SCENE I.-GAYLESS's lodgings. Enter GAYLESS and SHARP. ACT I. Sharp. How, sir, shall you be married to-morrow, eh? I'm afraid you joke with your poor humble servant. Gay. I tell thee, Sharp, last night Melissa consented, and fixed to-morrow for the happy day. Sharp. 'Tis well she did, sir, or it might have been a dreadful one for us in our present condition: all your money spent; your moveables sold; your honour almost ruined, and your humble servant almost starved; we could not possibly have stood it two days longer-But if this young lady will marry you, and relieve us, o' my conscience I'll turn friend to the sex, rail no more at matrimony, but curse the whores, and think of a wife myself. Gay. And yet, Sharp, when I think how I have imposed upon her, I am almost resolved to throw myself at her feet, tell her the real situation of my affairs, ask her pardon, and implore her pity. Sharp. After marriage, with all my heart, sir; but don't let your conscience and honour so far get the better of your poverty and good sense, as to rely on so great uncertainty as a tine lady's mercy and good-nature. Gay. I know her generous temper, and am almost persuaded to rely upon it. What! because I am poor, shall I abandon my honour? Sharp. Yes, you must, sir, or abandon me. So, pray, discharge one of us; for eat I must, and speedily too: and you know very well, that that honour of yours will neither introduce you to a great man's table, nor get me credit for a single beef-steak. Gay. What can I do? Sharp. Nothing, while honour sticks in your throat. Do, gulp, master, and down with it. Gay. Prithee leave me to my thoughts. Sharp. Leave you! No, not in such bad com pany, I'll assure you. Why, you must certainly be a very great philosopher, sir, to moralize and declaim so charmingly as you do, about honou and conscience, when your doors are beset with bailiffs, and not one single guinea in your pocket to bribe the villains. Gay. Don't be witty, and give your advice, sirrah. Gay. And, do you hear, Sharp, if it should be any body from Melissa, say I am not at home; lest the bad appearance we make here, should make them suspect something to our disadvantage. [Exit SHARP. Gay. These very rascals, who are now continually dunning and persecuting me, were the very persons who led me to my ruin, partook of my prosperity, and professed the greatest friendship. Sharp. Do you be wise, and take it, sir. But, Sharp. I'll obey you, sir; but I am afraid they to be serious, you certainly have spent your for-will easily discover the consumptive situation of tune, and out-lived your credit, as your pockets our affairs, by my chop-fallen countenance. and my belly can testify. Your father has disowned you; all your friends forsook you, except myself, who am starving with you. Now, sir, if you marry this young lady, who, as yet, thank Heaven, knows nothing of your misfortnnes, and by that means procure a better fortune than that you have squandered away, make a good husband, and turn economist, you still may be happy, may still be sir William's heir, and the lady too no loser by the bargain. There's reason and argument, sir. Gay. Twas with that prospect. I first made love to her; and, though my fortune has been ill spent, I have at least purchased discretion with it. Sharp. [Without.]-Upon my word, Mrs Kitty, my master's not at home. Kitty. [Without.]—Look'e, Sharp, I must and will see him. Gay. Ha! What do I hear? Melissa's maid! What has brought her here? My poverty has made her my enemy, too-She is certainly come with no good intent-No friendship there without fees-She's coming up stairs-What must I do? I'll get into this closet and listen. [Exit GAYLESS. Enter SHARP and KITTY. Kitty. I must know where he is; and will know, too, Mr Impertinence. Sharp. Pray, then, convince me of that, sir, and make no more objections to the marriage.You see I am reduced to my waistcoat already; and when necessity has undressed me from top to toe, she must begin with you, and then we shall be forced to keep house and die by inches. Look you, sir, if you won't resolve to take my advice, while you have one coat to your back, I Sharp. Not of me ye won't.-[Aside.]—He's must e'en take to my heels while I have strength not within, I tell you, Mrs Kitty; I don't know to run, and something to cover me. So, sir, wish-myself. Do you think I can conjure? ing you much comfort and consolation with your bare conscience, I am your most obedient and half-starved friend and servant. [Going. Gay. Hold, Sharp! You won't leave me? Sharp. I must eat, sir; by my honour and appetite, I must. Gay. Well, then, I am resolved to favour the cheat; and as I shall quite change my former course of life, happy may be the consequences: at least of this I am sure Sharp. That you can't be worse than you are at present. Gay. [A knocking without.]