eat you-Make your escape, you fool. Cook. I won't-eat me! he'll find me damned hard of digestion, though Sharp. Prithee, come here; let me speak with [They walk aside. you. Enter KITTY. Kitty. Gad's me! is supper on the table alrea dy? Sir, pray defer it for a few moments; my mistress is much better, and will be here immediately. Gay. Will she, indeed? Bless me!--I did not expect-but however—Sharp! Kitty. What success, madam? [Aside to MELISSA. Mel. As we could wish, girl; but he is in such pain and perplexity, I can't hold it out much longer. Kitty. Ay; that holding out is the ruin of half our sex. Sharp. I have pacified the cook; and if you can but borrow twenty pieces of that young prig, all may go well yet: you may succeed, though I VOL. III. could not. Remember what I told you-about Gay. Sir, sir-[To MELISSA.]-1 beg to speak till to-morrow. Mel. Oh, sir, with all my heart-[Taking out Mel. You are to be married, I hear, to Me lissa? Mel. Then you'll oblige me, sir, by never seeing her again. Gay. Do you call this a small favour, sir? Mel. A mere trifle, sir; breaking of contracts, suing for divorces, committing adultery, and such like, are all reckoned trifles now-a-days: and smart young fellows, like you and myself, Gayless, should be never out of fashion. Gay. But, pray, sir, how are you concerned in Mel. Oh, sir, you must know I have a very Mel. Nay, don't look fierce, sir, and give your- villain! [Draws, and makes at MELISSA. Kit. Hold, hold! murder! You'll kill my mistress-the young gentleman, I mean. Gay. Ah, her mistress! [Drops his sword. Sharp. How! Melissa! Nay, then, drive away cart-all's over now. Enter all the company, laughing. Gad. What, Mr Gayless, engaging with Melissa before your time? Ha, ha, ha! Kitty. Your humble servant, good Mr Politician-[To SHARP.]-This is, gentlemen and ladies, the most celebrated and ingenious Timothy Sharp, schemer-general, and redoubted squire to the most renowned and fortunate adventurer, Charles Gayless, knight of the woeful countenance: ha, ha, ha! Oh, that dismal face, and more dismal head of yours! [Strikes SHARP upon the head. Sharp. 'Tis cruel in you to disturb a man in his last agonies. Mel. Now, Mr Gayless! What, not a word? You are sensible I can be no stranger to your R 1 misfortunes; and I might reasonably expect an excuse for your ill treatment of me. Gay. No, madam, silence is my only refuge; for to endeavour to vindicate my crimes, would show a greater want of virtue than even the commission of them. Mel. Oh, Gayless! 'twas poor to impose upon a woman, and one that loved you, too! Gay. Oh, most unpardonable! but my necessities Sharp. And mine, madam, were not to be matched, I'm sure, o' this side starving. Mel. His tears have softened me at onceYour necessities, Mr Gayless, with such real contrition, are too powerful motives not to affect the breast already prejudiced in your favour. You have suffered too much already for your extravagance; and as I take part in your sufferings, 'tis easing myself to relieve you: Know, therefore, all that's past I freely forgive. Gay. You cannot mean it, sure? I am lost in wonder! Mel. Prepare yourself for more wonder-You have another friend in masquerade here. Mr Cook, pray throw aside your drunkenness, and make your sober appearance. Don't you know that face, sir? Cook. Ay, master! what, have you forgot your friend Dick, as you used to call me? Gay. More wonder indeed! Don't you live with my father? Mel. Just after your hopeful servant, there, had left me, comes this man from sir William with a letter to me; upon which (being by that wholly convinced of your necessitous condition) I invented, by the help of Kitty and Mrs Gadabout, this little plot, in which your friend Dick, there, has acted miracles, resolving to tease you a little, that you might have a greater relish for a happy turn in your affairs. Now, sir, read that letter, and complete your joy. Gay. [Reads. Madam, I am father to the unfortunate young man, who, I hear, by a friend ' of mine (that by my desire has been a continu'al spy upon him), is making his addresses to you: if he is so happy as to make himself agreeable to you (whose character I am charmed with), I shall own him with joy for my son, ' and forget his former follies. 'I am, madam, Your most humble servant, 'WILLIAM GAYLESS.' 'P. S. I will be soon in town myself, to confgratulate his late reformation and marriage.' Oh, Melissa, this is too much! Thus let me show my thanks and gratitude-[Kneeling, she raises him.]