-Who's there? Sharp. Some of your former good friends, who favoured you with money at fifty per cent. and helped you to spend it, and are now become daily memento's to you of the folly of trusting rogues, following whores, and laughing at my advice. Kitty. But I know you will lie abominably; therefore, don't trifle with me. I come from my mistress, Melissa: you know, I suppose, what's to be done to-morrow morning? Sharp. Ay; and to-morrow night too, girl. Kitty. Not if I can help it.-[Aside.]—But come, where is your master? For see him I must. Sharp. Pray, Mrs Kitty, what's your opinion of this match between my master and your mistress? Kitty. Why, I have no opinion of it at all; and yet most of our wants will he relieved by it, too: for instance, now, your master will get a good fortune; that's what I'm afraid he wants: my mistress will get a husband; that's what she has wanted for some time; you will have the pleasure of my conversation, and I an opportunity of breaking your head for your imperti nence. Gay. Cease your impertinence! To the door! Sharp. Madam, I'm your most humble serIf they are duns, tell them my marriage is now vant. But I'll tell you what, Mrs Kitty, I am certainly fixed; and persuade them still to for-positively against the match: for was I a man of bear a few days longer, and keep my circumstances a secret, for their sakes as well as my own. Sharp. O never fear it, sir: they still have so much friendship for you, as not to desire your ruin to their own disadvantage. my master's fortune Kitty. You'd marry if you could, and mend it -Ha, ha, ha! Pray, Sharp, where does your master's estate lie? Gay. Oh, the devil, what a question was there! [Aside Sharp. Lie! Lie! Why, it lies-faith, I can't name any particular place; it lies in so many. His effects are divided, some here, some there; his steward hardly knows himself. Kitty. Scattered, scattered, I suppose. But, hark'e, Sharp, what's become of your furniture? You seem to be a little bare here at present. Gay. What, has she found out that, too? [dside. Sharp. Why, you must know, as soon as the wedding was fixed, my master ordered me to remove his goods into a friend's house, to make room for a ball which he designs to give here the day after the marriage. Kitty. The luckiest thing in the world! For my mistress designs to have a ball and entertainment here, to-night, before the marriage; and that's my business with your master. Sharp. The devil it is! [Aside. Kitty. She'll not have it public; she designs to invite only eight or ten couple of friends. Sharp. No more? Kitty. No more and she ordered me to desire your master not to make a great entertain ment. Sharp. Oh, never fear Kitty. Ten or a dozen little nice things, with some fruit, I believe, will be enough in all conscience. Sharp. Oh, curse your conscience! [Aside. Kitty. And what do you think I have done of my own head? Sharp. What! Kitty. I have invited all my lord Stately's servants to come and see you, and have a dance in the kitchen: Won't your master be surprised? Sharp. Much so indeed! Kitty. Well, be quick and find out your master, and make what haste you can with your preparations: you have no time to lose. Prithee, Sharp, what's the matter with you? I have not seen you for some time, and you seem to look a little thin. Sharp. Oh my unfortunate face!-[Aside.] I'm in pure good health, thank you, Mrs Kitty; and I'll assure you I've a very good stomach; never better in all my life; and I ain as full of vigour, hussy. [Offers to kiss her. Kitty. What, with that face! Well, bye, bye. -[Going.]-Oh, Sharp, what ill-looking fellows are those, were standing about your door when I came in? They want your master too, I suppose? Sharp. Hum! Yes; they are waiting for him. They are some of his tenants out of the country, that want to pay him some money. Kitty. Tenants! What, do you let his tenants stand in the street? Sharp. They choose it: as they seldom come to town they are willing to see as much of it as VOL. III. they can, when they do; they are raw, ignorant, honest people. Kitty. Well, I must run home: farewell-but do you hear, get something substantial for us in the kitchen-a ham, a turkey, or what you will— we'll be very merry; and be sure to remove the tables and chairs away there too, that we may have room to dance: I can't bear to be confined in my French dances; tal, lal, lal—[ Dancing.]— Well, adieu! Without any compliment, I shall die if I don't see you soon. [Exit KITTY, Sharp. And, without any compliment, I pray Heaven you may! Gay. Oh, Sharp! Gay. We are certainly undone ! Gay. Eight or ten couple of dancers-ten or a dozen little nice dishes, with some fruit-my lord Stately's servants-ham and turkey! Sharp. Say no more! the very sound creates an appetite; and I am sure of late I have had no occasion for whetters and provocatives. Gay. Cursed misfortune! What can we do? Sharp. Hang ourselves. I see no other remedy, except you have a receipt to give a ball and a supper, without meat or music. Gay. Melissa has certainly heard of my bad circumstances, and has invented this scheme to distress me, and break off the match. Sharp. I don't believe it, sir; begging your pardon. Gay. No? Why did her maid, then, make so strict an inquiry into my fortune and affairs? Sharp. For two very substantial reasons: the first, to satisfy a curiosity natural to her as a woman; the second, to have the pleasure of my conversation, very natural to her as a woman of taste and understanding. Gay. Prithee, be more serious: is not our all at stake? Sharp. Yes, sir; and yet that all of ours is of so little consequence, that a man, with a very small share of philosophy, may part from it without much pain or uneasiness. However, sir, I'll convince you, in half an hour, that Mrs Melissa knows nothing of your circumstances; and I'll tell you what too, sir, she shan't be here to-night, and yet you shall marry her to-morrow morning. Gay. How, how, dear Sharp? Sharp. 'Tis here, here, sir! Warm, warm; and delays will cool it: therefore, I'll away to her, and do you be as merry as love and poverty will permit you. Q Mel. You surprise me, Kitty! The master not at home-the man in confusion-no furniture in the house and ill-looking fellows about the doors! 'Tis all a riddle. Kitty. But very easy to be explained. Mel. Prithee, explain it, then; nor keep me longer in suspence. Kitty. The affair is this, madam: Mr Gayless is over head and ears in debt; you are over head and ears in love; you'll marry him to-morrow; the next day your whole fortune goes to his creditors, and you and your children are to live comfortably upon the remainder. Mel. I cannot think him base. Kitty. But I know they are all base. You are very young, and very ignorant of the sex; I am young, too, but have had more experience: You never was in love before; I have been in love with an hundred, and tried them all; and know them to be a parcel of barbarous, perjured, deluding, bewitching devils. Mel. The low wretches you have had to do with, may answer the character you give them; but Mr Gayless Kitty. Is a man, madam. Mel. I hope so, Kitty, or I would have nothing to do with him. Kitty. With all my heart-I have given you my sentiments upon the occasion, and shall leave you to your own inclinations. Mel. Oh, madam, I am much obliged to you for your great condescension-ha, ha, ha! However, I have so great a regard for your opinion, that had I certain proofs of his villany Kitty. Of his poverty, you may have a hundred: I am sure, I have had none to the contrary. [Aside. Mel. Oh, there the shoe pinches ! Kitty. Nay, so far from giving me the usual perquisites of my place, he has not so much as kept me in temper, with little endearing civilities; and one might reasonably expect, when a man is deficient in one way, that he should make it up in another. [Knocking without. Mel. See who is at the door. [Exit KITTY.] I must be cautious how I hearken too much to this girl. Iler bad opinion of Mr Gayless seems to arise from his disregard of her. Enter SHARP and KITTY. -So, Sharp, have you found your master?Will things be ready for the ball and entertain ment? Sharp. To your wishes, madam. I have just now bespoke the music and supper, and wait now for your ladyship's farther commands. Mel. My compliments to your master, and let him know, I and my company will be with him by six; we design to drink tea and play at cards, before we dance. Kitty. So shall I and my company, Mr Sharp. [Aside. Sharp. Mighty well, madam ! Mel. Prithee, Sharp, what makes you come without your coat? 