-for here 'tis only due. Sharp. A reprieve! A reprieve! A reprieve! Kitty. I have been, sir, a most bitter enemy to you; but, since you are likely to be a little more conversant with cash than you have been, I am now, with the greatest sincerity, your most obedient friend, and humble servant. And I hope, sir, all former enmity will be forgotten. Guy. Oh, Mrs Pry, I have been too much indulged with forgivenness myself, not to forgive lesser offences in other people. Sharp. Well, then, madam, since my master has vouchsafed pardon to your handmaid Kitty, Ihope you'll not deny it to h is footman Timothy? Mel. Pardon! for what? Sharp. Only for telling you about ten thousand lies, madam; and, among the rest, insinuating that your ladyship would Mel. I understand you; and can forgive any thing, Sharp, that was designed for the service of your master and if Pry and you will follow our example, I'll give her a small fortune as a reward for both your fidelities. Sharp. I fancy, madam, 'twould be better to halve the small fortune between us, and keep us both single; for as we shall live in the same house, in all probability we may taste the comforts of matrimony, and not be troubled with its inconveniences-What say you, Kitty? Kitty. Do you hear, Sharp? before you talk of the comforts of matrimony, taste the comforts of a good dinner, and recover your flesh a little; do, puppy. Sharp. The devil backs her, that's certain! and I am no match for her at any weapon. Mel. And now, Mr Gayless, to show I have not provided for you by halves, let the music prepare themselves, and, with the approbation of the company, we'll have a dance. All. By all means a dance! Gut. By all means a dance-after supper, though. Sharp. Oh, pray, sir, have supper first; or I'm sure I shan't live till the dance is finished. Gay. Behold, Melissa, as sincere a convert as ever truth and beauty made. The wild impetuous sallies of my youth are now blown over, and a most pleasing calm of perfect happiness succeeds. Thus Ætna's flames the verdant earth con sume, But milder heat makes drooping nature bloom; SCENE I.-A street. ACT I. Enter CAPTAIN LOVEIT and PUFF. Capt. THIS is the place we were directed to; and now, Puff, if I can get no intelligence of her, what will become of me? Puff. And me too, sir?-You must consider I am a married man, and can't bear fatigue as I have done. But, pray, sir, why did you leave the army so abruptly, and not give me time to fill my knapsack with common necessaries? Half a dozen shirts, and your regimentals, are my whole cargo. Capt. I was wild to get away; and as soon as I obtained my leave of absence, I thought every moment an age till I returned to the place where I first saw this young, charming, innocent, bewitching creature. Puff. With fifteen thousand pounds for her fortune-strong motives, I must confess.-And now, sir, as you are pleased to say you must depend upon my care and abilities in this affair, { think I have a just right to be acquainted with the particulars of your passion, that I may be the better enabled to serve you. Capt You shall have them.-When I left the university, which is now seven months since, my father, who loves his money better than his son, and would not settle a farthing upon me— Puff. Mine did so by me, sir Capt. Purchased me a pair of colours at my own request; but before I joined the regiment, which was going abroad, I took a ramble into the country with a fellow-collegian, to see a relation of his who lived in Berkshire Puff A party of pleasure, I suppose? Capt. During a short stay there, I came acquainted with this young creature: she was just come from the boarding-school; and though she had all the simplicity of her age, and the country, yet it was mixed with such sensible vivacity, that I took fire at once. Puff. I was tinder myself at your age. But pray, sir, did you take fire before you knew of her fortune? honour! Capt. Before, upon my Puff. Folly and constitution-But on, sir. Capt. I was introduced to the family by the name of Rodophil (for so my companion and I had settled it): at the end of three weeks I was obliged to attend the call of honour in Flanders; but Puff. Your parting, to be sure, was heartbreaking? Puff. Not a word aloud; I am incognito. Jas. Why, faith, I should not have known you, if you had not spoke first; you seem to be a little dishabille too, as well as incognito: Whom do you honour with your service now? Are you from the wars? Puff. Piping hot, I asure you; fire and smoke will tarnish: a man that will go into such service as I have been in, will find his clothes the worse for the wear, take my word for it. But how is it with you, friend Jasper? What, you still serve, I see? you live at that house, I suppose? Capt. I feel it at this instant. We vowed eternal constancy, and I promised to take the first opportunity of returning to her. I did so; but we found the house was shut up; and all the information, you know, that we could get Jas. I don't absolutely live, but I am most of from the neighbouring cottage was, that miss and my time there. I have, within these two months, her aunt were removed to town, and lived some-entered into the service of an old gentleman, who where near this part of it. Puff. And now we are got to the place of action, propose your plan of operation. Capt. My father lives in the next street, so I must decamp immediately, for fear of discoveries: you are not known to be my servant; go, make what inquiries you can in the neighbourhood, and I shall wait at the inn for your intelligence. Puff. I'll patrol hereabouts, and examine all that pass; but I've forgot the word, sir-Miss Biddy Capt. Bellair Puff. A young lady of wit, beauty, and fifteen thousand pounds fortune-But, sir Capt. What do you say, Puff? Puff. If your honour pleases to consider, that I had a wife in town whom I left somewhat abruptly half-a-year ago, you'll think it, I believe, but decent to make some inquiry after her first to be sure, it would be some small consolation to me to know whether the poor woman is living, or has made away with herself, or Capt. Prithee don't distract me; a moment's delay is of the utmost consequence; I must insist upon an immediate compliance with my commands. [Exit CAPTAIN. Puff. The devil's in these fiery young fellows! they think of nobody's wants but their own. He does not consider that I am flesh and blood as well as himself. However, I may kill two birds at once: for I shan't be surprised if I meet my lady walking the streets-But, who have we here? Sure I should know that face. Enter JASPER from a house. Who's that? my old acquaintance Jasper! Jas. What, Puff! are you here? Puff. My dear friend! [Kissing him.] Well, and now, Jasper, still easy and happy? Toujours le meme! What intrigues now? What girls have you ruined, and what cuckolds made, since you and I used to beat up together, eh? hired a reputable servant, and dressed him as you see, because he has taken it into his head to fall in love. Puff. False appetite, and second childhood! But, prithee, what's the object of his passion? Jas. No less than a virgin of sixteen, I can assure you. Puff. Oh the toothless old dotard! Jas. And he mumbles and plays with her till his mouth waters; then he chuckles till he cries, and calls her his Bid and his Bidsy; and is so foolishly fond Puff. Bidsy! what's that? Jas. Her name is Biddy. Puff. Biddy! What, Miss Biddy Bellair? Puff. I have no luck, to be sure. [Aside.]— Oh, I have heard of her; she's of a pretty good family, and has some fortune, I know. But are things settled? Is the marriage fixed? Jas. Not absolutely; the girl, I believe, detests him; but her aunt, a very good, prudent, old lady, has given her consent, if he can gain her niece's: how it will end, I can't tell-but I'm hot upon't myself. Puff. The devil! not marriage, I hope? Jas. A maid in the same family; a woman of honour, I assure you. She has one husband already, a scoundrel sort of a fellow, that has run away from her, and listed for a soldier; so, towards the end of the campaign, she hopes to have a certificate he's knocked o' the head: if not, I suppose, we shall settle matters another way. Puff. Well, speed the plough!-But hark ye? consummate without the certificate if you cankeep your neck out of the collar-do-I have wore it these two years, and damnably galled I am. Jas. I'll take your advice; but I must run away to my master, who will be impatient for an answer to his message, which I have just deliJas. Faith, business has been very brisk dur-vered to the young lady so, dear Mr Puff, I am ing the war; men are scarce, you know: not that I can say I ever wanted amusement in the worst of times-But hark yc, Puffpos your most obedient humble servant. Puff. And I must to our agents for my arrears: if you have an hour to spare, you'll hear of me at George's, or the Tilt-yard-Au revoir, as we say abroad. [Erit JASPER.] Thus, we are as civil and as false as our betters: Jasper and I were always the beau monde exactly; we ever hated one another heartily, yet always kiss and shake hands-But now to my master, with a headful of news, and a heartful of joy! [Going, starts. 