'Tis too cool to go so airy, Sharp. Why then, in short, madam-I cannot tell you. Mel. Don't trifle with me. Sharp. Then, since you will have it, madamI lost my coat in defence of your reputation. Mel. In defence of my reputation! Sharp. I will assure you, madam, I've suffered very much in defence of it; which is more than I would have done for my own. Mel. Prithee, explain! Sharp. Why, madam, as I came out but now, to make preparation for you and your company to-night, Mrs Pry-about, the attorney's wife, at next door, calls to me; 'Hark'e, fellow,' says she, do you and your modest master know, that my husband shall indict your house at the next parish meeting for a nuisance? Mel. A nuisance! Sharp. Heavens and my impudence be praised! [Aside. Kitty. Why not, madam? If you are not guilty, face your accusers. Sharp. Oh the devil! ruined again! [Aside.] To be sure, face them by all means, madamThey can but be abusive, and break the windows a little-Besides, madam, I have thought of a Sharp. I said so-A nuisance! I believe, way to make this affair quite diverting to you-I none in the neighbourhood live with more de- have a fine blunderbuss, charged with half a cency and regularity than I and my master hundred slugs, and my master has a delicate -as is really the case-' Decency and regulari-large Swiss broad sword; and between us, maty!' cries she, with a sneer- why, sirrah, does dam, we shall so pepper and slice them, that you not my window look into your master's bed-will die with laughing. 'chamber? and did not he bring in a certain la"dy such a day?' describing you, madam. 'did not I see And Mel. See! O, scandalous! What? Sharp. Modesty requires my silence. Mel. Did not you contradict her? Sharp. Contradict her! Why, I told her, I was sure she lied! for, zounds! said I, (for I could not help swearing) I am so well convinced of the lady's and my master's prudence, that I am sure, had they a mind to amuse themselves, they would certainly have drawn the window-curtains. Mel. What, did you say nothing else? Did not you convince her of her error and impertinence? Sharp. She swore to such things, that I could do nothing but swear and call names; upon which, out bolts her husband upon me with a fine taper crab in his hand, and fell upon me with such violence, that, being half delirious, I made a full confession. Mel. A full confession! What did you confess? Sharp. That my master loved fornication that you had no aversion to it-that Mrs Kitty was a bawd, and your humble servant a pimp. Kitty. A bawd! a bawd! Do I look like a bawd, madam ? Sharp. And so, madam, in the scuffle, my coat was torn to pieces, as well as your reputation. Mel. And so you joined to make me infamous! Mel. What, at murder? Kitty. Don't fear, madam; there will be no murder if Sharp's concerned. Sharp. Murder, madam! 'Tis self-defence.Besides, in these sort of skirmishes, there are never more than two or three killed: for, supposing they bring the whole body of militia upon us, down but with a brace of them, and away fly the rest of the covey. Mel. Persuade me ever so much, I won't go; that's my resolution. Kitty. Why, then, I'll tell you what, madam; since you are resolved not to go to the supper, suppose the supper was to come to you? 'Tis a great pity such preparations as Mr Sharp has made should be thrown away. Sharp. So it is, as you say, Mrs Kitty. But I can immediately run back, and unbespeak what I have ordered; 'tis soon done. Mel. But then, what excuse can I send to your master? he'll be very uneasy at my not coming. Sharp. Oh, terribly so! but I have it-I'll tell him you are very much out of order-that you were suddenly taken with the vapours or qualms, or what you please, madam. Mel. I'll leave it to you, Sharp, to make my apology; and there's half-a-guinea for you to help your invention. Sharp. Half-a-guinea! 'Tis so long since I had any thing to do with money, that I scarcely know the current coin of my own country.— Oh, Sharp, what talents hast thou! to secure thy master, deceive his mistress, outlie her chamberSharp. For Heaven's sake, madam, what could maid, and yet be paid for thy honesty! But my I do? His proofs fell so thick upon me, as wit-joy will discover me. [Aside.] Madam, you have ness my head [Shewing his head plaistered.], eternally fixed Timothy Sharp, your most obedithat I would have given up all the maidenheadsent humble servant- -Oh the delights of imin the kingdom, rather than have my brains beat pudence, and a good understanding! to a jelly. Mel. Very well! but I'll be revenged- -And did not you tell your master of this? Sharp. Tell him! No, madam. Had I told him, his love is so violent for you, that he would certainly have murdered half the attornies in town by this time. Mel. Very well! But I am resolved not to go to your master's to-night. [Exit SHARP. Kitty. Ha, ha, ha! was there ever such a lying varlet! with his slugs, and his broad swords, his attorneys, and broken heads, and nonsense! Well, madam, are you satisfied now? Do you want more proofs ? Mel. Of your modesty I do : But, I find you are resolved to give me none. Kitty. Madam! |