'Angels and ministers of grace defend me!' It can't be ! By Heavens, it is, that fretful porcupine, my wife! I can't stand it; what shall I do? -I'll try to avoid her. Enter TAG. Tag. It must be he! I'll swear to the rogue at a mile's distance: he either has not seen me, or won't know me. If I can keep my temper, I'll try him farther. Puff. I sweat!-I tremble !-She comes upon me! Tag. Pray, good sir, if I may be so boldPuff. I have nothing for you, good woman; don't trouble me. Tag. If your honour pleases to look this wayPuff. The kingdom is overrun with beggars. I suppose the last I gave to has sent this: but I have no more loose silver about me: so, prithee, woman, don't disturb me. Tag. I can hold no longer. Oh, you villain, you! where have you been, scoundrel? Do you know me now, varlet? [Seizes him. Puff. Here, watch, watch! Zounds, I shall have my pockets picked! Tag. Own me this minute, hang-dog, and confess every thing, or, by the rage of an injured woman, I'll raise the neighbourhood, throttle you, and send you to Newgate! Puff. Amazement! what, my own dear Tag! Come to my arms, and let me press you to my heart, that pants for thee, and only thee, my true and lawful wife!-Now my stars have overpaid me for the fatigue and dangers of the field. I have wandered about, like Achilles, in search of faithful Penelope; and the gods have brought me to this happy spot. [Embraces her. Tag. The fellow's crackt for certain! Leave your bombastic stuff, and tell me, rascal, why you left me, and where you have been these six months, beh? Puff. We'll reserve my adventures for our happy winter evenings-I shall only tell you now, that my heart beat so strong in my country's cause, and being instigated either by honour or the devil (I can't tell which), I set out for Flanders to gather laurels, and lay them at thy feet. Tag. You left me to starve, villain, and beg my bread, you did so. Puff. I left you too hastily, I must confess; and often has my conscience stung me for itI am got into an officer's service, have been in several actions, gained some credit by my beha viour, and am now returned with my master to indulge the gentler passions. Tag. Don't think to fob me off with this nonsensical talk. What have you brought me home besides? Puff. Honour, and immoderate love. Tag. Temperance, traitor! temperance! What can you say for yourself? Leave me to the wide world! Puff. Well, I have been in the world too, han't I? What would the woman have? Tag. Reduce me to the necessity of going to service! [Cries. Puff. Why, I'm in service too, your lord and master, an't I, you saucy jade, you ?-Come, where dost live? here about? Hast got good vails? Dost go to market? Come, give me a kiss, darling, and tell me where I shall pay my duty to thee. Tag. Why, there I live, at that house. [Pointing to the house JASPER came out of. Puff. What! there! that house? Tag. Yes, there; that house. Puff. Huzza! We're made for ever, you slut you; huzza! Every thing conspires this day to make me happy! Prepare for an inundation of joy! My master is in love with your Miss Biddy over head and ears, and she with him. I know she is courted by some old fumbler, and her aunt is not against the match; but now we are come, the town will be relieved, and the governor brought over in plain English, our fortune is made; my master must marry the lady, and the old gentleman may go to the devil. Tag. Heyday! what's all this? Puff. Say no more; the dice are thrown doublets for us: away to your young mistress, while I run to my master. Tell her Rhodophil, Rhodophil will be with her immediately; then, if her blood does not mount to her face, like quicksilver in a weather-glass, and point to extreme hot, believe the whole a lie, and your husband no politician. Tag. This is news indeed! I have had the place but a little while, and have not quite got into the secrets of the family: but part of your story is true; and if you bring your master, and miss is willing, I warrant we'll be too hard for the old folks. Puff. I'll about it straight- -But hold, Tag; I had forgot-Pray how does Mr Jasper do? Tag. Mr Jasper !-What do you mean? II—I— Puff. What! out of countenance, child?— O fie! speak plain, my dear-And the certificate; when comes that, eh, love? Tag. He has sold himself, and turned conjurer, or he could never have known it. [Aside. Puff. Are not you a jade?--are not you a Jezebel?-arn't you a |